"Let's get back on track here," Hunter said once the gun was back in his holster and he was sure there was nothing else in the room that Derpy could do any major damage with.
"What were we talking about again?" Derpy asked, still slightly dizzy from her earlier mishap.
"I was asking you why you saved me..."
"Oh yeah! Because I'm the Muffin M-"
"No! I mean, no. I know that. But I'm still wondering why you would do that. I mean, weren't you worried about the health of your," he twiddled his fingers, searching for the word, "Filly?"
She crossed her hooves in thought, frowning. "I kind of was. But you didn't seem like you were going to wake up, especially after I rolled you down that hill and you didn't even twitch."
"Not to mention the gunshot while I was sleeping," he added.
"Gunshot?"
He rolled his eyes. "Lightning rock."
"Oh. Yeah," she blushed, embarrassed.
"Besides, what is her father going to think when he comes home and finds an alien on his couch?" he pointed to Derpy's belly.
She just looked down and twiddled her hooves.
Oh...
Well, you're a jerk.
Shutup, I know that.
"Uh... Sorry I asked."
You really couldn't think of anything better to say?
Didn't I tell you to shut your mouth?
"Its fine... He said he would come back, but it's been seven months now..."
Think of something. All that mental training with the SEALs didn't pay off?
I don't think this is what it was for.
"Seven months, you say? Does that mean she'll be born in... what, two months?"
"Four, actually," she started to brighten up, glad for a change of subject.
Hunter was confused for a moment. "But that adds up to eleven months."
Her eyes crossed, and she stuck out her tongue. She sat there, frozen in this position.
What the hell?
...
Okay, this is getting weird...
"Derpy, what are you-"
"Yes! You're right!"
He blinked. "What?"
"Seven plus four IS eleven!"
"What were you doing there, with the sticking out your tongue thing?"
"I was thinking!"
He groaned. "Derpy, I'm going to kill myself."
She gasped. "No! Why?!" She then sprung onto the couch and squeezed him as tight as she could.
The cuts. It fell like a swarm of angry hornets was stinging him in the chest and arms.
"Fuuuuuccckk!!"
Derpy looked at him in the face. One eye was trained on him, while the other one drifted off to the side.
"What does that mean? Is that another word for 'hug'?"
This won't end well...
"You must really like my fucks then, if you yell it that loud! Don't worry Sweetie, I'll fuck you all night if it keeps you from killing yourself!"
She then continued to 'fuck' him, making an 'mmmmm' sound while she was at it.
I don't think I'll ever be able to tell her what that word means now.
...
You know, all pain and fucking aside, she's actually pretty cute.
He pried her off of him. Somewhere in his subconscious, he knew this was going to be a big mistake, but he really had no choice.
"I'll tell you what. If I can stay here until I find some way to get home, I'll help you with your baby. I have some experience with this type of thing, since I have a daughter of my own."
Her eyes widened. "Of course I'll let you stay! Pinkie Pie was supposed to help me out, but I guess she doesn't have to now! Well, she can if she wants-"
Hunter cut in. "By the way, wasn't she supposed to come over today?"
An impossibly rapid knocking was heard at the door.
----------
Her Pinkie senses were tingling. A familiar sensation told her there was a new pony in town, but another unfamiliar one told her something strange, something she just couldn't grasp the meaning of. It was new, definitely new, and indescribably foreign.
She became curious when the feeling strengthened as she came closer to Derpy's house.
Maybe she had the foal already, Pinkie thought, but quickly dispelled the thought.
No, she's only been pregnant for seven months.
...
Maybe she had the foal, and she's only been pregnant for seven months!
She zipped to the door and knocked rapidly with her forehead.
The door opened, and a smiling Derpy appeared.
"Hi Pink- Ow ow ow hey!"
Her wound up head hadn't stopped knocking, and collided with Derpy's face several times before she realized the door had already been answered.
"Sorry Derpy," she said, looking down at Derpy's midsection. The foal was still there.
She sighed, her earlier worries refuted. "Are you okay?"
Derpy rubbed her snout. "My nose hurts, but I think I'll be fine."
Pinkie shook her head. "No, I didn't mean that! I meant, is everything else okay?"
Derpy brought a hoof to her chin in thought. After a moment, she chimed, "Yep! Everything's fine!"
Derpy's confidence was convincing enough, but she still couldn't ignore the strange things her Pinkie Sense was telling her.
"Okay, then. Can I come inside?" she asked, returning to her normally bubbly self.
"Oh! Sure, come on in," Derpy stepped aside, allowing her guest to enter.
