Hands
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
By Andrew J. Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
I am Andrew Shepherd. And I am, at the moment, charging through the palace of Canterlot with guns blazing and my trusty staff lashing out at numerous venom spitting Changelings.
Needless to say, the day had started out far more promising. Like, sexy time promising.
Don’t judge me.
"YAH!" I cried, swinging my staff around in a wide arc. The magic iron stretched out, and with the increase in leverage so too did the kinetic force of the blow, toppling several foes. More appeared above me, diving down with their fangs glistening, but having a unicorn for a girlfriend immediately came in handy as Twilight's magic blasts blew them into the nearby walls.
"This is why I hate weddings," I said flatly, pulling out my flintlock and emptying it into the face of a charging changeling. It squealed as it's head blew open and it fell over with violent twitches announcing it's death rattles. I decided to try to ignore that, as did the rest of the ponies.
Fluttershy managed to avoid throwing up, but probably only because she'd done it earlier.
"Alien invasions ain't usually traditional," Applejack stated, bucking a pair of changelings through a stain glass window depicting a bearded pony fighting some kind of witch thing. I didn't get a good look at it when it was intact, and now it was reduced to shards of glass so I hadn't gotten a good look.
Priorities, people. Priorities.
"So... Here's an idea!" I said breathlessly, as royal guards and Wonderbolts engaged Changelings in the air above us as pitched battle went on outside. "Why don't we find the Elements of Harmoniousness-"
"Harmony," Twilight corrected, looking a bit annoyed. I nodded.
"Right, them. Why don't we find them and-"
"Andrew! Shotgun!" Applejack called as she tossed said weapon to me. I quickly broke open the stock, reloaded the weapon, and tossed it back to the farmer. Applejack caught it and opened fire, smoothly blowing away two more Changelings. "Thank you kindly!"
"-And fix this mess?" I asked. Twilight grimaced.
"I would, but given how crazy it is this far from the vault..."
"And the fact that the Princess has been replaced by an imposter with access to said vault," Rarity pointed out.
"It's possible the Elements were taken and hidden away," Twilight finished, looking depressed. I sighed, sharing the feeling.
"So, we can fight our way through and try to stop the Queen of the Changelings ourselves, or go on a fetch quest for the magic nuclear football," I said dryly. "Lovely choices."
"The first option has a much higher chance of us dying horribly!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully as she blasted a few Changelings with her party cannon.
... Yeah, I had long since given up asking how it worked, or how she reloaded it, or how it seemed to be effective when it seemed to be filled with cakes, plates and streamers. I had too much to focus on right now.
Again, priorities.
"Th-That isn't exactly a good thing, Pinkie," Fluttershy pointed out.
"Oh! I meant to say it has a much higher chance of us doing something incredibly dangerous and awesome!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. Rainbow Dash, who had slammed a Changeling into a line of the beasts from above, came to a hover above us with a grin.
"Incredibly dangerous and awesome?! Count me in!"
"Gee, color me surprised," Rarity said flatly.
I sighed and rubbed my head. "Twilight, sweetie? You got any ideas for how to stop the alien god queen?"
"Well, she's powered up by love," Twilight hummed thoughtfully. "That might be her weakness!"
"Ah! Of course!" Rarity said cheerfully. "Then the solution is obvious! You, Andrew and Fluttershy must express your love-Together-In front of her-"
"NO," Twilight and myself practically growled. Fluttershy coughed.
"I um... Wouldn't mind... Depending on uh, if I got top or bottom..."
I groaned.
Maybe I should take this break in the fighting to detail how I got into this mess in the first place.
After all, if anyone on Earth finds this, all you'll have to work with is this action packed scene that begins in media res.
You deserve to know the whole story of how I, Andrew J. Shepherd, accidental human ambassador to an alien world ruled by talking magic ponies, ended up in this predicament. Where I was fighting for the survival of my current homeworld alongside the women I love.
And to understand that, you need to know how it all began.
Naturally enough, it began with me in pain.
But then, don't all my stories begin that way?
- - - - - -
"Ow!" I winced and rubbed the bandage on my cheek. "Ow..."
"It wouldn't hurt so much if you didn't pick at it," gently admonished Fluttershy, as the rocking of the train thrummed through me. I gave her a wry expression, before looking out at the moving countryside.
"It wouldn't hurt so much if I hadn't gotten hit in the first place," I said.
