Balance · 11:57pm January 18th
I was always balanced. Until I suddenly wasn't anymore. Since that mistake I made in January of 2017, I have changed and lost a part of myself. I still don't understand what caused it and what made me act that way. But since then, I was not balanced anymore. And it grew worse with time. Not only did I develop angry outbursts and was out of control, I also began to choose one of two extremes when making a decision, instead of choosing the path in the middle. I can't tell when this started. But it has developed like this, at some point during the last seven years, I began to be imbalanced in my decisions like that.
But I wasn't always like this. I didn't always do such things, like using her Twitter account against her consent to prevent her from losing it. I remembered again, until January of 2017, I wasn't like this. Back in 2016, I was always balanced. I didn't choose between extremes. I already valued objective facts a lot, but I was still viewing conflicts and problems from all sides and angles. And I was thinking that you need to listen to every side to solve a conflict and then find a solution that satisfies both sides, with compromises and by picking something from each side and put it together, to make something new. To find a creative and balanced solution to a problem, by taking something from both worlds, in order to settle a conflict. I wasn't fully aware of this, it just happened by instinct that I thought this way, because it was my personality. Only years later, in January of 2021, I learned something and I understood why I am this way. I guess I rediscovered who I am there..... and, at the same time, I truly learned who I am for the first time. But it wasn't enough yet, not even understanding myself was, I still struggled and I had to grow back into this and get used to my real personality and to who I am again first. A process that took nearly another three years and even after that, I needed a push by my friend to realize this, because only her new leave has opened my eyes to many things I didn't realize about myself and pushed me out of the bitterness, the cynicism and the imbalance that had changed me. But this day in January of 2021 has put my real personality back by letting me rediscover it.
I began to become unbalanced in January of 2017, but before that mistake I made there that was the start of it all, in 2016 I was, even though I wasn't fully aware of it, always balanced and I never did something extreme. I feel I am back there again now, in the old balance I once had more than seven years ago, and I practiced myself in being balanced and going the path in the middle, rather than choosing an extreme, since last month when I realized the mistakes I've made. But it isn't like this for long yet and I'm still afraid it could not stick and that I might sway into imbalance again.
It's not too late for a New Year's Resolve yet. This year, I want to become as balanced as I was in 2016 again and make it stick.
I don't understand that first, initial mistake I've made, why I've made it and how it could change me like that. But I know I am my old self again and I don't want to lose myself again like I did in the last seven years. So this is my resolve for 2024. Throughout this year, I want to fully and reliably become my old, balanced self from 2016 again.
This blog entry is also dedicated to Archer Bodkin, another special pony, for whom balance is very important, who is the pony who's the most like me and who I discovered exactly three years ago.
I can't take a picture of Squiddy this time. Even though I feel optimistic and positive about my resolve, I also feel indifferent – neither optimistic, nor pessimistic – about the chances to bring my friend back and to repair our friendship for good this time. And Squiddy doesn't have an expression for this feeling between optimism and pessimism, so I can't take a picture of him now.
But this also means that my mood is balanced. And balance is what I need. I couldn't wish for a better mood today.
Good!