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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Ok, I like this story. But there is a major issue. The attitude and behavior of this guy just isn't how a lower caste person would act or behave. It's how a modern American, European would behave, But someone from a medieval or roman era civilization with a caste system, and that person being at the very bottom... yeah no. The behavior would be fine if you had him in a mid-tear caste, but even then, they would never correct a noble. He would have been taught from childhood to keep his opinions and snarky remarks to himself. Backed up by public caning if the serf was particularly slow, repeated until it sank in.
The story is good, and it is well written, other than the out of character behavior, I like it.
The Monk
"Mavis, for crimes against royalty, I hereby sentence you to the sushi bar!" the judge said, as chains wrapped around her, and dragged her away." -darkmage1997
While I do agree with rikthemonk somewhat, I’d like to expand on it.
Oh, and this includes spoilers for the chapters 1 to 7.
In the chapters 2 and 3, we have a good view on how he does act. He knows that his place is below others, and he is overwhelmed when he’s given the chance to be on pair with everyone else, excluding nobles of course.
Then he meets Honey. He doesn’t like her, she doesn’t respect him. This is on a personal level, so it shouldn’t change his view in his place below the royals. When they meet up with Celestia tho... She offers Honey the option to bully him further, and he tries to object. While I don’t think he’d say “Hey wait a second”, him objecting isn’t hard to believe. After all, Celestia has shown to be kind.
Now, the major factors I see there are the following:
1, Celestia doesn’t allow him to say what he thinks about Honey. That could come down to one of two things. Either she doesn’t care about his opinion, or she’s a bit dim and doesn’t get that he’s not happy with the situation. (Considering chapter 6, I’d go with the 2nd option. But in that moment, I thought she didn’t care.)
2, Celestia offers her friendship to Arin. While he can’t be sure of her motives, she’s been mostly kind to him and has given him a new start in this strange world. This would stand in conflict to the fact that he has no choice about Honey getting to take care of him, but I’d still say that this would shake his view on social standing.
Now, I’m not saying that he’d just throw away his worldview - I’m saying that this could be a start to that.
When he meets Luna in chapter 6, his reaction to Luna’s scan spell is “You know, I would find it polite to ask first.” This is the first thing where I’d say it’s completely out of place.
If this would be Celestia or Cheery Hooves, this would be fine. He already knows that he doesn’t need to fear them and they’re on a buddy level. For Luna though... While she is smaller than Celestia and her colors wouldn’t make you think of a goddess as much as Celestia’s, he still clearly knows she’s royalty or at least a noble.
You could argue that he’s still sleepy, but that wouldn’t have as much influence as his lifetime of him being the last one to care about. He already introduced himself, he would at the very least wait for her to speak. That’s just good manners.
I would have let him remain silent until Luna introduced herself, and then continue on as you did; “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Princess Luna. I must ask, why do ponies keep… using their magic on me like that? The wave spell? Doctor Cheery did it when inspecting me for magic earlier.”
Following that, I think it’s fine how he acts, especially since Luna treats him as equal. Actually, I think it’s better that he accepts this, as I could imagine it seeming rude if he didn’t. After all, you don’t ignore a gift from royalty.
Then there’s the scene with Celestia and Luna where they act like children. That’d do one or both of two things:
1, He’d loose a chunk of respect for both of them.
2, He’d be scared of them.
Having this mental image of them as childish beings, I find it fairly easy to accept how he treats Luna from that point on. Before the argument though? No, he’d be more careful and respectful.
I find it quite surprising how ok I am with how he acts, but I do know that that is due to my own perspective. I am kinda split on this: While my “feel” side says “Yes, I like these interactions. It feels right, it works.”, my “think” side is more like “Maybe later, but this early on? No.”
10920805
What do you think? Any input on this?
10923041
While I appreciate the in-depth reply, I believe that the characters are still acting within a reasonable mindset.
While one can argue Arin's interactions with Honey Rose are poorly developed, a counter argument could be laid out as such: Arin is from a different world, with different customs and ideas. Ponies could be more touchy than Seraphs, in fact - they're not even shameless to be naked. I didn't express this in the story, because my line of thinking is "this is just how ponies act", and it's represented clearly in the show. But you do have a point - I didn't express Arin's revelation that he's in another world, in another culture. I should possibly edit that in - he needs to realize pushing ponies away isn't going to help him in any light, and he should embrace their culture. Celestia pushed Honey on him intentionally - what better way to get rid of those old social teachings than by pairing him up with someone who will whittle them away? Celestia wouldn't do it if she didn't think it would work.
