Recently, I've Been Struggling With My Body · 8:57pm Mar 30th, 2015
Recently, I've been trying very hard to figure myself out. It's been an internal struggle for a while now. The earliest link to when this whole thing started was when I was a young child. I envied males more than anything else. I envied the way their friendships seemed to bond, and just how they were in general. I envied how they were treated. Since I went to a Christian school the first couple years of schooling, I was forced to where a dress, and wasn't allowed to do boyish things like I wanted.
Even after I entered a public school, nothing seemed to change. I still envied boys. When I hit puberty, I not only hated the fact I had a period, I despised running without having my chest hurt. It was something I struggled with a while. When I was around eleven or twelve, I wasn't bothered as much by the fact. Things seemed to have smoothed out. I still would have preferred to be a male, but I surely wasn't as envious.
Over the past few years, things have started to get harder for me. My grandmother's would criticize me for not wearing feminine enough clothing. I loved wearing button-up shirts, and sometimes even ties with them. I thought they made me look cute, but she of course got defensive. She told me I was too pretty to not wearing feminine stuff, and questioned why I insisted on wearing things that made me look like a man. She even went to the extant to blame my fashion choices on why I was still single, and claimed I looked like a dyke. The thing is, I really loved dressing as a man did. I loved looking more masculine, and I took the whole thing as more of a compliment, instead of an insult.
Over the past few years, something else has been bothering me. When I see a cute guy, my initial thought isn't something like "Wow! What a cutie!". It's usually more like, "Wow, I'd really love to shove my dick in his-". I typically don't get through the entire thought without reminding myself of my gender. The thoughts typically happen with no thought proceeding it. As if it's simply instinct. I don't know why it just happens, but it's strange to me.
Most recently, I've been very envious of males to a point it hurts. I just want so much that seems so typical. I want to experience having an erection, having a penis in general, and being able to sleep comfortably on my stomach. I want to run without my breasts feeling as though they're going to rip from my chest. Mostly, I want to have a guy I love look at me as though I'm a man and not a woman. I honestly don't know what the difference is, yet in my mind it simply feels different. I don't understand it, but I've never been comfortable in any of my relationships. Mostly because the guys always treat me like a girl, and something about it sickens me. I want a guy to wrapped in my arms like a woman would a man, and I want to play any masculine role in a relationship (paying for most of the dates, complimenting my lover on their appearance, buying them flowers, being the one to propose, and basically anything else).
The main things that are conflicting are the simple fact I don't know if getting a gender change would make me happier, or if it would bring more struggles into my life than healing the ones I already have. I don't know how it would effect me, and I don't want to end up ruining my life over something like this. Also, I don't really identify as a boy, I simply envy every aspect of being a male that doesn't apply to female, and I feel uncomfortable in body. I always have dreams where I'm happier as a guy, I just don't know how much it'd work in real life.
I know this is mostly just ranting and trying to describe how I feel in the best way possible. I just don't know what I want to do, and I'm looking for advice from basically anyone that can offer it. Thanks for reading.
-Pizzema Forte
Wow, I'm sorry to hear about your hard times. Body problems are my worst fear, I hate any form of physical impairment. I hope you continue to feel better.
i feel much the same tough for the opposite gender, hope you find someone that suits you ^_^
All makes sense. I'm sorry for your problems. It's pretty normal. I'll be honest I've thought logically about the same topic here and I'm just glad I'm a guy. The things you say about you prefer to be the masculine one in a relationship just means you need to find someone that would allow that. It will be difficult, but you will! It'll be hard when most guys prefer to be the "dominant" one I guess you could say. I'll say for sure I would prefer to be. I'm one who feels guilty out of my mind if I have to ask for a favor or even a dime from my girlfriend. I get even more anxious when she just gives me a present and boop I have none in return.
2925754 I feel the exact same way. An old ex of mine by the name of Aries once got me a necklace for Christmas. I felt really uncomfortable about it. Even if I'd got him something, as well, I felt as though he put more effort into his gift, or he'd been more thoughtful about it. It just made me feel unhappy in a sense.I know there's the small chance I will find a guy who'd be willing to let me be more "dominant", but it'd be difficult, and I wouldn't want to scare him away.
