Story 3#
My life sucked.
All the death, all the torture and persecution. I was born in low income home in New San Yorkcalifodelphia. The living conditions where worse then a POW camp and so when I turned eighteen I joined the army to fight in the War.
I met so many friends there, Jacob the engineer, Elliot the prankster who always made us laugh, Norman who was our superior commander and h- Oh why the hell am I even explaining this to you, they all die in the end.
Its true. I saw some pretty fucked up shit on my trip in Middleasternstan but on our last mission things went to shit. All of my friends died horrible deaths. Elliot got shot by a twelve year old carrying a water gun filled with Liquid Nitrogen. Jacob got sucked into the mouth of some black half goat, half elephant abomination thing from another dimensions. Poor Norman had it the worst, he got crippled by having a plot call intervention disease. They still don’t know where his testicles got teleported in.
I was devastated. We only had 2 weeks, er, days till retirement. When I got back from the war I started drinking and smoking thirteen packs a day. I smoked so much that whenever I walked into a police station, they thought it was a chemical terrorist attack. I drunk so much that I was the guy that hobos looked down upon. I had no purpose and I got into such existentialistic discussions about the abyss that was my soul, that I think I once heard Nietzsche rolling in his grave while shouting “Get the fuck over your self”. I always carried a gun too, just in case.
Thankfully that wouldn’t last. While I was done drinking in a bar and painting the bathroom doors with my puke, I got approached by two government agents. They offered me a chance to join a government project to create ultra-patriotic super soldiers. I joined immediately. Finally my life would not feel purposeless. No more pain, no more humiliation, I would prove to my self th-
Wait I got assigned into the janitorial stuff?
Fuck.
I started on Monday and I was responsible for cleaning up the shit of the scientists. Literally, you see I was assigned into Toilet duty. One day through while I was cleaning around in the roof of the base we were living in, I saw a strange black hole traveling at ludicrous speeds towards me. I had a cricket bat that the marines played with and immediately tried to use it as a baseball bat.The Hole got bigger and bigger before I got engulfed totally in it.
***
I woke up inside some kind of home, surrounded by multicolored horses. I thought this was a dream, or maybe Jack the wacko scientist finally decide to finish his Fetish Nightmare Gun™ and had decided to test it on me.
Before I could open my mouth a lavender horse came into sight.
“Who are you and why are you here?” she asked me.
“Don’t get near it, it could be dangerous” screamed a white horse.
“Don’t worry I have this” exclaimed a cyan horse with rainbow hair as she moved in near me.
Lez. B. Ian here tried to kick me out cold but I used my superior tactics (read: I moved out of the way) to escape.
“Hold on, I am not here to hurt anyone. My name is N. Sert. Nameheir and I am from the Planet earth. Care to explain? ”
“Well, my name is Twilight Sparkle and you are in Equestria, Land of the Sun and Moon Princesses.” the same horse, a unicorn I noticed and mentally slapped and shit my self.
“Interesting. By the way, I would like to apologize for appearing somewhat threatening, It was never my intent to give such impression.”
“Oh what a Gentlecolt, I like you Mister Sert.” exclaimed the same Unicorn that screamed at me.
“Eh, Thank you my lady Its just that I am nev-”
“Oh one minute passed” said a Pink Pony out of nowhere.
“One minute from whaMmmrrrht-” I interrupted as the white pony came near me and kissed me, going full french on me. We stayed there for one minute before stopping to gasp for air.
“WHAT WAS THAT FOR!!!” I screamed/
“Don’t you know that after One minute after exposure to Human Soldiers, all ponies become sexually attracted to the Human?” said the same Pink Pony from outside the frame.
“What did you read the script or something.” I said as I backed away to the wall. The ponies where closing on me and I didn’t have any idea of how to get out.
“Oh silly human, I don’t need to read the script, through I have it right here. Don’t worry after one and a half minute of experiencing the ponies you will mood swing on it” She said as she passed through the fourth wall into the room.
“NO, I WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH HORSES, ESPECIA- Hey I’m suddenly OK with this.” I said.
From my behind a Yellow winged pony pinned me down.
“YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE ME!!!” she screamed.
“Don’t mind if I do.”
And then we all fucked.
***
OH, yeah and there some bullcrap about some Gingrich abomination trying to conquer Equestria but I went “Oh god, its full of stars” before transforming into an Twelve level Super Saiyan and going “taste the friendship” on his ass, saving the universe.
THE END.