Rainbow Dash is still trying to build up the nerve to ask Pinkie out when she gets roped into looking after her father for a day. Clyde Pie is a jokester like his daughter, but before he accepts Rainbow Dash as a potential daughter in law he's going to see if she can take a joke. See where Pinkie got her love of pranks from as Clyde puts on a face as stone as his crops.
Pinkie's loft was like a cave, the lone dark point in what was otherwise a beautiful sunny day. The usual pastels were replaced with browns and greys, and the shutters were drawn so that candles were the only source of light in the room. Pinkie was making herself busy with dinner, her hair unusually flat in her newly sepia-toned room. However, even in the dark, brooding room Pinkie's face was nothing but smiles.
"You didn't have to do all this Pinkamina," said the other pony in the loft. Almost blending into the darkness of the room, Clyde Pie sat, stoic as always. Clyde was an old pony, the gray showing in his mane and mutton chops but not much else. He was tough from years on the toughest of farms, and he still carried himself like an able-bodied stallion. He had been relaxing on his old, rickety rocking chair until he finally decided to speak up. "You moved out to Ponyville, I expected things to change. In fact if the letters I've been receiving are even half as outstanding as they seem I'm quite proud of everything that's happened since you've left the farm. You don't need to hide all of this from your old stallion Pinkie."
"I'm not hiding it from gramps, daddy! It's hard to not hide something from Grampa, he hasn't been able too see anything past two feet for years now." Pinkie joked as she continued preparing dinner. "Unless of course you've started referring to yourself as an old stallion again. Daddy, you're still fifty-five years young!"
"Heh, you tell that to my knees. But I mean it Pinkie. When I got your invitation to come up and visit I didn't want to impose on you." Pinkie promptly put down her bowl of salad and rushed over to her father's side.
"Oh no no no! This isn't an imposition in the slightest! I'm just doing what I would have wanted when I came to Ponyville the first time. Sure everything's great and colorful but it's quite the change from the rock farm eh? It's like the rainbows here have two extra colours compared to the farm, and don't get me started on the noise! Sometimes when I first got here it would have been nice to just have a place like home for a little while. Anyway, I've been waiting for months for a reason for straight hair. Do you like it?"
"Hah, just as pretty as always Pinkie. But I have to ask, what in tarnation was able to straighten that out? Celestia knows we tried pretty much everything on the farm." Pinkie shuffled a bit nervously as her father recollected the last time they had tried to straighten Pinkie's hair. They lost three combs that day and they only ever got one back out of her mane before Pinkie left for Ponyville.
"Oh, nothing special," Pinkie Pie replied, "Just two industrial straighteners and the power of negative thinking."
"I knew it! The only time I ever saw your hair like that after your cutie mark was when Gummy got lost under the couch. Now I told you not to go through anything like this for me!"
"Well the hair's not all for you. I mean I knew you'd like it, and I wanted to see myself with it." Pinkie paused, but her father knew her too well. He always knew when Pinkie was only half telling the truth, from corncakes to curfews. Reluctantly, Pinkie squeaked out ,"And there might be a mare who I maybe want to impress."
A smile crept onto Clyde's face. It had been a few years since Inkessa had moved out, but rarely a day went by when he wasn't being a father somehow.
"Don't tell me she's going to have to get your approval Daddy." For the first time in the conversation, Pinkie got the slightest bit nervous. That melted away as her father pulled her into a big hug.
"No, I don't think any one of your friends is going to be needing my approval Pinkie. You're a smart filly. Just let me give'em the old eye just once and I'll be good." They both laughed at that.
"You know, my friend Fluttershy has a stare that beat a cockatrice. I don't think your 'eye' is going to scare me any more daddy."
"That's 'Father' to you Pinkamina! Now come on, dinner won’t make itself!" Clyde gave Pinkie a look from his trademark eye and Pinkie's heart started beating a mile a minute. Without a second thought, she leaped up and started setting the table with a cowardly “Eep”.
Pinkie only stopped once the blood stopped beating so loud she could hear her father's warm laughter.
"Meanie! That's what you are Dad! Do you know how terrifying that was?" Pinkie caught her breath, and realizing her misstep quickly added, "As a foal!"
"Oh I haven't done that in years! But you know what?” Clyde let out a loud hearty laugh. “I've still got it! And before you start calling me a monster, you come back to me after you've had three screaming kids and an alligator in your living room. Then we'll talk about the eye."
"This is the reason I have to resort to flour when I look after foals," Pinkie Pie mumbled under her breath. "Well you can get up, dinner is ready. I hope you like your salad extra hot after that," Pinkie said with a sinister gesture towards her hot sauce. Clyde slowly walked over to Pinkie before wrapping her up into a big hug.
"Who do you think introduced you to hot sauce?" Pinkie laughed, and as Clyde sat down in her loft, he really had to commend Pinkie Pie. He didn't feel like he had ever really left home.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Meanwhile, down below a certain pegasus was entering the bakery portion of Pinkie's home. Usually she always entered from the second level, because Rainbow Dash never missed a chance to fly. However when she tried to soar in today she was surprised to see the door blocked and the windows closed. Confused, and maybe the tiniest bit worried, she decided to go in through the main entrance.
Rainbow Dash walked up the stairs, feeling weird just coming in like anypony else. Her lean athletic body, having just woken up around an hour ago, was already alert, and she seemed ready for whatever the world could throw at her. Her mane even had been combed today, even if she would deny it the first chance she got. When she cleared the stairs, she once again was surprised to see the door to Pinkie's room was closed. This was a bad sign. Pinkie's door was usually not just open, but also with polka music or something ridiculous blaring out of it. Right now, the only thing that could be heard from behind the door was quiet conversation and a few chuckles. It was unsettling to say the least. Trying not to think about what she could be talking to herself about, Rainbow hesitantly knocked on the door.
When she saw the door open however, it was even slightly more shocking because Pinkie's hair was straight. Rainbow Dash knew from experience what that meant, but what really freaked her out was the giant smile on her face. The hair and the smile together was such a contrast of emotions that it screwed up Dash's “fight or flight” to the point she just stood still, jaw open.
"Oh hi Dashie! Do you like my new look? It took so long to get it this way, but who cares? Do you like it?" If Rainbow was on the spot before, now she had a million thoughts running through her head. It seemed that Pinkie wasn't having a mental breakdown but instead was trying out a new hair style. Important note.
However this was one of those rare opportunities for Dash to try and leave the friendzone. She could tell Pinkie how good she looked with straight hair, how it made her look serious yet fun. She could say that she loved the hair almost as much as the pony behind it. She could just say it looked sexy. Really, this was a golden chance she was presented with.
Ever since they had started hanging out Rainbow had a little crush on Pinkie. Of course, Rainbow never acted on it. She was the pony that ponies should be having crushes on. But as the days turned to weeks and they kept hanging out, Rainbow slowly started to realize they were entering the friendzone. Sure they'd joke and hang out all day, but instead of a goodnight kiss it would end with a high-hoof or a prank. If it kept going like this, Rainbow would be best friends for life in the worst of ways.
So, Rainbow had been trying to subtly hint that she was interested in Pinkie, but it all went way over her head. It was extra annoying because this was Rainbow’s definition of subtle. However, it was that obliviousness that was part of Pinkie's charm. The fact that she was so focused on her goals at the time, whatever they may be, was very appealing to Rainbow Dash. Rainbow for all of her confidence was never without worry, but Pinkie? She didn't have time to think about what could go wrong, because what she was doing was just so ridiculous she couldn't spare the peace of mind. This wasn't the only reason Dash liked Pinkie but it was just one of many. Pranks, laughter, and sweets were just the surface of a very sincere and happy pony.
However, as it happened far too often for her liking, Rainbow snapped under pressure.
"It's nice," Rainbow squeaked out, but she knew she buckled. This certainly wasn't going to take her out of the friendzone, and it wasn't even that great for a friendly comment. But to Pinkie, it was like the sun rising. With a “sproing”, her hair instantly inflated back to normal.
"Fiddlesticks! Oh well, I guess it’s for the best. Nice while it lasted though." Before Rainbow could use some of her moves, maybe saying how it was more than nice, a timer went off from the bakery below. "Ooh, that's for me! Dashie, feel free to make yourself at home, I'll be back up in just a minute!" Pinkie raced down the stairs, and from the aroma wafting up the stairs, it was probably for the best that she was running.
With a sigh, Rainbow hovered over to her usual spot on the loft. Even though it was Pinkie's room, this spot was entirely Rainbow's. It was as comfortable to her as her cloud house, and sitting in it let the world just fade away. That spot was the perfect release after a day of being chased by Applejack through town square or narrowly dodging a sowing needle or ten from an angry Rarity. Circling like a dog, Rainbow finally settled down on her favourite spot. She laid there all of two seconds until Clyde scared her halfway to the roof.
"Hello there," Clyde said from his rocking chair. His brown coat made him more like a chameleon than a pony right then, and Rainbow all at once realized she had been two feet from a fifty year old stallion watching her from the darkness in her friend's room. In her mind, her scared leap was completely justified.
"Holy Celestia! Who are you?!" Rainbow Dash said as she tried to regain herself while simultaneously using her friend's bed as cover.