"I hope you won't mind, there are a few holes in the ceiling and an alien is living on my couch..."
----------
It was all wrong. Everything was going wrong.
Planning and predicting. They were the key components to precision.
Precision was everything to Celestia.
And yet here she was, the fate of Equestria and/or her returning sister, resting in her hooves.
All because of a lack of precision.
She had planned for him to land in a spot where he could do no harm, to himself or to anypony else. There she would explain to him what was going on.
However, instead of landing neatly in front of her in the middle of a flowery meadow, he ended up in Ponyville six hours later.
She hadn't planned for this. She thought that everything had been covered, all variables considered. Instead, she released a potentially dangerous, not to mention armed, alien.
Think about it, Celestia. You picked him because he's smart and reasonable. Surely he wouldn't go on an immediate killing spree.
Besides that, you teleported him here right before he got torn to shreds by a rigged door. Add that to any injuries he might have sustained upon his arrival, and most likely he's a lame duck.
That put her more at ease. She began to think clearer, and tried to imagine where he might be now.
"So, let's see... So far he hasn't caused any observable trouble. There were hoofprints leading away from the scene, and as far as I know, I didn't teleport a hoofed creature here. A pony must have helped him."
She pondered that. Who in their right mind would help a carnivorous creature twice their size? Not to mention an unfamiliar species.
"Well, maybe this is good. If he becomes friends with a resident, then maybe he won't be a threat after all. Who knows, maybe he'll want to stay?"
She dismissed that last thought. No, he needs to go. He has a family waiting for him. Once he's done with his task, I send him home.
She went over her options.
"I could send guards to Ponyville and have them search the houses, but that would take too long, and I don't want to piss off the residents a week before the Summer Sun Celebration."
She brought a hoof to her chin, and thought some more.
"I could announce a warrant for the arrest of a human. Everypony knows about the humans from the old pony's tales. Of course... It might cause a panic. And I definitely wouldn't want that."
She frowned. There seemed to be nothing she could do without causing a panic or violating her citizens' rights.
"Wait a minute... Of course! That would be perfect! Why didn't I think of it sooner!" she facehooved.
"Who do I always send to do my dirty work when I'm too lazy to do it myself?
"Twilight Sparkle!"
----------
Processing... Processing...
Processing complete.
Pinkie stared in disbelief at the mystical creature on the couch.
i]A human! No way!
"Look, I don't know, or care whatever the hell you are, but to humans it's considered rude to stare."
"She's an earth pony, Sweetie! And her name is Pinkie Pie."
"I don't care! She's creeping me out! And..."
Hunter stopped when he realized Pinkie was no longer staring, but bouncing around the room.
"A human! A human! Ohmygosh I always thought they were just a fairytale because that's what my mother told me but I always wished they were real 'cuz that would be so cooooool!" She ended her last word on a high note.
Hunter was unsure of what he had just heard. "Wait... So you're saying that here, humans are like mystical creatures?"
Pinkie hyper-nodded. "Yep!"
Derpy rubbed her chin. "What's a human?"
Pinkie pulled out a pair of old, very teacher-looking glasses. "A human," she tapped on an ominously appearing chalkboard with a stick figure drawn on it, "is a mythical creature that dates back to the pre-Celestia/Luna era."
Hunter looked shocked. "How did that chalkboard-"
Derpy shouted and pointed at the stick figure on the chalkboard, "Hey! That's Sweetie!"
"Shh! If you want me to answer questions, you'll have to raise your hoof."
Derpy raised her hoof.
"Sorry Derpy, but I'm not answering questions right now. Please let me finish the lesson, and you can ask your questions later, okay?"
Derpy crossed her hooves and frowned, much like a schoolchild.
"You know, Derpy," hunter spoke flatly, "You're a grown woman. Letting her treat you like this isn't-"
"NO TALKING IN MY CLASSROOM!"
Derpy raised her hoof again. "What's a woman?"
"Annnnyways," Pinkie continued, rolling her eyes, "humans had a special connection with lightning, and because of their ability to control and use it to make contraptions, they were known as the Keepers of Lightning!"
"Ah-ha!" Derpy jumped up and pointed at Hunter, who was now scowling and shaking his head.
"Oh lord..."
----------
Hunter awoke, hungry but feeling much refreshed after his sleep.
He carefully lifted himself off the couch and hobbled over to the bathroom.
The other day, he had re-learned to walk when the incessant yammering of Pinkie Pie proved to be worse than the searing pain of walking on roasted shins and a sprained ankle.
It was worse this morning, but with strong resolve he limped his way across the room and into the hallway.
