In a dark corner of the Everfree Forest rests a stone fortress called Everfree Abbey. Home to the followers of Harmony. It stands as a beacon of light in the dark forest, and for one Sun Princess it might hold the key to peace and her past.
(semi-inspired by Redwall)
(Sorry but this is not a Redwall crossover, It is simply inspired by it, you will notice similarities but that's about it.)
Edited by Zimmerwald1915, Pissfer
Pre-read by verlax
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Ooohh! I'm doing something similar to Salamandastron;; Is this inspired by Redwall the book, or the series itself?
Hey! I was going to fill out an authors helping authors review, but I don't think it'd be fair to obligate you to review something in return when I've only read the prologue! I can be more specific without forms anyway
The dialogue is solid, flowing and sounding believable. Word choice and grammar are also spot on! Only thing I saw was just a little dialogue thing. "Who is she," whispered one monk. This should probably have a question mark.
And only one other thing I saw. When coming back into a sentence, watch the capitalization.
“Brothers, and Sisters,” he said, briefing his helpers, “We have an injured pony at out gates. Probably just a little typo, since you did it right later~
The fact that I had to point out something so small shows that your grammar is top notch, so be proud!
Story-wise, I'm definitely looking forward to seeing what you do with the Elements. Keep it up!
Oh, and one small little thing. It may just be me, but the word squelch in the first sentence bothered me. Since it's the mud beneath her hooves that's doing the squelching, I feel like it would set up the setting better to start it with "The mud squelched beneath Celestia's hooves as she ran." Just more of a personal thing~ Still, great job!
2118585 the series unfortunately I haven't read the books yet though I do want to at some point.
2118590 Thank you for the review, The first chapter will hopefully be out sometime next week.
hmmm... interesting.
lets see where this goes shall we?
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! I have always loved the book Redwall, and the series is top notch. I really recommend you read them. good job on this crossover, i never realized i wanted something like this until you did it. Thank you! And reading the books will add a certain depth to your story. (I recommend you start with Redwal as it is the first book i believe.) Thank you again. This gets a favorite and a thumbs up from me!
2118687 I have to find the books first I'm living on a low income right now so it will be tough. But I've at least watched the series so I have a general knowledge.
i used to be a redwall fan when i was a kid
so this might be interesting
one thing though
this had better not be an oc-centric story
because i've seen enough shitty rewrites of the redwall books on ffn
it's interesting because you're a good writer and because ponies.
so don't disappoint, yo
2118761 This will focus primarily on Celestia with Oc's as backups
2118699 That's good! I always found the animated series to be entertaining.....my mom and I ended up watcing a lot of it on YouTube.
2118775
jafdsjhifhijdfihjidhijdjihjidjdhisjdhijdfijsjdijajhdahandgdsfgdsaghaoihajfhdgnh
WRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
2118807 ?
2118816
idk
my rage broke my brain
i'm going to watch this anyway and see where it goes
2118823 If I may ask what prompted the rage, the fact that is celestia centric or that it has OC's
4.bp.blogspot.com/-xc3fLuM4aC4/UHAsttMnbKI/AAAAAAAARxU/xE82dBZEmkg/s640/don't.jpg
oh. oh my. downton abbey comes to mind for some reason. probably the abbey.
REDWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL
This review is brought to you by the group called Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: Everfree Abbey
Grammar Score: 9/10, the reason why it is like so is because in some parts of the story the wording was a bit awkward. For example
This sentence is awkward, it still tells that the Abbot cannot see through the night. Possibly you could say He could see very little through the dark veil of the moonless night. Or something like that. It's only a suggestion though, you don't have to change it if you don't want to.
Pros:
- Because you made mention to the book series the Red Wall (sorry if I made a mistake naming it) it would attract people who have read the story.
- You have made mention of Celestia being a great being from a legend which I have to say made me want to continue reading, until I found out I was at the end of the page.
-The premise for the story seems very interesting, being that it is a story where Nightmare Moon won instead of losing, which I would then guess means that Twilight and the others are now under the tyranny of eternal night, which must suck.
-Finally, your grammar is great and the story itself has made me excited to read more.
Cons:
-If Nightmare Moon is there wouldn't that mean Princess Celestia is still banished to the sun?
-When the monks heard the thud outside the gates, wouldn't that mean either Celestia moved, or they would have also heard Nightmare Moon? Also wouldn't Nightmare Moon fly away from what she believed to be Celestia's corpse with a maniacal laugh to boast about her success?
-Lastly, you made it too damn hard to find cons.
