"You really cannot be serious..."
Bad Penny, the copper-coated, golden-maned pegasus who ran the criminal underworld of Spiketopia, glared at what had to be the most pathetic attempt upon her life that she had ever seen. In front of her was obviously a pony, hiding under a blanket in the middle of her bedroom, with a sign hanging around the neck that said, "Definitely not an assassin." Just underneath it was a second sign that said, "Seriously, don't look."
However this idiot had gotten into her lavishly furnished villa, past all of her guards, locks, and traps, was beyond her, but whoever this idiot was, he or she was in for a nasty surprise: Penny hadn't gotten to the top of the bottom of society just because she had a pretty face. Even without any weapons or backup, she could, and had more than once in the past, killed ponies with her bare hooves, tail, and even once crushed a stallion's head between her thighs. She wouldn't have to call for back-up for this: She'd disable this dimwit, and then torture the identity of who sent him or her here, and then maybe spend a couple more hours having further fun before finishing the dolt off.
"I'm not an idiot," Bad Penny stated, bluntly. "I know that there's a pony under that blanket."
"No, there isn't," the blanket promptly replied.
Giving a sigh, Penny asked, "If there isn't, then who just said that?"
"I'm a magical talking blanket," the 'blanket' responded, after a moment's thought.
That answer was so patently moronic that Bad Penny actually needed a few seconds to consider her respone. As she did, the pony underneath shifted slightly.
After a few more seconds, the 'blanket' added, "Would you believe that I'm also a magical, wish-granting blanket? Just close your eyes, count to ten, and I'll grant any wish you want."
Bad Penny finally lost her patience, and decided, 'Rut this, I'm not going to waste any more time with this stupidity.' Grabbing a corner of the blanket, she pulled it off, knocking the signs loose in the process, to reveal...
A crude mannequin in the shape of a pony had been underneath the blanket, with another sign hanging around its neck that said, "Isn't it sad how nopony trusts anypony anymore?" A second sign hung underneath it that said, "Oh, and also: Blanket Monster."
An expression of confusion on her face, Bad Penny asked to nopony in particular, "Blanket Monster?"
A shadow fell over her, and she turned to see that the blanket that she had tossed aside had risen up, claw-tipped fingers emerging from the corners and edges, and she could also see that the underside was lined with hundreds of razor sharp, shark-like teeth, with a half-dozen cat-slitted eyes staring hungrily at her.
"Oh," she said, weakly. "Blanket monster..."
----------------------------------
"OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM!!!"
In the hallway outside the room, Absurd Calamity, Abby to her friends, called over her shoulder, "Be sure to leave the head intact, Sweetums, I need it for the bount-eeeeeey!"
There was a distinct sound of someone spitting something out that landed with a muffled thud, like a head hitting a pillow rather hard. Well, at least he'd spit it out on something soft.
The black-coated, silver-maned unicorn inspected the bottom of her hoof while her summons continued his work. She often wondered why it was that nopony really invested much effort into studying the fine art of conjuration. There were so many fascinating magical creatures in the world, a being for every occasion. And for a pony like herself, who worked for the guild's bounty-hunting division, a creature like a blanket monster made for the perfect assistant on missions like this. Had she felt like waiting, she could have simply had Sweetums replace Bad Penny's real blanket, and done the job after the criminal scum had drifted off to sleep, but...
Well, any ol' wizard could kill a pony with magic, if they were powerful enough. It was the mark of a consummate professional and artiste like herself to be able to do so with style.
And besides, she'd gotten a good giggle out of it all, both in the planning and the execution. And really, if you can't find joy in your chosen vocation, then really, what was the point?
"All done!" Sweetums called out from the room behind her.
"Thanks, lovey-love," Abby said, in a silvery voice. She walked in, and confirmed that the blanket monster had, indeed, consumed all but the target's head, leaving not even a drop of blood of his prey, and the head was sufficiently intact for claiming the bounty on this wanted criminal. "I'll be sending you back now. See you later!"
As Sweetums faded away, he said, "Any time! Thanks for the munchy-crunchies!"
