There was a time when I believed in action. Then I realized that my life had already been acted out a thousand times; that I was a performer in an ancient play that grows more painful with each new generation. Sons and daughters reenact their parents’ lives endlessly, into the abyss of time without change.
Our part is written by an unknown and unseen hand and we are forcibly cast into this play. We are thrown into roles that don't always fit us. Sometimes we are even born into a world that we do not belong in. That was the case with me.
The world I live in posses more cruelty than kindness, more lies than truth, more greed than generosity, more treachery than loyalty, and more tears than laughter. People that love only for the sake of their own enjoyment. Once I was old enough to feel for myself, I felt alien, misguided, and misplaced.
My friends wondered why I could not see the world the way they did, they wanted me to be happy like they were. But a shallow and temporary form of happiness was not what my soul craved. I wanted an eternal joy, a contentment brought by true love, not a rush gained through cheap thrill. I wanted a pain, even, that led to something greater. And so my path veered from that of my friends and family. I was alone and still in a world unfit for my soul. I wanted to love, but in this world my love was taken cheaply, and I loved with a love that was mine alone.
Then into my world descended a happiness that I was did not deserve. I immersed myself in this new world and I felt true happiness for the first time.
Of all media forms television was never my favorite. I preferred movies or books. But I embraced the simple show that brought color and hope into my world: My Little Pony. I fell in love with the characters. I wanted more than anything to believe that they were somewhere out there; that they lived in some eternally joyful place beyond the borders of my reality.
But, with the happiness I felt while watching the peaceful town of Ponyville, and its inhabitants, came an equal share of pain. When I turned the show off, I was reminded that their world was not my world; that it never would be.
“When I die I will confront God,” I promised myself. “I will tell him that if he truly loves me he must give me a choice.” He must allow me entrance into the world I wanted to believe existed. I had to believe it existed.
Life and death in my eyes became one. Happiness seemed out of place in my mind as I saw the improbability of my dream. Even the moon would not rise in my world and grant me remembrance of Princess Luna, and so I sat at night and I stared up to the red clouds that were dimly lit by the echo of a sun that had already set. The world was at war with my very being.
The stars did not shine the night the godly forces above decided to test my spirit. With lightening the struck me and with the ice they surrounded me. They told me that this was the only world and that the world I wished for was of my dreams alone.
The God wished be the sole object of my love but I loved him not.
I heard their voices in the thunder. With the bright light of my very soul I wrote in stone an oath, that, if in dreams alone I could be in the land of my love, I would dream forever.
Seeing my determination, the one spirit that reined above the others came to me. He granted me wings and spoke to me.
"Go, child, do not sleep, for I have given you the power to seek the land you crave."
I flew above the clouds and into the sky and left my dreams in search of fulfillment. Through many skies I traveled until I reached the end of my world and then I entered the next with the wings God gave me.
I flew over cities and towns that resembled those in the world I came from. I did not linger, for I saw the sadness in the eyes of the people here was the same as in the world I came from, and so I flew into the next world.
I traveled through a dense jungle and in the eyes of the deer and the birds I saw fear, in the tiger’s eye I saw hunger, and nowhere happiness, so I did not stay.
I passed through planet after planet, world after world; I flew through the borders of universes.
I flew through a land that was made entirely of steel and there were small hills and boulders but no plants and no animals and it was never day nor night but always dusk. I did not stay long there.
I passed through deserts and rain forests. I passed through lands that were like heaven, with waterfalls and green trees and flowers everywhere. There was cool water to swim in and the pleasurable company of many animals, birds, men and women. There was enjoyment but not love. I did not stay.
Finally I came to a ridge of black mountains at the edge of a vast ocean. Atop the highest peak stood an ancient oak with leaves of red and upon it sat an owl. The tree was smooth, its bark worn away by the wind that blows through all that is. I alighted on a branch and spoke to the bird.
“Pray tell me, Owl, where I can find the land I seek?”
He opened his eyes and they were the color of rust and he spoke to me. His voice was like the wind and the rain, neither loving nor indifferent; they do their duty and can help no more.
“I once searched,” he said, “I soared on the wind and thought it would lead me to my goal. The wind left me here when I became too old to follow. I have stared, ever since, across the ocean that separated me from my dream. If you choose to continue you will go where no being has gone before.”
The old owl looked at me and saw the will in my eyes.
“Then you will find the golden land for both of us. You have released me from my search. ”
He closed his eyes. The wind that blew evermore across the ocean carried his feathers away and nothing was left of the old owl. His time had passed.
I flew down from the peak and stopped to rest on the shore of the ocean. I peered for a long time but I could not see the other side.
I rested but I did not sleep.
I cannot tell how long I stayed on the shore and watched the waves smash onto the golden sand. The sun stayed high in the sky and I saw no sign of the approach of night.
