Chapter 3: Back In The Saddle
“The interpretation of dreams is the royal road to a knowledge of the unconscious activities of the mind.”
Sigmund Freud
My eyes shot open, but all I saw was a bright, colourful blur. Was I still drunk? I clamped my eyes closed. Being drunk usually doesn’t hurt this bad. I tried to move, gasping out in sudden pain.
"Take it easy, buddy!” the voice said. I forced my eyes open and focused on the approaching purple blur. “Thank Celestia, he’s okay!” it said. My vision cleared enough for me to identify the blur as Berry Punch.
“Holy fucking shitballs!” I cried a second time, sitting up and sending a flash of pain down my side. “Fuck!” I shouted, unable to catch the swear, and in too much pain to really give a shit.
Berry backed away a little, confused by the foreign words, as I tried to bring myself under control.
Somehow, I was back!
And maybe I could stay long this time, as long as I kept calm and nothing huge fell on me.
“Twilight, Fluttershy, get in here, he’s awake!” Berry said, just as I was almost stable.
I looked at my dark red hooves, trying not to think about the two ponies that would be entering the room any second. Cool it, man! I know this is fucking awesome and all, but you’re going to have to do some quick thinking, so CHILL! Brain was right; I tried to think of what I was going to say as Berry stared at me worriedly.
Then, they walked in and I had to stifle an excited squeal (sometimes, my manliness amazes even me).
“Oh, I’m so relieved!” Fluttershy said as she gently floated to my bedside and I gawked at her wings like an idiot, bitter all over again for not having any myself, “I just knew you’d pull through! How are you feeling?” she asked with genuine concern.
I continued gawking, my eyes shifting between the one yellow and two purple ponies around me, then checking my back and forehead for good measure. They’re waiting… Brain reminded me. “Oh! Umm… I’m okay, I guess… my sides hurt thought.” I stammered, still overwhelmed.
“You should consider yourself lucky there was no permanent damage.” Twilight said, eyeing me up and down warily, “What in Celestia's name were you thinking, attacking a full grown Jackalope like that?”
I don’t think she likes me very much.
“Relax Twi, I already told you, he saved my life!” Berry shot back, still shaken from the whole experience.
Twilight looked away and Berry turned back to me, “Thank you so much by the way! I was so worried about you; I ran and got help as fast as I could! You are my hero, Mr… umm what did you say your name was?” Everybody –I mean pony, damn I gotta get used to this all over- leaned in close.
Okay Jon, I thought, you didn’t watch all that Whose Line for nothing.
“Actually, I don’t think I got the chance.” I improvised. I had the perfect name, and Sandra to thank for it. “My name is Night Cap, though my friends call me Cap.” I smiled, then winched as I found it somehow hurt even to do that.
“Thank you, Cap!” Berry said, locking me in the most painful hug I’ve ever had. I prayed I wouldn’t wake up from shock as I fought back tears.
“No…p..problem…” I managed between gasps (SO MANLY.)
Mercifully, she let go, “These are my friends from town, Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle.”
I nodded, pretending I hadn’t known who they were for the last 2 years. “Nice to meet you both!” I grinned sincerely. Meeting Berry Punch was awesome, but meeting part of the mane six was fucking awesome! At least it would have been if Twilight wasn’t all twenty questions.
“So where are you from ‘Night Cap’? And why were you wandering around the Everfree Forest alone?” Twilight demanded.
“Please, Twilight, he’s hurt! And he saved Berry’s life!” Fluttershy said quietly. Twilight shot her a look, “I mean, if you wouldn’t mind…” she whispered.
I quickly diffused the situation, “It’s okay, Fluttershy, (Eeeeee I just addressed Fluttershy!!!) I know how it looks.” I had a lot of back-story to come up with, but luckily I’m a pretty good liar. Not that I enjoy lying to people (or ponies) but like I said, I watch a lot of Whose Line Is It Anyway.
“I was on my way to Ponyville from…Manehattan (pulled that one right out of my ass, hope I don’t regret it) I must be terrible at reading maps, though, because I found a big, dark forest where I thought Ponyville would be.” They were all listening intently, even Twilight. Colin Mochrie would have been proud.