"The name's Clyde Pie, but you can call me sir, young filly. Where are your manners? Where were you raised, in the woods? Over the woods?" Clyde may have sounded furious, but he was only feigning indignation. Underneath the tough rock pony look Clyde was first and foremost a loving father who just wanted what was best for his daughters. Currently, he had no idea if that was Rainbow Dash. The easiest way he could think of testing Rainbow Dash for the Pie clan was to see if she could take a joke. That was why he now looked like he had all traces of fun sucked out of him, and replaced that void with judgement. He was doing his fall-back, the angry dad.
If Rainbow's mind could be summed up in one word, it was terror. She had of course heard Pinkie's tales about life on the "rock farm", but Rainbow had always assumed that this was another one of her stories. Even though Rainbow had thought it was all fiction until today, the stallion before her screamed rock farmer before Rainbow even knew what a rock farmer was. He looked like the literal opposite of Pinkie Pie. If he was an element of harmony, he'd be the the element of not impressed. Basically, he was not what Rainbow had been expecting to be Applejack's father, let alone Pinkie. Feeling like she had just been caught skipping flight school, Rainbow managed to stutter out a response.
"Sorry sir! I uhm, didn't see you. Not that I'm saying you blend in with the brown, or that that's um bad of course. Sorry what I meant to say is uhm, rocks! Yeah, gotta love those rocks. You know what they say about rocks and all."
"What do they say about rocks Rainbow?" Strike one, but Rainbow was going out swinging.
"They rock?"
"They don't say that about rocks." Strike two. The silence that permeated the room was so tense you wouldn’t have been able to cut it with a knife. Rainbow Dash was sweating so much that the rainbow on her flank could have been from condensation.
However, before things could get any worse, Pinkie came back. No muffins in sight, but with a fresh tray of ash, she came in smiling as always. Then she jumped a little as her whole body started to shake.
"Pinkie sense acting up again?" Clyde inquired.
"How can I help it? This town is just so predictable. Oooh, this is a real doozy," Pinkie said as she literally started to inflate. "Oh, uhm this is awkward. Dad I'm going to go do something right now, no questions. Sorry, Pinkie sense and all!"
"No worries." Clyde was like a wall in his reactions. This wasn't his first rodeo.
"Dashie, can you stay with him today? He's visiting and if I'm not here he'll have nothing to do the whole day!"
"But, I don't even know him!"
"Oh Dashie, you can handle it! Daddy, this is Rainbow, Rainbow this is Daddy. But you can call him Clyde." Clyde gave Rainbow dash a stare that showed he had no intention of being called Clyde. "Don't let his looks fool you, he's a real hoot!" Clyde continued giving Rainbow a look that assured her he was no “hoot”. "I'll be back for dinner, bye daddy!" Pinkie gave her dad a quick kiss on the cheek before bursting out her window and racing off to parts unknown.
There was a pause after that, broken only momentarily by Carrot Cake's frustrated cry from outside at seeing his window smashed yet again. However, eventually Clyde broke the silence.
"They're balloons."
"Huh? I mean pardon?"
"Her cutie mark. Pinkie got them after she threw her very first party. You could say that they represent her ability for party planning, but I like to think that its more than that. I think it represents her uplifting spirit, always wanting to make everypony feel even the tiniest bit better." Clyde was almost friendly with his explanation, alleviating a lot of Rainbow's fears. Maybe spending the day with Clyde would be alright after all, even if he was a bit old fashioned.
"I've never heard that interpretation of her cutie mark before, uhm sir. I like it though."
"Good." Clyde had set the bait, and looking right at Rainbow Dash he pulled it in. "So now that that's cleared up could you please stop checking out my daughter's hindquarters?"
Strike three, and it felt like her entire body flushed into her cheeks. This was going to be a long day.
(Special author’s thanks to Vimbert for editing! I know it’s cliched, but he honestly made my piece at least 20% cooler, and probably a whole lot more readable to boot)
Sometimes Fluttershy almost wished for something to happen in her quiet little cottage. It seemed like days could go by where all she did was watching her pets and counting the clouds. It was relaxing, to say the least, but sometimes she wanted to talk to somebody other than Angel. She didn’t mind that he never talked back, but he could just be so stubborn. However, whenever her need to go out and take a night on the town got too overwhelming, something always burst in her door to remind her how stressful it could be.
Today that something was Pinkie, and Fluttershy let out quite the squeal when she saw Pinkie burst into her living room.
Needless to say, the mice scattered, the ducks flew, and Angel jumped into his burrow, leaving a very flabbergasted Fluttershy and a panting Pinkie alone in the cabin. As the room calmed down, Pinkie spoke first. With sad, pouty eyes she looked up to Fluttershy.
“I’m a bad pony.” Pinkie finally said. Fluttershy knew this wasn’t the end of her story, and as the good listener she was, let her continue. “My dad’s in town and he’s living with me for the week. But then Rainbow came by and I ditched my dad onto Rainbow Dash.”
“What? Pinkie, I thought you loved your father?” Fluttershy inquired.
“I do! He’s the bestest pony in the whole world! I didn’t leave him because I was bored of him! It’s just when I’m around Rainbow Dash I get, well you know Fluttershy.”
“How’s that going anyway? The uhm, Rainbow Dash situation I mean.” Pinkie had never actually needed to confide in Fluttershy about Rainbow Dash because Fluttershy was close enough friends with both to see what was going on. Pinkie had a crush on Rainbow and Rainbow had a crush on Pinkie. However, she would never betray their trust by telling the other.
“Great! She liked my mane! Well, actually it was going great but now I stuck her with my dad for the afternoon. I don't even know how it happened. All I knew was that Rainbow Dash liked my mane, and, well I guess that was all I really knew. I was too nervous to do anything, especially with my dad beside me, so when my Pinkie sense went off I just used it as an excuse to bolt!"
"Your Pinkie Sense? What was it? Twitchy tail?" Fluttershy cowered under her table. She had seen enough twitches to know it usually ended up in comical violence, and that was just too much for her.
"No, my toast was up. In hindsight, I probably should have dealt with that before I left. Actually I probably should have not left Rainbow with my dad first."
Before Pinkie could work herself up over it again, Fluttershy cut her off. Her lessons on assertiveness with Rarity were starting to kick in. Not too well, or else Fluttershy would have told Rarity she hated the lessons, but this was a start.
"Well, Pinkie I think you’re looking at the wrong problem here. Your father is a very nice stallion and I'm sure Rainbow Dash will be able to overcome the awkwardness and have an enjoyable day with him."
Meanwhile, back at Sugarcube Corner...
"..."
"..."
"So, how is it back on the farm?"
"Bleak. Like always."
"So, good?"
"Not really."
"..."
*-*-*-*-*-*-* "The real problem is that you can't approach Rainbow Dash, and I'm just the pony to help you! Today we’re going to work up your courage so that you can ask Rainbow to be your special somepony!" Fluttershy felt like she was Rainbow Dash, giving an inspirational speech. For what it was worth, Pinkie certainly seemed to buy it.
"Okie dokie! What should we do first then?" Pinkie was almost hopping, completely compartmentalizing her worries about Rainbow and Clyde for now. She was pretty good at that sort of thing. Fluttershy, however, was like a fish out of water. Scratch that, she was a fish buried in the mud. All she had about being assertive was what Rainbow and Rarity had tried to teach her. If she could only be Rainbow Dash, then she'd know what to do!
It was suddenly obvious. She could be Rainbow Dash!
"Alright Pinkie, you can be yourself and I'll be Rainbow Dash! Just ask me out and we'll go from there."
"Ok, here we go!" With a deep breath, Pinkie was actually serious. This wasn't to say she was sad or angry or even unhappy, but she was serious. The words she was saying were sincere, repeated in her mind dozens of times before. "Hey Rainbow Dash, has anyone ever told you how awesome you are? Because I think you're the best flier in Ponyville, and the most loyal friend in Equestria. And, uhm, you’re so loyal and awesome that I was thinking we could be more than friends. So how about you come over to my place and we can, hang out?" It took a second for Pinkie to really let what she had said sink in, but she was actually shocked by how confident she sounded. She was feeling pretty good about it until she saw Fluttershy curled up in a ball, once again under the table.
"Oh my, that was so, uhm, forward. I know I'm not Rainbow Dash, but if I was I'm sure I would have just fainted from something like that. I think were going to need to work on that."
"Really? Did you like any of that?"
"It was all, uhm, nice! But I think everything needs to be changed just a teeny little bit if you don't mind. Although I did like when you said uhm. That can stay. It shows real emotion." As Fluttershy crawled out from underneath the table, Pinkie realized maybe Fluttershy wasn't the pony to go to for romance advice.
*-*-*-*-*-*-* The scene at Sugarcube Corner was going worse than Fluttershy's cottage. Rainbow was actually hoping for the awkward silence, because every time she opened her mouth, she somehow offended Clyde. She was running out of neutral conversation topics at an alarming rate. Clyde was not a talker apparently. Or maybe he just hated everything Rainbow Dash said. Only one way to test that theory.
"Anything you want to talk about Mr. Pie?"
"Have you ever heard about rock law?" Clyde finally said something that was open for conversation. It would have been a great sign if not for the disapproving look in his eyes and not even the tiniest hint of a smirk on his face.
