A pony of mystery in the darkness. Or I forgot to take the lens cap off. (They/them is fine.)
"Sometimes," Big Mac's wife said, "I really think you love that doll more than you love me."
In a moment of foolishness, not long after Twilight Sparkle first moved to Ponyville, the unicorn cast an enchantment upon an old doll of hers. Later that same day, the unicorn's teacher dispelled the malign glamour. Surely, not even traces of the spell remained.
Or so one likes to think.
Page generated in 0.471 seconds
Total duration
1,053 users online
2,712,057 hits today, 2,673,812 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
11532967
NOTHING RINGS A BELLE 😂
This is almost biblical parable-like in its style of simple but effective creepiness. Well done.
That ending...
We went all grimdark Twilight Zone there.
Appropriate, given whose fault this probably is.
Chilling bit of domestic horror. Thank you for it.
Ohhh that ending sent chills down my spine
Honestly, sugar belle probably should’ve talked to twilight.
Oof, what a nice little horror story.Maybe I'm looking too much into things, but I like to believe that this story is about certain addictions that can ruin a relationship, at least metaphorically:Sugar Belle getting upset that Mac loves smarty pants more, him arguing over and over that "not more, just different", SB forcing him to choose between her and SP, he picks the latter, SB dies(leaves), BM regrets it but...the addiction survives.
Well… at least the doll made it.
I think the concept is good, but the execution doesn't work for me. Horror is not just logical. You've conveyed all the information about what happens, but there is no tension. The conflict is baldly stated in the first sentences, and stays the same until it's over. Everything is over too quickly. The tone isn't at all creepy or menacing, just conversational, indistinct. I had no empathic connection with what Big Mac feels, no view from his eyes of what he's doing when he pushes Sugar Bell into the fire. I think it's a mistake to go into Sugar Belle's POV. I would either use omniscient, or stick to Big Mac until the last scene.
11914806
Let me rethink that. In the usual, Stephen King kind of horror, the horror is an external agent that comes to town and causes trouble, in this case I guess the doll. The good people may or may not drive it away. The POV is the basically good people who aren't direct agents of the horror. In this case, Sugar Belle. The focus is on their reaction as they realize how bad things have gotten, and that they must fight with everything they've got. That doesn't happen here; SB never realizes Mac has gone mad. And it's hard for her to be POV given she ends up dead.
In The Twilight Zone TV show, the POV person is often alone or isolated, and might feel he/she is going mad. The horror is private, and the show wants to get inside of the person whose head is being messed this with. I think the TZ version of this story would either use Big Mac's POV, and start at a point where his obsession is beginning to be noticable, and then report on the view from within his head as it grows, pass thru the point where he realizes he's going mad, and on past to the point where he no longer knows he's mad, maybe then switching POV. Stephen King also did that, in The Shining.
In the Cormac McCarthy version of this story, Big Mac might be a kind of incarnation of evil, and have to talk a lot more to explain his theology and why it is a moral outrage that SB wants to separate him from the doll. Then he would kill her and feel morally righteous for doing so. I guess.
In the F Scott Fitzgerald version, SB & BM would have lots of fights and other marital problems. If BM were the POV character, he would spend more and more time with the doll as SB grows more distant, then blame it all on SB after she starts an affair with Braeburn. When she throws the doll in the fire, he would try to push her into the fire, then realize he was too cowardly to do it, and that this was why not even the doll loved him anymore. Then he would collapse with a fatal case of wounded masculinity. If SB were the POV character, she would turn to drink and meanness and make lame excuses for herself, then start an affair with Braeburn and blame it on BM, and... I'm just gonna stop now.
I'm pretty sure that the story would be more tense if some person in the story were tense, dynamically tense, starting at low tension and gradually realizing how bad things have gotten. But nobody's really tense, just upset. Nobody but the reader realizes that something magical and creepy is happening. I think the POV character should be the person who feels this growing tension, but I don't have a strong opinion on whether it should be BM or SB. I don't know if you can get away with a POV switch at the end.
Also: