Guy Talk
Battle of the Sexes
Episode 6
“I’m Scootaloo.”
“I’m Sweetie Belle.”
“I’m Applebloom and this is Guy Talk where girls rule.” The girls all cheered at Applebloom’s proclamation even Vinyl Scratch joined in the merriment.
“Et tu, Scratch?” Spike asked the producer.
“You can’t expect me not to cheer that one, Spike.” The producer countered. Spike just shook his head and shrugged off the comment.
“That’s not how it goes, Applebloom, but it’s the basic idea. I guess I should explain about the rather odd introduction, namely that the Cutie Mark Cusaders did it and not us. If you remember the ending to our last episode, we were being chased by the Cutie Mark Crusaders for certain comments made during our last broadcast. In exchange for not kicking the tar out of us, we agreed to let them do one show.” Spike explained.
“Just to be clear, we totally could have taken them, but we don’t hit girls.” Snips spoke up.
“Really, Snips? I didn’t get that impression when you were screaming like a filly for me to not hit you.” Scootaloo responded.
“I didn’t scream like a filly! That was a karate yell. I was about to unleash a ancient technique that would have stopped any attack.”
“Oh really? Applebloom, could you give Snips a demonstration of real martial arts?” Scootaloo nodded to her friend who jumped out the chair and lounged forward at Snips with a jump kick.
“Aieeeeeeee!” Snips let out a high pitched scream and threw his hooves up over his face. Applebloom landed on the table in front of Snips. Snips opened his eyes as he realized he was not hurt.
“That’s some technique, Snips. I didn’t know being a coward was a martial art technique.”
“Y-you were lucky that you stopped. I was about to unleash a flurry of blows upon you the likes of which you‘ve never seen.” Snips slammed a hoof into the table in chopping motion.
“Yeouch!” He shouted in pain as the hardwood table made contact with his hoof. Spike just sighed loudly.
“Alright, girls. You have our show for the day. What do you want to talk about?” Spike asked.
“I don’t know what to talk about.” Applebloom admitted.
“We usually talk about people we like.” Snails said.
“Yeah, why don’t you tell us who you like Applebloom?” Spike asked.
“M-me! G-gosh, I don’t really have anypony like that.” Applebloom blushed.
“Didn’t you say you had a crush on- mmph!” Applebloom quickly covered Sweetie Belle’s mouth.
“That’s crazy talk, Sweetie Belle! She must be thinking of someone else.”
“Oh hoh! The littlest apple does have somepony she likes. You got to tell us now.” Spike rubbed his claws together devilishly.
“No, I don‘t!” The filly said looking down at her lap.
“I don’t know. You’re looking pretty guilty, AB. What do you think, guys?”
“She’s definitely hiding something.” Snails commented.
“Let’s hear it, Applebloom?” Snips asked.
“Lay off, guys. She obviously doesn’t want to talk.” Scootaloo spoke up.
“Yeah, quit being mean.” Sweetie Belle joined in.
“We’re not being mean, girls. It’s just like what Snails said earlier. We talk about who we like on this show. You wanted to come on and host the show. This is all part of the show.” Spike told them.
“If you don’t like it, you can leave and let the boys take over.” Snips bumped his hoof with Spike and Snails.
“You can’t do that. It’s not fair!” Scootaloo objected.
“I’m afraid it is. It’s our show and we make the rules.” Snails announced proudly.
“That’s not true, is it?” Sweetie Belle wondered aloud.
“Afraid so, girls. They have complete control over the booth. It’s in their contract.” Vinyl Scratch informed them.
“Aww, looks like this isn’t our special talent either.” Sweetie Belle sighed.
“Don’t worry about it, Applebloom. Let’s leave the jerks with their stupid show.” Scootaloo said before she stuck her tongue out at them. Applebloom had been quiet the whole time as she looked down, but she heard everything.
“I’ll do it.” Applebloom said looking up.
“What?!” Her friends shouted as they look at the filly.
“Applebloom, you don’t have to do this.” The pegasus told her.
“I know, but Apples aren’t cowards! That’s what Applejack always told me and I plan on seeing this through no matter what.” The filly said with newfound determination.
“Talk is cheap. Put your money where mouth is.” Spike said earning cheers from his compatriots.
“Good idea, Spike.” Applebloom said as a crazy idea popped into her head. The filly jumped on the table and walked towards Spike. Her eyes locked on the dragon’s. She stopped and looked down at Spike with a strange smile on her face.
“W-What are you doing?” Spike asked the filly who was leaning forward.
