Kevin heard voices. Strange, unfamiliar voices. Used to such occurrences after a night of being less than sober, he kept his eyes shut and breathing steady, and he began to listen in to the conversation taking place not five feet from the bed he was in.
“You mean to tell me he seriously believes he is hallucinating?” asked a somewhat motherly voice.
“Yes. He told me that if I was still here after twelve hours, he would accept my existence, but I’m not so sure. He seemed a little stressed every time I said I was real,” answered a voice that while unfamiliar seemed to ring a distant bell in his head.
“He has been ripped from his own world Twilight. It’s quite understandable that he be in denial.”
Hearing this, Kevin quickly opened his eyes and looked around. From what he could remember, he was in exactly the same room as he was when he passed out. A glance toward the source of the voices confirmed his fears. Standing there was a small purple unicorn, and beside her stood a much taller winged unicorn. The human, unable to accept this shock to his system, promptly closed his eyes and put his head back on his pillow.
There was some mumbling, and then the motherly voice came again. “Come now Kevin, surely we can discuss this as rational beings?”
The human simply shook his head, screwing his eyes shut even tighter.
“Just because you cannot see me doesn’t mean I am not here. I assure you, should you make this a waiting game I will win.” The motherly voice held a slight lilt to it now, vaguely mocking. The human refused to respond. “Twilight, please leave the room for a moment.” There was the sound of hooves meeting wood, and a few moments later a door closed.
Kevin abruptly found himself subject to a rough and cursory inspection from what felt like several small hands. Kevin still staunching refused to respond, up until one of the phantom hands roughly poked a rather... personal area of his body.
“Bad touch, bad touch!” the human screamed as he leapt out of the bed, quickly placing himself in a corner.
“There now, wouldn’t it have been simpler to respond from the start? You don’t know me, I am Princess Celestia. I’ve been told you are Kevin, a human. Is that correct?” Kevin nodded once, still wary of this new threat. “Are we back to silence now? I’m perfectly willing to wait; I have all the time in the world.”
“Okay then Princess,” Kevin began after a few moments, tone venomous, “question. The fuck do you want with me?”
If the Princess was offended by Kevin’s language, she didn’t show it. “Only to fulfill my responsibilities as one of Equestria’s rulers. It is my task to ensure you are not a threat to my little ponies.”
“And if I am a threat?” Kevin ventured somewhat nervously.
“Then it falls to me to ensure you’re no longer a threat.” The tone of voice the Princess used hadn’t changed, but the light lilt was gone and her eyes were cold. The message was obvious.
“Right then. Allow me to introduce myself properly. My name is Kevin, and I am a man of wealth and taste.” The human bowed grandly to punctuate his statement, and was rewarded with a small fit of suppressed giggles.
“Unfortunately not one of sophistication, it seems. Unless it is customary in your culture to spout maledictions at royalty?” the Princess replied, the lilt returning to her voice.
“In my culture we curse at anything that talks, royalty or no. Keeps the tension down, ya know?” Kevin replied, nervousness still evident in his tone despite his words.
“You need not fear me Kevin. I will allow no harm to come to any creature in my kingdom, among which you are counted.”
“Yes well beg pardon but twenty-four hours ago all was well and good in my world, and now I’m in some alternate fucking dimension. That pegs my weird shit o’ metre right up to eleven,” Kevin responded, tone shifting to a vague annoyance.
“That is quite understandable,” the Princess began. “To be fair, I must give you credit for not simply screaming and running. That was my expectation.”
“I’m still not sure if I’m just hallucinatin’ or insane or some shit. No sense panickin’ yet,” the human replied.
Celestia lifted a single eyebrow. “There is more wisdom in that statement than I think you know.”
Kevin grinned slightly. He was in his element now, and if he played his cards right he could take control of the conversation. “Maybe there is, or maybe I know exactly what I’m talking about.”
Celestia chuckled under her breath. Here was a creature that didn’t treat her as some kind of wrathful goddess, and she was greatly enjoying it. “You wish to play a game with me, Kevin?”
The human mentally cursed himself. He wasn’t used to dealing with anyone with any real intelligence. “Maybe, if I know all the rules,” was all he said aloud.
The Princess smiled at him. “Come, let us walk. If I see where you entered this world, perhaps I can send you home. I will explain the rules on the way.”
