Thankfully, the kitchens weren't in the same state that I'd originally left them.
While not true insects themselves, changelings are a tidy, industrious people. If there's a mess, they clean it up. No one even needs to say anything. There's none of that 'Somebody Else's Problem' or 'I'm Sure Someone Else Will Get That'. They see a mess, and they clean it up. They see a job needs to be done, and they get together as many other changelings as are needed, and then do it. In a way, it's like ants, termites, or other colony dwelling insects: Everyone knows, on an almost instinctive level, that they have a responsibility towards the overall upkeep of the hive, and they do their part without complaint. It's a level of civic responsibility that most other societies would envy, including equines.
Of course, some level of leadership is still needed. That's why leaders like a queen, or the commander, are needed. That's also why, even though I'd succeeded in using up the remaining food supplies last night, the commander had sent out a detachment to purchase food supplies, as well as the precooked meals that Skyflower, Discord, and I had for breakfast and lunch. The commander had seemed surprised that I intended to cook dinner for myself and for my wife, but after he and Leni escorted us to the kitchens, he kept silent about it. As a changeling, he wasn't going to question the eating habits or courtship rituals of another species, I guess.
Not that it was a courtship, mind you. I just wanted to get to know my 'wife' a little bit better.
Skyflower and I... we talked while I cooked. I told her about Voldemort, and what I could remember of the Harry Potter series. Given that it was a series she'd likely never get to read, I didn't bother keeping the ending a secret. In exchange, she told me her life story...
It's a long story, with a lot of interesting stuff, but too much to relay here. Not all of it is relevant. We'd be here all week if I told you everything she ever did, and it is a good deal more serious than the contents of this story would allow. I'll give you the basics.
King Sombra: What. A. Dick. Seriously, King Sombra is the dicktator of Dicktopolis, capital of the Dicknolian Empire, situated on planet Dickdick, which can be found in the Dicktrocious system, in the Megadick galaxy. If you looked up dick in the dicktionary, you'd see a picture of King Sombra with the label 'What a fucking dick'. I could go on all day, but I won't. But I could.
Skyflower's father, Blanco Brillante, was the epitome of a nice guy. He was the cultural liason representing unicorns in the lands of the earth ponies, back in the days when the alliance between the three pony races was in its infancy. He worked long and hard to ensure that peace would reign in the newly found Equestria, and he did a damned good job. It's a pity that no one remembers him: Sombra's evil ended up overshadowing everything that his twin brother and Skyflower ended up doing. You heard me: Twins. Equal, but opposite.
To keep things simple, I'll give you a short highlight reel, including a few personal notes I made, for the life that Skyflower lived up until now.
Year 0: Skyflower is born. Duh.
Year 5: Skyflower earned her mark after using a pyrotechnic spell to liven up a fairly dull celebration.
Year 8: Skyflower's father dies, as does her mother. Illness. She's absolutely certain of it. Her uncle had nothing to do with it. She checked. With no other living relatives, she was put under the care of her uncle. The very same week, he threw her down the cellar stairs and locked her away for three days, for playing with a young earthpony. Colt was never seen again. A week later, Sombra dismissed all non-unicorns from the estate that Sky's father kept. Thankfully, dismissed is not a euphemism: Skyflower begged and pleaded, and her uncle relented, letting the staff go unharmed. He'd originally planned to kill them all on general principles.
(Note to self: If I ever meet King Sombra, throw him down as many stairs as I can find.)
Years 9-13: Skyflower's life goes on. She learned very quickly to keep out from under her uncle's hooves, and to stay away from non-unicorns. She was only thrown down the cellar steps twice, and backhoof slapped twenty-three times, over this time period.
(Note to self: Educate King Sombra on how to properly perform a bitchslap, by slapping the bitch out of his bitch-assed face.)
Year 14: Skyflower left home, and joined the army. By this point, her uncle had sold just about everything that had been intended for her when she came of age. Amongst other treasured items included her mother's jewelry box. While many of the items lost hurt, this one was the one that hurt most: Some of those items had belonged to her family for generations, and were irreplacable. She had no idea what he used the money for.
(Note to self: If King Sombra has no problems with losing the family jewels, he should not complain too much after I've gelded him.)