I continued the story, completely making it up as I went. “I sat down to consult my map... and just as I realized I was sitting outside the dreaded Everfree Forest, something attacked me from behind and I passed out, waking up in a field shortly before finding Berry.” They say the best lies are based on some truth, and I could tell it was working. Now a little sympathy and I should be home-free. I rubbed my face with a hoof. “Whatever it was, it took everything I had.” I said with a heavy sigh, “My bits, my saddle-bags, everything.” I paused for effect, letting it sink in.
It worked like a fucking charm.
“Oh, you poor thing!” Fluttershy was almost crying. She ran up and gave me the second most painful hug I’ve ever had. Berry was also moved by my (imaginary) plight.
“See Twilight? I told you he was a hero!”
Unfortunately, the unicorn seemed less convinced. “If he’s from Manehattan, why doesn’t he have an accent?” Damn, another bright lady I thought as the others turned to me for an explanation.
I almost panicked, but quickly came up with an answer. “I wasn’t born there. My parents and I moved in when I was a... when I was young (I couldn’t bring myself to say 'colt' out of fear I’d start giggling like a maniac) I made sure never to pick up that shi- that awful accent.”
I could tell she still wasn’t convinced, but Berry saved me from further interrogation. “Wow, well, thanks again for helping me, Cap. I’m so sorry you lost all your stuff... Do you need a place to stay in town?” I stopped sweating and breathed a silent sigh of relief.
“I suppose I do, at least until I can make a few bits.” May as well plan ahead, I could be staying for awhile (hopefully!)
“I have a spare room! You can stay with me and Pina!” She said excitedly.
Fluttershy clapped her hooves toghether, “Oh, that’s perfect! I feel safer already having a hero in town!” she said, causing me to blush. I’m really not used to this kind of attention. Good thing I was done lying for now, I could feel my awkwardness levels rising and it was only a matter of time until I did or said something stupid.
“Well, sounds like you girls have everything under control.” Twilight said with a distinct note of sarcasm, “Guess I’ll be going.” Her horn lit up and the door swung open (MAGIC! I’M SO JEALOUS!)
“Say hi to Spike for me!” I blurted.
Twilight stopped in her tracks, her magic aura disappearing. I instantly realized the stupidity of what I just said.
“How do you know Spike?” She asked, turning around and glaring at me.
“Oh….umm, well” Shit shit shit shit. There was no way I could tell the truth, they would think I’m nuts! But how else would I know? Wait, of course!
“I do read the newspaper, Ms. Sparkle. Didn’t he go on a disastrous rampage through the town or something?”
Twilight scrunched up her face like she'd bitten into a lime, “Well, yes…but I didn’t… It wasn't my...” She stammered looking for a reply. Sorry Twi, but I got your number! She turned and stormed out with a huff.
Despite my victory, I felt bad playing her like I had, and it must have shown.
“Don’t worry, Cap.” Fluttershy said, closing the door gently. “She’s been a teensy bit suspicious of strangers ever since the wedding.”
Well, that made perfect sense. Twilight was suspicious because she thought I could be a Changeling in disguise, not a human dreaming.
...But, I was dreaming! I had almost forgotten again, everything was so realistic (even the talking ponies seemed real). Still, as long as I was here, it would be a good idea to make a good impression, if not for my own sake, than for my species. I promised myself I’d make it up to Twilight later, assuming I could.
“So Cap! What are you going to do now?” Berry asked. I refocused on the present and though for a moment. Then my stomach growled almost as loud as the charging jackalope.
Berry giggled and Fluttershy blushed a bit. “Well, assuming I can stand, some food would be fucki- I mean, food would be great!” I said, catching the swear this time. Good impressions!
Berry finished laughing and said “I know a great place in town! I can even show you around before I have to pick up Pina from school!”
My gut answered for me by growling again. “Sounds like a plan! Care to join us Fluttershy?” She looked down and pawed the ground with a hoof (hoofed the ground? Man, I have a lot of local dialect to pick up)
“Thanks for the offer Cap, but I have to tend to the animals. I fell behind a little when I was looking after you…” her adorableness was infectious! I suddenly felt horrible for getting crushed an taking up her precious time.