Some notes:
, I always feel bad when I tell mistakes to people. I really like the idea of the story with how Nightmare Moon won instead of the mane six, I have a fanfic idea that is kinda like that, and how Celestia is now being hunted by Nightmare Moon for sport which I would guess continues to happen in the story. That or the mane six being hunted next, maybe along with Twilight's family, AppleJack's, Rarity's, Pinkie's, and maybe even Fluttershy or Rainbow. I really did enjoy the story, the prologue is amazing even though it is short, which I kinda have a bit of a problem with, but I don't really care too much. And I am hoping that this and your other story gets to the front page if it hasn't already, because they are awesome stories as I have said before.
I'm sorry if I ragged on you a little hard,
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbwjfbRe5z1r1vgod.gif
Hope you enjoyed the review, and maybe when I'm done revising my story you could visit it and review it if ya like. It's called The Dragoon. You're a great author, keep it up, and thanks for the advice you have given to me before. Cheers mate!
2119070 I should have put this in its set on the first time Luna turns into nightmare moon not when she returns. So mane six aren't a part of this or are they
Also with the whole thud thing, its from when Celestia hits the door after falling down the hill.
2119076 Wouldn't the Abbot hear Nightmare Moon talking to Celestia still?
2119126 not necessarily, its a bit of a distance from the main building to the gate, plus it's raining very hard and there's a large wooden gate.
2119134 I'm just thinking that because the abbot I would guess is near the gate to hear Celestia hitting a gate, which I would guess wouldn't be too loud. I figured that when he was walking towards the gate he would hear the end of Nightmare Moon's little talk with Celestia and hear her take off into the night. However, this is just what I would think would happen. Maybe it could be better explained if there was a very harsh storm outside of the Abbey, if that was happening never mind my comments then.
2119280 you make a good point.
I'm going to try and add something to the Abbots POV, to indicate that.
Also their is a storm raging indicated by the first few lines.
2119297 I'm glad to help, even though I am not the greatest writer.
I just have been making ideas for a lot of things lately, it has kinda become second nature for me. Just today I got another idea for a story, which I'm probably not going to add into my juggle of the three fics I am going to write. 
2119319 oh I know I'm the same way, It's very hard for me to stick to one Idea before another pops into my head.
2119332 I have my original fic which I came up with after watching the Wonderbolt Academy episode, another fic that I thought of to explain how Axel from Kingdom Hearts got returned to being a human, another fic where Squall from Final Fantasy VIII and Ultimecia also from Final Fantasy VIII appear in Equestria before Nightmare Moon returned, and then another one I thought of today where a firedrake (pretty much dragonborn from DND) appears in Equestria after falling from the sky and becomes friends with the mane six, very close friends with Fluttershy though, (note:it probably won't have any romance in it though). Apparently I'm a clown if I can juggle all these ideas.
2119356 That is indeed a lot of Ideas, you should see my dropbox folders, I have like 20 story ideas half written. for a variety of fandoms and some are original works.
2119373 I am intrigued to read them.
I loved that book
As a life long fan of Redwall, I like this. At first I thought it would be a 'Downton Abbey' crossover (sister's obsessed with that show) but I can say I'm pleasantly surprised. Keep it up. Nothing I saw that wasn't already mentioned.
I love Redwall, such a good book.
2119468 I've never seen Downton Abbey so you don't need to worry there.
2118955
EULALIAAAAAAAAAAAAA
GIVE 'EM BLOOD AND VINEGAAAAAAAAARRRR
2118594
Ohmigod, you must!
2120729 I am. Managed to find an ebook of Redwall for 0.99 on Amazon
2121045
i must say its a great series, i've read about 60% of the series at my local library
2121045 Brilliant
D'oh, I got my hopes up, but no, it's only inspired by Redwall Abbey. Feh.
C'mon, don't you think it would be hilarious if Angel wound up in Salamandastron? Mossflower rabbits are all wimps, and I doubt he'd put up with that stereotype for long.
2122396 I hope that doesn't mean you won't still stick around. also that's not a bad Idea maybe some one will do a story on it.
2122528 Eh, I'll put it aside for a rainy day. Or until it gets featured, whichever comes first.
2122533 That's fine with me.
I have traveled from the great mountain Salamandastron to bring this review, on behalf of: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Everfree Abbey
Grammar score out of 10: 8/10
Pros:
REDWALL. CROSSOVER. ‘Nuff said.
The first scene was pretty good.
The monks of the abbey seem accurate as Redwall characters.
Cons:
The pacing is too fast.
Character’s names are used too often.
There is little description.
