A Slight Problem
"There it is, brother," said Flim to his twin, "Appleloosa, and its lovely golden orchards, ripe for the harvest."
The little town didn't look very impressive, but was still the only civilized area for miles around, occupying the small stretch of fertile territory in Equestria's western wastelands. Nestled tightly between two weathered mountains were its apple trees, a sight for sore eyes to the entrepreneur brothers.
"Looks promising enough," agreed Flam, running a comb through his mane, "If we can strike a deal with the locals this time."
Truthfully, the twins were running on a streak of failed attempts to sell their cider; after being kicked out of Ponyville, they had moved on to, and subsequently been ejected from, Hollow Shades, Galloping Gorge, and, most recently, Mareheim, forcing them to pursue business on the very edge of Equestria. There was actually a great deal of tension hanging about them, though they tried to hide it, even from each other. Both of them were very aware that if their profiteering in Appleloosa didn't go as planned, their options would be completely depleted.
"We need to be at the top of our game today," said Flim, straightening his bow tie. They were quickly drawing closer to the town, seated upon their life's work, the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000, which chugged and whistled as it drove along. "This is the last apple orchard of Western Equestria we haven't tried." Silently, he noted that if they failed here, it would mean going back to the drawing board, and wasting years of effort.
Wiping the sweat from his brow, Flam began to rehearse his lines, despite the fact that they were practically second nature to him at this point. "I say, our mode of locomotiooon… mode of locomoootioooon…" Suddenly, he sounded unsure of his well-practiced routine.
"No need to be nervous," assured Flim as much to himself as to his brother. "As long as we play it safe, there's no reason they should turn us down." The twins had agreed on the way that, given the importance of their success here, they would be willing to haggle their usual division of profits with any local cider makers to a maximum of 50-50. They would still be making money that way, and wouldn't have to take the risk of angering the local farmers… or so they hoped.
As they rolled into the town, the citizens were immediately drawn to the strange machine, and by the time they came to a stop in the center of the dirt street, they had attracted a crowd of almost everypony in Appleloosa. The brothers could tell at a glance that these were very rural folk, as they had expected, and looked to be rather poor, as well; the kind of ponies that were likely to offer you two chickens in exchange for a barrel of cider. They didn't expect to make any sort of fortune here, but wanted to at least stock up on cider from their apples, squeeze as much profit from them as possible, then sell whatever was left in another town.
Stepping down from their automobile, Flim and Flam forced themselves to smile broadly at the surrounding Appleloosans. In addition to ponies, several buffalo were present, and Flim briefly wondered what sort of credit they could expect to receive from them.
"Well, look at what we got here, brother o' mine, it's the same in every town," he began melodically, barely needing to think of the words and gestures to the song they had thought up to sell their product, back when they had just begun to do so. "Ponies with thirsty throats, dry tongues, and not a drop of cider to be found."
The ponies in the audience looked as if they were confused by something, and they began to whisper amongst themselves. Stifling his nerves, Flim continued, "Maybe they're not aware that there's really no need for this teary despair." "That the key that they need to solve this sad cider shortage you and I will shaaare!" Flam was painfully aware that his voice had cracked on the last syllable, struggling to clear the doubt from his mind as the gathering of ponies continued mumbling to each other, more loudly at this point.
The crowd appeared to have gone from confused to angry, and the twins' smiles faltered for a moment before they continued to the chorus. Doffing their straw boaters, they began to step in rhythm. "Well you've got oppor-tuni-ty, in this ve-ry co-mmuni-ty…"
There was no doubt about it now, the crowd had grown into a mob, whose members were angrily advancing on the brothers, as they struggled to understand what they had done wrong. They hadn't even been here for five minutes, and so far had behaved as they had in every other town.
Swallowing loudly and struggling to maintain his uneasy smile, Flam pointed to his brother. "H-he's Fli-"
"Flim," came a stern voice from somewhere in the crowd, shattering the twins' façade of confidence. The Appleloosans quieted down as the speaker, a golden-coated stallion in a weathered cowboy hat, worked his way to the front, wearing an expression that made them cringe. "Flim and Flam, ain't that right?"
