30 years old closet brony from the center of Europe. Just happily doing my thing in my corner of the internet.
Having been forced to flee her natal city, a mare finds herself caught in the middle of a storm near the region where the village of Ponyville used to be. Exhausted, she finds refuge in a little cottage where a kind but weird yellow and pink pegasus still lives.
A story about a certain type of plague, with another plague in it for the background.
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I don't understand the ending. It's like Fluttershy remembers what happened, then she forgets what happened immediately after she tells Lula. Is that caused by the plague? (I'm trying not to give away the mystery for people who read the comments first.)
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Oh...well, Fluttershy only has two choices at that point. She can either accept her new condition, a world where everyone is dead and she failed terribly in the upmost powerlessness and where she has no idea what to do, or she can deny reality like she did before and go back to pretending in her mind that everyone is basically still alive even if it's just an illusion.
She chose the second option, but twisted her memories enough to remember her new friend and the lesson that came with the meeting.
The "plague" you're referencing is a mere pretext in the whole story symbolizing the natural harshness of life.
Actually, what happened at that point in the story was that I had written "What are you going to do?" and then really began to wonder what she was going to do. In the original play, Fluttershy would question why she was still "alive" and Lula would just tell she was glad she was, for the fact it had saved her own life.
But then, rejecting reality came very naturally. It was a very logical decision for that pony to just go back to what she knew the best, even if it didn't make any "rational" sense. It pleased me, so I went with it.
Looking back, I could have used the idea of first burying Rainbow Dash as a transition at that particular moment. Yeah, I'm going to modify that, it seems like a good idea. Won't make it clearer, but it will be better "written". Thanks for the idea ^^.
Year old story with over 200 views, but no up or down votes. I think it's because there was potential here, with the Twilight Zone style premise, but the delivery was kind of bad.
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A year already... it feels like it was yesterday I'd written it.
Actually, there are up and down votes, but the new system doesn't show them because there is less of 15 of both.
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Do you mean because of the writing style, or becuase of the "answer" I give? I mean, I would understand both. It would just be a tiny bit of help to know on which one to focus first.
I wonder what else I could have used to end the story... The huge explosion? Putting the cottage on fire? Actually, putting the cottage on fire, having both of them fighting through the flames and having the main character trap the other inside and then flee could have been a bit more "epic". Very classic, but the whole story already is...
I don't know. I've convinced myself that, if I were to try long enough, I would find out how to write "good things". At least things that wouldn't seem good only to me...
I kind of want to read some of your other stories before I comment. It's been a year. You've probably improved since you wrote this.
But, it's a couple things.
1) Basic grammar and word choice issues.
The story needs a proofread. I'm left suspecting that English might not be your first language. A few examples from chapter 1:
She was lost into the land? "Into?" What do you mean by that?
"Huge amount of raining?"
Rain is a noun. Raining is an adjective. What is that stuff falling from the sky? That's rain. What's the weather like? It is raining. Those two words aren't interchangeable. You can't have have a "huge amount of raining" any more than a cake can have a huge amount of delicious.
She fixed the light? Was it broken? I think you mean that she "fixed her gaze on" the light?
1) "Strength" should be singular.
2) She "failed a first time?" What does that even mean?
3) "First time" implies that there was more than one. But you began this sentence by stating that she began to muster up her strength to make this attempt, which you then state was unsuccessful. It's weirdly inconsistent to be talking about multiple subsequent attempts, when you're talking about only beginning to make the first one...but then saying it failed.
I'm not sure what this sentence is trying to say. Is your intent to say that she failed to muster up her strength? Or are you intending to say that she failed to move?
When you go out of your way to specify that a thing is beginning to happen, that's different from saying that...it happens. "Beginning to happen" implies that a process has begun, but has not finished. For example, "I began running." That implies that the event "running" has started, but it has not finished, and that you can probably assume is still happening. Whereas if I say "I ran," that implies that the running is a thing that has completed. The running has ended, and is no longer occurring.
You're starting this sentence by saying that she "began" to do this thing, but then you're ending it by saying that it didn't actually happen, because she failed. How could it begin to happen if it didn't happen?
Mixing her sweat "to" the flow? I realize you're trying engage in metaphorical wordplay here, but that's not the correct preposition. Her sweat is mixing with the water, not to it.
Also, the way you've phrased this implies that the mixing of her sweat with the water is a direct consequence of the burning sensation in her body. Which I think is not what you intended. Again, I realize this is a metaphor. You're not literally stating that she's on fire. She feels hot, because she has a fever. That's fine. But her "feeling hot" is not the cause of her sweat mixing with the rain. It might be causing the sweating, but it's not causing the mixing. You're implying that it is.
