Transcript of the M.A.L.P. operators during first contact with Equestria as received by the Senate Oversight Committee on December 21, 2016
M.A.L.P. Operator (MO): So, What’s this about anyway?
M.A.L.P. Technician (MT): No clue. They just brought me in.
MO: Have you heard the scuttlebutt yet? They say its aliens? You won’t guess what else they’re saying.
MT: Sorry, I don’t put any stock in scuttlebutt. Can we just get on with the test?
MO: As soon as we get the all clear from the VIP. The technicians just cleared the rover as fit. And it’s being decontaminated now.
MT: Why do they have to decontaminate a machine?
MO: See. Aliens.
[phone ringing]
MT: Agent Reed? We have a go? Thanks?
[phone hanging up]
MT: We are good to go. Let’s see what all this tech is really for.
MO: Moving M.A.L.P. forward. If only they would let us see it through this damn tent. Five feet from entry.
MT: All sensors are online.
MO: Passing arm mechanism through the surface of the anomaly.
MT: Sensors reading green. Can you rotate the claw for me?
MO: Rotating 90 degrees.
MT: OK, Let’s pull it back and see if it sustained any damage.
MO: Withdrawing arm mechanism. Powering down for inspection.
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MT: No damage, but got some strange readings off of the anomaly.
MT: Don’t give me that look. There was a slight power surge as it passed through. But every instrument I point at that damn thing reports zero. Everything says it’s not there.
MO: I wasn’t giving you a look.
MT: Yes you were.
MO: Moving on. What about radio transmissions?
MT: Nope. And we don’t have the gear on this rig to listen to the minor sound waves that were reported.
MO: That’s strange. Maybe they just didn’t have the room on it. You should know how much tech they have in that thing.
MT: Touché. No clue how they fit it all in there though.
MO: This is an older design. When the Hazbot III first came out, they couldn’t even remotely control these things.
MT: Interesting. Who’s that new guy?
MO: No clue. Let’s just do our job.
MO: Confirmed. No damage to M.A.L.P. arm. Sending it back through the anomaly now.
MT: [unintelligible whisper]
MT: Camera passing through the anomaly now; should have picture any second now.
MO: [low voice] and you complained about my speech
MT: Receiving signal. Cleaning it up now.
MO: Passing mid-way point of ingress.
MT: Time to check the local gravity. The rate at which the M.A.L.P. falls combined with the sensors will tell us a lot about the physics there.
MO: M.A.L.P. should finish passing through in 3…2…1.
MO: Stopping forward motion. Panning camera right.
[sound of a crash]
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MO: Sucks for that guy. See, aliens. So what’s that purple one saying?
MT: No clue. They have it all run through a voice recognition program.
MO: But did they have to have it sound so funky?
MT: Yes, the United States government was going to spend more money on a vocaloid program so it wouldn’t offend your precious ears.
MO: Fine. Since I’m not doing anything, what do your sensors says?
MT: Air reads Earth normal for oxygen and trace elements. No sign of dangerous bacteria. Gravity appears normal along with atmospheric pressure at sea level.
MO: What about radiation?
MT: Alpha and Beta are well within range. Negligible amounts of Gamma.
MO: What’s that fourth reading?
MT: No clue.
MO: Hey look. They’re leaving.
[crackling sound]
MO: So it signals weird shit, like floating objects. Good to know.
MT: Now that they left we can use the other instruments. Scanning for radio transmission…negative. Scanning for electrical systems…minimal.
MO: Which means?
MT: Most likely that they are not as advanced.
MO: No. That doesn’t make sense. Look at the architecture. What do the mapping programs say?
MT: Bringing up thermal and UV imaging and terra-hertz imaging program. Compiling now.
MO: Well, shit.
MT: Ok. Yeah. They have their own advancements.
MO: Is this an image of the entire building?
MT: Yeah. These two dots are the two we met previously.
MO: Is there anything else in the current room?
MT: Rotating camera.
MT: Negative. No readings. But look at this: by that ‘door’ it looks like they’re guarding it.
MO: Look; the creatures are coming back.
MT: Reorienting camera. Leaving optics on.
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MO: What the hell. It just left and now they are both just sitting there.
MT: Calm down. It could be nothing.
MT: Don’t poke me.
MO: Look.
MT: I don’t see anything.
MO: I swear it was there! For a second it looked like a larger creature was just outside the door.
MT: Looking at the footage and I can’t find it. Wait. Yeah, I see it. It could just be a sensor malfunction though.
MO: Have you picked up any radio transmissions yet?
MT: No. Why? And why are you grinning?
MO: I set this thing up to broadcast.
MT: How’d you sneak that kind of a transmitter in here?
MO: I have my ways. But the point is, you haven’t received any. Maybe that’s why they didn’t use the IR model and it has that stupid cord sticking out the back.
MT: Idiot. You know how much power all the devices take to power? Let alone when we don’t know how long it has to stay?
MO: Point taken.
MT: Besides; they most likely have jammers running here.
MO: …
MT: Just shut up and keep an eye out. They’re coming back.
[burst of crackling that slowly subsides]
MT: Dear God! What the hell was that? That was loud!
MO: That would be your weird-shit-o-meter going off. See? Floating objects.
MO: Can you see anything else in there?
MT: There’s a weird blind spot behind the purple one.
MO: Weird?
MT: Yeah. It doesn’t read as anything; yet the patterns don’t match the surrounding air. I think however, those floating items are screwing with our sensors.
MO: You sure about that?
MT: What else could it be? We don’t even have the ability to do that. And, the power needed is more than we could produce in a month. That would require the bending of the air around an object along with a complete dissipation of heat and sound.
MO: Yeah. Impossible.