“Thanks for that, by the way!” I grinned, slowly hoisting myself off Fluttershy's sofa and easing myself to my hooves. I could tell my ribs were bruised, but luckily nothing was broken. Well, nothing but my pride.
I stood shakily, and smiled at the two mares. “Piece of…err…cake.” My head felt like a balloon ready to burst and make a big mess of blood-splattered grey matter. Oh, the rewards of being a hero.
“Ha, we’re not at Sugarcube Corner yet!” Berry laughed. My eyes lit up and my pain all but vanished. I knew where we were going, and who I was likely about to meet. This dream was about to get very interesting.
My stomach growled with renewed vigor, reminding me of my hunger (I wonder if I can starve here? Probably best not to find out.) “Let’s go before I pass out!” I smirked. We said our goodbyes to Fluttershy and I took my first steps into Ponyville.
Like every fanfiction I've ever read, the sun was high in a bright blue sky and a cool breeze was breezing. I could hear various animals from around the house as Berry and I crossed the small bridge in front of the cottage and headed for town. I was once again swept away at the intricate details of the dream. I instinctively checked my watch, remembering that I didn't have one and wondered if it would even work here. Usually, when you check a clock in a dream, the numbers are inconsistent or unreadable, but time was definitely flowing at a normal rate, and everything was so real. Maybe time actually flows normally here.
That would mean this dream really is else. A whole nother animal.
“So, you’re like a space cadet, huh?” Berry said. Once again, I had drifted off into my own little world (heh, I must be pretty good at that) and I was completely ignoring her.
“Oh! I’m sorry, Berry, I was lost in thought there.” I smiled and gave her my full attention.
“No problem! I just wanted to ask you about that word you used back there.” She said, waving a hoof in the general direction of the cottage.
“Hmm? What word?” I said before I could think.
“I think it was ‘fuck’?”
Oh sweet Celestia, what have I done. I was laughing my ass off on the inside at the incongruity of a pony swearing, but then the innocence-destroying reality set in and I knew I had to nip this in the bud.
“Oh, that word... listen Berry, I’m sorry I ever said that. Where I come from, that’s an inappropriate word. I have a bad habit of using it a little too often, but you really shouldn’t say it out loud. You understand?”
Her face said she didn’t, but she nodded anyway. “Sure thing, Cap.” We walked in silence a little. “What about that other one..’shit’?”
I failed to contain the laugh this time and giggled a little. This must be what Discord feels like when he's fucking with these innocent little horses. “Also bad. Please don’t say them to anyone else, okay?” I was trying to sounds serious, but that's hard to do where you're grinning like an idiot.
We soon came up on what looked like apple trees fenced off to the side of the dirt road. My pulse quickened as I asked, already knowing the answer, “Is this... Sweet Apple Acres?” I was looking around in the trees for a glimpse of orange.
“Yeah! You’ve heard of it in Manehattan?” Berry asked back, making things very easy for me.
“Of course! Best apples in Equestria! I’d love to try some!” I said, my stomach agreeing.
“Well, Applejack is usually in town around this time, you can get some from her cart!” Berry said cheerfully.
I hopped with joy, stopping after my ribs told me to cut that shit out. If I get to meet all the mane six ponies today, i think my heart might explode.
It would be entirely worth it.
We entered the town proper shortly after. It was mid-afternoon (or so I assumed, no watch and all) and my jaw dropped at the number of ponies around. There were dozens of them, all going about their daily business, all acting independently or interacting with one another. I took it all in, trying to pick out ponies I knew.
Right away, I spotted Bon Bon; she was alone, buying potatoes from Carrot Top. Lyra was eating a sandwich sitting in her trademarked human pose. I even saw Derpy fly over head with her mailbag (grrrr... flying. I'm not bitter....) I was in PONYVILLE!! And it was alive and vibrant. I couldn’t help but gawk like some dumb yokel.
“Is our small town amusing to you, Mr. Big City?” Berry teased, pulling me from my thoughts yet again.
