Spike had entrenched himself in the library and spent the rest of the week classifying and sorting books and parchments. He went about this work in an almost robotic manner, like a machine that had been assigned a repetitive task not requiring any thinking. He felt as though he was on the inside of a sweetly soft cocoon, in a familiar environment which he could control perfectly; every nagging thought was banned from his mind without any further reflection. Even though a tiny voice inside of him tried to make him understand that all he did was postpone the inevitable, archiving and classifying manuscripts chased this weak glimmer of reality from his thoughts. No longer did he have to pretend or hide anything; he was now at home and was allowed to be himself, his mind and body protected from an outside world which from now on seemed hostile and dark, like the night without a moon, without light...
And yet, he couldn't completely sever ties with the outside world, since the library wasn't limited to his and Twilight's usage; a handful of ponies came by every day to check out or bring back this or that book or parchment. Spike presented a neutral face and curt phrases to these visitors, contenting himself with giving them the information they wanted and writing down who had borrowed which books on the list, without ever showing any kind of emotion. To him, it felt as though all of these tasks weren't actually performed by himself; he sometimes wondered if he wasn't more of a spectator rather than an actor in his own life.
His short moments of reflection seemed to him so sad, so hopeless, that he hastened to return to his snug cocoon, where he didn't have to feel anything and could finally find a moment of peace from the thunderstorm that were his thoughts. The work was his drug; only when he was asleep did his control slip. He soon started to try and avoid sleep, going to bed later and later, staying awake even though he was in a state of fatigue urgently requiring of deep slumber, without any dreams or images in his mind to assail and torment him.
And so Spike, who was both completely disconnected from reality and yet so sensitively attuned to its manifestations, who was both machine and a living being, lost multiple days. Whenever his friends asked for any news, he would respond with banalities. He came up with numerous excuses for his loss of energy and motivation, making use of a wide spectrum of reasons that usually were completely far-fetched. Day by day, he performed his tasks in a stoic fashion, eagerly anticipating the afternoon so that he could return to hole up in his cozy cavern, doing just what was absolutely necessary so that nopony would ask any questions.
This illusion of normality and well-being worked easily enough on most ponies, but it was much more difficult to deceive his close friends. They were not content with a vague response or a banal explanation; they could tell that there was something more going on inside of him. Everypony was worried, but they were at a loss when it came to understanding Spike's attitude. He smiled at their antics, didn't reject a meal or a walk, but all of that without his usual sense of presence, without the aura that until now had accompanied the little dragon.
Twilight, of course, worried the most; she hadn't ever seen Spike in this state before. And yet paradoxically, she had the greatest difficulties in addressing the subject with him. She had known him so well that she simply had no idea what to make of this new Spike, who had become a mere spectre in a body that was still perfectly alive. She tried to make him talk as often as possible, but every time, she bumped into a wall of words; and though they were reasonable, they lacked any soul. The other ponies of the gang tried to elicit a response from Spike, too, but without any success, in spite of their repeated efforts. Finally, they decided to try and live on as they had before, hoping that might inspire Spike to open up by himself and not under the force of his friends. In a way, they gave up in light of a situation that was utterly incomprehensible to them; they simply didn't know what else to do, even though everypony kept providing Spike little favours whenever the situation called for it.
This situation, which was making everypony uncomfortable, lingered on; days turned into weeks. Spike's attitude changed barely or not at all, and the other ponies gradually grew tired of it. He had taken on the habit of lonelily walking the streets of Ponyville in the night; simple contemplation was no longer enough for him, he wanted to try out something new. Sleep bored him as much as his daywork, and even though nopony said anything, he was still observant enough to notice how ponies passing him in the streets exchanged slightly embarrassed looks.
However, the calm and the silence of the night offered him a welcome moment of serenity, a break from his fatiguing internal conflicts. And so he roamed the empty streets, savoured the silence in places that usually were crowded and noisy at headache-inducing levels. Nopony was there to look at him, to judge him, to question him; it was just him and the night, in a tête-à-tête that soon was as natural to Spike as hairspray was to Rarity.
His walks gave him a fantastic feeling of wellness, a different kind of cocoon, this one out in the open air. His lassitude seemed to be appeased just by the simple act of putting one foot in front of the other; the simple pleasures of breathing the fresh air and walking freely in a different environment were energising and invigorating, just as his desire to lock himself up and shut out all reality had made him listless and feeble.
That evening, his steps led him to surroundings of the Carrousel Boutique. A window was illuminated; it was proof that Rarity, just like him, was still awake. In a way, that thought depressed Spike even more; the object of his desires was acting just like him, all the while mercilessly trampling on his feelings for her. The more Spike thought about that, the stronger his sense of incomprehension grew, which was why he usually tried to keep away from Rarity as far as possible. It struck him as rather odd that apparently nopony amongst his friends had made the connection between this distance and his rapid loss of energy.
