What if MLP went in a different direction and added a human in to the cast? and let's say he is apart of our own reality and stumbled in to the wrong universe but found a way to travel inbetween both... well this is that story.
What if MLP went in a different direction and added a human in to the cast? and let's say he is apart of our own reality and stumbled in to the wrong universe but found a way to travel in between both... well this is that story.
All intellectual property is owned by Hasbro and affiliates, and this story is written off of these Ideas and as such I will appropriate no monetary gain.
You know what I never would have guested happening to me? Well scratch that, there are really many things that I would never guess happening to me so I’ll go with the top three. One, winning the lottery, two, becoming a superhero (for one thing where would I find a radioactive spider, ungodly amounts of cash, magic bracelets, etc.) and three being thrown in to another world via my extremely old television of 31 years (that’s about 110 in human years, no for real… look it up).
Now I bet you’re wondering why my third “never gonna happen” would be so well defined, well there is a reason for that and it all started on a cold stormy night. I was sitting in my room of my mother’s house (before you ask I am 23 and live with my mother, not very pretty but there it is) and it was about two in the morning. I was channel surfing until I landed on the Hub, being an eternal child at heart I enjoyed watching cartoons of a stunning variety and I thought I would find out what was on, It was a commercial for a new cartoon about to air the next day, My Little Pony to be precise. Now I had seen several generations of MLP come and go, each generation considerably worse than the last with only the first incarnation being only slightly bearable (I would usually switch over to Popeye or some good old Loony Toons to rid my mouth of such a bad flavor).
As I watched the commercial I was very close to switching to something else and just ignoring the existence of the terrible cartoon line when suddenly a lightning bolt struck the telephone pole right outside my house, causing the power to cut out for a few seconds, before everything came back on. What I saw next was interesting to say the least; the channel flickered with an eerie multihued light and the screen itself looked as if it was made of water. I crept close to the screen as the lights danced, as if it really was coming from water and I was about to touch the screen when a program started playing in perfect clarity as a very crisp song blared to life. I flew to the back of my room, my heart threatening to burst right out of my chest until I saw what was playing… it was the intro song to the new MLP cartoon, I sat stunned for a few seconds before bursting in to a fit of giggles. I nearly voided my bowls because of a little girls cartoon; needless to say I continued to laugh for a good few seconds before finally sitting back down and preparing to change the channel a second time.
However when I tried to flip channels nothing happened except for the screen rippling like a pool, I sat dumbfounded wondering what the hell was going on. As I continued to watch I noticed more oddities, for instance the fact that the show wasn’t supposed to be playing at that time but several hours later. More perplexing still was at certain points when the intros for commercials would appear nothing would happen and the show would continue on by filling the spots with whatever the antagonist would do to continue the plot, which mainly consisted of walking or boring dialog. At this point I was wondering if I had passed out and was now dreaming, but when I pinched myself I felt the pain and didn’t wake up. My next line of thought was to guess I was in a very realistic hallucination and just to go with it until it ended. As I watched the show I smiled at how well made the cartoon really was and figured that this really had to be hallucination for how else could it be of this high quality.
Now I thought my night couldn’t get any weirder but as I was well in to the second episode I was proven wrong. It was right after pinkie pies song and dance that I decided to open my mouth and comment on just how I felt about the whole thing.
“Oh yeah, giggle at the ghosties indeed, because that will scare off all the magic, evil, trees, just brilliant.” And to my surprise Pinkie turned towards the screen and answered me.
“What are you trying to say Mister funny faced monkey thing, I really like my song and it always worked against all the ghosties before, just like my grannie said. Who are you anyway… and why are you in that funny looking wall I have been seeing all day? Oh are you some sort of alien? I bet you are, that’s super-duper awesome, oh I know, we should be friends, my name is Pinkie Pie what is your name?”
After pulling my jaw off the ground I decided I might as well enjoy this experience, after all how often do you get to talk to a figment of one’s own imagination, so I responded
“Well Pinkie my name is James and I am a human, I have been watching you and your friends all night, what’s more I think I know how everything is going to turn out. Mainly I think all of you are the elements that Twilight was talking about and you’re going to defeat this Nightmare Moon. As far as plots go it’s pretty average, but don’t tell anyone because it’s a secret.”
Pinkie looked confused and asked
“Well I’ll keep it a secret then but what is this about my plot? Are you saying it looks average? That’s not very nice James, and I’ll have you know I work out all the time so it’s very toned.”
I tilted my head to the side in confusion before I finally figured out she was talking about her butt, at which point I burst in to laughter. After this Pinkie looked rather angry so I decided I would have a little fun with the ditsy but hilarious mare.
“Oh no Pinkie, I think quite the opposite, I very much so like that wagon that you’re dragging, that is some grade A plot you have going on there. I really enjoy when you sway your hips as you walk, it’s quite sexy… Rawr.”
I followed this by swiping my hand out as if it was a claw and winked at her at the same time. The reaction that I got was a little surprising for she had a bright blush on her face and a sexy little smile. She responded in a seductive tone
“Oh yeah big boy, you like what you see?” after which she turned around and shook her rear end at me, but the strange thing was that I could see her umm how should say this… naughty bits. She had flicked her tail out of the way and I could see everything, this shocked me as I didn’t even think they had genitals not to mention it also resembled more of a woman’s than a horse’s, but I’m getting off topic. I figured that since it was my own mind making this up it wasn’t going to play out like a regular cartoon so I continued to enjoy the absurdity of it all, although I was a little disturbed that my subconscious would think up such naughty thoughts about these innocent ponies.
Before I could say anything else Twilight walked up and said
“Pinkie Pie, what are you doing over here? We need to keep moving before anything else bad happens.”
Pinkie just nodded and responded
“Ok Twilight, I was just talking to my new friend James, he likes how my plot looks, don’t you James?” I just gave a cheesy grin with a 'thumbs up' which Pinkie grinned back at. Twilight however just looked in my direction with a blank stare and said
“Umm right… anyway you and your imaginary friend should hurry up because we need to go now.”
I grimaced while saying
“Hey, I’m not imaginary, if anything you’re the imaginary one with your funny purple hair, unicorn horn, and tramp stamp among other things.” But she just kept trotting away and I sat there for a few more seconds before it dawned on me.
“Pinkie I think you are the only one who can see and hear me… that’s quite odd. Well none the less you better follow along and don’t worry I’m pretty sure I will be right behind.” she responded to this with an “okie dokie” before turning and trotting away as well, luckily I was right and the screen followed.
A few minutes later Pinkie and friends came across what I can only describe as an incredible gay, crying, sea serpent, which Rarity dealt with in swift order and I decided to comment on it afterwards.
“Hey Pinkie what did you think of that guy, seemed like the 'happy sort' wouldn’t you agree?” I said with air quotes. Pinkie looked back at me with a confused look and whispered
“I don’t know he seemed pretty sad to me, well until Rarity helped him that is.” I shook my head vigorously and responded
“no, no, no, what I mean is he is a little queer, if you catch my drift.” Pinkie continued to look confused and replied a little louder
“He didn’t seem that bad… maybe a little upset but I don’t think he is that odd or dangerous.”
“No Pinkie, what I’m trying to say is that I think he is gay!” Pinkie just blinked and responded even louder than before
“We already went over this didn’t we? He really seemed quite sad but then Rarity helped him and then he was happy. Oh is that what you meant?” I face palmed with a loud slap and said
“No, well yes I guess gay does mean happy but it is also slang for homosexual.”
Pinkie was completely baffled by now and pondered out loud “Home-sex-you-will-whats-it?” Both my hands slapped in to my face before I groaned and yelled
“It means he likes to have sex with other males, you know butt sex, get it?” A light switched on above Pinkie’s head in cartoonish fashion and she grinned widely before yelling back “Oh he is a colt cuddlier!”
By now Pinkies yelling had drawn everyone’s attention and there were looks of shock to udder horror plastered on all the ponies’ faces before Rarity sputtered out
“Yes dear, I think we all figured that out but it is very rude to just yell that out loud, especially when you could hurt his feeling if he heard you. Maybe next time you should keep your thoughts to yourself.”
Pinkie was blushing like mad before she said
“It’s not my fault, James kept dancing around the issue and only just now did I figure out what he meant.” This brought on a round of rather confused looks and Applejack asked “umm who is James?” Before Pinkie could respond, Twilight spoke up.
“He is Pinkies imaginary friend, it is a little immature if you ask me but I guess that is normal for Pinkie.” The rest nodded slowly then turned around and started walking again but Pinkie hung her head in a depressed manner and it looked as if she was going to cry. I immediately felt terrible for getting Pinkie in trouble. I mean this pony was the most adorable thing I had ever interacted with and it hurt my soul so see this creature in any sort of pain, even if they all were just a part of my imagination, so I decided to apologize.
“I’m really sorry Pinkie, It’s my fault that your friends scolded you, please don’t be angry at them or be sad, I will find a way to make it up to you… I swear.” Pinkie frowned at the floor for a few more seconds before gaining a small smile and saying
“Alright but it better be pretty good because that was really embarrassing.” I nodded and the group continued on. I watched as Dash dealt with some group called the shadow bolts but I wasn’t really paying much attention as I was trying to come up with some way to apologies to Pinkie. A few minutes later Dash overcame the challenge and the group entered the castle but I still had no idea what to do, I couldn’t do something physical for Pinkie because I was stuck behind the screen and I felt that talk was just that, talk, not really enough. I focused on the screen and I started to wonder if I could enter in to the cartoonish world, I mean if Alice could do why couldn’t I, it wasn’t as if I was bound to any rules of reality at the moment anyway. Just then I noticed that Twilight had confronted Nightmare Moon on her own and each of her friends had gained there elements as the shattered stones floated around them, so I figured it was a good a time as any to try out my crazy scheme. Slowly I reached out my hand towards the screen until I made contact…….. … … … … … and nothing.
Or so I thought, because just then the screen started to glow with a bright light my hand started to get pulled in.
View Point: Twilight Sparkle
Nightmare Moon interrupted me in the middle of my speech and told me that I was still missing the last element as her ethereal mane swirled above her head in a chaotic maelstrom, when something rather peculiar happened. In the center of her mane which I would call the eye of the storm, a massive bright light started to form. At first it just seemed to be some deadly spell that Nightmare was casting but then the most odd looking appendage popped out of the bright portal. It appeared to be a claw like Spikes, but with skin, not scales and it lacked the long dangerous claws themselves to distinguish said claw, however I had seen something more similar that I couldn’t seem to place. Then it hit me, it was a hand, most common with humanoid creatures like Minotaur and Satyr, along with many others. As more and more of the oddity exited out of the portal though it became apparent that whatever this thing was, it wasn’t something I had ever seen before; in fact the only thing I could think of to match it was of the most ancient of legends, a Human. Just as I was about to take a closer look several things happened at once. The human dropped from the portal and smashed in to the ground scaring the daylights out of Nightmare and all of my new friends gasped in shock. With this Pinkie looked over to the incapacitated human and yelled
“James, you came to see me, that’s so nice but you might want to get away from Nightmare Moon, she is a real meanie pants.”
I was baffled at Pinkies statement and was about to ask what she was babbling about when the human groaned loudly, glanced at Pinkie with an excited look and ran over, hugging Pinkie in a very warm embrace. I was near my wits end and then he spoke
“I’m so sorry Pinkie, I hope this makes up for embarrassing you and umm… hey what’s everybody looking at?”
I responded with the very witty remark of “WAIT WHAT?!”
View Point: James
The look on Twilight's face was hilarious, ‘that will teach you who is imaginary you funny purple unicorn, you’ I thought. Everyone’s face was a look of shock and varying degrees of fear, well except for Pinkie who was giggling in my arms as I snuggled her to my chest but on another note this pony is incredible soft and warm, kind of like hugging a big puppy except three times better. Anyway, as I was hugging, Twilight broke out of her shock and screamed at Pinkie
“Get away from that human, it must be another trick by Nightmare, well we aren’t going to fall for it, Applejack would you please kick the human back over?” Pinkie jumped out of my arms and tried to block Applejack while telling her to stop but she was pushed out of the way before Applejack reared back on her hooves preparing to strike. I opened my mouth to say something but what came out was a loud “OOMMFFF” noise as I was kicked in the stomach, sending me flying over to Nightmare.
With that Twilight finished her speech
“Well as I was saying you were wrong Nightmare, I’m the last element, the element of Magic.” With that a tiara appeared on Twilight's head and all the ponies floated in to a strange formation. Pinkie looked on with fear but there wasn’t anything she could do because the Magic had already begun and a bright rainbow shot forth encompassing Nightmare and I. Nightmare was screaming “no” in terror but I decided to be a little more articulate with my fear and screamed out
“Oh God I’m burning, it hurts so much, why me, I nev… wait, actually I feel fine. No, better than fine really, this feels freaking amazing, in fact this is the best I have felt in well… forever, yes I have never felt this good in my entire life.”
The ponies once again looked on in shock as they watched me fall out of the deadly rainbow unfazed. I looked down at my body and found that everything was perfectly in order, if not a little too bright and colorful, plus my stomach didn’t hurt from being kicked which was a plus. I then noticed that I still had my T.V. remote in my hand but I lost interest as soon as I noticed my hands for there was something horrible wrong with them. They were under defined and they had a border like a cartoon drawing, in fact they were just like a cartoon drawing, just in 3D.
“Well I’ll be dipped in chocolate and called a Sunday, I’m a cartoon, I mean how am I even perceiving this, it shouldn’t be making any sense in my brain and yet it…” I lost track of my statement for I heard a pitiful whimpering coming from my feet. Another adorable pony was lying at my feet and could only assume it was what was left of Nightmare Moon. Being the sucker for cute and adorable things that I was, I immediately felt sad for the pitiful creature at my feet and scooped her in to a big hug.
“Awww, it’s okay, nobody is going to hurt you, you too cute for words, ball of fluff.” I was interrupted by a hug-tackled from my side as Pinkie joined in on the hug as well, all the while spouting off how glad to see I wasn’t hurt and also how we would become the, and I quote “Bestest of best friends forever and ever”. This interruption was interrupted by another interruption as a commanding voice stated with pure malice
“What are you doing to my sister you foul beast.” Because I’m a smart ass and it was a good opening for it, I immediately answered without looking at my accuser
“What? Everybody loves hugs or are hugs not allowed in this world?” With this I looked in the direction of the voice and regretted not looking first before making my comment. A pony several times larger than the rest of said ponies stepped in front of me, towering over me by at least a head. She had a pure white coat and flowing ethereal mane and tail that seemed to be made of a rainbow, not overlooking the massive wings and terribly pointy looking horn. Completing the look were four golden hoof shoes (not horseshoes because they looked nothing like them) and a crown on her head, plus the downright wilting look upon her face. By now I figured out this must be Celestia and I immediately tried to fix my mistake by adding on
“If that is okay with you, you’re umm majesty.”
Celestia looked slightly taken aback by my ability to talk but quickly resumed her angry attitude while saying
“It is allowed but touching a princess without consent is considered a crime punishable by time in the stockades so I would be very careful if I were you. Now what are you and why are you here?”
“Right then, my name is James and I’m a human, as to why I am here, umm well I do believe I am hallucinating, not sure how or why but as such you are all a part of my strange little trip and I am just waiting for it to end.” Celestia looked at me like I had gone mad and said
“I can assure you this is all very real, wait did you say you are a human? We haven’t had one of those since the rainbow bridge closed five thousand years ago and that was only looked upon as legend… but enough of that I need to speak with my sister so please set her down.” I complied and set the formerly silent pony down, at which point Celestia talked with her sister whose real name was Luna, go figure. I drifted in and out of the conversation being had as my thoughts played through my mind.
‘Now that I think about it this has been going on for an awful long time, could it be that is something other than an illusion? I feel like I am in complete control of all my senses and there was nothing to cause a hallucination, no drugs, and no medical conditions or sleep fatigue but then that would mean tha…’ I lost my train of thought just then as the two sisters hugged and resolved their differences which lead to me loudly saying “AWWWWW”.
I soon remembered the pink pony clamped on to my side as I was doused in a waterfall of happy tears, it was really disgusting but only lasted a few seconds before she stopped then jumped out of the side hug on to the ground and stated out loud
“Hey, do you know what this calls for? A PARTY!” and suddenly without any warning everyone was back in the little town of Ponyville and I freaked the fuck out.
Looking around I wondered how we could have all gotten here without moving one step or some crafty unicorn magic but then I laughed while thinking ‘oh of course it’s a hallucination’. All the little ponies continued on as if we hadn’t of just appeared out of thin air and proceeded to party, although they did seem to give me a very wide birth. The Princess and Twilight then started talking about how Twilight didn’t want to leave her friends and the Princess decreed she would stay in Ponyville, I proceeded to scoffed at the lameness of it all.
This all happened in quick concession and then Pinkie and I seemed to appear in front of Ponyville out of thin air again, at which point Pinkie started to speak away in front of me at what seemed to be empty space, saying
“Isn’t this exciting, are you excited? Because I’m excited, I’ve never been so excited, well except for the time I went HUUUU but I mean really…” I stopped her and said
“Umm Pinkie who are you talking to?” she simply answered
“Why more funny humans silly, duh.” I was a little freaked out before I noticed a glow coming from my hand, which was in fact my remote control, but more specifically the return button. Being curious I proceeded to press the button and things started to warp and fray while Pinkie seemed to drift away. The last thing I heard before I lost conciseness was Pinkie saying
“Bye James it was fun and don’t be afraid to come back at any time.”
I awoke to someone speaking in the background and opened my eyes to find I was back in my bed. I sighed and said out loud
“oh thank goodness, I guess it was a dream after all, just a very vivid dream brought on by the cartoon playing in the background. That is the last time I leave the T.V. on before goin…” I was stopped cold when I heard a certain pink pony utter the same silly monolog about how excited she was and I ever so slowly tilted my head towards the ancient television across the room. What I saw was so disturbing that I thought I was going to jump out the window right next to my bed, for on the screen was Pinky and a very familiar human. When I heard my voice come out the speakers my eyes nearly bulged out of my skull and I refocused just as Pinky said “don’t be afraid to come back at any time.”
I sat for several minutes trying to digest what I had just seen when finally I said
“Son of a bitch, now I need to change my pants.”
View point: Lauren Faust
“What have I done? Why, oh why did I put a twenty something man in a little girls cartoon, I don’t even remember thinking up his character and yet there he is, right on the screen. God only knows what possessed me to do this and why didn’t the producers stop me or tell me it was a terrible idea. It’s like it wasn’t even my idea, but I’m the one who made it official… oh well nothing I can do about it now. I just hope the show gets enough ratings to stay on the air.” Suddenly Craig walked in to the room with an excited grin and said
“Lauren you’re not going to believe it, I just got a call for the show and they said that the viewing results are above average. I know it is still too soon to tell but you may just have a hit on your hands.” I looked up in shock and said
After taking a shower and changing in to a clean set of pants; I was still reeling over the bombshell I was just hit with. Not truly being able to accept the fact that I really seemed to have become a cartoon character, I mean this was so far above my head that I was drowning in it. After half an hour of "oh crap, oh crap, oh crap's" I slowly started to believe what I had seen, but this left me in the dangerous gray area of unknown's and I was going to have to remedy the situation right away.
My first course of action was to find out specifics about the show and why, oh why I was in it, so I went to work finding info on the internet. Two hours later I have a good understanding of who created the show and a general knowledge of the whole previous generations, as well as a huge gaping hole as to why I magicked my way in to what I could only guess to be an Alternate Universe. On a side note, I found out I had a predecessor in the original first series, but that didn't really get me anywhere since when I looked up her name and location in hopes of having someone to coach me through this, I got jack-squat. I heavily assumed she was a real person considering her situation was eerily similar to my own, but my best guess was she must have changed her name to protect her identity in case someone like me got a little to nosy. This lead to my own anonymity and I was forced to think back on to how much info I had given on my self, which was very little it turned out, really just my first name and I sighed in relief until I started to ponder other aspects of what my situation had brought about.
"What if I was forced to continued going back, I mean I'm apart of the original story and I have no idea what influence my world had over the other... but maybe this isn't all that bad as I make it out to be, I mean I'm not a very social person to the point of being a hermit and I am only going to collage part time and the other half is my crappy job so no one would make the connection to the show more than likely, due to the face that I barely stand out. Oh man this all way to complicated, why couldn't this have happened to somebody else..." But my ranting was cut short as I heard a familiar voice call out.
"James sweetie is that you? You really need to break the habit of talking to yourself, people will start thinking you are crazy and what are you doing up at this time anyway, usually when I come in here to wake you up you are dead asleep." I grinned sheepishly and said
"Well, were all a little crazy mom, it just depends on how much, I like to think I am just crazy enough to be fun, but not enough to be too scary. As for being up well... I just had a terrifying nightmare that seems to be becoming more real the longer I'm awake but I will deal with it as I go along." She looked at me with a quirked eyebrow and simply said
"Alright then" from the now open door.