Year 15: In spite of being penniless, homeless, and horribly underage, Skyflower has reached the rank of lieutenant in the army, and leaves the rank in the dust in less than three moons. The Equestrian army is busy, fighting monsters, tracking down bandits, and repelling invaders. Plenty of opportunities to earn fame, renown, and promotions for an ambitious pony. Skyflower was a rising star.
Year 18: Skyflower holds the rank of Knight Commander, one of the highest ranks in the Equestrian army. She is both the first mare, and the youngest pony, to ever hold that rank. Sadly, this was the year Sombra decided to reveal his overall dickishness to the world, and conquer the Crystal Empire. Skyflower tries to talk him out of this. It does not end well: Sombra locks Skyflower in a cage, where she nearly starves to death.
(Note to self: It is official. Hanging is too good for King Sombra. I swear, when I get my hands on him, I will braid his fucking limbs together, then tie a knot in his neck. And then... I'll really go to town on him. I won't go medieval, I will go fucking bronze age on his ass.)
Year 19 (Now): After being found, rescued, and nursed back to health, Skyflower re-enlists in the military. There were few other places where someone with her unique background could hope to succeed, outside of the Crystal Empire, and she wasn't exactly welcome there right now, due to her uncle's assholish behavior. Sadly, this is not the Equestria of a thousand years ago, and opportunities for advancement are much more rare. As such, she is becoming increasingly frustrated by her lack of progress. She was able to make lieutenant immediately, based solely on her abilities earned through years of military experience, but has not moved an inch beyond that. She volunteered for Operation: Bughunt, hoping for a chance to win some measure of respect, and possibly a promotion, if things went well. They didn't.
So yeah, she lead a really damned interesting life before she met me.
It explained a few things, like why her voice sounded like an aristocratic lady's from some sort of period drama: One thousand years ago, that's exactly what she'd been. It also explained why she'd thrown a fit when the granddaddy of all villains had shown up in front of her. If she and her company had caught me, that would have been her ticket back to her former rank, at the very least. When they refused to move? A full year of pent up frustration had caused her to blow a gasket. My prodding hadn't helped.
Oddly enough, that outburst, plus recent events, had helped to mellow her out a bit. After a year of constant stress, she'd had a chance to get drunk, let her hair down, and cut loose, and that had made her feel about a million times better than she had just two days ago.
"So, what about you?" Skyflower asked me, after about two hours of discussing her past.
As I finished the preparations for our dinner (We'd decided, after a small snack, to hold a picnic on the roof when the full meal was completed), I said, "Nothing so interesting. I wouldn't want to bore you." I hoped that she'd let the matter drop.
My hopes were in vain. With an odd expression that I still didn't fully recognize, she said, "Maybe I'd like to be bored for a little while."
Something in her expression told me that I wasn't going to get out of this. Rolling my eyes, I said, "Fine. My father was a certified public accountant. My mother was a lawyer. She specialized in divorces. Nothing spectacular, but it put food on the table. I have three younger sisters. Triplets. They were getting ready to go to college, before I ended up here. I made good, alright, I'll admit, very good grades in school. After I graduated from high school, a friend of the family pulled some strings and got me on a game show called Jeopardy. It was a show where you answered questions to earn money, and if you won more money than the other two contestants, you could come back again the next day and compete against two more for more money. I won for three weeks straight, before I had made enough to pay for my college tuition for the first few years. I had to take on a student loan to get my masters. While I was attending classes, I worked at a toy store to pay the bills, and I joined the boxing club to keep in shape. College took about, oh, eight years total. I had earned my masters in structural engineering a week before I arrived here."
In the contest regarding who had the more impressive backstory, she had me beaten in terms of length alone, let alone content.
As she picked up the picnic basket, she smiled and said, "Well, there's something to be said for the simple life, I..." Her expression turning concerned, Skyflower asked, "Are you alright?"
Taking a bite out of my own, I answered, "I'm alright. Why do you ask?"
"You're crying," she said, now clearly worried.
Wiping the tears away quickly, I said, "It's nothing. Probably just from the onions." Like I said, I really hadn't wanted to talk about the past: I died, remember? Even if I was alive here, I was dead back home. I wasn't going to be seeing my family, or any of my friends, ever again. If I started dwelling on that, I'd probably just break down and never start back up again.
