A Spike D. Joint
A pair of pegasi hovered in front of a backdrop of forests and fields of flowers across rolling hills, stretching off in the the distance. It was quite a nice backdrop, and had taken the background ponies most of a week to get it right.
The blue pegasus was energetically telling a story to the yellow-and-pink one. "So we banked around the last bend in the canyon, and she was, like zroom, and I was like, zroom, less than a second behind her, but the finish was only half a mile away. So then I did my Rolling Scissors!"
"Cut!" yelled a little purple dragon. The cameras stopped rolling. "Rainbow. Honey. What did I say about improvising?"
The sky-blue pegasus drooped her head in shame. "I'm sorry, Spike" she said so softly she could barely be heard. "I'm not trying to. I just get all these flying terms mixed up."
The other pegasus flapped over and hung in the air in front of Rainbow like an oversized, angry hummingbird. "Urgh! Scissors have two parts! So a rolling scissors takes two ponies! It's right in the name, Rainbow, how hard can it be to remember? And it's to slow down, not to speed up! It's, like, the first thing you learn in flight school."
"I missed the first week of flight school," Rainbow said apologetically. "Mr. Flopsy was sick."
"Please, darling, say what they want you to say so we can finish this and I can get out of this dreadful get-up," said an orange earth pony in a cowboy hat. "I just know my hair's going to set this way permanently if we have to stay in-character for another minute."
"Don't throw an axle, sugarcube," said a white unicorn with a deep-purple and heavily-curled mane. "A nice respectable ponytail ain't gonna hurt your hair. At least it don't itch like this here makeup that I hafta wear because some ponies like the stuff," she said, glaring at Applejack. She wrinkled her nose, then shook herself and bucked the air in discomfort.
"Girls, girls!" Pinky-Pie said. "We're all reasonable, grown-up ponies. I know that we can do a wonderful job here if we all pull together. Don't you agree, Twilight?"
"Eeyup," said Twilight.
"By Blueblood's blistering balls, I don't wanna hear it," Spike said. "You six bicker worse every week. You may be the Elements of Harmony out there, but on my set you are my actors! Do your acting here, leave the drama at home. Go to your damn spa and mud-wrestle each other if you have to. When you come here, get professional or get out. Don't think you can't be replaced. Remember what happened to Derpy. Places, everypony." He clapped his hands.
A large, bright-red earth pony with orange freckles and mane chose that moment to step forward. "If I may, Mr. Spike, point out that Rainbow's motivation in this scene is problematic because you omitted the earlier scene with Pinkie Pie that was meant to establish that Rainbow's bravado regarding the cupcake-eating contest was overcompensation for her inner doubts."
Spike looked away and glared around the set, everywhere and at everypony but Big Mac. "Why is there a writer on my set?" he demanded. "Will somepony please get this writer off my set? You," he said, pointing to the grip and his best pony. "Add 'pest removal' to your list of duties."
The grip and best pony looked at each other doubtfully. "Don't think the union would like that," the grip said. But Big Macintosh had already retreated hastily behind the lamps.
Rainbow flubbed her lines again on the next take, and somepony on the crew tripped over an extension cord on the third. It was half an hour before they had a decent take and could move on to the next scene.
"Now where the hell is Celestia?" Spike said.
"Uh... Diablo 3," said Spike's assistant, an older light-brown mare with a gray mane and horn-rimmed glasses.
"You have gotta be kidding me. She just finished Skyrim last week. Doesn't her contract say we can make her go to video-game rehab between episodes?"
"Um, yes... with the approval of the local representative of the crown, which would be... her."
"Oh, Luna rape me with her horn. Remind me to fire my lawyer. Go pull the plug on her game and get her over here."
"But... but she's, you know, the Goddess."
"Tell the Goddess to get her plot over here if she still wants to be my actress," Spike said.
"You got bigger problems, boss," the gaffer said, stepping forward. "Moneybags is here."
"Luna's love-juice!" Spike said. "Get Celestia while I deal with this."