“Amusing, yes, but not in the way you’d think. I’ve lived in a city pretty much my whole life, it’s great to be reminded how... unnatural it is. This place just seems so much friendlier and open.” I was barely lying now.
With a slight shrug, Berry smiled back, “Relax, I meant nothing by it. Come on, I think I see Applejack.” She trotted off to a small cart loaded with apples, and an orange, hat-wearing pony behind it.
I galloped after her, my heart beating a mile a minute. Applejack is my favorite pony. She is BEST PONY. And here I was, about to meet her. Best. Dream. EVER! I overtook Berry less than halfway there and raced up to the chart.
Applejack turned to look at me, caught off guard by my speedy approach. “Well, hey there sugarcube... uhhh... Where’s the fire?” She smiled while I took a moment to do some more gawking.
Ha! Classic Applejack! Wait, I’m being awkward again, laugh before it’s too late. I laughed (a little too loud and a little too late) as Berry finally caught up. Have I mentioned that I am not socially retarded?
“No fair! I can’t... huff... compete with those... huff... long legs of yours!” She panted.
“Howdy Berry Punch! This here ah friends ah yours?” AJ asked. Ha! Classic Applejack! STOP IT! Introduction time.
“This is Night Cap! He's the one who saved my life yesterday!” Berry said after catching her breath.
“Ah heard about that! You know Berry, you really shouldn’t drink so much...” Ha! Classic Applej- FOR FUCK’S SAKE!
The face Berry made in response was something like a zombie crossed with a high cat. It didn't take a social retard to know she'd likely been told that a millions times before. “Right... anyway, Cap is new in town and would love some of your delicious apples!”
Instantly, Applejack’s expressions shifted from concerned friend to business owner, “Well why didn’t ya say so?” she asked me directly. Actually, I still hadn’t said anything....“It’s 10 bit’s ah bushel, Hero!”
I took the opportunity to speak before Berry could recite my phoney sob-story for me “A-actually, I... can’t really afford a bushel... Or anything really. I was attacked outside the Everfree Forest and lost all my bits.” I said to her (to fucking APPLEJACK! AAAAHHHHH) Maybe if I wasn't so excited, I would have noticed the horrible atrocity I was committing; lying to the Element of Honesty. And best pony, no less! I'm surprised I wasn't smited on the spot.
“No foolin’? Well, have one on me, call it a hero’s discount.” Applejack said, reching into one of her wood buckets and tossing a bright red apple my way
I reached out a hoof to grab the flying fruit, only to have it bounce off and fall to the ground. Wooooooow I have no fingers... I stared at my hoof, taking in this revelation for the first time. I suddenly felt the need to crack my knuckles, pick my nose, and scratch my balls. A most unpleasant mix of finger-related impulses.
The other two looked at me in confusion (not for the first or last time.) Then Applejack (bless her southern drawl) laughed and said “Heh, nice catch, sugarcube.”
I returned the laugh (quieter this time) and walked over to the fallen fruit, not entirely sure how I would lift it. I reached out with my hoof and prodded the apple. I could feel it through the hard surface at the end of my foreleg, but how do I grab it? In the show, they would just touch it, and it would somehow stick, so I tried that. I lifted the hoof and the apple lifted with it.
A wave of happiness washed over me. I looked at the others with a huge smile, and was meet with two ponies who looked like they thought I was retarded.
“That... Jackalope must ah fallen on you pretty hard, huh?” Applejack said, confirming my suspicions.
I blushed a little under my red fur, “Heh, yeah... Thanks for the apple!” I bit into the fruit and my mouth exploded in a flavour orgasm. It was the best apple I had ever eaten.
“This is the best apple I’ve ever eaten!” I said with a full mouth. Now it was Applejack’s turn to blush.
“Well, thank you kindly, Cap.” She said my pony name squeeeeee! I finished the apple in 3 bites, core and all. Screw manners, I'm a goddamn horse.
“We’re going to Sugarcube corner, care to join us?” Berry asked my favourite farmer.
