Levee wasn’t kidding when she said the maze was big. Trust me. Even knowing where we needed to go was little comfort in these cold walls. Not to mention we were bored out of our minds.
“I spy with my little eye…”
“A maze of twisting passageways; all alike.”
“Cool! How’d you guess?”
“Because that’s exactly what you ‘spied’ last time. And the time after that. And the time after that.”
“But I’d already gone through all of you guys. And I can’t really spy myself, can I? Maybe I can? Oooh, I’ve got a good one! I spy with my little eye…”
“Yourself.”
“How’d you guess?”
This routine went on for far, far longer than it should have. Until…
“I spy with my little eye… a light!”
“Look dear, it’s rude to refer to our friend here as if he were an object.”
“No silly, I don’t mean Glowy, look there!”
Indeed, we did spy a light. It looked like fire, but that wasn’t possible. The air in here should have snuffed out external light like that.
“Oh, I forgot to tell you”, Levee interrupted our bemusement, “I saw that light before, when I was scouting. That’s how I knew the inside of this”, she pulled out the map and pointed to a large square room at the edge of the maze, “room without actually going in.” She awaited a reaction. Getting none, she continued. “Well? Aren’t you guys pleased? This is the end! We’re almost out of the maze!”
Yeah, we should have been pleased, but something didn’t feel quite right.
“Uhh… Levee, how should I put this?” Electric Sky pondered for a moment before settling on “I’ve spent enough time at the arcade to know large square rooms with only one entrance are never a good sign. Especially at the end of an area.”
That was certainly the strangest logic I’d heard from her tonight, but I couldn’t help but agree. There was something suspicious about that room, and the light.
Which, as we got closer, revealed itself to be a pair of flaming torches, framing the entrance to the room. This was certainly ominous. Nonetheless, from the map it was clear this was our only exit, so it seemed we had no choice.
The room was bright, so much so that we, so accustomed to the darkness of the maze, had to cover our eyes as we entered. Emerald Ray, seeing his talents were no longer needed, um, extinguished himself. I hope that made sense.
As we took our first steps into the ominous square room, we realised we were not alone. Standing in the centre was a giant figure on two hoofed legs, with the upper body of a particularly muscular ape-like… thing. (Sorry, there really isn’t another way to describe it. I hear biologists have been debating the origins of the minotaur’s top half for centauries) I… just realised I spoiled what this creature was, so I’ll cut to the chase: this was bad.
“Wow, a minotaur! I’ve always wanted meet one!”, said Electric Sky, clearly not sharing my sentiment.
“Meh, see one minotaur you’ve seen them all”, said Levee, before adding:“But this is the first brown one I’ve seen…”
“D… do you think it’s dangerous?”, muttered Bumblesweet.
“Come on, just because he looks scary doesn’t mean he is. He’s probably a really nice…”
The minotaur cut Lilly Blossom off with a snort of contempt.
“What’re you lookin’ at, four-legs?”
We all slinked back towards the entrance.
“I’d warn you all to run but…”
Said entrance slammed shut behind us.
“It’s a little late for that. Heh heh heh.”
“Oh, oh dear…” said Lilly Blossom.
The minotaur took two giant strides towards us. We’d run out of space to retreat.
“Now then, sissies, let me explain how this is gonna work.”
“You leave us alone and we’ll get on our way?”, said Bumblesweet, although she knew as well as I did that wasn’t going to work.
The beast snorted. “Afraid not. Ya see, bein’ cooped up down here gets boring. Real boring. And it’s not often I get visitors so…”
“Ooooh! I see how it is! Well I think I have the answer! I always have some spare parchment with me, a quick round of Tick-Tack-Toe ought to…”
“LEVEE!”
“Oh, sorry.”
“Bwahahahaha!” The minotaur laughed so loud the room seemed to shake. “Sorry, it’s just hilarious how sissy you ponies are sometimes! Lemme tell you my idea of fun. One of you hasta’ challenge me to single combat.”
I gulped, I was afraid he’d say that.
“If you win, I let you all go. But I’d feel sorry for ya’ then, cos’ in here you’d be missin’ the pigs flyin’. And explodin’. And the oceans boilin’ and…”
“We get it”, interrupted Electric Sky, “You think our chances of winning are approximately one million in ten to the ninety nine…”
“Your fancy mathematics won’t muddle me!”, the minotaur roared in her face.
“Aw ponyfeathers, I thought that would work.”
