Derpy's Protector: Chapter I
Stargazing was a favorite pastime of Twilight's. By now, she had memorized and could name all the stars that could be seen with the naked eye, and then some.
An incredible feat, yes. But, when asked if she had a special interest in stars (her cutie mark was often mistaken for a talent in astronomy), she always just said that it was one of her hobbies.
From stars to sand, Twilight was very knowledgeable. It was why she was currently in Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. So, when she saw the lightning bolt appear from a cloudless sky, she knew something was off.
She pointed her telescope into the city below, looking for clues as to where it had struck. She had read about instances similar to this, where lightning would appear under completely unnatural circumstances. Oftentimes, something was being transported through these bolts of electricity.
She spotted a small scorched crater in the park of whatever town she was looking at. Ponytown or something like that, she couldn't remember at the moment.
She refocused the lens, but once the spot was in clear vision, there was nothing peculiar about it, other than the peculiar lightning bolt hitting a peculiar spot making a peculiarly deep, and must she say peculiarly shaped hole.
Other than that, it was completely normal. But wait...
Another peculiarity.
Some of the grass around the point of impact was flattened, not in a perimeter as if the force from the blast had made a circle around the crater, but as if a large figure had been rolling around on the ground.
She smiled, her suspicions about this peculiar lightning bolt confirmed.
"Spike, take a note."
No answer.
"Spike?"
Still no response.
She whipped around, cranky from sleep deprivation. "SPIKE!!!"
A little purple dragon nearly jumped out of his scales, his half-asleep mind frantically trying to work out what was going on.
After running into a wall, he (almost) straightened himself out and dizzily saluted Twilight.
"Spike here, reporting for doozzzyy..."
His voice trailed off as he passed out on the ground, retaking the form he had been in prior to his abrupt awakening.
At this point, Twilight had already floated a notebook and a quill in front of her, manually taking notes instead of having Spike do it.
She paused for a second, and turned around to gaze at the sleeping baby dragon on the floor.
"Aww, my little Spikey-wikey needs his sleep," she cooed, using her telekinesis to float him into his basket and cover him with a star-patterned blanket.
"Sleep well, my number-one-assistant," she said, kissing him atop the forehead and trotting back to her telescope.
"Let's see... A pair of hoofprints, leading back towards what seems to be the heart of the city, if you can call it that." She chuckled for a moment at her stab at the small town. The houses were so small and old-fashioned, compared to the marvelous manors of Canterlot.
After she was done listing her observations, she neatly packed everything away, including the telescope, and slipped into bed. She thought about tomorrow, and how she would report first thing in the morning to her mentor about the strange bolt of lightning, that may or may not have contained an extraterrestrial being.
With her thoughts of aliens and science, she soon fell unconscious into the warm embrace of slumber.
----------
Oh fuck... What happened?
Everything hurt. His back, his legs, his head, even his eyelids groaned as he tried to open them.
This definitely isn't my bunk...
He recalled the events prior to waking up here.
Let's see... I boarded an unknown cargo ship with my squad, because we had spotted weapons. Andrew was leading us. He told me to breach the first door. When I kicked it in, there was a flash.
He tried to remember anything past that. Recalling nothing, he decided to inspect his surroundings.
He painfully turned his head to the side, observing the room around him.
Is this some kind of midget house or something? Everything is fricken small!
Indeed, in comparison to what he was used to, everything was tiny. Even the couch he lay on almost wasn't large enough to accommodate the full length of his body.
Besides, why am I even in ahouse? Last I checked, I was in the middle of the Indian Ocean.
His brain hatched a brilliant explanation to it all.
Maybe I triggered a trap when I kicked open the door, was knocked unconscious by the explosion, then a civilian took me in.
No, wait, genius. Indian Ocean, remember?
Oh. Yeah.
He decided he would check himself for injuries.
He took a deep breath, counted to three, and hoisted himself up. A burning sensation overtook his legs, and he let out a yelp as his spine cracked into position.
He shouted a few curse words before being met by a shadow on the floor.
"Hello? Are you okay?"
He had failed to realize that someone may have been watching him all along, hearing him blurt out profanities in their household.
Unclenching his eyes, he looked up and tried to redeem himself.
Wincing, he spoke. "Hello, my name is HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF-"
She cocked her head. "Well, that's a funny name. I'll just have to call you 'Sweetie', okay?"
He shook his head. This had to be a dream. He had woken up in a midget house that was occupied by a grey, blonde-haired talking pony with wings.
Either a dream, or he had been given extra-strong painkillers.
