“I’M AS GOOD AS DEEEEEEAAAAAAAAD!” cried an errant Stallion, conveniently named Errant.
“SAVE ONLY THE THINGS YOU CARE ABOUT!” screamed a mare actually called Selfish.
“APPLES ARE THE WORST!” cried a mare throwing mad shade in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres.
“YOU’RE THE WORST!” returned fire a mare who was sick of someone turning down the heat.
“My god!” Exclaimed The Doctor. “Somepony hates somepony else from Hell!”
“Quite!” Discord said as he disappeared in a puff of smoke and appeared on Amethyst’s shoulder, no bigger than a horse hoof. “You must be Dearest Heart’s cousin. Oh, I’ve heard so much about you!”
“Is that so…” Amethyst replied dryly as she narrowed her eyes in suspicion at the pint-sized Lord. “What did she say, exactly?”
Discord’s head suddenly ‘poofed’ into a copy of Dearest’s, “…Oh… and I couldn’t possibly forget my dear cousin Amethyst Star! She practically lives with us and is so good at helping my husband and me with the kids! Plus, she helps us out in all kinds of other ways and has probably helped save the planet or universe at least half a dozen times!”
Amethyst couldn’t help but feel a bit perturbed by the sight of DH’s head at the end of Discord’s long neck. Though, it was nice that she was not an afterthought regarding DH telling the Lord of Chaos about her family. Wait, maybe that’s why he’s here! He wants to corrupt DH and the rest of us so we spread confusion and anarchy across Equestria!
There was a sink-shattering ‘Ka-Boom!’ from the kitchen that briefly shot caused flames to lick at the edges of the kitchen, more fiery cobs of corn to be ejected into the dining room area, and a black cat with green eyes to run past Amethyst’s legs.
Amethyst sighed. The family did not, in fact, own a cat, but THAT cat seemingly just was fated to show up every now and again. By the Wheel of Samsara, she swears she could tell the time in 24.80769230769231-minute intervals by how often that cat shows up.
Discord’s head, now thankfully ‘regular’ by what she remembered from school field trips to Canterlot, opened its word hole, “Is that cat a family pet?” IT, erm… hehe, HE asked.
“Uh… I erm… You know? I should check with Dinky or Cloud and Windancer…” Amethyst inhaled then shouted, “Hey, Dinky!”
“Blimey, Amethyst” The Doctor shouted back, clearing minding his Ps and. “D.H. the Second is a few bloody meters from you at the table!” he added, arbitrarily deciding to not mind his Ps and Qs, that jerk!
“Yes, Aunt Amethyst?” Dinky shouted back, matching Amethyst’s volume and tone perfectly.
“Do we own a cat?!” Amethyst shouted back, the conversation with her niece and her cousin-in-law now out decibels the cacophonous catastrophe that was going on in the kitchen.
Discord could feel the edges of his smile grow a bit further.
“Gee, no!” Dinky replied. “I think!”
The Doctor sighed. “That cat has been here for as long as you have Amethyst! It is your bloody cat!”
“Kuro Neko-Sama cares not for this extra dose of insanity!” hissed the cat.
“Children!” The Doctor exclaimed chipperly as he produced his sonic screwdriver, the blue glow and whirling sound filling the room as chairs and the wood paneling of the kitchen were used to create a makeshift dam.
“Not now, Dad!” exclaimed Ditzy as she hovered over her little sibs, gleefully observing the progress on their latest creations. “We’re doing science!” she exclaimed as her fuchsia-lighted, buzzing lightsaber of curved gold and a silver casing.
“We are making evil plates!” exclaimed Cloud.
Windchaser produced a small pillar of gears, circuits, crystals, and errant shimmering threads held up but naught but air and a whirl the sound of leaves in the wind.
The Timeline Abides
“We are making plates that hate!” exclaimed Windchaser.
“We are making plates that Hate!” protested Cloud, his clocklike arrangement of flat-ware, sword-shaped sonic screwdrivers that glowed like Hearths Warming and Christmas were having a decoration off.
“Sorry, sis!” Ditzy interrupted as the fushia glow of her screwdriver whirred like spinning hands on that thing that is her jam. “Bro’s order reads better!”
The Timeline Abides!
“We are making evil plates!” exclaimed Cloud.
“We are making plates that hate!” exclaimed Windchaser.
“Annhialpate! Annhialplate! AnniiLPATE!” screeched the plates.
“Oh, kitchen be a dammed!” cried the Doctor. “I want in on these hateful plates.”
