Guy Talk
Episode 2
“I’m Snips.”
“I’m Snails.”
“I’m Spike and this is Guy Talk, where we objectify females in a society dominated by them for the sake of entertainment. We’re here once again with our producer, Vinyl Scratch, who has a very important announcement that she wouldn’t tell us until the show started.”
“Can you tell us already?” Snips asked.
“Alright, I’m only telling you guys now because I wanted the audience to hear you reactions. Do you remember my pegasus ex-boyfriend with the horn fetish?” The trio groaned as they were reminded of images of Vinyl Scratch doing something untoward with her horn filled their heads.
“How could any of us forget?” Snails said rubbing his face.
“I feel weird just thinking about it.” Snips cringed as the image crept into his head.
“Well, he’s heard of you guys and he’s not a fan. He sent a letter demanding we apologize for what he described as ‘rude and thoughtless statements mad against those who practice a perfectly acceptable sexual hobby’. That‘s about the gist of his letter to the station. So what do you guys think?”
“Is this guy for real?” Snips balked at the contents of the letter.
“What’s a sexual hobby?” Snails wondered aloud.
“He’s talking about his horn fetish and I think it’s completely ridiculous. First of all, nobody made any rude or thoughtless statements against ponies with a horn fetish. The only rude statements we made were because you asked Vinyl Scratch to stick part of her face into the dirtiest part of your body. I swear this guy is really full of himself.”
“Hey, Scratch! How’d this guy expect you to put your horn up his butt with that huge stick already up there?” Snails retorted.
“Whoa! Somepony call the fire department because that guy just got burned!” Snips shouted.
“Good one, Snails!” Vinyl Scratch laughed.
“I can’t believe it. I was worried about offending Bon Bon and Lyra and instead we offend some pervert who thinks asking his girlfriend to stick her horn in his butt is ‘perfectly acceptable’. You know what, Vinyl Scratch. Next time, you get into a relationship with somepony I want to meet them first.” Spike told the unicorn.
“I’m actually in a relationship already. She’s pretty uptight, but you’d like her.”
“Is she hot?” Snips inquired eagerly.
“Come on, Snips. Do you really think I’d date somepony who wasn’t?”
“I definitely want to meet her now.” Snails said excitedly.
“Settle down, fellas. We got more important things to worry about now. We got a request topic from a listener to deal with. Would Vinyl please do the honors and read our first listener question?”
“I think I need a countdown. How about it, Snips and Snails?” The colts looked at each other in excitement as Spike started to panic.
“You can’t be serious? Just read the question, Scratch!”
“No way, Spike! I think we got you outvoted. Let er’ rip, boys!”
“Wait a minute! Equestria isn’t a democracy. It‘s a monarchy.”
“All hail, Princess Scratch!” Snips yelled.
“Huh! That’s now how it works. At least, I don‘t think so.”
“Snips and Snails, your princess bids you to proceed.”
“You got it, your royalness!” Snails said saluting his new princess.
“Oh, dear Celestia! We’re going to do this every episode, aren’t we?” Spike buried his face in his palms and sighed.
“One.”
“Two.”
“Three!” They announced loudly as Spike groaned.
“Thanks, guys. Our question comes from Rodrigo of Mobius and he asks, “If you were stuck in a cave, which Element of Harmony would it be with?”
“You know a countdown is technically done backwards, not forward.”
“You know what, Spike is right. Should we do it again, guys?”
“NO! Let’s just get to the question, alright? I can only handle so much before my IQ drops a few points.” Spike said as he massaged his temples.
“Aww, this one’s easy. I’d just pick Twilight.” Snails answered.
“Why?” Snips inquired.
“Couldn’t she just use her magic to get us out of the cave? We‘d be out in an instant.” He explained.
“I don’t think you get it, Snails. He’s asking if you had to be stuck somewhere for a long time who would it be with. It’s not about getting out, but who you would want by your side if you were trapped.” Spike told him. Snips seemed to understand as he spoke up.
“Oh, I get it. Then I’d choose Fluttershy. She’s great at taking care of others. It might come in handy if I got hurt or sick.” Spike sighed as Snips missed the point as well.
“No, that’s not it either. He’s basically asking which pony you like the most.”
“Ummm…. What does that have to do with being trapped in a cave though?” Snips wondered aloud.
“It’s a hypothetical situation. You’re supposed to reveal which pony you like the most by answering that you’d want to be trapped with them.”
“I don’t get it.” Snails scratched his head in confusing.
“Yeah, why didn’t he just ask us which one we like the most?” Snips asked.
“Just answer the question!” Spike ordered them as his frustration reached new heights.
“I guess I’d have to pick Applejack then. I’ve always had a things for blondes and have you seen her bucking apples. Definitely a ten out of ten.” Snips said confidently.
“Hold on a second! Are you telling me that you stalk Applejack while she’s bucking apple trees?” Spike looked at colt with suspicious eyes.