"Nope. Never have. What is it, like the code for rock sizes?" It wasn't, but it was a lot closer than what Clyde was going to spew.
"Rock Law is a code that my people follow. It's a set of rules that any rock farmer, big or small, brown or pink follows above anything else. It's basically the law from where I come from, everything from murder to the angle of my hat and everything in between." Obviously a town within a day’s journey of Ponyville wasn't operating under another legal system, and if they were, it wouldn't be called the rock farmer's equivalent to apple's law, but Rainbow was too intimidated by Clyde to even think about objecting.
"Wow, I can't believe Pinkie never told me about any of them." Rainbow said with genuine shock. With the amount of time Pinkie never closed her mouth, Rainbow was surprised she hadn't heard every detail of her life tenfold.
"Well, they don't come up too often if you’re a good rock farmer at heart. Really the only one to cause much of a ruckus is that a mare can only date somepony with her father's permission." An audible gulp was heard as Rainbow Dash swallowed a lump in her throat.
"This isn't just a quaint rustic story is it?"
"No. It's my way of saying that if you even lay a hoof on her without my permission I will have to enact Rock Law and that means..." Clyde honestly didn't know what it meant. He was still flying by the seat of his non-existent pants. But with Rainbow's plate-sized eyes, he decided to go big. "It means that Pinkie has to live on the farm for a year. With no access to the outside. Or light. And no smiles! I can't believe I forgot that."
Rainbow was shocked. Back on the farm all by herself, and no smiling? Pinkie wouldn't last a week! This Rock Law was terrible. It almost made her want to say that to Clyde, but of course she was still terrified and continued listening intently.
"But, there is a way for you to win my approval."
"What?" Rainbow urgently asked. Clyde usually compared his pranking style to hunting, but with Rainbow it was like shooting fish in a barrel. He could prepare all the bait he needed, but really Rainbow was going to do most of his work for him with her worrying.
"All you have to do is whatever I say for the entire day. It's an ancient rock pony tradition to show respect. But if you fail my inspection, Pinkie's going home with me." Clyde had to kick himself for that one. Even by his standards, “rock pony” was a step too far.
Rainbow didn't seem to notice though. Clyde could almost see the gears grinding in her mind, wondering what to do. On one hoof, she could do nothing and be friends with Pinkie forever. On the other she could risk it all for a shot at love. All the absurdity and pressure of the situation seemed to cancel each other out for a brief moment of clarity.
"I'll do it!" she said, loyal to the end and chest puffed out.
"Perfect," Clyde said. In a softer tone, he added, "Dance my puppet, dance."
*-*-*-*-*-*-* "What's the worst that could happen anyway with your father? He may look tough but he's got a heart of gold."
"Yeah, to you! Don't get me wrong, I love him to bits! But where do you think I learned how to prank? He never misses a chance to prank! Back when I would bring friends home from school he'd tell them that he was a secret agent. When I started coming home late he'd turn off all the lights and act like the family moved. One day when I put a whoopee cushion on his chair he put a trap door under mine! He was great for you because I made him Pinkie swear not to prank you."
"Well, I'm sure Rainbow can handle a few pranks."
"Yeah, maybe..."
*-*-*-*-*-*-* "You do realize I heard you when you said 'dance my puppet, dance', Mr Pie?"
"I'd hope so! Kids today with there loud music can't hear a darn thing I swear. Now put on some soft shoe or Pinkie's coming home with me." Before Rainbow had a chance to think, Clyde put on one of his old records. As the needle hit thread an old-timey tune blared out, and Rainbow awkwardly started shuffling her legs. "C'mon, enchant me with your dancing!"
Rainbow Dash sighed, before going fully into this old time dance routine. She had no idea how stupid she was looking, but she could at least take solace in that she was being heroic. Well, as heroic as she could be while doing soft horseshoe without a dancing bone in her body. Clyde on the other hoof didn't crack a smile even an inch. On the inside, it was a different story.
"Well, way down upon the Swanee Riv-riv-riv," the music blared in the background, finally starting to skip as the needle hit a less than ideal section of the record. Apparently God did exist for Rainbow. It had been about twelve minutes of old time tap dancing and she was beat, physically and mentally. As much as she felt like the hero right now risking it all for Pinkie, it was all counteracted by the dancing. This would not be a story she would be boasting about anytime soon.
Even Clyde didn't seem to find it all that entertaining. He never cracked a smile the entire time and not a chuckle escaped his old lips. That wasn't to say he wasn't paying attention though. He barely blinked the entire time, staring right into Rainbow's eyes. His stare bored into her, its judgement almost having enough force on its own to push her back. Even when the music finally faded away, Clyde continued his death stare. Awkwardly Rainbow tried to finish her “act”.
"Ta da!" she announced with an attempt at jazz hooves and a smile as fake as a three bit bill, which seeing as they are coins are, in fact, rather fake. Clyde gave her a very slow clap, not breaking his stare for a second. Before Rainbow finally cracked from his stare, he slowly turned to look out the window.
"I guess that will have to do for now. So Rainbow Dash, what's interesting in Ponyville?" Clyde asked as he stared outside. Rainbow had to suppress her instinct to proclaim that she was the only interesting thing in Ponyville, but struggled to think of something an old stallion would like. There was that home where she saw a bunch of old stallions hanging about, but none of them ever seemed happy there. Rainbow didn't know why they even went there in the first place. All she knew was that it was so great nobody ever left. And that a lot of them thought she was their granddaughter, which is why she didn't want to go anywhere near it again.
All this thinking was of course assuming that Clyde enjoyed anything, which other than Pinkie, he apparently didn't. Rainbow realized that this was the perfect situation to try out successfully failing. It was a concept Twilight had told her about, but she had assumed she would never need it until now. It basically meant that if you are doomed to fail, then you should fail in the best possible way. If she was going to be stuck with a cranky old stallion all day, at least she could spread that joy with somepony else.
"Well, Ponyville is actually home to one of Equestria's highest quality apple farms, Sweet Apple Acres!"
"An apple farm? That sounds like the most boring farm I've ever heard of. What do you do? Mine an apple vein? Grind down an apple tree to apple pebble? Doesn't even sound like a farm to me." Sensing she was losing the sale, Rainbow leapt in with her clincher.
"It sure is a farm, and it's run by one of Pinkie's best friends!"
"Twilight Sparkle?" Clyde was really starting to have fun with Rainbow now. All he had to do was be the eternal contrary thinker and Rainbow would handle the rest.
"What? No! I, uhm mean no sir! The farm is run by Applejack."
"Applejack? The loyalest of friends and the most dependable of ponies? Well in that case I would love to go!"
"Well I wouldn't exactly say she's the loyalest of friends..."
"I sure would! She said it herself from what I've heard, and she's the element of honesty you know? They just don't give those out to anypony." Rainbow was steaming, but before she could do something she'd regret Clyde got off of his chair and strolled downstairs. "Come along Dash, I didn't come all the way here to sit and watch you dance. Let’s take in the sights."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Sweet Apple Acres may have been the most tranquil place in Ponyville. There was work to be done at the farm, but it was methodical and calm. Applejack whistled as she strolled through the orchard, looking for any apples that had survived the final round of bucking. The apple bucking season was just about done and Applejack felt like a million bucks. Specifically like she had just committed a million bucks to her apple trees, but satisfied none the less. As she scooped the few last hold-outs into her barrel, she saw a mighty peculiar sight walking down the road to her farm.
One of them was obviously Rainbow Dash. Applejack could always spot her from a mile away. Partially due to her years of friendship, but also because she had a mane like a warning sign to the world. However what threw her off was the old stallion walking up to the farm. He looked like he hadn't smiled in years, and Dash looked terrified of him. Dash couldn't have been walking on more eggshells if she had gone through the chicken coop. Applejack was intrigued enough to walk over to the pair.
"Well howdy Rainbow! Who's your friend here?"
"The Name's Clyde Pie. I believe you know my daughter, Pinkie." Applejack's mouth was slack jawed. "Yes, the resemblance is uncanny. She's got the old Pie family grit. But where are my manners? I believe you would be Applejack?"
"Yes, that would be me. So what brings the two of you all the way up to Sweet Apple Acres?" Applejack was still in the dark, and the sly smirk on Clyde’s face didn’t help.
"Well, Rainbow and I were talking at my place when I just got fed up of being cooped up inside. So after I convinced Rainbow to come on outside, you know how lazy this ball and chain can get I'm sure, we just decided to stroll on over to Sweet Apple Acres. Why did we come here again Rainbow?" If anything at least Clyde was being more talkative, so Rainbow decided to go with the flow.
"The sights. They sure are beautiful up here. Apples everywhere, and stuff."
"You said it dear." Dear, a perfectly acceptable word for a stallion to call an obviously too young mare like Rainbow, as she interpreted it correctly. Or, a perfectly acceptable word for a lover to call his other half, as Applejack misinterpreted it just as Clyde planned.
"Well shoot if you two don't sound like your having a hoot together! Clyde how would you like to have a private tour of this here property?
"Well that sounds perfectly swell-" But before Clyde could finish he was abruptly cut off by an antsy Applejack.
