My Own Sins

by New-found-brony

Achieving Peace

30 minutes in, and my thoughts haven't showed a single sign of stopping. I flew over Canterlot about 3 times already, so I went out a little farther from the city walls, into the forest. It's beautiful at night. Most of the time, at least. Tonight, I don't feel the same way about it. It just looks dead. Dark. Fear-ridden. It doesn't want to invite me in, like I'm some sort of disease. Regardless of the feeling about it, I swooped down towards the ground, slowly transitioning to a walk. The dark trees seemed to take me hostage as I entered the forest.

The trees sheltered me away from the rest of the world as I continued through the forest. The little pebbles did nothing to effect my thoughts. I didn't even bother lighting my horn up.

You...

Stop. Shut up. I'm not letting that creep into my head. The thought has drained at me for weeks, ever since the cut. I had to stop and drop my head down. I let it pass, then resumed walking. Trees and rocks passed. Bushes with berries stained the ground. At least, I think they're berries...

I decided not to think about it. I already had too much on my mind anyways. Fortunately, the question did stop asking. Unfortunately, it cost me something valuable. Knowledge. Insight of the future. Surprisingly, the forest felt more comforting now. I can't explain how, but I felt as if some sort of concern was finally relieved. It felt more peaceful, as if waiting for something. When the forest feels this peaceful, you yourself have to feel better about whatever your feeling. It was a soothing feeling, as if I was what it was waiting on, seeing what I was going to do.

The sun started to rise up, puncturing the darkness. My time to leave, it seems. Yet... I didn't want to. I decided to fly up toward a cloud, not too big, not too small, just enough to fit myself onto it. It held me perfectly. Most don't know this, but when a Pegasus or Alicorn is picking their cloud, they have to make sure that it's dense enough to hold them so they don't fall through. Foals don't have a problem with this, as they're not heavy enough to fall through any cloud.

I remember when Twilight Sparkle got her wings. She went to go stand on a cloud that wasn't stable enough and fell straight though the cloud. Her reasoning was because when she casted the spell for her and her friends to go watch the Best Young Fliers Competition, they could walk on the clouds just fine. What she didn't know was that Cloudsdale had to find all the clouds that could hold them. Apparently, Unicorns and Earth ponies aren't taught that Pegasi have to make sure a cloud is able to hold them and how the need the clouds to make their floating cities.

Anyways, the cloud felt soft, as most do. Some don't, but that's another topic for another day. I closed my eyes, smelling the pine from the trees below. The light slowly lit up my cloud in its orange color, only for the back side to be dark. Resembles me and Celestia, just a little bit. Celestia rising the sun to take care of my night. I'll do it at night. We may both rule over Equestria, yet we rule over two very different kingdoms. Of course, here light is much more popular to work and play in, while mine is used to sleep in.

Classic Celestia, being the more popular. It hurts me. Make me feel less about myself. It gets to the point where sometimes I contemplate about leaving. I obviously would still have to raise the moon, just, I'd have to do it alone. I think that would make me feel better, not having to think about anything else other than raising the moon.

And feeding myself.

And protecting myself.

Other than that, it's pretty easy to live away from civilization. Something about it just feels right. But... I can't be selfish like that. Ponies need me, barely, anyways. The only thing they need from me is to protect them from their nightmares, which I can technically do from anywhere. Whatever, I'm not leaving. I need to stay here. Celestia would come find me if I left anyways, and then Equestria would be without a ruler.

Wait. Shit. I'm forgetting something. I need to be doing something right now, just... what? I looked at the sunrise, hoping it would remind me of what I'm missing. I turned back towards Canterlot, trying to find the problem. Over the tops of the houses, I noticed the big, gray ball in the sky. Damn it I thought to myself. I quickly stood up from my cloud and started to lower the moon. I concentrated, since it's it a really heavy thing. I felt something change about my body, but I decided to ignore it. It lowered slowly, yet just a little faster the sun rising to catch up on missed time.

The moon was getting lower in the sky, barely touching the horizon, when the sun felt brighter than usual. It's never happened before. I started wondering what in hell Celestia was doing. This isn't normal for her, and that is saying something. In any case, the light kept getting into my eyes, distracting me.

CRACK!

I looked down quickly, to see what just happened. I saw nothing. Absolutely nothing that could cause that loud of a sound. I don't know why, but that broke me. I have no explanation. I just, cried out, cried as if nothing else in world mattered. I stopped lowering the moon and sat down to cry into the sunrise. I thought of everything that's happened in my life. Being young, playing with Celestia, the start of our rule of Equestria, my betrayal against Equestria, Twilight and her friends saving me. Every memory played rapidly in my head. I cried out to the world with no pony to hear. Maybe that's why I broke. I needed help now, I knew it, but now I'm not near anypony that could listen to me.

I... I couldn't stand it. I knew why my body felt like it changed. It's because it did. When I was lowering the moon, I must've subconsciously casted the spell to bind my wings. My mind took control.

No pony likes you...

No pony will even notice if you're gone...

Just end it. No pony with care...

And... I acted on these thoughts. I looked down, towards the forest. I took one step forward. Then I fell. Fell so long to regret it. I couldn't do anything then. It was too late. My hoof hit the ground, sending pain straight to my head. Yet, I didn't even get to process it. Everything went black. Nothing.

My time had come.

Author's Note:

Hello anyone who is reading this. I just want to say that if you are struggling with suicidal thoughts that you should not act on them. People love you, do care for and are willing to fight for your life if you can't yourself. I want anyone in the comments to help someone who is struggling with these thoughts, just talk to them. You don't have to be a therapist, you just need to be willing to listen to their thoughts. It can save lives.
This story is dedicated to the family of a girl who recently took her own life from my sister's school. They may not know me, nor anything about this story, but it is still dedicated to them. I couldn't imagine what they had to go through when she ended up on the thoughts that she should kill herself.
If you need to talk, feel free to talk to me.