"Well who's fault is that?" Fluttershy asked, almost playfully. I chuckled a bit.
"All right, fair enough," I said. I leaned back against the seat and grimaced. "No support for my back..."
"We don't get a lot of humans, you know," Rarity joked nearby. "Still, we're going to a royal wedding! The bandage will just make you look more..." And here Rarity smirked, "fearsome."
"Nopony's going to let that go, are they?" I sighed.
"What, that the mere mention of humans makes dragons flee in terror?" Rainbow Dash asked with a bright grin. "That's awesome! I bet Princess Celestia will think that’s awesome!”
"Ah never get tired of hearing that part," Applejack said with a grin. "Also, you hangin' out a balloon all the way back to Ponyville!"
"Yeah, try living it," I sighed. "Who do I look like, James Bond?"
"Who?" Asked Rainbow Dash. I groaned and rubbed my cheeks.
I had to stop doing that.
"One day, these pop culture references will make sense," Pinkie Pie consoled me, patting my shoulder as though she had read my mind. I actually smiled at her.
“You think so?” I asked. Pinkie shrugged.
"Or they'll be completely out of date and make you feel old!"
I stopped smiling at her.
"Like he needed more reason to fret over his gray hairs," snarked Rainbow Dash.
"Silver hairs, thank you," said I, feigning I was hurt. "It's a sign of immense dignity among my species... And solar radiation exposure."
"Since we only have your word for it, I guess we'll have to take it," Applejack laughed.
"Or we could ask Princess Celestia to tone it down for your follicles," Rarity added. The mares all laughed, and soon I joined them after dropping my stern expression. One voice, however, was conspicuously absent. I looked down the train car and frowned as I saw Twilight staring out the window. She’d been quiet since she’d gotten the news, but I just chalked it up to her focusing on the issue of the royal wedding. She’d been asked to help plan it, and she’d thrown herself into it.
I looked to Applejack, who gestured to Twilight with her head. I nodded, and got up. Not all the way-I'd learned my lesson after the first time and I didn't need another wound on my head.
I sat down next to Twilight, trying to look as nonchalant as possible.
"So..."
Twilight sighed. Yeah, I wasn’t good at being nonchalant.
"You feelin' all right, sugarcube?" Applejack asked, sitting on Twilight's other side. "Ya don't seem too happy to be goin' to yer brother's wedding."
I sighed. Why did she get away with not having any tact? It was so not fair.
"It's just been so long since I spoke with him, and he didn't even tell me himself... I don't even know who he's marrying!" Twilight protested, rubbing her hoof over her head. "He's my big brother, we did everything together and then he drops this on me?"
"Aw shucks Twilight, ah'm sure he meant to," Applejack consoled. "Besides, ain't he a Royal Guard? Really busy?"
"Captain of the Royal Guards," Rarity sighed, holding a hoof over her heart. "Truly, this is a loss for mares everywhere."
"You didn't mention him during the Gala, ya know," Dash said. Rarity snorted.
"I was a bit distracted," she said. She scowled at Dash’s smug expression. “And I wasn’t the only one!”
"Point is," I said, "being a Royal Guard, he's probably been really busy what with, ya know... Discord and everything."
"I'm still able to write to him!" Twilight protested. She pouted. "I want to be happy, but..."
"I-I'm sure he'll have a good reason for it," Fluttershy said, smiling warmly at Twilight. I nodded.
"Yeah. And if not, you can make him feel really guilty over it."
"Oh yeah!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. "If there's anybody who can make ponies feel guilty, it's us!" She pranced in front of us and widened her eyes to disturbing proportions as she cried. "Wh-Why couldn't you tell me, Shining Armor? Aren't you m-my big brotherrrr?"
"You said guilt. That's not guilt. That's nightmare fuel," I said flatly. Pinkie Pie huffed.
"Maybe to you."
"And besides, it's not like you won't have a surprise for him, too," Rarity said with a smile and waggle of her eyebrows. Twilight blinked a few times, and her eyes widened as she looked at me. I blinked back, and then let out a nervous laugh.
"Well... Come on! It's not like Twilight wouldn't have told her big brother... Uh..."
"And my family," Twilight said in quiet horror.
"That she was dating a human and another mare?" Dash asked. The blue pegasus covered her mouth to choke back her laughter. "Ohhh man! This is going to be great!"