Applejack lifted an eyebrow, “Ya'll are going ta Sugarcube corner?” Berry nodded, “And ya say he’s new in town?” I nodded this time, starting to figure out where she was going.
“Something tells me I’ll be seeing ya’ll... later.” She said, giving me a wink and almost sending me to the ER for heart palpitations.
“Ooooh, right!" Berry said, winking back with all the subtlety of an invading army, "Well, I’m showing Cap around town, so I guess we'll... see you ‘later’.” She did it right in front of me, and still I don’t know how she made air quotes without fingers. I suppose that’s just another thing I’ll have to learn here.
We left Applejack’s cart and Berry lead me through Ponyville. She showed me some places I knew from the show and a few I didn’t, like the post office and local tavern (no surprises there. I made a joke about a horse walking into a bar, but I don't think she got it.) before we finally arrived at Sugarcube Corner.
Eating the apple had only reminded me of how hungry I really was. I was pretty much drooling when we got there, but just as we were about to enter, a white unicorn trotted out in a flustered hurry. She had pink frosting all over her stunning purple mane. “It’s quite alright Pinkie! I’ll just go clean up and...” Rarity froze when she saw us.
“Heya Rarity! Did Pinkie drop a cake on you or something?” Berry said with a laugh. A large glob slid off Rarity's shell-shocked face as she took a moment to regain her composure.
She stood up straight and cleared her throat, “No, actually, it was... just frosting this time. I don’t know how I put up with that pony sometimes, with her crazy antics and complete lack of...” Then her eyes fell on me, “Oh, where are my manners, here I am rambling without offering an introduction to a stranger.”
Heh, I could learn a thing or two from this one.
“I am Rarity, I run the Carousel Boutique here in town.” she said with a flourish.
I returned the gesture with a bow. Something that was very difficult on four legs, “Nice to meet you! I’m Night Cap, but my friends call me Cap.” (Ha, no they don’t, just you dream ponies.)
“Well Mr. Cap, I can tell you are new in town, so let me give you a little warning.” Rarity trotted up close to me and looked me dead in the eyes.
“Pinkie Pie. Is. CRAZY.” She whispered with increasing volume and proximity.
I could tell she was only half joking, and I guess I knew where she was coming from... but geez, ever hear of personal space? "I’ll keep that in mind.” I said nervously.
“You would be wise to do so." She backed off a little, not because she sensed my discomfort, I think she's just overly dramatic. What a shocker. "Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need a shower. NOW.” And with that, Rarity ran off, leaving a trail of dust in her manic wake. We stared in awe for a second.
“Well, let’s go in!” Berry said. Gotta admire her resolve.
We entered the gingerbread-like establishment and the smell of all things sweet and delicious filled my nostrils. There were a few ponies sitting around, enjoying their sugar-filled treats. My mouth was fully watering now as I watched a white pegasus lift a spoonful of ice cream to her muzzle. God, I hope ponies can't get diabetes. Or... dream diabetes. Right, I'm still dreaming. Gotta remember that...
“Don’t worry Mrs. Cake! I’ll clean it up in a jiffy! I promise it won’t happen again! ...This week.” I tore my attention from the ice cream and my brief reality check to meet the blue eyes of a very pink pony. Her pupils dilated and her face went blank. A smile crossed my face as I watched the gears turning in her head.
Berry must have picked up on it too, cause she waltz up and asked, “Hey Pinkie Pie! How’s it going?”
Pinkie didn’t respond. She was staring at me with her mouth agape, then she slowly lifted a hoof in my direction. “Is...is he...” Here it comes...
“New in town? Why yes, I am. Name’s Night Cap.” I extended a hoof to shake. She stared at it like it was completely alien (Heh, actually I guess I kinda was) Then it clicked.
Literally.
I swear I heard a fucking click.
Pinkie jumped ten feet into the air and let out a high pitched squeal. Then, without returning to the floor, she zipped out of the place with speed that would impress a cheetah.
“You have no idea what you just got yourself into.” Berry said, laughing.