“And just because I’m so kind”, the minotaur continued, “I’m gonna let you try as many times as ya’ want. Not that it’ll help. But only one at a time! And no flyin’! Or magic! Well, this room will see t’that anyhow.” He strode back into the centre of the room and began to flex his muscles in anticipation.
Electric Sky took this moment to whisper to me “He’s right you know. You can’t tell, but I already tried a couple of spells. This room has some kind of anti-magic field.”
Well, at least that didn’t affect me. But still, there was no way any of us could take on something like him. We were doomed.
The minotaur assumed a battle stance.
“The process continues until you’re all dead, or I get bored. Whichever come first. Now… which one of you sissies wants to take the first shot?”
Electric Sky donned her goggles and gave her right foreleg a few prods. “That would be me”, she said, with an air of confidence.
While I admired her bravery, my practical side immediately objected. “Uhh… are you sure this is a good idea? You’re a scientist, not a fighter.”
“Don’t worry, I have a plan”, she whispered with no loss of confidence.
The yellow unicorn trotted up to the muscle-bound brute in the centre of the room. The two exchanged glances for a moment, before the pony held out her right hoof in a gesture of honourable challenge.
“Let’s make this a fair fight. Agreed?”
“Sure”, replied her opponent, and reached out his arm.
Rapidly. In a gesture of much-less honourable clobbering. Electric Sky flew across the room and slammed into the wall behind us, groaning in pain.
“Bwahahaha! You think I’d fall for a cheap trick like that?”
“Oh heavens dear! Are you okay?” came Bumblesweet’s cry.
“Ugh… y…yeah, I’m fine”, she said, obviously not. “Curses… how’d he know about my… Argh! This is gonna take ages to recalibrate…” She seemed mostly concerned about her right foreleg which, strangely enough, was the only part of her body that still looked in pristine condition. But at that moment, I suddenly noticed something. Within that same pristine limb, for a moment, I swear I saw a gleam of silver.
But my mind returned to the problem at hand. Electric Sky looked like she’d be out of action for a while, leaving just five of us. Among those left, Emerald Ray, being an earth pony and one raised in the wild at that, was most likely our best option. But, just my luck, he’d immediately gone to tend to our fallen companion, despite her protesting. And that really narrowed down our options. I had pulled snowploughs at Winter Wrap Up for years, but I doubt that qualified me to fight in a battle to the death. But, when it came down to it…
“Very well. I will go.”
But Bumblesweet had taken the words out of my mouth before I could say them. We all had our doubts, but I reminded myself she had survived a direct encounter with Cerberus. Perhaps she could…
“Bwahahahaha!” laughed the Minotaur again, “Oh, that’s rich! Look, your Sissy Mark is even a buncha’ bugs! So I guess your special talent is GETTING SQUASHED BY ME!!”
“Laugh all your want, monster”, Bumblesweet replied, taking on a tone I had never heard her use before. In that moment, the earth pony standing before the horned beast had ceased to be the motherly mare I knew. She was defiant, determined, and about to get dead serious.
“No foe in Equestria is a match for my top tier BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!”
And with that she made the… noise she had before. And like before, the bees answered. I you ask me, I honestly have no idea how a swarm of bees managed to hear her from down here, let alone actually find her. But find her they did, somehow, and it wasn’t our place to question it. Bumblesweet now had an army. We might be in with a chance.
“Fly my pretties! Fly, fly, ahahahahaha!”
I admit that this Bumblesweet kinda scared me though.
Her army obliged, and the minotaur soon disappeared in the cloud of their swarm. The buzzing grew louder and louder as we waited with bated breath…
Before it was silenced by an even louder sound. One that, by this point, was really starting to get annoying.
“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” The minotaur simply stepped out of the cloud that assailed him, looking barely more than annoyed.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Was that suppos’ta STING!?”
He stepped forward to tower over his would-be assailant. Bumblesweet’s, and eveyopony’s, confidence vanished in an instant.
“Don’t worry, THIS sure will!!”
“STOP!!!”
An unlikely voice cried out. When I regained my composure, I saw Lilly Blossom standing between the two combatants. I tried to call out, but the words wouldn’t come.
The minotaur gave the loudest snort yet. He was furious now.
“I TOLD you, only one at a time! You really must have a death wish, fourlegs.”
Lilly Blossom still stood firm. “I am not violating the rules, I am offering to take my friend’s place. I will not see my friends hurt.”