Sorry. I know that that isn't very funny. I try my best not to be 'emo', but dammit, man, I have a heart!
"You know," Skyflower said, almost conversationally, "it has always surprised me how modern males seem to think that tears are a sign of weakness. Back a thousand years ago, it was anything but."
Desperate for a change of subject, I asked, "Really? Do go on."
Nodding, she said, "Oh yes. In fact, some of the bravest and most valiant knights of the age were known to weep openly when saddened. Sir Silver Lance wept for three days straight when his best friend and comrade in arms Golden Axe fell in battle, and was known to weep every time his friend's name was mentioned for years afterwards..."
As we began making our way to the roof, chatting all the way, I noted that our escorts had vanished. I was certain that they'd been with us just a few seconds ago...
-------------------------------------
Outside the kitchens...
Upon seeing the emperor's tears, both changelings had decided to give the couple some time to themselves. Thus, Leni and Ash began to patrol the halls of the hive. Ash, primarily out of habit, and Leni because she had plans for Ash after he had finished his nightly patrol. Sexy, sexy plans.
"I had not considered," Ash admitted, breaking the silence between them, "that he might have had a family and friends that he had left behind, ones he might never see again. He's done so much for us, and yet we know so little about him..."
After a moment's thought, Leni said, "We really should do something for him. You know, show him how much we appreciate everything he's done for us."
Ash stopped suddenly, then said, "That's a good idea." A corner of his mouth twitched up in a smile as he added, "In fact, I might know just the thing. I wonder if anyone is still awake, over at the armory. Ah, but first, we'll need to head over to the throne room. It's time that the queen's gaudy old throne was used for something useful..."
Sadly, the sexy plans would have to wait for a couple of hours, it seemed. Oh well, the night was young...
----------------------------------
At the Tree of Harmony...
"Twilight, ah'm not sure if this is a good idea," Applejack said, as she, Twilight, and the rest of their friends gathered around the Tree of Harmony. "We really should be waitin' for Princess Celestia to reply to that letter you sent her."
"There's no time to spare, Applejack," Twilight said, as she began repeating the spell that she'd witnessed once before, while under the influence of the flashback potion. "Princess Celestia won't be awake until sunrise, and I couldn't reach Luna at the palace. We're on our own until sunrise. We can't afford to delay: By this time tomorrow, Tirek might be powerful enough to conquer Equestria all on his own."
Rarity, rubbing sleep from her eyes (She'd already turned in after a hard day's work when Dashie had started banging on her door) said, "Darling, while I'm just as scared as you are that Tirek could bring a disaster down upon our heads, are you sure this is the best course of action? We returned the Elements of Harmony to the tree specifically because it was losing power. If we remove them, we'll risk the Everfree Forest getting all... grabby again." She shuddered at the thought. All those spiky vines, plus a population comprised primarily of nudists, did not make for a fun combination.
"It's a risk we'll have to take," the princess said, as the elements finally came loose from the tree. "I doubt that the forest will start going crazy right away, so as long as we bring the elements back once we're done, everything should be fine." After a moment's pause, she admitted, "And unless one of you can figure out how to awaken the Rainbow Power, this is our best bet for stopping both Tirek and the changelings before someone gets hurt."
The others couldn't come up with a better idea, themselves...
-----------------------------------------
At an undisclosed location...
Sombra was on the move. In order to minimize the effort necessary to keep mobile, he allowed his body to temporarily revert to a living shadow. In that state, he might have moved somewhat slowly, but he could easily circumvent any obstacles in his path with minimal effort. More importantly, at night this form was easier to keep hidden from magical detection: A shadow in pitch darkness blends perfectly with the natural ambient dark magic already present after sunset.
His return from Hades was certain to have been noticed: If Celestia and Luna came looking for him now, in his damaged state, it would prove a nearly unwinnable battle. No, he'd need to cement his return before then. His power was greater now than it had ever been, but the lion's share was being used to keep his body together. Once he was whole, he could utilize one hundred percent of his power, making him more than a match for either princess... or both at once, if need be.
Locking a master of fear and hate inside of Hades had proven to be a terrible idea. He'd absorbed so much power that he might have been able to ascend to an alicorn, provided he'd been willing to soil his perfect unicorn form with something as profane as wings. Still, all he needed was to offer one little life, at the right place and time, and the contract would be completed, and he would truly live again.
