Romance for Dummies and the Otherwise Evolutionarily Hopeless

by J3sterking

It's a Date

Derpy held up the white dress to herself, looking at her reflection. She couldn't see it very well, and had broken the mirror ages ago, but it still helped somewhat. "Um, Lyra," she said, "I thought this was just a casual thing..."

Not to mention she hadn't even told Lyra...or invited her into her house.

"We're just all excited for you!" Lyra said. "We all know you've been wanting this for a while."

Derpy grimaced. "I mean, I have," she admitted. "But, uh...have...has everyone been watching us?"

"Of course. Your, like, two of the most popular people in school," Bon-Bon said.

"I thought she was more popular than Rainbow Dash," Lyra said. "But mostly because Rainbow Dash thinks she's good at everything."

"Well, she is," Derpy said.

"Honestly, that just makes it worse," Bon-Bon scoffed. "Like she's judging you for your every flaw."

"Like you feel so inadequate when she's around," Lyra agreed. "Like your every flaw is just highlighted for everyone to see."

"Really? I have lots of flaws, but I've never felt like that," Derpy said, holding her chin in thought. Why was that?

"W-well, you should try on the dress," Bon-Bon said.

"I don't know," Derpy said. "I never feel right accepting Rarity's gifts."

"She lives to give, D.D," Lyra said. "Don't worry about it."

"Well, alright," Derpy said. "But I don't want to pressure Flash."

"Oh, don't worry. Word on the street is he was getting dressed up, too," Bon-Bon said. "He had Rarity get him dressed in his Sunday best."

"Really?" That was something she hadn't expected. Maybe she'd accidentally stressed him out and he was trying to over-compensate?

"Really really," Bon-Bon said. "So quit worrying about it! Just put it on!"

"Okay...here we go." She began pulling off her shirt, but the doorbell rang.

"Oh, shoot! He's unfashionably early!" Lyra gasped. "You get dressed, I'll distract him!"

"Why distract him?" Derpy asked, but Lyra was already out the door.

---

Flash had, in the end, pulled his second-best shirt out of his wardrobe. Rarity had foisted a ridiculous, three-piece suit with diamonds sewn into the fabric--a technique she had learned from her inter-dimensional doppelganger.

Flash had only a couple of talents. One of them was knowing when it was too much. He'd gone for a simple leather jacket and somewhat fancy-looking shirt. He had put a rose in it, and that was the only concession Rarity was getting.

He knocked on the door. He heard muffled shouts--which was odd, because he thought Derpy just lived alone with her mother.

Lyra Heartstrings opened the door.

"Oh, hi, Flash, what's up?" she said, with the fakest grin he'd ever seen plastered on her face.

"Nothing much. Just going to take Derpy on a date." He raised an eyebrow. "Which you knew about?"

"Whaaaat? How would I know that? Am I psychic like Pinkie--"

"Not psychic!" Pinkie Pie shouted from inside.

Lyra jerked her head, looking over her shoulder, then turned back to Flash. "So," she said. "How've you been?"

"Better that I quit moping about Sunset, worse with a certain someone blocking off the doorway to my date," he said. "Should I...just leave, then?"

"No, no, no--she's waiting on you!"

"Then can I come in?" Flash asked.

"Never!" Lyra declared.

"Lyra," Flash said, patience thinning. "What is going on?"

"Oh, nothing."

"So let me in."

"No."

Flash face-palmed. "Okay, look. I asked Derpy on a date, right?"

"Yeah, we both know that."

"So, we are going to go, together, to a pre-determined place to hang out," he said.

"I know what a date is," Lyra snorted.

"So, I should say hi to her, greet her, and then take her out," Flash continued.

"Yeah, of course!"

"So can I come in?"

"Never in a million years," Lyra said.

"Okay, I'm dressed!" Derpy called out.

"Thank God," Lyra whispered, stepping aside. Flash stepped past her, looking to Derpy.

And his jaw dropped to the floor.

Derpy stood, hair done up. She wore a beautiful white dress, with a golden lacing along the bust and sleeves, and down to the waist. The skirt came down to her ankles, where diamonds swung gracefully. Around her throat was a beautiful diamond necklace.

"Where in the hay did Rarity get all these diamonds?" was the first thing out of his stupid, traitorous mouth.

"I think from Equestria?" Derpy said, looking down at herself. "Hope she doesn't crash the diamond market."

"Eh, it's all inflated prices, anyway," Flash said, scuffing one shoe against the floor.

"Whatever happened to your Sunday best?" Bon-Bon asked, peeking from behind Derpy.

"I said 'just a Sunday shirt'," he said. "And then Rarity held me hostage until I accepted a five-hundred dollar suit."

"So...you want to just be...casual?" Derpy asked.

"Of course. That...I'm going to be honest, that hardly looks like you," he said. "I'm fine with you, however you look."

Derpy let out a sigh of relief. "I'm glad. I don't think those diamonds would survive the night."

"Wait, what are--"

Derpy grabbed the dress by the throat. Lyra screamed, jumping and tackling Flash. Being half his size with the build of a malnourished willow, she bounced off and merely clung to his shoulders.

Derpy ripped the dress off, revealing shorts and a tank top beneath, as well as impressively muscled arms. In the far distance, Flash heard Rarity let out one of her patented shrieks as Derpy gave the dress to Bon-Bon, then shook her hair loose. The pins fell to the floor, clattering.

"Give me a second to get my biking jacket!" Derpy said excitedly, closing the door to her room. It slammed shut on Bon-Bon's hair, but leaving her trying to tug it free fruitlessly, unwilling to drop Rarity's expensive dress.

Derpy bounced past, running to a closet and pulling out a black leather jacket. She slung it over her shoulders, then handed Flash a men's necklace.

He held it up, looking at the topaz in it.

"Rarity gave us matching necklaces," Derpy explained, pointing to her diamond one. "Lyra told me to give it to you."

"You weren't supposed to tell him I told you to!" Lyra said.

"Oh. Well, someone told me to give you that necklace," Derpy said with a smile.

"Oh, thanks," Flash said. "It's nice." Wow. Smooth like jazz, ya moron, he thought angrily at himself.

"Well, come on!" Derpy said, pulling him towards the door, oblivious to Bon-Bon's attempts to free herself.

Flash followed her, as she walked him past his car. "Wait, I thought we were taking my car," he said.

"Silly, I can't drive a car," she said.

"I mean...I figured, but I can," Flash said.

Derpy laughed. "No, Flash, I'm driving," she said. She picked up a bicycle with an oversized basket on the front. She sat on it, then beckoned him over. "Come on! Buckle up!"

"Um--how about we just take the car?" he suggested again. "I don't think bicycles are meant for two people."

"Just grab onto me!" Derpy said. "You have three feet of me to choose from."

"Um--" Flash did the smart thing, and shut his mouth before he could make any more stupid comments that evening. He got on the bicycle, behind Derpy, and put his hands around her waist.

Derpy paused.

"What?" Flash asked.

"You've got nice calluses," she said. "Do you work out?"

"Um--no?"

"Huh. Must be the guitar." She rang the bike's bell, saying, "Buckle up, bronco!"

Flash had been prepared for many things, including them going off balance and careening into the bushes. He was not prepared, however, for the bike careening over his car, onto the road, and screeching down the street with the sound of burning rubber.

"Um, Lyra?" Bon-Bon called out. "Can you help?"

Lyra stepped over, then tried the door. "Uh, it's locked."

Bon-Bon tugged at her hair, then sighed. "Can you fetch my lockpicks out of my purse?"

"Sure. Where'd you leave it?"

"In Derpy's room." They both looked to the door, then, as one, sighed.