She saw that he wasn't talking, so she introduced herself. "My name is Ditzy. Ditzy Hooves. Most people call me Derpy though, I don't know why."
At that exact moment, her yellow eyes decided to cross, giving 'Sweetie' a full understanding of the nickname.
This disarmed him a bit, though he was still slightly unnerved by the whole 'talking pony' thing.
He decided to ask the first thing that came to mind.
"Where am I?"
She smiled brightly. "My house, silly!"
Well no shit.
Actually, just a second ago you were wondering-
Shut up brain.
He half-attempted a smile, and specified. "No, I know that. I meant, what city am I in?"
She said it like it was the most wonderful little place in the world. "You're in Ponyville! You didn't know? Well, I suppose you wouldn't, considering you came out of a lightning bolt."
Wait wait wait, hold on there. What?
"Okay wait, back it up. So you're saying I," the implication sounded preposterous, "came out of a lightning bolt?"
She nodded her head rapidly.
"And I'm currently in a town called Ponyville?"
"Yep!"
He gulped, fearing the answer to his next question. "Which means I'm in a town full of... Ponies?"
"That's about it!"
He realized at that point that he probably wasn't going to be home in time for Christmas.
----------
"So you say a lightning bolt hit Ponyville last night?"
Twilight nodded, but had to clarify. "Yes, but it wasn't just any lightning bolt. It was very peculiar."
Celestia eyed her student. "How so?"
Twilight pulled out a book. "There were no clouds, it left a large hole in the ground, and on top of that, there were signs of struggle and hoofprints around the point of impact."
Celestia was becoming curious, trying to figure out where this was going. "What are you implying?"
Twilight smiled, glad that she had gotten her mentor's attention. She opened up the book. "Since there were signs of struggle, somepony had obviously been affected by the lightning. But there was no body, and the hoofprints leading away from the area showed no signs of limping."
The princess was indeed interested. "Go on."
"Well, I recalled something I had read a while back, about beings being transported by lightning. So I searched for it again, and sure enough," she flipped a few pages, and slammed her hoof on a certain paragraph, "here it is!"
Celestia read it out loud. "Brontotransportation; the transportation of objects through lightning. Usually achieved through magic." There was more, but it was mostly stuff about when it was first seen and the effects it had on history, yada yada.
Twilight looked expectantly to her. She said nothing, causing an unnerving silence.
"You don't believe me, do you?" Twilight finally asked, breaking the silence.
Celestia donned a pleasant, but obviously fake smile. "I believe you, Twilight. In fact, you have helped me more than you know."
Before Twilight could respond, Celestia had already walked out of the room, the double doors swinging closed behind her.
----------
"Are you okay, Sweetie? You've been sitting there for ten whole minutes."
He snapped out of his trance, realizing that Derpy had pulled up a chair and was sitting in it, observing him.
Although no tears escaped his eyes, his face was plastered with despair. "I'm not sure if I'm okay. I... I have a wife and a daughter back home. Are we still on Earth?"
She cocked her head at first, but after her slightly slow mind put two and two together, she shook her head sadly.
He buried his face in his hands. It took a strong man to realize he may never see his family again, and not go crazy at the thought of it.
He had to outsource his grief somehow, however, and stood up suddenly. He was going to beat the living fluff out of that couch, but an extreme burning sensation even worse than the one before clawed at his shins. His ankle bent at an unnatural angle, and he collapsed back onto the couch, screaming with both pain and frustration.
Derpy rushed out of the room, and returned with two ice packs. Gently, she placed them on his shins.
He nearly kicked her in the face from the initial surprise, but after a few moments, the burning went away and he was left feeling grateful to her.
"Thanks, Derpy," he said, relaxing as the pain subsided.
"No problem, Sweetie," she said, hugging him.
Wow, she's a brave little pony, he thought, taking care of and hugging a complete alien. I admire that.
He wanted to clear something up though, before it was too late. "By the way, the name's actually Hunter. Steve Hunter."
She raised an eyebrow. "I thought you said your name was-"
"I was actually about to shout a profanity, but you interrupted me before I could."
She frowned, pondering this. The frown dissipated, and she casually stated, "I think I like Sweetie better."
He groaned. It was too late; the nickname had stuck.
Then something strange happened.
Did a small foot just kick me in the side?
Derpy released herself from the hug, looking down at her belly. He hadn't even noticed the bump between her legs prior.
"Ooh! I just felt the foal kick! Did you feel her kick?"