"BIG MAC! WE HAVE A STALLION HERE IN NEED OF A TOUR PRONTO. Big Mac's a real blast, you'll love him. In the meantime can I talk to Rainbow Dash for just a bit?" Rainbow looked to Clyde and he nodded. Applejack's forced smile became even faker upon seeing that exchange. Before Rainbow knew it she was being swept off to the nearest tree by an angry apple farmer.
Meanwhile, Clyde was beginning his tour with Big Mac. Staying true to his character, let’s just say it was an awfully quiet trip. Clyde wasn't really paying attention though as he was more listening for Applejack from behind her tree.
"Are you insane?" Applejack yelled at the utterly confused pegasus. "First of all he's got a good twenty years on you! Second, he's basically Amish and I don't think that'd be a great match with your personality! But most importantly, Pinkie's dad? Do you know how awkward that's going to be for her? I'll feel awkward living within a mile of her house! How are you even attracted to him? Does he have bits?"
Putting two and two together, Rainbow snapped back before her friend could get any farther.
"Woah AJ, woah. I'm not dating Pinkie's dad! He's just in town and I came over to visit Pinkie. Long story short, she had to go and now I'm stuck doing old time dances for him. Nothing more!"
"Uggh, that's even worse! I don't even want to know what old time dancing is a euphemism for."
"We’re not friends with benefits! What benefit would I get from him? A pension? I'm just keeping an eye on him while Pinkie's gone, alright?" Applejack seemed a little suspicious, but after Rainbow gave her a glare she seemed to believe her. "It's been like this all day! He's impossible to please and all he does ends up like this. I don't even think he likes it!"
"He seems to be enjoying his tour with Big Mac." It was true, Clyde was letting a brief smile cross his lips.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* "...."
"So you farm apples?"
"Eeyup."
"I like that."
"Eeyup"
"..."
"Rocks are the better crop of course."
"....Nope."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
"Well, if you're not dating him, why are you spending the day with Pinkie's dad? I know you said Pinkie left, but if I know you, you could've wriggle out an excuse faster than a rattlesnake in a boot." Applejack was proud of that simile, feeling like it almost validated her many experiences with rattlesnakes.
"Well, I sort of want to make a good first impression. I mean-"
"Right, your crush on Pinkie. Should have thought of that one." Rainbow's crush wasn't exactly common knowledge, but for her close friends it was pretty obvious. There was of course the stolen glances and awkward smiles, but it was even more omnipresent. The easiest sign was the never leaving shade over Sugar Cube Corner from Rainbow's "drifting" cloud beds. Rainbow had up until now thought she was being pretty sneaky, however.
"What? Where did you get that from? That's just crazy!"
"Well it’s either that or you’re seducing her dad."
"Why did I even come here?" Rainbow said partly to herself, but definitely loud enough so Applejack could hear. Applejack, for her part wasn't giving her any reasons to stay.
"Maybe Pinkie was going to restock on apples. Maybe she was going to drop one, and have to bend over to pick one up, ever so slowly," Applejack said tauntingly. Rainbow had done this too her countless times with Caramel, who Applejack did not like in any way romantically, and as such Applejack had no qualms with her current teasing. "Maybe she'd even turn around and wink at you ‘Dashie’."
"I'm leaving."
"I can see that, your wings look like you're about to fly to Fillydelphia." For what felt like the thousandth time, Rainbow blushed hard before pulling down her wings. She had had it with Sweet Apple Acres and was searching for Clyde. What she didn't expect was to see Clyde barreling towards her at full speed with a barrel of apples, a rope around his waist and hooves like lightening.
Dropping the barrel for only a second, Clyde quickly spoke to Rainbow in between breaths.
"Big guy... doesn't like... being showed up... at bucking. We need to get out of here!" Clyde didn't want to break his straight face persona, but this was serious. What had been a friendly bucking contest got rather heated after Clyde used his full rock bucking leg strength. Suffice to say, the tree was knocked over and Mac was flabbergasted. Rainbow only saw a panting Clyde and an ever-increasing red dot, but she didn't have time to think. What Clyde wanted today, he got.
"So what do you need?"
"Do I have to spell it out for you?" Clyde tossed Rainbow the rope attached to him. "Fly you fool!"
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
"Get it?" Pinkie said to seemingly no one. Fluttershy ignored it after spending enough time with Pinkie, it was all normal to her.
"Alright Pinkie, let’s try this one more time." Fluttershy shifted her posture to Rainbow Dash mode. "Woo me." Pinkie immediately turned to Fluttershy, letting her hair fall over her face.
Pinkie let out a barely audible squeak. Overall Pinkie was doubting Fluttershy's advice more and more. Still, if Pinkie wasn’t mistaken Fluttershy seemed to be sporting a pretty deep blush from her “passionate” confession.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* After the rope was secured and Rainbow triple-checked Clyde knew what he was getting into, she finally took off, apples in tow. Apples were also in pursuit, but they weren't anywhere near fast enough.
"Yeehaw!" Clyde yelled as he flew down the road to Ponyille several feet above it. Rainbow wasn't anywhere near top speed, but he was flying. For the first time that day as Rainbow looked back, both ponies were smiling. Rainbow may have had not even a clue of what was happening, but this was teamwork, and if she wasn't mistaken, this was a prank.
Maybe Clyde could be a hoot after all. As if on cue, Clyde took that moment to let out a loud hoot. It wasn’t everyday you got a first class ticket on the fastest flier in Equestria, and Rainbow guessed it was even rarer back on the farm. It seemed they had both found something more enjoyable than her dancing.
Once Rainbow and Clyde had made it a safe enough distance from Sweet Apple Acres, Rainbow finally slowed down and landed. It was definitely an exhilarating chase, and she was sure she even saw Clyde crack a smile or two during the flight. Understandably, she was quite surprised when she turned around too see the same dead pan expression on Clyde's face. He looked like the flight they had just endured was less exciting than making breakfast. He didn't seem mad though, so Rainbow figured she would just have to make do with it. After untying his rope, Clyde slowly started trotting off to Ponyville so that Rainbow had to quickly catch up.
"So what is it about my daughter that makes you want to be with her?" Clyde finally said, not turning his head on his slow march back to town. Rainbow was caught off guard, she was used to being the conversation starter. It was probably for the best though, Clyde had shot down so many of her topics she was starting to resort to talking about the weather. Not even the cool weather like rain or sleet though, all she had left was cloud quotas and temperature guidelines at best. It was tough to be interesting when your job was the epitome of forced conversation.
None of that really mattered anymore though because Clyde had just leaped over the gap from small talk to real conversing like a trained show horse. If Rainbow was ever going to win him over, this was her opportunity. She could handle this though, it wasn't like what Clyde usually did. This was what she was expecting when she agreed to spend the day with him. Awkward, but manageable.
"Well, I think that Pinkie is a very kind, funny pony that I admire greatly." Rainbow knew what to do when talking to parents like this from her own experience. Lay on the schmaltz and they'll eat it up. " She has a hard work ethic and I want to treat her with the respect that she so much deserves, sir. I love being around her, and we get along great. I mean we are best friends. And if you have any doubt sir, I can show my sincerity by the fact I agreed to Rock Law." Throw in a pinch of good manners for Clyde, and boom. Nothing but a lasting impression of loyalty and honesty.
Well, that is splendid to hear Miss Rainbow Dash of Cloudsdale. I am so very honoured by that explanation that I believe I shall call of this whole trial and present to you my Daughter by sundown!" Clyde stopped and turned to Rainbow Dash. "I can speak fancy too, Rainbow. Now if you don't say some words that actually mean something I'd say we can call this day done." Rainbow wasn't expecting that, especially since she meant what she had said. Albeit the words may have been a bit over the top, but she still felt that way about Pinkie Pie.
"Hey, I meant everything I said!"
"Really? You want to be with my daughter because she is 'a kind, funny pony'? Was it her 'hard work ethic' that made you swoon? If the best reason you can give is that you get along great than I have news for you. Pinkie gets along great with everyone! So unless you have anything more too say you have just as much chance of being with Pinkie as those trees back at the farm. Because guess what? Even they get along great with Pinkie."
The truth of Clyde's statement slowly hit home with Rainbow. She basically was saying how much of a friend she was, and really everyone was a friend of Pinkie. Living in Ponyville, it wasn't even a choice to be friends with her. One hit from her welcome wagon and she'd never let up. Really, Rainbow was just one among many, a friend of Pinkie. What made her different however was that she wanted more.
"Hey, that is so not true! Uhm... sir!" Rainbow quickly recovered. "Pinkie's everything I want in a pony. Its like, well, its like what my mom used to say to me. Whenever I asked her why she ended up with my dad, she always said it was because he was her best friend." Rainbow had asked her mother that on many occasions, as her dad was at times, quite the dork. Her mother had always been the cool one, always in control and ready for anything. Her dad, Celestia bless him, was a bit less focused. A clutz in the air and a jokester on the ground, Rainbow loved him, but she often wondered how anyone else could.
"I never really understood what she meant by that, but they were so happy together that I just sort of believed it. Then when I started living in Ponyville I met a ton of new ponies and made a bunch of friends. Being a world class flier can do that for you." She was interrupted by a "hrrumph" from Clyde, and started again a little more reserved. " I even made a few best friends. But all that made me think was that my mom was spouting a bunch of nonsense. I didn't feel that way about any of my friends. I guess you could say I loved them, but never in that way. Plus there wasn't just one best friends and seeing how I wasn't living in Mootah I don't think I could marry them all."