Notes Section:
So, when I first saw this, I had a bit of a fan boy moment. Redwall is literally my favorite book, so it was only natural. I’ve read the comic adaptation, I own all three seasons of the TV show, and I am only three or four books short of reading the whole series. However, the enthusiasm I felt reading a Redwall inspired story created somewhat of a bias. After I finished, I had to step back and realize that you are not Brian Jacques, so your writing style won’t be the same. Hopefully, that bias does not show in my review. Anyways, onto the part you actually want.
For the pros, I never have much to say. There isn’t really anything to say in most cases, if the writer did these things well, the reviewer obviously doesn’t need to tell them how to do it. However, I seem to have found an exception. Not for the first one though. As I wrote, ’nuff said there.
But for the second one, I feel I should explain. The first scene was honestly just better. Two of the cons hardly apply to it. This leaves me wondering why things changed after that scene break. The first scene was nicely paced and fairly descriptive. The second was not so much. The whole scene moved so fast, I barely had a grasp of what was happening. I could see that scene extending another thousand words, easily. Between extended conversations that could not only help with exposition but also characterization, and actually describing your characters a thousands words isn’t much of a stretch.
Now, description is as easy to overdo as it is to neglect. As it is, though, overdoing it is not your problem. You aren’t one of those authors who breaks out the thesaurus every other word, and has more adjectives than verbs in a sentence more often than not. You are on the opposite side of the spectrum. More than once I had to reread parts to figure out who looked like what. I know that they’re all wearing cloaks (the clothing the monks of Redwall wore were actually called habits, by the way), and that Tender Heart is white and Ginger Root is a light blue. Other than that, these characters are just a void to me. This can be fixed in a way that alleviates the second con as well. For example:
Although I did use Twilight’s name, I also attributed an aspect to her appearance. This is a great way of subtly letting the reader know what a character looks like. Now, if the reader already knows what a character looks like, then you can do something like this:
Because you know that Applejack is the one replying, you can replace her name or the word she with a detail of her appearance. Thus solving your second con.
Well, looks like I’m pretty much done her. I‘d like to think that this review will help you out! Good luck with this story, I’ll be watching it (and to that extent, you). I have high hopes for this, so don’t disappoint. I’m just joking of course. Don’t feel pressured or anything. I’m sure you’ll do fine!
Enjoy your review! I‘d really appreciate if you checked out my story: Que Sera, Sera (Although, I probably would have reviewed this even if you hadn't posted that thread in AHA.
)
2122792 Thank you for the review, though I am probably going to get hit with dislikes or some sort of negative comments. I feel I need to point this out, This is NOT a Redwall crossover, It was simply inspired by it, don't go looking for direct comparisons between this and Redwall. Their will be similarities but that's about it. Now addressing the review itself I will look into extending the second scene to add to it, however much of the detail and description of the Abbey and it's characters will be in the first chapter. This prologue was designed to introduce parts of the setting and a few of the characters so that Ch 1 will make more sense.
also I will read and review your story either tonight or tommorow depending on my schedule.
Name of Story: Everfree Abbey
Grammar score out of 10: 8/10
Pros:
Okay, first off...
Redwall inspired? Okay I have to read this. Loved the series.
You caught the spirit of it, while using your own style, good. I love it when folks use things as a base but give their own flavor and flare to it. Great prolog and makes me feel like I just read something that will have more meaning later on.
Cons:
uh.... sadly this is where I falter, I cannot think of any Cons. I have been one to let others find the cons of stuff. But one con might be a little short and rushed. That is about all I can think of. Good grammar that I can tell.
Notes Section:
Finishing this, seemed my computer posted this before I could finish it.
Keep up the good work, and by all means, let us know how the second or first chapter will be coming, this is great, and I look forward to seeing where you go with this. It is amazing.
2128876 thanks for the review, As for the rushed feel I'm working on extending the prologue and adding in detail. I'm already bumped it up to 2k. The first Chapter I hope to have out by the end of this week.
*Has finished watching all three seasons of the show, and reading Redwall since the prolouge was posted, and is still waiting patientley*
I wonder how you're going to get around Cluny getting crushed at the end... Oh well, wait and see I guess.
2658230 I'm sorry but you're going to have to wait awhile since I am focusing on doing rewrites to Guardian of the Hearthfire. Also this is not a red wall crossover it is inspired by it. Cluny and other characters from red wall will not be making an Appearence.
Well, I guess NMM would be Cluny's rough counterpart here, and I can still guess at major plot points. Like that there's going to be a seige.
Dont worry about it though, I can wait.
So What exactly is Redwall... I'm just looking for Downton Abbey-ish fics Does anyone know of any? (This might be the wrong place to adk either of these questions)