The Cutie Mark Crusaders are close to running out of ideas for finding their Cutie Marks, until Scootaloo finally finds something for them to try.
However, a certain pink filly derails their plans, and goes a step too far in her abuse.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 28th May, 2012
- offline last seen Nov 30th, 2015
SigmatheAwesome
Sigma is an Australian artist who also writes things.
SigmatheAwesome
Joined 28th May, 2012 ·
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For the record, I don't hate any character.
And this is just a short, feel-inducing one-shot. No epilogue, even if you ask for one.
Though, I may make a comedy demi-sequel of the CMCs trying to Hot Air Balloon.
Well, Diamond Tiara did bring it all on herself by being a nasty heartless bullying brat. Both her and Scoots getting detention is a fair and just punishment though. I have a feeling DT's gonna be paying for some new glasses for Silver Spoon however(and she should), plus who knows if they'll ever be friends since in this story Tiara clearly didn't think of her than little more than a minion.
Great story, I love one-shots, well written and not that rushed
(And I am intrigued about what could happen when they go Hot Air Ballooning.
SO MANY FEELS!
I've always hated the attempts to showcase Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon's talent as being useless because of their Cutie Marks. You know, just once, I'd like to see something like:
Critic: What does a tiara and a spoon Cutie Mark even mean?
DT: I'm a jeweller you numbskull!
SS: And I'm good at making fancy decorated kitchen utensils!
Was anyone else of thinking of the "Love Me Cheerilee Music Video" when Scootaloo and Diamond Tiara started fighting?
Also that ending was priceless and both ponies deserved it.
They'll be lucky if their friends ever talk to them again after all this!
You are free to take this review/critique any way you wish. I'll start off by saying I enjoyed reading this.
Let me begin this review by getting grammar out of the way. The only common problem I noticed with this story is your semicolon usage.
That isn't how you use a semicolon, methinks. I do believe that should be a comma.
This is definitely wrong; that should be a regular colon.
I also believe you use commas too much. At times, it creates odd stops in your story. More on that in the next section of this comment.
Also, you have five interrobangs in your story (?! These are interrobangs, in case you don't know). That kind of mark is usually good for maybe once or twice a story; using it multiple times is overkill.
Other than that, nothing I could remember. Your spelling was great, and your hyphen usage was superb.
Next section: your writing style, or prose. I think this may be where your biggest problem is. First off, you overuse adverbs.
We can tell from her sighing and the context of the scene that she's feeling dejected; we don't need that word.
Visibly is a dead word here.
Those adverbs are not needed. Your story would be stronger without them.
The other thing I'd like to note about your writing style is that it's somewhat mechanical. For the first two-thirds of your story it works, since we get to see how Diamond Tiara methodically belittles the CMC: remark about themselves, then a rebuttal by a CMC, then a remark about somepony close to them, and then building on that. This methodical writing, though, falls apart at the end, but I'll get to that when I get to character.
One more thing before I move on:
1. When you use onomatopoeia words like slam, thunk, vroom, or kerplunk, you usually put an exclamation mark after them.
2. The word "SLAM" isn't the right word for here. I think SLAM! is used more for full-body contact, like slamming somebody into a locker. I think CRACK! (because her glasses broke) or BAM (possibly...) would work better.
Now on to the more important isues!
Let me begin with atmosphere. It's actually quite good; there isn't much focus on the setting, as you focus on the interactions between the fillies. When you do pan out, though, it works. The atmosphere isn't much present in the ending, but more on that when I get to plot.
Now for characters. You have 9 characters present in this story: Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Cheerilee, and Filthy Rich.
-I felt like Applebloom, Silver Spoon, Rainbow Dash and Applejack were used to their full potential, but that's just me. I've no complaints about these characters.
-My one complaint about Sweetie Belle lies in the beginning of the story:
This statement seems a bit too omniscient on her part. I don't understand why she would say that, or what would prompt her to say it.
-I don't believe Cheerilee would jump out of a window. And why hadn't she heard this arguing/stopped it sooner? You introduce her kinda out-of-the-blue, in my opinion
-Diamond Tiara's and Scootaloo's characters were excellently-done in the first two thirds, but their character falls flat at the end. That whole reaction of them breaking down and crying and not hating each other? I couldn't buy that as you had written it.