“Lilly… Blossom…”, said Bumblesweet, “You don’t have to…”
The purple pegasus gave her friend a look that told her, yes, in fact, she did. Bumblesweet seemed to acknowledge her wish. The minotaur, not wanting to go against his own rules, allowed the exchange.
“Everypony, get back”, said Lilly Blossom as she took her position. Facing the minotaur, she proclaimed:
“I am your opponent!”
“You’ve got guts”, replied said opponent, “but you’re gonna be wishin’ ya didn’t. I’m done messin’ around.” And he wasn’t kidding: for the first time, he stood back and readied a charge. I’d heard not even castle walls can endure the full strength of a charging minotaur. The damage it could wreak on a pony… was something that didn’t really bear thinking about, and we all made sure to stay out of his path. All but one: Lilly Blossom didn’t move an inch. She seemed intensely focused, almost as if she was… waiting?
Silence. Time seemed to slow to a crawl. Neither combatant had made a move. Suddenly, Lilly Blossom held out her right wing, and let it gently flutter for a moment. The minotaur’s eyes burned blood red and I swear I saw him expel smoke from his nostrils.
“NOW YOU DIE!!!”
The ground beneath us shook with the force of the beast’s hooves. For something so bulky, he was incredibly fast, and he was upon Lilly Blossom, horns lowered, in a matter of seconds. I called out in panic, but she remained still, as if she couldn’t even hear me. We all covered our eyes, none of us could bear to look…
The next thing we heard was a loud CRASH! Fearing the sight that inevitably awaited me, I slowly lowered my hooves and half-opened one eye…
To find the minotaur in a crumpled heap beside the opposite wall. And in the room’s centre stood the lone purple pegasus, very slightly to the left of her former location, but otherwise unchanged. Not a scratch on her, not even so much as a missing feather.
But we couldn’t breathe a sigh of relief just yet, as the minotaur let out a groan and rose to his feet.
“Uuuugh… Uh… I mean… GRRRRRRRRRRR!!! I see what your plan is! Yer tryin’ to create an escape route by havin’ me smash the walls! Well sorry t’disappoint ya, but these here walls are completely indestructible! There’ll be no escapin’ for you… only DYING’!!!”
The beast charged once again. And once again, Lilly Blossom held her ground until the last possible moment before…
I’d say ‘swish!’ here, but as you’ll know by now, Lilly Blossom’s manoeuvres rarely made any noise. Anyway, all you need to know is she deftly dodged the charge, and her attacker’s head met the wall once again.
“Arrrrgh! Y…yer cheatin’! How can somethin’ even do that without wings!? Rrrgh, ya can’t dodge me forever, fourlegs! GRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!”
CRASH!
“Ugh…. gah…. D…do ya’… know who… I am!? I’m the Bronze Beast! The Butcher of Baltimate! The Slayer of Stalliongrad! The one who almost single-handedly brought back the Windigos! Ya think a sissy fourlegs like you can beat me!?!?
AAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHH!!!”
CRASH!
“Why you little…”
CRASH!
“Ugh… I’ll get ya! All b-both of ya!”
CRASH!
“I’ll…”
CRASH!
“I’ll…”
CRASH!
CRASH!
CRASH!
CRASH!
“Okay! Okay! I give up, you win!”, the now very battered and thoroughly unintimidating minotaur yelled while visibly struggling to stand. He stared blankly at us all, all the fire in his eyes gone, and seemed to trying to come up with a particularly intimidating parting taunt. Unfortunately, battered, bruised and heavily concussed, the only words he could muster were:
“W… why is everything… bigger and… eight?”
And, with a final crash, he fell to the ground, motionless. The doors behind and ahead of us creaked open.
“Da da da da DAAAAAAAAAA! You are Victoryful~!”
My jaw felt like it had hit to floor. Levee excluded, I’m sure the others felt something similar. By the time I finally regained the power of speech, the only words I could muster were:
“And you’re SURE you’re not a ninja?!”
Awkward silence.
“N…no”, Lilly Blossom replied, bemused, “but my grandmother was from Neighpon, if that’s any consolation.”
“That… makes a surprising amount of sense. Anyway, nice going, you really saved our flanks there.”
“Oh, don’t mention it. It was just dace practice, really. It was his own strength that did him in in the end.” She turned to her fallen opponent and said in a dignified yet still slightly immature fashion: “Serves you right you big meanie!”
“Lilly dear”, said Bumblesweet, “I know you’re a good dancer and all, but promise my you will never do that again.”
