Twilight knows the princesses have seen more than their fair share of unpleasantness. She and her friends have, too. But after a terrifying experience during a trip to the Griffon Kingdom, Twilight fears what else she may see in the line of duty and begins to wonder what it really means to be a princess of Equestria.
Page generated in 0.318 seconds
Total duration
932 users online
1,851,072 hits today, 2,064,738 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Interesting chapter. A few comments:
Judging from Luna's account of her captive's motives, it appears the local griffons knew just enough about alicorns to be afraid, but not enough to know they should be 'curl up in a ball and hope the bad things go away' afraid, as opposed to 'whip up a mob and we can take them' afraid. And given that apparently Twilight, inexperienced as she is, could have wiped the griffon species out (at the cost of probably dying from overexertion), alicorns clearly fall in the former category of 'scary things'.
Which leads me to my next point. For all her squawking, I sincerely hope Luna and Celestia really were totally blindsided by this. Because if they had any inkling that something like this might happen, they are fucking idiots for bringing an inexperienced, immature alicorn with a history of flip-outs into a situation that might set her off without training her properly first. And they are much too old and experienced to be able to claim they wouldn't have foreseen the possibility - they at the least have Luna's Nightmare Moon episode as a case study, along with whatever else they might have seen that they don't talk about quite as freely.
And if this IS the training, and they foresaw this possibility and brought Twilight anyway, they are fucking idiots AND monsters. Luna said it herself - griffonkind nearly went kablooie. They do not have the right to risk another sentient species' existence like that just to teach their newbie not to go overboard with the murder.
Very interested to see where this goes.
Please, Luna, enlighten me as to what she was suppose to do. Her shield's collapsing, her guards are dead, and you and Celestia are doing fuck all. It was either whip out the Dark Magic, or trigger a war between Equestria and the Griffin Kingdom (as I doubt Equestria's citizens are just gonna let one of their princesses get assassinated while on a diplomatic mission, regardless as to what Celestia and Luna tell them).
This is also why, when going on diplomatic missions--especially to hostile countries--you go to the capitol and get treated as guests by the country's government, with the country's security forces preventing any idiots from trying to spark a war. You do not go camping in the middle of the boonies and then wait hours/days for the other sides diplomats to meet up with you.
3500726
Luna's condemnation rings more than a little hypocritical in any case.
Like she's one to talk about ponies falling to dark magic. She who became Nightmare Moon because ponies simply weren't paying attention to her nights. Twilight on the otherhand, was responding, quite logically, to an unprovoked act of aggression. Maybe she would have taken it further than it should have, but she's only talking about killing off one species. NMM on the other hoof, was willing to kill off everyone.
Plus... new princess, new to powers, and first assassination attempt, and not by a lone or small group, but by a huge flock of griffons is more than justification for loosing it, in addition to seeing her guards killed in front of her. Plus, she's an incarnation of Harmony, seeing Griffons being so disharmonious would no doubt ring poorly against whatever psycho-magical-somantic responses she might have. Wasn't as if Luna or Celestia were stepping up to stop the attack and save Twilight, so to hell with Luna.
Luna's attitude here does feel off, yes. Twilight's just seen ponies she cares for murdered, she's just been attacked unprovoked by creatures entirely willing to kill her - using lethal force to defend herself is understandable. Luna shouldn't be angry about that.
Being angry about using dark magic? That I can understand. But it's a fine line to walk; essentially a 'Defending yourself is not wrong, but how you did it is' would make sense. As is, Luna is basically saying 'No, they shouldn't have died' which is more or less bollocks. When you assault someone with lethal intent, them retorting with the same is justified.
Very good action. Wasn't hard to visualize the characters and everything else that was going on! Twilight made a lot of bad decisions, but she was panicked and in a scenario she was never trained to handle. (A curious failing on Celestia's part, but she's made mistakes before too. They're only equine after all.)
Like some others have said, Luna's verbal dressing-down of Twilight seems to completely ignore the context of the situation. I won't go on, others have made the same points I would.