2925734 Thank you very much. Good luck with your situation as well!
2925702 Thank you very much!
2925838 I hear that a lot. I think that's what bothers me the most. Even if it's nothing special, to never be able to experience it is what's annoying/adjudicating.
Well to me you sound like a tomboy/ww1-ww2 era woman. I'm a man that likes a woman to be strong and independent and has the strength to carryout important deeds if I'm not there to do so, or she could help me with the task. Yes, I'd want to be dominate, but that does not mean I have to do everything. If there are two things I like in a relationship it is brushing my other's hair and her holding me. It doesn't mean I'm giving up dominice, it just means that they are the one being in the universe I can let my guard down around, which i have yet to experience since I can't find anyone that fits my picky crytiriea. All in all I don't want to be dominant over my mate nor do I want to be dominated, I want to be equals with the woman that catches my eye.
All in all, your fine to like to do boy stuff, get dirty, cuss when you want, dress how you want, and all in all be a tomboy. Hell my sister is and she found a guy that has the same veiw on the subject as me. She even makes more money than him in construction.
My best advice for you is to mix your two side like my sister did. Yes sometimes she dressed like a guy, but she put some feminine touchesin the mix and she did not do it every day. Also she NEVER wore a dress. The one time she did was at her prom and the dress didn't stay a dress for long. Also she always brushed her hair put on very small amounts of makeup. I didn't like it, nor did she, but every guy at her school wanted her, even if she dressed a bit like a guy.
Hope this helps. Good luck!
Well...for what it's worth you clearly know what you want in a relationship; and that's something not a lot of people truly figure out before jumping into one. Your odds of being in a happy one just got better.
Be well.
For me, it's slightly the opposite. I'm sometimes envious of the dresses and scarves that girls can just wear out of the blue.
2925838 Amen." Aaron please stand up and present" "can I not stand?"
I am a guy and i have often wondered what it would be like to be the opposite gender just for a day or so just to know what it was like just as a strange curiosity. I know several people in my life who have decided to take steps towards the change that you are talking about, they for the most part are happy with their decisions but from time to time get insecure or scared due to society and other aspects in the same spectrum.
Now for the relationship portion. i feel that the idea of gender roles in this day and age is completely redundant, because literally anyone of either gender can physically and mentally get the same job done with the same effectiveness. So i don't understand why many relationships still have one person being more dominant than the other, i got sucked into a relationship where i got pinned as the dominant one and had to do more and take charge in certain situations, and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. i personally seek to be with someone with whom i work equally with and each are treated with an equal amount and quality of respect.
Well these are just my experiences and my opinions, you live your life in whatever way seems the most fitting for you and makes you happy.
Lots of Love
Nightshade
2926524 psshh im in high school and can get away scot free just wearing a scarf on any given day. i see no reason why you cant either.
I've never heard of anything like this before, so I'm afraid I am a bit worthless to you in this regard.
I hope that another comment can help you more than mine can, for I've honesty no advice on something like this. Even if I rack my brain, all I can really tell you is: Never change yourself for another, only change for yourself.
I hope you are shown your path in life soon, for questions such as these should never be left unanswered.
2926781 That's great that you can do that without consequence at your school. Unfortunately, people at my school are dicks (no pun intended) and I'd rather not get "ridiculed" at my school all day long.
2925808 I like you.
Hmm... Can you clarify? Do you feel that you were born with the wrong body or would you say it's jealousy but you wish to keep your body? How is your attitude to your own body and the one of the opposite sex? Are there social aspects as well?
I have heard of something like this before but I'm not sure.