“Hey, she just saved your life!”, reprimanded Electric Sky, rising to her hooves despite Emerald Ray’s silent protests.
“Hey, hey, hey, I’m fine! Fine! Sheesh, I heard deer were overprotective, but this is ridiculous!”
“Oh… if… if you say so.”, he replied, sounding disappointed.
“Well”, I reassured him, “at least it’s good nopony was hurt, right Levee? Right?”
No response. That was odd. Come to think of it, I hadn’t seen her since the little victory song.
“You don’t suppose she’s…”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
No mistaking it, that voice was definitely hers. That couldn’t be good.
“Emerald Ray, your light again, please. We need to go now.” We followed the still-continuing scream back to its source, which, thankfully, wasn’t far away. But once we reached her, we found nothing. No horrible monsters, no more pony skeletons, just another dark, walled corridor.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH”, continued Levee.
“W-what’s wrong, dear? There’s nothing here.”, said Bumblesweet.
“W…we’re…we’re…
WE’RE STILL IN THE MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZE!!!”
I nearly tripped over. Still, our green pegasus friend was now just as furious as that minotaur, perhaps even more so.
“I! Cannot! Believe this! After all this time… after all this time… MY MAP WAS ONLY 50% COMPLETE!!! ………………..Yippee!”
Her sudden mood swing hit me like a mail cart. But I suppose it was to be expected by now.
“Now if you’ll excuuuuse me, I’ve got some mapping to do~!” and she was off once again.
“Sooooo”, I began, “I guess we should just wait here?”
“Sounds logical”, replied Electric sky.
“B-but what about that…”, added Bumblesweet.
“Oh I wouldn’t worry about him. He’s going to be out for a looooooong time.” reassured Lilly Blossom.
And so, all there was to do was wait.
**************************************************************************************************
“…And so I learned the hard way that Lightning Topazes and water don’t mix. Anyway, that’s how I lost my third laboratory.”
Electric Sky finished her tale just as we finally exited that blasted maze. Ugh, to this day children’s maze books still give my nightmares. But the trials of Tartarus were only just beginning.
The darkness was gone, thankfully. But the cold… that seemed to be getting worse. The air felt thick, almost crushing. Out of instinct, I turned to everypony and said:
“Look, you’ve all been an amazing help so far, but it’s just going to get worse from here on out. So if anypony wants to leave now, I’m not going to stop you.”
Nopony spoke a word.
“Alright, if you insist.”
And so we continued. The main path started to diverge a bit here, with several side branches splitting off to head Celestia knows where. My guess was that was where this place’s… inmates were kept. And to be perfectly honest, I didn’t even want to know what was down there. That minotaur from before was bad enough, thank you very much, and this was only the outer rim of the place. Put it this way, if some… thing as bad as Discord wasn’t sent here, I shudder to think what kind of monster would be. As for the fact I was on my way to meet somepony imprisoned in its inner circle, well, I tried not to think about it.
Luckily, it looked as though the further we went down the main path, the deeper into Tartarus we went. So at least we had no chance of getting lost. (not that we ever would with our resident mapmaker on our side) So, deeper we went, until we reached a great stone arch that looked like it would hold a door of some kind. As far as I looked though, I couldn’t see any trace of one. What I did see, however, was something that had been bothering me for quite some time.
“Umm… is anypony else getting really creeped out by those statues we keep seeing, or is it just me?”
Levee took the words right out of my mouth. Ever since we passed Cerberus’ lair, we had always been greeted by these stone statues. They were always… somewhere, watching silently in the distance, just out of our reach. Except I could have sworn the further in we went, the more there were, and the closer they got. To the point where, right now, they stood firmly in our view: one standing at either side of the arch, as if on guard…
And for the first time, I could finally get a closer look. On first inspection, they looked much the same as the statues you’d find in the Canterlot castle gardens, though the stone looked a darker shade of grey. The two before us were pegasi, but I remember seeing a roughly even spread of all three pony types among those I saw earlier. But no matter their breed, they all shared three characteristics: all stood in the same pose, all wore armour like the kind used in ancient times…
And none of them had a face. Clearly that was the source of all the creepiness.
That, and the fact the two before us showed absolutely no sign of age or wear. No chips, scratches, not even any dust. It’s almost as if they weren’t statues at all…
Weren’t statues at all.
My stomach seemed to jump at the very thought. The others looked like they were shivering, but I could tell it wasn’t the cold. We’d all silently come to the same conclusion.