"But then I started hanging out with Pinkie Pie. All of a sudden it all sort of made sense, I had found my best friend. I mean, I do everything I'd do with any of my friends, but it leaves me wanting more. I want to hear her laugh, I want to have the feeling of success when we pull off a prank together. Honestly, I just want to be with her more and I don't know what that really means. But I know that it's going to be more than friends." It felt nice to actually say it out loud Rainbow realized. It was almost reaffirming.
"That'll do." Clyde said, walking again as if nothing had been said. If Rainbow had just poured her soul out, than Clyde seemed to be a strainer. Rainbow couldn't help but feel ripped off with his lack of a response. Feeling cheated and just a little bit gutsy, she decided to press her luck.
"If you get a question like that, then I think I get a question too."
"Shoot."
"Why did you take all of those apples with you when you were running off?" There was a long pause after that. "Well?"
"I didn't say you'd get an answer."
Meanwhile back at Sugarcube Corner, Gummy was unamused. It was well past his lunch and there was no sight of any food available. His pink companion had left out the window, and the old brown pony wasn't anywhere either. If everything continued this way Gummy would have to resort to hunting like an animal. As degrading as it was, Gummy was more worried about how ineffective he would be without teeth. His killing tools were closer to the jaws of life than anything destructive.
Gummy sniffed around, trying to locate any spare cupcakes Pinkie might have left in her haste to leave. However, on examination things were worse than he thought. He smelt burnt toast. Now he was going to have a seizure and then starve to death. Doing the only thing his tiny brain could think of in a crisis situation, Gummy waddled forward at full speed before softly bumping into the walls of the bakery. He needed that, it cleared his head.However the burning toast was just all the more clear now.
The room was starting to get a little darker for Gummy. This was primarily from the smoke coming in from the very real burning toast which had never been taken out, but he saw it as his life force fading. Realizing that he needed help, Gummy started his adorable, yet life threatening, waddle out of the house. It would take a while, and it wouldn't be easy, but Gummy had to do what he had to do.
Back in Ponyville, Rainbow and Clyde were finally nearing the city proper. Clyde still wasn't talking beyond one or two word sentences, but Rainbow wasn't terrified of him anymore. Well, unless he said something that put her back on high alert which was surprisingly often. Right as they came into town however, Rainbow was surprised to see one of her friends heading in the opposite direction.
However, she was more surprised when she saw Rarity come running up to Clyde in particular with a wide smile on her face. Clyde for his part had one of his fore legs raised for the oncoming hug. It wasn't a pinkie Pie like glomp, but instead a hug between friends.
"Clyde! Well its about time you came down to Ponyville!" Rarity seemed to notice Rainbow a bit later, turning to her and then back to Clyde. "What are you doing with Rainbow Dash?" Rainbow Dash was just confused now, especially since she was apparently the odd part of this encounter.
"Pinkie's out so I'm giving him a tour. Better question though, how do you know him?" Clyde took this opportunity to speak up.
"What do you think we do with the rocks we farm? Eat them?"
"Clyde here is single hoofedly the reason I'm still in business. I can't count the amount of times I've had a fashion line rely on his rocks and gems.And he always does it so promptly and professionally! I don't think I've ever been up there and not gotten a home-cooked meal with my shipment."
"Well that's the least I could do for my favourite client." Clyde said with a glow much akin to when he talked to Pinkie. Turning to Rainbow Dash he pulled Rarity in for another hug. "This little one has been coming up to my farm ever since she got her Cutie Mark. She's like one of the girls when she comes up, I'll tell you that much. Say, is this pony the one you were always trying to convince into giving a makeover?" Clyde had a mischievous twinkle in his eye.
"No, that would be Applejack. However... ooh I can just see it now!"
"Whoa, whoa whoa!" Rainbow Dash interjected. She had been Rarity's fashion puppet before, and it was not an experience she felt needed repeating. "I think I'm go-" she was cut off however by a subtle kick from Clyde. He was giving her a glare, one that clearly said she was getting a makeover. Through gritted teeth, she said "Actually, I think I'd love that Rarity."
Rarity wasn't stupid, but at the same time she wasn't going to let an opportunity like this pass. With a squeal she grasped Rainbow by the shoulder and dragged her off to the boutique in a cloud of dust. Clyde just let out a chuckle and slowly followed the pair.
(Author's note. Chapter 4, woohoo! So remember all that stuff I said about editing in the comments? My editor/reviewer just became a pre-reader for EQD (Congrats Vimbert!), so he wont be working on this anymore. In the meantime, I'll be posting this with only my proofreading for now.)
"Hold still Rainbow Dash! Your flinching isn't going to make this go by any quicker!" Rarity said as she pulled Rainbow's mane for the thousandth time. Needless to say Rainbow was not enjoying herself. This was the second time today she had her mane combed, after this she would be good for the next month. Rainbow never usually did anything with her hair because she really didn't need to. Honestly, when you have hair that's a rainbow you could go to the gala with bed head and no one would care. This was an anecdote she often loved to recite to Rarity whenever she would spend her third consecutive hour on her mane. However now the tables had turned.
Rarity wasn't combing Rainbow's hair though, and Rainbow really had no idea what she was doing. She knew she had washed her hair, and then had tried to stick some curly things in her mane before 'inspiration struck'. Now Rarity was just pulling out a treasure chest of objects Rainbow didn't want to see within a hundred feet of her. Razors, some crazy unicorn thing called scissors, and a clamp. Thankfully Rarity was seemed to settle on the clamp, or as she called it, a straightener. Rainbow was just beginning to calm down when she saw a fly land on the straightener and burn to a crisp.
"Gaaaah! You are not coming anywhere near me with that!" The scream was followed by much crashing and hollering, and then by a very slow closing of the door to the back of the Boutique by the owner's little sister.
"It's better if we just wait till it ends." Sweetie Belle said as she walked over to Clyde. Clyde chuckled before motioning beside him for Sweetie Belle to sit down.
"I haven't seen you in forever Sweetie Belle. How's Clyde favourite little singer?" Clyde said warmly. He had always treated Rarity and Sweetie like his own children whenever they had came over to his farm. The two families were rather close, and Clyde was almost like an uncle to the girls. Still, they only really met up about twice a year, and with a foal like Sweetie, that meant there was a lot to catch up on.
"Horrible! I just spent an entire afternoon being chased by bees and I still don't have a cutie mark." Sweetie pouted, looking almost defeated.
"Well, would you have wanted your cutie mark to be evading bees?"
"No, but at least it would have been something. Right now I'm just a big old blank flank! Well, today I have a few bee stings there, but that's not the point." Sweetie Belle let out a sigh. "I really thought I was going to get it this time. I mean, I out ran those bees way farther than Scootaloo!" She looked at Clyde like his acknowledgement would make a cutie mark appear on her flank spontaneously. Clyde for his part was used to this discussion by now after raising three fully grown mares. Celestia knows he wouldn't be a good example for Sweetie, all he had to do to earn his cutie mark was hit a rock with a pick axe. However, he had a better story to tell.
"I'm sure you ran circles around Scootaloo, Sweetie. But listen to an old Stallion here, you don't need to keep trying to get a cutie mark! These things come naturally, and most often when you least expect it." Sensing that Sweetie was just waiting to tell him how wrong he was, he kept pressing on. " Have you ever heard about how Pinkie got her cutie mark?"
"Oh yeah! There was a rainbow explosion in the sky and then she had a big party!"
"Uhm, yes that did happen. But I think your missing the moral of the story. Here, let me fill you in on some of the parts Pinkie didn't tell you. I'm sure you've realized that you can only do so much on the rock farm, right? Well Pinkie tried to do just about all of it one day. She had seen one of the girls at her school get a cutie mark of a boulder and she was so entranced she raced right home that day." Clyde let out a nostalgic chuckle, remembering the day like it was yesterday. "Next thing you know Pinkie was hitting every rock with every tool she could find. I swear if she didn't have to look back at her flank occasionally she wouldn't have ever stopped."
" So why didn't she get her cutie mark if she was doing all that work?" Clyde couldn't help but let out a quick snort.
"Because she was terrible at farming rocks! I swear she would pick up the axe by the pick half the time. The only reason I can think of why she did all this is because she wanted to make me and her mother proud. Pinkie always wanted to make everybody happy, even if it meant slaving away in the quarry fruitlessly. What she didn't realize at the time was that we never wanted her to be a rock farmer, we wanted her to be happy."
"When Pinkie finally gave up though, you know what happened? She did what she loved instead of just trying to get her cutie mark. She tried to make her family happy, and guess what? She got her cutie mark. Now, I think she was a bit to ecstatic back then to see what I'm getting at, but do you understand what I'm saying?"
"That by trying to get my cutie mark I'm really just delaying it?"
"Who ever said you city folk are dense?" Clyde got a gentle headbutt from Sweetie for that. However the moment was soon broken by another crashing sound from the back of the boutique.
"So why is Rainbow doing this anyway? What could you possibly have on her to make her do this?"
"Oh I've got nothing," Clyde smirked," but a winning poker face. Lets just say that Rainbow might be over thinking things as well. If she were to take as step back and actually think everything through, well, she wouldn't be getting her hair done."