That is why you feel these character interactions are natural and expected. If you've read any fictions on here, ponies - while sociable and human like - do not follow the same social patterns as humans. They are often embracing, open, kind, and sometimes just outright unaware of personal space. I could also argue that Honey's disposition is natural for her, because she handles elderly on the daily. Thus, her interactions are crude and prodding, but kind at heart.
The Princesses are royalty, yes, but they're still ponies. And it's fair to say Celestia and Luna - especially during the finale of the show, if you accept that - are more so interested in normalcy than anything else. They've expressed a disinterest in Nobles (at least Celestia has at this point) from the first page, and would likely care little for all of the royal flare pushed on them by every source, especially among those who they call friend. Arin is still not in the right place or mindset, and had never dealt with royalty - but finding them no threat and even friendly, he's going to treat them with some form of respect, but with all things - respect has to be earned. And if you're constantly the target of spells and incantations without your permission, of course you're going to become frustrated.
Finally, regarding Celestia's decision to require Arin seek friends - I don't recall Twilight having much choice in the matter, either. Celestia sent her to Ponyville to make friends and relax, even with dire matters at stake. So of course, she's not afraid to repeat her lessons - especially when she sees potential. She has a remarkable eye for potential, after all. And sometimes, one could consider her 10 steps ahead of any situation.
I think I covered everything here, I didn't order it by any means - but if I left something out, do let me know. I'm not infallible, but I hope to be as open with my intentions and writing as possible.
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Oh yes, and Luna/Celestia's behavior should be accurate to a fault among close siblings (that don't despise each other). One could definitely see Luna's actions as being within reason, but honestly - you should 100% keep reading. You might find there's a method to the madness, later on.
10923181
Well, yes. It’s still childish though.
And don’t worry, I’m hooked. I will read it all and then again!
10923177
Welllll no. Not if it means forgetting who he is. As for Honey herself... she’s just rude, nothing about culture there. You just don’t treat a person with full mental capabilities like an elderly person or a baby.
Not a wise choice if the one that is supposed to be ‘formed’ just learns to dislike the other one. Trust me on this one, forcing someone to work with someone they don’t like? NOT a good idea. I gotta know. Well, I’ll just follow my headcanon and say Celly’s dim in this AU.
I do think she doesn’t mean to be rude, don’t get me wrong. But the thing is, she is rude. Can’t deny that.
As for most of the other things you’ve written, I’m not sure as to why but ok. As far as I can see, you’re mostly explaining the pony side. I was talking about Arin’s way of acting.
One more thing though- you say that respect has to be earned. That’s true. But you still would act respectful if you were to meet a ruler, especially in their land, city and home. And the reason is simple: Fear. Even if you would absolutely hate someone, you wouldn’t act unrespectful if they hold power like Celestia or Luna do. The only way you would act rude to them is if you know that you don’t have to fear them. And, referring to the thing I wrote about his first encounter with Luna, he didn’t at the time.
Anyway, I stay with my “It’s fine, but too early” for now.
Well, I’m interested to see what rikthemonk (or anyone else who reads this) has to say.
Wonderful interactions, and the imagery the story presents is beautiful
I just made it trough chapter 6, and dear God, the last part of that chapter just made sure that I would be reading more if not all of it, just for more of that comedy.
11376779
Actually, not necessarily. A bit archaic, I suppose... which may very well be the point.
Without order or request, the former slave is giving his opinion and knowledge of a foreign world which may have no relevance whatsoever to this new one?
This is very sensitive information, Princess. Why are you giving this away to a relatively unknown audience. He’s shown himself to be rather loose lipped and rebellious for a former slave: not a good repository for national defense secrets.
11696430
It is rather strange how fast he went from a subservient slave that quivers like a hunchback in Frankenstein to a average hie character who feels like he shows near no connection to said character that just just came from a quit literally dead world and spent his whole life as a slave