And then I realised. Statues that aren’t statues, I vaguely remember reading about that in a book once…
“Hang on everypony, I just might know what these things are”, I said as I rummaged frantically through my saddle bags, feeling as though they’d get me if I turned my back on them…
“AAAH! HERE IT IS, FINALLY!” Everypony jumped with a start. They sounded normal in my head, but I was so terrified my words came out as a shrill scream.
“Ahem, sorry. Here we go: The Mesmerized Monster Masher’s Marvellous Magical Menagerie!”
“Sigh. Do the Canterlot publishers have some kind of unnecessary alliterative title division?”, muttered Electric Sky. Though I kind of agreed, I was too busy searching the book to comment.
“Tartarus… statue… AHA! Here!” I opened the book on a double-page spread (which, strangely, lacked any pictures) entitled ‘The Guardians of Tartarus.’ Just below the heading was written, in much smaller print: ‘information purely speculative’. Upon reading this, Electric Sky immediately turned away. Unperturbed, I read on:
Anypony will tell you Tartarus is a prison for the most foul and evil of all beings. But what exactly is keeping them in? Cerberus, most will reply, and this is correct to the best of common knowledge. Recently however, several of Canterlot’s top scholars have theorized that Cerberus is only the last resort, the final line of defence, if you will. According to this new belief, the insides of Tartarus in fact contain several layers of protective measures. Logically this makes sense, after all, Cerberus can’t be relied upon to deal with all threats. (and is prone to wandering off at the most inappropriate times)
There are many individual theories as to the exact nature of these ‘defences’, but the one held in most esteem (several of its supporters claim to be in close contact with Celestia herself, though this is impossible to verify) is the idea of ‘Guardians’, Tartarus’ “white blood cells”, so to speak. As nopony has ever ventured into Tartarus and returned, it is impossible to determine the appearance of such Guardians, but several facts have been established:
-They are most likely non-living, magical constructs. This much is certain, as no ruler in their right mind would send living ponies to guard such a place. Even if you ignore the fact the very action would amount to psychological torture, the truth is mortal ponies would simply not be strong enough to hold back the horrors there imprisoned. So artificial beings born of magic is a logical guess. Historical sources do indeed mention such beings, in the form of animate statues, used in a unicorn war of ancient times. Perhaps, in this time of peace, the very same beings were reassigned to guarding Tartarus? (Just speculation, I might add) Of course there are other theories, such as the souls of those lost to the place becoming bound to serve it for all eternity, but such an act of profound cruelty has been dismissed as preposterous even by the most irrational of ‘Tyrant Celestia’ conspiracy theorists.
“Well”, said Bumblesweet, “at least we can be thankful for that Lilly Bloss… Oh dear.” Realising said pegasus was already lying in a quivering heap on the floor, she stopped herself. I continued:
-Assuming the above, these constructs possess only rudimentary intelligence. In fact, if they are indeed the same constructs used in the unicorn wars, it’s hardly fit to call it ‘intelligence’ at all. It is, however, just enough to get their job done. Essentially, the Guardians awaken only in times of dire crisis, upon which they seek out anything that doesn’t belong in their designated area.
“That… means us”, I spoke the obvious, but it did little to calm me down.
The guardians’ main strength is their numbers, and so when faced with multiple targets they will instinctively prioritise whoever poses the biggest threat. This behaviour has been exploited in the past, but it presumably becomes useful when dealing with Tartarus escapees, it’s best to make sure those who pose the greatest threat to Equestria don’t get out, after all.
-Taking into account the above two points, it stands that these constructs CANNOT BE REASONED WITH, AND WILL NOT BE MOVED TO SHOW MERCY. But if you’re faced with them, you’re either a notorious evil beast or idiotic enough to actually venture into Tartarus. Either way, you had it coming.
“Well that’s awfully nice of them”, quipped Electric Sky. “Does this book have any other bright ideas, or is it just insults?”
“Hang on, I’ll check the ‘Battle Advice’ section…”
Tips from the Pros:
If you are encountering this monster, it means you are in Tartarus. Ergo, you are already dead. Actually, you’re worse that dead, you’re as far below dead as dead is from living. Either way, you’re too dead to be reading this sentence now, so stop.
“The book doesn’t say anything”, I wisely replied.
“Well, we know one thing”, Electric Sky had already begun strategising. “This ‘crisis’ that sparks the Guardians into action hasn’t happened yet. Which means…”
“It could happen at any time!”, said Lilly Blossom, still no more composed than before.
