Omen had been living in Ponyville for a while, living off of the research grants from a few of the miscellanea that he had brought with him from his own home when he had been suddenly transported. At least until a petition began circulating the top of Canterlot that he was a dangerous madman. Until it gained traction he really didn't mind. He kept to himself, only bothering to descend from his rented room in the castle of friendship to do the weekly tests Twilight asked before returning to his own private reading and experiments.
At least, until it finally reached the courts with enough backing to at least get him evicted. With that going on he could hardly afford to ignore it anymore and donned his best suit. After all, if he wasn't wanted, why bother staying. He just had one little thing to do before he left, one last goodbye before he went to talk to the darlings at the Griffon Empire.
GOOOD JOB DEARY!
9517904
Thank you, my drunk self gives you highest honor. (Never edit or write while drunk.)
Kinda wanna see the aftermath. Either Celly or Twily trying to convince him to return to Equestria...
9517907
Two words, "Communication Skills"
9517909
Likewise
9517912
I have none.
I like this.
9517909
Not sure, as I mentioned in an earlier comment I'm blitzed on whiskey right now. If I didn't type so much I'd probably be impossible to read right now, but I wrote words and liked them. I don't know if I'll add more, depends on how much this story catches I think.
9517915
Thank you!
For some reason, I couldn't help but imagine The Drifter all through this piece.
destinypedia.com/images/thumb/c/c9/Drifter.jpg/1200px-Drifter.jpg
This just feels like him, y'know?
I want to see the aftermath, no one truthfully can deny this was a good and dare I say more than justified kill.
9517923
Don't know much lore about the Drifter. I didn't have a character in mind when I thought of this. All of this is prime mind to screen style stuff.
9517925
As I said, if this catches maybe, but I am currently drunk and getting drunker. So nothing instant like I've done before
I would love to see a sequel where he's living large with the griffons after giving them all they need to leave equestria in the dust technologically.
9517927
All you really need to know is 'Ding!'
Accused of being a dangerous madman... and proves his accusers correct!
Token plot-convenient magic inhibitor: -20 point.
9517925 I'm sure you must feel mass shootings are justified then. After all, it's quite easy to make up a list of grievances to shove into an insane manifesto. Which, in every case, there are quite a number of lunatics who agree with them, given they never once question the context or presentation as it agrees with the ramblings going on within their own heads.
That said, this 'story' is rather lacking in context. Not the least of which is the little fact that Equestria is run by a monarchy with immense power vested in two individuals, with a third now also sharing in said authority. I would expect they'd have possessed enough wisdom to leave themselves with at least the power to override the lesser beings they're forced to share the planet with.
Or do you honestly believe Celestia, Luna, and Twilight would permit this without at least one of them threating Nightmare-level repercussions?
Or, should we be allowed to see what evidence the noble had gathered which somehow convinced so many ponies to join in? Did he actually have evidence of this man being a killer on Earth? Or had he done something terrible to other ponies and hidden it? What could have been so convincing? CONTEXT and SUPPORTING DETAILS, things that actually compose a proper story, you know? Am I to accept that Vaunted Patooty conveniently had blackmail on all of them and not a single one had anything on him, is that what I'm expected to believe? And this supposed mastermind of flawless deviousness never takes any precaution against the creature he believes to be so dangerous? It's a sloppy, cliché, trite, contrived setup I've seen in TEN THOUSAND other revenge fics of EXACTLY THE SAME GOD-DAMNED COPY-PASTE CONSTRUCTION!! It's becoming more than mildly infuriating. Even "Murder She Wrote" put more work into its revenge plots.
You might have had an argument if this ignoble noble had in fact tried to have him assassinated. But that's not what took place. No, this is akin to someone murdering a government official after said official pulls strings to have his land seized for 'eminent domain' so said official can receive kickbacks from the real estate developer the land is, in truth, intended for.
Yes, the official would be deemed a scum-bag for it. But the murderer would still be put in prison for planning and carrying out a murder, especially after having taken time planning it and acquiring documents unequivocally proving the official's corruption, which would have accomplished the supposed ends the person was seeking without resorting to murder.
Justice takes a very dim view of such bloodthirsty vendettas.
And then we see him waltzing off to the griffons... which the ONLY information we have on MUST come from the show's canon since this snippet is so utterly lacking in establishing construction, such that it CANNOT be a self-supporting alt-universe. Why the hell would he trust the griffons? They're quite nastier and more selfish than the ponies. They're also predators. How does he know they won't simply kill him once they get what they want? Or does he delude himself into believing he can single-handedly take on an entire city of creatures which are essentially intelligent super-predators?
Frankly, he comes across as a lunatic, and the noble seems to me quite justified in wanting to be rid of him. But honestly, my method in that case would have been to wear a smile in front of the mad ape... then slip some magical poison into his drink. That's how SMART people get rid of their enemies. (Right, Putin?)
You lack wisdom. You have FAILED THE TEST. The curse of a thousand hemorrhoids is upon you!
Weak
9518102
Considering that this whole thing was written under the influence, I thought it hung together rather well.