2927298 I don't necessarily feel as though I was born in the wrong body, I just feel as though I'd be much happier in a different one. I'm deeply jealous of the other gender, and I wish I could be a male (Yet I'm afraid that I could somehow end up ruining my life). I dislike my own body. It's not really about the typically stuff like hating my period or something. I hate having a womanly figure, I hate having breasts, but I'm very indifferent about my genitalia. I don't hate having a vagina, but I'd much rather have a penis. I don't really get, uh... aroused by thinking of being penetrated or having a penis in me, but I love the idea of being able to penetrate someone else and ejaculate like a man. As for social aspects, I really want the man I'm with to view me as a man. Something about the idea of being in a gay male/male relationship has always been ideal. I always feel uncomfortable when my past loves have referred to me as their girlfriend. When I think of being referred to as a boyfriend, something about just seems right. I really want to be the more "dominant" one in a relationship, and I don't feel satisfied when I think of being someone's future wife. However, the idea of being someone's future husband seems exciting to me. As for which gender I identify as, I have no clue. Sometimes, I do enjoy looking pretty because people tell me I look good, but I love wearing male clothing. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable shopping with other people, because I'd much rather being looking in the boys' section, but I don't want to be questioned. I also adore having short hair. I'm growing it out now, but only because people keep telling me I look better with long hair.
On a side note, I've told me mother about this. She says if I ever got a sex-change, she'd still love me and talk to me, yet couldn't see herself calling me by the male version of my name or fully supporting it.
Sorry for making this so long. I hope I answered your questions.
2927640 Ah. yes. This sounds almost like transsexualism. I do not know the laws in america regarding sex change but I know it's a long proces with psychologists, doctors and the state before one can go through hormone treatment and surgery.
I think I remember you wrote somewhere that you are 16 years old. so even if you wanted to you may not because of your age. I suggest you let it be until you are 20-21. It may be that you feel uncomfortable but if there is the slightest doubt in your mind about a sex change, do not do it. You can not change your mind afterwards. And when to do the sex change, you become castrated.
For now deal with other more immediate things that you can do something about instead of thinking about things out of your control. Work with what you have. No one can demand more from you
2928502 Thanks a lot for the advice!
Over the next couple years, I'd like to start trying to dress in more masculine attire (which I already know I'm very comfortable in), and if I eventually get a job, I'd like to get a men's haircut (my grandma won't do it, so I'll actually have to pay for it. I can already see her bitching at me for doing boyish stuff, and she'd probably try to change it to a feminine style, which I wouldn't let her do.) I'd like to just see how comfortable I am with such things, and after I graduate high school, if I feel fully comfortable, I'd like to start taking testosterone shots. At that point, I may even start going by masculine pronouns and asking people to call me the gender-bent version of my name. After I'm done with college, I'd probably take the next step to actually get the surgery done. I want to be 100% that I'd like to be a man before doing something really drastic. I know I really want to be, but I just have to be 100% ready before doing something like changing my whole body.
Thank you for the reply, though. I'm thinking about seeing a school psychiatrist about it, and hopefully she'll give me some good advice about the whole thing. I really appreciate everything, so thanks.
Most men envy women because they have the option to play with boobs any time they please. You are not alone. Ask any person if they could be the opposite gender for a day, i bet that the vast majority would accept the offer.
But also, you're young. You still have lots of time to make decisions and become what you want to become.
If I were to give one thing that I envy most about women, it is the fact that they aren't expected to ask the guy out. My intense fear of rejection has kept me out of several relationships in the past (I think I was asking you for advice on one of them at one time
), and I have no doubt that it will plague me for a long time to come.
Remember you do what makes you happy and we will all be by your side and support/love you the best we can, always.
2929143 For me, it's not really about wanting to live in the body of a man for a day, but a lifetime. I guess most people are curious about what it'd be like to be in a different body, but sometimes it's to a point where I can't see a guy in public without secretly envying him. I personally never saw what was so damn great about being a woman. I guess the only reason I could ever see is people on the internet are more eager to talk to you, and if you're pretty you'll get lots of attention and have high self-esteem. I guess each gender has their ups and downs, I just have a hard time seeing the "many" perks of mine.
