- - | === o O 0 O o === | - -
Spike told us that nopony lived very near the set, and so it’d take awhile for anypony to arrive. We waited. Twilight picked up a book and started reading, Dash didn't read a Daring Do (whether or not those existed), and Spike slouched in a bean bag chair, playing Angry Birds. I, on the other hoof, waddled deep in self-pity. Considering how things had gone so far, it was only a matter of time before I’d snap. Maybe Celestia would turn out to be a normal pony with stilts, maybe Equestria was a democracy, or maybe Luna... now wait a second.
“Spike.”
“Not now, Eric. I’m beating Mara’s score.” Dash jumped out of whatever she was doing and went next to Spike, staring incredulously at the small screen. She barely dodged Spike’s fist, as he sprang up victorious. “Ha! Take that, Rainbow head!” Half a second later Dash had already caught the phone.
“Nobody beats my score. Not even Mr. Fingers,” said Dash and began playing. I interrupted Spike before he could reply:
“I gotta ask about Luna.”
“Which one? Our current Luna or the one who got herself fired?”
“Fired?” That’s actually the first thing to make some sense in this land. I knew it had to be something bigger than just the artists completely forgetting how she looked like.
“Yes,” Spike went on, “when she found out she was a celebrity in the internet she started demanding a huge pay raise for her next appearance. Instead of changing her contract they simply ended it. Nobody’s heard of her since.”
“How can you have internet access?” Suddenly a load of important questions came to mind. “How did you end up making this show? How do you send the episodes to Earth? How did–”
“Whoa, Eric, one at a time!” Spike yelled and the room fell silent – apart from Dash’s constant taunting at the pigs. Spike gestured at Twilight. “I’ll have the egghead answer your questions for now, while I’m off to boil some water.”
Spike strutted away to the kitchen. Twilight had been listening, so she was already composing an answer before I got to ask anything. “Blah-blah-blah, technobabble-technobabble, magic-magic-bing-bang-bops. Go fish.” My jaw was slowly getting used to the constant dropping.
“Twilight would never say that!” I said in a hopeless subconscious attempt to bring order into the chaotic world.
“She isn't Twilight, you fucking– Aagh! Talia, your kettle heats from the outside!” echoed Spike’s voice from the other room. I couldn't be very upset about Spike getting burned like that, not anymore. Yeah, I guess bathing in lava was too outrageous to have actually happened. Who cares? Ponies are just better off without some fire-breathing reptilian beasts trying to hunt them down.
I turned to Twilight again, but she was back reading her book. The closest thing to Twilight Sparkle in the multiverse had left me hanging without an answer. What a horseapple. But I wouldn’t say that to her face, I couldn’t. Dash hadn’t stopped playing for a second, and Spike was somewhere treating himself. To get things going, somepony should barge into the library right about now. Now.
Or now.
Or now.
Not now, but maybe... now.
Fourteen minutes later there was a knock on the door and two familiar ponies trotted in.
“Hello, Mara and... Twilight,” said the pony that in other circumstances would be called Applejack in a very tame and gentle voice – obviously without the trademark accent. She wasn’t wearing her hat either. The other pony was “Rarity” with hair rollers in her mane and a look on her face that said “I just woke up and haven’t had my coffee”.
“Hi, Agent Orange!” Spike yelled out from somewhere.
“Spike, shut up! Nobody asked you anything,” said the orange pony. I tried to get their attention by whistling: it worked with the orange one, but “Rarity” just kept staring at the wall like a zombie.
“Hello,” I said. “I’m Eric, the new guy.” Applejack was so cute without her hat. Who cares about the voice when she has those big green eyes and a smile so warm it would’ve saved Titanic. I wanted to hug her, but she’d sue me for sexual harassment if I did.
“Well how do you do, Eric? This here is Hillah, and I’m–”
“Orange! Take a look at this; I’m beating Spike’s score!” Dash interrupted, which totally screwed up the cute Applejack face.
