Lulamoon-Crystal
Joined 4th Oct, 2021 ·
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Hmm. This could use a rewrite. Some parts of the conversation look a bit disconnected with each other and the expressions the characters gave in some parts seem irrelevant. But I had fun reading it anyway.
11019766
Oh okay! Thanks.
Are you able to give me some example on where this happened so I can learn from them?
Also!
Tiny Trixie
For example, this part. Trixie says “Discord.” When they ask what happened.
The following sentence goes like “But it’ll be okay, Starlight and Twilight should know the spell...”
Instead of starting like this, you can write an assuring sentence like, “Don’t worry Trixie, it’ll be okay. Starlight and Twilight should know a spell to fix this.”
This way, the conversation looks more fitting.
If you show the reader the scene here, story will flow easier. When Discord arrives, make him ask what is going on here as if he is not aware. And adding a dialogue like this between these two paragraphs I gave up there can help us follow the story easier:
Discord moved to the tiny mare and took a closer look. A smirk formed on his face as he figured out the situation, “Oh I see. It seems like someone did indeed drank my special drink. Right my tiny friend?” He laughed as he saw Trixie blushing.
Twilight interrupted his fun by stepping her hoof on the ground, she almost sounded mad, “Well how do we fix it? Surely you must know a way to get over with this!”
—> Discord, took a hold of his laugh and cleared his throat,<— “Don’t worry ponies, this potion only lasts a few hours” He summoned a can of The potion he used, it was brown with a label that described it, “I disguised it as a soda drink”
If you write your dialogues like this and present characters a little more clear, reader can follow easier.
Keep up with writing!
i want commission you for a part 2 .
11033218
You mean to make a part two to this story?
11033261
yes.
with get pay to do so.
You said "Fluttery" two or three times instead of Fluttershy, but this story was so fun and interesting! Poor Trixie...
I'd love to see the 1st person version of this!
This was a cute story with a good premise. Unfortunately, it was bogged down by a large number of mechanical errors, as well as inconsistent pacing, which made the story feel a bit unpolished.
11382205
Yeah... sorry about that. It was an old one and I never really fixed it up