"Oh, just why do girls have to be so complicated?" Spike sighed. "You indulge their every whim, you do them favours, you do everything to be nice, and then, in the end, they take your feelings to hurl them into a bottomless abyss, and you right with them if they could, I'm sure of it."
He felt his inner struggles resurface; so he preferred to get back to walking, to avoid having to confront them now and distract himself. But he didn't stop talking to himself, in complete contrast with the usual Spike, who just answered with curt phrases whenever somepony asked him something.
"Why must everything always take a turn for the worst? It's true! In romantic stories, everything ends well, even in those moments of doubt there are always signs that encourage you to go on; you don't find yourself all alone in midst of a desert like a piece of thrown-off ballast, with nothing to help you. So how come that everything goes wrong for me? Why won't my friends understand me, why is Rarity that blind on my subject, why does whatever I try only complicate things? I don't know, I must have done something terrible in a previous life to be punished like this in this one. Oh, shoot! I'm talking to myself while I can hardly speak three words with Twilight, and none with Rarity. I can't be normal. Something must have gone off the deep end with me, or maybe it's a birth defect, I don't know, and of course, nopony around anywhere to show me a way to get all this mess in order."
As he was talking, his steps had carried him to the park. He picked a bank hidden under the shadows of nearby trees, intending to savour the night for a little longer. He sat down with a deep sigh of relief, looking forward to these moments of absolute peace of mind.
Crack.
The sound of a snapped twig roused Spike from his trance. He wasn't the only one around, and this thought alone was enough to make him panic. In the blink of an eye, all his demons resurfaced at the prospect of meeting somepony at this moment, afraid of having to justify anything, whatever it may be.
Crack.
The same sound, but closer than the one before; the intruder was getting closer. Coming to, Spike jumped off the bank and crawled under a nearby bush to hide himself. Just don't make a sound. Stay hidden, then go back to the library quickly, just don't take any risks.
CRACK.
This time, the sound was very close to him. But at that very instant, the moon was obscured by clouds, making the night too dark to make out anything.
"Psst."
Without a doubt, the new arrival was a pony and not an errant animal, as Spike had hoped; that only added to his fear. He was stuck and couldn't just slip away now; he should have taken to his heels immediately. Now, he held his breath and tried his best to discern the darkness in front of him, to find the position of the intruder.
"I'm here", a voice murmured.
Spike, who was already as stiff as a statue, felt his body harden even more. It wasn't just one, but two ponies who were present; the voice he had just heard was different from the first.
"Couldn't you have tried and be a bit less noisy?" the second voice went on.
"That's easy to say for you."
"And what an idea to do that in public."
"You know full well that we need to stay discreet."
"Yes, but I'm sorry for thinking that a park isn't really that discreet of a meeting place."
"Oh, stop complaining, just for a bit."
"Or what?"
From where he was, Spike could clearly understand the two ponies, but was unable to attach a name to either voice. As far as distinguishing their silhouettes went, the shadow of the trees hid them almost perfectly, even though the moonlight had returned.
"Or I will — do that."
"Ha! Oh..."
"Hehe, works every time."
"You traitor."
The pony giggled lightly, to the embarrassment of her conversational partner.
"Okay, so maybe you could tell me why exactly you wanted to see me tonight?"
"Do I need a reason for wanting to see you?"
"Well, we've been seeing each other all day, if you remember."
"You know exactly what I mean, pony girl."
"Yeah, yeah, and if I don't?"
"Nothing, I just felt like spending a bit of time with you. It's been tough getting a bit of alone time for us these past days without all these ponies around."
"Oh, so it's nothing serious. That's reassuring."
"Why, you'd rather we not see each other when there's nothing bad happening?"
"No, that's not what I mean, it's just that —"
"Yeah?"
"You know, every time we meet we risk being — well, you know what I mean... and it's annoying, a bit scary, even, since..."
"Hah, I had no idea that you could be afraid of anything other than a dragon."
"No silly, you know full well what I'm trying to say."
"Oh come on, come on, don't you worry or I'll be all worried for you."
In his hiding place, Spike could no longer hold still. Apparently, he wasn't the only one with problems in this town, and he needed to hear about theirs. Accordingly, his curiosity was piqued, and he wanted to know more about it. His boundless imagination tried to come up with reasons for the silence that had just fallen between the two ponies.
"Okay, calmed down?"
"Yes", the pony giggled slightly.
"You surprise me more from day to day, you know."
"You too."
"When I think of it now, it's really incredible, the sort of stuff that keeps happening to us."