"What's stopping her then?" Sweetie Belle said with eyes that made every trickster part of Clyde cringe.
"Let's just say it's been a busy day for her." Before Sweetie's eyes could break him he added "Busy, but for the best."
"How so?" As if on cue, Rainbow finally leaped out of the back room. she was panting and in a pile on the floor from her dramatic escape, but there was no denying the truth. She looked pretty. Her mane had been straightened, her coat exfoliated and her colours brightened. Rarity promptly followed Rainbow, choosing to walk instead of trying out Rainbow's dramatic leap of death. She seemed tired, but also extremely pleased with herself.
"Am I good or am I good? Rainbow darling, you can thank me later. And don't worry about paying me back, you get the friend's discount of course." Panting on the floor, Rainbow blew her hair off her face so she could retort.
"Thanks, I owe you one." The sarcasm was dripping to the point of flooding the room. Before Rainbow could collect herself though, Clyde had stood up and tipped his hat at the sisters.
"Mighty fine work as always Rarity. I hope to see you folks down at the farm soon. Remember you're always welcome as long as you give us a chance to whip up a fresh pie for you all. On he topic of that Rainbow, c'mon and get up. We have an initiation to do."
"I'm not done proving myself am I?" Rainbow said in a daze.
"Last one I promise. But I warn you, it is a doozy. Because really, how can you be with a Pie if you can't make a pie?"
"Wait, are we talking baking? Sir, honestly I haven't baked in years under court order. I'm not exactly a chef!"
"Humble pie doesn't count Rainbow, now come along. We've got work to do."
Meanwhile, back at the cottage Pinkie was finally packing up and getting ready to talk to Dashie. Although Fluttershy's advice wasn't exactly useable in any way, the day hadn't been a complete bust. Any day spent with a friend was a day well spent, and Pinkie wouldn't let horrible advice get in that way. With a quiet goodbye, Pinkie marched back down the road to Ponyville. She didn't know what to expect, but her mind was just full of possibilities.
Her first thought was that maybe Rainbow would be in the middle of a sonic rainboom when she would see Pinkie and coat the skies with a rainbow streaked confession of love. That's what Pinkie would have done if she was Rainbow Dash. Actually, that's what she would do regardless of the situation if she was Rainbow Dash,except spelling out different things. She'd probably never land. But Rainbow wasn't her, so that probably wasn't going to happen.
Her second thought was that maybe Rainbow would drop by sugar cube corner and have a full plate of sweets out in front of her. It was the perfect segue and dinner, allowing Pinkie to have an in by offering to help eat all the sweets. However, Pinkie eating was probably not her most becoming position, so she tried to think of something else.
The most prevalent scenario in her mind however was just something simple. Rainbow Dash was standing in town square, maybe checking out the cloudless sky she had just created. Pinkie would walk right up to her and say hi, and Rainbow would do the same. Then Pinkie would get right to it and spill out her soul. That was as far as that train of thought went though, Pinkie didn't try and go anywhere past that. One obstacle at a time was her mantra.
Really, Pinkie figured she was ready for anything. On a related note, Pinkie was also quite naive. So when she eventually saw her crush, she was blindsided by the situation. Rainbow was looking beautiful! Pinkie was seeing something on the scale of unapproachable levels of beauty. She was also flanked by her father, something Pinkie had somehow managed to block out of her scenarios. Panicking, she relapsed to what her training had taught her. With an "eep" she leaped into a nearby bush before waiting for her father and crush to pass.
"Maybe Rarity is still giving out assertiveness lessons" Pinkie thought to herself as she slowly sunk into the depths of the bush. It wasn't a perfect disguise, and to many passer-byes it was glaringly obvious. However, it was Pinkie and they more or less ignored by this point.
While all of this unfolded, Gummy found himself on a dangerous ledge. On one side was death by starvation and the presumably imminent seizure, the other a fall of great length to a future where he could live. He knew it was practically suicide, but he had no choice. Taking a step back, he then threw himself into the abyss.
A half second later he had landed unscathed. One step down, nineteen to go before the bottom floor.
"So where are we going anyway? We just passed Sugar Cube Corner." Rainbow said as she followed Clyde through Ponyville, keeping her now stylish head down. Even though she was probably the only one who would make fun of her for looking pretty, she didn't want to have to have anybody see her like this. It takes so long to build up a reputation, and it all can go up in flames the second you walk into town smelling like France rolled up into a pegasus.
"Hah, why would we go to Sugarcube Corner when we have everything we need right here? A true Pie can make a Pie out of nothing but hard work and elbow grease for the pan." Clyde had finally reached one of Ponyville's many parks, and settled down next to an oak tree. "Now, you aren't a true Pie, but the point still stands. I'll make it a bit easier by giving you the ingredients." Clyde then dropped the apples in front of Rainbow Dash, before turning to walk away. "You've got an hour."
"Wait, where is the dough? Or like an oven?"
"You've got the whole outside world Rainbow, don't tell me you can't bake a pie. Remember, this may be your last trial but as always it's all or nothing. Make me proud, or else." With a quiet chuckle, Clyde wandered off back to Town square. It was common knowledge the Pie's were famous for their pies, but this was mostly more rock pony nonsense. Pity crossed Clyde's mind as he realized that his beautiful apples would be ruined in the upcoming mud pie. To remedy this, he decided to go buy an actual pie, straight from Sweet Apple Acres' stand itself.
Rainbow Dash looked like a homeless pony, and not an exactly bright one either. She had already scavenged herself quite a few twigs she had found from the bushes and set up camp next to a puddle she had found. She was not proud of her excitement in finding a puddle to make dough out of the dirt, but there was no time for shame. She just had to keep adding dirt to the puddle, making the consistency thicker and thicker. She tried so hard to not make eye contact with anypony around her, because she didn't just look homeless anymore. Rainbow Dash looked like she had just escaped an institution and was attempting to dig her way back in.
No time for that though, this wasn't about anypony else. This was about Pinkie, so Rainbow started rubbing her twigs together as fast as she could. Through some act of Celestia she got a spark, and a small, dim fire had started. Step one was a resounding success! On a high from her cooking skills, Rainbow looked back at the dough. She had one apple covered in very runny mud. With a tired sigh she got back to work, followed by a very annoyed sigh after the first blew out her fire.
Watching it all unfold from the bushes was a rather confused Pinkie. She had followed her Dad and Rainbow into the park out of earshot, but all that meant was that she had absolutely no context as to what was going on. At first she thought she had a chance to go talk to Rainbow after her dad left, but then Rainbow just started acting weird. Pinkie was a bit unsettled, but she just really didn't want to have their first date story involve Rainbow fetching twigs and putting them in a pile.
When Rainbow finally made a fire, Pinkie got a tiny bit more worried. She almost felt like leaving her bush just so she could figure out what the hay was going on, but she thought better of it. When the fire blew out and Rainbow just began throwing twigs at apples in an apparent rage Pinkie lifted her foreleg to go talk to her. However, she was startled to find something weighing her foreleg down.
Gummy had somehow waddled all the way into the park and clamped himself down onto Pinkie's leg, and this made no sense whatsoever. Pinkie didn't care about how gummy had crossed town, and would never know about his thrilling chariot races and life altering journey that took him here. What didn't make any sense was that Gummy hated leaving his room, and would never do so without a reason. There were only three reasons that made Gummy feel like leaving his room.
First, Gummy loved his pet play-dates, but that wasn't for another two days. Secondly, Gummy had been known to claw at his door in the case that he hadn't been fed for a while. But if that was the case, he would have just gone to the kitchen. Unless...
A sudden wave of realization and then sudden disbelief crashed into Pinkie.
"Unless I left the toast in an industrial toaster in a house made of gingerbread." Pinkie looked into Gummy's eyes for a moment that felt like an eternity. Gummy blinked, Pinkie blinked, and then she turned around back to the Corner. She couldn't see it, there were buildings in the way of course. However, what she did see was a large billowing black cloud of smoke.
Kicking Gummy up to her mane, Pinkie galloped off at full speed back to her home forgetting Rainbow Dash and everything else but running. She felt her right eyelid shiver; Mr. Cake was going to yell again.
Clyde was also running at full speed now back to his daughter's home. While he was having a wonderful conversation with a little foal selling apples, he was surprised to see several ponies with hoses on their flanks running into town square. Looking too see where they were going, he quickly picked up his pie before galloping off to Sugarcube Corner.
The sight he was presented with was at once one of the most beautiful things he'd ever seen and the saddest. His daughter was alive, no signs of ash or burns on her. However, her hair was flat, she was covered in a blanket and appeared to be in shock. Behind her, her house was covered in black, entire segments burned to pieces. It seemed like the fire had spread all the way up to the loft and done the most damage there. His daughter's house was gone.
From the look in Pinkie's eyes he knew that she was somehow responsible for the fire.It was disbelief, her mind trying to not even think about what was going to happen. From the tears on her cheeks, it appeared to not be working very well. Clyde didn't really know how this had happened, and he frankly didn't care. Pinkie was in a horrible state right now and somepony needed to get her out of it. Clyde wanted nothing more than to run over and give his baby girl a hug, but he knew better than that. His daughter had her own life now and he couldn't do that every time she needed cheering up. She needed ponies to be there for her all the time. What she needed was a pony currently cursing a pile of mud across town.
