I'm just a guy. Who likes ponies. And fan fiction. Why not both?
My name's Davenport. I once received some good advice that "change doesn't happen unless you make it happen," so this is how I tried to do just that. This is the tale of how I broke the bonds of apathy and tried to change my life for the better, the fat lot of good that did me, and what I learned about the universe in the process.
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I definitely feel his ennui. Why should the Mane6 get to have all the excitement. He should go do something to antagonize them, then he would get some excitement.
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Yes, because becoming an antagonist is the fast track to doing something more interesting than being a statue for
evera considerable time.If this keeps up, he may have to add a third product line -- say, wagon wheels. If nothing else, they'll bother the buck out of Trixie.
I almost got excited when I thought he was going to ask Berry Punch on a date or something. But then I was let down. I found it rather drawn out and boring. Dialogue and sentence structure was spotless, though.
This story is amazing! I like the main character's personality, it reminds me of quite a few people I know. Did you base him off of anyone?
This very well written, and quite relatable. You can only take so much of monotony and day-to-day routine before you lose your mind or go into a depressive state. But it is your choice; just because you're comfortable doesn't mean you're happy. I will definitely be watching this story. Well done.
Dear god the ennui! So much ennui! I think a part of my soul shrivelled up and died in sympathy...
Reminds me of this
Let's see here...
- Davenport suffers from insomnia
- Davenport is unhappily trapped in a dead end job.
- Davenport has reached a local maxima: he is dissatisfied enough to be unhappy, yet comfortable enough to not venture out and improve his life.
I wonder how long it will be before he develops a split personality, starts manufacturing soap, and organising bare-hoof boxing matches with other dissatisfied stallions?
2244759 I'm glad you like it! No, I didn't base him off of any one person, or even a specific group of people. He just sprung to life one day in my mind, formed from the emotions of the apathetic. I don't even have Davenport's mindset, as I like my life just fine. This blog post gives some background on the inspiration for the story, if you're interested.
Wow, this is really fascinating. Can't wait to see more!
This is the 6th story I've read on this site. Sixth fanfic, period. And this was great. I mean, really, really good.
First of all, you'd think this to be a pretty standard story concept, right? It sure doesn't feel that way. Originality reigns.
Davenport (I see what you did there) is a full, believable character. He doesn't just drone on and on, lamenting to us throughout the entirety of the chapter. You make him likable. He's sarcastic. He's funny. He's easy to relate to. As a reader, this allows me to accept his perspective--not just his point of view but the validity of his consciousness. And that's huge; we have to like the 1st pony POV. We have to care.
Caramel is a good foil; without him, or without that type of character, I wouldn't believe in the oncoming change for Davenport. We, as readers, needed a Caramel for this to work.
Same for Berry Punch. You play off their first meeting wonderfully, and it has me excited to see where their relationship goes. That kind of tension--that suspense--can carry this story so far.
Only thing that rattled me a bit (as a reader) was your use of beats. I'm talking about the action and the description between your spoken and internal lines. The beginning of Davenport and Caramel's dialogue uses a lot of beats, and it takes away from the flow that I know you imagined when you first wrote the scene. You don't have to describe everything they do while they talk. Is all of it needed? What does it add? After all, at least in those moments, isn't the dialogue and what's said within what really matters?
My suggestion, for whatever you write next (and I'll be watching for sure), is to copy your dialogue without any beats (any description) into a pad and read it like that. Where do those natural pauses occur? Where is a beat needed to enhance what's actually said? How will the beats add to or detract from your dialogue? You'll notice it right away.
But yeah, the 6th story I've read, and the first I'm going to favorite and follow. Awesome start.
I think davenport needs a lady specifically berry punch she made him happy so maybe he should break the ice
This story has been reviewed by: The Equestrian Critics Society
Story title: Malaise
Author: Enter Madness
Review by: BronyWriter
When reading fanfiction, there are often not too many characters to choose from. This story does have a benefit in that it’s dealing with a character that we rarely see, so we go in expecting something more original than an AppleDash ship, or something like that. The writing is fairly tight, but it’s hard to fully review because not much of anything happens in the only posted chapter except for the protagonist complaining. There is a hint of something more at the end, but since there are no further chapters we don’t get to see anything come of it.
This story crosses a fine line between too much exposition and showing us the road the character is on before showing how his life gets turned upside-down/changes in some way. That does happen in the end, but we aren't presented with a likable character from the start. We go on a journey with a character because we care or relate to them, and it's hard to do with the protagonist because he's kind of flat and annoying.
The story is technically pretty tight, but its character and story flaws on top of it not being far enough in to get interested mean that that this one is hard to get engaged in. If it was farther along then maybe it would be more interesting, but it needs more time to develop into an engaging story.
Final Score: 4.5/10
Full Review with spoilers
Just reread this.
Please continue it.
Davenport is my waifu
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I plan on getting to it eventually. The second chapter is halfway done, but it's sat untouched for a while.
This is the one story that I have that I can't just jump into and write. I think it's because it's first person, but it's way more intimate than most of my other stories. Maybe not quite as deep as some, but I really have to connect with Davenport to write it.
I promise I'll finish it. Hell, maybe with all this other writing I'm doing I'll take a look and get somewhere on it. No promises though.