9518085
9518102
The author at least claims to be under the influence so no one can expect it to be filled with a satisfactory level of detail. We never learned what evidence was used against Omen, but considering the list of crimes Omen has provided evidence for so far we have embezzling money from orphans, a lot of blackmail, and plotting to have someone murdered, chances are the evidence used against Omen was false as well.
Now I would like to keep this in mind, "what happens to a non-pony in my town is not my problem, he'll be gone and forgotten in a week" or something like that. Had Omen been a pony things would have been different if only a little, Title wanted to have him evicted so he could seize all his assets and have him killed later. If the evidence was false then correct me if I'm wrong, but at the very least that implies lying to the judge and in the end likely grand theft. He took from Omen his home, his money, branded him a criminal, plotted to have him killed, all so he could make a profit and get rid of the "disgusting ape".
There aren't many more dangerous things than a man who's had everything taken from him, nothing to live for and nothing to lose. He still had something to live for I guess, but that's in another country. Killing title may not have been legally justified (even though at this point Title would likely have received life imprisonment), but morally speaking I would say it was.
BTW, no idea where you got that "school shootings are justified" idea, but back off, you don't know if anyone here was a witness or even a victim of one so don't go there.
This was a good! I'd love to see the aftermath to this.
9518516
Um, what the heck happened after I passed out?
9518531
Alondro basically said this story is shit and called me a psychopath. You can read his comment yourself.
9518571
It was more I've never had talks like this on my content before. That and I am hating myself and minorly confused as to how all this came to be. Whatevs though, glad you enjoyed it. Thank you!
9518576
What an odd conversation
9518516 You claimed the murder was justified. I point out that madmen always find reasons to justify their murders. Everyone always has slights and conspiracies they point to.
Pre-meditated murder IS NOT JUSTIFIED. Period. Otherwise we'd never bother prosecuting mob hits when one murderous mobsters offs another murderous mobster.
Plus, given that Equestria is the most powerful nation on the planet... ever heard of 'extradition'? Imagine someone killed a corrupt US Senator and then fled to, let's say Canada, for comparison. Do you honestly think the government, despite seeing the evidence that this Senator was corrupt, would not demand the extradition of the assassin... and make things VERY unpleasant for Canada until they capitulated?
Heck, let's say somebody murdered a corrupt high-level Chinese official and fled to Taiwan. The response there would be... extreme. Knowing China, they would probably cover up the corruption then take the opportunity to invade Taiwan.
Suffice to say, it does not pay for a smaller, weaker country to shelter an assassin from a much larger, more powerful country. And that's still assuming the griffons are as trustworthy as he believes and don't immediately torture all the weapon plans they can get out of them, then throw his bloodied butt back to the ponies.
No honor among thieves and all that.
9520332
Think about this for a moment. Yes, both were wrong legally, but don't forget the shit Title pulled. If Omen did in fact stay in doors as often as he said then he never hurt anyone, but the following still happened anyway:
Had enough evidence accusing him of being a dangerous mad man used against him, getting him evicted and all his assets such as his money and research taken from him to satisfy a governor's greed (also implies he had difficulty getting enough evidence to just get it to court).
Governor was planning to have him killed.
Jobless, homeless, hated or at least feared by everyone, and would have been dead if Title had his way.
Omen's crimes:
Breaking and entering
Trespassing
Murder (technically, and I cannot stress that enough, technically self defense though because Title was going to have him killed first)
Destruction of property
Title's crimes legal or otherwise, possible crimes included because they are more than likely in one way or another:
Embezzlement
Plotting murder
Third degree Murder
Lying under oath
Fraud
Abusing his power
Theft
Grand theft
Blackmail
Hate crimes
Both would likely get a life sentence, but answer me this, who's actions are more justified? The corrupt government official who has ruined and killed any number of people to fill his wallet or get rid of someone he didn't like, or the man who has done little to no wrong until that point and still had everything unfairly taken from him again (assuming he didn't come to Equestria by choice)?
Everyone has a breaking point and a snapping point. While I wouldn't exactly say Omen snapped, I would say he was right in what he said and what he did was fair. "You can't wake up a sleeping lion and expect to walk away without it taking a chunk out of your ass".
I'm not arguing the legality of the situation, and I'm done arguing about who was less guilty or who was right between the two. No one here can honestly say they wouldn't do the same im Omen's position, especially people against what he did. Yes he could have just dropped off the evidence convicting Title, but he would still be guilty of the other crimes I mentioned and probably been killed by then, little to nothing would change.
Either he incriminates, kills Title, and leaves, or he incriminates Title, and get's killed while still broke, jobless, and homeless, depending on how fast he hires the killers, or goes to the griffons and is hunted down anyway.
What is more beneficial to him and everyone else? Option 1, option 2, or option 2-a? Don't answer that with a response.
9520414 Yeahhhhh... and as I pointed out, mob bosses go on trial for whacking a guy before he gets whacked.
And I still don't see how this one loser has been pulling all these strings so perfectly... but isn't prepared in the least for any sort of repercussions.