Electric Sky sighed. “Must you always be such a pessimist?”
“I’m not a pessimist, I’m a ‘don’t want to get killed by creepy statues’… ist.”
“She has a point, dear”, Bumblesweet entered the conversation. “For all we know this ‘crisis’ could be us going further into Tartarus. We should be ready for anything. Which, fortunately, I always am.”
“Really?”, said Electric Sky, possibly beaming with curiosity, “So what’s your ‘magically animated statues’ counter plan?”
“Oh that would be telling, wouldn’t it?”
I felt the need to intervene. “Look, girls. I think we can all agree that standing around here talking isn’t the most productive use of our time, so let’s…”
“Actually, what you’ve been doing has been very productive so far, I say keep at it!” Ah, so that’s where Levee had got to. She was now holding a whole pile of parchment. No doubt she’d been busy.
“Anypony have any extra space in their saddle bags?”, she said while flitting between us. “Oh, just fyi, if you want to go further into Tartarus I think the bridge would be your best bet.”
“What bridge?”
“HOLY MOTHER OF LUNA!”
“GREAT WESTINGHOOF’S GHOST!”
“CAN WE PANIC NOW??”
“Oh dear.”
Emerald ray said something exasperated in what I presume was deer.
“Oh… that means, ‘it’s a bridge.’ Deer do not have… how do you call it… expletives.”
“Yeah, what’s the big deal? It’s just a bridge”, said Levee.
An inexplicably thin bridge suspended over what looked like a bottomless ravine, obscured by mist.
“There’s no chance you could clear this with a spell…”
“Already tried”, came Electric Sky’s answer before I was even finished.
“So, uhh… just… be careful not to fall… then?” I was at a loss. This place just kept getting crazier.
“Sigh, do I have to do it again? Oh well: “Just don’t worry~! Everything’s gonna be fine~! We’re in no hurry, relax and take your time. Just…”
“Quick! Maybe she’ll stop if we get over the bridge!”, yelled Electric Sky as she ventured on, suddenly fearless. We all did our best to follow.
“Keep moving, don’t look down. Keep moving, don’t look down. Keep moving…” Before I knew it, my hoof once again met the more-familiar ground.
“Hey hey hey, you made it! See, that wasn’t so hard~”
“AAAAAAArrrrRRRRrrrrrrgggghhhHHHHHhhhhhhhhHH!”
“Oh, sorry. I can fly pretty fast when I know the area.”
Looking again, I could see I was actually the last to arrive. Which meant…
“Yeah, we all got her creepy little greeting too. But hey, at least we got through fine. I mean, things could have gone a lot worse.”
“Oh yes they could have.”
I jumped. “Who was that?”
Each of us sounded off with a “Not me.” Which is what I was dreading.
“Or should I say, things are about to get worse.”
“Show yourself!”
“Oh I’m afraid I can’t do that. Could I get you guys to come to me? Thanks.”
The voice sounded female, but it certainly wasn’t a pony. It sounded… bigger than that. And the way it rolled its r’s, it almost reminded me of a cat’s purr…
The closer I came, as the speaker came slowly into view, I soon realised why. Standing before us was a creature that was wholly alien, but composed of individually recognisable parts. The haunches of a lion, the wings of a bird, and a face that wouldn’t seem out of place on a household cat. Well, a really creepy household cat. I was sure I’d read about creatures like this in my books, but to see only for real…
“Look, I know it’s not everyday you see a Sphinx like me, but you don’t have to stare, it’s rude.”
“Oh, m…my apologies, Miss”, said Emerald Ray, as if he genuinely thought it would work. “We are on a quest presently, would you mind permitting us to pass?”
“Heh, nice try. I can tell you’re a pretty nice bunch though, which makes even harder for me to go through with this. Sigh, sometimes I hate my job.”
“And… umm… what exactly… is your job…?”, said Lilly Blossom, trembling all over. (and seemingly forgetting she just single-handedly took down a rampaging minotaur)
“Honestly, don’t you read?”, the Sphinx replied.
I answered for her: “She’s going to ask us a riddle, am I right?”
“Very good, very good. And if you answer correctly, I’ll let you through.”
“Yay!”, said Levee.
“But, answer… unwisely”, we all shuddered, “and you’ll be trapped down here, for all eternity.” That last word shook the walls and pierced us like a spear.
“Nothing personal”, she added casually.
“We get it, just give us the riddle already”, said Electric Sky.