He scratched the back of his head uncomfortably. "Yeah, I did. It was... pleasant. But that brings up something important."
"Yes?" she responded, feeling her belly for any more signs of movement.
"You said I arrived in a flash of lightning. Now, since I don't remember anything, I assume I was unconscious, right?"
She didn't even look up, just nodded and gave an "Mm-hm."
"So does that mean you carried me from wherever I was, all the way back to your house?"
She smiled and said, "Yep!"
Hunter looked shocked. "Weren't you worried that something might happen that could harm your... Foal?"
Derpy's careless expression suddenly changed to a serious demeanor. "It's my job as Muffin Mayor to ensure the safety of all those in need, even the Alien Keepers of Lightning!"
He looked at Derpy like she had just told him that the world was flat and the sun and the moon were controlled by magic wizards.
"Derpy, what the f- no, you know what? One, what the hell are you talking about, two, what did you just call me?"
"Well," she said, eager to explain, "I have a special ability to sense things about muffins. I call it my 'Muffin Sense', kind of like Pinkie Pie's 'Pinkie Sense'."
Hunter face-palmed, not believing the crap he was hearing.
"Who's Pinkie Pie?"
Derpy brought her hoof to her forehead, a loud smack sounding. "Doi! You haven't met Pinkie Pie yet! Well, she should be coming over soon, I'm sure you'll love her!"
I'm sure I will.
"So, anyway," she went on, "I first discovered my muffin sense when there was this really creepy stallion, and he said-"
"Derpy, let's move on to the next thing."
She stopped in the middle of her sentence, slightly confused by the interruption. "Oh. Okay." She brightened up a bit once she began her story.
"So I was taking a walk last night, because I read that it's good to take walks when you're pregnant, right? And so, I get to the park, and right and front of me there's a huge bolt of lightning!"
"How exciting," Hunter said nonchalantly, "Go on."
"Well, anyways, after I nearly gave birth on the spot, I walked over and saw you lying there in a hole. I admit, I was scared by how big you were at first, but you looked hurt, and so I decided to check for injuries. I was surprised when the only burns you had were on your legs, but was worried when I saw your broken foot, and right there I decided that you needed help. And so, I resolved to take you back to my house."
She paused, looking up at Hunter to see if he was still listening. He was, and upon being reassured of this, she continued.
"The first time I tried to pick you up, I slipped and you rolled down the hill. But I successfully lifted you onto my shoulders the second time, carried you home, and pulled all the little sharp pieces of metal out of you."
"Pieces of metal?" he thought out loud, one thing coming to his mind.
"Mm-hm," she nodded, and gestured to a bowl that had apparently been sitting by the couch the whole time.
He leaned over, grunting a bit, and looked into the bowl.
His suspicions were confirmed Shrapnel.
He turned over onto his back, and resumed conversation. "Okay, but I'm still not exactly sure why you call me the 'King of Thunder' if I was almost killed by it."
"'Keeper of Lightning'", she corrected, "and I assumed you were, because of that lightning rock you had on your belt."
His eyes shot wide open. "The what?"
"Well, you had a weird shaped rock that shot out lightning. I found it in your belt-pocket-thingy, and when I pulled it out..."
Hunter didn't hear anything past 'weird shaped rock', as his hands flew to his holster in search of his handgun.
Nothing there.
"Where is it??" he shouted, afraid of what damage someone like Derpy could inadvertently cause.
"I left it in the kitchen. Here, I'll go get it."
"No, Derpy! Don't touch it!"
His cries went unheard as Derpy bolted out of the room, and came back holding Hunter's Mark 23 pistol, barrel pointed straight at him.
"I don't know how it works, so-"
"Derpy! Point that thing away from me!"
She wondered what he meant by that, then noticed the barrel.
"Oh! So that's where it comes out of!" She then proceeded to point the thing straight at her face and curiously look down the hole.
Hunter face-palmed so hard his hand almost went straight through his face. The damn horse is gonna get herself killed...
As if the universe conspired with his thoughts, a loud bang resounded through the house.
He looked up, expecting the worst. Derpy stood there, eyes spinning, wobbling slightly with a hoof on her head. The gun lay on the ground, probably knocked out of her hooves by the recoil.
Hunter let out a relieved sigh upon finding no blood.
"That was... Loud," she said, looking up at the ceiling. Two holes allowed sunlight to stream through the roof.
Two holes.
"Derpy, did this happen last night too??"
She shook her head, trying to clear the ringing in her ears. "Yeah, it did," she said, slightly guiltily.