Eventually, he made it to the bathroom. He felt uncomfortable with the fact that the master bedroom, occupied by Derpy, was right next to the space where he planned to noisily release the floodgates.
Nevertheless, when you gotta go you gotta go.
After packing up his unmentionables and freshening up, he opened the door and planned to return to his spot on the couch until Derpy awoke.
I really don't know what to eat besides those chocolate muffins that the pink menace left. It's pretty early, I might as well go back to sleep until Derpy wakes up. By the way, how is Derpy doing?
He turned towards her room's entrance. The door was open. It couldn't hurt just to check on her, just for a moment.
Have you stopped to consider that since so many things in this world are parallel to your world, that maybe some of the unsaid rules would carry over? Such as, "Don't creepily watch people while they sleep?"
...
The door creaked as Hunter poked his head in. Everything appeared to be normal. The sun's morning rays gently streamed through the window, and a small blonde head poked out from underneath the covers.
Well then, everything appears to be alright. I'll just leave now before she notices I'm here.
*Sniffle*
Guess I spoke too soon...
"Derpy?" he said, limping his way over to the bed. He came around to the other side where Derpy was facing, and realized she was asleep.
"Derpy... Wake up. Are you okay?" He gently shook her awake as her tear-stained eyelids slowly opened. She seemed genuinely surprised to see him at her bedside.
"Sweetie? What's wrong?" She sat up, wiping her crossed eyes with a hoof. She studied her hoof, confused by the wetness that laced its outer rim.
"Oh lawdy!" She sprang up. Any thoughts about Hunter or the wetness disappeared as fast as her outburst came. "It's almost eleven o' clock! I need to deliver the mail!"
Hunter looked at the clock on the wall, then gently pushed the flailing pony back down. "It's seven o' clock. You still have four more hours."
She blinked her eyes straight, then chuckled at the mistake she had made. "Must'a had my eyes crossed." She settled down, then looked inquisitively at Hunter. "Sweetie, what are you doing in here?"
He groaned internally at the pet-name, but maintained a
calming tone. "I heard you crying in your sleep, so I came in here to make sure you were okay."
She smiled bittersweetly. "Aww. That was sweet of you." The smile faded as she remembered the past night. "I was just having a bad dream."
"Oh? What was it about?"
Tears welled up in her eyes as she recalled the dream in her mind. She blinked them out, turning away, then turned back to Hunter and asked, "Sleep with me?"
Wat.
"Derpy, I just met you yesterday. Don't you think it's a little weird to be... Sleeping, together?"
She just looked at him like what he was saying didn't make sense.
"I was just thinking that we should get to know eachother more before we... You know... Oh, that came out wrong."
Something seemed to click in her head. "Ohh... I see what you're saying."
He smiled. "Yes! I'm glad you understand."
Her face took a slight red tint, and she fluttered her eyes. "I'm flattered that you would think of me in that way. But no, I just meant sleep in the same bed as me."
He stuttered, blushing and fumbling over his words. "No! That's not what I meant at all, I mean-" he looked at her again, and she was giving him puppy eyes. Big puppy eyes.
They had no effect. "Derpy, I'm not sleeping with you."
She dropped the act and frowned at him. "So, this is the thanks I get for saving your life..."
He sighed, accepting defeat. "Fine..."
Her face brightened, and she shifted to allow space for him to fit. He hesitantly climbed in, trying to ignore the pulses of pain his nerves were sending to his brain.
Once in, he decided to set some ground rules. "Okay, I'm just here to comfort you until you fall asleep. Don't try touching me, or-"
Derpy was snuggled up against his side before he could finish.
He sighed. What could he do? He wasn't about to force her off, and if it came to an argument, she had the advantage.
Well. What do I do now?
Try to enjoy it?
...
He turned to her so that her snout was in his chest, and hugged the back of her head. He ran his hands through her mane, to which she sighed contentedly.
She really doesn't understand the meaning of 'warming up to someone'', does she?
She's innocent. Didn't you hear her talking about the guy who got her pregnant? She just recently figured out that he's not coming back.
Well, she doesn't need him. She has you.
For the time being, at least.
He soon felt Derpy's heartbeat slow, and her breathing took on a steady rhythm. She was sound asleep now.
Hunter didn't follow suit. He lay there, gently massaging the back of her neck, wondering just what it was the future had in store for him.
__________________________
A/N
Thanks to Night Spring for really helping out and putting up with getting spammed by my glitchy internet! Really though, he helped immensely with these first two chapters. If you're enjoying this story, you should go thank him.