"... When did you have that scheduled?" I asked flatly. Twilight coughed.
"I um... Er... Well, this was so sudden and I hadn't come up with a proper way to, um, fully inform them-"
"M-M-Maybe I could tell them...?" Fluttershy suggested. "I-I mean, I don't want to... In fact I can think of a lot of things I'd rather do instead, but um... Well... Oh dear..."
"Great," I sighed. "Already this is shaping up to be a fantastic outing."
"Now now, I'm sure Twilight's family and sister-in-law-to-be are very understanding ponies," Rarity consoled. "Nothing to worry about darling! What could possibly go wrong?"
I groaned and buried my face in my palms.
I don’t care what planet you’re on, you never say that. Ever.
- - - - - -
Canterlot. Seat of Equestrian government. The place looked like Gondor high on whimsy-The city was built into the side of a mountain that overlooked the valley Ponyville was situated in. I swore I could see towers from what seemed like every Disney castle ever. Bluebirds were flying around, as heavily armed and armored Pegasi flew in formation overhead. I frowned as I noticed something else... A pink haze around the entire city.
“A forcefield?” Twilight asked with a frown. “Why is there a forcefield around the city?”
“You guys have forcefields?” I asked. “How the hell does that work?”
“What? Don’t you?” Asked Rarity. “Forcefields?”
“No,” I said.
“Maybe you could explain how it works? Um, I mean, if you wanted to,” Fluttershy said. At Pinkie Pie’s look, Fluttershy gulped. Twilight frowned.
“Well, it’s not that difficult... You use the same equations for an expanding gas to express it as a kinetic field... That’s not the point!” Twilight shook her head, looking concerned. “Why is there such a huge force field over Canterlot?”
“Yeah! It’s not like Canterlot’s been attacked by supreme, reality bending entities in recent memory!” Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. We all gave her a flat expression, which she blinked at. “What?”
“Ah can’t tell when yer serious or not,” Applejack sighed.
“Me neither! Seems to make life easier,” Pinkie Pie said cheerfully.
“Still, it seems a bit excessive,” Twilight said. “Who is my brother marrying?”
“Maybe he’s marrying one of the Princesses!” Suggested Rarity. She laughed and clapped her hooves together. “Oh, isn’t that wonderful Twilight, Andrew and Fluttershy? You’ll be directly related to Princess Celestia and Luna!”
“Ah? How will we be related to-Oh my! W-We’re not, we didn’t, we haven’t...!” Fluttershy began to hyperventilate. I sighed and rubbed her head.
“I’m pretty sure he’s not getting married to one of the two Princesses. That’s probably something that makes the news,” I said wryly. “This is probably just excessive security precautions after, ya know, near end of the world. Only natural.”
“Has that happened to you a lot?” Dash asked.
“Not in recent memory,” I admitted. “Though a giant asteroid may have threatened to annihilate my species. Or that was a movie, it’s all kind of running together now.”
You’d be surprised at how fuzzy your memory gets without the Internet to check your facts on.
- - - - - - -
At the train station, we got out and were greeted by several official looking pegasus guards. Twilight stepped forward and offered a smile as steam wafted from the engine ahead, covering the platform. The forcefield glowed overhead, which threw off my internal clock a bit-It was like it was sunrise or sunset again.
"Hello Galland."
"Hello Miss Sparkle," he said. "Sorry for the security measures, but given everything that's happened..."
"I understand completely," Twilight said with a smile.
"Good," Galland said. "So you can understand that we're going to have to do security scans on all of you."
"What?!" Cried everypony.
"We have saved the world twice! This should not get old!" Dash cried.
"Ain't this a bit extreme? Ah mean, you know us," Applejack said.
"Yes! You watch Applejack's flanks all the time, Galland. You really should know her well enough by now," Rarity said with a little smirk. Both Galland and Applejack blushed, but the guard recovered first. He cleared his throat.
"Given everything that has happened, we're just not going to take any chances," he said. "So, if you will trot between these two unicorns?"
"Exactly what are we going to carry? We're not wearing anything," Dash pointed out.
Galland then looked pointedly at me. I looked over my shoulder, and then back. The mares all stared at me. I grumbled.
"Great. It's just like home," I said with a scowl.
"Sorry Andrew," Twilight said. "But uh..."
"Right, right," I said. I sighed and rolled my shoulders. "Okay... So, do I just walk between them or what?"