--------------------------------
A solid five thousand bits, easily the biggest bounty that she'd ever gone after. Absurd Calamity simply couldn't believe her good fortune. A single tip had panned out, letting her find the location of the single most wanted mare in the city. All it had taken after confirming her location was a few simple teleportation spells to get all the pieces in place, a sound-muffling spell to keep anypony from hearing her or Bad Penny, if she managed to get a scream out before the end, a mid-level summons to get Sweetums into the room, a few minutes to let events unfold, and then a final teleportation spell to exit without having to try and get past Bad Penny's guards, and she was scot-free, with Bad Penny's head stored in a pocket of holding so that Abby could walk down the streets without having to hold a severed head. Easy-peasey, hot-grilled-cheesey.
She practically danced as she cheerily made her way down the streets of Spiketopia. Being skilled at magic was practically a license to mint bits, if you simply had the imagination for it, something that for some reason was in short supply for most magic users. Well, bad cess to them for being a dull and dreary lot. Abbie had heaps of imagination, and if anypony thought ill of her for being willing to kill a pony for a bounty, they could take a look at Bad Penny's rap sheet (It stretched from floor to ceiling, thrice, and more than half of that was murder, conspiracy to commit murder, attempting to somehow invent super-, or perhaps even turbo-murder, and a number of crimes that paled in comparison to all the murder that was on that list) and they'd see that Abby was perfectly justified in taking advantage of the 'Dead' on that Dead or Alive bounty. Besides, more than a few ponies, more altruistic (Read: Moronic) than her had tried to take the incredibly dangerous Bad Penny alive, and had ended up adding another entry to that long list of murders.
All Abby would need to do now was turn in her bounty, and then she could spend the day at the spa, as a treat for such a fine day's work.
As she entered the guild, she noted that there was a bit of a line leading up to the clerk's desk. Right, it was the last day of the week, so most adventurers were turning in the bounties that they'd gotten this week (Some preferred to do it daily, but most preferred to just drop off a week's worth in one visit, so they didn't have to come in every day). A pity, that, but patience was a virtue, especially for a bounty hunter. However, there was a slight wrinkle: The back of the line was occupied by... blech, The Ratter, carrying a stinking load of giant rat tails.
Now, don't get Abby wrong, she didn't mind that The Ratter hunted giant rats. They were monsters, of course, and there was nothing wrong with collecting a bounty on them, but...
Well, The Ratter was so... dull about it. She was so staid, so stoic. All work, no play. Her entire life revolved around hunting rats, there was nothing else to her, really. She was so one-dimensional. She practically exuded a field of boredom around herself, making boring things even more boring just by being in the room. When Abby worked, she had style, panache, flair. And when she wasn't out working, Abby was hanging out with friends. She spent her bits on clothes, spell books, jewelry, trinkets, and sundries. She was more than just somepony who went out and killed stuff. She had a life outside of her work.
Well, at least the adventurer in front of her, a large biped in full plate, seemed fun.
"So there I was," the saurian figure said, relating a story. "In the middle of the woods, tracking down the Ghouls of Gastrolithia, in the middle of winter, trying to shake off a pack of wargs and another pack of worgs who thought I'd make good prey. Well, I thought to myself, ghouls will come out to eat any dead thing that they scent, even monsters. So, why not just use one problem to solve another, and kill them for bait?"
Surprisingly, The Ratter seemed to be listening attentively to the tale, in spite of the fact that, so far, rats had in no way been involved.
"So," the warrior continued, "I spotted a nice, thick tree that I could put my back against, so that I wouldn't have to worry about a feral canine trying to chew on the back of my head. An annoyance, of course, given that I was wearing my helmet, but hey, who needs that kind of a distraction? The wargs and worgs started to close in, although there was some friction between the two packs, a bit of growling and snapping, but they seemed willing to hold off on any fighting over my meat until they'd dealt with me. Pretty smart, wargs and worgs, in spite of what some might say. But then, there was a surprising sound, the sound of wood cracking, and I looked up to see a face form in the wood above me. It seemed that I had accidentally set my back against the trunk of an ent. Ents are, of course, foul-tempered and violent, even at the best of times, but when winter rolls around, they are downright unfriendly to anyone who wakes them up. Some would think that this was a stroke of bad luck. However, I've always felt that, when life gave me lemons, it was because I was supposed to make lemonade, no matter how evil the lemons might have been. It was a cold winter, and you know what? I'd need a fire to dispose of the ghouls when I was done with them, anyhow, so I figured, why not use this problem to deal with that one, too? After all, ent or not, the wood should burn fine, regardless..."