The duo exchanged a furtive glance. Flim attempted to salvage what was turning into a dire situation, grasping to a small hope that whatever this yokel knew of them was either misguided, or could be appeased.
"I see you've heard of us before," he said, yielding only slightly under the naysayer's glare. "No surprise that our award-winning cider has begun to garner a reputation, even in outlying communities like your lovely little hamlet."
Their challenger clearly wasn't impressed by Flim's attempted flattery, nor were his peers, whose scowls only deepened. "These must be those rascals AJ was telling' us about, Braeburn," growled a mare to standing his left; her coat and mane were almost exactly the same color as his.
"I fig'red as much, Marmalade," quipped the stallion, Braeburn. He boldly advanced on Flim and Flam, who couldn't help withdrawing under his steely eyes, and soon he had their backs pressed against the machine on which they had arrived. Despite them both being significantly taller than he was, they seemed to shrink as he drew nearer, unconsciously clinging to each other.
"Last time I went to an Apple family reunion, I got a chance to share some good stories with my beloved cous'n, Applejack."
The name triggered red lights in the twins' memories; they realized too late that they had chosen entirely the wrong town to stick their muzzles into.
"There was one she told in p'ticular that made me sick to my stomach. Apparently, some sweet-talkin' city boys just up an' rolled right into to Sweet Apple Acres one day durin' cider season and started makin' threats to steal their business."
He was so close to them now that they could practically feel the heat from his intense stare. "She gave us a real good description o' these two trouble makers, an' told us to watch our flanks just in case they went poking' around down here in Appleloosa." He gave the twins a once-over, sending chills up their spines. "You two seem to fit the bill just about perfectly, right down to yer cutie marks."
By this point, the other Appleloosans had stepped up to join Braeburn in a ring of angry ponies that began to close in on the twins, who silently came to the agreement that they had best remove themselves from the premises as soon as possible. Hastily, they scrambled onto their odd transport, and with a burst from their horns, sent it rolling as quickly as it would go. The crowd moved to allow them passage, several of them muttering things like "good riddance" and "yella-bellied scoundrels."
Safely perched on their transport, Flim and Flam's confidence quickly returned. "You're missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime," crooned Flam in a singsong voice. "My brother and I could have turned this backwater mud hole into Equestria's most prosperous producer of cider!"
"It's a shame you Apples have to be so very dull," added Flim. By the time Braeburn voiced his response, they were far enough away that it didn't reach them. "What's that? Sorry, couldn't quite here you over the din of all this ripe opportunity going to waste."
"Ah said," repeated Braeburn, "Maybe you two big shots should focus on where y'all are drivin'!"
By the time his words sunk in and the twins wheeled around to look ahead of their machine, it had already begun to nosedive into the ditch they hadn't been attentive enough to notice. Flim and Flam themselves pitched forward so rapidly that they cleared the ditch completely, landing face-first in the dirt as the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 crumpled behind them. Crawling to the edge of the gap, Flim took in the full extent of the damage, then gave his brother a worried look.
"Well, we've done it, Flam. Not only are we out of options, but now we're out of a reason to need options." Flam watched his brother pace tensely around the small space available in the cramped room. The moon, which shone directly through their window, offered ample light to make out the hopeless expression on Flim's face.
After they had failed spectacularly at repairing their transport, the twins had plead with the locals to allow them just one night to stay, promising to put themselves on the first train out of town. Fortunately for them, the Appleloosans were a fairly benevolent bunch, and Sherriff Silver Star had grudgingly agreed to give them lodging at the Inn, since it was always empty, anyways. Braeburn had even assisted them in hauling the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 out of the ditch, though when they questioned him on it, he simply stated that he didn't want its ugly bulk muddying up his town.
The remains of the machine now lay in front of the Inn; Flam gazed mournfully at it from the window. Not only were the automotive aspects damaged beyond anything feasibly repairable, but the all-important cider producing back end had become a useless, mangled wreck of wood and brass. This went beyond a temporary setback; it had taken Flim and Flam years to design and construct the contraption, not to mention every last bit they had, and it had been rendered completely inert because of one tragic slip.
