iAmSiNnEr
Joined 9th Jun, 2020 ·
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dang this was a good emotional piece. i feel like it isn’t too short, its just enough to give us vignettes of Moondancer’s life. i like how we can see her kind of fall apart there. thank you for writing this! I'm glad my art inspired you :> good stuff :D
I dig the way you’ve voiced Moondancer here; there’s some wry, depressed wit underpinning her narration, and some genuinely clever wordplay. “Literally under the wing of Princess Celestia” caught me by surprise. Pleasantly so.
But I’m struck by just how... little there is here. Despite a rich character voice, the actual content of the story feels bare-bones. It mostly reiterates stuff that the reader already knows, either from Amending Fences, or from your own narration. Moondancer feels abandoned; Moondancer feels like she can’t compete with Twilight’s friends. Once you’ve established those points, the rest of the story just repeats them.
I think you were trying to convey Moondancer’s deepening feelings of depression, isolation, and worthlessness, but it doesn’t feel like anything’s being deepened, or anything’s progressing. It’s just her telling us, again and again, that she feels depressed and worthless, with new examples informing why with each scene break.
It’s a good bit of characterization, don’t get me wrong. Just, I would have liked to see that character-writing used in service of a stronger narrative.