7592657
Schlock Mercenary, from an extended joke involving the words "Like a chainsaw through butter."
Oh, and I almost forgot: NEW CHAPTER UP!!!
Oh god, blanket monster:D:D That sounds awesome. I presume this lady may become the merry band's mage?
You're supposed to set fire to stuff with those lemons. Though it seems he just did that.
Hey, Bucking, now that Stalwart is changing jobs, what will be the income of his family? And most importantly, what will happen to the gates, now that there is noone OP protecting them?
You would have loved so much of 2nd edition. Where there were so many strange monsters you could shaking a greatsword till the end of time, then the sword would turn, animate and strike you.
But a summoner eh? this is going to be an interesting one. You have the warrior, the sneak, the mage, and the stoic, im curious if/how you plan the healer for this one.
So a variant cloaker? Nice! I was kinda hoping he would turn into her cape afterwards, though. Oh, wait. That would be summoner, not conjuror. Oh! Will there be any gunslinger or spellslinger classes?
7592883
Ah, but with them out adventuring, surely nothing will even reach the gates until the story demands it.
7593337 And if the story demands a rampaging monster killing family to create an edgy backstory?
7593435
Then he can think of something better than something getting through the gates to cause it. Maybe an apartment building (Stalwart's?) turns into an oubliette while said important family members are inside.
7593865 Why not have the building itself becoming a monster?
Berserker: "What's to stop me from kicking your face in?
White mage: "Because you touch me, and you're not getting back up again. That's right, I'm your White Mage. And nopony. Ruts. With the White Mage.
7593931
I love Dende.
Dear Bucking Nonsense
are you going to finish some of your earlier works or at least your last two ( Ogres and Oubliettes: Roll The Dice and
ALL GLORY TO THE OVERGOAT!!!)
Okay my thoughts on the setting and characters. I love the idea of a setting with actual dungeon crawling, dungeons, so this is looking good.
Gorethyndryllos: like Seath the Scaleless, if instead of becoming a race traitor and pervert researcher of forbidden lore, He decides to become an adventurer like Othar Tryggvassen, GENTLEMAN ADVENTURER! I haven’t really seen enough of him to make up my mind, but so far so good.
Stalwart Sentry: family man adventurers are surprisingly rare, even though it would cut down on the Succubi seduction traps, I actually liked him a lot, and the whole situation leading to him becoming a badass was heartwarming and kind of hilarious – a shift relief of thirty night guards – he seems like he became badass so gradually he didn’t notice.
The Ratter: awesome, simply awesome. Fighting the most underrated monster because of a personal tragedy. and I just love her personality. monster meat turning normal animals into monsters is a great excuse for the hoards of giant rats, spiders, and other creatures, that adventurers usually run into.
Abby: an entertaining mage assassin, I like how you used a rather nonstandard skillset for an assassin, if you are a magic unicorn you don’t need to go through ninja training to kill people.
If you are still looking for a healer character I think I have a suggestion: a cross between Father Grigori from Half-Life 2 and this guy.
Just maybe without dying so much… unless there is a Kenny situation going on or something, if you want less silly he just keeps getting separated from the party and getting into ‘no one could have survived that’ situations, he had to get good at healing magic for a reason. With the kind of luck the leaves a guy the sole survivor of horrible yet awesome events. Oubliettes are supposed to sometimes appear inside existing structures, like say, a church?
PS. is Princesses Celestia, Luna, Cadance and Discord D&D style deities?
So far I am very much enjoying the humor in this. Its very dark but it doesn't take it self to seriously which makes it even more enjoyable. I think Stalwart at the gate is my favorite character so far.
7595091
7595220
Or maybe I could make the cleric a bit like this guy.
I'd like to think that this was Warhammer's equivalent of Warhammer 40k's "HERESY!!!" *BLAM*
When you take prayer so serious that it turns your nose square.
7593435
Occupational hazard, love ;)
...the occupation being, of course, living in a high fantasy setting.
7595367
bible kill, funny.
holy face plants, also funny.
the rest of his personality and behavior is a lot less funny, torture and Warhammer 40k's style "HERESY!!!" *BLAM* would not be so funny.
Well, that was awesome. Looking forward to more chapters of this.
7593931 *cough* unless the White Mage really wants it.
