Once again, for the sheer fun of it, I take it upon myself to give an analysis of some form of media that’s considered the worst. To begin, I’ll say that no matter how bad you think the worst movie you ever saw was, you never saw anything like this before.

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Here we are at the last chapter of this literary abortion. The world starts to panic as Theresa’s plan to put everyone into a deep sleep begins to gradually overtake the globe. However, Stinson and Blair, Theresa two biggest, lame-brained, lobotomized, numbnuts cheerleaders assure the entire world population that while it may seem like a bad thing, nothing that Theresa does can ever be bad, and that Theresa can only be good and do good. Why is this a good thing? Because Theresa needs time to

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Looks like I was wrong about Theresa being back on her feet already. Hey, even the best of us are wrong sometimes. Instead, something very unexpected happens. In fact, it’s so unexpected because there was absolutely no evidence to suggest that any such thing would ever happen at any point in the book. Especially not in the second to last chapter! All of a sudden, hundreds of HALs come drifting down out of the sky like little snowflakes. That came out of nowhere. This might be a clever plot

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The chapter opens with a pseudo-intellectual quote that only turns out to be Theresa boasting about her greatness. Then she boasts about all of the good things that he has in her life, probably as a way to justify how great she is. Then she basks in the praises that people heap upon her as she does pretty much nothing to turn North Korea into a democracy, but says that she does and expects us to take her word for it. Show. Don’t tell. Put up or shut up. She does tell us that she plans to make

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We’re doing things a bit differently this week. Since this series of analyses can be done by Friday, we’re getting one chapter a day now, until the end of this literary travesty. Everyone ready? Let’s go.

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This chapter actually has a pretty catchy opener with a very brief, single sentence about how the New York Times ran a headline that says, ‘Theresa Hartley Eyes North Korea.’ This is a pretty effective device, and would not look out of place in a lot of thriller novels. Perhaps in the twenty years that it took Boutin to write this book (yes, it seriously took that long. So he claims) he did a little bit of homework. If only minimal, as the rest of the book is still an incredible drag.

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Okay, the excitement of air travel is behind us. Theresa can now proceed to meet her parents unscathed.

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After so very long, Theresa is finally going home to America, but not before tipping the butler ten million dollars (Scarecrow, I think I’ll miss you most of all). She and Steve hustle their way through the airport, Theresa keeping up her Karen act as she ignores all of the people who are praising her as she passes by them. She says that if they don’t like it, that’s too bad.

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The chapter opens with the scene cutting suddenly back to Theresa and Steve, who just happened to be watching TV when news suddenly breaks about Exxon’s ship, the Exxon Maria, sinking. We then cut to what Theresa refers to as an ‘Anderson video,’ and that tips her off that it was indeed a terrorist attack, and not a freak accident. The wording of the paragraph and the use of the phrase was very strange, so I wasn’t sure if this was some jargon or slang that I wasn’t familiar with, so I just had

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It’s three weeks later, and Theresa is finally ready to start raising that land bridge from Israel to Crete. It’s been a while since they were so jarring, but we do get a series of completely pointless numbers about how big and long the land bridge will be.

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