30 years old closet brony from the center of Europe. Just happily doing my thing in my corner of the internet.
It's a quiet and beautiful night. Celestia is ready to go to sleep but cannot take her look away from the stars. Thinking about who she is and what she does as the royal princess of Equestria, she decides to call the two pegasii standing guards and tell them the truth about her:
She is a murderer.
One thousand words for just one picture and one thousand untold stories.
And a very short reflexion about what it means to rule and to serve.
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It's an interesting idea, to be sure, but maybe needs fine-tuning.
Who has Celestia murdered? Why? You don't have to out and say exactly who and under what circumstances, but some kind of idea might help.
Also I get the sense she gave up too easily. If she's had all this time to mull this plan over, I think there might be a bit more to it than "Arrest me" "No" "Please?" "No" "Alright then".
Okay, that's a hideous oversimplification of the actual events, but not the actions of someone who's really trying to get arrested. Tho' I suppose that's kind of the point.
Maybe it just seems a bit rushed to me. Everything came and went a bit abruptly.
1989895
I believe the author was playing into the expression of 'a picture is worth a thousand words', which is WHY it was so abrupt. Honestly, I thought it was rather brilliant all told, both with sticking to the literal expression as well as doing a quick expose on the 'darker' side of ruling that most folks tend to skip over when writing.
Kudos Twiwnb.
1989895
Well, I never thought she was trying to get arrested. She was trying to cease being a princess.
Why did she give up?
- the ponies have proven to not be ready (they accept to have a murderer as their ruler... everyone can judge that how he or she will...)
- that's not the first time she had tried (the thousandth tear in a thousand years)
- she knows she is prisonner of her position, as she can see the bars at the window that prevent her to leave.
But I understand your point. Maybe it was just a bad idea to try and fit a whole story, as simple she may be, in a thousand words.
How could I make it less rushed? I would take any proposition (as, for once, I could easily even rewrite the whole story, it isn't that long or complex).
My only limitations are:
- the core idea is that Celestia is her subjects slave, prisonner of her status, and want to escape
- I have only 1000 words
- I need to give a sense to using only 1000 words in the story itself (as indirect and easy the sense could be)
I like the result because it allowed me to say everything I wanted to say.
- Celestia knows she is a ruler and a servant
- the guards are fanatics
- I have the youth and the old speaking and agreeing, the brave and the coward, all accepting the situation
- etc... (some other minor details)
Maybe I could perfect it by going with my initial idea of having Celestia just lie about being a murderer. That could solve your issue and explain why she doesn't try harder. I just wanted to give a shoutout (silent one) to "keep calm and flutter on" that I enjoyed.
1989949
Yes, I tried to use that expression, even if I failed in my opinion.
Thanks for the "brilliant". I'll take it as you say it, because, hell, I'm human and I still like those, were they true or not.
It is missing details that could add to the enjoyment of the story, but it was good overall.
1989956
There is something to be said to sticking to an idea, and you definitely did. That is where the brilliant came from. You gave yourself a defined parameter, and you met it. Yes, it was somewhat abrupt, but, you really cannot fully explore the concept you were aiming for without making it much, much longer, at least not in my eyes. So, doing what you did and how you did it, it came across well enough.
EDIT - I think a lot of folks are missing out on the obvious (to me anyways) 1,000 word constrainment.
1990013
"EDIT - I think a lot of folks are missing out on the obvious (to me anyways) 1,000 word constrainment."
That's their right ^^. After all, they can expect to get a real story and not an experiment. Still, I thought focusing on a core idea and taking the time to choose the words would grant that, seems not.
1989969
Thanks.
Well... that was... interesting. I can't agree with it though, I really can't see Celestia wanting to be arrested, not like that. Yes she has killed but why? Did she kill to protect her family, her nation? To end reign of the Chaos Tyrant, an Usurper King, or a Corrupted Princess? It is the same moral issues that solders must face in combat. Still you do raise an interesting point, a good leader could be considered a servant of their nation, it one of the Costs of the Crown.
While not perfect I think the video sums it up nicely.
While not perfect I will still give you a thumbs up for this.
1990440
I respect your opinion on that. In fact, I'm pretty happy you were able to appreciate it even if not agreeing with what I wrote. It happened to me too, so I perfectly understand.
If you want to understand how I build the story (only on a narrative view), I thought that it was logical (but not clear, I agree) that the princess wouldn't use an act that isn't illegal to escape her duties. Also, I hoped that the fact the guards take her seriously would be enough to show it wasn't a "I did something horrible but was forced to do so" thing. Didn't work obviously ^^.
I'm surprised that you (and I mean all those who have commented) can be shocked by the princess's behavior/past, but not by how cowardly those guards are behaving. Seriously, they are the shame of Equestria (in my opinion) and their hypocrisy (thanks you your majesty, come on...) is, still in my own opinion, just as disgusting as the difficulty of the situation they are put into.
I'm always a bit suspicious of stories with super-long A/Ns, but this one didn't do too badly. It's a scene rather than a story, but quite a readable one. I was reading it purely as a story, without regard to its experimental nature, so I was a bit frustrated by the fact that its brevity means you couldn't do much with the interesting grey morality featured herein. Still, other than "pegasii", nothing really bothered me. As I say, it's pretty readable.
7549247
Thanks
.