Kevin’s eyes lit up. Home would be good, he decided. He needed to go back to the forest anyway; he had forgotten his backpack hanging on a tree branch. A thought crossed his mind and caused him pause, however. “You want me to walk through a town of you little ponies? That’d cause a right little scene I bet.”
Celestia chuckled lightly. “This town has seen stranger things than you. Some may be alarmed, but my presence will lead them to believe you’re harmless.”
“Let’s be off then,” replied Kevin with a shrug.
Walking through Ponyville, Kevin almost wished the little ponies were afraid of him. Perhaps it was only the company of the Princess, but the ponies seemed to be almost obscenely curious. Every time the human rounded a corner, he would find all the activity in the street grinding to a halt as more and more of the little demons stopped to gawk at him. It made him feel like an animal in a zoo.
After several minutes of suffering this in silence, the human decided to amuse himself. Every time a pony stopped to stare at him, he responded with a toothy grin underneath glaring eyes. The effect was indeed quite amusing to him. The ponies little semi-human face's would pale and their eyes would suddenly find themselves busy staring at the nearest rock or cloud, occasionally one would even run. He was sure he saw one group of three ponies faint.
“One would expect a guest in my kingdom to make some effort to show good will toward my subjects I think,” murmured Celestia, voice quiet but firm directly in Kevin’s ear.
Kevin felt his lips tug upwards, but denied himself the smile. “The way I see it, them treatin’ me like a circus animal means I get to creep ‘em out.”
Celestia responded with a raised eyebrow before deciding to distract the human. “You wished to know the rules of the game?” Kevin mumbled something affirmative. “So be it. First, we work out a wager of some sort. Then, we set the goal. It would be unfair of me to use my magic or wings, and so I shall not in any meaningful way. Basic telekinesis only, to compensate for my lack of hands.” Kevin nodded, it sounded fair so far. “Neither of us may speak an untruth, though deception is allowed. “
Kevin snorted. “So we’re playin’ at being faeries now?”
Celestia offered a small grin. “Precisely. The Fae are ever such an interesting folk, and since you seem to have at least a passing familiarity with how they operate, I won’t explain that rule any further. I have no further rules to add. Do you?” Kevin shook his head. “We need a wager. Any propositions?”
Kevin grinned. “That magic o’ yours is real handy...” he ventured.
“Oh my...” responded Celestia. “You wish a measure of magic if you win? That is difficult, but not impossible. It will be different from what you’ve seen so far, but it will be functional magic.”
“Different how?” Kevin asked.
“You are a non-magical being,” Celestia began, “this means your body has no natural store of magic to draw upon. Should you receive the ability to use magic, you will draw power in from your environment, slowly. That power would be stored in your body until used. You would need an outlet for this power if you didn’t make frequent use of it, but that is quite simple. Any unicorn could assist you by channelling your power from you and into their own body.”
“And if I don’t vent it?”
Celestia cringed. “It would vent itself. To put it simply, you would begin to literally leech pure magic. Not harmful in any real way, but it is an unpleasant process. Rather painful. Usually, it manifests as intense headaches. I also must add that there are laws regulating the use of magic in Equestria, you will be bound by them as any other creature in my lands.”
Kevin nodded. “Worth it. What’s my side of the bargain?”
Celestia fell silent for a moment, thinking. “Your culture,” she eventually responded. Noticing Kevin’s confused expression, she explained. “You are a very different being from me or my subjects. I would wager the gift of magic against all the knowledge you have about your culture. History, the arts, what you may know of science, and anything else I deem relevant.”
“Done, done, and done,” Kevin replied, promising thrice in the style of the Fair Folk. Celestia noticed this, and chuckled.
“Perhaps you know more of The Fae than I thought if you are already promising in their custom. You should also know, however, that a bargain with them is truly binding. My bargain is the same, should you renege on your promise it will be treated as a crime. If this is unacceptable, I’m willing to release you from our pact. If you accept, we shall decide on our goal.”
“I accept,” Kevin said cheerfully. In his mind, this bargain was a win-win scenario; he could lose nothing of value but had the potential to gain much.
“Then all that remains is to set the goal,” Celestia said, the lilt in her voice back in force. “A physical contest would be unfair, as even without my wings I have every advantage. A battle of wits would also be unfair-“
Kevin cut her off with a sharp glare. “Are you callin’ me simple?” he asked, indignant.
“Kevin, I am an immortal. I have hundreds of generations of practice and knowledge in mind games, and I have often found myself in contest with creature such as The Fae. Can you claim similar experience?” Celestia deadpanned.