Hehe, sorry if I sounded as if I were lashing out or being rude. It just makes me a bit irritated when people tell me how lucky I am to be female. In reality, most of the perks only apply if you're pretty. I can, however, see why someone would want to go into the body of a female. I mean, there are quite a few interesting things about it.
2929169 Thank you so much, sweetheart!
First, Tomboys are the best. The absolute BEST. Stick with your unfeminine clothing, don't give a damn about what's feminine or not, don't listen when someone says you look like a dyke.
My own mother work apartment management, she wears loose t-shirts, jeans and sneakers to work, which she might be called to six, maybe even seven days a week. Even when her boss specifically gives her the day off she does not change her fashion style. In my mind, she dresses the exact way a woman should. High heels, cosmetics, hair and nail care, especially appointments are huge turn-offs, and I have no clue why any woman would want any of them, or why other men do not have a problem with them.
Second, do NOT consider a sex-change operation. It is a long-term, skin deep solution for a short term mind deep confusion. You know you are a woman, and you are surrounded by the idea that men and women are different in every way. If you want to stick your dick in his- get a strap-on(when your old enough) and find a man who will go along with that. Everyone wonders what it's like to be the opposite sex at times, it's called imagination. Are you jealous of boys not having a period or a set of chesticles? No-one can blame you. I am very happy I was born a man, for reasons like that. Who cares who takes the typical gender roles in a relationship? I want to be with a strong woman(I am not convinced I am a strong man myself), someone to calm and hold me when I'm stressed, which happens a lot. A woman who knows what she's doing and knows when I need to be smacked around(figuratively) and told what to do.
2971768 The fact is, I have been considering a sex-change recently. I can't keep my mind off the idea, and since I've posted this blog, my longing to be in the male body has been growing much stronger. Of course, I would never do any of this in haste. I will wait, I'll see if I'm happy in future relationships, and I'll see if I still have the same mindset. When I was young, I remember take a great interest in more masculine things. I loved fishing and wrestling, but even then my family discouraged certain behaviors, as they weren't "lady-like". Even when I grew older, I told my mom I didn't want to shave my legs or start wearing bras, because I didn't feel comfortable with the actions, and I still don't that much. Of late, I've felt almost disgusted with my body. I hate it when people admire the feminine features, and I can't stand knowing I had a 50% chance of being born into a body I may actually like. Even if I don't get a sex-change, I'm getting major breast-reduction surgery and unleashing inner parts of my personality that my family forced out of me.
Also, your mother sounds like a really awesome person. I agree that it is annoying when girls put so much effort into their appearance. It seems extremely fake and weird to me. I can't understand why some people would spend so much time focusing on something that hardly matters. However, it's mostly those kind of girls that get the most attention with guys, which is likely why I'm still single. I wish there were more guys like you where I lived, but many are so caught up on being as masculine as possible. It's pretty irritating.
Thanks for the advice, though. I really appreciate it, and I will take it into consideration.
-Pizzy Forte
2972953 There are plenty of men like me out there, but you are not an adult, and you will have to wait to find a boy who turns into a real man. And you will need a lot of time to grow more comfortable in your own body.
How are things going with your crush? If you two are an item, he should be making an effort to make you comfortable with it. If not, give him a prod in that direction. You're young, and he probably doesn't know better. And if that doesn't go well, it takes a while to get a relationship right. I'm twenty-five, and I can't call any of my relationships remotely 'successful'. The one I learned the most from hurt me the most, and I knew it stunk from the start, that's why I told no-one about it. I hope I have helped you.
2974351 Him and I aren't really an item yet. I still really like him, and I don't know how he feels about me. But recently, we've been sharing more with each other. We send each other animes, music, and just different things we like. I think it's sweet. It's like giving someone a little piece of what your passionate about because you want them to feel the same way about it.
Heh, I'm sure he doesn't think that way about it, but you know, whatever. I have yet to have a successful relationship, and I have yet to tell my crush about my problems. Maybe one day I will. I don't know if there's really someway for someone to make me comfortable in my body, but if someone did, it'd be a miracle.