A powerful spell from Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns has caused countless belongings to disappear, including five of the Elements of Harmony. All of these items have been transported to a different world. It's now up to Twilight and her friends to retrieve the Elements and any items they may find along their way. The only twist? This world just finished its third world war.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Would like to have some constructive comments rather than the generic "Nice job!" or "I didn't like it". Would like to have criticism so I can better myself for future chapters and stories. Only do so if you have a little time though. Thanks guys!
Hmmm, this story sounds very intriguing.
and oh my god
i wish i could see their faces when they get to earth and find that they have recently finished A THIRD FUCKING WORLD WAR
man this'll be good
tracking
oh, and i got carried away
i didn't see many errors
just the odd typo here and there
good i am tracking cannt think of any critisisim
Want
i115.photobucket.com/albums/n295/snake890217/do-want-dowantdowantdowant.jpg
Yes...
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
105259
I didn't have time to proofread, so the obvious typo may have slipped by me.
Thanks for the track though.
105392
You almost made me blurt out in the middle of class.
It looks to me like one big wall of tests. Try to break up the paragraphs a bit.
106187
My original document had it spaced out between paragraphs. Unfortunately, it didn't copy over to the site.
Constructive, eh?
Well;
The wall of text is a little confusing, you used the right amount of detail (could use a little tiny bit more),
the ponies are behaving like they would (90% correctly {within realistic bounds})
Basically, all there is to improve (at least according to me) is the wall of text, some details, and maybe proof-reading it.
But that´s just me.
In other words, Good work, better than a lot of first attempts, and it is going in an interesting direction.
5 stars and track.
107145
Yeah, the document didn't copy over correctly. I'm probably gonna fix it up tomorrow and in future chapters as well. And I honestly believe I hardly used any detail actually.
Do you mind explaining "90% correctly" a little better? I'm a bit confused with that.
All points agreed on. I'll definitely take more details into consideration, and if only I had enough of an attention span to proof-read it, I would. I'm a lazy bum sometimes though
Thanks for the comment. Appreciate it.
moar right now
109823
Second chapter is currently in progress.
Notice: Severe rushing towards the end. It's 11:50 at night and I'm tired. I just wanted this done. I'll edit it another time, hopefully tomorrow.
Constructive criticism desired!
I like this story so far.
No Applejack, seeing as how those two newcomers are humans, and being a human myself, it probably won't be good.
Soldiers coming to interrogate them.
INDEED
122294
You are correct good sir.
122340
Actually, they were just coming to investigate what happened. If a strange object flew over you and crashed not too far away, wouldn't you be compelled to see what it was?
this was epic will love to see more
125207
I'm glad I did.
125327
A new chapter is in the works!
WAAAHHH
mooooreee
Fluttershy is sooo bucking adorable but her shyness and fear of almost everything annoys me a lot.
Cool story bro.
134273 Hey, i want the third chapter.
447450
I want a third chapter too, but that would require me to be a productive loser.
447987 I will be waiting.
447987 I will be waiting. And is that MW3-MLP fanfiction?
449532
The events of this fan fiction take place just after the conclusion of Modern Warfare 3.
This is what I am picturing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t039p6xqutU&ob=av3e
*Le Gasp!!* UPDATE?!?!?!
THE END IS NIGH!!!!!!
457658
I know. I was shocked too.
457603
I saw "Weird Al" and clicked the back button.
i require moar
457915
I think you said that already.
My only criticism is that I see you're jumping between present-tense and past-tense way too often, sometimes in the same paragraph even. Stick to one or the other and the story will flow better.
But other than that, nicely done. I expect moar.
i1207.photobucket.com/albums/bb461/LegionScavenger/LikeABAUWS.jpg
458667
I'm fairly sure I stuck with past in the third chapter, did I not?
458918
I suppose that's good
458985 For the most part yes, but there are bits like "Applejack pushes off" in the middle of a paragraph where everything else is past tense, unlike "Applejack pushed off"
458994
Damn it, I was sure I had ceased all uses of present tense. Bollocks! I'll have to edit it out tomorrow. Thanks for telling me.
459006 Not a problem. Something I find that helps me is too reread the entire chapter three times before you publish it.
459013
I have the attention span of an acorn when rereading something. It would do nothing honestly.
An update!!
So anyway, how exactly are you going to fit in the post-WWIII stuff? I'm not sure how big of a detail that is....but that's just me.
459659
Well the idea is that the country (England) is antsy from the war. You could say that they'll be "quick to the trigger" as shown.
FINALLY! ONE DISLIKE!
yay i can finaly read this. currses to my cell phone compony for having rubbish reseption at the beach. oh and dont you shoot anypony els burns
unprovoked attack against a alien race?
god dammit AJ!!!
also "less activity at night". yeah... good luck with that is a human city such as London
567432
This is what I do when I'm bored. I make ponies attack others for no reason. I need to put more things that make sense into this story.
The irony!
You know what? I liked this story! Only advice I could give you to improve is to use more punctuation rather than just ellipsis, to make it sound more coherent, other than that the idea is good and the writing as well. I think that the CoD part you were talking about is about the third world war thing, but just because it's a third world war doesn't mean it is directly related with Call Of Duty.
Now for one thing I didn't like about this: Stop underestimating yourself as an author. The story is good, and people like it! Update the story, and continue writing if you please. You write good, and unless you don't like it, you should continue doing it. I expect more from you, and good luck~
726137
The third World War mentioned was related to Call of Duty. Then I forgot how I was going to incorporate that into the story.
The characters Burns and Wallcroft are also characters taken directly from the series.