Dear idiot I once knew,
I think I still hate you.
It’s a sad statement really. It’s been years since you and I were face to face, or even spoke aloud each other's names. Yet, whenever your name comes up in conversation, even if it’s really someone else, it hurts like getting punched in the gut. Whenever I see your picture in an old album, everything around me dims to darkness and I almost want to cry again as I did that night. I still don’t understand what went wrong.
We were the closest of friends you and I, we had a bond I had never felt before. The moment my eyes laid upon yours, I knew I wanted to make you smile. And I think, back then, the same could have been said for you. You were the one that drew me out of my shell. The one that swept me off my hooves and out into a world of stories and games and parties. You pulled me away from the friends in my stories and imagination. And I loved every second of it. I didn’t need Rocky to stand up for me, because you did, and I for you. I didn’t need Madam Le Flour to lift me up when I was down, because you would, and I for you.
My first real party was with you, your cutecenera. I remember you strutting around with your flank almost crudely in the air, completely innocent in your pride. When my eyes flickered with envy, you pulled me into a hug and promised me to help me find mine too. It’s almost funny how you breaking your promise fulfilled it in the end.
You and I were so close back then, and every trial we faced together. I remember when you got into your fight with your first bully. I knocked his teeth out with a buck that Applejack would be proud of. You don’t know her, I doubt you ever will… I think if you two met and I tried to introduce you, my honest feelings would come out, and you’d end up losing a tooth much like that dunce did that day… I forget what I was saying now. I’ll have to wait for my eyes to clear so I can look back and see.
The bully, yeah I remember that, do you? You were laying on the ground bawling your eyes out, scared out of your wits. You had always been the brave one, the one that laughed at horror movies and made faces at the ponies in the haunted house… And yet there you were, terrified. I swore on that day to be your guardian, and you said to me, I remember those words as if they were engraved on my heart;
“You’re the best friend I ever had.”
So why? Why did you do this to me? Why did I stop being good enough for you? I haven’t forgotten. I don’t think I ever can. That day you had looked up at me with those bright eyes I knew so well, that grin that made me feel proud to be your friend and you spoke those words with complete and unflinching honesty… So where did everything go wrong?
Months passed, and I stayed close with you. Even though my family’s farm went through rough times, and some days I was exhausted, I made sure I was always there for you. Even on the days that I had fought with my sisters and just wanted the world to burn, I always stopped to make sure you were smiling. I could have a pile of homework so high it would almost touch the ceiling, but if you were frustrated to tears and struggling with your work, I would set it all aside to help you. The day you were tricked by the boy that we both liked, and cried all day, despite the fact that I liked him too, I pranked him to get back at him for breaking your heart… And yet you just left me behind without so much as a look back.
I’ve never forgotten, not for a second, that day when I realized what I had become to you. I doubt it was anything but a Thursday afternoon for you, but for me, it was when everything fell apart. We were walking home from school, not together, we hadn’t walked together home from school since you moved across town the year before… And I spotted you with your friends. You were laughing and smiling, and I grinned from ear to ear- It had been a while since we had had the chance to talk, and I had the time to visit with you, there were no chores today, and even if there had been, I would have likely happily taken the punishment just so we could chat for a little bit.
I ran up to you and called your name. I said it with such joy and hope, and you turned towards me… But not with the look I knew. Your eyes were filled with disgust, and I could see you were barely holding in a sneer. I figured it was my imagination, and went to hug you. You took a quick step back, and I nearly fell on my face. I tried to talk to you, ask you what was wrong, but you cut me off.
“I’ll talk to you later,” you said, and when I insisted that it was important, I could see something wrong, every fiber in my being told me that I had to talk to you now, as if it was the last minute we would have together, you cut me off again, your voice a hissed snarl barely hidden under your controlled tone. “I’ll. Call. You. Later.” I didn’t have reason to doubt your words, you had never lied to me before... and I could see that I was making you upset, and that was the last thing I wanted. So I gave in, I said “Oh, okay,” my voice apologetic and my eyes hopeful and trusting. You turned your back on me and walked back to your new friends.
And then, when I know you thought I couldn’t hear, you laughed with your friends, and called me a simpleton behind my back.
I heard it. Every word, every inflection, every syllable of that laugh you shared with your precious new friends. I turned and seen that smile I knew, twisted now into something I hated. Somehow, I had ceased being good enough for you, and I still don’t know why.
Why? That question haunted me. Plagued me. It didn’t help that other ponies I clung to eventually left me behind as well. It didn’t matter how much of myself I poured into the friendship. It didn’t matter what I did, said, thought, believed, or gave. I wasn’t good enough for anypony there. Maybe it was because I had stopped being good enough even to myself. My world lost its color. And all because of those last four words you said. Would you have thought, had you known, that even after hearing that, I still waited by the phone all afternoon? Because I did. Even as my world shattered and my heart slowly fractured into pieces, some stupid part of me still believed in you. Still believed that you must have had a good explanation. Or even a bad explanation. Peer pressure? Not unheard of. A horrible evil scam gone wrong like in that movie we once watched? I would have been ticked, but I would have forgiven you for it.