“Nope,” he answered, “but all the same I don’t take kind to the idea. Mind games it is.”
Celestia shook her head, but couldn’t help a small grin from forming. This creature was alien to her in many ways, but reminded her of her sister in many others. “So be it. I propose a game of riddles, since it fits our rules so well. First to guess three riddles wrong loses. Agreed?” Kevin nodded. “I shall begin. I am the one who cold iron burns, whose realm is that of winter and wind.”
Kevin thought for a moment, creasing his brow in silent contemplation. “The queen of the winter court of the Fae,” he answered at length. Celestia nodded, eyes slightly widened in surprise. “I read the books sweetheart. My turn. Iron body and iron heart, I am the steed with no life of my own,” posed Kevin, resisting the urge to laugh at his underhanded tactic.
“A train,” Celestia answered confidently, and nearly instantly to the humans dismay. Kevin scowled furiously at the ground, but nodded his head in affirmative. “Flowing forwards never backwards, I am constant and I erode all,” said Celestia.
Kevin snorted at the simple riddle. “Time,” he answered. Celestia nodded, mentally annoyed that she had severely underestimated the humans logic. “I am a great killer, and yet without me you would die,” shot back Kevin.
“There are multiple answers. Can you clarify?” asked Celestia.
Kevin nodded, and thought for a moment. “I am most of you,” he answered.
Celestia closed her eyes for a moment, thinking in silence. “Water?” she ventured. Kevin nodded again, and Celestia smirked in triumph. “I am constant, never changing, but beaten so easily by wings.”
“Gravity,” answered Kevin without hesitation, and Celestia nodded. Kevin thought for a moment before posing his next riddle. “I am the beginning of the end, and the end of time and space. I am essential to creation and I surround every place.”
Celestia raised an eyebrow. The game was starting to get interesting.”Entropy?” she asked after nearly a minute.
“Nope,” Kevin answered with a grin. “The letter E.”
Celestia thought of the words for a moment, and laughed. So simple to see when one knew the answer. “I drive stallions mad for the love of me, easily beaten I am never free.”
Kevin thought and thought, but no answer came to his mind. “Haven’t a clue,” he answered.
“Gold,” replied Celestia, mirth in her eyes. Kevin smacked the heel of his hand against his face, and muttered something unkind about himself while he thought of his next riddle.
Celestia and Kevin were nearing The Everfree, and the riddles had become increasingly complex. The game was nearly over, however. The next one who gave a wrong answer would lose the wager.
“How far can a blind dog walk in to a forest?” asked Celestia.
Kevin pondered this in silence. He had a grasp for Celestia’s riddles now, and knew she preferred more technical, logical conundrums. In time, he found an answer. “Halfway. After that, he’s walking out of the forest.”
Celestia turned away from the human, but nodded. Kevin grinned, and let loose a riddle he had been saving the entire game. “I lack much reason but often rhyme, I require logic to pass the time. To find the words to tell your kin, look for clues that lie within.”
Celestia thought, but not for long. “A riddle.” Kevin faltered in his step for a moment. That had been the last proper riddle he knew. Celestia noticed, and gave her riddle with a smug grin. “It may be given, not taken or bought. The sinner desires it, but the saint does not.”
Kevin stopped and turned to Celestia, his own smug grin firmly in place. “Me mother was Catholic sweetheart. When yer talking about saints and sinners, it can only be forgiveness.” Celestia nodded, and waited patiently for Kevin’s next riddle. If he had none, he would lose.
Eventually, he created one. “What work can you never finish?”
Celestia closed her eyes in thought, as was her habit. She had ideas, but none that seemed quite right. She stood there, eyes closed, for nearly five minutes. Eventually, she ventured an unsure guess. “Life?”
“Wrong!” yipped Kevin, doing a small jig for joy. “The answer, mah dear, is an autobiography!”
Celestia thought for a moment, and then dropped her jaw slightly. It was such an obvious answer, but she had allowed her own viewpoint to taint her logic. As an immortal, she never could finish the work that was her life, but all mortals would finish theirs. She grinned, accepting the loss in good grace. “Well done, Kevin. As was our wager, I will grant you use of magic. I hope you will allow me to question you on your culture outside of our bargain if I can’t send you home, but you are under no obligation to do so.”
