Three’s a charm, I’d thought. But seriously, who’d made this stupid proverb?
My third try was as sucessful as the other two. Searching for another cool name, I found something that reminded me of my true love.
No, not about Rarity. Rarity is my love but my true love are candies! And ice cream of course.
Therefore, I just had to date Bon-Bon.
It was quite a similar case to Lyra. I knew I had seen Bon-Bon many times but I couldn’t tell I really knew her.
And again it was kinda embarrassing...
“What!? You swing the other way too!? What’s wrong with mares in this town!?” I shouted angrily after Bon-Bon had explained me why she wouldn’t date me.
I expected her to begin to rant endlessly at my behaviour towards her but instead, she just laughed.
“Spike, there is nothing wrong with mares in this town. Just look around,” she said softly.
I did so.
“What do you see?” she asked.
“Mares?” I answered uncertainly.
“How many of them?” she inquired, smiling.
“A lot. I’d have to count. One... Two...” I started to count. There was a lot of mares at the marketplace.
“Let’s agree there’s a lot of them. Now, do you see any stallions?” she continued.
I began to look for some males in the crowd. “Yeah, four of them.”
“Actually, three. The fourth one is Quake. She is an androgynous mare,” Bon-Bon corrected my answer and then giggled.
I was confused at that moment. What was her point? “Um, what do you imply?”
“Think of it for a while, Spike. How many potential straight couples could be created with such mares-to-stallion ratio?” she asked.
“Um, three?” I answered, realizing what was her point.
“Or four, if Quake was a bit more manly.” She laughed at her own joke. “That’s why so many mares in Equestria swing the other way. But I believe it’s rather opportunistic than natural, though. Everypony needs some love.”
“EveryBODY needs some love,” I whispered, walking away.
“Oh, Spike. Don’t worry. I’d date you really but, you see, I’m dating somepony now,” she said as I was going away.
“Lyra?” I asked sadly.
“No, silly! I just live with her in one house. I’m dating Pinkie!” she answered, smiling widely and then she trotted away, leaving me with a confused look on the face.
Knowing that it could be difficult to find a date even with my list, I sat on the grass and began to think. At this point I had no idea what I should do.
I’d been thinking for nearly two hours, when Sweetie Belle saw me. I was probably very sad, so she walked up to me and asked what had happened to me.
I explained to her that I needed to date some mare but I couldn’t tell which of them swing the right way. She probably didn’t understand the swinging part but, strangely, she gave me a seemingly good advice.
“If you want to date a mare, just write her a letter!” she exclaimed, proud that she could help.
“A letter?” I asked with surprise.
“Yeah! A letter. Mares love, um, love letters!” she said happily and then trotted away. “Bye, Spike!”
That looked like a good idea. A letter! No risk of humiliation, being laughed at, getting beaten up or anything! Just a letter! Such a simple yet great idea!
I returned to the library. I don’t know how Twilight knew I had wanted to date Bon-Bon. She began ranting as she saw me enter. She was still angry at me that I tricked Rainbow Dash. She will forget, hopefully.
I ran to the basement and, after crossing Bon-Bon off the list, began to write letters.
Instead of sending a letter and then waiting for a response, I decided to write letters to all mares on my list at once. That would save me a lot of time.
However, that would be a lot of work and I had to keep it in secret. Fortunately, Twilight rarely came to the basement, so I could write there quite safely.
Maybe you won’t belive but it took me a few days of constant writing. Firstly, I prepared a nice version of a universal love letter, which complimented ‘her’ mane, eyes and so on. Then I began to write. I also chose the safe way – I signed the letters as anonymous and just asked them to meet me at Quills&Sofas shop in the evening on the day she gets the letter. I was going to stay there for a few evenings so I wouldn’t miss any mare willing to date me.
The writing part wasn’t easy. I was getting claw cramps all the time. Fortunately, I’m ambidexterous, so I could change the writing claw once in a while.
Only after I’d been done with the letters, I realized that there was a tiny problem with my plan. How was I going to send all those letters?
