War, struggle, pain, suffering. These thoughts vacated, their rooms left void, a young unicorn knight must find it in himself to marry she who he had always fancied.
Returning with his lord, Prince Plenty, from a hard fought war over farms of the laughable Earth Pony Kingdom, the young knight Midas Silvermane finds himself enamored with the daughter of his and his lord's generous host, a baron and family friend of the Prince.
All the while set to court the young lady, Midas indulges in his own generosity and plays the wing-pony to his dearest comrade, a stallion convinced that marriage is foul and adamant to live out as a bachelor.
Chapters (1)
Alright I have a few things to comment on.
First you clearly are a victim of talking heads. In case you are unaware of this term allow me to explain. In stories there are three essential parts of them. These three are plot, characters, and setting. Talking heads is when you don't use the former. When the setting of a part of a story is not used it takes people out of the story because it doesn't feel like the characters are IN the setting. I found myself getting bored reading dialogue over and over again with next to nothing to break it up.
Second I didn't really see much conflict in the story. Conflict is the essence of a story. It is what drives readers to continue to read. I did not see anything here that resembled a challenge to be overcome.
Lastly the language feels very Shakespearean and honestly I don't like it. At all.
In conclusion I feel your story needs work. As it currently is it feels far more like a play than a story.
7317307 Your assessment is fair, but I'd like to give my retort.
I do prefer a plot, but this is a comedy meant for jovial banter, at least for the introduction. "Talking heads" is not a term I'm familiar with but it was the main idea, seeing as the first chapter was a test to see if people would take to a Shakespeare inspired work. The plot begins in the coming chapters when the characters begin plotting -pun intended- the wedding, additional relationship between friends, and another arsehole royal returns from the war and causes trouble because of boredom. No need to worry about plot or conflict, for though it is based on Shakespeare's comedy, and it a comedy itself, some pony will probably die. Just to keep with the general theme of my stories.
Indeed, there was a bit of dialogue bombing, but the setting for this chapter was literally just the foyer of the Baron's castle, where the majority of the characters were introduced. We see the Prince and Baron are on good terms, and the knights Midas and Oleander have a familiarity with the Baron's estate as well. Iris is the quieter daughter, while her cousin has a spark to her will and wit.
In regards to the language, it's entirely necessary for the Shakespearean language to be use, lest it not seem authentic. I'll divulge from it greatly in terms of complexity and vocabulary as events veer from what happens in Much Ado About Nothing, and this will probably take longer simply because I'm a novice with this type of English. While you may not like it, Shakespeare is not for everyone, and that's perfectly fine. There's nothing wrong with hating it, and equally, there's nothing wrong with liking it.
Finally, it is play-like. Later chapters will be longer with more activity to them, as I personally hate writing dialogue, but it's based on Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing," if you somehow haven't gathered that by now, and should appear so in many ways. I'll imagine more complex stage direction and translate that into book form, but it shouldn't stray too far.
I appreciate the critique, and though I was not expecting one so thorough, I'm glad to see. It seems Shakespeare isn't your preferred literary material, but I would ask that you give it a try. Many of them have interesting themes and even some parallels to modern stories in ways you would not expect. For example, Handsome Jack is basically Prince Hamlet.
7317859 Oh I already figured it was based on the play. Though I haven't read it myself. I can read Shakespeare its just I gotta take it piece by piece whenever I do to understand what is even going on half the time. So its more me being lazy.
I had to read MacBeth and honestly it was the only Shakespeare play I actually felt compelled to read. So maybe I will check out a few more stuff. I have been putting off reading Othello for years.
As for my critique I figured I'd like the same kind of critique so I aimed to be thorough. Anyway good luck with your story.