Guy Talk
Questions: The Quest for Answers?
Episode 5
“I’m Snips.”
“I’m Snails.”
“And I’m Spike. Welcome to Guy Talk, where we objectify females in a society dominated by them for the sake of entertainment. We’re here with our producer, Vinyl Scratch.”
“Sup, Equestria!”
“You have the topic of our show today, Scratch.” Spike said.
“I do indeed. The station decided you guys weren’t answering enough questions so I thought we’d knock out a few today.”
“I wonder who’s fault is that?” Spike looked at Vinyl Scratch.
“Oh, Spike! How could you be so cruel? I work so hard without getting any thanks at all.” Vinyl Scratch said in a saccharine tone.
“Stop picking on Scratch.” Snips said.
“Picking on girls, Spike. Not cool, dude.” Snails shook his head at Spike’s treatment of Scratch.
“Are you guys forgetting she had you two, along with Twilight and Trixie fighting each other?”
“That was your fault. You made Trixie and Twilight fight over you in the first place.” Snips placed the blame squarely on Spike’s shoulder.
“She could have stopped it anytime!”
“I’m just the innocent, beautiful, and sexy producer who works her hooves to the bone for her big, mean, dragon boss.” Vinyl Scratch covered her face as she started to make sobbing sounds.
“Way to go , Spike.” Snips chastised the dragon.
“Making girls cry. Super uncool, dude.”
“First of all, you’re about as innocent as Discord. Secondly, how hard is it to sit there and push buttons for an hour? I’d hardly say you’re working your hooves to the bone. Finally, I’m not your big mean dragon boss. I’m actually shorter than you and you’re usually telling me what to do.”
“Why, Spike? I only want to be your friend and yet you always cast me aside.” The producer said continuing to play the victim.
“She only wants to be friends. Why are you always so hard on her?”
“Being mean to Vinyl Scratch. Really, really uncool, dude.”
“Why do I even bother? Let’s just get to the questions.” Spike sighed and slapped his palms over his face. Vinyl Scratch immediately dropped her sad act as Spike gave up and brought a hoof to her head in a mock salute.
“Whatever you say boss, but before we start answering questions, there’s something we need to do. Right, guys?”
“Ugh.” Spike groaned in frustration at what came next.
“Three.” Snips sounded off.
“Two.” Snails followed.
“One! It‘s question time with Vinyl Scratch!” They shouted together.
“That was really amazing!” Spike said.
“I knew you’d come around.” Snips stated proudly.
“I was actually referring to the fact that no matter how many times you do that it never gets any easier to listen to. It still as annoying as the first time.”
“Okay, our first question comes from Kamina7. Who do you think will be hotter? Scootaloo, Applebloom, or Sweetie Belle.”
“Interesting question, Kamina7. It’s hard to say who will be hotter.” Spike said as he pondered the question.
“I’m going with Scootaloo. She’s not much to look at now, but if she acted and looked a bit more feminine, I wouldn’t confuse her for a really cute colt. Still she can’t get any worse than she is now. At some point, she either has to start acting more girly or get an operation.” Snips joked.
“I’m thinking Applebloom. If she can grow up and get her cutie mark, she might stop whining about it long enough for me to appreciate how beautiful she is. I mean come on. I get it you want your cutie mark. I don’t need to hear about it every time I say hello.” Spike added.
“I got to go with Sweetie Belle. If she can outgrow that squeaky, high pitched voice of hers, I might be able to talk to her without my ears bleeding. Seriously, she’s like a cute chipmunk or something.” Snails laughed.
“Alright! Our next question is from a guy called Night Wing. He wants to ask me out on a date. Also he wants to know if there’s anything going on between you and Twilight, Spike. I’m sorry, Night Wing. I really appreciate the gesture, but I’m already in a relationship and Octavia’s not into threesomes.”
“Okay, why does everyone assume there’s something going on between me and Twilight? We’re friends who live together. Can’t a guy live with the girl who hatched him and not have everyone assume we’re dating?”
“I don’t know about that. Remember that one time you were late because you were giving Twilight a massage.” Snails recalled.
“I told you her back gets sore from me riding her all the time. I give her massages so her muscles don‘t hurt.”
“You must ride her pretty hard, you stud.” Vinyl Scratch commented.
“It’s not like that! Listen, Twilight and I have a normal relationship. There is nothing sexual going on.”