He's a token pantomime villain, whose plans are completely perfect and thorough when the plot needs them to be, then he makes outrageously stupid oversights no actual competent mastermind, real or fictional, would make so that he can be given swift comeuppance. And the vigilante naturally escapes unscathed. I reiterate, this story is CARBON-COPY revenge fic nonsense.
Actual schemers of that level, who are blackmailing large numbers of people, tend to be exceedingly paranoid, as they KNOW one or more of their targets will eventually seek revenge.
Hmm.
I don't get what people are complaining about.
It's a prime example of human nature, and our primal psychological drive to exact in equal measure what is, was, and would be done to us.
More please.
9543409
I think this one is done. Maybe a sequel later.
This is fair.
As it stands, he is the only human, by that, he holds our expectations as a survivor above all things. Kindness with paranoia, generosity with prudence, he gave them some tech but never revealed by what extent our knowledge could unlock. He never did anyone dirty and expects the same courtesy, then comes this ass and gives him a taste of home. Schemes, a bit racism, political jockeying and even an assassination order waiting for him at the end.
Vaunted Titles expected Omen to play ball, take his banishment and get killed on the road, he didn't expect that Omen would decide to take his ball to play with others, nor did he expect similarly lethal retaliation.
Hmmm
That was oddly satisfying
We need some more of this plz
Simple overall, but highly entertaining.
Omen has the right idea going to the Griffons. If the princesses don't care enough about Omen to stop Title and his political allies from trying to banish him and steal everything he has, then they also wouldn't care enough about him to defend him when he kills Title.
And Omen has to at least kidnap Title to prevent him from paying the assassins to even stay alive. (In America, the punishments for kidnapping are the same as those for murder, so why not go all the way?)
And even then, there are people in the real world literally too rich to keep in prison.
9694599
I didn't really go in-depth, but I imagined Omen as coming from a more cyberpunk world. Think Shadowrun or Bladerunner, so he was acting in the way his native world really saw as normal. Eye for an eye and all that
It would be nice to see an Aftermath chapter from either the guard investigating this case, Celestia or Twilight's POV
9518085
Only at the precise instant that he was wrongfully evicted AND had a hit squad sent after him. If they had simply treated him well he would have been just fine and dandy.
9732956 This is a typical petty revenge fic, the structure of which I've seen countless times in every fandom and had zero basis in even remote plausibility.
Keep in mind, the ponies fall all over themselves in self-loathing and fear when a Princess looks at them crosswise. This whole story could have been stopped by Luna loudly declaring "THOU SHALT NOT!!" and the ponies would all pee themselves and run away.
There are so many reasons none of this would happen, I don't even feel like spending the hour or so required to list them all. Any passably intelligent person can probably think of a dozen off the top of their heads anyway. And for the rest... well, they won't be able to comprehend anyway.
9734147
This is Equestria we're dealing with here, and likely an AU, since in the show canon assassins wouldn't exist much less be employed by normal ponies. The MC's actions make sense for someone coming from a rough background (i.e. kill or be killed mentality). In terms of the overall set up I'm getting a Bad Mondays vibe, but without context I'm not going to pass judgement on it's plausibility.
9734219 And therefore, it's an AU without its own context or construction, thus entirely reliant on familiarity with the canon since it cannot 'live' on its own, which then leads to a severe tonal conflict.
In other words, pretty typical of the run-of-the-mill 'revenge' fanfics, as I said.
If someone is going to make a radically different AU of an existing franchise, that alternate world needs to be able to stand on its own. Otherwise it's just taking a dump on the canon for some reason.
9734326
Meh, it feels like a snippet of a larger story. Gonna have to see more of that larger story before I start tearing it down.
9734357 This story's marked as complete... soooo, yeah.
9734779
The snippet is complete. No reason it can't or won't be expanded upon later. I dunno, I found this entirely plausible, but that's with me filling in the blanks the author didn't.
9735112 I greatly dislike that in a story. You could water that down to the point where a story consists of "People did stuff. The End" and then the reader fills out everything else and somehow finds the story brilliant.
A fictional tale needs to present its world in a way that can lead the reader to ask questions of 'why' without also leaving them asking 'who', 'what', 'where', 'when' and 'how'.
This is even more important when the world is so dependent on a pre-existing property. If the world is significantly different, it needs to properly set itself apart, or it creates thematic and tonal conflict.
These are things any literature teacher or professional writer would tell you. Actually... they'd say avoid fanfiction like the plague, because most of it tends to be terrible.
9735361
While you're not wrong, I don't have an issue because I don't see this as being a complete story. It comes out as a proof of concept more than anything. Maybe this didn't get pursued any further, which is fine. Heck, I've posted a proof of concept snippet before in one of the forums. You could, technically, rip it to shreds for being incomplete, etc. That however would be missing the point.
I love this short story and would like to see a return of this fun and unique character.
Well done.
The Monk
Her hands were still bound with rope, she debated an escape before all the stupidity gave her an aneurysm. -Scarheart
9518102
So your saying its justifiable to have someone evicted from their home stolen from and killed for money all because they are different. That really makes a lot of sense. Also it is stated that Vaunted Title was going to have Omen killed after he left.