"You don't know what a police officer is?" Angel was shocked. Leftover static electricity from teleportation can have that effect. She was also surprised. How could a pony- neigh- a Princess, famous for having an infinite, encyclopedic knowledge of absolutely everything not know about something as benign as an armed agent of justice? There was something inherently comedic or parody-like about the whole situation, Angel thought to herself.
Twilight blushed at Angel's bewildered expression. "Well, I've heard of them before," Twilight said. "My friend Rarity has mentioned them, usually when Applejack is present, but they never actually show up. You're the first one I've ever even met in real life!"
"What does this 'Applejack' do to warrant police presence?"
"Oh, she likes to wear galoshes or other working gear to our friends-dinner-nights at TCI Fry Day's, if she comes straight from work." Twilight paused. "Is there an official fashion police dress-code I should be aware of? Am I committing an offense?"
Angel facehoofed. This derelict town didn't even have an operating fashion police. But she put on a brave face, half-full of determination and half-empty of understanding. "I'm not an officer of the fashion police, but I am honored to be the first real police officer you've met." Despite the strange misunderstanding, Angel felt a heavy pressure building within, as her heart began racing. It's a marathon, not a sprint, she reminded her heart. No doubt, with this development, there could be a picture of her smiling in the next edition of the Equestrian dictionary under 'real police,' or 'official officer,' or maybe even 'brutality.' That would be nice.
Realizing that she was looking silly just staring into space, Angel tried to clear the misunderstanding. "I suppose if I had to compare my job to another, it's something like the Royal Canterlot Guard, only less 'Royal Canterlot' and more 'guard,'" she explained. "I could go on about the differences. We're actually useful, for one."
Far away, in the Crystal Empire, Shining Armor woke up in a cold sweat, clutching at his thundering heart.
"What's wrong, Shiny? You're white as a sheet. Of paper. Or snow." Cadance said.
"I... sensed a disturbance." Shining Armor said, breathless.
"Oh, no. Are you feeling sick at all? Drained of energy?" Cadance asked, in a cautious and suspicious tone. For a brief moment her eyes flickered green, but no one noticed.
"No, nothing like that. The only thing feeling drained is my sense of pride. For some reason."
"Then I'm sure it was just a bad dream. Get some rest, Shining Amour."
"No," he said, getting out of bed and heading for the door. "I think I'll take a quick walk first."
"Okay. Just watch your step out there. It's a bit icy."
"I see." Twilight nodded in understanding. "So what do you 'real officers' do on a daily basis?"
Angel easily recited a line from the official handbook. "Instead of protecting the princesses and the nation from foreign aggressors and malevolent avatars of primordial forces, we keep the peace on a domestic level. You know, stopping criminals from committing crimes, catching the ones that do."
Twilight kept looking at Angel, pretending to understand. Unfortunately, Twilight wasn't a terribly strong actor, so Angel considered using some of the more catchy slogans spouted around the station. "The best way to fight crime is to prevent it from happening in the first place."
Still nothing. The bottom of the barrel was being scraped now. The bottom being where all the bad apples sink to, like her ex-patrol-partner, Mane Gretzky, and his psuedo-inspirational one-liners. "You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don't take," Angel rubbed her head, "um..."
"So you're like a detective, who also plays horse-hockey?" Twilight's memory of the triple-threat dessert mystery on the Friendship Express brought a smile to her face and a rumble to her gut. "That sounds like fun! More fun than buckball, anyways." She was still sore about not being chosen to be designated catcher.
"Not exactly." Angel said, making Twilight's ears droop in disappointment. "Fun is unprofessional. Funprofessionalism is grounds for demotion, actually." Angel thought back to a particular incident when officer Judy Clops got nailed back to rookie status for playing fetch-the-shock-baton with officer Doggie Biscuit. Officer Biscuit's patrol dog was the one who filed the complaint. Suffice it to say, Doggie Biscuit is more of a cat-lover now. Just the way the biscuit crumbles.
"In any case, detective work is very different from a beat cop's duties."
"That's too bad," Twilight said. "I don't think the beets are going to be in any trouble, though. Everypony in Ponyville is crazy about apples! Speaking of which, I was just on my way to Sweet Apple Acres right now. You're free to join; I can introduce you to the Apple family, and we can have apple tarts, apple butter, apple pie-"
Angel squeaked, leaping at the utterance of that accursed word, shielding herself from phantom pastries.
"...you okay?" Twilight reached out and laid a hesitant hoof on the terrified pony's head.
"Bluhh, guhh." Angel sputtered, collecting her senses. She was only a few away from having a complete set. 'Humor' and 'Common' are hard to come by, after all.
"I'm fine. I'm fine."
Twilight raised a skeptical eyebrow.
"Fine. I'm not fine." Angel said coarsely. "I had a little incident involving p... pie recently." Sense of dignity, revoked.
"Oh. You don't have to have any, if it would be an issue. Uhh..."
"Regardless, I don't have time to dawdle. My duty is to report to the station first." Sense of responsibility, check.
Twilight frowned. "Oh, that's too bad. We'll have to catch up later- I want to learn all about police work, after all." Twilight said as she took to the skies.
Angel sighed as she saw the Princess of Friendship fly off into the far distance, and couldn't help but feel a little guilty. Not a large guilty, though. She looked to the right, and to the left, and up, and down. Then at the camera.
"Where is the station?"
As Twilight soared through the calm morning skies, a troubling thought nagged at her obsessive mind, like a typo that goes unetided.
"An issue with pies, huh? How strange. I feel like there's somepony I should warn."