-And then we get to Filthy Rich. His character was not done well at all. Do you remember how I said the mechanical writing falls apart? Here's where it does:
Here, it's not how it's being said. It's what is being said. It's so uncaring and mechanical that it doesn't sound real. And everything that follows after that from Filthy Rich doesn't help.
Also here, I can somewhat understand him reacting this way about Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo (even though JUST listing off their families' standings was a poor move, in my opinion), but... Silver Spoon? Diamond Tiara's closest friend? First off, why was it NOT brought up that Diamond Tiara hit Silver Spoon? Second, why is Filthy Rich not surprised by her reaction to her best friend? Is he THAT uncaring?
Sorry if this seems like a rant, but I'm being honest: I don't think you characterized Filthy Rich well.
Now we get to your actual plot. For the first two thirds, the story went along great. You had some big insults thrown at the CMC, and Diamond Tiara did good delivering them. Silver Spoon's role was brief but nice, and everything went along well. I commend you on your beginning.
Then it sorta fell apart when the adults intervened. Like I said earlier, Cheerilee's not noticing them arguing and fighting doesn't really make sense, and when Diamond Tiara and Scootaloo made up, it was done in a very unrealistic way (IN MY OWN OPINION). By the way, nothing was really resolved. DT degraded the CMC, and at the end she was shown kindness by them and she broke down. Scootaloo fought DT because of all her insulting, and then she talks about how she doesn't like hurting ponies and how she doesn't hate DT. Silver Spoon's pretty much forgotten at the end of this. In fact, I think a quote from Scootaloo would sum up my feelings for your ending:
BUT THAT'S JUST ME.
Anywho, in conclusion, this was an enjoyable read. Your characterization for the most part was great, your pacing was nice, you had control over your story most of the time, and your grammar wasn't bad. Still, when your characterization was bad, it was verybad, and the ending ends on an odd note.
Again, use this comment/critique as you will. I wish you the best of your talents with your future stories.
1215212 Firstly, I'm glad you liked this and I'm happy that you're trying to help my writing improve.
First point: Oddly enough, I did write a comma, however Word (which I use to spell check) asked for a semicolon. Note to self, never listen to it.
The second point: That makes sense.
Third point on the interrobangs: I personally didn't think that I overused them when writing, I used them to strengthen the tone of the dialogue. I'll find the unneccesary ones.
Because I otherwise lack the skills to describe tones of voice I guess that's why I overuse adverbs. Thanks for the tip, though. Note to self, reduce adverbs.
I'll think I'll change SLAM to CRACK!.
IMPORTANT BITS
With Sweetie Belle, I know I made her a little omnicient. I dunno whether it's supposed to be closer to when they figure out the point of getting a cutie mark, she suddenly had an increase in understanding, or whether it's an off-thought. I might change that.
I might change the Cheerilee-out-the-window scene, and as for why she didn't hear the commotion I'm not sure. She was supposed to appear reasonably late, but I should probably add a scene from her perspective beforehand.
I did feel that the Scootaloo-Diamond scene at the end was a little flat myself. But, I wanted to end on a happy note, and I guess I thought that Scootaloo was trying to be the better mare (filly in this case), or maybe promised Rainbow something and she broke it.
I know that Rich's lines don't work, but I was struggling for reasons for him to be angry at Diamond and not Scootaloo or Cheerilee. If it helps, it was near midnight when I wrote that and I wanted to finish it before I went to bed.
I thank you for this entire thing. It looks like I have to do a major overhaul of this now
You know, you shouldn't feel bad because someone picked this story apart. You've not received any thumbs down for it, and you're gaining a lot of help from such a thing.
Hell, I'd say you're lucky.
Also, you used the wrong 'too/to' in your description. Last line, a step too far is what it should be.
1220444 Huh. Didn't think of it like that. Thaenks Maet.
1220453 Nauh warries.
1220452 #*&&%$%^#&&%$*%^#$%&#^%&$%U^#&^ I'll fix it now.
1216102 Thank you for taking my comments and criticisms maturely. They aren't meant to discourage you in any way; they are only meant to help. I hope to see more from you.
1220444 AND YOU! Thank you for encouraging him.
1228267 Very much welcome.
And, for the record, Badger's my brother, so that makes sense.
1228267 No worries, I guess.
"But I'm not going to bring up the fact you were the first one to throw a punch, because as Silver Spoon is your minion, it's your right to treat her that way."
MOAR!!!!
Serves Diamond right
.