Neither of them had any clue what their next course of action would be. They had barely any money, perhaps enough to feed themselves for a few more days if they ate sparingly, and nowhere to go. Their cider machine had basically been their home for over a decade, and they had always sought food and shelter wherever they happened to be peddling their product that week.
"Such is the life of a traveling sales pony," Flam mused quietly. He'd known, as his brother had, that they were already in dire straits, but the realization of how much they had to lose hadn't begun to sink in until now, after the fact. Without cider to sell, it wouldn't take long for them to starve to death.
Finally, Flim ceased his pacing and collapsed, defeated, upon the creaky queen-sized bed. Flam came shortly to join him, doffing his dust-covered boater hat which he hung from the bed's post, then removing his vest, and shirt, and draping them, as his brother had, over the headboard. As a means of occupying himself, he levitated the comb from his shirt pocket and set to cleaning the dirt out of his moustache.
"It's been a while since we've been on rock bottom," groaned Flim, not taking his eyes off the wooden plank ceiling. "I'd almost forgotten what it feels like."
It pained Flam to see his brother like this. The last time Flim had been this upset must have been well over fifteen years ago, and Flam could still remember his solemn vow to raise both of them out of the slums they had grown up in, for the sole purpose of never having to see him so dejected again. As of this moment, he had failed.
Flam curled himself up on the bed and proceeded to comb his tail, saying as he did so, "Do you remember when we were younger, Flim?" His brother's tired eyes shifted to lock with his own, but he remained silent. "Remember how, back at the orphanage, you always loved entertaining the other children? Even back then, you could always smooth-talk the adults into letting you get away with just about anything."
Flim returned his brother's smile weakly. "And you were always the quiet one. Took me years to convince you to come out of your shell. Then, when I finally got you to start performing with me, nopony could tell us apart." As colts, before their voices had changed and Flam had begun sporting his trademark moustache, the twins had been almost perfectly identical.
"Wasn't until we got our cutie marks that they stopped calling me by your name," recalled Flam. After a brief pause, he added, "Do you remember how we got our marks, Flim?"
"How could I forget?" was the response, and indeed, Flim still could still picture that eventful day as if it had just passed him by. "We looked everywhere for work in that slimy old city… had to shovel sludge out of the streets night and day just to earn our keep…" What had stuck with him more than anything at the time was the smell, the vomit-inducing odor of that foul place that clinged to your skin, and even though he had to smell it every day, it never got any easier to take.
"One day, I'd just had enough. I wanted to see what it was like in the rich part of town, where everyone got to eat at fancy restaurants and wear new clothes each day. I grabbed you by the arm and we just ran clear across the city, as fast as we could. The adults tried to stop us, remember? But we didn't listen to 'em. Just kept right on goin' until we found ourselves in the high-class district. And I'll never forget what we saw there."
Flam listened quietly to the familiar story, remembering along with his brother the events that had shaped their lives forever.
"There was an amazing sales pony standing right in the middle of the street, with a cart full of his fancy tonics and cure-alls. Everypony was crowded around him, cheering him on as he did his mesmerizing performance. They were showering him with bits, and it wasn't just the products, but the showmanship, so gripping to watch… I knew, right then at that moment, that we could be just like him, and never have to settle for living in squalor again. The very next day, we snuck a barrel of cider out of the cellar and carried it all the way back to that place."
Flam chuckled at the memory of their first ever cider transaction. His brother had begun spouting some lines he had thought of on the spot, waving around a mug of what he had called 'The Flim-Flam Brothers Amazing, Terrific, Stupendelicious Apple Cider.' Before long, Flam himself had become so impressed by the display that he joined in, and, to his own surprise, soon became perfectly in-sync with Flim, which made the crowd go wild. They had gotten their first taste of the successful life that day, unanimously deciding that they would spend the rest of their lives in pursuit of this craft. Later that very day, they had been surprised to find themselves graced with what had almost seemed like a divine message, emblazoned across their flanks for the world to see, the nature of which made it clear not only that they had found their destiny, but that they had discovered and would live it out together, as they had always known they would. At that exact moment, they had ceased to be the orphans Flim and Flam, and instead became the World Famous Flim-Flam Brothers, Traveling Salesponies Nonpareil.