“You too, Mara. Shut. Up!” The mare’s negative attitude towards the chemical didn’t need much clarification. The white one greeted me with a growl I barely heard and wandered off to the kitchen. “Sorry about that. These so-called ‘friends’ still have trouble understanding very simple concepts.” I nodded, wanting to hug her again.
“It’s all in good fun, Orange,” Twilight chimed in.
“Talia, not you too. You were supposed to be the smart one.” Mixing a sarcastic tone into that sweet voice made her sound downright sinister. But in a cute way. “Ignore them. So what made you join our little crew?”
That was a pretty tough question for being the first. “Well, I got stolen here by an evil casting director in a blue TARDIS model.” Not something I thought I was ever going to say.
“Huh...” AJ lookalike said, clearly faking surprise, “exactly the same that had happened to the previous guy.”
“I really wanna meet this ‘previous guy.’”
“Yeah, you two probably have lots in common. Are you one of those–”
“AAGH! Talia, what the hell is wrong with your kettle!?” After a quick survey, the howl couldn’t have come from anypony but “Rarity”. Keeping with the theme she had a typical North American accent learned from television programs and her voice sounded middle-aged. The fact that she was screaming might have had something to do with it. I heard Twilight snickering maliciously.
AJ noticed it too: “Must be one funny book. Sugar cube.” Twilight gave her a disapproving glance and dug back into her book, though I wasn’t sure if she was really reading it. I didn’t like this Twilight. Actor or not, she was the devil. AJ on the other hoof had many qualities that a normal person would have. She probably had a set of skeletons in her closet, but normal people had those too.
“I saw your eye twitch a little when I said sugar cube, so I bet you’re one of those ‘bronies’, aren’t you,” said AJ. “I have no idea how confused you’re feeling, but it’s still magnitudes better than what late Dave had to endure.” Dave?
“Braeburn Dave?”
Twilight stopped pretending to read her book again and joined in: “He hadn’t even the slightest clue of where he was. The casting director had told him nothing, he’d never seen any My Little Pony cartoons, hadn’t even been near a live horse in his life...”
FLASHBACK STORY TIME
“Dave, you can unlock the door now. You can’t stay in that closet forever,” said Spike in the most pathetic voice he could produce. Nobody was trying to open the door to the closet anymore, for Dave had jammed the handle from inside.
“I wouldn’t be so sure. Maybe not forever, but I already found snacks,” Dave’s voice exclaimed. The group outside also heard the crispy sound of plastic wrappers. In addition to Spike, Talia, Orange, and Deemi were in the cafeteria/meeting/recreational wing of the studio building located in the northern side of Ponyville.
---
“Who’s Deemi? Never mind, if it’s not necessary I don’t wanna know.”
---
“There are no snacks in there,” Spike said, a little unsure. Deemi promptly shoved him aside, almost smashing through the door.
“No! It’s my soap! Don’t eat it, please!” she cried.
“Smells like peanut butter. Why would you keep soap in a... wherever I am.”
“C’mon, Dave, why would you eat Deemi’s soap?” Talia chimed in.
“Because I’m a kidnapped prisoner. You can lie as much as you want, but I know you’re all in it. I’m staying here until I wake up.”
“There’s a perfectly good explanation for everything,” Talia continued. “Come out and we’ll break it down to you.”
---
“How about you just break it down to me. I don’t need to know how things went with Dave; I didn’t know him.”
---
FLASHBACK STORY TIME ENDS ABRUPTLY
Twilight furrowed her brows at me, to which I told her what Spike had told me. She didn’t look very happy.
“There’s something really wrong with you, isn’t there,” I said. She mumbled something about helping in the kitchen and left me with AJ and Dash, who’d dozed off.
“What do you want to start with?” AJ asked. Even though the mention of snacks had waken up my appetite, I still accepted explanations as an hors d’oeuvre. The first would be a tough one:
“Why?”