Kevin stopped his dance, and stared at the Princess. “Now why the hell would I do that when I could make you another bargain?” he asked, returning the Princesses grin.
“Well, I could just issue a royal command and you would be obligated to tell me...” Celestia muttered, carefully keeping her face blank.
“Aye, but you won’t,” replied Kevin. Noticing the Princesses slightly amused face, he explained. “You’re the easy-goin’ type, and you like games. You wouldn’t force me to tell you jack-all when you could have the chance at winnin’ it.”
“Are you so sure?” asked Celestia, purposefully making her voice hard and threatening. To his credit, Kevin didn’t even flinch before he nodded. “Aye then,” began Celestia, mocking Kevin’s thick accent. “You’d be right.”
Kevin grinned, but otherwise ignored the small dig. “Me bags in the forest somewhere, I’ve got to find it.”
Celestia chuckled. “No need. Come here a moment.” Kevin did as he was asked, and Celestia touched her horn to his shoulder and focused for a moment. Her horn lit up, and with a small flash Kevin’s bag appeared on the ground beside him. “This is it, I presume?”
Kevin blinked. That was a new one. “Yep,” he mumbled before opening the bag and sorting through to make sure everything was still there. Much to his surprise, the bag was lifted from his hands by the glow of Celestia’s magic.
“I apologise, but I must be sure you aren’t bringing anything illegal in to my kingdom. I’m sure you understand.”
In point of fact, Kevin did and was now desperately grasping at an explanation for some of the things in his bag. He watched, mind racing, as the Princess neatly laid out all of his possessions. His iPod and headphones, the rest of his carton of cigarettes, some spare lighter fluid, his straight razor, and finally a smaller black bag containing his... other smoking supplies. Celestia opened the bag, and out tumbled four joints, a Ziploc bag of loose marijuana, and a pack of papers. Celestia straightened out the small pile and then turned to Kevin with a raised eyebrow. “I think I understand what some of these things are, but I’d like you to explain everything for clarity.”
Kevin stepped up a picked up his iPod first. A quick check showed him it was still functional, had a full battery, and all of his vast collection of music was present. “This is an iPod,” he began to explain, “it stores music and plays it through these headphones.” To demonstrate, he walked over and placed an ear bud near Celestia’s ear and turned on the first relatively soft song he found. Celestia jerked her head away and stared at the small device.
“That is... strange. Something so small and yet it can store music? How many songs can it hold?” Celestia asked, one ear still ringing from the unexpected blast of sound.
“Hundred and sixty gigs,” answered Kevin, “which is one hell of a lot. Right now, I’ve got a few months worth of music on it.”
Celestia stared at the tiny device. Even to her that was a wonder, and the human was treating it like an everyday object. Perhaps she should have tried harder to win their game if this was the level of his cultures technology. Kevin next picked up the packs of cigarettes. “These are cigarettes. Simple little things.” Kevin demonstrated by taking his open pack and his lighter and lighting one up.
Celestia sniffed at the smoke, and wrinkled her nose. “Tobacco,” she began, “legal in Equestria but highly regulated and not very common. Pipes are the smoking method of choice here. I will explain the regulations on our return to Ponyville, if we both return.” Kevin nodded, and moved on to the next object.
He lifted the small container of lighter fluid and explained what it was, and Celestia nodded. Next was his first worry, the straight razor. Kevin opened the blade before he began to speak. “This here is a real little beauty, a straight razor. I use it to shave, and it’s sharp as hell. Don’t touch the blade if you don’t want to bleed.”
Celestia frowned, and plucked the small blade from the humans hand with her magic. She rotated the small object around, studying it intently, before lightly touching the sharpened blade to her leg. Moving the blade away, she was surprised to find a thin line of blood. “Very sharp indeed,” she began, passing the razor back to Kevin, “I would be very displeased if I should hear of this being used as a weapon.”
Kevin nodded in a reserved manner before closing the razor and moving on to the next object. He picked up the four joints and grinned nervously at the Princess. “These would be... uh, marijuana.” He paused, and Celestia noted his discomfort.
“I know what marijuana is Kevin. Don’t worry; it isn’t illegal for you to have.” The human let out a sigh of relief, but Celestia raised a hoof and he sucked it back in. “It is, however, even more regulated than tobacco. I’m unsure of your cultures use of it, but here some ponies brew it into a tea instead of drinking alcohol. Should I hear of you giving this to a minor, you would be in a great amount of trouble indeed.”