7593335 Summoning and Calling are both subschools of Conjuration, aren't they?
7601162
Similar, but no. A conjuror class wizard or warlock is much as depicted above, with a different creature for every occasion. By contrast, a summoner can only summon his or her Eidolon, but it grows and evolves as the summoner levels up.
7602583
Give yourself a prize, you got the reference
Mayhaps you need one last character?
7601701 I think we're talking past each other. Looked it up on d20SRD, which I do believe is based on D&D 3.5, and Calling and Summoning are indeed subschools of Conjuration(along with healing, creation, and teleportation). What source material are you speaking about?
7604364
Oh, I was thinking the summoner class from Pathfinder. That's on d20pfsrd, though.
I really like how you made this simultaneously dark and light-hearted.
Keep it up, it's an amazing read so far
Okay I really love how monster meat causing mutations has created the normal animals of unusual sized that most RPG-settings are infested with. Also that one of the oubliettes was cleared by god damn rats! The most underestimated monster in the world, when only about twenty oubliettes have been cleared by ponykind since the oubliettes appeared.
It really makes it feel like the oubliettes have left their mark on this world, beyond destroying pony civilizations.
I have to ask, are there other creatures that has mutated from exposure to the oubliettes?
And a second question, have the ponies done anything with this?
Like, feeding monster meat to domesticated hunting dogs, so their loyal animal companions would become tougher, stronger and smarter.
Or maybe, they have concentrated the magic in the monster meat to create a super serum / magic steroid / stems. (fallout style drugs)
7609833
Thankfully, most animals do not eat monster flesh as a general rule. Like in Equestria, most animals don't eat meat. Even Twilight's owl doesn't eat mice, if you'll recall. And those that are carnivorous are either monsters themselves, or more likely to go after easier prey than monsters. Rats, though, are scavengers, and they get everywhere. Adventurers kill monsters, but barring a few creatures like trolls who will regenerate if not burned, adventurers don't dispose of the corpses, kinda just leaving them where they lie (As most D&D and RPG adventurers tend to do). In real life, this would mean (In addition to the diseases that run rampant when you leave dead bodies laying around to fester and rot) that scavengers will come and feast on the remains, and while most insects, like flies and roaches and whatnot, are limited in how much they can consume due to their small size and smaller stomachs, rats are large enough and hungry enough to be able to eat enough monster flesh to become monstrous. Plus, they maintain their same rate of multiplication, allowing them to grow to great numbers. While some other monsters may be able to grow larger and more terrible if they eat monster flesh, only rats are able to attain the size, numbers, and powers necessary to be able to overwhelm Oubliettes, adventurers, and entire cities alike.
As to feeding meat to dogs to get them to grow bigger and stronger, while it has been attempted, and well...
Worgs and Wargs are the results of wolves and dogs having eaten monster flesh, and the results were so profound and terrible that, asides from a few differences that an experienced adventurer can pick up, there's not much to set them apart: Both will eat your face without remorse if they catch you.
It's not much of a homebrew. It's basically a Trapper from AD&D (a monster that pretends to be the floor). There's also Lurker Above (a monster that pretends to be the ceiling), Stunjelly (a monster that pretends to be a wall), Cloaker (a monster that pretends to be a cloak), Sheet Phantom (a monster that pretends to be a sheet), Mawler (a monster that pretends to be clothing), Xaver (a monster that pretends to be a sword), and Raggamoffyn (a monster that pretends to be dirty laundry).
Basically, if you're playing D&D, run around unarmed and naked, and hope you can escape while the floor, ceiling, and walls argue over who gets to eat you.
7770162 Or you know, just an average Mimic. If you thought Mimics could only be in the form of chests you are sorely mistaken.
Relevant image: http://i.imgur.com/epffrPq.jpg (Right click and open in new tab to see the image.)
What are you talking about?
The note rather clearly states that there is no assassin here
Have fun sleeping tonight everyone
And then there were four
Gore, Stalwart, Ratter and Abby.
Pretty well-rounded, a support would be good but not necessary.
The potential friction in the party from Ratter's and Abby's personalities clashing could be interesting.
Stalwart's potential problems with his father-in-law and the general madness from being married and having a foal could offer some interesting situation.
And Gore, Gore buddy, you're a potential treasure trove of stories and shenanigans as a stranger in strange land