I somehow ended up in the past. I'm not sure how far back I am, but I do know this was even before Celestia. This is much less peaceful and kind then back home, and I will have to be careful. This is much different then I thought, and I will have to survive this Equestria if I want to get home alive. Maybe Celestia can get me back to the right time. This doesn't even look like Equestria, I wonder how far I went back. I need to keep my identity as an alicorn hidden for now, and see what this world is like.
Cover art was from: zoarvek. I did a few edits on it.
Chapters (2)
Not bad, but not good. I would have liked to see some more conflict with the inhabitants of this timeline; if this is so far back, common Equestrian language probably doesn't exist anymore, and we can certainly see from the show that Equestrian has evolved over time because of Luna's 'ye olde' speech patterns.
Basically my only complaint.
That said, I kind of want to see how this goes.
7518916 I would have loved to, but I can't, for the life of me, type that. I could try and edit it and see if I could
good start, part of me hopeing it end up with twilight being mother of both princess,
I hope you keep this story going, I watt to see where its headed.
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Maybe ye'olde speech is just royal speech? Not something ponies use in everyday life?
7520647 What I was getting at, is that if Twilight is back a full like 2 thousand years, because Celestia's probably that old seeing as her appearance during her dual with Nightmare Moon and her appearance in current times are the same, then those ponies back then probably speak something that is the language that Equestrian came from. Basically, they'd all be speaking old Frankish or fuckin old English.
That's just my idea, and that's what I would have done because it would have given a real idea of how long ago it was and added a nice tone of mystery, since she can't talk to anyone.
This is a fantastic story concept, and if you keep at this, you could have an awesome epic story on your hands. However, get yourself an editor as soon as possible. Something as simple as grammar can make or break a story, and yours is unfortunately subpar. I have definitely seen stories go from bad grammar to masterpieces, though, so keep at it!
The story seems rather rushed and lacking on detail. I like the idea and it's a good base for a story, maybe have a look at some of the older terms used though? From what the shows writers have said the time before the princesses was based on the dark ages from our own time though loosely many of the terms apply.
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Thank you! After I have read over it a few times, I do agree I rushed this first chapter. I'll try and find me an editor
Not bad, a little bit more of detail would help, like the contents of the newspaper, or of what was made said newspaper considering the time, that helped detail the date. Also, it would be a good idea to see a little bit more of this world, how the species treat each other out, social castes, etc.
So far you have the idea and now the structure, all you need now is the world building.
There's a couple spelling errors, like this.
Celestia, and breath. Breathe is spelled right, but you meant breath. All in all, good so far though.
7527662 Oops. Thanks
7527693 If you need aan editor still I recommed editors r us because instead waiting for them to reply to an editor request you can contact them directly. https://www.fimfiction.net/group/200289/editors-r-us
Well, I basically played spin-the-bottle and read this one.
Some thoughts starting off. The beginning is rushed. Very little description is given to anything, leading barely any pictures being formed in my head as I read. I'd definitely consider slowing things down, spending more time giving us an idea as to what things look, what her surroundings are like, and so. As it stands now, it feels mostly empty, without anything to really provoke our imaginations.
Aside from that, the only other thing I'd like to address are a few awkward sentences and the like.
You say indicate her vision even though you just explained that it was her vision she was waiting for, so you really don't need it the second time.
I think that bit at the end is a typo.
This sentence is present tense, yet everything else is past tense.
Anyway, I'll take a look at something else of yours some time soon as well.
7669157 Thanks for that. Chapter 2 should hopefully feel less rushed :)
god I hope this updates!
7692369 Dont we both hope
Well done! This is a significant improvement over the first chapter! Keep this up, it's sure to be an interesting ride.
A couple things though, keep working on grammar. There were a couple misspelled words and such. Also, watch your tense. I assume you want to tell this story in past tense, so make sure to turn "is" into "was" and the like.
Finally, a couple sentences caught my attention:
Try to keep "you" out of the narration. It detracts from the atmosphere of the story. If you have a character (like Pinkie for example) who is talking directly to the audience, that's different. But in normal narration, avoid expressions that use second tense. For example, in the first case, try something like "a picture, rather poor, fortunately."
Keep up the good work!
Not a normal Inn?.....
Oh boy.... i have a bad feeling about this
Great job so far, first chapter caught my eye. Plus the second is a definite improvement. Just watch out for spelling errors. I did happen on a few wrong words in sentences and some sentences that could have been built a bit better. But good luck and this should be quite the interesting ride.
*Cringe* I know first-person stories can be difficult to write, but this is very stilted. It seems more like Twilight is simply reading a script than actually narrating what's happening to her. As such, it feels devoid of personality. If I had to provide an example, I would think "The Slayers" novels would be a great example of first-person, magical, adventure writing. Now I want to read a Slayers crossover with Twilight Sparkle as Lina Inverse. Can you imagine instead of using the Elements of Harmony, Twilight just threw a million fireballs at Nightmare Moon until she gave up, lol. Anyway, I'm sure it's nothing a bit of practice won't fix.
Would ponies even have newspapers three thousand years ago? I mean, humans invented it in 1440. Maybe in the Age of Discord, Discord literally nuked civilization to the stone age. I guess it would mean the Age of the Two Sisters would be like a Rennasance. Never mind, it can make sense if you play the history right.
You misspelled "unconsciousness" in the first sentence.
Interesting. Will you continue this? The prompt shows promise, and the writing is not shabby either. Have a like, and I'll be following this one.
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I'm planning to hopefully get back into this yes
Just another one on my plate, the hook has penetrated me once again and I'm feeling the line coming taut. I like it!
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