When I was rested I flew on towards the horizon where the clear sky met the sparkling water. Behind me the black mountains faded into an eternal sky.
There is no time on that ocean and I grew tired but still my resolve was strong. I had lived lifetime after lifetime in a state of misery and I was determined to find the place of true happiness.
Of true and pure love.
I could see no shore upon the horizon still but I flew on. In all directions water glittered below and the sky shone bright and cloudless above. My wings burned but there was no end to the ocean or the day. My mind was slow and groggy but I remained fixed on my goal and I flew on.
The black mountains were distant memory and the world I came from was forgotten. My thought was of the shore and it became more import to me than my goal. I wanted to stop flying and to rest my wings and I wanted never to fly again. My purpose was slipping away and it was almost forgotten.
"Please let there be a shore at the end of this ocean!" I pleaded.
My determination was ebbing and my wings would soon give up on me and I would plunge into the sea. I would never see the shore.
"God who gave me these wings, please take them away and allow me to sleep on the land!"
I wanted only to sleep and never have to wake up. My entire body burned and I could fly no longer. No goal was important enough to keep me in the air. I lost hope that the shore would ever again grace my eyes and I was about to plummet to the ocean below and drown in the forever sea.
But the forces in control of the universe had other plans for my soul. From the endless sea came a rocky outcrop, a spire that protruded from the waves. I let my body fall and I landed on the plateau at its crown. The Spirit that sent me on my journey appeared there, and He spoke to me, but I was tired and could not hear.
"Sleep then, my child. The only difference between a dream and reality is that in one you do not know you are dreaming."
***
I was in a place I had been before. The sun shone above, but this was a different sun than the one that tormented me above the endless sea. This sun was bright and happy. Small clumps of cumulus clouds dotted the sky and looked like white cotton candy.
I did not question the fact that I was a pegasus-pony. I rustled my dark blue wings, stood tall on my hooves. It felt right; like I had always been this way.
Sometime, I thought, I shall have to fly up there and taste one to see if it really is cotton candy.
I looked around at the smiling faces and bright, happy colors. The apple trees bore their ripe red fruit, and I could hear an orange pony with a blonde mane calling to any who would purchase her apple cider.
“Hey Applejack!” I called. She saw me and waved, smiling, and asked me how I was doing. She knew my name.
Sometime I will, I thought, but not now. I have places to be and ponies to meet.
I wandered through the quaint town and everypony was friendly.
They all know me already, and I know them! This is prefect! This is where I am meant to be.
It was like I was back from a short vacation… I was home.
“Hey StarQuill! Glad to see you back in Ponyville.” Rainbow Dash greeted me from a cloud above.
I was hungry, I realized. I didn’t remember having been hungry in a long time. I walked into the Cake’s shop.
“How ya doin’ StarQuill?” Pinkie handed me a plate containing what might have been a cupcake under all the frosting. She didn’t ask for payment but I tipped with several gold coins I didn’t know I had.
I helped Twilight pick up a ridiculously large pile of books she had dropped outside her tree-house.
I continued my walk, stopping by Carousal Boutique.
“Oh dear, whatever shall I do with you!” Rarity fussed, “You’ve simply ruined that hat on your crazy adventure. I’ll make you a new one.”
Seeing my look of concern, and misinterpreting it to be one of doubt in her ability, she added: “Don’t worry, it’ll be just as good as your last one at its best. No, what would Rainbow say? I will be twenty percent cooler!”
She let out a squee, “I have the perfect feather! Oh and I’ll use a ruby buckle on the brim. I better get started right away!”
I was concerned about her making a hat for me in the first place, I didn’t deserve it. But she was perfect, just like in the show! I wanted to roll around in the grass in glee right then and there.
Wait, what show? I’ve lived here forever, right? My head throbbed suddenly and I ignored the matter, shaking my head and trying to forget about it.
Fluttershy was negotiating with a shopkeeper for some carrots. She needed four, but only had money for three. I happily paid for the fourth carrot with my last medallion.
Happily. I was smiling; I had been for some time. I hadn’t been happy in forever. Had I ever been happy before I came here?
How did I come here?
Then I remembered. I had been on the rock – no, I was on the rock.
I was dreaming. And as with all dreams, I had to wake up.
***
The spirit wasn’t there when I awoke on the rock. I remembered him being there when I had fallen. And I remembered the words he had spoken:
“The only difference between a dream and reality is that in one you do not know you are dreaming.”
Maybe he is right. But if I cannot wake from this reality and into a greater one, then I will search on. And if, in a dream, I shall know I am asleep, then perhaps I shall dream within a dream.
The sun was setting and tufts of pink cumulus filled the sky. I soared into the wind and towards the horizon.