"Yes sir, just walk between the unicorns," Galland said with a nod.
"Surely we could go first, just to hurry this up?" Rarity suggested. "I mean, Andrew should be above suspicion... Like all of us."
"Really taking this seriously, ah note," Applejack said.
"As a small business owner, I am all about the precepts of liberty," Rarity sniffed.
I decided to just nip this in the bud. Pony politics are about as bad as human politics, and about as fun to discuss. So, I walked between the two smiling unicorns... And their horns began to bleep.
Galland raised his eyebrows. "Sir, please step back."
I sighed, and stepped back. "All right, what do I do?"
"Please remove any metal or magical artifacts, sir," Galland said. "Starting with the coat."
"The coat isn't magic," I said.
"No, but it's concealing your body and allowing you to hide things," he said.
"Ooh, peep show!" Pinkie cried happily. "Should I get some bits out?"
"Take it off! Take it off!" Dash whooped.
Applejack wolf whistled as Twilight and Fluttershy blushed. I rubbed the top of my head and pulled off my blue duster, placing it on a nearby table.
"It's stuff like this that fuels those stories about me having a harem, you know," I said. Galland eyed me, as Twilight groaned.
"Andrew!"
"Sir, please remove your guns," Galland said.
"Oh! Oh, right, sorry," I said, shaking my head. I pulled the revolver from the holster and set it down on the table. I then unstrapped the small sawed off shotgun I'd managed to build with Smokestack's help.
"And the magic bellows," Galland said.
I pulled it from my back and set it down on the table. Fluttershy trotted up and stared in disbelief.
"Why did you bring all this with you?"
"Well..." I began.
"Honestly, you're armed like you're going to take over Canterlot," Applejack observed.
“You didn’t take the dragon slayer thing too seriously, did you?” Asked Rarity. “Though I will admit, ‘Andrew Shepherd, Scourge of the Dragons’ is quite attractive.”
She bit her lower lip, and I managed to keep myself from blushing. If Rarity was a human, she could rule the world. I swear to God.
“Yes, I have to admit, it is um... Kind of nice,” Fluttershy said, her cheeks red.
“You’re being hunted by dragons?” Galland asked.
"No, no! It's that goddamn Manticore, that's what it is," I said flatly.
"A Manticore, sir?" Galland asked.
"He's been attacked by a manticore a few times," Twilight explained to the guard.
"More like I'm being stalked by a manticore," I said, as I pulled one of my single shot pistols from my belt. The other two went onto the table too, as did my knife. "The goddamn thing is-"
"He seems to like hunting him," Fluttershy explained quickly. "He told me himself that he respects Andrew as a mighty foe and enjoys fighting him."
"What?!" I gasped. "When-When did you talk to the manticore hunting me? When?!"
"Well, you're not over at my home every night," Fluttershy said. At the looks from the guards, she blushed brightly. "I-I didn't mean it like that! We're not-That is-!"
"It's all right!" Said one of the friendly female unicorns. "I totally support your cross species, polyamorous relationships!"
"I'm kind of jealous," said the blue toned unicorn with a lyre on her rump. I avoided her gaze and sighed.
"Sir, go ahead through again," Galland said. I nodded and stepped between the unicorns. Their horns bleeped. I glared at Galland.
"Oh come on!"
"Sir, please remove any other metal on your person," he said.
I sighed, rummaged in my pockets... Pulled out some gold coins and put it on the table.
"Right, go right on sir," Galland said.
I did so...
Bleep bleep bleep!
“So, what is this?” Galland asked, poking my belt. My cheeks turned bright red as the blue unicorn’s telekinesis pulled out... A riding crop.
“Oh my,” Rarity gasped.
Dash rolled onto her back and laughed her bottom off. Pinkie was right alongside her. Applejack was trying very hard not to laugh. Twilight was working on turning invisible, and Fluttershy had fainted.
“Uh... I’m going to have to report this,” Galland said slowly.
I sighed and I facepalmed. This was going to be a long day...
- - - - - -
Well, so far I haven’t been hurt. This just means it’s going to get even worse.
And yeah, I know it’s been a long time. Let’s just say Real Life is kicking my ass but I am fighting back. I’m just in my... The part of Dark Knight Rises when Bruce Wayne is in the prison. And Twilight Sparkle like punches my spine so I can rise and... You know what, forget that. All those unfortunate implications...