The Sphinx sighed. She really seemed like she didn’t want to go through with this.
“Alright. If you wish to pass, you must give me… what I desire.”
“Okaaaaay” I certainly hadn’t heard this one before.
“I desire something that is:
Greater than Celestia
Worse than Discord
Rich ponies need it
Poor ponies have plenty of it
If you eat it you die.”
“That’s it?”, I asked.
“Yep.”
“And we have as much time as we want to think about it?”
“Sure, take all the time you want. Though you might want to know, I once had somepony in here who spent a year trying to figure it out… and he still got it wrong.”
Electric Sky seemed to takes this as a challenge, given how she positively bolted forward.
“Yes, but he only had one brain. We… have six. Come on everypony, it’s brainstorming time!”
And so the huddle began. It was just as well we had 6 brains, as I alone certainly couldn’t have figured this out. Placed in my position, could you? Think about it for a bit. While you are, I’ll report the results of our brainstorming session.
“Greater than Celestia… but worse than Discord? How can something be both at once…?”, Lilly Blossom began.
“You think it’s a trick question?”, said Levee.
“It’s a Sphinx riddle, they’re always trick questions.”, answered Electric Sky.
“Okaaaaaaay, so at least we’ve established that. We’re on our way, yay!”
“Umm… ahem… excuse…”, it took Emerald Ray several attempts to get into the conversation.
“Got any ideas?”
“Uhh… no… I was just trying to inform… I mean… your words, I still find, difficult, so I believe it is best I…” he trailed off into silence, but by then he’d made his point.
“Now come on dear, I’m sure you could…”, began Bumblesweet, before being cut off.
“But, it would displease me to… doom you all… because the answer is a word I do not know.”
It pained me to say it, but I admitted he did have a point. I convinced the others to let him sit this one out.
“Right, so now we’re down to 5 brains. Drat, we need to pick up the pace. How about we scan each line individually…”
“Way ahead of you, Sparky. If you eat it, you die, hmm…” Electric Sky looked a little confused, but it was soon gone, clearly she’d learned to get used to our mapmaking friend’s logic by now.
“Let me guess: it’s a trick question, so you figure it makes sense to work backwards.”
“Nice one! You’re starting to get the hang of this!”
“And I wasn’t even being serious”, the yellow unicorn muttered under her breath. Well, any start was a welcomed accomplishment, in my view.
“If you eat it you die… Aha! It’s so obvious! POISON!”
We all stared blankly. I sighed and resigned myself to ‘awkward silence breaking duty’ this time.
“Explain to me… exactly how can poison be greater than Celestia?”
“Well maybe if it was delicious poison.”, Levee stated is if it were an obvious fact.
A disturbing thought suddenly entered my mind. “Wait a minute. Poison. Rich ponies need it… poor ponies have… plenty…of…it…” I noticed everypony begin to turn pale. We unanimously voted to pretend we’d never brought that up.
“So we’re back to square one”, stated the scientist among us and sighed. “Don’t worry, I’m used to that by now.” Her tone quickly returned to one of optimism. “Okay, I say what we’re looking for is more likely to be an abstract concept, rather than a physical object. That’s how most of these riddles go, anyway.”
At this, Lilly Blossom was suddenly enthusiastic. Was she on to something?
“Ooh, ooh, I just remembered we used to hear riddles like that all the time at slumber parties! And you know, I’ll bet you the answer here is…”
We all held our breath. Scarily enough, so did the Sphinx.
“Love!! It’s always the answer to things like this!”
“Well, she kinda has a point”, said Electric Sky, “After all, love can be greater than Celestia, and when brought on by Love Poison it’s certainly worse than Discord.” She turned to me and whispered: “Accidently brewed some once. You don’t wanna know.”
I hated to shoot down everypony’s hopes, but...
“There’s just one slight problem: you don’t die if you eat love. Come to think of it, how would you even eat love anyway?”
“Well, maybe ponies don’t”, Lilly Blossom replied, “but there could be some creature out there that does. And maybe if it ate too much love all at once…”
Deciding that route was a total bust, we moved on. (Yes, yes, no doubt you’re all seeing the delicious irony there, but we certainly couldn’t have. Moving on.)
“Any other ideas? Anypony?”
“Ah! Amm… wait, no.”
Hours passed.
“Yes! That’s it… no.”
More hours passed.