Soon...
----------------------------------
At Sombra's previous location...
Luna watched with something akin to amusement as Discord began sniffing out the area, having changed his appearance to that of a bloodhound. As she waited, she pondered the news that Discord had brought to her, earlier. She was deeply thankful that this was not a true return of Tirek, naturally. And the fact that the changelings now appeared much more interested in creating a permanent, peaceful settlement was certainly a good thing. Still, she was itching for an opportunity to go and verify things for herself...
"I have his trail," Discord said, his tone uncharacteristically serious. Well, Sombra was a serious threat to everyone, his friends included. Especially his friends, given their role in defeating him last time. "But he won't be easy to track tonight," he admitted, irritated. "He's decided to cheat, and turned himself into a shadow. Until sunrise, he'll be almost impossible to hunt down. All I have is his general direction. After sunrise, though, it shouldn't be difficult to find him."
Luna sighed, then nodded. "Very well. Thank you, Discord. I'll be returning to Canterlot for now. I'll leave the search to you. When you do locate him, contact my sister and I first. Sombra has always proven himself to be crafty, as well as supremely powerful. It would be dangerous to try and take him on alone."
Morphing back to his normal state, Discord clasped his hands together and said, "Awww, you're worried about me? I'm touched. I didn't know you cared."
Luna narrowed her eyes briefly, before giving a small smile and saying, "I suppose that I do. Equestria just wouldn't be the same without you."
Discord snorted in annoyance that she'd not risen to his bait, but Luna was almost certain that she saw that he was blushing. Well, that was a surprise: For the first time, she'd succeeded in getting under his skin...
---------------------------------------
Smith, the armorer of the changeling hive, looked over at the throne, as well as the plans that both Ash and Leni had drawn up. After a moment's thought, he said, "Yeah, I could make it work. But just just gold and gemstones won't work. For someone his size, it'd end up being too heavy, and not very useful asides from ornamentation. 'Sides, the emprah doesn't strike me as the type to wear something that tacky. But..."
Ash and Leni, both hopeful, asked, "But?"
Turning towards a chest in the corner, he said, "We came across a stash of rare materials a while back, before the new queen was born. I'd originally planned on using it to make a suit of battle armor, up until we found out that she was the type to lead from behind. Way behind." With a chuckle, he added, "But given the little display that we saw this morning, the new boss is nothing like the old boss. It'll take a bit of effort, but I think I can have it ready by dawn."
The commander nodded, then said, "Thank you. I'm sorry about making you work through the night..."
Smith waved away the apology, and said, "I partied hard, then woke up late with a hangover, and yet I still feel better than I have in decades." With a smile, he added, "Besides, it's past time our emperor started looking the part..."
NEW CHAPTER UP!!!
i'd succeeded? wat? that doesnt work thar
5469887
man, I love stories that are bucking nonsense...
Can not and will not stop laughing
I just reread the last chapter and saw the nex button
My face still hurts from the smile
Back on the featured list.
I wonder what happens when you use the Elements of Harmony on someone who's legitimately innocent?
I'm hoping for 'The Death Ray boomerangs and give you a giant rainbow bitchslap of friendship'
5469887 I WEAR A TIN FOIL HAT WITH HONOUR
YES!!!!!I ITS UP!!!
Darn it, I had just started reading "What I've Become"... but on the other hoof, "Who is This Lord Tirek You Speak Of?" updated! Woohoo!
5469937
hmmm, the rainbow of bitchslap.
the elements of bitchslapiness.
the elements of bitchslap.
Anything else?
5469953
5469900 boo bad pun
Aww yeah! This is getting good!
5469964
Oh that's stone cold hard. Rock did I ever do to you? My lines are sedimentary, igneously crafted. You wouldn't want to put me under pressure would you? Well, even if you do, I'll come out like a diamond in the rough. But seriously bantering with me will just make you boulder and that shale's in comparison with the volcanic response you'd get from me.
5469964 I have to disagree there. If that person was drunk this would be a great joke.
also what i want the six to do is going according to plan...
5469962 Nice video!
5469974
mlpforums.com/uploads/post_images/img-3285587-2-Maud_Pie_smiling_S4E18.png
......#LordEmporerMcAwesomeTown4President2015
For the Emprah'!