After giving it some thought, I chose the methodical way. Firstly, I lured Twilight out of the library, telling her that Fluttershy wanted to see her. That wasn’t a lie, really. Fluttershy always want to see her friends, right?
Then, I was running there and back, taking letters from the basement and putting them in the post box. That took me a lot of time but was worth it.
And thank Celestia that postal service is subsidized and therefore entirely free in Equestria. Otherwise, I’d have to take a huge credit. And I’d have done that!
Before all the mares in Ponyville received their letters, Twilight returned home and then began to rant for making her go to Fluttershy without a reason. She didn’t ground me this time, though. I’d already been grounded.
All the letters had been delivered by the end of the next day. I went for a walk that day because I was wondering, if some mares were excited about the letters.
Indeed, I overheard some mares gossiping about a strange handsome adorer who sent them love letters.
“You won’t believe! I just got a love letter from a handsome adorer!” exclaimed one happy mare, whose name I couldn’t really recall.
“You won’t believe either! I also got a love letter from a handsom adorer!” her friend answered excitedly.
What followed was a high girly squeal.
So, some mares were eager to date me. I could announce a partial success.
At that moment, I had no idea that I had not realized an obvious outcome of all the mares meeting me at the same day at the same time.
Not really expecting that anything could go wrong, I waited at Quills&Sofas for a mare that would finally date a little dragon. After a few minutes, first mares began to come there.
I took all my courage and walked up to the first one.
“Hey. So, you came here because of the letter, right?” I asked straightforwardly.
“Yes,” a yellow mare answered. “I’m gonna meet some handsome stallion here. Did you see any stallions?”
I was puzzled. I wasn’t a stallion!
“I’m this handsome... stallion?” I mumbled, making her laugh.
“Oh, you’re a cute dragon but, well, I prefer stallions, I’m sorry.”
I hadn’t expected that. I asked some other mares but all of them reacted pretty much the same way. Finally, I sat at the store and began watching the growing crowd of mares.
After an hour, the crowd was really big. Many mares expected to meet a handsome stallion. It kinda proved Bon-Bon’s theory that mares ‘swing the other way’ because there are not enough stallions in Equestria.
The mares were getting more and more irritated with every passing minute.
“Where is my adorer!?” I heard Junebug yelling through the noise the crowd was making.
“And where is mine!?” another mare shouted.
Finally, I climbed on a crate, which lied next to the store, and then yelled, “Listen to me!”
It worked like charm. All the mares began gazing at me.
“Um, you all expect a handsome adorer,” I began. “Well, that’s me!” I said proudly.
An awkward silence hung in the air.
“You sent this letter?” Rainbow Dash appeared in front of me. “I thought it was Soarin’! Gah! I told ya I don’t wanna date you!” she shouted and then flew away.
“You sent all these letters?” Cheerilee asked uncertainly.
“Yep. All of them. So, who wants to date me first?” I asked, grinning innocently.
Then I realized what was going to happen. “I’m an idiot...” I mumbled.
“Why did you do that?” a purple-coated mare asked, nearly crying. “I thought somepony loves me...”
“Yeah... Me too! But you can’t love us all!” another one shouted.
From that point on, all the mares began ranting angrily. Some of them tore the letters, while other just threw crumpled letters at me.
“You are in trouble, mister!” That was Twilight. I hadn’t sent her a letter but she was there anyway.
“Let’s get him, girls!” somepony from the crowd yelled. Unfortunately, all the mares heard that.
My instinct of self-preservation suggested that I should run away.
So I began to run. And all the mares in the town followed me.
Now, I’m running to the Everfree Forest, hoping that they will be too scared to chase me down there. If I survive, I’ll have a lot to write about to Princess Celestia.
And I hope Zecora won’t mind having a guest for a week... or a year.
They will forget. Someday maybe.
THE END
EPILOGUE (not from Spike’s perspective)
Rarity was lying on her bed, crying loudly. Sweetie Belle entered the room.
“Why are you crying, sister?” she asked.
“Because all the mares in the town got love letters from one handsome stallion. All the mares but not meeeeeeeee,” she cried. “He thinks I’m uglyyyyy!”
Sweetie Belle gently patted her on the back, trying to comfort her sister.