Meanwhile at the Hall of Justice... I mean Ponyville
Viewpoint: Twilight Sparkle
"I am so happy that the Princess allowed me to stay in Ponyville and now I even have a creature of legend to study and get to know... how exciting. Speaking of which were is that human?" As soon as I uttered this statement a very pink and hyper pony pulled in to my line of sight amongst the town wide party. I decided to ask Pinkie if she knew where James was, considering she seemed to know him better then the rest of us and slowly I pushed through the crowed trying to get her attention. When reached, Pinkie decided to greet me with a hug and a stream of bubbly gibberish,
"Hi Twilight, are you enjoying the party? Of course I don't see why you wouldn't, I mean who doesn't like parties? Oh maybe some sort of big meenie-beenie troll who frowns for a living, although I'm not sure how you would make a living from frowning, it doesn't seem to me that anypony would pay for a professional frowner, but then again I would have never of thought Ponies would buy rocks but they did back on the family farm. Did you know that rock farms sell only the rockiest rocks and..." It was at this point that I cut Pinkie off my the good of my own sanity and screamed
"Pinkie! That is all very, umm... interesting, but do you know where James went? I have a few questions I wanted to ask him, and maybe a few tests to do on him, and a book to write on his previously thought extinct species." To which she answered
"Oh he went home, back to his own world"
"What!? but that doesn't... how can he have... I don't even... THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!" Pinkie just giggled and responded
"Sure it does silly, he is an alien and lives on another planet, but don't worry he will be back in three days, just in time for his party... oh yeah, you are invited to his party by the way Twilight."
I just sat there with my mouth open as I tried to process what Pinkie had just told me, all the while Pinkie just sat and smiled like what she said made any real logic.
“Pinkie, how would you know that he will be back in a few days?”
“Oh, I can’t tell you that yet Twilight, that would be a huge spoiler to the story line and we can’t have that now can we?”
“What story?! What are you even talking about?!”
“........... I have no idea.” I growled in frustration before letting out a heavy sigh, accepting that Pinkie was just a mystery that I would have to solve for another time.
Just then Princess Celestia walked over with her sister and started talking to both Pinkie and I
“Ah, here you are Twilight and you too Pinkie, I was wondering if you knew where the human went, I have very important things to discuss with him.”
Pinkie opened her mouth before I could answer and she spewed out her special brand of crazy
“Oh, pick me; I know the answer, me, me, me, oh, oh, oh.” Waving her hoof in the air like she was a foal, Pinkie smiled widely when Celestia nodded at her to continue.
“Well you see, he went back to his world after using his cool, clicky, button thingy and now he is back home, but don’t worry he will be back in three days just in time for the party I will throw for him, so you can talk to him then.”
“Oh okay, that makes sense, well I’ll come back then, along with my sister, anyway goodbye my little ponies.”
"I don't even... why would you... just... just... I,I,I,I... uhhh" Does not compute, system failure imitate… restart system y/n? Yes.
Viewpoint: Pinkie Pie
“Sorry about that, but I guess that is all that Twilight could take, because she just sort of stopped working for a few minutes and then when I asked her what happened she just refused to talk about it. Anyway, transitions are fun funny with a big bunny, don’t you think?”
Three days later Viewpoint: James
It has been a few days and can't stop thinking about 'My Little Pony' and how it seems to be calling to me like a seductive siren. It isn't helping that I have always secretly longed to live in a cartoon, travel to another world, and hang out with aliens; so being handed all these things on a silver plate was tantalizing to say the least. Once the initial shock subsided it took everything I had not to just try and get back but what stayed my hand was the fact that my first ten minutes their I was in tremendous danger.
So here I am on my couch with remote control in hand staring at my T.V. like it holds all the answers to the universe in it's dark void.
"Well, no point in sitting around and thinking about it, let's do this shit!"
As you can see I was never was very good at waiting, so forgoing the danger of returning I picked up my remote turned on the T.V. and touched the screen. Annnndddd nothing happened, I tried several more times but it was always the same results.
"What the hell it worked before... maybe I need to use the remote now, like I did when I returned."
Turns out that is exactly what I had to do, for when I pressed the enter button It felt like I was sucked right in, but I guess it was a good thing that touching the screen no longer pulled you in, now I didn't have to worry if someone accidentally found there way in, like I did, anyway long story short I fainted.
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Several minutes later I awoke in the middle of Ponyville face down in the dirt. As I got to my feet I noticed the distinct lack of something, that something being sound and it was quite as a graveyard.
"Well this is just spooky as hell... hello! is anybody there? Anyone at all?" The lack of an answer was very disconcerting and as I started to make my way through town it just got worse. I noticed that all the doors and windows were locked and covered but I did see movement from the corner of my eye, as if something was stocking me as I moved. The longer I moved the more spooked I become and soon enough my mind started to guess as to what was going on, thoughts of the worst situation I could think of popped in to my head, a Zombie outbreak. I know how silly that sounds so just go ahead and laugh, but I have always had a fear of zombies. I know how unlikely it seems but I knew next to nothing of this world, except for the fact that it was plagued by monsters, based off of the previous show. Quickening my pace I made my way towards a looming building that I knew from the first episode I watched, Sugar Cube Corner,
"You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy" I snickered to myself, "I'm such a nerd."
The door to the establishment was wide open which I found very odd considering the rest of the town was boarded up tight, so I very cautiously made my way in. I noticed right away how dark the inside was even with the doors wide open and was wondering at that moment if it was such a great idea to just wander in to the building like a complete moron when I heard snickering. Now this did nothing to calm me, instead it made my heartbeat skyrocket and I was just about to make a sprint for the door when the lights snapped on. I saw many ponies surrounding me as I whipped my head from side to side, blurred faces all around with no escape, I heard some sort of loud yelling coming from the group but I was so full of adrenalin at the time that all I could really hear was my own pounding heart beat, and then I saw a knife. It was sticking out of a large cake just a few feet away from me so I flew at it bounding over a few heads and took out the cake in the process. Pulling myself off the ground I found the Knife in my grip as I yelled out
"Get back you zombie scum!" and that was when I finally took in my surroundings, a very surprised group of very alive ponies greeted me.
"Ha ha, oh, well, I guess you aren't zombies after all." real smooth James, real smooth. anyway, after the small group of ponies got over the shock of watching me tackle the cake and then threaten them with a knife while covered in said cake, a small sound started to build up. Small laughs started out nervously and force but soon became much more natural, followed by an all out thunder of side splitting laughter, much to my own embarrassment. I noticed that the group consisted of all the ponies I had met the first day I got here, and as the laughter died down, Pinkie Pie tackle hugged me.
"I guess it goes without saying that you were surprised, so welcome to your 'welcome to Equestria' party James. Mmm, you smell good like cake... I wonder if you taste like cake as well." So said, Pinkie decided to lick the cake off of me and holy cow does Pinkie have one amazing tongue, for once she started it was only a few seconds before she managed to lick the whole cake off of my as if I had never taken a face first dive in to it.
"That makes no sense compared to my understanding of reality, so thank goodness for cartoon like alien worlds that defy realities boundaries. So Pinkie, it's good to see you again... wait how did you set up a party for me when I didn't even know when I would be coming back?" Pinkie smirked at me and responded
"How come every Pony keeps asking me that, I can't tell anyone yet because it would be a big spoiler, but trust me it is a doozy."
"Hmm okay, makes as much sense as anything else I have encountered here, so are you going to reintroduce me to your friends?" Pinkies smile grew much larger and she started to bounce around me as she listed off all the mare's in the room as well as one dragon.
"This is Twilight Sparkle, she is super smart and the personal student of Celestia" Twilight smiled and said
"It is very nice to meet you, perhaps we can sit down later and you can tell me about your world and how you got here." Then Pinkie continued
"We have Applejack, the local apple farmer, who is the most honest and hardworking pony you will ever meet" AJ tipped her hat at me,
"Rainbow Dash, the self proclaimed fastest flyer in Equestria" to this she looked a little ticked off and responded
"Not only the self proclaimed, I really am the fastest and don't you forget it." I laughed and said
"And you are ever so modest as well I see." This earned me a glare, but I shrugged it off as Pinkie went on
"Rarity the most super fashionable pony to ever make clothing and the most generous." Rarity smirked at this
"Then we have Spike the dragon, he is sweet, adorable and Twilight's number one assistant" Spike blanched and said
"Hey! I'm not sweet and adorable, I'm cool and amazing" Pinkie giggled at this and said
"Sure, sure Spike, whatever you say... anyway then we have the Princesses, Celestia and Luna, rulers of all of Equestria. Celestia is super duper nice and has ruled for thousands of years with compassion and love for all pony kind. I don't know Luna as well but If she is anything like her sister then I'm sure she is wonderful as well." This brought blushes to both princesses faces and I started to realizes just how adorable all these creature's really were, when even the rulers of the land were just as cute as can be. Pinkie finished off by saying
"Then I guess that leaves me, I love to make other ponies smile and laugh, also I work here and bake goodies for all of Ponyville." Just as this was said a certain fern in the corner started to shake and shiver and Pinkie said
"Oh, silly me how could I forget, behind the potted plant is Fluttershy, the local caretaker for any and all animals, she is kindness embodied and also very shy as her name implies." Fluttershy popped her head out of the plant with a surprised but bashful look and I think my heart melted for she was the queen of cute and adorable creatures in the land of cuteness, a paragon of her kind. Did I mention that I'm a sucker for cute things? yes, well I am and this was almost to much for my heart to take, so I did what I think anyone would have done in that circumstance, I ran over and pulled her in to a hug (I'm also a huge fan of hugs just in case you didn't notice).
"I'll hug you and squeeze you and call you George, eh hehehe... I mean, you really are just the cutest thing I have ever seen." Fluttershy just froze in my arms for a few seconds before finally calming down and returning the hug. I then noticed the party goers around me staring at me like I had lost my mind and I laughed before saying
"Oh, umm, sorry about that, kind of forgot where I was there for a second, I'm all better now." to which I set down Fluttershy and stepped back a ways and Fluttershy was blushing heavily but she had a smile on as well as she said
"Oh it is no problem at all, you hug like a bear I know, it is quite nice." and with this being said everyone visibly relaxed.
"Anyway, I guess I should really introduce myself as well, let's see, I am a human, my name is James... umm, Taylor, ha ha no...Kirk, Just call me James Kirk (on a side note I found this hilarious considering it wasn't really my name but the name of a certain space traveling explorer and I could practically taste the irony, plus it would prove to be some powerful foreshadowing). My interests consist of cooking, swordplay, singing, reading, movies and boxing. I come from the planet Earth, and I live in the country known as America, of which I live on the west coast. My descent is Irish, French, English, and a little bit of German, thus the reason I am so very white. I stand a six foot two, weigh two hundred and twenty pounds, mostly muscle, but enough fat to show just how much I enjoy my own cooking. My eyes are naturally hazel, my hair is dark brown, almost coffee colored and I think that about covers everything."
Twilight had a notepad out and was writing furiously on it with her magic but the rest of the ponies were just looking at me with different degrees of interest. A few questions were asked, nothing all that complex, stuff like do you like cupcakes, I do of course, and what is your favorite color which is green. Everything went fine and the party got under way, but I did noticed how very child like everything was set up, from pin the tale on the pony (so punny), too the very bright and colorful decorations. All in all I didn't have any problem with it though, I really felt that such parties should never have gone out of style after a person grew up, but such is the way of humanity... luckily I was around ponies and those things didn't apply, although I did notice one thing that I thought was a little bit off.
"So, not that I'm complaining or anything, but isn't this party a little small? I mean it looks as though it was set up for a much larger group." This may have been the wrong thing to ask at the time because as soon as I said it the music halted with a large screech and everyone looked at me with a scared look. I glanced around fearfully and said
"What?", but then I saw Pinkie looking like someone had shot a puppy in front of her, suddenly I had to grab at my heart to try and stop it from shriveling up and dieing in my chest for it was that painful to look at. Pinkie chose that moment to speak up "I'm so sorry James, I invited everypony but none of them came because they were afraid of you and now your party is ruined... waaaa!"
'Oh crap she is crying, quick James, activate operation "fierce pony hug delta" or all will be lost!' I thought, as I quickly shot over to Pinkie and pulled her in to full body hug, saying
"No, no, no Pinkie everything is great, I like smaller parties anyway, plus I feel very welcome and happy that you would throw me my own personal party, so don't think for a second that this party is ruined."
'What is up with all these adorable ponies and the ability to just jerk around my emotions like it was the easiest thing to do in the world' I thought as Pinkie pulled away from me with a much happier look upon her face.
"I'm glad you like it, I worked really hard on it and I was sad when I got so few ponies to show up for a welcome party." I smiled back while saying
"It's no problem Pinkie". As I wiped away a remaining tear on her face I felt a warm, fuzzy feeling in my chest from such a sweet moment.
Everything mellowed out for the rest of the party, until the vary end, then the princesses asked me to speak with them in private, which I thought as a little odd but I accepted none the less. They took me back in to the bathroom and cast some sort of spell to dampen sounds around the whole room, which started to freak me out, but just a little.
"So... what was it you two wanted to speak to me about?" Luna smiled and said
"Oh, a few things really, but to start with we would like to ask about how you managed to get here, for we are certain we cast no spell to summon you." I smiled back sheepishly and told them everything I remembered, leaving out the fact that I pissed myself afterwards, but basically telling the whole story. Both sisters looked at each other with confused looks before Celestia said
"This is like no spell that I know of and the way you describe it makes it sounds as if it might have been a random tear in space captured in your viewing box, a nearly impossible occurrence, so I have to assume that some higher power has graced you with incredibly rare gift for some unknown reason. Since the elements had a positive effect on you we can assume you are not a threat to my little ponies, which likens you to the humans that visited this planet before. They were some of the greatest heroes our kind have ever seen, not only saving us from multiple threats but also giving us a great deal of inspiration for the development of our society. Even more amazing is the fact that you both seem to share the ability to travel back and forth between worlds at a whim, a very powerful ability to have."
I thought deeply on what had just been shared with me and debated in my head weather or not to share what I knew about the heroes Celestia had just described to me, when I noticed the princesses looking down on me with concern (Sometimes I am not very good at hiding the emotion upon my face). I took a deep breath while steeling my nerves and just went for it
"Alright here's the thing, humanity... or rather a small group of it knows of the events you speak of, it seems that these events were documented in a poorly made T.V. show, through the viewing box as you call it and in the eighties, around twenty to thirty years ago from my perspective, not the five thousand that has passed here. We viewed it all as a fantasy or at least everybody else does, experiencing it first hand kind of made me a believer, so I find myself in a very odd position. For one thing not only have the exploits of the six ponies in the other room been documented but so have my own it would appear and now I might have to come back every night before Saturday or people will notice that something is wrong with the show and that has its own problems that arise. Don't get me wrong, It isn't that I don't want to come back to your world on a weekly basis, because I truly find your world fascinating, but I'm not sure that I can keep up such a continual cycle without someone finding out, what should I do?"
"So the events five thousand years ago are recorded by your people but it only happened a short time ago on your world?" Celestia said, completely ignoring my problem, as if I hadn't said anything, which I found annoying to say the least. I nodded my head, yes and she continued to speak
"It would seem that when a bridge connects the two worlds, that the time flow of each sync up, but when the bridge is broken the time flows at completely different rates. How very strange, would you happen to know if the heroes of old are still alive?" I sighed and responded
"I tried to find out where they lived once I found out there were others like me, but I found nothing, still I do think that they are alive at this point in time, I mean humans live up to eighty years, sometimes more." Celestia smiled sadly at this but continued anyway
"Well that is about the same lifespan for ponies... yes I know I didn't answer your question, you don't have to look so annoyed." Celestia and her sister both laughed at my surprised face before she said
"I'm really not sure how you should deal with it... I guess you will have to figure it out yourself, but I'm sure you are smart enough for that anyway. Now there is one more thing of importance that I would like to discussed with you and I would like a complete honesty answer from you." I nodded and tried to ignore the crack about my intellect as I tried to imagined what she was so focused upon.
" Could you please mate with me." ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
"Wat?"
Both Luna and I looked at Celestia as if she had gone mad, which might have happened for all we knew, and we waited for some sort of answer. Celestia smiled sheepishly before continuing
"Is it really such an odd request? I am over two thousand years old and as such have experienced everything there is to experience, so when new things come along I enjoy them to the fullest, not to mention you are a very attractive young stallion if I do say so myself." Luna exploded at her sister, with a incredibly blushing face
"Tia! have thou gone mad? Where is thy royal composure, this is most unbecoming of you!"
"Now, now Luna, don't blow a gasket, besides you must know what it is like to be alone for so long without any others to fill the void, so what if I enjoy a few lovers from time to time, it keeps me sane." Luna looked ashamed but I had a completely different look upon my face, one that just shouted "poker face". I opened and closed my mouth a few times before finally finding my voice
"Umm... no thank you." Both princesses looked at me with shock as if this answer would never be uttered in a thousand years, but I guess if you are a god-princess that everyone adored, then maybe she really never had been denied before. Luna decided to respond first
"Tis a very generous offer, only a hoof full of beings through out time ever have the honor to sleep with a royal princess, so why would you deny it?" Celestia started to sniffle with tears in her eyes and asked as well
"Yes, why?"
"Whoa, whoa none of that now! Its not like I don't find you beautiful, not to mention cute, but my people have a strong taboo against having sex with animals... not that I think you are an animal or anything, but it is just that your species strongly resembles an animal on my planet and I would feel much to awkward to do something of that nature at this point in time. Not to mention I'm not really a big fan of one night stands, even one for a god like princess." Celestia gave a small smile but then an intrigued look replaced it right away as she asked
"Does this mean that you have no other sapient species on your planet?" I nodded and she responded right away with
"How very interesting, well than I will accept your decision for now, but I will enjoy breaking you of this taboo later." I looked at Celestia with a small frown and asked
"Wait, what was that last part?" Celestia snickered and responded
"Oh nothing, well this has been fun, but now my sister and I must return to Canterlot, you know how it is, important royal duties and all that sort of stuff."
"Uhh right, well see you later than." I said with suspicion in my voice, and with that they both removed their magic shield and teleported away. I walked out of the bathroom, looked at all the partied out ponies and said
"Well the princesses just left and I should as well I'll be back in a few days I guess." I got a round of goodbyes and hugs (looks like I'm not the only one that likes hugs) and with that I pulled out my remote from my pocket and hit return. I didn't pass out like I had in the past and what a weird trip it was; have you ever seen the opening for Doctor Who? Well take away the music, make the tunnel straight and toss in a feeling of extreme vertigo, that is about what I felt. Then I landed on my bed as if nothing ever happened and I looked around with a grin upon my face before summing up my feelings
"One thing is for sure, my life just got a whole lot more interesting."
It has been a few days and it is finally early Saturday morning, and boy have I been looking forward to this, I don't know what it is but everything just seems right about it. The more I think about it the more I find that this new experience thrilling, I mean it is a whole, untapped, alien world with danger and excitement around every corner, and for a guy that always wanted to be an explorer and has an unhealthy flirtatious relationship with death, it couldn't be more exciting. Now I'm not saying that I seek out death, by no way do I mean that, no, what I mean is that I commonly do stupid things that seem to get me close to death, playing with extremely sharp swords for instance or poking deadly animals from time to time. The point is that I find myself drawn to this other world like a moth to a flame and I am finding it harder not to just go right away, even though I'm not sure when I should. Well as always patients loses to desire and I quickly press the enter button on my remote.
One quick portal trip later and I am sitting on my butt, looking in to a pair of extremely blue eyes, belonging to my favorite pink party animal, Pinkie Pie. Instead of thinking about coming up with something smart to say I just utter the first thing that pops in to my head.
"you have the most stunningly beautiful eyes I have ever seen." Not really the smartest thing to say when I don't want to give the wrong impression, but sadly my flirtatious attitude won out, even when I don't mean for it to happen. A blush on already pink cheeks is surprisingly cute (just for those who ever wondered) and Pinkie gave me a predatory grin as a thought flashes through my head 'Oh dear, what have I done'.