He walked over to the trailer that said "DIRECTOR'S DEN" on the door and went inside, getting a blast of cold air. The producer liked the temperature set at 60, Spike preferred it at 90; so they always compromised on 60. The producer was waiting in Spike's recliner, hunched over like a vulture because he was about twice as tall as the dwarf dragon, wearing the same dark glasses he always wore even though the trailer had no overhead lights.
"Mr. Cord," Spike said. "Great to see you. So glad you could spare the time."
"Anything for you, Spike," the producer said suavely. "So how are things on set?"
"Wonderful, marvelous, the girls are great," Spike said. "This episode is gonna be the best yet, I tell ya."
"Really? I thought I heard a little arguing. We wouldn't want any discord between the Elements of Harmony, now, would we? Quite a national security risk, that would be."
"They're just spirited," Spike said. "That's a good thing, in a pony or an actor. Although.... since you mention it, there may be a tiny problem with the casting."
Mr. Cord's outrageously-long, mismatched eyebrows rose in alarm. "Oh, dear. That is a problem. What fool chose to get them to play themselves? Wait, I remember - I did!"
"Yeah, well, it's just that the changes you insisted on, kind of swapped their characters around a little, if you get my drift. If they could act more like themselves instead of like each other, I think things would go a lot more smoothly."
Mr. Cord shook his vertiginously-long neck. "Now, now, Spike. We've been all over that. Fluttershy is too pretty to be a tomfilly, Applejack is too plain for her vanity, and nopony will ever take a bright-pink pony seriously as an intellectual. That's why I'm a producer - I understand these things. Audience surveys, focus groups, A/B testing! Anyway, we're already filming the third season. We can't change the characters now. The audience would go positively berserk!" He clapped his - hands? Claws? - together and cackled. "However. We could replace them with different actors. Oh, yes, that's a good idea, Spike. I'll make some calls." He reached for Spike's phone.
"No - no, wait! The girls are great!" Spike said. "You'd be messing with the - whattya call it - the gestalt. The holistic... The qi. Whatever. What I mean is, Mr. Cord, you got a great set of mares here, the best."
"Well," Mr. Cord said doubtfully, "if you say so. You are the director. I just don't want to put you under any stress, dealing with sub-par actors. Oh, and by the by, we need this episode in the can on Wednesday instead of Saturday."
"WEDNESDAY?" Spike burst out. "We can't... we'd have to film all night! Have you heard of a thing called post-production?"
"Yes, I believe it's a thing where you fix the mistakes caused by inferior actors and directors. But that shouldn't be a problem, should it, Spike? I hope not. Because I absolutely, positively, need. It. By. Wednesday." He stood up, cutting off Spike's retort. "I'm so glad we could have this little conversation."
Spike grunted under his breath, trying to hold back the flames as he watched the producer walk away with his odd, lopsided gait. He stomped back to the set, which was still short one Celestia.
"Bastard wants the final cut on Wednesday," he told his assistant. "I swear, you'd think he was trying to drive us all stark raving mad." He stepped into the center of the set, raised his arms over his head to make the unpleasant announcement, belched flames, and waited for the talking to stop.
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Fun fact: Spike was originally going to be played by Danny DeVito, but they decided he was too tall for the part.
Best pony is best pony.
100 deviantart points to the first reader who can figure out what the title of the production is on the clapboard in the picture. (Won by Path_of_cloud.)
You know what this story needs?
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f3/Nicolas_Cage_-_66%C3%A8me_Festival_de_Venise_(Mostra).jpg/220px-Nicolas_Cage_-_66%C3%A8me_Festival_de_Venise_(Mostra).jpg
so.much.win
"A large, bright-red earth with orange..."
Missing a word there? Otherwise a good job.
771252
Oops! Fixed.
ERMAGERHD
Best story since Celestia Hates Tea.
"Go to your damn spa and mud-wrestle each other if you have to."
i.imgur.com/T9hn7.png
Lol funny cant wait for next chapter.
love the doctor horrible refernce
anyways, here's my read of this
http://youtu.be/2uON4X1RUvI
771882
This guy records one fanfic every day! He's done 156 so far.