“Putting my money where my mouth is.” Applebloom whispered as she closed her eyes and planted her lips squarely on Spike’s mouth. The filly decided to go for broke as she revealed her feelings for the dragon with action instead of words. Despite everything in her mind telling not to do it, she did it anyway. Maybe it was because he had backed her into a corner and she wanted to go out swinging. Maybe it was because there probably wouldn’t be a chance to do this if she just told him. Maybe she had gone temporarily insane. Whatever the reasons, it no longer mattered now. The deed was done.
Applebloom slowly pulled back savoring the warm sensation of Spike’s lips as she broke away. She opened her eyes to see a rather shell shocked Spike sitting in his chair with his mouth slightly opened with wide open eyes. The filly couldn’t read his expression at all. She looked around to see her everyone else was in a similar state of surprise.
“What just happened?” Spike asked slowly.
“Dude, she just kissed you.” Snips informed him. Spike watched as the filly walked back to her seat and acted like it was no big deal.
“So what else do you guys do? Besides talk about people you like.” Applebloom said playfully as she looked at Spike.
“Oh! I-I think we.. Uhhh…. I know we do something else.” Spike’s mind stumbled as he tried to remember what should have been simple information.
“What’s the matter, Spike? I thought this was your show and you can’t even remember what you do.” Scootaloo said striking as his mind failed to think of anything except a soft sensation with a hint of apples. With a single kiss, the girls had swung the momentum in their favor once again.
“Look at him. He’s blushing.” Sweetie Belle pointed out. The girls giggled as Spike turned his head trying to hide his face.
“Come on, Spike. Get it together. You‘re embarrassing us.” Snips said nudging him.
“Right! She just caught me off guard.” Spike muttered.
“We answer letters from our fans, but I bet you can‘t do that.” Snails dared them.
“We can totally do that!” Scootaloo said with full confidence.
“Yeah, bring it!” Sweetie Belle shouted.
“Alright, I guess it all comes down to this one question from ru77ian. Why are Rainbow Dash’s front hooves stronger than her back hooves?”
“I don’t know the answer to that. What about you, Snails?” Snips asked.
“I didn’t even know her front hooves were stronger than her back hooves. How’s anypony supposed to know that?”
“I know. Nobody knows more about Rainbow Dash than me.” Scootaloo said proudly.
“Ummm…. Maybe Spike knows.” Snips said trying to answer before the girls could. He looked to the dragon who had spaced out. He nudged the dragon awaking him from his thoughts.
“Huh!” Spike said becoming alert at his name.
“Did you even hear the question?” Snips asked angrily.
“Yeah, it was something about Rainbow Dash’s hooves, right?”
“Is something wrong, Spike?” Applebloom asked a little worried about him.
“It’s just… that was my first kiss and it happened so fast. I don‘t know I just thought it‘d be more special.” Spike said sadly.
“Aww, shucks. I’m sorry, Spike. I guess I didn’t take into account your feelings. I was just so caught up in the moment.” Applebloom said becoming depressed.
“It’s okay, Applebloom. It was pretty nice, but it just caught me off guard. I think I’m going to need sometime to figure out how I feel about this.” Spike said placing a hand over his face.
“Of course, Spike. I understand completely. Come on, girls.” Applebloom said.
“Thanks, Applebloom. I really appreciate it.” Spike said as his voice started to break. He waved to the girls with his free hand. The studio was silent until Snails spoke up.
“Are you alright, dude?” The colt asked.
“I-I don’t know. Are they gone?” Spike asked in low whisper.
“Yeah.” Snips answered.
“Could you call someone for me, Scratch?” Spike asked as he sniffed his nose.
“Sure, I can get Twilight on the line right away.”
“Actually, I was hoping you could call the academy.”
“The academy?” Scratch said puzzled. Spike dropped his hand from his face to reveal huge smile on his face.
“Tell them I graciously accept my award for best acting.” Spike said bowing in his seat.
“What!” Snips, Snails and Vinyl Scratch shouted.
“But I thought…. Weren’t you just…” Vinyl Scratch stumbled at Spike’s sudden turnaround.
“That was just an act to get the girls to leave and it worked perfectly.” Spike said brushing his claw against his chest.
“Dude, that was awesome!” Snips said astounded.
“You’re amazing, Spike!” Snails applauded the dragon’s performance by stamping his hoof.
“I’m pretty steamed at you, but I got to admit that you had me going there for a second.” Scratch admitted.
“Well, somebody had to defend the integrity of our show. This is Guy Talk. We can’t have a bunch of girls come in and take over.”
“So were you faking the entire time or what?” Snips asked.
“I was pretty shocked at first. She really did a number on me when she kissed me out of nowhere. I have to admit that I did enjoy it a little though.”
“Well, I’m just glad we got our show back.” Snails said. As if on cue, the door of the studio was once again kicked open. Two figures stood defiantly in the doorway. One adorned in a rather expensive tiara and the other wearing designer glasses. Both of them wore smug expressions as they looked at trio.
