Determination

The trip I left for near the beginning of the month hasn't ended yet, but as the calendar clearly states, November is right around the corner. I intend for this to be the last update blog of this nature until I put out something, so I'll try to get out as much as I can before I go radio silent for a little bit. I'll put a tl;dr at the end in case you don't give a shit about All This Hogwash by Me.

I've been vague about the details of this trip for quite a few reasons; mostly because doing so would require me to give you my entire life's story for context, and I'm really not about putting All My Shit out there for everyone to see. But I do feel like some aspects of it are worth talking about now that I'm nearing the end of it.

In my early 20s, I moved far (and I mean ~2300km far) away from my hometown and my family that still lives there. Every couple of years, I've flown out to visit, and usually these visits tend to be brief and somewhat low energy. This one's been quite a bit different, and I knew it would be the moment I started planning for it in the spring.

Part of me wants to talk about all I've been through since I arrived here, but again, there's too much context I'd have to add for it to really make sense. The most concise way I can put it is that me and my family have always had a bit of a distant, somewhat strained relationship. A lot of this has to do with me and my identity, and their lack of perspective on why I am the way I am. But, for the first time in my over 30 years on this planet, I don't feel that gap between us, and that has felt as cathartic as it has surreal.

Admittedly, a lot of this is still too fresh for me to have processed emotionally anyway. It'll probably be a good bit of time before everything truly sinks in for me. But I know positive change awaits me at the end.

Anyway, if you're reading this far and wondering what this has to do with my gay horse women fanfiction, I don't blame you! This is the part where I talk about that lol

I've been in kind of a rut since the spring. I've already gone over the reasons my productivity slowed to a crawl, so I won't belabor that any more than I already have. But while extenuating circumstances have been the primary reason I've not been able to work, personal stagnation is another barrier to creativity. For a while, I was sitting there like "now what?" with regards to myself, and when I stay in one spot too long like that, I fall into my perfectionist tendencies and agonize over little things about myself.

Then, I hold myself back until I make something I deem "acceptable,"—a rating as vague as the criteria it takes to meet it. What I make has to be perfect to me, and that's because I have to make up for the fact that it's made by me. If that doesn't make sense, don't worry about it lol

All of this is to say I feel revitalized. I feel ready to conquer my stupid habits again. The attention I've gotten in the last year has gone to my head a little bit—not in the sense that I have an ego, but in the sense that I have raised the standards for myself much higher than they ever need to be. What I need to do is disconnect for a bit. Let my ideas roam and develop naturally; uninhibited and without the influence of expectations set by myself and others.

When I get home, I'll get to work on what I have now. Beyond that, there's multiple stories burning in my brain that I want to tell. One of which is a story I've already told you all, but reimagined in a way that sets it apart from its progenitor. How long will it take for me to get all of this to you? You should know by now I have no idea, but I Gotta.

So with that all said, I'm not going to write another blog update unless I deem it necessary. You'll know when the next thing is coming by the fact that it dropped unceremoniously.

tl;dr - I went on a trip and it did positive things for me, and I'm going to keep to myself while I enter The Writing Hole™ and hopefully I'll come out with something cool. Or not. Who knows. Whatever the case, the next thing you see from me will be actual content instead of one of these lol.

Thanks for reading