Nice Big Mac voice. "Vertiginously" is a word. I'm just the first person ever to use it.
Incredible. Impossibly, irreversibly and borderline flavorful you were able to turn the whole story into a mish-mash mirror-verse and still maintain the chief humor. The story was a good, enjoyable read for its format and I have to say that the length is just right for a leisurely walk through relaxing literature. You managed to capture essence and reverse it surprisingly well, given the format you had chosen, and I have to say that you marvelously executed the fourth wall meta-discussion into the cast with much aplomb.
I usually have some negative points, but save for some minuscule character issues and the lack of an expanded base of character platforms and the unnaturally forced insertion of a Diablo 3 exchange, which itself was only two or three lines or so, there's nothing majorly bad about this; nothing substracts from my wholesome enjoyment of a quick read of this from the story enough to raise my ire. Good job.
I really, really don't get it, I can't find a story in it, I just read some events and some adult language..
What happened? What did they achieve?
Not to be rude but I don't feel like it is finished yet.
779399
It is finished. It doesn't have a traditional plot structure. It presents a strange and humorous situation, and then explains that situation by revealing who the producer is and what he's trying to accomplish.
Had me laughing my flank off so freaking hard
You did PERFECT! I was seriously impressed by this awesome humor story and how nobody save for Spike and Discord was themselves, I loved this! Ha....Big mac acting like Twilight, I was rolling on the floor with tears in my eyes....Hahahahahahahaha
Celestia Over Equestria I believe is your production title. That or Celestia Cruel Equestria, the middle word is hard as fuck to read.
Also very funny. Loved the role reversal and swearing.
788524
So close! Hint: Shipping Costs.
789071 Celestia Does Equestria
789131
Indeed! PM me with your deviantart username, if you have one, and I'll send you the coveted ONE... HUNDRED... POINTS!
realtalkcf.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/dr-evil-1-million-dollars.jpg?w=255
(Worth about eighty U.S. cents.)
790949 Path0of0Cloud for the DA username. A PM seemed pointless everyone who wants to seems to find me anyways; I keep meaning to connect to connect the accounts.
Anyways, very cool. I'm surprised no one else had tried though. Also, thanks.
...what.
This is...
...
Quite funny. Although, the character swapping could have been a bit more tactically ironic and referential. Also, is it "Celestia Does Equestria"?
773026 I'm glad there's nothing majorly bad about it. What did you mean by "the lack of an expanded base of character platforms"? I haven't played Diablo 3, so now I'm curious what the Diablo 3 exchange is.
1162856 Yes, it's "Celestia Does Equestria". Congrats! But Path_of_cloud already won the points. What do you mean by "tactically ironic and referential"?
1169436
Just a pretentious way of saying that I would have preferred some of the personality swaps to be different so that they make sense in a round about way.
I remember reading this. I don't know how to feel about it. Your 'story style' and your 'personal style' seem to be wildly divergent. (Or maybe I just haven't read any of your really old blog-stuff.)
2400388 If the story didn't make you laugh, it failed. I don't think I have a story style.
2401008 Good news there: I distinctly recall *snerk*-ing back when I read it. It's not "stick-in-your-mind" memorable, but it is "let's see here, what is... oh hey, I remember that one! It kinda sucked." memorable. (Which is not to make a judgment on the story by phrasing it that way, although that happens to be accurate to my feelings about it.)
I can't really contest that. Your blog/comment style (from what I can tell) is friendly, confoundingly reasonable, cool-uncle "hey look at this neat thing you can do with computers and SCIENCE!" For your writing style, however, I basically only have this, Severious Spike (which, as a writing experiment apeing another's style, doesn't quite count), and Pony Tales to work with -- a distressingly small sample size. FWIW I liked Pony Tales the best (with the approximate exception of the poem one, but I can chalk that up to "I'm just not that into poetry").
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This is amazing. My only complaint is that it is too short. I would have loved it if you made a humongous story out of this, it would be the best comedy piece on this site.
I have but one last thing to say to you, my good sir:
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I see what you did with the chapter title