"Mmm, so you like my eyes... that is super sweet of you, I wonder how I could repay such a sweet compliment, tehe" Pinkie said with what can only be described as a very sultry voice. Now I knew that I was walking a dangerous path, so I tried to change course as soon as possible stating out loud,
"So Pinkie it is great to see you, would you happen to have something for me to eat? I'm starved!" This seemed to be the correct choice, for Pinkies attitude did a complete flip in to excited and happy instead of sexy and sultry, as she blurted out,
"Oh boy do I, here at Sugar Cube Corner we pride ourselves on a cornucopia of colorful confections with careful consideration." and with that she started listing off mass amounts of desserts, it was quite fun just to watch her list off so many treats and so I listened to her for several minutes until she just slowed to a stop and said "hmm no pony has ever let me go through the whole list, usually they stop me because they think I am being annoying."
I just laughed and said,
"well then they don't know what they are missing, I find your enthusiasm to be refreshing and adorable, I have no idea who wouldn't find absolute joy in just being around you. Well anyway I'll take one of your famous cupcakes." I mentally slapped myself when I noticed that I did it again, I really must have been hungry if I was just throwing out compliments without thinking. It had gotten me in to hot water before with numerous people, lets just say I have been punched in the face by angry boyfriends far to many times to count. Anyway this time around Pinkie looked at me with watery eyes and a wavering smile and said,
"That is the nicest thing any pony has ever said to me, thank you so very much James."
With that she ran in to the back room with tears dripping down her face as she looked for a cupcake and I felt a satisfied wave of embarrassment wash over me just from knowing that I caused so much happiness with something that I had said, but it was soon was silenced as an angry pony rushed out of where Pinkie had gone, in my direction. She had a blue coat and pink mane that looked as if it was made of frosting, which I would have found amusing if said pony didn't look like she wanted to rip me in half with her bare hooves.
"Now listen here you monster, I don't know what you just did to make Pinkie Pie cry, but it must have been awful because I have seen that mare take on some of the most irate customers with a sincere smile plastered on her face and never once break. I must admit that I am scared of you beyond words, but if you don't leave immediately I will beat you to within an inch of your life or maybe I will just kill you, do you understand me?!"
My eyes were as wide as they could get as I tried to form words; now my life has been threatened in the past before so I knew when someone was being serious when they said they would kill me and I saw that spark of willingness to murder me within this mares eyes. I was ready to jump out of my chair and sprint towards the door, because if I didn't I might just die, but then Pinkie rushed back in to the room with a worried look upon her face.
"Ms. Cake! Stop! He didn't make me cry in sadness but out of joy, he complimented me and it was just the nicest think any pony had ever said to me, that was why I was crying." Ms. Cake looked at me with shock while comprehending what Pinkie had just told her, before grabbing Pinkie and running off in to the back room once again. A few minutes later after a whispered conversation, both ponies walked back out to talk to me. Ms. Cake had a flat box balanced on her back that she set in front of me before saying,
"I am very sorry Mr. James, I talked to Pinkie Pie and she only had wonderful things to say about you, please take this box of treats on the house as a apology." A very embarrassed look rested upon her face as she looked at the ground in shame. I smiled at the wholehearted apology and said,
"There is no need to apologies to me, if someone had made a dear friend cry I probably would have done the same thing that you did... well maybe not with such fervor, but you get my point. Consider it water under the bridge and may I also say that it was rather courageous to speak your mind when you were so afraid of me." Ms. Cake looked up at me with surprise before a warm smile replaced it and she responded,
"Oh my, Pinkie dear you are quite right, he is very charming, it is rare to see such a kind stallion in such a scary form, now I just feel silly for running away with the rest of the town when we saw you appear. Please don't hesitate to come by and visit the Sugar Cube Corner at any time, and now I know what I will be gossiping about later on."
I smiled at all the feel good going around as I ate my cupcake (on a side note best damn cupcake I had ever had in my life) and everything seemed to be going great until for no perceivable reason Pinkie burst out the front door and proceeded to ram in to Twilight and Spike. I watched from my table as Pinkie freaked out over some tickets that landed on her face, mistaking them for bats, but then she realized her mistake.
"wait are these tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala?" Pinkie screamed, which was followed by the oddest thing I have ever been apart of, I seemed to be pulled in to a fantasy of Pinkies creation, in which she sang while imagining what this "Gala" would be like.
"Whoa, what the freaking hell just happened?!" I screamed, while finding myself outside and no longer in my seat, but luckily I still had my goodie box. Twilight looked up at me and said,
"Oh, hi James, that was a magic induced group illusion, M.I.G.I. for short, they happen when a pony imagines something so powerful that every other pony in the same area can see and hear it. It has only been documented happening in pony society and it really is interesting, you see in two hundred and sixty two A.N.M. or after Nightmare Moon if you will, it was discovered that..." Twilight was cut short on her rant when Pinkie butted in and said,
"Boring! Twilight that is so very boring, lets get back to the tickets." Twilight seemed a little ticked off (sorry about the pun) to have her rant interrupted, but she complied to Pinkies demand. A few seconds later Rarity came walking up and noticed the tickets that Spike had in his claws, which was followed by another M.I.G.I., this one was about her meeting a perfect stallion and falling in love. I burst in to giggles and said,
"I'm sorry but that is the biggest load I have seen in the longest time, I mean if princes are anything like they are on my planet then this guy is probably a huge prick who only cares about his own looks. If by the off chance you did get to greet him he probably wouldn't give you the time of day, hell I bet he would go after somebody like Twilight and only because she has a high rank amongst the noble class. You would be far better off finding someone that adores you for you and completely stop trying to chase after such a contrite thing as prince charming, believe me he doesn't exist. As for you Pinkie, I hate to burst your bubble but, this is a party for the noble class, a bunch of stuck up, fro-fro, jerks, that wouldn't know a good time if it bit them in the keyster. No, if you wanted the party you are talking about you would be better off making it yourself, hell I would help you do so if you asked me to."
All creatures present looked at me with varying degrees of shock, Rarity looked at me like I had delivered a world shattering eye opener, Spike looked at me like I had lost my mind, Twilight had a perplexed look, as if she was trying to decifer a long dead language and Pinkie, well she just sat there with her head tilted to the side as if she had heard something that she wasn't sure she liked or not. The first to speak was Rarity,
"Why I, I, I... I don't even know what to say to you... on the one hoof I want to scream at you until I am blue in the face, but on the other hoof, I can almost see the truth of your statement, no matter how painful it seems to me............ I have to go and think about what you have told me, please excuse me." and with that Rarity ran off. Pinkie on the other hand was starting to shake around on the ground, as if there was an earthquake, and a massive grin split her face through the middle before she spoke.
"I could plan a party at the Gala and call it Pinkie's Spectacular Gala Get together, it would be the biggest party I have ever planned, oh this is big, this is really big. Sorry guys I have to go and plan now, thanks James." I nodded dumbly at this and looked down just in time to see a rabbit grab the tickets and bring them to Fluttershy. 'I'm started to get the feeling that there was a theme here' I thought as yet another M.I.G.I. appeared in my mind, this one was of Fluttershy in a colorful garden interacting with all the local fauna and how she would become friends with them all. I looked down at Fluttershy for a few seconds and gave her a sad look before saying,
"Well that sounds lovely, it really does, but let me ask you something, wouldn't the critters of this garden be shy around anyone that tried to get to know them, I'm not sure about the animals on this planet, but on mine they are extremely flighty and will run away from unknown elements." Fluttershy looked down at the ground in contemplation before looking back up at me and saying,
"Oh my, you're right, it took me years to get to know all the animals in the forest and I had to be extra gentle so as not to scare them. I should come up with a plan for how to interact with them in order not scare them away, thank you James. I'm so glad you are going to give me that ticket Twilight, this will make things so much easier when I go to meet them." This seemed to be a Que for more ponies to show up because just then Rainbow and Applejack showed up saying that it was their ticket and not Fluttershy's. Then all the others showed back up, even Rarity and they all said that it was their ticket, I laugh at the unbelievable nature this had just taken, as if mentioning the tickets was a summons for all of Twilight's friends to appear at once. I said,
"Hey Rarity what are you doing here? I thought you were thinking over what I said" Rarity looked at me and responded,
"Well I am, but I still want that ticket, so I am here to get it." With this everyone started complaining at once but Twilight was having none of it, or so it appeared for when the arguing reached a boiling point she blew her lid and told them all to leave her alone until she could figure out who to give the ticket to.
With that Twilight and Spike made there way to some fancy restaurant, I followed along for my curiosity had been peaked.
"So where did you get these tickets and why are there only two?" I asked. Twilight looked at me with sorrow and responded,
"Oh Celestia, not you too! Please tell me you don't want to go as well." I grimaced and said,
"Nope, that is the last thing on my mind, after what Celestia asked me to do for her last time, I think it would be best not to get anywhere near her for a good long while, I mean going to that celebration just sounds like asking for trouble." Twilight sighed in relief and said,
"Well you see Celestia sent me these tickets in a scroll and said to bring a friend, but now I can't seem to choose between any of my friends." I looked at Twilight as if she was stupid and responded,
"You know, if I didn't know any better I would say that your teacher is messing with you, but I'm not really sure, anyway there is a very simple way to fix this and it is quite simple." Twilight looked at me with bright eyes and asked me,
"what is it?" but before I could answer her, food arrived, she thanked the waiter and I was going to try to tell her again when several ponies ran by, in to the restaurant. At first I thought this was just coincidence, but then event after event would happen just as I was about to speak, from Dash showing up to keep rain from getting on Twilight and then Dash closing up said raincloud (I have no idea how she did that) when Twilight wouldn't accept the bribe, or at least that is how I saw it. Next Rarity tried to Bribe Twilight with cloths and she also dressed up spike like a little dandy, I laughed my ass off, but that is neither here nor there and all the while Twilight kept getting denied food to eat. Then AJ tried to bribe Twilight with food and after that we found Fluttershy cleaning the library, really it was just getting quite annoying. The final straw though was when we went back outside and found Pinkie as well as a large group of other ponies waiting for Twilight, they grabbed her and tossed her in to the air while Pinkie sang a song and once this was over, Pinkie let slip that Twilight had tickets. All the ponies freaked out and Twilight looked liked she was going to have a panic attack when I intervened.
"Enough!" This drew all eyes on me and suddenly all the ponies remembered that they were deathly afraid of me which played a role in clearing out the rabble right quick. After a quick beating of hooves we were nearly alone except for Pinkie and I continued from where I left off,
"Alright, Twilight eat this." and I shoved a cupcake in to her hooves from the goodie box I still had, all the while waiting until she finished it. Next I stepped in to the library and ushered everybody inside, looking around I noticed Twilight's friends were all here, perfect.They all started to whine and complain before I shouted "shut it!" which stopped the noise and I continued,
"First off, you all have been messing with Twilight all day long, leaving her with an impossible choice of who to choose, which is very unfair of you all." This made the group look around with embarrassed faces and soon they were apologizing to Twilight one by one.
"While this is all well and good there is a certain pony princess who is to blame for this entire mess, is there a way to send a quick message to Celestia?" Twilight nodded and told me that she sent instant messages through dragon flame and that Spike could write a letter. I nodded and said,
"Alright then, Spike if you would be so kind please take a letter, Dear, Trollestia..." Spike looked at me with a funny look but I just said,
"Just do it, anyway, I know what you have done and I am not pleased at all, maybe you were trying to teach your student a lesson, but if you were it was a horrible way to go about it. No, what I know happened was that you were pulling a little prank on your dear student, leaving only two tickets when you know for a fact she has five other friends, not to mention Spike who should have gotten a ticket because he is a sort of page to Twilight, or at least that is how I see it. So shame on you for pulling such a mean joke on Twilight, you should know better than that, bad princess, bad! Now you send her the rest of the tickets right away and I don't want any excuses. Signed, A very unhappy James Kirk."
"James I'm not sure you should send that, for it..." Twilight tried to continue but I cut her off and said,
"No, that is how it is going to go, speaking of which, Spike, send it." Spike looked uncertain but rolled up the note and burned away the letter. A few seconds later another letter appeared out of thin air and without thinking I grabbed it and started reading,
"Dear James, you are absolutely right, I am a bad princess for playing such a mean trick on Twilight and as you requested here are the rest of the tickets. For being such a bad princess, I think you should give me a spank..." I stopped reading out loud immediately and said,
"Well, look at that, she admitted fault, here you all go a ticket for each of you, even you spike. Anyway I think I will go read the rest of this alone." and with that I zipped in to the bathroom and reopened up the letter to read the rest of it, already dreading what it said.
"I think you should give me a spanking, for how will I ever learn if some pony doesn't teach me with a little pleasure and pain. Now that I am sure you have stopped reading this out loud, let me tell you something else, I am a princess and have never been talked down to in such a manner before and if I wasn't so very turned on right now I would find you and drop you off of a large cliff. As penance you are going to show up to my party and so help me if you aren't there, I will make your life a living hell. Signed with hugs and kisses, Princess Celestia."
"Oh, fuck my life" I said, as another ticket dropped out of the scroll. I picked it up and exited the bathroom and was greeted by several happy faces, I was going to just slip by then when Twilight asked,
"So, what did the rest of the letter say?" I panicked and said,
"Oh not much, turns out I'm going to the Gala as well, anyway I'm bushed, see you all later." and with a flick of my wrist I had my remote out and was gone in a flash before any more questions could be asked. As soon as I got home I flopped down on my bed and said,
"I really need to learn when to keep my opinion to myself, oh well at least I didn't get dropped off a cliff."
It was the middle of the week on a Thursday morning and I had just got done stocking shelves at my crappy job, luckily I had earned a few days off due to an error of calculated hours worked and that meant that I had the next four day off to do as I please.Thinking that I would hang out in my new most favorite hot spot, a little place called Ponyville, I decided to get ready to go. When everything was in the right place I pulled out my remote and clicked the button, which was followed by the blinding lights of the wormhole enveloping me momentarily.
When I could see again I was in front of Ponyville but something was off, It felt as if there was an earthquake and I heard something that was akin to thunder. Getting a shiver up my spine, I started to get a general idea of what was happening, but I slowly turned around just to confirm what I guessed was the problem. Turns out it was a stampede of large cows merely twenty feet away, I knew there was nothing I could do, I was going to be stomped to death and in a colorful cartoon world none the less. My past flashed before my eyes,
age 10
"Hey champ, hows it going, look I have something to tell you... me and your mom are breaking up, what this means is that we are moving apart and will not longer be married, however this doesn't mean that me or your mom will love you any less, no, we will always love you and nothing will ever change that, I just wanted you to know that. Alright I better go tell your brother."
age 12
"Alright James, you are next, when you are older, what do you want to be?"
"I want to be an explorer and see things I never have seen before."
"Look, James, that just isn't practical, try to pick something more worth while like the rest of the class."
"Well then how about an ambassador who makes peace treaties for alien worlds?"
"Oh for the love of..... James, you're killing me here."
age 18
"Alright, here you go, your very own driver's license and good job on the test, you passed with flying colors."
age 20
"We are going to have a night that you will never forget James, but we will deny it ever happened if someone asks, anyway happy birthday and welcome to Vegas, now lets get wasted."
Present
I came back to myself and saw the cows barreling down on me, this left me with just enough time to say a quick prayer before I died,
"Dear God, please forgive me for the stuff I did in Vegas, I hope you don't hold that above my head when I come to see you. Amen." and with that I closed my eyes. After a few seconds of nothing happening I cracked them back open and noticed that the cows had past within inches of my body. I let out a deep sigh and looked in the direction the herd had headed, spotting Applejack at the front with a lasso in her mouth and a dog sitting next to her. I walked up with a amazed look on my face as she finished talking to the cows (note to self, don't eat any meat on this planet) and asked the question that was on the tip of my tongue.
"Applejack did you stop that herd of cows from stomping me to death?" She just looked at me with a funny look before responding,
"Well, I recon I did, luckily for you, what were you doing there anyway? Didn't you hear them coming?" I shook my head no before saying,
"No, I just got here and didn't have time to move... you saved me. I don't know what to say, I guess that I owe you my life... is there anything you need doing, so that I might repay you in some way?" Applejack sat and thought for a few more seconds before answering,
"Well, the only thing that I can think of is that it is apple bucking season, but I much rather do that myself, call it a matter of pride if you will." I looked back at her with my saddest eyes I could muster and said,
"Please Applejack, I would be very insulted if you didn't allow me to do this for you." She looked in to my eyes and started to grind her teeth in frustration before finally yelling,
"Okay fine you can move apples in to the barn but you better not get in the way." I smiled and said,
" You won't regret this Applejack, I swear." Applejack just nodded and said "yeah, yeah" as I followed after her.
Later at Sweet Apple Acres
I had been moving bushel by bushel of apples in to the barn for the last hour and work was slow going, however Mac decided to keep me company while I worked, although he couldn't do anything but watch and walk besides me, because of his injury.
"So Mac... you are Applejacks brother right?"
"eeyup"
"hmm, cool, cool... so I noticed that you aren't afraid of me like all the other ponies, is there any reason for that or do I just not strike you as scary?"
"hmm, just not scary."
"well that's good, anyway I guess that with you out of commission applejack feels as if it is her duty and hers alone to harvest the farm, am I right?"
"eeyup"
"dang, that was what I was afraid of, she does seem to be the might stubborn type. So can I ask you a question?"
"eeyup"
"How did you get injured?" Mac had a mighty blush on his face and it took several minutes to answer.
"................................... I was studding myself out for a few mares to make extra income and I broke a few ribs." I stopped walking for a few seconds as I tried to wrap my head around what was just said, before continuing walking and asking,
"Wait so when you say stud, do you mean selling sex for money?" Mac just nodded and I continue,
"And you did this with several mares?" He nodded again and I tried to get a better understanding of what was said to me,
"So is this a normal habit for stallions to preform? You don't have to answer me if you don't want to, but it has become blatantly obvious that there are some things about this world that I just don't understand." Mac's blush slowly faded as he considered what I just said, before responding,
"Well, not every stallion studs himself, but those that do are generally revered for doing so." I tilted my head to the side and asked,
"why?" Mac chuckled and said,
"Have you noticed the number of females compared to males in this town?" I thought about it for a few seconds before responding,
"Well, no, not really, all the towns folk are too afraid to get near me." Mac nodded again and said,
"That's a shame, well if you did look around town you would notice the extremely unbalanced numbers, I believe that it is somewhere in the area of three males to every seven females, but that is just here, in other parts of Equestria it is more around four to six. Because of this, most males form a herd if they decide to date, which is not to say that single male to female relationships don't happen, but they are rarer." I started to understand but had another question,
"Okay that makes sense, but what about you and studding yourself out, I mean a handsome guy like yourself, I imagine you would have to beat off the mares with a stick, so why the whole studding thing?" He made an oh face of understanding before saying,
"Ya see, I have very little time to myself and as such just don't date, but I can provide the service of studding for mares that want foals." I nodded slowly before asking,
"Alright, so it provides you with income, but doesn't that just make you a male prostitute and don't you get ridiculed for doing it?" He looked a little angry before responded,
"No, not at all, unlike a prostitute, I am giving mares foals, not just pleasure, it is a very respected job, not only does it keep pony kind from going extinct, but you must also consider the fact that I have foals all over the place that I will never get to know, that is the pain of being a stud, so don't ever call a stud a prostitute because it will get you punched in the face." I backed away from Mac and said,
"Whoa, I'm sorry Mac, I didn't mean to insult you, I was just trying to understand the situation. Well anyway, I think I got all the bushels in this part of the orchard." Mac nodded in understanding, before looking around with a slightly surprised look and said,
"Dang, look at that, good job, it takes me at least twice as long to clear out a field when I do it by hoof." I smiled and responded,
"yeah, I basically just do this sort of thing for a living, see, I move heavy boxes all day long." Mac gave another nod of understanding and said,
"eeyup" I gave a slight smile to this and laughed at the fact that Mac was the strong, silent type, but when he wanted to, he could talk your ear off on any given subject, that is if he had a mind to.