1) That's incorrect usage of "achieved." I don't even know how to tell you to fix it, because that's simply not how that word is used.
2) It's unconventional to use "nonetheless" before a clause. Checking google, the consensus seems to be your usage is not technically incorrect, but nevertheless it stands out because that's not how that word would typically be used. It might not be wrong, but it definitely looks weird.
"A" yellow fur? So you're sayting the Fluttershy has only one fur? That's not correct. Fur is not a discrete thing that exists in countable units. Like sunlight. Can you have three sunlights? No, you "have sunlight." Fur is the same way.
1) She achieved to stand up? I understand what you're trying to say, but that's completely an incorrect way to say it. You're using the word "achieved" incorrectly.
2) You're doing weird things with time tense. "Achieved" is past tense. "Stand up" is present tense. "Began to run" is past tense. A smile appearing" is present tense. And "it was becoming" is...complicated. "Was becoming" is past tense description of an anticipated future. Yes, there are situations where you would use "was becoming" and it would make sense, but this isn't one of them. English is actually not entirely consistent in its treatment of time tense, but without turning this into a 2 page essay explaining why...that's not quite correct. You could probably get away with it if it weren't for all the other mixed time tenses earlier on, but with all the back and forth going on, it's a bit of a mess.
3) You're going out of your way to incorrectly specify a thing that hasn't happened, and talking about it like it's happened. You say that she "began to run" and you explicitly use "towards" rather than "to," both of which indicate that as of the time of this sentence, she's just now beginning her trip. She hasn't run "to" the cottage. She only "begun" running "towards" it. "To" and "towards" means different things in this context. But then you end the sentence stating that she's very close to it. Yes, it would be possible to construct a sentence that does combine both of these two things, but with all the inconsistent time tenses, this further contributes to the sentence being a mess.
4) "In a gigantic" is a weird say of describing effort. It' s not technically incorrect, but I had to think about it really hard, because it's such an unconventional way of phrasing it.
Putting all four of the above together, I would have phrased this sentence like this:
"With great effort she stood and ran to the cottage, a smile appearing on her face as it became near."
That makes the time tense consistent. We're writing in past tense. Stood is past tense. Run is past tense. Yes, "appearing" is present tense, but "appearing" occurred at the same time as "it became near" which is past tense, which makes it work. English is a little unintuitive in its treatment of time. For example, the following is incorrect:
"With great effort she stood and ran to the cottage, a smile appeared on her face as it became near."
"Appeared" is past tense. At a glance you might think that that would be correct, since it matches the time tense of the rest of the sentence. But no, that's incorrect. However, if you change the punctuation:
"With great effort she stood and ran to the cottage. A smile appeared on her face as it became near."
That is correct. Again, English is a little bit weird in regards to time.
So, apologies if I'm coming across a grammar nazi here, but throughout your entire story it's like every paragraph that has these little mistakes.
2) You have a curious habit of repeating yourself
A few examples from chapter 1:
Did you really need to say 'clear' three times within 9 words of each other? Did you really need to say 'very clear' twice? You're saying that the silhouette is clearly carved. Ok. What does saying that it's a "very clear" clearly carved silhouette add to this? Would it make sense for it to be an unclear, clearly carved silhouette? You're throwing the same words at us in ways that don't add meaning to these sentences.
Again with the double usage of "clearly." It's not incorrect, but doubling up on word choice reads poorly.
"For a second" twice in the same sentence.
"Oh my" repeated.
"Pale light" repeated.
"Again" three times in a single sentence with only eight words, and "and again" twice.
I don't want to say never do this. But you're doing it strangely a lot. Stories are a place for stylistic expression. That's ok. But when I find myself distracted from the story because I keep wondering why you're repeating yourself, that's a problem.
There's some other stuff, but I've spent a long time typing all this. The premise is good, it has a Twilight Zone feel to it and generally there was a lot of potential here. Unfortunately the ended was somewhat spoiled for me because I figured out what was going on fairly early. I think all the grammatical errors put me into "analyze" mode rather than "enjoy the story" mode. I recommend you get a proof reader.
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No apology needed. On the contrary, I want to thank you. English isn't, as you figured it out, my first language. I'm a french speaker... so I'm more than happy to be told what I'm doing wrong.
I fear I haven't.
I gladly would, but I'm not sure how. From all of my friends, I'm still the one who speak english the best (which is not saying much...) and they don't even know I'm a brony.
As for asking a complete stranger... I'm not sure why someone would take his time to read and correct my stories instead of writing his own. I don't have much to offer there. But if there is a way, I would like to try it (would it only be to correct some of the "sort of good" stories I might have written).
Well...this was interesting. It was like Fluttershy was a ghost or something.