That's a lot of dickery on Sombra's part. I wonder how many dicks he's made out of.
Oh shit me, Twilight's plan is to buy the farm for Equestria. She's gonna weaken the Tree, which is likely not fully healed, Sombra is gonna take the opportunity somehow, and then shit will rain on Equestria while she and her merry five-friend band go off to attempt to fight an innocent.
Mark my words, it's gonna be up to Skyflower and Lord Conrad to save Equestria... and serve Sombra the Homo Sapiens kind of retribution.
This chapter made me chogglughckerawcklert.
HAH!
5469997
5470004
he is such a dick, his 2nd name is dicker Mc. Dickerson.
he is such a dick, every time he speaks the words "dick" come out of his mouth when he talks or farts.
his true form is a phallus.
5469960 THE BITCHIEST SLAP OF ALL BITCHSLAPS SLAPS A BITCH WITH A BITCHSLAP. TO THE DOME.
5470029
the Bitchslap dome, the greatest bitchslap arena to date.
Refreshed just before going to bed, saw a new chapter, had to read it of course, can't just let it sit, it isn't like wine, it won't get better with age! (Unless it does, then, woah)
5470017
The Codecks astartees nehmes this maneuvah Steel Rehn. We will descend upon the foe, we will ovawhelm them – we will leave none alive!
Steel Rehn
Some steh dry and others feel the pehn
Steel Rehn
Landing the 'ling makehs infernahl din
Im pretty sure thats how the Canterlot Shield went down, so the 'lings now their codex.
Awesome
I LOVE IT!
"The Emprah" you say?
Let me guess. That rare material he was talking about, by any chance, was it ceramite or maybe adamantium?
new4.fjcdn.com/comments/3308002+_1406b705df322094e718be18b2200c7e.jpg
5470031 What if... What if somebody Bitch-Slapped somebody else in the balls inside the dome?
Please tell me that the Rare Materials they found were basically Pony Orichalcum.
This is funny, but you seem to be trying way too hard to try and get us to sympathize with these characters, and its becoming annoying rather than endearing.
5469974
Schist, man, lay off the puns. There's no need to not be gneiss, and I think you're taking our attention for granite. Of quartz, it's a bit of a metamorphic process, changing as it goes. Of course, we're all just pebbles in the mountain's shadow here. After all, the author could come down on this conversation like a landslide. It'd be a pretty final end, and I quake in my boots at the thought.
Anyways, I hope I've made myself crystal clear. I'd hate to leave any holes agate in my argument.
5469987 25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mav2fk0HP21qgsv2no4_250.gif
They be crafting the Crown of Undisputed Epicosity!
The next chapters can never come out fast enough.
Funny, legitimately intriguing, AND UPDATES FREQUENTLY?
Sign me up!
Sombra's evil twin, but since Sombra was already evil in the first place it cancels out.
a very nice chapter, not a funny as the others but it really hard to top that list.
5470016 I hope Twilight is there to see it.
5470083
His stories do go over the top at times, but I find that's part of their charm.
It's a big part of what makes us all eager to read the chapter where Conrad snaps into Sombra like a SlimJim (oh yeah!).
Almost as eager as we are to see him get blasted by the Elements only to be like, "Mmm, feels warm. If this is how you greet your neighbors, you can come back any time!"
Visit the Cristal empire, there's more then enough at the castle.
5470065 what if in the dome he is bitchslapped with a bitch?
What's a bloodhound? I thought Winona was the only dog in existence.
5469932
If your story was featured once, every time you update a new chapter of the same story it gets put back up. It's automatic.
I love how this chapter covers Conrad and Skyflower's past lives. It also shows how each of the characters are doing from their perspectives (King Sombra, the mane six, Luna and Discord, and Ash and Leni). That stuff about King Sombra being a dick and how Conrad wants to kick his ass was hilarious, too.
Keep it up, Bucking Nonsense! I love this story!
Was going to bed, saw that the new chapter was up. I, of course, had to read it! I'm one of those people who have to finish the chapter of the book they're on before doing anything else. And I have to say that the way you are giving back story to these characters is amazing! Can't wait till the next chapter is out!
-ThePortalPonies