“Think again, losers!” Diamond Tiara shouted.
“You know I’d like to do one episode where someone doesn’t bust in through the door. I mean you could have at least used the doorknob. It‘s not that hard. Grab and twist. You see what I‘m doing. It‘s not that hard.” Spike ranted as he demonstrated proper door opening procedure.
“Whatever, you can’t tell us what to do.” Silver Spoon scoffed.
“What do you two want?” Snips asked with clear disdain in his voice.
“I just wanted to let you dweebs know that you’re looking at next week’s guests.” Diamond Tiara gloated.
“No way! We decide who’s on our show and we‘d never let you two be on.” Snails shouted.
“Yeah, why don’t the two of you turn around and leave? I’d ask you not to let the door hit you on the way out, but I’d be lying if I pretended to care.” Spike quipped.
“Ha-ha, you’re so funny I forgot to laugh.” Silver Spoon responded sarcastically.
“Good, you can remember on your way out. Goodbye.” Spike said waving them off.
“Actually, he’s right, Silver Spoon. We do need their permission . That’s why their going to give it to us.” Diamond Tiara said with absolute confidence.
“Yeah right! Why would we ever let you on our show?” Snips asked.
“Does the name ‘Barnyard Bargain’ ring a bell?” Diamond Tiara asked flipping her mane back.
“Yeah, they’re one of our sponsors.” Snails answered.
“Wrong as usual, Snails. They’re your biggest sponsor.” Silver Spoon corrected him.
“And what does that have to do with anything?” Spike asked.
“My daddy owns Barnyard Bargains. One word from me and I’ll have him pull his support.” Diamond Tiara threatened.
“Big whoop! We don’t have to shill for your dad anymore what’s the big deal.” Spike said.
“Guys, I hate to say it, but without that sponsorship, we won‘t have enough ad revenue to keep the show on the air. The station will drop us like a bad habit.” Vinyl Scratch informed them.
“So if we don’t let them on the show, they’ll be no show.” Spike summed up their situation.
“Don’t worry, boys. I’d never do anything so horrible as take your show off the air. All I ask is that you let me and Silver Spoon be the special guest next week.” Diamond Tiara asked ever so sweetly.
“Fine, but why do you want to be on our show anyway?” Snips asked.
“Because you had those loser blank flanks on and everyone’s going to be talking about them next week. You guys have all sorts of famous ponies and you invite the Cutie Dork Crusaders before us. You should have asked us first.” Silver Spoon explained.
“I thought we were never to talk to you under any circumstance.” Snails reminded them.
“You still should have asked. Hmph! Come on, Silver Spoon. We should prepare for our interview. Ta ta, dweebs.” The duo laughed as they exited out the wide open door.
“At least, we got our show back for a little while.” Snails sighed.
“For like two seconds then Diamond Tiara swoops in and takes it away.” Snips said slumping on the table.
“No!” Spike shouted as he slammed his fist on the desk.
“What?” Snails looked up to see Spike looking angry.
“We can’t just give up, guys. This is our show. We can’t hang our heads when somebody takes it away from us.” Spike said taking a stand.
“What’s the point? As soon as we got our show back, it got taken away again. It’s hopeless.” Snips said in lifeless voice.
“It’s not hopeless, fellas. Guy Talk is more than just a radio show. It’s the only place we have left in this world where we can be who we are.”
“What are you talking about, Spike?” Snails asked.
“Think about it. Our lives are dominated by the opposite sex. The mayor, your teacher, my boss and even the leaders of our country are all female. We can’t be ourselves out there. In here, it’s different. We’re the ones in control. Three guys talking about what they think is important no matter what anyone else thinks. I took that for granted at first. I thought it was stupid, but I realize something today. Guy Talk isn’t about us. It’s about every guy out there who's in the exact same position, and I’ll be damned before I let a couple of spoiled rotten fillies try to push me around. If they want to be on our show, they’re going to play by our rules. This is Guy Talk where we objectify females in a society dominated them for the sake of entertainment, and I‘m not going to let a couple girls stroll in and change that! Now who‘s with me?” Spike shouted as he put a claw outward.
“Yeah, this is our show!” Snails put his hoof on top of Spike’s.
“We got to keep going, no matter what!” Snips said adding his hoof on top.
“For Guy Talk!” They all yelled as they threw their arms in the air.
“Guys, I hate to break up the moment, but it’s time to wrap things up.”
“Until next time, I’d like to thank and apologize to everyone who listened to this episode. If you have a question or comments you want to ask Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, send them to our producer and she’d be happy to read them. Name calling and nasty remarks will be given preference.”
“Spike.” Scratch said in a chastising tone.
“I was just kidding…. Sort of. Anyway, this is Guy Talk signing off.”