What tripped me up was the "sudden" slipping from a vengeful, berserk rage into a giggly power-mad sadist. Reading it again, I can see where it's implied that she did a lot of destruction first, but it's just a single paragraph between fury and tripping on her power. That part could have used a bit more to show her "evolving"... like vaporizing several griffins and trapping more and then finding that she was not only satisfied by the fear she induced but that it made her FEEL powerful, or something. The way it's paced right now, it's like she just turned on the dark magic and suddenly she's evil. That and the Luna thing are the only two things that bother me about this chapter.
Otherwise, your writing is good, readable and consistent (which is a bit more rare than you'd think) and everything really puts me into the setting and what's going on. I do want to read more, because I'm interested to see your take on just what the Princesses are.
3500527 3500726 3501380 3501601 Wow, I did not actually expect my story to get comments, this is great!
Thanks to everyone for all the feedback! Honestly, I wasn't quite as happy with this chapter as the first one, so it'll probably undergo some editing once the story is done, taking some of this advice into account. I did intend Luna to come off as something of an aggravating hypocrite (judging from the reaction, it seems I succeeded
), and her behavior will be explained in the next (and last!) chapter. As for the sudden dark magic > evil: yeah, that was a little fast, and will definitely be one of my edits. 
I'm glad the chapter was enjoyable otherwise. Next one will probably have to wait until after this week, both because life and because I want to make sure I address everything brought to attention here properly.
Thanks for reading and I hope the final chapter doesn't disappoint!
3502126
Glad you appreciated my comments. :) I generally keep my mouth shut but the rest of the story has been handled quite well and your writing is good overall so I thought I'd offer a suggestion. ^^ Take your time and do things right and it can only get better!
I was going to make a snarky remark about chapters that end in dream sequences, but you pulled that out of the fire.
Greatly enjoying this so far.
3502126 Last chapter?
Oh well...
Anyways, Twilight did not murder. Killing in (non-preemptive) self defense is justified and is not murder.
3504953 Sorry, but it has to end somewhere.
Glad to know you enjoy it enough to care!
As for the usage of the word 'murder' in this case, I imagined it as Twilight blowing it slightly out of proportion, sort of like tardiness = total disaster, just in a darker way. If that makes sense.
This was awesome, and I cant wait to see where its going
Great story
What almost over already? Noooo
Name of Story: Princess
Grammar Score: 9/10
Pros:
1. I loved the expansive use of vocabulary. Lots of new words, it made it very interesting.
2. I also loved the description. You described the scenery and the characters very well. There was also good description with character feelings. The characters were also portrayed very well.
3. I also like how you introduced the characters before getting to anything else.
Cons:
1.
I think you mean something else with fodder. I searched the word up and fodder means dried feed. I am guessing you meant folder or something along those lines.
2.
I feel as though and isn't needed there and instead should be cut by a period.
3. ... I don't have another. Sorry.
Notes Section:
I find that using your expansive vocabulary was a great idea. I just hope that other readers enjoy your vocabulary efforts as well as I did. You used them to describe the scenery, however more so the characters. The portrayal was great, you have clearly paid attention to how each character would react in this situation. You made sure to introduce each character in a way that revolved around the main character. There were very few errors and I thought you did a great job.
A bit descriptive heavy early on... and a bit lacking once she reaches Celesta/Luna, but all in all a good chapter. I'm curious how you'll resolve their emotional/trust baggage.
yes quite a good read but leaving us on a cliff hanger is really a disapointment i sure hope u cotue this story cuse i love to read new things.
To be honest, I can't see how the conversation in the garden won't shatter Twilight. Assuming that Celestia's going to tell her where all those statues really come from.
The direction the sister princesses seem to be taking this is that Harmony is something they cultivate for Equestria, not something they themselves get to enjoy - princesses have to forsake Harmony when it's required to protect Harmony and Equestria, and have to live with what they've done. I expect a beautiful Twi-head-explosion at about that point.
This is some really, really good character balance here. Doesn't feel like there's a third wheel anywhere
3713061 Oh, I'm definitely continuing it! I've ended all my chapters on cliffhangers so far (hopefully it's not getting too annoying!), but that doesn't mean it's over yet.
3712638 Good to know you enjoyed the chapter despite its flaws! I was a little nervous about this one, but glad that it turned out decent.