We placed our order with Mr. Cake (Mrs. Cake was busy cleaning up a pile of frosting and grumbling to herself.) I’m a pretty slim guy (and, by extension, pony) but that didn’t stop me from eating the biggest funnel cake I had ever seen in under five minutes. I couldn’t tell if Berry was impressed or grossed out (probably the latter).
When we left Sugarcube Corner, my walking speed had been noticeably reduced. “Thanks again for the funnel cake!” I said/burped.
“Ha, you saved my life, remember?” Berry laughed, leading me back into town, “Buying you lunch was the least I could do!”
“You’re also letting me stay at your house. I’d say that’s going above and beyond moral obligation.” She just rolled her eyes, muttering something about taking what you could get that I didn't quite catch. Just up ahead, peaking over thatched rooftops, I noticed a large tree with windows close by. “Hey, umm... What’s that tree house thing?” I asked, knowing the answer.
“Oh, that’s the Golden Oaks Library. Twilight Sparkle lives there with Spike.” Berry confirmed. Perfect.
“You don’t say... Hey, you go on to the school, I’ll meet you at your place later. I just... wanna stop by here real quick.” I said, trotting off to do what I felt I had to. I had promised myself I would, on behalf of the humans.
“Uhh... Cap?” Berry called out.
I stopped and looked back. “What?”
“You don’t know where I live...”
“Oh... right. Umm... Wher-”
“It’s a house on the other side of City Hall. Just follow the skid marks.” She said before I could finish.
I was confused for a second, then remembered the whole Big Mac/ Cheerilee incident. It's weird, knowing all this stuff about somewhere you've never been. Like spending too much time on Google Maps before going to a new part of the city.
“Gotcha, see you later!” I trotted up to the library, leaving Berry to pick up her sister (and warn her of their odd new tenant.)
I took a few deep breaths, then I knocked on the sectioned door with a hoof. Soon after, it swung open and a small, purple dragon stood before me. “Umm... Yes?” Spike said.
I smiled. I am a fan of Spike’s antics, especially when mustaches are involved.
“Hey there champ, I’m new in town. My name is Night Cap, but my friends call me Cap.” The introduction was becoming easier and more natural with repetition. Stilll a dream though, I reminded myself, “Is Twilight Sparkle around? I was hoping to talk with her.”
Spike eyed me up and down with a raised eyebrow, “Yeah... she’s here. Come on in, I guess.”
I entered the musty library and took in the captivating smell of hundreds of old books. I wondered if my subconscious could possibly fill each one with content, and if so, how much of it would be poop jokes. I know my subconscious pretty well.
“Hey Twilight! Somepony is here to see you.” Spike shouted up to the second level of the library/living space.
“Really? I wasn’t expecting any...” Twilight emerged at the top of the staircase and looked down at me. I waved sheepishly. “Visitors.” The look of surprise on her face was quickly replaced by one of animosity. "...Spike? Would you please go to the basement and find me a jar of... dihydrogen monoxide?"
"But... it's dark down there!" Spike replied, not getting the real intent of the mundane request.
Twilight fixed him with a stern glare and his resolve shattered, "Okay, okay. I'm going." The little dragon sulked over to another door and disappeared into the lower level of the tree. A violet shimmer encased the door and it swung shut.
I shifted awkwardly, "Uhh, isn't dihydrogen monoxide... water?" What? I remember parts of high school.
“What are you doing here?” Twilight demanded, her features rigid and unamused.
“Umm... actually...” I said, amazed at how intimidating a purple unicorn could be, “I came here to apologize to you.”
Not what she had expected, apparently. Her expression lightened slightly, then turned back to stone. “Oh really? And why would you do that?”
I took a tentative step towards the stairs, as if I was literally walking on eggshells, as opposed to figuratively, “Because I was being jerky. Sometimes, when I’m nervous, I say things that come out a lot meaner than I intended.” That bit is actually true, but thank Celestia I’m Canadian; apologies are like second nature to me, no lying required. “You have every right to be suspicious of me, especially after what happened at the wedding.”
The scowl subsided to surprise and didn’t return this time. Twilight took a few steps down into the main room, “You know about the wedding? Did you read that in the paper too?” She asked with only a hint of sarcasm.