“Simple, all pony actors have been female for centuries. This time though, I heard they got a strict word to have stallions played by real stallions, and they quickly hired all male actors in the country. For every new role we need another.” As shocking as it already was, AJ added to the unease by delivering it more or less without expression.
“So you kidnap people from another world!? You think that’s okay? How can you not feel disgusted at yourselves?” The noise shook Dash awake, but I thought she deserved it for some reason.
“Don’t you start pointing hooves at me. At least I’m not jerking you around like Talia. Why are you so angry anyway? I thought big fans like you would give their left nut for a chance to visit Equestria.” I awkwardly stared in front of me for a moment. Indeed I had my hoof pointing at AJ’s face. I took it down.
“I guess... but–”
“You thought we’d be in character,” she said, an ounce of pity in her voice – which I deserved, maybe even needed. “Thought we’d be running around in peace and harmony. I’d be bucking trees, Twilight Sparkle studying magic, and Rainbow Dash taking care of the weather. How crazy would that be?” Very crazy, bordering insane, but I didn’t think she was looking for an obvious answer.
Instead of facing AJ, I let my gaze rest at the library floor. It wasn’t difficult to make out that it wasn’t made of solid wood like it should’ve been. The patterns were just paint. Of course I’d expected Equestria to be just like in the show. I was ecstatic when I first got here, wasn’t I? Why would talking ponies (and Spike) be anything else than magical?
I looked at her again, biting my lip. “Can I still call you AJ?” I put up my most adorable expression.
“Gah... it’s still better than that other nickname.” She said the last words as if strangling a crocodile with a snake at the same time.
“You mean Agent Orange?” I wasn’t a very smart pony. Any possible hugs had to wait.
- - <> | << T:T:T >> | <> - -
The six of us were having a picnic-style lunch in the shade of the tree. I was relieved to find out that ponies didn’t eat meat, but on the other hoof there was Spike happily munching a couple of mice-on-a-stick. I tried to pretend they were quartz or something, though that failed when a whole tail got stuck between his teeth for ten minutes.
The tail jiggling as his mouth moved, Spike informed us that the others were on their way, but had probably chosen to eat as well except “Ria”, who was going to join us in a...
...moment. There she was! It was Fluttershy! I wasn’t good with descriptions, but I think my fanboy squee could’ve powered a neutron star with its pure, unprotected joy. Somewhere in the back of my head a warning sign was telling me to stop what I was doing and not wreck what could be the last soothing sight by running over to her. As one would guess, I ignored it.
“Fluttershy, Ria, or whatever your name is, PLEASE! Don’t be a complete monster under that fragile and irresistibly cute surface.” I wasn’t sure if she heard me, but she definitely saw me coming. In a completely unfluttershyish manner, she stood unfazed and stared at me with her eyes half open. As I closed in, I saw that the rest of her face also showed no emotions bar indifference.
At this point I had little to no control over my body and I lunged to glomp her. Either I miscalculated, or she took a step back, but I landed on the ground right before her hooves. I recovered immediately and grabbed her foreleg. “Remember when I thought that Rainbow Dash was best pony? I lied. It was always you, Fluttershy.”
I knew that she’d drop the bomb at me any moment now. However, time seemed to slow down to a crawl even a snail would have no trouble beating. The sweet yellow hairs in my nose, the bitter dirt in my mouth, and possibly a spider trying to peel my lids open and enter my eye. Every passing nanosecond made me enjoy it even more.
“Stranger, I find your hooves are in the wrong place.” It was good while it lasted. If you taught a litter of kittens to be chain-smokers about right after they were born, then let them live and smoke a pack a day until they were old enough to buy the farm, then stuffed them inside a jar and shook it for an hour, and then finally hung them all on a string and strangled them in front of a microphone... you’d probably get tons of hate mail from PETA, and a lawsuit, but the sound wouldn’t be too different from “Fluttershy’s” voice.
I was getting pretty good with these description things.