Kevin nodded, accepting the restrictions. “So you little ponies get stoned?” he asked, hoping to start a conversation.
“Stoned? That’s an interesting term. I suppose some of us do, on occasion. Some of us also use it as a medicine, and some others as religious tradition. What of your culture?” Celestia asked.
“Well, it aint quite legal where I’m from,” began Kevin. “People smoke it mostly to get high cause the government don’t hold to well with using it for medicine.“
Celestia raised an eyebrow, she seemed to do that a lot, and stared at Kevin. After a moment, Kevin realised what he had just admitted. “Fuck me...” he muttered.
“You’re willing to break laws then? A criminal?” asked Celestia, voice firm.
“I suppose I am,” answered Kevin, sensing that a lie wouldn’t go over well.
“Then allow me to make something clear. Equestria has very little crime, and I intend to maintain that standard. Should you remain here, you will abide by all Equestrian laws. Should you decide against that, then you will leave Equestria and never return. The rest of this world is not nearly so kind as Equestria, I would not expect you to survive for long.”
Kevin gulped. There was no sign of the happy Princess anymore. Celestia’s voice firm and cold, her eyes steeled. It was easy to see that this Princess took her duties very seriously, and her own opinions of a creature wouldn’t shadow her judgement. “Damn skippy ma’am, I’ll follow the law ma’am,” he eventually replied, bowing his head slightly in submission.
“Excellent!”
Celestia was beaming again, smile in place and voice musical. Kevin did his best to stop his hands shaking. He liked the Princess, but at the same time he was terrified of her. Such an affable personality, but there was cold steel hidden beneath. The human had the uncomfortable feeling that the Princess wouldn’t hesitate to kill him if she thought it was best for her subjects, and she would laugh and joke with him before she did.
“Now then Kevin, I believe our goal was to find where you arrived in Equestria?” asked Celestia.
“Yep. It’ll be where I left my backpack,” answered Kevin.
“That makes it simple then. Follow me, I know exactly where it is.”
Kevin nodded, packed up his few possessions, and followed the large winged unicorn into the forest.
Some ten minutes later, Kevin stared at the destruction he hadn’t noticed the night before. Trees with five foot thick trunks were snapped like tooth picks, the grass was white and crumbled with every step, and there were even a few dead animals in the circle of destruction. Celestia, for her part, gave a low whistle.
“I have rarely seen such intense magical damage. The grass and animals had the life literally sucked from them to fuel the spell, and the trees were broken by the back draft of your arrival. I’m sorry Kevin, but even if my sister, Twilight, and I worked together I highly doubt we would have the brute power to send you home.”
“So who the hell sent me here?” muttered Kevin, too shocked to fully clue in to what Celestia had said.
Celestia closed her eyes and frowned. “I would wager that it was The Creator. He is the only being I know of with this kind of strength.”
“And who the fuck is that?” asked Kevin.
Celestia hesitated for a moment before answering. “He is as his title. He creates, and we are his creations. He has been known to do things such as these before, for his own amusement.”
“So God,” snarled Kevin, “fuck that nonsense. There is no God.”
“I did not say God,” Celestia began again in a measured tone, “I said The Creator. He can’t really be called a god. A god meddles in everyday affairs, The Creator doesn’t. To be frank, The Creator made us and then kicked back to laugh at us, and when we fail to amuse him he provides us means to do so.”
Kevin snorted. “No different from the God people tried to sell me on back home.”
Celestia made an odd motion that could be considered a shrug. “You would have to ask him about such things.”
Kevin blinked. “Ask him? As in pray or some shit?”
“Not at all,” Celestia began cheerily, “If you wish, I can summon him when we return to Ponyville.”
Kevin blinked again. “You’re serious?”
Celestia smiled. “Of course. I know his true Name, I can call him whenever I please, and he is obliged to come. He may resist if he wishes, and should he do so he would easily overcome me, but he never has. He enjoys the opportunity to mock and torment ponies.”
“Sounds like a real charmer...” Kevin muttered.
“Much like you, in fact,” Celestia pointed out.
“Difference,” Kevin shot back, “I do not have god like powers. I’m just your average grade A asshole.”
“And if you did have such powers?” Celestia asked, eyes laughing.
“Give ‘em to me and we’ll find out,” was Kevin’s response, and Celestia shuddered.
“Absolutely not.”
Kevin just smiled, and walked off back towards Ponyville.