3713178 You might be close with that prediction. Maybe. More or less. That is all.
Griffon queen confirmed for not understanding international diplomacy. When the President, Secretary of State, and Speaker of the House and their diplomatic convoy are attacked while participating in a diplomatic endevor, the country's ruler doesn't claim his citizens acted in self-defense because 1) it gives de facto government sanctioning of the attack which easily opens the doors for casus belli 2) it makes you look like a giant ass and 3) it implodes any chance of diplomatic overtures being done by the President.
I've never been a fan of the "government censorship and carefully controlling the population" version of Tyrantlestia because it's just too difficult to pull off without turning into an Orwellian dystopia. You can't have Celestia "suppress" certain things and still have her be the benevolent ruler she is. There's just too many books. Too many "thinkers." Too many ponies to be able to "subtly" control without using fear or some other intense motive. The simple fact that the word "murder" is in the lexicon is proof that they've failed. If they can't erase a simple word from society, how are they going to erase a concept? The only way this could happen is if some mind control spells are whipped out, which would cause the Tyrantlestia and OOC sirens to blare very loudly.
3714409 well i'm glade to hear that ~sqee~ i mean it just so cool. and crative with ur work i can't waite to see and read more.
After this reading this chapter, I scrolled to the top to give it a like and fav, only to realize I did that already! You are a wonderful writer good sir, and I am looking forward to the next chapter
3714937 Thanks for the thoughtful comment!
I can't say much, but no mind control spells involved. Suffice it to say I'm not pulling a total Tyrantlestia and do have some explanations planned. I would say more, but that's all I can do without spoiling the final chapter.
When's the next chapter going to be posted?
3912442 Sorry it's been so long without an update! Things have gotten a bit busy so the next chapter is taking longer than anticipated, but I intend to have it done sometime this month. Many apologies for the wait, but rest assured that this story is still being worked on.
well i glad to hear that altho febury is over ow but i hope to see more soon.
3928625 So when is the update it seems it's been 5 weeks since your comment. I can wait for the update, but I want to know if your still working on this story before reading.
So.. basically, they've stripped their entire nation of the ability to defend themselves by keeping the populace naive and stupid. And when Twilight, who's most dangerous enemies were holding back suddenly sees her two guards torn apart by griffons and understandably freaks out, Luna gets a stick up her ass about it? You plunge an innocent into Hell and abandon her to live or die by her own means, what do you expect? And Luna should be doubly ashamed, as the entire 'dancing with dark magic' thing was a direct result of keeping her ignorant of self defense and then leaving her to die.
Congratulations Luna. You were responsible for almost creating a new Nightmare Moon or Sombra.
And the Griffon Queen is either A) Smart as a rock or B) involved in the attempted assassination(and still smart as a rock). When a foreign dignitary is visiting, ESPECIALLY HEADS OF STATE, protecting them is part of your obligation as a ruler. Where were the Griffon guards that should have been in the area? Why were they just left out in the open rather than given a secure and protected domicile? And claiming that her citizens were engaged in self defense is both irrelevant and a blatant attempt at worming her way out of the diplomatic tangle she's in.
And that tangle should reasonably involve multiple nations, because how do you think most rulers would react to 'Oh, I left visiting dignitaries from a friendly nation sitting out in the open and my citizens tried to kill them. But its cool, because it was preemptive self defense. Oh, and if they'd succeeded its probable that all life in the world would've either burnt or frozen without the Princesses managing day and night. But its still cool, self defense yo'?
Actually, I think every nation on the planet now has justification for going to war with the Griffons.
I do hope this ends with Twilight sticking Luna and Celestia's heads on pikes*, rounding up enough unicorns to manage the day/night thing as mentioned in the Hearthswarming episode, and then ruling Equestria properly. And having the Royal Guards trained to the point of being useful as something other than meat shields and decoration.
*Ensuring that the nation you rule and are obligated to do your best for is utterly defenseless should you be either busy or dead is, as far as I'm concerned, High Treason. Actually, is there a form of treason higher than high treason? Because this is a complete and absolute betrayal of the Equestrian ponies. A murder rate is better than letting your citizens be victims for whatever comes down the pike or when you finally find something bigger and meaner than yourself.
3714409
3928625
Liar!
4172915 I agree.
4172915
actually he said
He was planning to do that he didn't say
more!
Vultures.... Ok. Who died?!
My fellow brony it's been 8 years