“I don’t know. You’re trying really hard to deny it.” Snips said regarding him suspiciously.
“Maybe because it’s totally ridiculous. This discussion is over. Next question!” Spike shouted as he lost his cool.
“Chill, Spike! We’re just messing with you. Our next question comes from Azazel. He’s a baby dragon living out in the Everfree Forest like Spike who wants to know how he should approach Applejack. He really likes her but he’s afraid his evil looks might earn him a kick to the face. He also thinks I’m the coolest deejay ever.”
“Did you add that last part?” Spike asked.
“Come on, Spike. Do you really think I’d do something like that?” The dragon crossed his arms and cocked an eyebrow at the pony.
“Okay, I would, but he honestly wrote that. So how should he approach Applejack?”
“I doubt Applejack is that jumpy. She might be a bit put off by your appearance, but she’s pretty friendly. I don’t think her first inclination would be to buck someone in the face because of how they look on the outside. If you’re still not comfortable, approach her with a gift. No matter how evil you look, it’s hard to be scared of someone with a bouquet of flowers.”
“Hold on a second! How are we sure this guy’s legit. He just admitted he’s an evil looking dragon from the Everfree Forest. You remember the Everfree Forest? That place where ninety nine percent of everything wants to kill you.” Snips warned him.
“You’re questioning his legitimacy when you openly admitted to stalking Applejack?” Spike asked.
“I thought we settled this.” Snips said.
“No, you changed the subject before we could-”
“Hey, Scratch. How about another question?” Snips said cutting Snails off.
“Sure, we have time for one more. This one’s from Grim Tidings and it’s all about Spike.”
“Hmm, that’s nice. What’s it say?” Spike asked with piqued interest.
“Is it true that you have a ten to fifteen foot long, prehensile tongue? Is it true that you have two members? If either of those are true, how are you still single?” Spike was silent for a moment before responding.
“Okay, I’m not answering any of that. It’s one thing to ask me what I think of someone else, but when you start asking me about my body parts, you‘ve crossed the line.”
“Come on, Spike. You might create some buzz with female ponies if you spill the details.” Vinyl Scratch said encouraging him to answer.
“You could be the dude with two dicks and a crazy, flexible tongue, and I could be the guy who gets the girls you reject.” Snips said.
“What about me?” Snails asked.
“You would be the guy who gets the girls after me and Spike are done with them.”
“Why do I get the sloppy seconds?”
“Think about it, dude. By the time, Spike and I are done doing our thing. They’ll be all experienced and have low self esteem from getting dumped by us. That‘s when you swoop in and by then they‘ll be desperate for the attention of another guy. All you have to do is throw them a few compliments and they‘re all over you.”
“Wow! That sounds pretty nice.”
“That’s right, Snails. All Spike has to do is let the ladies hear what they want and we’ll be up to our ears in babes.” Snips and Snails looked to Spike who had two fingers on his nose as he shook his head.
“Snips, I know I say this so much that it’s probably lost all meaning but I want you to know that when I say it this time I mean it more than I ever meant it. That is the worst idea you have ever come up with. Even on the off chance that such a ludicrous notion might actually work, I would never ever go along with such a morally bankrupt and obviously desperate scheme. You’re my friend, but you’re also a terrible pony for coming up with such a horrible, manipulative plan. I can only hope that for your sake you realize this and get the help you so sorely need.” Snips looked at Spike for a few seconds before responding.
“I‘ll take that as a maybe.” The colt said causing Spike to face palm as he placed his head on the desk. Suddenly the door to the recording studio swung open and three figures appeared.
“Cutie Mark Crusaders!” Snails said shocked at their appearance.
“W-What are you guys doing here?” Snips asked nervously.
“We heard what you guys said about us and it’s payback time.” Scootaloo took a stance as she prepared to charge.
“Whoa! Let‘s take it easy. No need to do anything hasty.” Spike put his arms up trying to calm them down.
“Get ‘em.” Applebloom shouted as the three of them pounced. The boys managed to slip through and escape.
“You can run but you can‘t hide!” Sweetie Belle yelled as the three of them gave chase.
“Sorry, folks. It looks like we’re experiencing some technical difficulties on the guys’ side of things so I’ll end the show for them. We’d like to thank and apologize to everyone who listened. This episode was brought to you by Apple Family Cider. The tall refreshing drink that only shows up only once a year, available exclusively at Sweet Apple Acres. This is Guy Talk signing off.”