"Well... if you say so."
"Tssss, you still don't dare talking freely, admit it."
"That's who I am, I don't feel comfortable... well, you see."
"You know, I'd never judge you. You should let go a little when..."
"Yes, but our story seems so... not weird but... a bit unnatural."
"There's nothing more natural than the feelings one pony has for another. So stop racking your brains over that."
"..."
"And you know, there's been stranger relationships... take Spike, for example, that poor dragon with a crush on Rarity... a pony-dragon relationship, doesn't that strike you as odd?"
"Not really, even though Spike's a dragon, he's still a boy, and Rarity's a girl, while we... well..."
"Hah, don't worry about that. We're very discreet, but I think our friends wouldn't ever take issue with the fact that we're both ..."
"You see, even you can't say it straight-out."
As the two ponies continued their rendezvous, Spike made use of a big cloud passing in front of the moon to emerge from his hiding place and discretely, but swiftly, slip away. He was more running than walking up to the library, impatient to gain shelter. Only after the door was firmly closed behind him did he catch his breath. After he had poured himself a glass of water, he curled up next to a window and started to think about what he had heard tonight, while watching the stars. So he wasn't the only one in Ponyville suffering from problems of the heart? In a way, that was reassuring; he wasn't some kind of alien who had accidentally crashed in this world of ponies. But seen from another side, it was hard to be optimistic as he realised that the ponies also suffered from relationship problems. So for a creature from another species, it was practically like trying to get blood from a stone.
One sentence stuck in his head: "A pony-dragon relationship, doesn't that strike you as odd?"
The longer he thought about it, he had to admit that his story wasn't exactly trivial. Normally, you fell in love with people of your own nature; the thought of a cat loving a horse seemed squarely ridiculous. Maybe the problem didn’t lie with Rarity, but with him?
Little by little, an idea had started to form in his mind. This idea was so incredible that he had at first taken it as some kind of bad joke his brain was pulling on him. But the more he thought about it, the more the jigsaw pieces seemed to fall into place. Rarity dreamed of marrying Princess Celestia’s nephew, who was a unicorn. She herself had said that she understood ponies better than dragons. If he could become a unicorn, he stood a chance of Rarity noticing him, of her no longer seeing him as no more than a fashion crusader, an assistant or a simple dragon, but as a pony in love with her beauty. Birds of a feather flock together. He was sure that becoming a unicorn stallion would help him be loved by Rarity.
Becoming a unicorn to attract Rarity’s attention was extremely tempting... and impossible. Even though Spike was starting to delude himself into this idea, he still realised that changing your species was impossible. If that wasn’t the case, then why were all the inhabitants of this world ponies? Changing your species, that was a tantalising idea, but also a dangerous one -- didn’t it mean giving up who you really were in exchange for nothing but an altered appearance? The slavery of looks and reputation, and what was more, Rarity’s lofty aspirations absolutely didn’t go with the idea of frequenting a... a what? A monster, a freak, a fool? A demented person incapable of adapting to reality? A weakling, a good-for-nothing who went to pathetic lengths just to please a lady?
All that swirled around in Spike’s head, which was already rather used to these kinds of thoughts. Only that now, he now longer saw nothing but black; no, he was once more engaged in his quest for getting Rarity to like him, and that was new. His project resembled an enormous chimera, the consequences could be devastating, but still -- the desire to at least try it got to Spike more and more. At this point, why shouldn’t he simply try -- just try -- and check if a method existed to realise this project? He had nothing to lose and everything to win.
This newfound energy kept him from sleeping too long, and so he awoke early in the morning, surprising Twilight, who wasn’t used to him emerging from his bed until much later in the day.
“Oh Spike, you’re awake? I thought you’d be sleeping longer, sorry, I haven’t made breakfast for two...”
“No problem, I’m on it”, the dragon said. Twilight was both dumbfounded and overjoyed to find “her” old Spike was back.
“And what gives us the honour of an appearance so early in the morning?”
“Nothing special, I just wanted to do some research today, and I thought that it’d be easier to start in the morning. So I’d have more time.”
“What kind of research? Want some help?”
“No thanks, nothing important. Not worth the trouble.”
“Okay. Well, anyway, I have to go help Fluttershy. Seems like she needs my magic to help her solve a problem. And I think it’s time that I go or I’ll be late. So, Spike, have a good day!”
He responded with an arm gesture, his mouth busy with breaking down his breakfast into mush.
Having the library all to himself suited him perfectly; this way, neither Twilight or whoever else would know about his completely whacked-out idea. Once saturated, the dishes done, he directed his steps towards the library shelves, determined to finally find the solution to all his problems.
To be continued...