“Yes. Also Fluttershy told me.” I joked, earning a chuckle a little as she descended.
“Of course she did. Look, I know I have no reason not to believe you, but I can’t shake off this feeling.” Twilight stopped walking, about halfway down the stairs now, “You see, I’m picking up a strange magical vibe from you, unlike any pony I've ever met before.”
“You... Really?” Uh-oh, this could be bad. “That’s news to me. I didn’t even know I had ‘magical vibes’” Could she see through me? What would it mean if she could?
“All ponies have a kind of magic in them, be they earth ponies, pegasai or unicorns. When I first saw you lying unconscious in Fluttershy’s cabin, I sensed something off and... well...“ She sighed heavily and looked at the floor. “I just wanted to protect my friends.”
A moment passed, and I guess since I didn't burst into maniacal laughter and start explaining my master plan to take over Equestria, Twilight continued down the steps, “What happened at my brothers wedding was awful, and if something similar were to happen here...” She trailed off, reaching my level at the bottom of the stairs but refusing to meet my eyes.
I was quiet for a moment, not sure what to say. “It’s okay Twilight...” I went with, “I assure you I’m not a changeling, or any other kind of monster in disguise.” Wow, if that isn’t the biggest lie I’ve told all day. "And I don't mean you, you're friends or anypony any harm."
Twilight giggled, “No, you are far too polite to be a monster.” Ooooooh Caaaaanadaaaa “I’m sorry I was so abrasive.”
I laughed back, “Well, I’m glad we cleared that up. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to check out any books from here.”
And with those damming words, Twilight's smile evaporated and her pupils narrowed. “You... are interested in books?”
“Uhhhh...”
I left almost an hour later with half a dozen books on my back. I struggled under the weight as I headed towards City Hall, my ribs reminding me constantly of the price of being a show-off.
“Well.. err... That went well.” I said to myself.
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” A raspy voice replied. I looked around, but saw nopony.
“Well?!” A blue pegasus landed right in front me, causing me to jump and drop my carefully stacked books. “Didn’t you hear me, egghead?”
Rainbow Dash was right in my face. I would have been ecstatic, if I wasn’t so sure she was about to kick my ass.
“I... was just talking to Twilight and...” I started.
“What? You her new coltfriend or something?” She said eyeing me accusingly.
She couldn't hold it for very long. Rainbow broke into a roaring fit of laughter after only a few seconds.
“Ha ha! Like that would ever happen!” She said wiping away a tear. “Seriously though, who the buck are you?”
I cleared my throat and introduced myself (man, I’m getting better at this already!) “I’m Night Cap! Or just Cap for short. Actually, I’m kinda Ponyville’s most recent hero.” I said smugly, thinking it might impress her.
It didn’t.
“Are you the one the Jackalope fell on?” Dash asked, wearing the biggest shit-eating grin outside of Germany.
“Uhhh...” I stammered as my ego deflated. Rainbow flapped her wings and hovered off the ground, smiling triumphantly.
“Yeah that’s what I thought. Anyway, I’m Rainbow Dash, Ponyville’s coolest hero.” She said as I began picking up the books with my teeth and loading them onto my back again. They tasted terrible.
“The pleasure’s all mine, I’m sure.” I mumbled.
“Ha, I like your style... as wimpy as it is.” She flew towards Twilight’s door, further grinding my gears, “Hey! I’ll see you at the party! Just gotta go invite Twi.”
I looked up, “Party? What party?”
“You met Pinkie, didn’t you?” Dash said as she entered the tree/library and slammed the door behind her.
I smiled to myself, picking up the last of the books. “I knew I was getting a party. A hero party.” I leered at the door, then turned to the center of town. Despite what I'd said in my fake back story, I actually have a great sense of direction. It really helps getting home after a night of drinking.
By the time I passed the round building I knew was City Hall, I had to stop for a breather. My ribs were continuously protesting the stack of books Twilight had loaded on my back. I trotted over to a nearby bench and unloaded my heavy burden, giving myself a chance to recover. I sat peacefully for a while, then curiously glanced over at the pile of books.