“It’s not stalking! I just happen to see her sometimes is all.” The colt started to act rather nervously as Spike looked at him.
“So you just happen to be walking through the Apple Family orchard, which is huge by the way, and you just happen to catch Applejack bucking trees, which she does only at a particular time of the day. Is that what you’re telling me?” Spike made a convincing argument which put Snips in a corner.
“That does seem kind of suspicious.” Snails stated as he sided with Spike.
“Err… So Snails who’d you pick?” Snips quickly shifted the attention away from himself.
“Oh, I gotta go with Rainbow Dash. She’s so awesome.”
“She’s alright, but she doesn’t hold a candle to my pick.” Spike said as Snips and Snails groaned.
“We all know your pick, dude.” Snails rolled his eyes at the dragon’s statement.
“If my pick is so obvious, it’s only because she’s way better than both of yours.”
“I swear to Celestia if you say Rarity is hotter than Applejack, I will hurt you.”
“I just did. Weren’t you listening?”
“There’s no way Applejack or Rarity is hotter than Rainbow Dash anyway.”
“What! You’re both crazy! Rarity is the most beautiful pony ever. That‘s not an opinion. It‘s a fact!” The three of them stood up and slammed their appendages on the table as they glared at each other.
“Hey, guys! Before you throw down, I got Bon Bon on line one and she is not happy. How about we all just calm down and see what she has to say?” Vinyl Scratch’s suggestion seemed to have the desired effect as all three of them calmed down.
“Whatever.” They all said in unison as they sat back down.
“Okay, Bon Bon. I’m patching you through.”
“Hello, am I on the show?” She asked.
“Yeah, you’re talking directly to them now. Go ahead and tell them what you told me.”
“Good, I’ve wanted to talk to you for awhile now. Ever since your first episode, my life has been nothing but one huge problem. Do you have any the trouble you caused with your little discussion?”
“Listen, I’m sorry if we offended you and Lyra. We really didn’t mean any harm by it.” Spike apologized for the discussion but it didn’t seem to appease Bon Bon at all.
“You think I’m offended? I wish that were the case! The problem is Lyra.”
“Is she offended?” Snips asked.
“The problem is her horn! Ever since she heard you gushing over it, she’s been preening it nonstop since your show. All I hear all day is ‘Bon Bon, is there a spot on my horn?’ or ‘Does my horn look better from the left or the right?’. Don’t even get me started on how she spends all her time in the bathroom just cleaning the damn thing. I swear if I hear one more thing about her precious horn I’m going to lose it.”
“For the record, it looks just a little bit better from the right.” Snails answered.
“YOU’RE NOT HELPING!” The mare shouted causing feedback that made their ears hurt.
“Okay, we’re sorry, but what do you expect us to do about it?” Spike asked.
“This is your fault! You created this mess and you need to fix it. I’m putting her on now.”
“Whoa! How are we supposed to fix this?” Spike said looking to his friends.
“I don’t know but it seems like Bon Bon will be super pissed if we don’t.” Snips said scared at facing the earth mare’s wrath.
“Hello, is this Guy Talk?” Lyra’s voice appeared on the line.
“Hey, Lyra. Bon Bon told us you listened to our show. How’s it going?” Spike asked nervously.
“I was just taking care of my wonderful horn. I really owe you guys a lot. I never realized how it just brings my whole look together. I see you rolling your eyes, Bon Bon!” Lyra shouted.
“Yeah, that’s nice, but Bon Bon told us that you may be overdoing it just a tiny bit.” Snails pointed out.
“Don’t mind her. She’s just doesn’t understand the care that goes into maintaining such a spectacular horn.”
“That’s nice, but maybe you should ease up a bit. I mean you didn’t really need to do anything extra to begin with to get noticed in the first place.” Snips said.
“I guess you’re right. I was just doing it because well Bon Bon never compliments my horn and when you guys did it, I just wanted Bon Bon to say something nice about it.”
“Is that what this was all about? You just wanted me to compliment your horn. You know I love every inch of you from your hooves to your horn. Come here you.” Bon Bon and Lyra were close enough that the sounds of them making out over the phone could be heard as it fell to the floor. The three boys listened intently as they heard playful giggling and kissing coming over the line.
“Oooh! You’re so naughty, Bonnie!” The line suddenly went dead as Vinyl Scratch cut the call.
“Aww, what’s the big deal, Scratch?” Snips asked disappointed.
“It was just getting good.” Spike said crossing his arms.
“Sorry, guys. It’s about time to wrap things up. Besides there only so much we can air over the radio.”
“Yeah, I guess.” Snails sighed.
“I’d like to thank and apologize to everyone who listened except Vinyl Scratch’s ex who is an asshole in every sense of the word. This is Guy Talk signing off. Also Rarity is best pony.” Spike said quickly.
“Hey!”