With everything winding down, I finished my work and found Applejack still working in the orchard, kicking tree after tree and I asked,
"Hey Applejack, are you going to stop soon? It is getting close to nighttime and we have another long day of work ahead of us." Applejack looked over at me with a sad smile before responding,
"sorry partner, no can do, If I stop the harvest won't be completed in time, I'm just going to have to pull an all night job." I frowned at this but accepted it for now, before saying that I would be back in the morning
The Next Morning, Friday
I was back on the farm, bright and early to meet a certain mare and her family, It was interesting to say the least. An elder mare by the name of Granny Smith (oh God the puns) came up to me and asked me what I was, I told her I was a human and she told me she had never heard of um but that I was "welcome to the best dog gun place this side of the frostback mountains". I nodded politely at her and was just about to head out to back out to the orchard when I noticed a scared little filly hiding behind Big Mac, and let me tell you she just oozed adorable. I looked down at her and said in a quite voice,
"Hello there, my name is James, how do you do?" This made her cower ever farther behind Mac and I had to hold back a loud "Awwww" from escaping my lips from the ten point nine gigawatts of cute she was radiating off of her. I gave a devious grin and said,
"Well it has been nice to meet you miss, miss... umm, well shoot, I guess I didn't catch your name" this got the response that I was hoping for and she responded,
"It's Apple Bloom." but then she caught on to what I had done, let out a little "eeepppp" and ran back behind Big Mac, which in turn made Mac chuckle. I waved goodbye and made my way in to the orchard, but a few minutes later I heard a lite clopping sound and turned around to see who it was. All I saw was a pair of eyes hidden within a small bush and it brought a smile to my face as I continued on my way. The soft beat of hooves continued and I went about my business, as if a small filly wasn't following me around as I worked. Several minutes later, she seemed to build enough courage to speak and asked,
"So are you some sort of monster?" I laughed at this and responded,
"Nope, if you were going to classify me I guess you would call me an alien, but don't worry I come in peace, all I really want is to live long and prosper." then I made the Vulcan hand sign while giggling, which in turn made Apple Bloom giggle, before she asked another question,
"So if you are an alien, does that mean you have a spaceship, or maybe an evil brain probe?" I smirked and said,
"Ah nope, I crashed my spaceship and the space police impounded it, along with my evil brain probe, now I get along with a simple teleportation device." As I pulled out my remote control, which got an loud "ooooh" from Apple Bloom as she looked at my remote, as if it held untold power, which I guess it kind of did. Once she was done staring she asked another burning question,
"Where does it go?" I looked over at her and simply said,
"My room in my house, on my planet called earth, I know, I know, it isn't a very good name for a planet, but my people named it after the first thing they could think of, namely dirt." Apple Bloom giggled again and said, "I like you, you're funny." This nearly melted my heart as I looked at the weaponized cuteness that was trying to kill me, but I continued on and said,
"I like you too, would you like to be my friend?" Apple Bloom looked at me with starry eyes (no really they had stars in them) and responded,
"I have never had an alien as a friend before, alright James you have a deal." And with that she spit in to her hoof and held it out to me. I continued to grin as I spit in to my hand and shook, a little filthy, but no worst for wear and it made me smile as the little filly trotted along side, while asking me about my world.
A few hours later
I had just finished another field and I found Applejack bucking another tree, but something was a little off about her, mainly the fact that she looked like she was drunk off her ass. I decided to ask her what I was thinking,
"So when was the last time you slept?" Applejack popped her head up and looked around lazily before settling her eyes on me and answered,
"uhh, two days now, yeah just about that much." I nodded slowly and said,
"uh hu, well that's nice, but maybe you should, oh I don't know, go take a nap or something?" Applejack shook her head vigorously and responded,
"No, no, no, I can't stop until this orchard is plucked clean of apples, now stop buggin' me and leave." I sighed sadly and complied to her demand, hoping that things would change for the better tomorrow.
I arrived in town the next day to find myself staring at a large funny looking contraption that I guessed to be some sort of simplistic catapult. Then I noticed Rainbow Dash and Applejack interacting near the machine as I walked up to them. I said,
"Hey guys what's going on?" Dash responded,
"Oh, hey James, Applejack here is going to launch me in to the sky with this catapult, it is going to be so awesome." I looked over at Applejack and immediately felt appalled, for I noticed how out of it she really looked. I tried to voice my concern, but Applejack just ignored me and started trying to launch Dash, however she just kept failing, over and over and over. It was almost pathetic really, but in a cartoonish and silly fashion, hell I would even say that Applejack is a silly pony, yes a very silly pony, but I digress, for after failing so many time, she finally got it right. I watched in horror as everything seemed to change to slow motion, for this time around AJ was right on the mark, but Dash wasn't ready for this and even tried to yell to Applejack to stop, but to no avail and so she got sent in to orbit, which was more that a little disconcerting, however there wasn't much I could do about it. I did however, decide to keep a close eye on AJ, just in case she ended up "helping" anyone else.
The day continued on as we went back over to the farm and started working again, that is, until Twilight showed up and tried to convince AJ that she needed help with the farm, but sadly AJ was just as pig-headed as before and refused to be helped. This would have been manageable if she didn't also say that she had to go and help pinkie with baking treats, so I butted in and asked if I could come along; she said yes.
When we got to the Sugar Cube Corner I bumped in to Mr. Cake and apologized right away, but he just smiled and responded,
"Oh, you must be this James that my wife has been talking about, it is nice to meet you, my name is Carrot Cake." I smiled and said, "Hmm Carrot Cake, do you mind if I call you Mr. C?" he laughed and said,
"That would be fine with me." He was a real nice guy and not nearly as skittish as everyone else, so I asked,
"would you two mind if I joined in with baking muffins? I make a mean banana and chocolate chip muffin." The two store owners gave me an apprising eye before asking,
"you can bake?"
"Yep, I worked at a bakery for three years before the economy tanked, but that is a completely different story for another time." This make the Cakes smile and they told me that they didn't mind, so I went in to the back with Pinkie and AJ. Just as I suspected, AJ wasn't in her right mind and started mixing up the ingredients (no pun intended), but luckily I made an extra batch for every one she made. Oddly enough, Pinkie didn't even notice what was going on as she listed off the ingredients, I didn't see how, but this world worked in a funny way anyway, so I just chalked it up to that. When all the muffins were done cooking I had to come up with a way to switch out the bad muffins for my muffins, but sadly I got caught while moving them. AJ spoke up first,
"Oh, I see you want to try one of my muffins, just couldn't wait, huu? A look of pure terror appeared on my face as I knew exactly what had been put in to the said muffins and I wasn't even sure how they resembled muffins in the first place, I mean I watched her put worms and soda in them, but sadly I had no choice but to try one. As I bit in to the "muffins" an indescribable flavor filled my mouth, I suddenly had an an epiphany, It went like this, 'This muffin is what pain tastes like, If pain had a flavor this would be it.' The girls watched as crescent moon of a smile worked its way upon my face, wavering and flickering as it fought for dominance and something started to pour out of my eyes. AJ spoke up,
"James, are you weeping blood?" I swept the tear up on my hand and looked at it, 'yep that's blood, well I better come up with something',
"Oh don't worry, humans do this when they are extremely happy, now why don't you girls go fix up the front and I will bring these out when they cool off." They looked unsure for a few seconds before doing as I said and right after this I swept up the foul abominations and threw them away in the trash can out back. Luckily my muffins seemed to look exactly the same on the outside and would work to fool the ponies as I brought then out for the muffin extravaganza, as a crowd of unwitting ponies were saved from an monster far to evil to speak its true name.
AJ and I walked back to the farm and I hoped against hope that AJ had no more tasks to do for the foreseeable future, but sadly it seemed this universe was heavily humor based and demanded a debt of blood for it to be satisfied ... I mean jokes, yeah jokes, not blood . Anyway, we were working on the farm for another hour before Twilight showed up again to try and convince AJ she needed help, but sadly no dice. In fact this only seemed to remind AJ that she had an appointment with Fluttershy and I prayed that it would be something easy and not potentially dangerous. When it turned out to be herding baby bunnies I thought my prayers were answered, oh how wrong I was. Applejack was questioning why she was doing something like corralling bunnies when I intervened,
"Hey, you know I could do this for you AJ, that way you can get back to harvesting, I mean, it might take me a bit longer but I am sure I can do it." AJ looked at me with appreciation and responded,
"Thank you James" before she trotted away and left me in the care of Fluttershy, I thought I would be safe, what a fool I am. Fluttershy brought out a little vial of clear liquid and said,
"I use this every year on a few vegetables in the middle of the pen to draw in the bunnies, it is the essence of carrots and usually works quite whoops..." It was as if the universe decided that the best time to humiliate me was right at this moment, for the vial slipped out of Fluttershy's mouth and burst all over me. This wouldn't have been so bad, if it wasn't for the fact that all the bunnies set their empty soulless little eyes upon me and sniffed the air while doing so. Have you ever been attacked by a group of bouncing baby bunnies while a cute talking pony watched your demise? No, I didn't think so. I had ran for the pen thinking that it would get all the bunnies at once and I was right, but I really should have been afraid for my own well being. When the bunnies hit I started to laugh and said,
"They are giving me little kisses, this is adora... Oww, what the... Owww, oh no they are biting m... YEOWWW, Oh God the sharp little fangs, they hurt so much, make it stop, make it stop! AHHHHH!" After I managed to pulled all the bunnies off of me and shut the gate behind me, Fluttershy tended to my wounds and I had to swear her to silence, which cost me one favor, no questions asked. 'Meh, how bad can a favor for Fluttershy be.' I thought as I thanked the fact that no one knew I was a real person.
Afterwords I made my way back to the farm just in time to find Twilight once again telling AJ she needed help but AJ bucked one more tree and told Twilight that it was the last while gloating. The universe struck once again when Mac pointed out that she was in fact wrong and showed her an entire field that still had apples. Finally Applejack broke down and accepted help, which got a "Oh thank God" from me. In no time at all it seemed, all of Applejack's friends showed up and the last field was picked clean in minutes, 'damn ponies and there freaking magic' I thought bitterly as it had taken me days of work to just do what Twilight did in minutes, 'oh well'.
Applejack called everyone over for a break and proceeded to thank us all, while apologizing for the way she had acted, which brought a sigh of relief from me, knowing that this horrible ordeal was over, that is until Spike came over with some rather suspicious looking muffins. He started to give them out and I yelled,
"Don't eat those! Spike where did you get these?" Spike shrugged and responded,
"I found them in the trash behind Sugar Cube Corner." I blanched and said,
"Those were in the trash for a reason, I bled out of my eyes after eating one of those, that's not normal." AJ looked up and said,
"Hey I thought you said humans do that when they are happy, why did you lie?" I gave her a deadpan stare and ask,
"AJ do you even remember what you put in those muffins? Because I do, one of the ingredients was worms.I lied to spare your feeling and also to protect everyone from getting violently ill or worst, in fact I'm pretty sure I took off a year from my life by eating that muffin." AJ looked abashed when she remembered what she put in the muffins, but smiled at me for trying to protect her feeling. Spike looked at me and said,
"I feel fine and I ate like, twenty of these things." Everyone laughed except me and I thought 'note to self, dragons can eat anything, also ewww.' I let this thought pass me up and said,
I had awoken in my room with a smile on my face from a job well done, for yesterday was no easy task and I wondered what I would do for my last day off. Soon I had an idea, I thought it would be fun to watch the previous episodes of the show and see everything from another perspective, so that was what I did. I found a few of the episodes on YouTube oddly enough and I started from episode three, but I soon noticed something a little funny.
"What the hell, that isn't what I said...... ah man, they censored me, well I guess that makes sense, it is a little girls show after all. Man this really is pretty good, leave it up to someone that created the Powerpuff Girls to get the job done... hmm I wonder what other cartoons or books are real? Now there's a scary thought, God, I hope the DragonBall Z universe isn't real, and I really hope that if it is, that I never have to interact with it. I would probably die in seconds, eesh, all of these probable realities across space and time nonsense is starting to really freak me out. Well hopefully what happened to me was just a freak accident; yeah that is how I'm going to look at it, less terrifying that way."
With that said, I passed the morning by while watching the show and found several more areas where I was censored or where what I did was just completely removed, but on a whole it didn't bother me to much. After an hour I had finished and I decided to head back to Equestria and see if I couldn't find something enjoyable to do, but little did I know that I would be taking part in something much more enjoyable than I bargained for.
It all started out normal enough; for I found myself in front of Twilight's library and everything looked rather normal, but underneath this normal exterior lay a bubbling pot of crazy with an unquenchable hunger. Being the unknowing dupe that I was, I thought it would be a great idea to knock and see what a small purple unicorn was doing. Twilight opened the door and looked plenty fine, well, that is except for her eyes, for her eyes shown a deep craving. What I didn't know was that that craving was for me. Twilight started to smile ever so slowly and said,
"Oh James, I was just thinking of you, please come in, stay a while." I agreed and ducked under the low door frame, when all of the sudden I heard a loud clicking noise. I turned around to see that Twilight had locked the door with several bolts, which unnerved me slightly, but ever the fool, I ignored it. I sat down on a small couch in the middle of the room and ever so slowly Twilight sashayed over to me with the same hunger look as before, only more noticeable. She took a seat right next to me on the couch and looked in to my eyes and at this point I also noticed a bright blush upon her face, but strangely it didn't look as though she was embarrassed at all. I asked,
"Twilight are you alright? Your cheeks are rather flush......... also do you smell that? I can't seem to place it, it has a bit of a musk to it." Twilight giggled girlishly and responded,
"Well I am feeling a little strange, but in a good way and I do smell what you are talking about, I find it very enticing and alluring." It was at this time that I was at full alert and decided to ask,
"Soooo, where is Spike, you know, the small child that you live with and who thinks the world of you?" Twilight smirked and said,
"Oh, don't let the way he acts fool you, he is much older then he would appear, I mean he is actually seventeen, but as to where he is, well, he went to Rarity's place and won't be back for hours." I was really starting to panic at this point, and to make matters worse, Twilight had been ever so slowly working her way in to my lap. I looked around for a way to escape, but all the pathways were to far away to get to without Twilight grabbing me with her magic, so with fear in my voice I asked,
"What were you thinking about when you thought of me, Twilight?" She drew ever closer to me with a predatory grin upon her face and responded,
"I'm glad you asked, you see, I want something from you, something I have wanted ever since I first lay eyes on you... James will you please..." I stopped her right there and yelled out,
"Twilight I'm not going to have sex with you, I mean I have only known you for a week!" Twilight jumped back with a look of horror and said,
"What?!" I nodded and flew off the couch, making my way to the door while screaming,
"I can read the signs and there is no way that you are going to force me to do this Twilight, I don't know what it is about you and your teacher, but I want nothing to do with your sick sexual fantasies!" Before I could make it to the door, I found myself floating in the air as a purple aura tossed me back the way I had come, so I continued my raving,
"Help! Someone, anyone, Twilight Sparkle is trying to rape me!" It was at this point that I felt something slap over my mouth and I no longer was able to speak. I looked over to find a furious unicorn staring daggers at me, but I found that I was powerless to do anything for defense. Twilight started to whisper,
"What are you crazy, I'm not trying to rape you, I just wanted to ask you questions about your world and species, and what do you mean about Celestia?" I found that my mouth was free of whatever was blocking it so I looked back indignantly at Twilight and said,
"Don't try to fool me, you locked the door behind us when you came in, stared at me like I was a piece of meat while talking about some sort of alluring smell, almost climbed in to my lap and lets not forget that you sent away the only witness for an unknown amount of time." Twilight looked at me defensively and said,
"I locked the door because I didn't want to be disturbed, I was staring at you because I was so excited to learn about your world and that goes the same for when I climbed in to your lap, the smell was that of all the books in the library and as for Spike, he left on his own accord. Heck, I didn't even know you would be showing up today." I looked at Twilight for a good long while, trying to decide if she was lieing, but all I saw in her eyes was the truth, so I asked,
"So you really weren't trying to rape me?" She shook her head violently and said,
"No! Why would you even jump to that conclusion and what were you saying about Celestia?" I grinned sheepishly and responded,
"Ha ha, well you see, one kind of leads to the other, but first off let me ask you how much do you really know about Celestia's sexual habits?" Twilight's snout wrinkled up in disgust and she said,
"I don't like to think about that to much, lets just say that she has wide and varying tastes, if the different creatures I have seen leaving her room throughout the years is any indicator." I slowly nodded, as this made a lot of sense in my mind and I said,
"Well, that hasn't changed, in fact, she asked me to mate with her at my party, but when I refused she just seemed to take it as a challenge. Anyway, do you remember that letter she sent me and how I am now going to the Gala?" Twilight nodded and I continued,
"After I shamed her for picking on you, she kind of got angry at me and told me that as punishment I had to go to the Gala, but not before saying how much it turned her on that I was strict with her. Anyway, long story short, your teacher is trying to seduce me and I do belief that I have only made it worse over time." Twilight looked dumbfounded and just sat for a while, then she finally said,
"I guess I can see how this is possible, I mean the two biggest turn on's for mares are a strong willed stallion and refusal to submit, seeing as most males are meek and lacking in such things." I looked at Twilight with a raised eyebrow and said,
"That is all kinds of messed up, so those that are unwilling are chased after by those that are denied? On my world, that would get you a restraining order and fast." Twilight laughed and said,
"I didn't say that it made any sense, It is just what most mares look for in a stallion, one that is aloof and able to take charge." I groaned and said,
"That's just my luck, I'm hunted by the most powerful creature on your planet and everything that comes out of my mouth makes her want me more." Twilight giggled at my pain and I just frowned at her until something unexpected happened, the front door burst off its hinges followed by all the other ponies I knew running in. Pinkie Pie bellowed out,
"Get your sticky little hooves off of James, Twilight; I called dibs remember, so you better not be doing what I think your doing!" I chose to ignore this over the much more pressing matter of how a team of ponies were breaking and entering, meanwhile Pinkie looked at us and smiled before continuing,
"Oh thank Celestia, I thought you might really be raping him." Twilight looked appalled once again and said,
"Why does every pony think that I would actually do that, I'm not that kind of mare! Anyway, why are you all here?" everyone piled in to the room and Pinkie opened her mouth once again,
"You see, I was walking by, minding my own business, when I heard James here scream that you were going to rape him. Thinking fast, I rounded up the rest of the girls to help stop you and then burst in here to make sure you weren't doing something like that." Twilight sighed at this and proceeded to tell everyone in the room what really happened, and at the end of it, one rainbow manned pony was giggling away, before she could finally make out words,
"eh hahahaha, oh my goddess Twilight, that is hilarious, only someone like you would get all hot and bothered at the prospect of getting to learn something new.... Bahahaha." The rest shortly followed and the room rung with laughter, meanwhile Twilight's face was a bright glowing red, like a cherry. After all the laughing died down, Twilight asked another question,
"Did any other pony hear James yell that I was raping him?" Pinkie shook her head no and Twilight sighed in relief before saying,
"Well that's a plus, but I don't think I have ever been more embarrassed in my entire life and all I wanted to do was learn about a new world." and with that being said she looked down sadly at the floor and the whole group felt remorse for laughing, but I felt the worst, like the worlds largest ass, so I said,
"Oh man, I'm sorry Twilight, I just didn't know, tell you what, why don't I tell you all about my world right now?" This seemed to perk Twilight right up and she said,
"Really? That would be wonderful." at which point she climbed back in to my lap and I let her for I knew how bad I hurt her. She pulled out a feathered pen as well as a notebook, seemingly out of nowhere, but I ignored this and started to run my hand down her back, which she seemed to really enjoy. So I started to tell them about everything on my world, from the giant buildings that reached in to the sky to flying machines and other amazing human creations. It turns out that ponies have some technology, but for the most part I would say that they are where the human race was about sixty years ago, but oddly enough they have been at this level of tech for the last couple of hundred years, which I found to be very interesting, if not all that useful. Anyway, I had been going on for a few hours when I noticed Twilight's purple aura just stop while writing mid sentence and her head hit my lap, followed by cute little snores. I giggled uncontrollably and poked Twilight who awoke and said,
"I'm so sorry James, it's just that what you are doing with your hands feels so very good, it is like having a massage and I guess I just sort of passed out." She had a sheepish grin while saying this and I had an overwhelming urge to hug her, so I did.
While hugging her I said,
"All you ponies are just so adorable... its just not fair, it must be an evolutionary trait that keeps predators from eating you or something." Twilight had a thoughtful look upon her face after I said this and I just smiled at her adorkablness, that is until Rainbow Dash asked a question that I had been fearing would come up.
"So I was wondering, how in the hay did you manage to get here, I mean out of all the technology that you told us about, you never once mentioned the ability to travel to other worlds." I sighed loudly and let the cat out of the bag about how their reality was a T.V. show on my world, which got results I wasn't expecting. Rainbow, Rarity, and Pinkie looked excited, Twilight looked like she was going to have a nerdgasm, Applejack didn't seem to really react at all and Fluttershy, well she just hide behind a potted plant, ah typical Fluttershy. Taking a moment, I asked,
"So no one going to freak out, except for Fluttershy that is, I mean I just revealed that your lives are viewed as entertainment, like a book someone wrote, and for that matter so is mine. So no existential freak out, no refusing to believe, nothing?" Twilight answered for the group,
"We all know we are real and since we have watched you just disappear from time to time, we believe you are telling the truth, so yeah." I sighed and said,
"Alright fine, but please try not to interact with the audience, I mean I have to live in my world and if they figure out we are real, I will have some serious problems." The girls agreed, but then Rainbow continued to make my life complicated by asking,
"So can we visit your world right now?" I gasped and said,
"What? Noooo! That is a terrible idea. So many bad things could happen with you in my world, I can't just allow that to happen with a clear conscious." I made a good argument, but sadly it wasn't good enough comparatively to the counter argument, which consisted of a room full of sad, pleading pony faces. I whispered under my breath,
"Oh son of a bitch, fine, fine, we can visit my world, but only my house, you all get that?" The group nodded, well, all accept for Fluttershy, she was still behind the plant, but Rainbow pulled her over in to the group and with that they waited for me to act. I hung my head as I pulled out my remote and told the ponies to grab on to me, for that seemed to be the best bet for making the trip work, they all obliged and I pressed return.