“Oh, Amythest!” Dinky sang over the plateful hate. “We’re building the instruments of our potential demise because you lefty us out of your siiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiight!” she sang so hard the ambient light in the dining room diminished.
“I understand there is already enough purple in there!” Bellowed Discord.
The burning rag that had already begun the COBULATION into more COBS of COBtinual COBRight VIOLATORS! “It’s the little things, the little things, the little things that KILL! But all those little things, those little things are here to pay the bills!”
“I’m entertaining our guest!” replied Amethyst in a frustrated tone, the fushia aura of her horn opening a portal THROUGH space as she picked up the Staff of Corning and merely touched the tiny kernels of screaming fire rag COBS, which turned them into deliciously cooked cream corm which the COBs of the Kitchen of ‘OH MY ACTUAL C-O-B IS THAT WATER ON FIRE?!’ who realized they needed the COBoats of heads of things they did not COBBOBULATE and the COBS born of Dishwater Water and Oven Fire.
Glancing down with one eye, Discord began pointing at the COBs that were on the Marsh of Creamyness, electing the cooked from the creamy and making everything down there extra COBScreamy!
“No, father!” the COBS screamed, accidentally outing their maker.
Amethyst side-eyed Discord with anger and annoyance in her eyes.
Discord visibly gulped.
Through a terse smile as her staff of COB-De-Construction continued to CREAM all that it touched, Amethyst said, “Thank you for all the CORN, Lord of Chaos.”
Discord tossed a glance at the 4th wall, “Wait, have we met before?” he asked as he caught sight of a Pink Pony whose expression was somewhere between panic and wondering how many chili cook-offs would solve the problem on the floor. Pinkie waved at Discord, Discord flashed a claw of greeting back, Amethyst smiled with tourmaline orbs of ‘how fun was last night, party pony, and how fun is tomorrow night going to be?’ and greeted Pinkie with a breathtastic “Hi, Pinkie!”
“Uh, Hi Amy!” Pinkie greeted, “Just, how long is Muffins going to–?”
“Pinkie!” Greeted D.H. “I’ve invented the spagetta-Muffin!”
“WhaaaaaaAAAAAAAAaaaaaat?!” She crooned Winking at Amy on her way out and smiling in a ‘Hi, Dissy, how clean is your bedroom?’ at Discord, she scampered off from her black-white hisstastic hole in that, ‘someday that wall will be repaired’ wall of the hall and joined Discord in the kitchen.
“PARTY HORSE HAS JOINED THE MUFFIN-MAKING OPERATION!” Alerted She Co-Keeps all this Running.
“I have so many ideas that involve things that should be CREAMED and atmospheres that need to be cleaned of excess Chilli!” Err of Breath.
He who Co-Keeps this running sounded the Angels Attack Alarm for the benefit of the those who didn’t understand his wife was tiny-tad on the vindictive side.
And then Sunset Shimmer, E.B., and Justice of the Angelic Number 3442 ran into the kitchen in only a way people who were truly welcome could
Amethyst glanced at the cavalcade of helpers, and know that somehow, everything would be–
“HAVE AT THEE!” screeched Justice in a masculine tone. “IN MY COUNTRY WE DRINK YOU FOR FUN AND USE YOU TO KEEP OUR VEHICLES ON THE RUN!”
“Tis’ the Holy Mother of the COBBenING,” declared COBBeRiValist the Pulpiter declaring “Not every COBBing thing has to be about the Holy COB, yet we must COB to the BLIGHT of the COBBILISTS!”
“Hello, children!” exclaimed Justice.
“Holy number 26!” cried High Priestist COBRP. “Changing to Holy Number 27!”
“Wait…” said Amethyst. “What was that about Justice being the Holy COBBer?”
“But enough that!” dismissed Discord with a dismissive wave of his eagle talon, dismissing many COBI-Planes that had began to COBBALesc in the glowing atmosphere of the hallway increasing COBlering.
“I’m more concerned that Err has joined the fray in a delightfully corny way.”
Amethyst twerked her lips, “Well, to Err is to human!” Her gleaming tourmaline eyes pendulum swung from left to right. “Did I say that right?”
“What is a man!” Howeled Discord as Discord flicked his lion’s paw and a fishbowl stem-glass filled with red wine appeared. “But enough talk!”
And then an angry bat pony from a future Home-Again Home-Again Jiggity-Jig screamsplooded it prematurely.
“I needed that prop!” screeched Discord back at the bat.
“ALLONSY! YOU SHOULD HAVE REINFORCED THE CUPS!” The Doctor bellowed from his fortress of Dinatude!