The whole world was muted for Pinkie Pie, everything was off. The fire seemed to dance for her in slow motion, her nose seemed to pick up only the cinders of her loft. She couldn't taste any of the sweet pastries, only having a burnt sensation in her mouth. The only thing she seemed to focus on was the slow, gentle petting of an unusually solemn Gummy. She felt out of her body, picking up only fragments of the conversation around her.
"When did this happen?! Why didn't you tell me while I was making mud pie?" A brash voice said behind her, but Pinkie wasn't focusing. The day had started out with so much potential, and now where was she? Even if the cakes ever forgave her, she didn't have a home. Apprentice bakers don't really have enough to live off on and she didn't want to go home.
"Wait, you had your own pie this entire time?" Pinkie heard the voice again, but it was in one ear and out the other. "Don't tell me you made this out of twigs, it still has the Sweet Apple Acres logo on it!"
None of this mattered. Pinkie was going to go back home and live on the farm until she could find somewhere to live, and even then she didn't know if she could get a job back at Ponyville. Of course Pinkie could make friends wherever she went, but that would mean losing so many friends. All of her friends. She couldn't shoot the breeze with Applejack, she couldn't gossip with Rarity. The quiet days back at the cottage and the afternoons at the library would all end. And of course there was Rainbow...
" Oh man, what can I say to her?" The voice was a lot softer now, more familiar. "Okay, thanks." Pinkie turned around at this, and was flabbergasted at what she saw.
Rainbow Dash looked as beautiful as she had before, and was right in front of her. She had one of Pinkie's favourite Pie's on her back that she seemed to want to share with Pinkie. It was like everything today hadn't happened, for one moment the day had gone how it should have all along. To make the picture perfect, Pinkie even saw Clyde tipping his hat to Pinkie before conveniently taking a stroll. Rainbow took that opportunity to lie down next to Pinkie Pie.
"How are you taking it?" It was a simple question, it shouldn't have been a big deal. But Pinkie still had to stop herself from letting out an "eep" and hiding behind her mane. No doubt about it Pinkie would never take lessons on being assertive from Fluttershy again. However, she was able to make a reply.
"Oh, I'm good. How are you doing Dashie?" Se said dreamily. Rainbow seemed to squirm a little, not out discomfort but more surprise. Pinkie was caught off guard and looked for what could possibly be causing that reaction. Finally catching the fire in the background she let out a sigh. "Oh right, that. I'm, well I'm holding up."
" C'mon, let's go somewhere else. This place isn't good for you right now." Pinkie's brain noodle lost it right then. Rainbow Dash was asking her too go somewhere, alone! Of course a little part of her knew that there was more to this than just that, that part of her brain was quickly silenced by the part screaming " Oh my god I look terrible and covered in tears!"
"Ok, just let me go freshen up!" Pinkie said quickly as she rushed back to her home. Rainbow waited all of two seconds before she turned back around, a look of embarrassment on her face. "Ooh, right. Lead the way." She said as she wiped the tears off of her cheek.
(Author's note. For anybody wondering, this isn't the end. There is still going to be at least one more chapter and an epilogue. That will probably happen pretty fast, I've finally started to have spare time again. Anyhoot, as always tell me if I've slipped in quality and I'll work myself back up to your standard. Moving in to the home stretch now, so see you at the finish line.)
Rainbow led Pinkie Pie back to the park she had been 'cooking' in beforehand, the setting sun reflecting the muted moods of the two ponies. Pinkie's initial euphoria had waned as the walk continued, until by the time Rainbow sat down at the park she was only content. Of course just looking at the mare in front of her would set her tummy spinning around, but she couldn't just forget what had just happened. So instead she sort of settled at an optimistic sadness, in need of cheering up but definitely receptive to whatever Rainbow was planning.
Rainbow Dash was the first to speak after they both sat down, doing so with a very cautious optimism in her voice. "So, what's the damage look like?"
"Well, no one was hurt, but my room got toasted. Heh, I gotta remember that for when this is funny. But yeah, everything in my room is burnt and ruined."
"That's terrible." Rainbow said sympathetically.
"If you think that's bad you should see my neighbors. They're going to be living downwind of a balloon fire for the next week, quite the change from a bakery don't you think?" Pinkie put on a small, passing smile for Rainbow Dash. "I guess the one upside of all this is I wont have to deal with that smell."
"Yeah, wait what do you mean by that? Where are you going to live, the outskirts of Ponyville or something?" Rainbow felt a bead of sweat drop down her forehead. She was so close to finally talking to Pinkie seriously, so close to letting it all out.
"I guess you could say that, but I'm pretty sure my Rock farm is in another county. Don't worry though, I can handle it. The rock farm's my home. My rocky, dark home. But tons of fun!" Pinkie added the last part a little too enthusiastically after seeing Rainbow Dash's sinking face.
So this whole day was a waste Rainbow realized. Everything she had done was worthless. The make-over, the public humiliation, the chase from Sweet Apple Acres, everything was for absolutely nothing. Pinkie was going back to the farm no matter what Clyde thought of her, even after the things she done for him. What had Rainbow got out of the deal, a pie? Not the right one sadly.
But it wasn't just today that was wasted, no that would be going too easy on Rainbow. Everyday spent with Pinkie, every day spent thinking about her was going up in flames. All the fun they could have had, the things they could have been together were slowly disappearing. Rainbow could see it all crumble, and that was when she snapped.
Specifically, she snapped back from all the pressure being put on her, clouding her judgement. Gone was the fear of rejection from Pinkie Pie, and gone too was the fear of what Clyde might do. All the worry and doubt that had bent her from her brash ways sprung off of her in an instant of clarity. She was Rainbow Dash, the fastest Flier in Equestria, and no matter what Applejack felt like spouting from her oh-so honest mouth, the loyalest of ponies. And what Rainbow Dash wanted, she got.
"Well, that's too bad because you aren't going anywhere near that Rock farm. Not today. Today, you are coming and you're going to live with me." Rainbow said as if she was announcing how breathtaking her newest trick would be. Just like the buccaneer blitz, Pinkie was just another task she could pull off in her sleep.
"Oh that's really nice Rainbow, but I couldn't-"
"I wont take no for an answer!" Rainbow interjected. " You wouldn't be an imposition in the slightest. It would be like having a party that never ends, in fact I can't see why I don't invite you over more often."
"No, I mean I physically can't Rainbow.I can't walk on clouds." Rainbow's bravado faltered for only a second as she remembered why Pinkie never came over, but returned tenfold.
"Well, then I shall hire Twilight to cast her cloud walking spell, and personally fly you up! I'll even put a trampoline at the bottom for you so you can leave whenever you want." Pinkie gave Rainbow a skeptical look. "Don't act like that trampoline isn't the best idea you've heard all day. And if you're wondering about Twilight, she totally still owes me for reading that book she brought me." Pinkie decided to ignore the fact that it was Rainbow who owed Twilight, but instead tried to wrap her head around the situation. She had dreamed for something like this, something like this but not exactly this. Something or other was missing and she didn't know what.
"C'mon Pinkie, if you aren't going to do it for yourself, than could you do it for me?" Rainbow's voice cracked as she finished her plea. " I know you can work on a rock farm without smiles, but I can't! And if you leave I'm either going to have to go to that farm or stay here. And without you Ponyville will be just like a rock farm, dark and dull. Pinkie, I don't know if I could take it if you just went up and moved back to the farm. I don't know what I'd do without my best friend. I don't know what I'd do without you."
Pinkie was silent for a moment after Rainbow said that. For a second Pinkie could have sworn she saw Rainbow's eyes begin to water. However, Pinkie soon spoke up, very softly. "You were wrong about the trampoline."
"What?"
"That was the best thing I've heard today." Pinkie then leaped onto Rainbow Dash with her usual spunk, giving her the friendliest hug she had in weeks. Rainbow Dash let out a sigh, at least Pinkie was still here, at least they were still friends.
"Now, I realize that this is traditionally done before you ask me to move in with you, but do you mind if I ask you a question." Pinkie asked, serious yet playful on top of Rainbow Dash. This was a position she had been in hundreds of times before, but right now Rainbow felt nervous in ways she had never even thought she could. She did however manage to squeak out a "sure".
Forgetting everything Fluttershy had told her, Pinkie looked at Rainbow right in the eyes. "Do you want to be my special somepony?" She said, her eyes as big and blue as they had ever been.
Rainbow Dash's brain took the news like a balloon that just got hooked up to a leaf blower. Her previous cool streak was broken to pieces as her mouth dropped as she let out an audible "Bu-whuh?" Pinkie however was unaffected.
"I'll take that as a yes." She said as she bent down for a kiss. If Rainbow thought about it, that moment made everything today worth it . Every trial Clyde had put her through, all the looks she had received were nothing in comparison to this moment. Her friend's dad was not on her mind however as she made out with her new marefriend, and she proceeded to think of other things. Happier, pinker things.
It was lucky that Pinkie and Rainbow were just talking when Clyde walked over to find them, Gummy in tow. If he had come a few minutes earlier, lets just say that it would have been a lot less heart warming and a lot more awkward. As he walked over, Pinkie ran over and swallowed him up in one of her usual hugs.