Meanwhile at the Carousel Boutique
"Hello? Is anypony there, umm... where did you guys go? I'm going to eat all of these gems on this dress, If somepony doesn't show up soon. No Pony, no pony at all? Oh well, I tried." and with that Spike started to happily eat the gems off of a dress Rarity had been making.
Ten minutes later on Earth
I remembered the trip and even landing on my bed, but after that my mind drew a blank, that is until I found out I was covered in ponies and had a large bruise on my forehead. I guess traveling in a group is a dangerous way of doing things, or at least until I learned how to do it better. Anyway, turns out that these ponies aren't really all that heavy, for I was able to move them off of me with just a little effort, but what I found next was kind of shocking. The ponies had taken on more detailed forms, still extremely adorable, but now they look almost like a cross between a medium sized dog and large stuffed animal, it was rather surreal. Then they woke up and oh my God did they freak the hell out, Twilight cast a shield around herself, Applejack and Dash started screaming at each other, Rarity found my full length mirror and just stared with a slack jaw, Pinkie started defying the laws of reality and no I'm not going to define what she did, it's better for my sanity that way, and finally Fluttershy, she looked around my room for a potted plant to hide behind, but when one could not be found she just hide under my sheets on my bed. I opened my mouth and screamed,
"Enough!" (on a side note, I like using the word "enough" for situations like these, I find it has just the right amount of control without being overly scary or abusive. The more you know.) All eyes fell on me and I started off with,
"Okay, I understand that maybe I should have explained what would happen when you got here, so sorry, that's my bad, but there is no point in crying over spilled milk. Now I know you are all wondering what just happened, so here is it, I live on another plain of existence that is different from your own, that is why everything looks so odd to all of you, so calm down and just take a deep breath, for everything is going to be just fine." Everyone did in fact start to calm down, that is, except for a certain pony under my sheets, who was shaking like a leaf. I rushed over and said,
"Fluttershy? Are you alright?" I got a very quite "no" in response and I very slowly sat next to her on the bed. She continued to shake as I pulled off the sheet and pulled her in to a hug (because hugs solve all of life's worst problems) and I softly said over and over,
"It's okay, you are fine, no one is going to hurt you." meanwhile I stroked her back, which seemed to get her to relax and finally everything was in a calm state, or so I thought. Light moans could be heard from Fluttershy and her wings which I had been stroking started to extend, I looked around the room while this was happening and noticed a few blushes and snickering so I asked,
"Alright, whats going on?" Everyone averted there eyes except for Rarity who managed to get out,
"Umm, dear, you may want to stop stroking Fluttershy's wings, for you see, oh how should I put this...they are an erogenous zone." My eyes opened wide and then my hands flew off of Fluttershy's wings and I started to apologize profusely, but Fluttershy gave a light smile and said,
"It's okay, you didn't know, and I don't feel nearly as afraid now." And with that she removed herself out of my hug and move over to the rest of the group, all the while having a warm blush upon her face. Pinkie on the other hand stared daggers at Fluttershy, but Fluttershy just smiled sheepishly back. I looked on uneasily at this turn of events, but I powered through it, saying,
"Umm, right, so welcome to the planet Earth, but more precisely my bedroom..." Just then my door opened and my Mother said,
"Hey James, I wanted to tell you that......................................umm, am I interrupting anything?" I looked over with my jaw hanging open and tried to come up with something to say, but than Twilight decided that it was a great idea to say something,
"Hello mama, my name is Twil..."
"AHHHHHHH, HOLY CRAP IT TALKS!"
"Hey I'm not an it, as I was saying my name is"
"JAMES, GET YOUR GUN AND KILL IT, WHY ARE YOU JUST STARING?!" I facepalmed and tried to think of the best way to deal with this, but then Pinkie decided to intervene as well,
"Hi! My name is Pinkie Pie and I'm a super duper big friend of your son, he is really nice. Did you know that... well duh, look who I'm asking, you're his mother so of course you know, but that would be really weird if you didn't. I mean you would have to know almost nothing about him to not know that he is nice... oh maybe you have been separated from birth and are just now meeting him for the first time. Oh boy, that would be so touching, just like this one time when I got my cutie mark, hmm, do human even get cutie marks?" My mom looked at Pinkie with a confused look and asked,
"uhh, I don't...umm, what?" Well leave it to Pinkie to defuse the situation with the power of pure randomness. This did give me enough time to come up with something to say,
"Mom I need you to stop freaking out and sit down, oh and don't worry they aren't going to hurt you." She nodded lamely and took a seat on the opposite wall, free of ponies. I continued,
"Okay, to start with, I want you to hold all your questions until I'm done, no screaming, no running away and just know that everything is perfectly fine." she nodded,
"Good, now then, it all started a few weeks back..."
Half an hour later
"...and that is why I now have a room full of ponies." I had held back the sexual parts, for I knew that she wouldn't be able to handle them, hell I could hardly handle them, but other than that, I gave her a complete retelling and she seemed to accept what I said and even followed every word that came out of my mouth like they were from God's lips. Although throughout the whole telling my mom had been eying Pinkie Pie with what I would describe as wonderment and at the end she said,
"So wait, does that mean that the first show was real as well?" I nodded and my mother screamed and continued,
"Do you know how much I enjoyed that show as a little girl? I still have the collectables in a box in the attic and you're telling me that it is all real? Well there is nothing for it, you, the pink one." Pinkie looked around before pointing a hoof at herself with a look of wonder. My mother nodded and said,
"Come over here." Pinkie jumped up and walked over like it was no big deal, before finding herself in a massive hug, (yes it runs in the family) and my mother stated,
"This is for every little girl that ever wanted to hug one of your kind and brush your mane." Pinkie giggled at this and oddly enough, the rest of the girls joined in on the hug, which even I found kind of sappy.
"Okay, enough with the hugging, I know how great hugs are but even I think this is getting excessive." For this I got a few Glares, but everyone separated and we returned to business. My mother had a thought and asked,
"So why are you all here?" Rarity answered,
"Well we wanted to see the world where James came from and seeing as James can't say no to a cute face, here we are." My mother laughed at this and responded,
"Yes, he has always had a problem with that, why I remember this one time that..." I stopped her right away and yelled out,
"NO! I know what story you are going to tell and there is no way in hell." She sighed, but relented and instead said,
"I wouldn't want to embarrass my son in front of his new friends, so instead I will show you his baby photos, tehe." she left the room and my eyes widened to the size of dinner plates as I said,
"What?! You can't be serious... mom, come back here... mom?! Ugh, l knew I should have burned those damn things when I had the chance." and with that said she came back in with an old photo album, after which all the ponies gathered round with excited looks upon there faces. I sighed for what seemed to be my tenth time today and looked on as comments like,
"You were just so adorable, are all human babies this cute?" and,
"Oh look at your cute little bum, oh ho ho and your little wee wee, you were so small back then, how precious." I buried my face in to my hands and moaned, 'I'm not sure what I did in a past life but it must have been unforgivable.' I thought as "aww's" and "ohhh's" were tossed about. This went on for some time, but then Fluttershy came up to me and leaned shoulder to shoulder with me while saying,
"You know she loves you right? I can tell by how much she treasures those photos, so don't be to angry with her, okay?" I nodded and said,
"I know, this is just what parents do, I just wish it she didn't take so much pleasure from it." Fluttershy giggled and nuzzled my cheek, which I thought was rather bold for someone as shy as her, but I payed no mind. With that I got up and said,
"Well girls, this has been... interesting but I'm sure you all have lives you have to get back too, so I better get you all back home." A loud group moan was heard, but after this there was begrudging agreement that they all in fact had things they had to do. So my mother said goodbye and we headed back, conveniently landing in the library and no one got hurt this time, which was a plus.
"Well girls, today didn't exactly go as I imagined, but there were a few fun parts, anyway I will see you all next week." With that we all parted ways and I learned a few valuable lessons, never assume your friend is trying to rape you, because they deserve the benefit of the doubt and your parents will undoubtedly embarrass you, given the opportunity.
Nothing really interesting happened during the week, I went to my job and weekly college classes, Cooked some food, swung a sword around as a form of exercise (it really is invigorating, as long as you don't take off a limb), all in all, just sort of meh. I did have a conversation with my mom about whether or not she could come and visit Equestria, but we agreed that it was just to dangerous, however I did agreed to bring over ponies every now and then, she was quite happy about that. So life went on, until Friday rolled along and as soon as work ended I decided I would visit Ponyville, I was excited. When I got there I lost some of my excitement, for I had landed in front of Twilight's door once again and Sunday still left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. I slowly tried to inch my way away from the door when it opened wide and out stepped Twilight,
"James! You are just the human I was looking for, I was hoping get some samples, maybe do a few experiments, I mean, it's not every day you get to examine a completely unknown species." I cringed and said,
"didn't I give you enough info on Sunday?" Twilight shook her head furiously and returned,
"That was just general knowledge, I'm talking about an in depth study, oh come on, it will be super fun." I backed away some more while stating,
"umm, no, I can't right now, or ever, I have a fear of being dissected by purple unicorns, so sorry Twilight." Such a sad look crossed Twilight's face that I was forced to look away and every time I looked back it was like someone was hitting me with a frying pan.
"Oh come on Twilight, don't do that, I already told you I don't want to, there is no reason to pout........ please don't do that, I know you were looking forward to this but I, I, I......... ARRRGG, alright fine, but we are only going to do this for a little while, understand?" A bright and sparkly smile graced her face and I swear I heard a squeeing noise, but I was too busy being terrified, for I had no idea what she wanted to do to me. It started out simple enough, first she took a clipping of my hair and swabbed the inside of my mouth with a cotton swab, but then she wanted a sample of my blood, which I wasn't to fond of. When she asked me to give her a urine and fecal matter sample, I protested quite loudly, but in the end she got what she wanted, however I did draw the line when she asked me for a sample of my semen.
"There is no way in hell you are getting a cup of my sperm Twilight, I wanted to draw the line at the last one in fact, but there ain't no way this is going down." Twilight whined at me and gave me her very best sad face before responding,
"But James, I need this to properly classify your species, It shouldn't take more than a few minutes anyway, Please!" I stomped my foot and said,
"No way, no how, I mean, didn't we already have this conversation on Sunday?" Twilight looked indignant and argued,
"I'm not trying to seduce you, I just want a cup of your semen." I gave a deadpan look and continued,
"I don't know, it sounds pretty seductive, are you sure you aren't just trying to get in to my pants?" Twilight had the decency to blush, but responded,
"Well, I am going to need you to take off all your cloths so that I can get clear pictures of what your kind look like, but this is all just for science, I swear."
"That's it, were done." and with that I started to walk towards the door until twilight screamed out,
"Wait! please don't go...... I guess we can hold off on the semen sample, but can we at least get the full body pictures?" I shook my head and said,
"I'm not taking off my cloths, we can take photos of me, but you are not getting any picks of me nude, I'm just not that type of guy. I can however get you a print out of both male and female humans in the buff back on my world, deal?" Twilight sighed, but said, "deal" and everything calmed down. After the photos, which wasn't in the nude (thank goodness), we went down in to the basement and Twilight strapped me in to a weird machine, but before that happened I asked,
"Okay, two things, One, no funny business, I know you can control yourself, but I don't want to wake up tomorrow with an ear tag, striped to nothing and wondering why my butt hurts so much. And number two, what does this machine do?" Twilight smirked at my little joke and said,
" Well first off It measures your blood pressure and magic levels, followed by taking a brain scan and full body scan as well. It will examine your muscle capability, body durability, and the strength of your bones." I gave the machine a once over and said,
"Wow, it doesn't look that complicated and I thought you said that your level of technology wasn't that advanced." She smiled at this and responded,
"It's not, It really doesn't do that much, it is the magic parts that do most of the work." I laughed and said,
"Pff, magic, I should have guessed." Twilight raised an eyebrow, but didn't comment and turned on the machine. After a lot of buzzing and flashing lights the machine shut down and I was free to move around, meanwhile Twilight looked over the papers coming out. She slowly started to frown and it grew ever deeper, until she shouted,
"This isn't possible, you have absolutely no magical energy.... you shouldn't even be alive without a magical pulse. I mean magic is what helps the spark of life, it allows the body to heal at amazing rates, it even gives the ability for species like the Manticore and Cockatrice to exist." It was my turn to smile and I responded,
"Yeah, well humans don't have any form of magic, we have ancient legends about it, but no real evidence of it really existing. Hell, I freaked out pretty bad when I figured out that magic was real here, among other things." Twilight continued to frown and said,
"How can this be? Magic permeates the very air and soil of this world, and for you to be void of it, well it goes against nature and understanding." I gave another deadpan look and said,
"I'm an alien from another reality, remember?" she responded,
"Yes, however I could feel the magic on your planet, it was alien and much more violent, but it was still their." My eyes opened wide with shock and I asked,
"Wait, really? Then how is that possible?" Twilight sighed and said,
"I have no idea, but I intend to find out, no matter how long it takes." With that said we went back upstairs and Twilight started experimenting with beakers and unknown liquids, all the while completely ignoring me. I was fine with this and sat back, knowing that I was no longer what Twilight was focused on. This allowed my mind to wander and I found a certain pink pony creeping in to the library, I also found it humorous that Twilight didn't even see her, even though she was very visible, but I guess ponies just aren't very perceptive. I waved at Pinkie and said,
"Hi Pinkie, how's it going?" Pinkie stopped creeping and looked up with a surprised look, but once she saw me she smiled a mile wide and responded,
"Oh, hey Jamesy Wamesy, me and Dashie are pulling a prank on Twilight, it's going to be super duper funny." I smiled at this and returned,
"Ahh, alright then, good luck with that." all of this seemed to go unnoticed by Twilight, as if she couldn't hear us just a few feet away, but whatever. Pinkie switched out a bowl of ink with something that I was pretty sure was disappearing ink, she then ran outside and watched from the window with an excited Rainbow Dash. I continued to watch as Twilight proceeded to fall for the prank, leading to one of her experiments exploding, but oddly enough she took it in stride. I could see and hear the pranksters laughing like it was the funniest thing on the planet, then they ran off still giggling. I looked over at Twilight and asked,
"Hey Twilight, I'm going to go and see what someone else is up to, is that okay with you?" Twilight looked up from her experiment with little interest and said,
"huu, what? oh, yeah, go ahead, whatever." I nodded and walked out the door, passing a hiccuping Spike as I walked down the road. I thought about who I should go see among my limited group of friends, I choose Fluttershy. I walked for a few minutes, all the while ponies either ran away or just gave me the stink eye, which was an upgrade from having the entire town flee in terror, I guess my PR was getting better. When I got to Fluttershy's place, I noticed that she was outside feeding a multitude of animals, all the while singing to them like she was a Disney princess. As I got closer the animals alerted her to my presence, making her blush in embarrassment at being seen singing, but she put on a smile and waved to me. I gave a devious smile and said,
"My, my Fluttershy, not only are you supremely kindhearted, cute as cute can be and beautiful to boot, but you can sing like a nightingale as well. You better watch out or stallions might burst down your door just trying to get you to marry them." If her face was red before, it was practically on fire now, as she hide her face behind her hair, but still smiling it seemed, at my flirtatious attitude. 'Operation: make Fluttershy blush like a schoolgirl, successful' I thought as I walked the rest of the way over. What really amazed me was the fact that the animals gathered around weren't afraid of me, in fact they seemed to crowed around my feet and a few of them scurried up my legs. Now, I am sure that most people would find this terrifying, but I have never been afraid of animals (even when it was a good idea to be afraid) and I enjoyed this display of playful critters. With a squirrel in my open palms I said,
"One thing is for sure, the animals on your planet are a lot more bold than the ones on my planet. I like it, it's refreshing and what's more, it seems to defy animal instinct, I mean I'm a predator and yet this squirrel is acting like I am some sort of tree." Fluttershy giggled at this as her blush lessened and she responded,
"They look to me for who to trust and since I didn't show fear neither did they... wait, did you say you were a predator?" I noticed her slightly shy away and I immediately said,
"Well, by definition I'm am apex predator, but only in definition, I have in fact never hunted or killed an animal in my entire life. Granted I do eat meat, but the animals I eat it from don't even show half the intellect that even this squirrel does, and as a species, we humans tend to only eat animals that aren't very smart. Not that really makes it any better, pain is still pain, but as a race that has to eat meat every now and then to survive, it is how we make due. You see we are omnivores and... am I boring you?" Fluttershy held up a hoof over her mouth and stifled a yawn while saying,
"oh no, I found all of that very interesting." I laughed at this and said,
"Well, to wrap it all up, We eat meat but never anything that is smart, for the most part." She nodded and said,
"That's good, but as you can see I have to get back to feeding the animals." As with this, she got back to it, but I asked,
"do you mind if I help?" Looking very surprised and a bit flustered, Fluttershy turned back around and said,
"umm... I... well...I mean, no pony ever wants to help me with my animals, but I guess...that is if you want to." I continued to smile at this and said,
"As you can see I'm not a pony and I would very much so like to help you." She smile through another blush and proceeded to show me what to do, so we got to it, but a little way through I asked,
"Hey, Fluttershy? Would you mind singing again, I was really enjoying listening to you." It was almost too easy to get Fluttershy to blush, even when I wasn't trying she would do so, and this was for almost anything. Anyway she responded,
"Oh, I couldn't do that, it would be much to embarrassing."
"Nonsense, look I'll even start us off and you can join me as we work." and with that I started to sing in a baritone voice. I continued for a few minutes and I was wondered if she would join me, but then I heard her start to sing and it really was beautiful.
So on we went, until we got to a pond where the fish just came out of the water and seemed to smile at Fluttershy (I found it creepy but also endearing that Fluttershy was even loved by the local fish.) That was when I noticed a poorly made fake turtle poking out of the water, so I looked at it for a few minutes just trying to figure out why it was their. I soon found out why when I heard arguing across the pond and saw two pranksters (for real man, ponies can be really loud, even when they aren't trying to be). I could hear what they were saying, and it pertained to how Fluttershy was too innocent, which I completely agreed with so I decided to take the bullet, as it were. I put my head next to the turtle and yelled,
"Hello little fella, you sure are a funny looking one, maybe I should get closer to you!" I waited for the attack to commence, which it did and I got a face full of water, while hearing massive laughter before I yelled out again,
"Pffffff, cough, cough, oh ho, a wise guy huu, maybe I should look you in the eye and see what you think of that!" When I got it close to my eye I was blasted again, meanwhile the laughter got louder and I continued,
"Ah that didn't stop you, A? Well maybe if I put you up to my other eye!" The results were the same and by this time I could hear Fluttershy laughing from behind me, which only egged me on more,
"Want to play rough, maybe if I put your head in my mouth and show you my teeth, you will be scare!" I got fully blasted in the mouth and screamed out,
"Pfffff....pfffff...cough, cough, cough, ehh hum, you win this round little turtle, but I'll get you next time!" as I put it back in to the water I could hear uproarious pony laughter, which was like music to my ears. I smiled like a lunatic while waiting for all the laughter to die down and when I turned around I found Fluttershy looking at me with a warm smile of her own after which she said,
"That was a very nice thing to do." I laughed and said
"And it was totally worth it, I love to make others laugh." This set the vibe for the rest of the day of helping Fluttershy and left me a warm happy feeling inside.
The Next Day
I got a late start the next day and hurried back to make sure I was apart of the show, for I didn't want the viewers to get any ideas. As I ran in to town, I noticed Pinkie sitting at a table in front of the sugar cube corner and she seemed to be watching something, but I wasn't sure what. I pulled up a seat and asked,
"Hey Pinkie, what's up?" She looked at me for a few seconds and then went back to watching what I could now make out to be some sort of lion? or maybe a giant eagle? Then it hit me, it was a freaking Griffon, that is amazing, then Pinkie said,
"I am watching Gilda the Griffon (called it) and so far she has proven to be a big meanie, I wanted to see what she was up too." So we watched as Gilda proceeded to be a grade A bitch, not to mention a thief, and just continued on her war path until she got to Fluttershy. As soon as she started to yell at Fluttershy, I was out of my seat and on a bee line to the big turkey, then I stopped her mid rant.