They'd even found considerable success in the beginning. Their hoof-squeezed cider made them popular amongst the wealthy inhabitants of Manehattan during their late teenage years, and they had eventually found themselves with enough extra money to lead an ambitious endeavor to indusrialize, from which they had ultimately emerged successful. Finally, they could actually become traveling sales ponies. And travel they did, all over Equestria, seeing the most beautiful sights, and meeting the most intriguing ponies, all the while delighting their customers with their delicious apple cider.
The more they were able to taste their newfound success, however, the more they began to crave it. Eventually, this desire gave birth to greed; by the time the brothers had arrived in Ponyville, their lust for triumph had pushed them to overturn any opposition they came across. They had severely underestimated the Apple Family, and after being humiliatingly shown up by Ponyville's local cider makers, their increasingly profitable business had begun a spiraling plummet that ultimately resulted in their current situation. Unfortunately for the twins, they hadn't known that over sixty percent of the orchards in Equestria were owned by members of the Apples' extended family, and that causing problems for one would inevitably result in being abhorred by the others.
Cider sales had come to a screeching halt as Flim and Flam were unable to find an orchard willing to give them access to their apples, and as a result, they found themselves nearly destitute in a matter of weeks. Their dream had begun to deflate around them, and they had scrambled madly to preserve their sense of success, horrified of being plunged back into a world where they were forced to live in hardship and squalor.
Now, that nightmare was forcing itself into a reality. Unless they could figure out a way to secure a flow of income, they would find themselves no better off than they had been as children.
"I won't let this be the end of us, brother," said Flam, mustering up what confidence he had left. "We may have to settle for taking odd jobs for a while, but eventually we'll come up with a way to get back out into the world." He placed a reassuring hoof on Flim's shoulder. "Nopony can keep the Flim-Flam Brothers down for long!"
Flim couldn't even feign the conviction his brother was displaying, but he at least agreed with the notion that they couldn't simply sit back and allow themselves to be defeated.
"We dug ourselves into this rut, Flam. Now it looks like we'll just have to haul ourselves right back out of it."
The twins thought that by rising at first light the next morning, they would be able to avoid the scrutiny of most of the Appleloosans, and were alarmed to find that the locals themselves were clearly every bit the early-risers. They found themselves under the spiteful gaze of even more ponies than had confronted them yesterday while they crept as inconspicuously as they could to the train station.
After having given the scrap heap that had once been the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 a careful appraisal, they had come to the unfortunate conclusion that it was a lost cause, and abandoned any notion to taking even pieces of it with them.
"Take care that y'all never show yer mugs 'round here again as long as I live," threatened Braeburn, who was flanked by a rather intimidating pair of buffalo, as he saw the brothers off. He wasn't usually so rude to those that blew into town, but was a firm believer in defending family at all costs, and if these two had been causing trouble for Applejack, he wouldn't allow them anywhere near Appleloosa.
Flim carefully avoided eye contact with the large buffalo that was practically breathing down his neck. "We… will indeed do so," he offered weakly as a response.
They were thrilled to see the train approaching the station, all too eager to leave this place where they were despised so thoroughly. As they boarded, Braeburn reinforced his earlier statement by staring daggers at them until they were out of sight.
It wasn't until they had begun their departure that the twins were able to relax a bit, the threat of immediate physical harm having been liften from their shoulders. They were the only passengers on their car, as nopony else had been departing from little Appleloosa that day. Flim took the opportunity to call for the conductor and question him as to their destination, which had been a mystery so far; they had simply been forced onto the first train that appeared at the station.
"This here's mostly just a cargo train," replied the conductor. "We take supplies to and from Appleloosa, don't get much in the way of passengers 'cept for the occasional delegate or prospector. Anyways, this train's on her way to Ponyville, one of the loveliest little towns y'all could ever lay eyes on. Ever been there?"
"Ponyville!?" exclaimed Flim and Flam simultaneously, suddenly wishing they'd stayed behind and taken their chances with the buffalo.