"You planned this from the start didn't you? The pie, the make-over, you were setting me up." Rainbow said as she slowly walked over to Clyde.
"Well, first I had to see if you can take a joke, but yes. Everything we did today had two purposes. It was quite the plan I'd say. Burning down the house was probably the toughest part, but I'd say that went perfectly." For that comment Clyde received a soft kick to the gut from Pinkie. "Heh, this is what I get for being the matchmaker?"
"So let me get this straight, there is no such thing as rock law?" Pinkie had to giggle at this, releasing from her hug to stand beside Dashie.
"Nope." Said Clyde.
"And there was no way you could have brought Pinkie back to your farm?"
"Not unless I made my signature stew and gave her a week's notice."
"Ohh, I am going to get even with you so hard someday when you can't hide behind Pinkie."
"I would love to see the day." Clyde said as he walked forward and shook Rainbow's hoof. " For what it's worth you've definitely earned my approval to date my daughter once she moves back to Ponyville. I hope you can even come up and visit us at the farm."
"Oh Daddy, I can't believe I didn't say this first! I found a place to live in Ponyville! I can stay with all my friends and Dashie! It's like the perfect storybook ending to today!" Pinkie said bursting with excitement.
"Well I'm glad to hear that Pinkie. Where are you planning to stay?"
"With Rainbow of course!" The sun was setting, the day was closing up. What had started off as a day full of potential had morphed into a day of seized opportunities.Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were together and had as much time as they needed to figure out what that meant. As the final lights started to dim, Clyde's persona stood out amongst the content and realized atmosphere.
"I am completely not okay with this." And Rainbow Dash's heart started beating like it had all day with Clyde. However with a warm smile and a comforting laugh from Pinkie Pie she was able to calm down as she was dragged in for a group hug. Clyde didn't change expressions the whole time. However, now it felt different. Not so nearly terrifying as it was a challenge, and Rainbow Dash loved a challenge.
(Author's note! Shipping Tag? Oh right, yeah. It was fun to do that, but as you can see if you've read anything else I've written, I usually tread away from it. Not because I don't like it, but it's not exactly my strong suit as a writer. Anyway, that's the main story. I'm not putting the complete tag down yet though, I still have an epilogue planned. So stay tuned, and I hope you've enjoyed the story so far. One more left!)
It was rare that Twilight had to actually open the door to her house for visitors, being a public library most folks just strolled in. However, some days she would have to welcome very formal visitors, ones who would knock before entering. It was for this reason which a knock on the door always gave Twilight a sense of dread. This was magnified when she actually opened the door, standing face to face with the most intimidating stallion she had ever seen.
She had seen him before, this was Pinkie's dad. Clyde Pie was an enigma to Twilight. Twilight had heard all of her friends laugh about him, or say his name in passing. From these stories Clyde seemed like a fun, honest Stallion. However, she had also seen him several times around town a few months back and he looked terrifying. Rainbow Dash, the bravest pony around, the pony who kicked a dragon in the face, had been cowering around him. She realized now that it would be the perfect time to research this conundrum and felt a little surge of glee.
Clyde's face however was so lacking glee that it sucked hers up like a vacuum. "Are you Miss Sparkle?" Clyde wasn't especially tall, but Twilight felt like he was twenty feet tall, scrunching up and taking a step back.
"Yes, that would be me. Are you looking for Pinkie?" Twilight asked hopefully, trying to deflect him before anything could happen.
"No, I already talked to her. In fact that's the reason I'm here. Apparently you've been spreading some rumors about my daughter." Twilight's eyes couldn't have gotten any wider, and her heart was approaching terminal velocity. Clyde wasn't just grumpy, he was mad. At her! Twilight took another instinctive step back, and to her horror Clyde followed her in.
"What? Pinkie's one of my best friends, I'd never say anything bad about her. I only learned what gossip even was a year ago!" Clyde wasn't disarmed by her friendly demeanor however, he in fact just looked even more mad.
"I know what you said Twilight, do you need me to read it out too you?" Clyde said as he pulled out a scroll he had brought with him. Twilight was surprised, she knew this scroll. She had written it, but there was nothing bad on it, especially towards Pinkie.
"Wait Clyde, erm, Mr. Pie, this must be a big misunderstanding! That's just a poem I wrote for my friends to celebrate my one year anniversary in Ponyville."
"Well that explains the repeating at the top. 'My little pony, my little pony, what is friendship all about?'" Clyde read the first line of Twilight's poem. It wasn't a coincidence that Twilight hadn't written since, her poem wasn't exactly loved. But she had thought that was because it was too simple, not because it was offensive. " Let me skip to the reason why I'm here. 'You all make fun and laughter as easy as Pinkie Pie.'" Do you see why I'm here?"
"No," Twilight stammered "I mean it isn't Shakespeare but I don't think the poem is mean."
"You just called my daughter promiscuous. Since when is her 'easiness' so well known that you can use it as a line in your poem? Is that all you know her for?" It took a second for the gears in Twilight's head to realize what she had said, but then it hit her like a ton of bricks.
"Oh, no no no no no! I meant as easy as Pie! I just threw in Pinkie so she would be included!"
"Are you saying my family is a bunch of promiscuous ponies? I'll have you know that the Pie's are known for their stoic and rigid self discipline. You on the other hand have done nothing but slander!" Clyde said, taking another step towards Twilight, who umped into the wall behind her. "I talked to Princess Celestia about this and we both agreed that there is only one punishment that fits the crime."
Twilight was distraught, nothing made sense to her anymore. She didn't have time for sense though now, because Celestia was mad at her! Too quote a friend, this was the worst possible thing. As she cowered, she somehow managed to let out a "what?", not out of curiosity but out of pure instinct.
"You're going back to magic kindergarten."
"Nooooooo!" Twilight screamed in defeat. She would have most likely curled up into the fetal position if she didn't hear uproarious laughter from outside her window. Looking up to figure out who could be laughing at something so serious, she saw even Clyde now had a smirk on his face. Pinkie was entering the library now, pulling in Rainbow by her tail. Rainbow was still laughing so hard that she couldn't walk straight.
"What's going on? Am I going to magic kindergarten?"
It was now Pinkie's turn to speak. "Hah, no silly! Daddy just helped us teach you a lesson about picking your words carefully."
"That applies to your poetry in more than one way." Clyde added, to which Rainbow just started laughing even more.
"Wait, so all of this is just a joke?" Twilight was just starting to calm down, beginning to realize what had just happened.
Clyde however had turned to leave, motioning for Pinkie and her luggage to follow her. "Yes, this was all just a prank. It's a pleasure to meet you by the way Miss Sparkle, I hope I'll see more of you this week." Twilight was alone in the library again, however now she was completely lost. With a sigh she just mumbled about Pinkie being Pinkie, and tried to go back to where she left off in her book.
"Well, I'd say that we knocked that out of the park!" Pinkie said as she bounced down the street.
"I still can't believe how gullible Twilight is! Does Celestia even have that type of power?" Rainbow said as she tried to keep pace with Pinkie.
"Well, back in my day that was actually the usual punishment for crimes." Clyde chimed in.
"Really? That's hilarious!"
"And you say Twilight is the gullible one." Now it was Pinkie's turn to laugh. She had heard a lot of ponies feared when their parents came to visit them and their other halves, but Pinkie didn't understand where they were coming from at all. The weeks where the three musketeers could get together were the best times for Pinkie. No one was safe in Ponyville from their pranks, and there wasn't better dinner conversation in all of Equestria. Even when Pinkie would have to work at SugarCube Corner, Rainbow and Clyde had finally started to get along well. In fact, better than well.
"So what's the next stop, Pinkie?" Rainbow asked her marefriend. Six months in and their relationship was only growing stronger. Pinkie did eventually move back into Sugarcube corner, but she wasn't alone. Once Rainbow had found a way to secure her cloud bed to the loft, she had moved in immediately. At first she missed the altitude, but that's easy to forget about when you wake up every morning to a fresh batch of cupcakes. However she did remember it a little every time she instead woke up to a face full of alligator. "Mr. Cake?"
"I think that poor man has been through enough recently" Clyde said as he casually strolled along.
"Nope, up next is Applejack! Apparently she said something last time you guys were here?"
"Oh right! Oh I have been waiting so long for this!" Rainbow said as she walked back too Clyde.
"Lets just try and avoid her brother today. I still haven't exactly paid for those apples we took." Clyde said as he took out two hoof rings he had brought especially for today. One for him, and one for Rainbow. "Are you ready darling?"
"Lead the way Clyde" Rainbow said as she put the ring around her hoof.
"Wait for me!" Pinkie cried as she hopped after her. Applejack would never know what hit her.
The End
(Wow, that was a blast to write! It's nice to have a project that was so well received that I enjoyed tow rite and can look back on.
I never expected when I started writing this to get some of the attention it got, and it was a fantastic shot to my ego to see people who I've read follow my story. It was also fantastic that really anybody tracked it, and to anyone who stuck through with it to the end, thank you.
I have a few ideas for my next story, but I'll just say that they both involve Discord and neither of them are comedies. Pinkie and Rainbow are in them too though, so I hope I'll see you all around when I upload them here.
Thanks for reading and I hope you've enjoyed my take on Clyde!)
