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The Lost Thoughts of a Solemn Soul

Equestria doesn't exist. At least, not one where the Elements of Harmony have been discovered. How could they? The Element of Laughter can't even stand on her own. At least, not at her will, she can't. She's stuck, a prisoner in her mind. She wants to move, but she just sits, day in and day out, staring at nothing...

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 3 )

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TheDizzyDan

TheDizzyDan #1 · Jan 1st, 2016 · 1 · ·

There were a few moments that were a little hard to follow, especially with all the pronouns with unclear antecedents, but I think understood the premise of the story and the gist of the events you described. It's a neat little piece.

As for your use of tenses, just because the story is written in the present tense doesn't mean that all your verbs have to be present. The scene about making candy bracelets with Maud felt it should've been in past tense for at least a portion because it was a reflection in the present on past events. You're allowed to change tenses then; in fact, it would make the story's timeline clearer if you did that. Or perhaps the obfuscation was deliberate: you deliberately made it present tense because Pinkie's mind is so muddled that the past and present are hard to distinguish from present events similar in nature.

I like this story a good bit. The story does come across as very grey and dismal, but it's just marred by how there are some things mechanically wrong with it and it's a little hard to tell exactly what you means at certain points.

lucarioinfamous

lucarioinfamous #2 · Jan 3rd, 2016 · · ·

6789352 To be honest, I've been meaning to rewrite it since I posted it, but as my life has become insanely hectic for the past several months, I've had trouble even concentrating on a story even older, and about ten times as long as this one, let alone make the changes I wanted to this one.

TheDizzyDan