Male. Young adult. Brony. Favorite pony, Luna. Favorite villian, Discord.
Celestia, as the castle knows, as Equestria knows, is dating Discord. They, occasionally have a small fling every once in a while, but it just turns awkward afterwards. All of it, because of Celestia's inability to do it properly. Now, with a self-help tape, she plans to solve that. Unfortunately, Discord finds it and decides, unknowingly what it is, to switch it with a guide on how to cook a turkey.
Hopefully she uses butter instead of oil, otherwise that would just be weird.
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The basic concept is interesting: Discord ruins his own evening by pulling a prank on his special some pony.
However, the actual story could be a lot better. The details and humor ask too much of my suspension of disbelief, since they mostly require the characters to act extremely stupid, in order to get the job done. Discord not even looking at the tape before switching it I could buy, but Celestia never suspecting a thing and not realizing the oven would cook her lover is a bit too much. Also, Discord not knowing until after he'd been cooked is equally bizarre.
Celestia acting like an average pony, and going to a random library, is awkward. She is royalty, and she has her own royal library. Even if she likes being accepted as normal, there are just some perks that make that pointless. That they didn't recognize her, and had a policy of only checking out sex self-help tapes with a record of who it was, how old they are, and etc is equally awkward and downright unrealistic.
The build-up to the main joke was far too long. This could have easily been condensed into one chapter. The writing itself was mostly awkward: the structure of some sentences confused me a few times, and overall it could have used some serious editing, especially the dialog. I'm not a grammar nazi, and this isn't the worst I've ever seen. I just feel a lot of potential was wasted, which is why I'm leaving a review, in the hopes it'll help out.
3552646
LOL True that. He would know and then do it to see if she realizes, without recognizing the consequences of his actions, perhaps. However, he'd figure it out a lot quicker, and just mock her for not guessing... or something else lolworthy would result.
Just not the outcome in this fanfic.
3552676 Do you think they would have those sort of things in a royal library? And the oven, you got me on that one. But they were not acting like idiots, Discord and Luna were fine, but Celestia was listening to what she thought was a role playing tape, not a cooking one.
Yes, I could have shortened it, but I felt it would ruin the value. And the library, if the guy was sitting there long enough for his joints to sound like that, how often do you think he gets out? Maybe he was sleepy, or it was old age. Along with the other things I could have changed, the age, name and address would be normal. You cant give those out to a minor, you need the name and address to send an overdue bill if need be.
Jeez, I really know how to sound unintentionally snappish, don't I? Apologies if you took this the wrong way, but I wanted this to be a special thing, you know? One for the holiday's.
3552773
A royal princess would have the book purchased for her royal library, and then it would be in the library. She would send someone else to buy it, since she is generally busy with other matters and she has a royal treasurer. This is even more likely if she was embarrassed about getting it. Sending a royal page or a royal messenger is more discreet.
As far as a library goes, that is what library cards are for. But no one questions self-help books, even if they're about sex, especially if it's clearly an adult. Celestia is literally taller than any pony stallion. If they think she's a minor, and they don't recognize her, nor do they know where she lives, it's a failed joke. In general, this whole thing reads as if very little thought was put into it. The humor failed for me, because it tries too hard and doesn't have enough basis in realism.
Most important of all, the story itself should get everything across. If the librarian was very tired, and that is why that happened, then it should have been hinted at in the story.
Brevity is the soul of wit, and unnecessary padding doesn't improve any story. Blueblood's arrival accomplished nothing, and there were other tidbits like that.
I realize you wanted to do this quickly, but that doesn't explain making it longer than it needed to be? Kind of the antithesis of being speedy, unless that's why there was a lack of editing/proofreading.
Sorry if I come off as snappy as well. I'm just explaining it as I see it.
Incidentally, I think if Discord wasn't enjoying the sex, I'm pretty sure that he'd have said something, even if he genuinely loved her. He might not be as annoying about it as he can be, but I can't imagine him suffering anything in complete silence. He doesn't exactly run from a fight, although he may have less experience in relationships. That's just my impression. I can still see it generating some good romance conflict for him.
3552863 I've edited and hopefully it's better. If not, I might just have a mental breakdown.
3553515
Hey, I'm sincerely sorry if I've stressed you out. I never wanted that.
Don't fret too much over my comments, although I'm really glad you're taking them seriously. I'll read this again later, and give you more feedback then. Right now I can't, because I've got work soon, and I prefer to devote a lot of time to my comments, rather than being hasty and miss something. I think perhaps I was a little too brief before, and should have expressed the extent of my view of how I would handle it a bit differently. Some of that is just personal perspective, but most of it is what I thought could have been cut to tighten it up.
I appreciate that you wrote this at all, and that you did get it done in time for the holiday, since meeting any deadline, even self-imposed, is definitely an accomplishment. You really did have a nice, creative idea to begin with. I just felt it could be polished and improved, and most stories can be, especially if no one else gives it a go over before it gets published.
If you'd like to PM me or anything in the meantime, please do, though it will probably be awhile before I can respond. I want to help, not upset.
Just the right amount of awkward to make it weird enough to like it.
A nice short story indeed.
Well, the lack of library cards aside, I think the changes were all definitely for the better. I feel it could still use a little bit of stream-lining, editing for flow in some places, but it's good.
3560149
tru dat
This is going to get funny
Bravo, I was laughing so hard I almost pissed my self
oh by the eldrich horors! i would have expected this from pinkie (after reading cupcakes... i stopped eating there)