I am a huge fan of fluttershy. so its likely she will be a character in each of my stories.
Fluttershy gets woken up by a fairy in her house in the kokiri forest. To save equestria, shell have to rid the temples of all evil and rescue princess twilight
yes i realise the picture isnt fluttershy, but its the most relevant i have
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I like the idea! No, I LOVE the idea! Though I must say, for some fair criticism,after she received her weapon, and especially during inside the Great Dek- err Apple Tree, the series of events seemed a bit rushed, and Fluttershy's speech seemed very out of character at parts. I like how Jay seems to be the aggressive one of the pair, and so as a suggestion, I'd like to say that it'd sound more in-character if he was the stubborn antagonizing protagonist that constantly pushes Fluttershy through conflicts instead of Fluttershy's sudden outbursts of Flutterrage.
I'm sorry if I came off as arrogant, but I'm only saying this cause I REALLY like where you're going with this, and I implore you to continue
/643
thanks for the feedback, it might have seemed rushed because i fell asleep a few times writing this, so i might have forgotten where i was up to.
It might have been out of character(the only part i can really think of is the gilda part, but that was on purpose
Jay is actually supposed to be based on a friend who gave me the will to write this, hes the agressive one because navi seemed very outgoing during the games, and Jay is a male, so it only seems fitting hes even MORE outgoing.
Fluttershys "flutterrage
" was there because(and i feel like i have to mention this) i was actually bullied during my childhood and that is exactly what i felt like doing. just... going ballistic.
thank you so much for the feedback, it means a lot.
644
Hmm
it seems people are taking a liking to Jay...
Hahaha...
anyways, i wish i could enjoy this story like other LoZ fans but i cant
it is well written though, i can say that much
I must say, the ranch was a nice twist of events! I was expecting you to go right to Hyrule Castle Town, but I like this better!
; no one read what he says anyway hahaha
Awwww I was really hoping you'd keep Aloysius in the place of Kaepora Gaebora
Ponies riding ponies? What has the world come to??
Anyhoo, this is much more well written than chapter 1, in my opinion
774
i originally was confused about what to do about the epona situation, and i realised that every situation except for a lesser race of ponies seemed awkward
ch2 was
ponies riding horse... sounds right to me 
keep up the great work.
lol still think it would be funny to see her stomping a sword without glue-hooves or hoof-cleft. She'd be all,
, then all
, then 
, AND THEN
Yay chapter three!
(On a completely unrelated side note, there need to be more ponimoticons)
Though I'm curious: do you edit these? I noticed a few things that could have easily been avoided by a quick skim over, such as capitalization errors and such.
TWILIGHT PRINCESS!
1032
sometimes i do, sometimes i dont, it all depends on what kind of mood im in
I loved the bit with the owls, and I'm interested to see where this "ponies riding horses" goes.
I'm going to track this. I actually have a similar crossover going on and am interested to see what similar parallels are drawn between the two of us.
You need to do a lot of grammatical work on this. The mane differences are notably the difference between Your and you're. Some of your sentences are really long and should probably be broken up into two. Just saying a little editing work might be scheduled for the future.
Just a heads up guys, The next chapter is a bit hard to write because it was the easiest boss fight for me, so its not easy to write an extended fight scene on it.
Okay, firstly, brava for writing something this long. It's only the first chapter, I know, but I g2g for a bit. I shall continue when I return
Apart from the tense and grammatical errors your already aware of, the biggest flaw I find in this piece that the amount of description within it. The areas you've described simply aren't described in enough detail. I'm sure that someone who has already played the Ocarina of Time will be able to visualise each of the areas, but, as a reader who hasn't played the game, the details are too vague to provide an accurate depiction of the story and I can't be completely adsorbed by the piece as there are small flaws within the story itself which are holding the immersion back.
For example, when Fluttershy is climbing up the vines using the hook and screw implements, yet at the top uses her wings to stabilise herself, it raises the question, why didn't she just use her wings in the first place? As a Pegasus pony, she has the ability to fly, so why not use it? If her wings are too weak to support her weight, why are they weak? It's small details like that which break the flow and any immersion.
I know you're trying to follow the Ocarina of Time plot accurately, but don't be afraid to sacrifice the smaller details to allow the story to make more sense.
Anyways, I gotta dash here. Keep on writing, remember the tips and, most of all,
have fun.
Atra esterni ono thelduin
Mearad
3230
first off, her wings are weak because she hasnt grown up using them like a pegasus would(also shes afraid of heights). i thought i pointed that out. must have slipped my mind.
I know that you won't be re-writing the past chapters to make sense with the new past-tense point of view, but you could at least fix all the grammar errors.
If the problem is that you have no proofreaders, I'll be happy to help with that