I don’t think I can ever forgive you.
Never. Not for stealing my light without nary a care nor thought.
Every day hurt. Every breath hurt. Every moment I seen my sisters with their friends smiling and laughing was like a hornet sting in my throat. Rocky and Madam Le Flour returned to me, brought new ones even. They appeared in my dreams and tried to ease the pain I felt. It didn’t matter that I had abandoned them, forgotten about them, they came anyway. Somehow I hate that you created this part of me. A part of me that is surpassed even by the figments of my own imagination.
This isn’t a pity letter, hoping to make you feel guilty. Far from it. I’m writing this to thank you. And I’ll tell you why.
After you stole my world’s color, someone else brought it back. They did it as unknowingly as you had, but they did it all the same. For one day, as I was working on the farm with my family in the dull gray fields under the dull grey sky, there was a thundering boom that made the rocks dance. I looked up to see the clouds get brushed away by the most beautiful and amazing rainbow I had ever seen in my life. It was every color one could imagine, a halo of joy that left clear blue sky and golden sunlight in its wake. And upon seeing it, I remembered what happiness felt like. Every breath made my heart further lift, the thought of tomorrow brought hope of new possibilities. Seeing my sisters reminded me of sorrow yes, but instead of bringing pain, it made me want to share the joy I felt, anyway I could. So I thought and thought, and then I threw a party. It was nothing like the ones you used to throw, but I put everything I had in it. Every drop of joy, every snippet of hope, and it made my loved ones smile. It made them laugh, it made them forget their worries and pain, and that brought me even further joy. I never even noticed I had my cutie mark until the next day.
So now, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to take away others’ pain, make them forget their worries, their past betrayals, all the ones who had stabbed them in the back or left them behind, and just feel joy again. When my parents looked to retiring and my sisters began to follow their own dreams, I moved in with my Aunt and Uncle to help them with their new business. I figured helping them was just another step forward in what I wanted to do. Another relieved smile I could bring. In hindsight, I was probably just as much of a hindrance as a help, but I can still count all the smiles I brought them, so surely it still counts.
In Ponyville I found countless ponies in need of a smile. And I set out to bring one to each and every one of them. I know I was overbearing sometimes, but just by walking down the street, I will see them start to grin, and know it was all worth while. Then something happened even I couldn’t have anticipated. A unicorn I could tell was lonely, even if she didn’t want to admit it, came to Ponyville. I think I irritated her in our first meeting, but if I had of known she was Celestia’s personal student, I would have gone for something of lower calibre… And maybe not so loud… And I probably would have asked for permission before throwing that surprise party. It doesn’t matter now, she laughs about it with complete honesty, even said she wanted another one… just not in the library this time.
That wasn’t the unexpected part however. The unexpected part was the fact that we ended up saving the world together. Twice, in fact. I wonder if you heard about us that night. Did the news make it all the way back home? Did you hear about how on the night of the Summer Sun Celebration, night nearly lasted eternally, but harmony was returned by me and my friends? Or how about with Discord? I know you obviously have a selective memory, but surely you remember him. Guess who stopped him? Twilight. My best friend. Yes I helped, but to be frank it was all her. She woke us up when we were under his spell, and drew us together when we were broken and scattered. I think it was then that I realized that for the first time since you, I really had a true friend again. I’ve drove that poor mare crazy, Faust knows, and yet she seems to love me for it. There’s a pegasus I’m friends with too, and she taught me how to trust again. Rainbow Dash, my pranking buddy, and the Element of Loyalty… She’s got big dreams, and if I have anything to say about it, I’ll make sure she achieves them. Yes, there have been days I’ve doubted them, when my faith in our friendship has faded away to nothing, but in the end, they’ve always pulled through for me, without exception. No matter how much either of us screws up, the other is always there the next day, or after heads have cooled, with a sheepish grin, panicked fussing, or scared and worried eyes, determined to make things right again.
So yes, although I hate you, I’m thanking you. I’m not grateful to you, but I am glad it happened in the end. You made me stronger. If it weren’t for you, I probably would have just stayed home, never would have sought to move endlessly forward to make sure others don’t feel the pain you brought me. I can’t say I haven’t screwed up… In all my joking and jesting, caught up in the moment and games, I think I’ve hurt Luna, but she seems to have forgiven me for it. Perhaps after this I will make something for her to make up for it- If she even remembers. I think all my goofing was what caused Twilight to figure out how to help her in the end, but personally I don’t feel like that really makes up for it.
Funnily enough, even after all this… After being friends with the world’s national heroes... After being one myself… After being on a first name basis with one Princess and being on the other’s VIP list, I still can’t help but wonder…
After all this, would I be good enough for you now?