“Take all the time in the world, really.”, the Sphinx said, oddly reassuringly. “I mean, it’s not like I’m going anywhere or anything…”
“Well you may have all the time in the world”, Bumblesweet approached the Sphinx, suddenly furious, “but we have families to return to, schedules to keep… Oh sweet Celestia my schedule!! I’d totally forgotten! Next week’s shipment to Baltimare… No, I mustn’t… okay… need to calm… down…” She said while still obviously hyperventilating. Trotting back over to us, she said slowly: “Now dears, no need to rush or anything, but could you…”, unfortunately, she couldn’t hold in her panic for much longer, “pleasegetamoveonnow!”
Lilly Blossom flew to her longtime friend’s side in consolation. “Now now Bumblesweet, I know you like to work to a schedule, but we can’t rush this: if we get this wrong… you’re never going to work to a schedule again.” Pity that last part sort of undermined the first.
“As much as I agree we can’t rush”, came Electric Sky’s first words in several hours, “Bumblesweet has a point. I mean, we can’t just sit around her doing noth………………………”
She froze. Her blue eyes widened. A beaming grin formed across her face. I knew full well what came next…
“EUREKA!!!”
And we were blinded by the flash of her horn once again. But by now we all knew this was a good sign.
“YES!! YEEEEEEES! I don’t believe this! The same thing solves two problems in one day, I love being efficient!!!”, at this she grabbed by and shook me by the shoulders, even though I had no idea what she was talking about. Though I had a hunch she had solved the riddle…
“Everypony”, she said, and we gathered around. “I… think I know the answer.” It was strange, she seemed a lot less confidant than I would have thought. “But I know… an awful lot is riding on this. Do you really… think you can trust me?”
Though I admit I would feel the same under such pressure, I had never seen this side of Electric Sky before.
The first reply came from an unexpected source.
“Of course we do. You’re our friend, right everypony?” Levee glanced at the rest of us, almost accusingly.
“Of course dear.”
“Exactly.”
“You are correct.”
“But, you’re all trusting me with your…”
For reasons I can’t quite explain, I felt the need to stop her.
“It’s okay. We all know you’ve got this. And I know you know you’ve got this. There’s nothing to fear.”
I could tell Lilly Blossom was thinking “group hug”, but with a glance I mentally told her now was not the time.
“You’re right.. I… I got this. Thanks.”
She strode over to the Sphinx, slowly at first, but slowly hitting her stride. We knew she could do this, and thanks to us, she did too.
“Ahem. Excuse me.”, she called out the creature, loudly and proudly.
“Oh, what is it?”
“We have your answer.” She paused. “Or, I should say, we don’t have your answer.”
Concern began to show on my friends’ faces. But I retained my composure. “She’s got this”, I told myself.
“Do go on”, said the Sphinx. Electric Sky did.
“We cannot give you “what you desire”, because it doesn’t exist.”
Concern turned to confusion. “She’s got this, she’s got this…”
“Let me put it another way: what you desire, is ‘nothing’.”
At last, confusion turned to understanding:
Nothing is greater than Celestia
Nothing is worse than Discord
Rich ponies need nothing
Poor ponies have nothing
If you eat nothing, you die
“And that”, said Electric Sky, all hesitation in her voice gone, “is our final answer.”
The creature stood, immobile, as if savouring the moment. Finally, with a great sense of relief in her voice, she simply said:
“Thank you.”
“Really… really? Our green Pegasus friend looked like she was about to explode. And explode she did.
“WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!! Victoryful once again! Now if you’ll excuuuuse me~, I’m off to map the deepest, dingiest, darkest depths of Tartarus, be right back!”
And so the Sphinx was forced to lift her paw and allow us passage a little earlier than she wanted to. The others hurried after our intrepid friend, all but Electric Sky, who had… struck up a conversation with our former opponent?
“You know, you’re more than welcome to come back and visit. I’ve got loads more brainteasers where that came from. Oh don’t worry, I’m not going to imprison you if you lose, it’ll be strictly a social thing.”
“Uhh… yeah, if I get the time I’ll try and… come down… here.” I realised now would be a good time to intervene. As we put another… interesting experience behind us, Electric Sky said to me:
“Did I just… befriend a mythical creature?”
Both laughing, we proceeded on, until…
“Hey, unicorn!”
Electric Sky turned with a start. “Huh?”
“Not you, the other one.”
My heart skipped a beat them moment I heard those words. I felt frantically at my forehead but… nothing. So how could she have known?
“Y-yes…”, I reluctantly answered.
“Good luck”, the Sphinx called back.