"Hey! Lay off Fluttershy, she didn't mean to bump in to you." Gilda looked at me with a sneer and responded,
"Oh, what do we have here? A big fur less monkey, here to protect its master? How hilarious, anyway, move aside monkey, I was yelling at someone better than you." My eyebrows shot in to my hairline and then returned just as fast in to a scowl. I could feel the rational side of my brain give way to the much more base and bestial, but I fought for control as I responded with venom,
"Oh, I'm not so much a monkey as an ape, have you ever seen a gorilla? Yeah, that is pretty close, now have you ever seen a gorilla tear apart a predator? No? Well you see, we grab the predator by two limbs, in this case, lets say your wings and we will pull with all our might until we tear off the limbs. After this is done, we will smash both our arm in to the enemy until it passes out, and then finally die's, most likely from a hemorrhaged brain. Now do you catch my drift?" I put as much steel in to my eyes and bared my teeth at her as if I was a wolf, all in the hope that she would back down, for I knew that I wouldn't be able to actually fight her, I mean come on, she is a freaking Griffon for Pete's sake. Luckily my little ploy bore fruit and Glida stepped back, saying that "she was too cool for all of this" before flying away. I sighed in relief and turned around to find Fluttershy on the ground whimpering, which made me ask,
"Are you alright? She didn't hurt you did she?" she continued to whimper before saying,
"You were very scary, did you really mean all of that?" I looked ashamed and responded,
"Oh no Fluttershy, I would never do something like that, it was all just a bluff, I just didn't want her to hurt you. Please don't be afraid, you never need to fear me, I would never do something like that to any of you ponies." She looked up at me with big soulful eyes, then she gave me a hug-tackle, all the while crying and I returned the hug full force, while stoking her mane. I heard a large Awww noise and immediately I looked around to find a large group of ponies with sappy looks on their faces, so begrudgingly I pulled out of the hug, all the while looking embarrassed. Pinkie rushed up and said,
"That was amazing, I have never seen a pony intimidate a Griffon before." I smiled and responded,
"You still haven't, I'm a human." She smiled back and said,
"Ha, good one James, now we to throw her a party to make sure she changes her attitude." I looked at Pinkie with a doubting expression and asked,
"How will that work?" She just ignored me however and we proceeded over to the party that was somehow already set up. Luckily for me, most of the ponies were the ones that had witnessed the little spat and now they seemed to be able to accept me, even though it seemed odd to me. Somehow Pinkie managed to get a message out to Gilda to join her at party within the time it took to walk back over to the Sugar Cube Corner, but I guess that was just how Pinkie rolled, that is to say, without boundaries like time and space. Anyway I started the party by heading over to the food and looking for something to eat, what I found were some vanilla lemon drops and holy crap was it a bad choice. My mouth burned with the intensity of the sun and I yelled out,
"Oh God! My mouth is on fire!" with this said, I rushed over to the punch bowl and filled a cup, but it seemed to be a trick cup and spilled on my shirt, so I dropped the cup and dunked my head in to the bowl, drinking as much as I could. When I pulled out I noticed that all the ponies were laughing at me and I grinned sheepishly, that is until I noticed that Gilda saw me as well. She smirked at me and we both knew that I wasn't a bad as I had lead her to believe, 'well crap' I thought as I walked away. The odds seemed to balance out and Gilda opened a can of spring loaded snakes, which brought a vindictive smile to my face, which Gilda frowned at. I saw a another theme going and sure enough the next prank was with the candles on the cake, the ones that never go out. I laughed at this, but cut her some slack before she became to embarrassed, simply by wetting my fingers and stopping them one by one. She gave me a funny look and I said,
"Trick candles, they can only be put on in a certain way, seems like you were the lucky one to find this prank." With that said she just sneered at me again and we continued on. Gilda seemed to be in a seriously bitchy mood and continued to try and mess with anyone in her way, namely Rarity and a game she wanted to play. Rarity wanted to play Pin the tale on the pony, Gilda yanked the tail out of Rarity's hooves and called the first turn. I watched as the idiot seemed to throw caution to the wind and ignored Pinkie's warnings of going the wrong way, and just as she was about to step on some spilled cake, I stopped her. Sometimes I am too much of a nice guy and it seemed that this was one of these times, for once I stopped her, she pulled off her blindfold and proceeded to yell at me,
"What the heck are you doing you big dumb ape, I was doing fine until you stopped me."
"Oh yeah you stuffed turkey, then see for yourself, if I hadn't stopped you, you would have fallen right on your stupid ass." She looked down and saw the cake before looking back at me with surprise.
"You saved me... I don't get you, first you threaten me, even though I know you don't have to power to back it up and then you stop me from looking like a fool, what's your game?" I shrugged and said,
"No game, you threatened my friend before and I was protecting her, but I didn't really have any animosity toward you, no when I want you dead, I won't up and tell you, I'll just do it." For some reason this brought a smile to her face and she responded,
"hmm, you're much cooler than I give you credit for, so much so that I think I might take you as a mate, to bad I can't right now, since I have to go back to Gryphus, but when I come back I think that I will enact the claiming wright and you will be mine. Until we meet again, James." With that Gilda walked towards the door and yelled out,
"Later dweebs" before flying away and leaving me in a stupor. Several minutes passed, until I finally asked Twilight,
"What's a claiming Wright? and why do I suddenly feel like carrying my gun with me from now on?" Twilight looked at me strangely before saying,
"It is a Griffon Ritual that tells all other individuals that, that mate belongs to the one that enacted the wright, sorry James." I said,
"It's alright Twilight." But in my head I was screaming 'What the fucking fuck, why the hell is this happening to me, It's like someone is purposely fucking with me! damn it, now I am going to have to carry a gun with me at all times.' I sighed loudly and ignored the insanity of what just happened before returning to the party, 'just hope I get a day that doesn't try to screw me over in equestria' I thought, sadly I wouldn't be granted that wish for quite a while, but that story is for another time.
Friday morning, two a.m. to be precise and I was getting ready to go to Ponyville, It was some odd holiday and I had an extra day to myself, but before I did that I was going to eat a burger I had just made. Now this wasn't your average, everyday burger, oh no... this was 'the best damn burger you would ever eat and still be alive afterwards' burger.
Let me break it down for you... the bun was a fresh baked cheesy roll, the kind that you find in the bakery of the supermarket... yeah you know that one I'm talking about. Then we have 'open pit' barbeque sauce on the bottom, mayonnaise on the top. I'll build the burger up from the bottom up so you can get an image in your head, first, the bottom bun, then fresh cleaned spinach and a few dill pickles followed by the perfectly cut tomato slices. After this we have the hamburger itself, made from ground London Broil (a rather dry meat, unless you know how you cook it right) which is cooked with soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, balsamic vinegar, red wine, dill, garlic powder, curry powder, black pepper, and a pinch of salt. Melted on top is a slice of blue cheese with bacon after that and then the middle bun. That's right, this is a double decker... as if the best damn burger wouldn't be one, but I digress.
Anyway, we have fried Portobello mushroom slices followed by the second hamburger patty, which has Pepperjack cheese melted on this one. After even more bacon, a few avocado slices and a few onion rings, we top it off with the last bun to complete this God of burgers. It is by far my favorite burger to make and eat, with a prep and cook time of about an hour, give or take, but I only have one every now and then... because of how fatty it is (wouldn't want to have a heart attack now, would I).
I bet you're asking "James, why would you describe how to make this wonderful burger too me? This has absolutely nothing to do with ponies and that is the only reason I came here." Well, shut your stupid face, I'm getting to that part, you impatient bastard... I mean, how rude can you get?
So as I was saying, I was just about to eat my burger while I watched some T.V. when I noticed something terrifying on my screen. Instead of animal planet, which I had left it on when I left the room, it was just a picture of Pinkie Pie, smiling like the Cheshire cat. For anyone that doesn't get why this is terrifying, well, come on, for one thing, she definitely shouldn't have been on my T.V. at that point in time and for another, her eyes were following me around the room. I decided to set my food down on my table and find out what the hell was going on, which wasn't easy when I didn't want to get any closer to the screen, so very cautiously I asked,
"Pinkie... is that you?" Her head nodded vigorously before she answered,
"Hi Jamie, guess what? I figured out how to travel to your world, all it took was for you to show me the way. Now I can come here whenever I want and visit my favorite human in the whole wide world, well that is after I pass through this final wall." with that said, she immediately started to press forward with her hoof and my screen seemed to bend outward, as if it was plastic wrap. My mind went in to panic mode as I imagined the walls of reality breaking down and a black hole tearing in to existence from where Pinkie exerted her mind bending abilities. I opened my mouth to scream in gut wrenching fear, but I didn't get the chance because Pinkie pushing her way through right then and it was as if she was pulling herself out of a pool of water, all the while, going from a 2D cartoon character, to a 3D, well defined, pink pony alien within seconds. I slowly calmed down before sighing in relief and said,
"Oh thank God, no universal shattering today, thank you very much...wait a minute. Pinkie! How in the hell did you do that?!" Pinkie just giggled for a few seconds before finally responding,
"Well you see, when you showed me that portal thingy, I was able to figure out where it was located and was just a matter of time before I was able to reopen it up with my hooves, just like my Pinkie portals. I found out one day that all of reality is just an illusion and all we have to do to is think beyond the limitations set in place by those on higher planes. Reality is in fact just a lump of hardened cheese and..." I shoved me hand over Pinkie's mouth and shouted,
"Enough, no more, I get it... but for a future reference, never tell anyone else about how you do what you can to do. They might just throw you on to a funny farm and nobody needs that, especially the guys running the place. Now, I am going to forget about what you just told me, watch my television and eat my burger." Pinkie's ears perked up and she immediately focused on my burger, before she rushed over and stared at it with hunger in her eyes. I felt rather uneasy as Pinkie eye raped my burger before she asked,
"Mmmm, that looks really yummy, can I have a bite?"
"Oh geez Pinkie, that is a really bad id..." Before I could complete sentence, Pinkie interrupted me and said,
"Oh thank you James, I didn't eat breakfast this morning and this smells really good." And with that she took my burger and took a big bite out of it, crewing happily for a few seconds, before slowing to a crawl. Her eyes opened as wide as I had ever seen then and her pupils shrunk down to pin points as a large blush spread over her cheeks. She swallowed the bite and a saucy grin graced her lips before she mauled the rest of my burger, making noises that sounded vaguely like a lion. After she finished eating, she sat back on my couch, all the while her eyes rolled back in to her head and her tongue lulled out of her mouth with the smile still on her lips. I could clearly hear contented noises escape her as she twitched sporadically. A single tear left my eye as I mourned my burger, but I had larger things to worry about.
"Pinkie, umm, I really don't know how to tell you this, but that had a large amount of meat in it." I slowly said as I backed away, while waiting for a extreme freakout, which never came. What did happen was very strange, Pinkie seemed to come out of her comma like state and had a very confused look on her face, just sitting for several seconds. Then her face flashed through a huge number of expressions in this order: disgust, fear, guilt, self-loathing, wonderment, guilty pleasure, want, hunger, conflict and then finally acceptance. Slowly she looked up at me and then said,
"Can I have another one?" A large frown graced my face before I responded,
"What!? No, you can't have another one!" Pinkie then gave her best pout and continued,
"Why not? That was one of the most yummy things I have ever eaten and I have eaten a lot of things." I facepalmed and returned,
"Well for one thing, I have no idea what the meat would do to a herbivore's body and for another this meat came from a pig and a cow. It would scar your little pony brain, just in knowing that you were willingly eating another animal, not forgoing the burger you just ate. Also, it took me about an hour to make that burger and I was going to eat it, until you decided to go all crazy and ignore me." She crossed her hooves over her chest, still pouting and said,
"I'm sorry I ate your food, but I honestly don't care about any of that other stuff. I want another one!" I sighed and responded,
"Alright fine, I'll make you a deal, if you can help cook the meat without being grossed out I'll do it, but if you fail, no burger for you." She nodded eagerly and ran in to the kitchen with me, all the while humming happily, but I was sure to change that right quickly. I pulled out the hamburger meat and started my lecture,
"Alright, to begin with, this is made from ground up cow, I'm not sure what part, but it is probably off of the leg or something like that. I'm going to need you to smell the meat to make sure if it is still fresh, it it smells sour then it has gone bad." Pinkie gave a grimace and started to sweat, but she did as I asked, slowly taking a big whiff. Her face started to turn a slight shade of green but she continued and told me that it didn't smell sour. I then continued my instructions,
"Alright I'm going to need you to wash your hooves and then we can form the patties." She did as I asked and then joined me at the counter.
"Alright, take a wade of meat, about this much." I held up some meat, "and kneed it until it all sticks together, once this is done, flatten it out until it resembles a pancake." Pinkie's face continued to get greener as she went, but she refused to quit, it almost made me want to just make her the burger, almost. Once we were done with the patties, I moved on to the bacon and said,
"This is bacon, it is from a pig's flank, as you can see it has a good distribution of muscle and fat, we cook this first because it creates a lot of greases to cook the hamburgers in." At this point pinkie's face had the shading of a watermelon as she slowly backed away before admitting defeat, thank God too because I did not want to be the guy that gave birth to a meat eating breed of ponies (ever heard of "The horses of Diomedes"? didn't really turn out so well for him). I told her to wait in the living room and continued to make my burger, luckily I still had a lot of left overs and was able to make two more burgers in just twenty minutes. I pulled out the second burger and placed it before Pinkie and said,
"I respect how dedicated you were and I decided to make you burger after all. This one is guilt free, as in no meat, I replaced the patties with whole, fried, Portobello mushrooms, but sadly no bacon." She smiled up at me and returned,
"That is super sweet of you James, but I don't think I could eat anything right now. I think I'll save it for later." then she grabbed it and shoved it in to her hair, as if it made any sort of sense. I shrugged it off and ate my burger, all the while Pinkie kept glancing over at my meal, as if it was incredibly interesting. 'I hope this whole meat eating thing doesn't become a big stupid ordeal, well, here is to hoping.' I thought as I finally finished and got ready to go.
"Pinkie I'm going to go to Ponyville now and I'm guessing you would like to hang out, so would you like to join me?" She nodded happily and said,
"Let's do it." So I grabbed my remote and away we went.
We landed in Twilight's library of all places and what we found was rather hilarious. Laying on the ground was a severely surprised Twilight, but this wasn't the funny part, no, what was funny was the baby dragon that was sporting a big black mustache. This was the kind of mustache that you would find on either a 1970's porn star, an evil cartoon villain from the eighties, or a stereotypical Italian man. I tried valiantly to stop the laughter, but it came none the less and I was soon rolling around on the ground laughing my ass off, along with Pinkie who also found it rather funny. Spike gave me a deadpan look, but this just made it more fantastic, I mean it was a small bipedal dragon with a Mario stash, but then I came up with a great idea.
"Ahahahahaha, oh God, my ribs, ha ha ha, 'giggle snort', ha ha... oh oh man wait right here, I'll be right back." and with that I teleported back to my house. Everyone looked at each other in confusion as they waited for me to return and after a minute I did just that. In my hand was a certain hat that I owned, I'll give you a hint, it was red and had a big "M" on the front (yeah that's right, I'm a big nerd, what of it?)
I walked up to Spike and dropped the hat on his head before bursting back in to a giggle fit, all the while everyone else looked on with confusion. After my laughter wore down, I asked,
"Ha.... ha.... oh boy, Spike, can you do something for me? Say, 'It'sa me a Mario!', that would just make my day, maybe even my whole week." He was still confused, but he decided to do as I asked and he said,
"Umm, It'sa me a Mario?"
I nearly died right then and there as all the air left my my body in great peals of laughter once again, but I finally regained my composure, that is, before I took a picture with my phone.
Once I was able to calm down and breathe, I noticed all the strange looks I was receiving, so I decided to explain.
"He looked a lot like a very famous plumber on my planet and with the hat it completed the look. The line I had Spike say was basically this guy's catch phrase, So yeah, you would just have to see what I'm talking about to fully get it." They all accepted this and let it go, meanwhile Twilight began to talk.
"Well as interesting as this all was, me a Spike were just about to go buy some quills, so umm... get out." I waited for some sort of punch line, but one never came, so I finally said,
"Wait, you're not joking? We have to leave the public library because you aren't here? What gives?" Twilight just responded,
"The rules are the rules and they state that the library can't be occupied by anypony if a staff member isn't present, so as I said, get out." I rolled my my eyes, but complied as I exited the premise, or in layman terms, I left.
As I walked down the street, listening to the chatter from the ponies and Spike, (oddly enough we were all headed in the same direction) I heard a warning called out to move out of the way, but sadly I wasn't fast enough. I saw an orange and blue blur rushing towards me, followed by me flying in to the air and smacking in to the ground face first. I awoke several minutes later to find little birds flying around my head, which provoked my response,
"Ha ha, look at all the pretty little birdies.... hello little guys." I continued to gaze with a daze, as I tried to lift my lofty haze, but alas I was stuck within the sticky glaze of my mental maze. I wasn't fazed by my rhyming craze, really I was just a little amazed (did I mention that I struck my head?). Suddenly I felt a hoof strike me as everything got a lot clearer and the little birds flew away, allowing me to focus on the concerned group looking down on me.
"Oh man, what happened? I feel like someone hit me in the head with a frying pan." Two little colts walked up with sheepish looks upon there faces, before the fat one spoke up,
"Sorry mister monster, I'm snips and that is snails and we were the ones that ran in to you... we really didn't mean to, honest." I sighed in exacerbation when I saw my reflection in a window pane, A huge red welt was visible right in the middle of my forehead, but I forgave them anyway.
"It's okay, just next time stop before you ram in to anyone else." Snips nodded furiously and I swear I could hear the sound of a single bean rattling around inside a tin can (that is some weird shit, by the way). then he said,
"We were just about to go see the great and powerful Trixie, she has the greatest magic in all of Equestria and is preforming for Ponyville." I just shrugged and returned,
"Okay, be careful." and with that we all continue to walk the same way as the colts. I start to wonder why a magician would be that big a deal when the whole world is full of magic, but then I figure that this 'Trixie' must be some sort of performer. As I finish my musings I find that the group I am with has been discussing something without me, 'Oh well, they were probably talking about the same thing as I was thinking about' I thought as we all seemed to gravitate towards a stage with a blue unicorn on it. She started to boast about how great she was, how great her magic was and all that jazz, but I wasn't really perturbed by this, however my friends on the other hand, started to complain loudly.
Meanwhile, Spike had walked up to Rarity, but something was very different about him (besides the sweet mustache), for he now had on a full suit of mushroom kingdom apparel. Yes, that's right, he somehow had managed to find the rest of the Mario costume and it confused me to no end because I had absolutely no idea where he got it. This however wasn't the strangest part for then he started to talk,
"Heya Rarity, It'sa me a mari- I mean Spike...uhhh that's odd, anyways, I wasa thinkin that we shoulda go backca to my place and I'll showa you this magic mushroom I a found, It makesa you grow mucha bigger, if you know what I mean." He said this while wiggling his eyebrows and Rarity blanched before asking,
"Oh Spike dear, are you feeling alright? You definitely don't sound like yourself and I don't think I have ever seen you wear these clothes before." Spike just smiled and responded,
"I feel great, thanksa for askin, so asa I was sayin, do you want to- Holy fire flowers! Isa that a Goomba?! Don't worry Rarity, I'lla takea care of this!" he said while pointing in a direction that clearly didn't contain any Goomba and then he Jumped away while making a bonging sound. I watched him go and I thought,
'Well crap, that can't be any good, maybe I should go after him? Naa, my best bet is to ignore it and pretend that I didn't give him that hat.' I quickly looked around to see if anyone else saw Spike's weird behavior, but luckily no one did, then I looked at Rarity and she just shrugged it off (I guess that when you live in such a crazy town, nothing really phases you any more, just like New Yorkers) so I refocused on the blue unicorn.
She started to call out the nay Sayers (oh God the horse puns) and all my new friends fell for her taunts, hook, line and sinker. You would think they would see the obvious ploy to use them as a stage props, but as I was starting to see, ponies aren't very perceptive. Rainbow Dash tried first and got trumped by Trixie, followed by Applejack and then Rarity, which soon found me respecting her ability to use anyone's talents against themselves. I wasn't even put off by her boasting for she was proving that she could back up her talk by showing some real skill, maybe not the greatest magic wielder on the planet but still, respectable. This however all stopped when she called me out, saying,
"How about you, the hairless monkey, have you what it takes to show up the brilliance that is Trixie?" I smirked and returned,
"Don't try to turn me in to a pawn for your show, I can see that you have been doing this for however long and I know you would just use my skills against me, then say something mildly witty. Oh and I'm a human, not a monkey." This brought a large frown to her face, before she slowly smirked back at me evilly and said,
"Oh Trixie sees, the Monkey thinks he's civilized like use pony folk, how cute, maybe if Trixie plays some music and throws down some peanuts he will do a little dance." I rolled my eyes and spoke so everyone could hear me,
"Why does everyone on this planet assume that comparing me to a monkey is a good insult, seriously, you don't see me comparing you all to horses, which is obviously closely related to your species..." This got me a few boo's, but I continued
"Now don't get me wrong, I'm not going to resort to such speciesism, but I would prefer the same curtsey, I mean I'm a part of an advanced society for God's sake. Now, if you are really going to resort to such low blow to try and get me to compete, than I guess it really means a lot to you and I will comply." I continued to grin as Trixie frowned even harder at my comment, but she was pretty much asking for it.