“Could they really all be filled with information?” I knew in a normal dream they would probably be blank, or scribbled gibberish, but this was far from a normal dream. Curiosity got the better of me, and I pulled one of them over.
“An Introduction to Cartography: Volume I” I read out loud. I flipped through a few pages, reading small excerpts and admiring the hand/hoof drawn maps on every weathered page, “This... is far more complicated than anything I could have come up with.” I said aloud. A pony walked by and gave me an odd look, which I returned with a smile.
I grabbed another book, ‘Socializing: A Guide To Meeting Others In A New Town’ This one was full of sticky notes, made by Twilight herself. They were insanely intricate and all of them canon. I found several references to events from the show, such as the time Applejack and Rarity had their slumber party and when Twilight was forced to keep a secret. It was so dorky, but just as detailed. Could all of this information really have come from my own head?
I was looking through the 5th book (a hefty tome on Everfree Forest biodiversity) and pondering my current manifestation when I was interrupted by a slightly drunk pony.
“Hey! Cap! There you are, I thought you were... hic... lost or something...” Berry said, swaying on her hooves.
“Sorry, just... spaced out again, heh heh..” I said, standing up and gathering the books. Berry tried to help, but was unable to balance... well anything.
“Did the party start without me?” I asked as we headed to her nearby abode. I could already see the grooves in the ground leading us there.
“Party? Hic...There’s no party...” She said with a wink. “Also, try to act surprised... or Pinkie will just through another one tomorrow... hic... I don’t think my house can take 2 Pinkie party’s in a row.”
We laughed as we approached the front door and I got ready to gasp. Then, before Berry could get a hoof on the doorknob (why did she have a doorknob? No fucking clue) the damn thing burst open with the force of a million suns exploding. I passed on the gasp and issued a genuine shriek, stumbling backwards and falling on my ass, casting books in all directions.
“SURPRISE!” Pinkie called from the entrance, surrounded by her friends (most of whom were laughing, especially Rainbow Dash) A small burst of confetti went off.
I gave my sore ribs a rub as I tried to catch my breath and get a grip on myself. I looked at Rarity, who shot me a look of I told you so.
“Holy fuc- I mean what the shi- h...how?” I sputtered, picking myself up off the ground. Rainbow was rolling with laughter at this point. That little c-
“Easy!" Pinkie sang. She hopped down the stairs and started speaking a mile a minute, "I heard there was a new pony in town, so I knew I was gonna throw a party, but then I heard about what happened yesterday, so I knew I’d have to throw a BIG party. Then, when you walked into Sugarcube corner, I just had to throw a big party right away! I sent out the invites, got the decorations and all I had left to do was surprise you! So were you surprised Cap? Huh? Huh!”
She was directly in front of my face at this point, eyed wide and smiling. I couldn’t help but smile back, despite the full-body surge of pain, “I sure was! Just one question... How’d you know I’d be coming to Berry's place?”
“Well, you did save her life, plus, you have no bits and Berry has that spare room, I knew you’d be staying here, duh!” Pinkie smiled smugly, moving back and giving me room to breathe.
“Wow, you’d make a fine detective.” I said, knowing she would pick up on the reference.
She waved a hoof dismissively. “Been there, done that!”
“When I got home with Pina, I was shocked to find a party was already half set up... hic...” Berry added, “now come in a have a drink or six with me!”
It was the best party I’ve ever been to, hands/hooves down. The small house was crammed full of ponies, all of them praising me and my 'heroics'. They all started giving me spare bits, and before you could say “Small Town Hospitality” I had me some good spending money.
I had a few drinks with Berry and soon enough I was drunk. I told Twilight I was sorry for dropping her books and she said I apologize too much. Applejack and I did some shots, probably the highlight of my life up to this point. Rainbow passed out early and I got Rarity to tie her hair in braids. I ate way too many cupcakes (Pinkie kept asking me what I was checking them for, but instead of saying “blood and guts” I said parasprites and she laughed.)
I felt so alive, so happy. I never wanted this amazing dream to end.
It still did though, when I passed out on the floor and the party music was replaced by overloaded trucks rumbling down my street to the nearby highway.
