- Member Since 28th Apr, 2020
- offline last seen Sep 8th, 2023
Vis-a-Viscera
Now witness the power of this filly armed and operational battlestation.
Vis-a-Viscera
Joined 28th Apr, 2020 ·
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Some good stuff, but the flowery language sometimes makes it hard to tell what's actually happening: What the mutations entail, who's disrobed to what point, how people are positioned in relation to one another, that sort of thing. I'm still not sure how Adagio hit Trixie with those lionfish fins of hers.
10303779
I'll take all of this under consideration, and thank you for yours in lending time to this story.
That being said, Adagio does impact Trixie upon that bearhug. The action may be flowery, yes, but the main events are stark standouts.
I've made it much clearer, though, per your suggestion. Thank you for pointing that part out to me.
I wanted to love this.
It's got everything I could ask for. Muscles, futas, The Dazzlings, Aria in a prominent role, I can't think of much more I could want from a story. The trouble is.... I have basically no clue what the fuck is even happening in the story.
The way you blend together narration, description, dialogue, and a character's internal thoughts into a single mass of text makes the action hard to navigate at the best of times, and unintelligible at the worst. For example...
I've read this passage three times and still only kinda get it. This whole thing is just too much. Too much extravagant, over the top prose. Too many attempts at humor or nudge and winks at the audience (The "Trix are for kids" line genuinely made me roll my eyes). Too much verbose descriptions of imagery and concepts that could be expressed more succinctly (I wanna know what possessed you to write "as spikes started pumping out from the billowing skin and sinew of her latissimus doris". Seriously, who talks like this, or even knows what a latissimus is?)
This story isn't bad, I wouldn't say. But you really got in your own way. You win points with me for the concept and ideas behind it, but in terms of execution, there's not a word I can think of to better describe this story than "extra". So extra.
One last thing
Unless this story has secret genital mutilation themes that you didn't previously warn us about, I don't think this is what you meant to say.
Thank you for your participation in Muscle Mania 2020! We here on the judge's council wish you the best of luck!
10329746
You're right, Lewd. I've.. .known of my problems with getting too technical in clop; it was still rather new to me when I began, as it is here. I'd... still like to humbly attempt to win back your favor with a slight elaboration on why I was that prosey. Even beyond what I normally do.
Basically, it flamed because I tried to aim high with a lot of things I experimented. After all, if a fic's just written to win a contest and not to try out new things than... it's a poor fic, isn't it? The Dazzlings are constantly overwhelmed by being reverted to a cross between their Equestrian and EG forms. This, as I emphasized before, was likely the first ever Reverse Anthro fic I may have made.
They're approaching a transformation into half-human, half-beast beings from the other end, and the writing's purplish - even beyond my normal repertoire, I admit... but the melding of it was made to reflect that confusion in their transformations. They're literally undergoing changes by the second, and the prose mirrors the shock and awe in that change.
In addition, as I learned from AtomicClop, sometimes the best way to start out from a character is by establishing their character first. And through the use of different phobias, I did.
Each is also supposed to hint at the insecurity of each Siren. To that end, I made Sonata's a Kakorrahaphobe, Aria's a Athazagoraphobe, and Adagio's a Thanatophobe (Fear of Failure/Obscurity/Loss of Loved Ones). Yes I do tend to go a bit over ,but I though in terms of serving the plot of reconstruction, it'd be worth it. Cinch and Trixie... tried to manipulate them into being patsies for a ploy to keep Sci-Twi in check. And... they only got stronger together. And each of them find their way out through the love they share together, and the final takeover of Trixie. Surely that shone through, right?
And the humor around them was... well, I've seen too many Sirenfics where the humor, if any, was directed at their expense. I... wanted to try something different, something where it all tied in for their favor, and made them want to grow closer to each other, to get the feel of the average My Little Pony episode. I'm... aware of how dark a premise this could of have gotten and wanted to liven it up.
I hope this helps elaborate on what I, for its warts, still think is a rather gripping story.