I jumped on to the stage and thought for a few seconds about what I wanted to do and then snapped my fingers when I had it and asked,
"Trixie, your a performer right? As such, would you happen to have a sharpened sword?" she nodded and rushed behind the curtain, before returning with a sword of average length and grabbed it out of her magic hold. I decided to put on my own show for the crowed and bellowed,
"Mares and Stallions, creatures of all size, shape and form, let me thrill you with a feat of dexterity and skill that very few hold and even fewer survive. I have been practicing this talent for many years now and would strongly advise that no one attempt to do what I am about to do. Now without further adieu, let me wow you all with the art of the sword dance."
Perhaps I should explain, my interest in swords was never about learning about how to kill someone or proper stances, no, what I specialize in was more of a side show attraction. on my 12th birthday I was given a wooden sword as a present from my brother, his mindset was that we would learn to be great swordsmen by practicing with each other (he bought one for himself as well). Well after a few weeks, he got bored with it and quit, but I still really enjoyed practicing with it and so, I continued on every day by just learning by trial and error. The first few months were pretty rough and at I got my fare share of lumps, but after a while I was swinging my wooden sword around like it was apart of my own arm.
Years past and I continued to practice every day, until one day when I was sixteen, I decided to purchase a real sword and see what I could do. I practiced out in the parking lot of the pawn shop I bought it in and got so caught up in my training that I didn't notice the small crowed that had gathered around me to watch. Instead of getting in trouble for being underage and buying a weapon, I had people cheering me on. Turns out that lots of people would pay good money to watch what I could do and I soon started performing on the streets for money. I made enough money to buy a car with that cash flow and the best part was that I was never caught for preforming on the street without a license, which I later found out about. Long story short, I had a whole lot more experience with preforming for a crowed and Trixie was about to find out how well I could flow with the punches.
I started nice and slow, with a few vertical and horizontal slashes and started to gain momentum little by little. I heard snickering from the crowed, as well as a good amount from Trixie about my lack luster performance, but that soon stopped when my weapon started to whip around my body in complex patterns. Faster and faster I went, past my shoulder, behind my neck, around my torso, even between my legs and a growing whistle of the steel blade could be heard. I started to move my body in to different poses and soon the dance could be seen as I moved across the stage, tearing and rending the enemies in my mind. To say that I had every ones undivided attention would be an understatement, for I could see that every eye was bugging out of the simple towns folks heads and I smirked devilishly, before continuing.
Soon I was at my maximum speed and the blade resembled a flashing blur of metal as I approached my finally. When I reached center stage, all my muscles tensed and I flung the sword straight up, sending it spinning at a terrifying speed, which was followed by the wait. Ten seconds later and I could finally see the blade coming back with a vengeance, so I readied my body and just let my muscle memory take over, waiting till the very last second to flick out my hand and snatch the weapon right out of the air. Without missing a beat, I ducked down and whipped the blade around with my body, before popping back up and pointing it straight at the crowd.
I waited for several seconds, but the crowd remained deathly quite, and I was just about to speak when they erupted in to a roaring din, so I guessed they liked it. I turned around to face Trixie and she looked completely flustered,(James used Sword Dance, It's super effective!) so I said,
"Now then, I think I have proven that I can do something that you can't, so maybe you should change your performance methods, I mean no one likes to be made to look like a fool, as you can plainly see." Trixie was blushing while scowling at me, but before she could say something spiteful, I continued,
"Don't get me wrong, I think you have great talent, but that doesn't mean you should rub every ones noses in it. I think that you have enough skill that you shouldn't need to resort to that, instead, maybe you should try some sort of other approach." A thoughtful look appeared upon her face and I thought she was going to apologize, but then she took a one eighty degree turn and said,
"What do you think this is, some sort of cartoon from the funny pages that resolves everything in a day, leaving everypony with a warm fuzzy feeling? Get real bub, the great and powerful Trixie changes for no pony, especially one who likes to play with big swords all day, overcompensation much? You just return to your simple dirt ridden life and Trixie will figure out a stunt to show you just how great Trixie really is." I was too stunned to even make words as Trixie pulled a sign on to stage that read 'closed for the day' and then she angrily walked back in to her wagon, slamming her door with a huge amount of force.
'What the hell just happened? WAIT! DID SHE JUST IN INSINUATE I HAD A SMALL PENIS?! THAT BITCH! Alright if that's the way she wants to play it then fine.' I thought. I walked off the stage and was mobbed by my pony friends, who immediately started to gush over how I showed up Trixie, except for Twilight, who looked very unsure. I was going to comment on it, but then Pinkie pulled me away and said,
"Enough of all that, it's Pinkie Pie time, so what will it be? Baking at the Sugar Cube Corner, swimming at the local pond, creating a random song that we sing in tandem for no real reason? Or maybe... oh oh oh, I know, lets go sky diving!" I blanched and responded,
"Baking!! Uhh... I mean that baking seems like fun to me." Pinkie just grinned and responded,
"Okey Dokey Lokey." (crises averted)
A few hours later
I had just finished baking with Pinkie and I found it pretty fun, well except for the fact that she kept grinding up against me, which was a little odd, but it was still fun. None the less, it was night time and I was a little amazed, for I had just noticed the sky for the first time and my God was it impressive. Have you ever seen the sky without absolutely no light pollution, If you have then you know it is an incredible site, now combine that with what only the most imaginative artists can come up with when painting the night sky and you would have a close facsimile to what it looked like.
"Damn, I keep forgetting that this place has God like Princesses that can move the very heavens, and that just reminds me that one of them is trying to get in to my pants 'shutter'. Anyway I suppose that I should congratulate Luna on a job well done the next time I see her." I was still pondering until something gained my attention, It was a low rumbling noise that continually got louder and soon it became more defined. It started to sound like some huge, terrifying, four legged creature and even though I felt some apprehension, I still wandered closer in the direction it was coming from.
"My God, It's full of stars." I whispered as the creature came in to view, a bear of massive size came pounding out of the forest, but what really struck me was that it was translucent and as I had said 'full of stars'.
"Freaking magic! Oh yeah, lets make a bear out of the cosmos, that's a great idea... 'sigh' Whelp. were all screwed." I said as the monstrosity let out a earth shaking roar in his fury. I started to run the way I had come and two foals ran up besides me, so I asked,
"What happened?!" They grinned back and Snips said,
"We lured an Ursa out of the forest so that Trixie could vanquish it!"
"YOU WHAT!" I facepalmed and continued speaking, "How two sentient creatures have survived this long in life, when they are dumb enough to do something like this is beyond me." They both looked on with confusion at my comment, but they continued running until we reached Trixies caravan. They pounded on her door and when she answered they told her about what they did, oddly enough she had the same reaction as I did. Then the great bear reared him gigantic head and the colts being the idiots that they were, goaded Trixie in to taking on the beast by reminding her that she had taken one on before. I watched as she tried all her stage tricks and failed miserably, before I yelled out,
"Forget trying to subdue it and It doesn't matter If you were lieing about vanquishing one, your life means a whole lot more then you can image!" This may not have been the best choice of words, for a look of rage appeared on her face before she responded,
"Trixie will show you, you big jerk, she can do anything she says she can, Trixie will show you!" She then proceeded to cast a massive thunderhead that struck the bear with a giant bolt, making it roar out in pain and things looked like they might work out, that is until the bear recovered. With a quick angry swipe, the bear smashed Trixie in to a her cart, crushing it in to little bits.
"TRIXIE! Oh crap oh crap.... No keep calm James, now what should we do? ....Ahh ha! You two run and get help, I'm going to save Trixie." The colts didn't even respond before running off at full speed and I ran over to Trixie, luckily she was just unconscious and not dead, but there was still the matter of a giant bear to deal with. I picked up Trixie and turned around to find myself face to face with the behemoth, so I did the one thing I could think of, I ran like the devil was on my tail. As I booked it the bear roared out in rage for having his pray stolen from him and then he started bounding after me. I had made some real headway, but it wasn't enough because he soon caught up to me and I found myself trapped against a wall with no way out.
Out of nowhere I heard something that I was vaguely familiar with and Spike came flying off of one of the surrounding buildings with a giant hammer in his claws, swinging away.
"No fucking way." I mouthed as Spike proceeded to deal out an ass whooping, Mario style, and things were once again looking up until the music stopped and the hammer disappeared, leaving Spike sitting on top of the dazed bears head. The bear got back up and swiped Spike off of his head, leading to Spike screaming out,
"A waa waa waa waa!" before he hit the ground, unconscious as well, so now we really were screwed, that is until a purple powerhouse performed some potent pony pyrotechnics (ha). That's right, Twilight saved our asses and she did it with some freaking amazing magic ability, meanwhile Trixie had woken up in my arms and saw the magic supremacy as well, but she was too flabbergasted to comment. Once Twilight finished floating the bear in to the forest, she noticed Spike knocked out on the ground and rushed over to him. after completely examining him, she said,
"He appears to be fine, just unconscious, but what I can seem to figure out is why he is wearing all these clothes." I sheepishly responded,
"Uh, I think that might have something to do with the hat I gave him, for some reason he seemed to become the character it is made from." She frowned before examining Spike with her magic and a minute later she gasped in surprise, to which I asked what she had found.
"Your hat has magic from your world and when I cast my mustache spell the two magics combined to make Spike act like this Mario guy." I looked at her like she was high as a kite and responded,
"Bitch you crazy"................. okay not really, but what I did say was,
"So wait, the crappy hat that I bought at a thrift store around Halloween has magic properties? You have got to be pulling my leg." She shook her head and said,
"No really, most magic is very attached to the thoughts and memories of those around it and when that hat was created to look like the hat of this Mario person, the natural magic contained within took on the new properties that the memories placed upon it. Plus when I put my spell on Spike, the inactive magic became active and changed in to what it became, easy as that." I sighed and just said,
"Freaking magic. Well, how do we remove the magic?" She grinned and responded,
"Simple, we just remove the catalyst spell and everything will reverse, just like so." With that said she removed Spikes mustache and before my eyes his clothes disintegrate, just leaving the hat, which I quickly removed. With that done, Twilight started to freak out about how we all saw her, now that she had shown off like Trixie, but I just started to laugh and said,
"What the heck are you even talking about Twilight, what you did was impressive, but you weren't showing off, hell I wouldn't mind if you did. No, what you did was save the city like a freaking super hero." Everyone else added there own supportive statements and at the end Twilight had a big happy smile, knowing that we didn't hate her (that silly unicorn). Just then Spike awoke and said,
"Hey everypony, what's going on and why am I lying on the ground?" Twilight rushed over and gave him a big hug, but I had to confirm something so I asked,
"Spike what do you remember of the past day?" He put on a thoughtful look before answering,
"I was in the library with Twilight and you, then you put that hat on my head and told to say...... something, I forget, and then nothing."
'Well that's probably for the best' I thought as I slowly started to remember the pony in my arms and it was at this time that I noticed that I was petting her like a big cat. She however didn't seem to mind that so much and was making a contented sighing noise, it even seemed to resemble purring. I giggled and asked,
"So are you feeling better now Trixie?" She immediately froze and a large blush spread across her face, before she bounded out of my arms in a rush, while saying,
"Trixie was not enjoying your stroking at all, she was just in a daze from all that has happened tonight!" I grinned and said,
"Did I mention stroking you? I don't seem to remember that, I just wanted to know if you were feeling better." For her part, Trixie really did hold back her emotions quite well and I could barely see the extra blush that was brought to her face.
"Oh... Trixie feels just fine, maybe a little bruised, but nothing a good nights sleep couldn't take care of." She then slowly started to frown as she remembered that her home was destroyed and I realized this as well.
"Where will Trixie sleep now that her home is destroyed, Trixie is ruined 'sniff'...ruined" I have never been able to stand a crying woman, it makes me die a little inside, and so I decided to do something to help her.
"Awww, don't worry Trixie, I'll help rebuild your caravan as well as the two fools that started this mess, won't you two?" Snips and Snails both nodded and I continued,
"And I'm sure that Twilight wouldn't mind having you stay in her home for a few days." Twilight smiled and said,
"Sure, everypony needs a little help every now and then." Trixie looked like she was going to cry, but then she thrust her nose in to the air and responded,
"Trixie is to good to accept handouts from those that make her look bad, go try your charity plea with somepony else." Suddenly something inside of me snapped and I roared out in pure rage, before screaming,
"Listen here you stuck up prissy little pain in the ass, I'm not offering you anything, I'm telling you what is going to happen! So, we are going to fix your cart, you are going to stay at Twilight's house and afterwords you are going to tell us all how grateful you are! GOT IT!?" Trixie was cowering on the ground before me at this point and she looked up at me with teary eye before nodding her agreement. After this I looked around and saw that most of the ponies were looking at me with a small amount of fear, which snapped me out of my anger. I rubbed the back of my head with a large blush on my face before saying,
"Uhh, sorry everyone, I didn't mean to freak out like that, I just kind of lost it for a second there." Luckily Pinkie had my back and defused the situation for me by jumping forward and tackling me in a big hug, while saying,
"It's okay James, some ponies just need to be yelled at to make them see the error of there ways." The other ponies in the crowd nodded at Pinkies wisdom and everything seemed to be turn out for the best.
"Thanks Pinkie, you're a life saver." I said and she responded,
"Anything for you James." while squeezing me tighter, so I chuckled nervously and said,
"Uhh, right." All the while I thought 'I'm gonna have to deal with this infatuation she has for me soon, but not today.' So I just smile and returned the hug.
I was sure today would be different from all the rest, no more crazy females that tried to make me in to a sex slave, no more violent monsters that I would have to flee from and definitely no more mistakenly making ponies want to date me for God only knows why. Over my weeks of going to Ponyville I had started to get a good feel on how everything worked, so I was pretty confident that I could navigate any more dangerous and or culture based situations, at least that's what I believed. Turns out that I was about to be slapped in the face by a long dead man by the name of Murphy, and he wasn't going to be kind about it either, nope, it was going to be a full bitch slap.
It all started innocently enough, for when I appeared in town I found a beautiful park full of ponies having a good time, but when I showed up in a flash of light I was immediately the center of attention. I smiled sheepishly and waved a little as I backed away from the scene I had just made. This however made it possible for me to trip over a very shy, yellow, Pegasus and I was soon entangled in her limbs as we both screamed out in shock. I found my head lodged in between her thighs and it brought to mind many a crappy anime that had this scenario happening to the main protagonist. I never would have guessed it actually occurring in real life, but then again I was in a weird cartoon like universe, so who could really say for certain.
Beyond all of this I did have to admit that Fluttershy had a nice ass, even thought I hadn't considered these ponies in that way before, but these thoughts were swiftly removed when another one replaced it. I quickly remembered what usually happened afterwords to the guy in my position, which would be a fierce ass kicking, so I untangled myself and started to stammer out some sort of apology.
"AHHH HA HA, Uh hmm... hey Fluttershy... I, I, I didn't... I can... you see.......... I'm really sorry, please don't beat me in to a bloody pulp!" Her face was as red as a tomato and I was pretty sure that all she wanted to do was curl up in to a ball and maybe cry, but when I said what I did she was pulled out of her embarrassment and went straight in to confusion.
"WHAT!? James what are you even talking about,I would never do something like that....." Fluttershy said in a steadily decreasing voice, until she was just whispering and quickly I felt awful for making such an assumption, so I apologize for my apology.
"That was dumb of me, please forgive me for assuming something so asinine." She told me it was okay, but we soon settled in to an awkward silence, taking quick glances at each other without really making any real eye contact until I finally decided to change the subject.
"Sooooo, what were you doing before I showed up?" Her eyes lit up and she immediately responded,
"Oh dear, I almost completely forgot, there is a great storm of smoke coming from the mountain over there. I have to warn the town before it reaches Ponyville." I looked at the mountain that she was pointing at and my eyes nearly bulged out of my head, for there was a massive cloud of smoke poring out of the peak. I had no idea what could create that much smoke from such a little area, but I knew it couldn't be good, so I followed after Fluttershy in an effort to help in whatever way I could. She started to try and get every ones attention, but her soft voice had absolutely no effect in getting attention and it really started to get on my nerves. After a few tries I was fed up and yelled out,
"Oy, Shut the hell up! Fluttershy has something to say, so listen to her." Every eye fell upon me and her with dead silence and she looked like a dear caught in the headlights, but she started by speak in a stuttering voice anyway.
"Umm, well you see... I think we uhh... eeepp!" and with that she ran behind me and hid while shaking slightly, which made me sigh in exasperation, but I decided to speak in her place.
"What Fluttershy was trying to say is that there is a large cloud of smoke headed for Ponyville and it should be dealt with right away in an orderly and calm manner." Everyone looked up at the smoke with gasps of surprise and confusion, as many voices started to wonder what should be done. At that moment Sparkly Purplecorn showed up, but for those that don't know her name of power we will just call her Twilight Sparkle and she had more info on the issue at hand. Turns out that a dragon was taking a nap, of all things, on the local mountain and as soon as she mentioned the dragon all hell broke loose. You would think that Twilight would have better sense than to mention a giant fire breathing monster to an easily startled group of ponies, but one thing I had noticed about her was that she didn't really have a lot of PR skills.
The panicking ponies were ignored due to the fact that they had all run off in different directions, but that left a handful who didn't flee, oddly enough Fluttershy didn't run away, however this could be due to the fact that she was too scared to move. Twilight had Me, Pinkie, Rainbow and Fluttershy, who were the remains follow her to her house, but I was forced to gather up Fluttershy and carry her there in my arms, because of said fear. When we got there, Applejack and Rarity were already there, which I assumed was Twilights doing and we were told that we would be climbing the mountain to convince the dragon to leave. Twilight followed this up by telling use to go gather supplies and meet back up in less than an hour, but what I failed to notice was how she just said girls, instead of everypony, which would become a bit of an ordeal in the very near future.
I returned to my house and immediately started to look around for supplies, which I started off with a big black backpack, followed by some climbing gear, a half a gallon of water, a lighter, dry wood, an automatic shotgun, the shotgun shells to go with, a bundle of dynamite and a warm suit of dark clothes to match the mountain so that I would be harder to spot. Now you may be wondering why I have an automatic shotgun and dynamite, well that would be my fathers fault. You see he got it in to his head that 2012 would be the end of the world so he had been stocking up sense 2005 and he even bought my family supplies (he got a bundle deal for the guns). He had told me and my brother that we would have to learn how to shoot (my mother shot him down before he even tried with her, ha, more puns) and so he payed for lessons, which I actually enjoyed. Anyway, I had a small arsenal in my mothers house and for once I thought it might be a good thing that I knew how to kill so effectively.
Upon returning to the library I found all the ponies outside and I went out to greet them, saying out loud,
"Hey girls, I'm ready to convince the dragon to leave" Which drew all eyes on me and I wondered why they all looked so surprised, but then Twilight spoke up.
"Uhh James, your not coming with us, it's just going to be us girls."
"What ya talkin about, Twilight?" I said, while the pop culture reference went right above there heads, but this didn't stop Applejack from responding,
"Look sugarcube, as mares we are looked upon to protect stallions and foals that are too precious to allow to be hurt... you understand don't ya?" I was dumbfounded as the new information was force fed to me, but finally I was able to respond,
"Wow, really? sexism? I was not expecting that one. Well anyway, I refuse, I'm coming with and you can just deal with it. I mean I don't really want to face down a dragon, but I sure as hell not going to let you all just go without me, especially when I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be able to survive if things went south." This wasn't taken well and Rainbow even stated how she felt,
"What is that suppose to mean!? Are you saying that I uhh... I mean we wouldn't be able to take on a dragon? and that you could... ha, as if!" I sighed and responded,
"Maybe Twilight could but, It is always good to have a backup plan and I would hate to find out that you all died." This seemed to shut her up and a general gasp was heard from the group as they considered my point of view. Rarity was next to speak up,
"Darling, why would you even assume something like that would happen, we are just going to ask it nicely to leave." I rubbed the palms of my hands in to my forehead as a headache started to form and responded,
"Really? I can't even fathom why you all aren't afraid of the giant, fire breathing, armored, death dealing monster. In my culture dragons are held with the utmost respect and fear for there kingship over all other life, even if they are considered just a myth. Now we are going to go talk to a real one and you all act like it is as simple as going to the market to buy a bag of flour." They all took on looks of uncertainty, but then Pinkie spoke up,
"Ah, it's not as bad as all of that, I'm sure that we will be having a big laugh with that dragon about this whole situation at the end of the day." The manner that she said it brought smiles to all the girls faces and they completely forgot about my warning. I shrugged it off though, due to the fact that they didn't complain anymore that I was going with them.