After following a lonely dirt path for what seemed like a whole five minutes, Angel found herself in Ponyville proper. She found it to be quite improper as she surveyed the town from above. Where was the concrete? Chariots? Street signs? Street beggars? Gray circles of chewed gum? Barred windows?
Celestia, this town wasn't in the stone age. It was in the dirt age.
The weight of the universe was threatening to come crushing down on the police officer. She had never spent any time outside of the hustling, bustling, disgustling city. What was a pony dedicated to fighting crime to do in a hick town with no civilization? She could feel herself slipping, sliding, falling into a whirlpool of rural furor. Here was a poverty of poverty, a deficiency of efficiency, a township of townshi-
WHOOSH
The world spun like a candy floss as a rainbow-colored streak blew past.
"Sorry!" It said, already distant.
Though rattled, something flipped a switch in Angel's head. The synapse fired. The button mashed. The dial turnt.
"Stop- " she announced, flaring her wings to the sides, "-in the name of the law!"
With a mighty burst of dust and gusts, the agent of the law took flight.
Rainbow Dash was late! She was supposed to meet with Pinkie Pie in five minutes at Sugarcube Corner to help with some new cupcake recipe that was supposedly 'to die for,' but got distracted doing wingtip push-ups, mouth pull-ups, and frog massages. Fluttershy told her about that last one, and boy were her frogs grateful.
Flying low to the ground, she sped up to make up for her mess up. Turning a corner at breakneck speed, she narrowly missed breaking the neck of a distraught and muddy pegasus. She looked like she just missed a Wonderbolts performance with special guest performer Daring Do. That would be so awesome. Not to miss it though. It would be awesome if it happened. Oh well. Not her proble-
"Excessive speeding! Pull over! WEEWOOWEEWOO!"
What the hay? Rainbow looked back over her shoulder, only to see the very same distraught pegasus as before. Only now, she looked pissed off and was chasing after her at immense speed. And was making strange noises?
"WEEWOOWEEWOO!"
"Yikes!" Rainbow sped up even more. This strange new pony was crazy. Crazy fast! Not as fast as her, of course, but pretty fast. Like, twenty percent slower than herself.
"WEEWOOWEE- ack! Pbleh!" Angel coughed and sputtered, and made a mental clay tablet engraving to get a new siren as soon as equinely possible.
The two rounded another bend when Angel saw her prey- erm- culprit dash in through the front door of what looked like a giant dessert fused into a building. She made a note to call in a health inspector, building inspector, and an exterminator. Supersweets breed superpests, after all. And there was no doubt there would be superpests in a place called Sugarcube Corner.
Going from a hundred kilometers an hour to zero in one second is quite difficult, but entering private property to conduct policework without a warrant? Impossible. The speeding officer slammed on her superbrakes, skidding to a spectacular stop at the steps of the shop. Bystanders stared, scared, as she caught her breath. But there was still something, someone, left to catch.
With confidence, Angel ruffled her feathers, giving the door a couple hard knocks. Law and Order would be proud. Not that their acceptance meant anything to her. Those sycophants could make even an elephant sick.
When there was no response, she reconsidered her plan of action. It would take a while to find a battering ram, but maybe she could find a hungry ram and tell him there's batter he can eat inside the building instead. Or cut through the cookie roof with a cookie cutter, and eat some shingles while she's at it. Her mouth began watering at the sight of the rocky road. Why did everything look so appetizing?
Angel grumbled. She hadn't eaten anything since being forcibly transported away from Trottingham. Can't chase a culprit and formulate an infiltration on an empty stomach. One or the other, on a good day. But where could she find someplace to eat around here? Maybe she could find a Hay and Chips shop. Oh, who was she kidding? This backwoods little village probably didn't even have a Burger Princess, or even a Burger Peasant.
"Hey there! Want to come in and buy something?"
Angel looked up to see a pink-on-pink pony peering preposterously proximal to her personal position. From inside Sugarcube Corner, Rainbow Dash poked her head out.
"Uhh, Pinkie, you might want to stay away from her," the offending speedster said.
"Um," was all Angel could say before the pink pony gasped.
"YOU'RE NEW! A NEW PONY!" Pinkie Pie shouted in joy. "What're you here for? What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Mine is all of them at the same time, but mostly cherry chimichanga. You look a lot like Rainbow Dash, but your hair isn't a rainbow, unless you were colorblind and saw all the colors like they were yellow, that would be funny when you're looking at a streetlight, it would be like 'I gotta speed up to catch this light!' all the time, but that's how I always am all the time anyway, by the way, what's your name? I'm Pinkie-"
"Oh, see-" Angel tried to get a word in edge ways, but there was no stopping the pain train. Nor the volley trolley.
"OC? That's a funny name, is it a pony name, or a griffin name, or a changeling name? I know this one changeling named Ocellus, and that's kind of similar, are you related? That-"
"Wait, stop. You know a changeling? And you're on first-name basis?"
Pinkie bounced. "Yup! We're teaching them friendship now. Everycreature is learning about friendship, thanks to Twilight's new school."
Angel grimaced. Consorting with savage tribes? Everycreature? What's next, proper pronouns? She was getting unreasonably hungry. I mean angry. Unseasonably angry. Fudge.
"Okay. I am starved, Pinkie." Angel said. "Do I have permission to enter your establishment?"
"Of course, you silly filly, no need to ask, cause everypony is welcome here! Just watch out for that trapdoor in the floor."
"Trap wha-" and suddenly Angel was plummeting down, down, down.