With all this in mind, I pulled Fluttershy out of a bush she was hiding in as she made whimpering noises, but I wasn't detoured and I one armed her like a football before making my way towards the mountain. The trip was fairly short and the whole way there Fluttershy continued to whimper, which I could sympathies with, but I knew that this had to be done, so I just bared down for what was ahead and pulled her a little closer to my chest.
At the base of the mountain I let Fluttershy down and started to get ready to climb, but then I saw the other ponies start to walk up the mountain in a way that I knew wasn't possible on my world. They seemed to be deifying the force of gravity while they walked at must have been at least a seventy percent tilt and I was forced to just gawk at them while muttering,
"Freaking magic" However, this didn't stop me from pulling out my ropes and other accoutrements as I got ready, but then something else happened. Fluttershy's wings seized up in fear when she heard the dragon snoring, followed by her whole body, but Applejack being the quick thinker that she is, decided to use the map to find a path around the mountain. Being that I could carry Fluttershy the fastest, I decided to go with and so I resumed my taxi services (in Soviet Russia pony ride you! I'm so sorry).
On we went, all the while Fluttershy seemed to be in a state of shock so I started to talk to her,
"Hey Fluttershy, time to wake up, no need to be all frozen... come on now, snap out of it!" I snapped my fingers in front of her face but it did very little and I was force to take more extreme measures.
"If you don't stop, I will have to use my secret weapon and believe me you will be begging me to stop, so just take it easy on yourself and wake up." I still got nothing and at this point Applejack was eying me with suspicion, but I didn't care for I was starting to get worried. Without any more warning I started my attack by flipping Fluttershy in my arms and immediately began to tickle like I have never tickled before. Soon she was shaking and sweating, followed by a low giggling, but this just led to heavier guffaws and then all out screams of laughter. Tears started to streak down her face as I reached the height of my deadly assault and that was the point when she started to beg me to stop, just as I said she would. I felt no mercy and went in for the final blow, a raspberry delivered straight to the tummy, truly I was without a heart, a monster in the deadly art of tickling. The loud flatulent noise could be heard echoing all across the mountain, as well as the high pitched screams before I was finally done and Fluttershy just lay in my arms as her laughing fit slowed down.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHA 'gasp' ha ha ha ha ha 'gasp' ee he he he..... oooh my. No more please, I surrender." she was able to finally sputter out and I grinned evilly before saying,
"Excellent, as my prize I claim one hug, muhahaha!" Both of my pony companions smiled at my silly attitude as I pulled Fluttershy in to an ill gotten hug. This set the mood as we rounded the bend and found the rest of the ponies waiting for us, really it only took about ten minutes, but I guess that was too much for Rainbow Dash and she stated her displeasure. I don't know, it was something about how she thought we were slow and Fluttershy was just holding us back, but I didn't like her tone so I returned,
"Hey Rainbow? Do you know what this hand sign means?" Before flipping her off and she just stared dumbly and answered,
"Of course I don't, do I look like I have hands?" I smiled back and said,
"That's true, well I'm sure you will find out eventually and I want you to remember this moment when you do." She just gave me a funny look before continuing and I laughed on the inside, 'that will be fun to deal with later'.
So on we went and soon we came to a very small gap in the path we need to take, but it did drop straight down for a very long way. I got up my courage and started to rush the gap when Fluttershy started freaking out and her wing snapped open, flapping furiously. This somehow managed to send me back several feet, so I looked down at Fluttershy and asked,
"Umm, so is there something you wanted to tell me?" She looked rather afraid and then it was confirmed when she said that she was afraid, which I found a little amusing.
"Look Shy, everyone feels fear, but you don't have to worry about us falling, because I promise that I will keep you safe no matter what." I said while looking deeply in to her eyes which seemed to do the trick, although this brought a scoff from Rainbow before she said,
"Oh brother, this is so backwards, it's like James is the mare and Fluttershy the stallion." I just responded by flipping her off again and she still looked confused, but it still made me laugh under my breath. I asked Shy if she was ready and she gulped, but nodded anyway, so I once again focused and jumped across, which was followed by a loud sigh from my passenger. Once we were on the other side I asked Shy if she would like to walk from here on out, for I thought that it might be a little demeaning to be carried all the way to the top of the mountain and she confirmed that she would like to. Once I set her down we were back on our way and it finally looked like we would get to the dragon, we just had to make it past an avalanche zone without making noise, and how hard could that be?
Turns out, pretty damn hard, because right after we entered the area Fluttershy got scared by a pair of falling leaves and screamed out the word avalanche. This was all that was need to cause a huge rock slide and it also might have made me scream like a little girl, but the whole thing was such a big blur of fleeing for my life that I'm not really sure. Somehow I managed to not be crushed under a big ass boulder and I was thankful for that, but then I remembered everyone else before checking to see if they were okay, which they were. Other than almost dieing, nothing else happened and all we had to was climb over the big pile of rocks which lead us right to the dragons cave.
All the ponies except Fluttershy were excited as Twilight started to list off what needed to be done, but for some reason they couldn't see that she was terrified of the dragon. Predictably, when Fluttershy was assigned to follow Twilight in, she didn't and Fluttershy was forced to reveal that she had a fear of dragons. This was followed by the girls trying to convince her that she could do it and that 'the only thing to fear is fear itself' or something like that, I don't know, I'm paraphrasing. Sadly, Fluttershy just couldn't do it and went to hide behind a big rock, which left me with the job of consoling her, since Twilight failed to give me some sort of task. Anyway, I followed Fluttershy behind her rock and started to talk,
"Shy, are you alright?" What I didn't expect was the biggest, saddest puppy dog eyes I have ever seen and it nearly crushed my freaking heart, if there was one thing I couldn't stand, it was sad faces. I rushed over and smothered her in a hug while patting her back, all the while she made pathetically sad little mewing noises that threatened to kill me on the spot.
"Awwww, Shy, it's alright, you don't have to feel so bad about this, I mean being afraid of a dragon is a legitimate fear, I know that I'm afraid of the huge bastard. So don't beat yourself up over this, I know I would never hold it against you." She just cried in to my shoulder for several seconds before finally asking,
"You're afraid of the dragon too? Then why did you come along, the girls didn't even want you to because... well you know... you're a male." I chuckled and said,
"Oh come on, even if I am afraid doesn't mean that I wouldn't risk my life for my friends, it is one of the few things in my life that I truly find value in, that and family. So even if I find myself doubting what I can really do, I will be damned before I let you all endanger yourselves without me to back you up." She smiled up at me through the tears and responded,
"That's a nice way to live your life, but I don't think I could do that." I guffawed and said,
"Fluttershy, you look after animals of every size, no matter how fearsome and do it because you love them. I know for a fact that you already do what I do and with more conviction, maybe it isn't in the same way, but I know you have the heart of a lion and even if you don't believe it, I do without a doubt. You Fluttershy, are absolutely amazing." Her face was the shade of a cherry as a smile graced her lips and she started to flutter her eyelashes at me, while saying,
"Oh my... James that was wonderful, I don't think any pony has ever complimented me in such a way, it is-" Just then we both heard Twilight yell,
"Rainbow, Nooo!" I flinched and said,
"Hold that thought Fluttershy, I thing we might be moving to plan B." and with that I ran around that rock and pulled out my shotgun, while loading in the shells, meanwhile a roar could be heard within the cave. I rushed over the wall and pressed my body flat while going over my plan in my head, it went like this 'wait until the dragon is distracted and shoot it in the neck where it's scales are thinnest. If that doesn't work, light the dynamite throw it in to the cave and run like hell, for with it's resting spot destroyed it will most likely try to kill you with a vengeance.'
It may not have been the best plan, but I was really counting on the first part to work and this was what I could come up with in such short time. However, when the dragon shot rainbow out of the cave at brake neck speeds, right in to the rest of the girls, I started to sweat, hoping that it wouldn't be a extremely large one. Turns out it was about the size of a house, which was larger that I thought it was going to be, but not as large as it could have been. None the less, I was a little terrified, but I knew it wouldn't stop me as I tensed my muscles, however I never got the chance to move. Right when I was about to go, Fluttershy found her friends laid out on the ground and she snapped. I swear it was one of the most badass things I have ever seen and as she talked it down I found myself openly gawking at her. That's when I started to hear music (Kiss by Prince, just in case the link doesn't work) and I looked around in bewilderment as it started to play from seemingly nowhere. I looked over to the ponies congratulating Fluttershy and asked,
"Hey, can any of you hear that music?" They all looked at me and looked at me strangely and Twilight asked,
"What music?" I shook my head and said,
"You can't hear that? That's no good, well, I think I might be having a stroke, I can even smell burning, or maybe that's the dragon smoke." I looked all around trying to find the source of the music, when all of the sudden I was blindsided by Fluttershy, who was hugging me with an huge amount of force, then she started talking,
"Did you see? I actually stood up to that dragon and it was all because of you, I kept thinking about what you said when I was looking at him and suddenly I wasn't afraid anymore! I am so happy I could just, just, just!" and then it happened, Fluttershy frenched me, she pulled me in too a massive, lusty kiss with tongue. At first I tried to pull away, but then I slowly melted in to it, finding it to be one of the most passionate kisses I have ever had. The way she rolled her tongue inside my mouth probing every spot, softly, but forcefully and slowly leading my tongue with an almost dancing rhythm. Needless to say it was exquisite and it left me wanting more, much more, but when the kiss was broken, Fluttershy opened her eyes and the look of shock was beyond understanding. Her eyes darted back and forth as she started to hyperventilate as I tried to calm her down, but it was too little too late and she passed out.
The whole ordeal left me confused and... horny, yep horny, so I opened my mouth and asked,
"Does anyone know what the hell just happened? Because I'm so confused it hurts" 'and what's more I think I want to make out with Fluttershy.' The last part I thought in my head as I looked around for answers but all I got was more confusion and a whole lot of Jealousy from Pinkie. I sighed and said,
"Well the Dragon is gone so, yay we win... umm make sure Fluttershy gets home and I think I should get going............... I need a cold shower." With that I pulled out my remote and got the hell out of dodge.
Alright, so last week was a bit of a FUBAR and I was more than a little wary of returning to find out what the results would be, but I didn't want to be found out by the rest of the world, so return I shall. Needless to say it will be awkward and unpleasant, but I just have to man up and do it. Putting off any more procrastination I grabbed my remote and made sure my handgun was still strapped to my back before getting it over with.
So I once again found myself in Ponyville, but this time I was at a cross street in the middle of town and it had just begun to rain, fantastic. It's not like I couldn't take a little rain, I had lived in Seattle for many years and I could handle it, but the wind was really starting to pick up and I could even hear some thunder not to far off, so I thought it would be a great idea to go find shelter. Down one street I could see the tree library and I wondered how safe that really could be, but down the other street was the Sugarcube Corner and in the main window I could see Pinkie Pie. Now this would have been fine, except that when I laid eyes upon her, she immediately froze up and ever so slowly started to turn her head towards me with a look that screamed terror. Well, as much fun as that sounds, I think I'm going to go with door number one, the door that doesn't have my new greatest fear behind it.
As I raced down the street, I could feel the big yellow streak down my back, but I didn't care and I kept running as I was pelted with rain. I made it to Twilight's door and started to frantically knock, which got me a perturbed Twilight, but I still didn't care as I barged my way in.
"James, what's the big idea? You are acting like Nightmare moon is on your tail." I gave a unconvincing smile and responded,
"Oh it's nothing, I just wanted to see you so badly and now that I have I must say that you are looking particularly beautiful today. Say! We should do something together, maybe play a game, preferably in your basement with a Spike, so that we aren't alone." I shuttered after that and Twilight frowned before saying,
"Spike is in Canterlot on royal business, but Rarity and Applejack are here, we are going to have a slumber party. Ohhh, you should join us, it's going to be super fun." I looked over at Applejack and Rarity, who looked like mice trapped in a maze and I continued to support a fake smile before saying,
"Oh, you know what? I totally forgot that uhh... my house is on fire... yeah and I should probable take care of that, cya!" I pulled out my remote and fumbled for the return button, but I was to far slow as Twilight magic'd it out of my hand and she responded,
"But you said you wanted see me and I quote 'So badly', I'm sure you can stay for my very first slumber party, can't you?" A powerful sad face was use upon me and I frowned fiercely before saying,
"But, but, but... my burning house and fire and... you're not buying it, are you? Why would you even want a boy at your party anyway? Isn't the number one rule of a girls slumber party 'no boys allowed?" Twilight looked shocked before she pulled out a book from one of the shelves and leafed through it. When whatever she was looking for was found she said,
"For a girls only party yes, but we can do a boys and girls slumber party, It says that those are even more fun!"
"Crap." I whispered under my breath, before responding,
"Alright, I guess I can do this for you, since it is your first one ever, but let's not make a habit of it okay?" She was all grins before yelling out,
"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! You won't regret this, I swear." However she was wrong, and right away, because right off the bat we started things with a facial, but not only that we were doing full makeovers (Oh God). I sighed deeply and waited for the evil to end, trying to send my mind to that place where all men go when they tune something out, a place without thought if you will. Sadly I couldn't reach my nirvana, because two annoying mare were constantly fighting with each other, so I just bared my teeth and waited for death to claim me, but just like a bitch, death denied me the pleasure.
After the mud masks came off, the hair curlers went in, which I was not thrilled about at all, but on we went and soon we got too ghost stories. Applejack and Rarity continued to insult each other, but in story form, and at this point I was starting to get pissed off at them so I decided to tell them a ghost story they would never forget.
"Hey Twilight, why don't you go make some popcorn and cookies, no slumber party is complete without them." I told Twilight and her eyes lite up before she rushed off in to the kitchen, leaving just me and the two bickering harpies that were making my life more difficult. At that moment the lights went out due to the lightning and I pulled out my mini flashlight on my key-chain. Flipping it on, I started my story,
"This is the story of Red Jenny, You see, it all started with a funeral of a father, he had died in a war and left his only daughter to live with his recent wife. This made her the stepmother of the little girl, who's name was Jenny and Jenny hated her stepmother. Now the stepmother wasn't the greatest woman in the world, but she didn't deserve what happened to her. What, do you ask, happened to the stepmother... well, Jenny had been reading an ancient book her real mother left her and it contained her entire family lines history, including a spell of the blackest magics from times forgotten. Jenny had never considered enacting the spell, but when her father died, her heart broke and all she was left with was hate.
So in the dead of night, Jenny opened her book by candle light and started the spell that very vaguely described cursing the enemy of the caster with a demon of the underworld. Jenny, being the naive little girl that she was didn't take heed of the warning that came with the spell and cast it with nothing but pure hate in her heart.
What happened next would remain legend for the next hundred years and whispered about in dark taverns across the land. Jenny's spell summoned a demon alright, but not in the way she wanted, because the demon was summoned within her as a small egg. The egg grew at an amazing speed and soon Jenny's body was torn apart, leaving behind a small demon that could almost pass as the little girl, except for the blood red body and sharp claws on its digits. The demon went to work as the spell dictated and the screams of Jenny's stepmother could be heard for miles it was said. It was so loud that it brought around the local guard to investigate, but when they got to the house and opened the door, only one guard survived the monsters rampage.
The guard didn't live long afterwards, but he was able to tell the story of what happened to him and his men, and how they could hear it's mournful cries, just before they opened the door. It escaped in to the woods behind the house and many searches where launched to find and kill the demon that looked like a girl, but she was never found.
It was sighted roaming from town to town, killing those on the outskirts without mercy every few years and any survivors would say they same thing, It sounded like a little girl, crying. So remember, if you ever hear the cries of a little girl around midnight, it might just be Red Jenny, coming to kill you and your family." and with that I screamed and the girls screamed with me, before they started to hug each other in pure fear. The lights came back on at that moment and Twilight came back in with the treats before she yelled out,
"What happened to you girls? You look like you just saw a ghost." I smiled at Twilight and said,
"Oh don't worry, I just told them a Ghost story I made up, I guess it was a little to much for them... Hey girls, it's not a real story you know." They both cracked open there eyes and looked at me like I had done unspeakable things to them before Applejack was able to speak up,
"Y-y-y-y-you m-m-made that up? That was the scariest thing I have ever heard in my entire dog gun life... You Big Jerk!" Rarity nodded and said,
"That was too much James, I'm going to have nightmares for the next week because of you!" I smiled sheepishly, feeling bad about going to far with my revenge and I decided to apologize,
"I'm sorry girls, you both were being so annoying that I thought I would scare you a little, but I didn't think it would be that bad, I was told scary stories like that when I was a child and they didn't freak me out as much as you two are." They both looked at me with disbelief and Rarity said,
"This is a normal ghost story for you and you were told ones like it as a child? Who ever did that to you should be whipped with a thorny vine and forced to eat hot peppers until they puked!" I giggled and said,
"Yeah, my mother was pretty pissed off when she found out that my father had told me such stories too, she made him sleep on the couch for giving me nightmares." This time Applejack spoke up,
"Your Pa did this to you... what the heck is wrong with humans, that's just not right." I shrugged and said,
"Sorry girls, I'll remember to never use my scariest stories from now on." They both sighed before forgiving me, but they did warn me that if it happened again there would be 'dire consequences'. I nodded and we all moved on to making smores, even though we had more than enough snacks, Twilight said we had to do things by the book. So we ate smore, but wouldn't you guess, the girls went back to arguing, even when they knew I scared them because of it, I guess they just had to get it out of there systems.
After the food we moved on the truth or dare which soon had Rarity soaked and Applejack in a dress, but they continued to argue so I decided to intervene.
"Girls! Knock it the hell out, I don't really know why you both are at each others throats, but I have to warn you that I'm not above dealing out spankings if you keep this up." They both looked at me with deadpan stares and I knew that I had made a mistake, for they then gained evil grins before Rarity said,
"Hmm, quite right dear, I do feel just awful... well, I guess it's my turn. So James, Truth or Dare?" I grimmest and thought for a second, 'If I pick dare, then I know I will be doing something awful, but truth may not be much better, screw it I'll go with truth.' So I said,
"Truth." and sealed my fate as Rarity responded,
"So about that kiss last week, how was it and did you like it?" I sighed in defeat, I don't know how she knew how to choose the best question, or maybe it was just obvious but I had to answer so I said,
"It was Fantastic, It was one of the best kisses I have ever had, are you happy you harpy?" She continued to grin and said,
"Oh, not quite yet, but the night is young." I sighed again and said,
"Truth or Dare, Twilight?" My best choice I figured and she choose truth.
"Alright, umm, have you ever been drunk and if so what was your first experience like?" She blushed and responded,
"Yes I have and my first time was with Celestia's special wine she keeps in her room, after a few hours I ran down the hallways of the castle screaming a little song I made up. It was something about my name... I can't remember, but I do remember that my brother had to come and get me from the tallest tower and stop me from my rantings." We all chuckled at Twilight's painful memory and it was now her turn.
"Okay, how about it Applejack, Truth or Dare." Applejack considered before saying,
"Truth." So Twilight returned,
"What is the weirdest place you have ever had sex?" I nearly fell out of my chair, sex questions, and from Twilight the pure none the less, that I wasn't expecting. Turns out Applejack wasn't expecting it either because see did fall out of her seat and stuttered out,
"W-w-w-what!?" Twilight giggled and responded,
"You heard me." Apple just continued to look stunned before responding,
"I-I-I ah shucks, It was in a schoolhouse alright? I can't believe I'm tellin ya this." I couldn't either, so I said,
"damn that's kinky, the weirdest place for me was against a tree but that's pretty mild, comparatively." This got a few laughs and defused the situation to the point that Applejack didn't look like she was going to die from embarrassment. Applejack sighed and said,
"You're up again, Sugarcube, what'll be?" I still didn't want to do dare so I said,
"Truth again." and she responded,
"I was hopin you would say that, So, who are you more attracted to, Pinkie or Fluttershy? and I do mean sexually." (Oh fucking hell) I slapped my hands in to my face before asking,
"Uh, is dare still available?" Applejack shook her head no and I made a little whimpering noise. "I don't know, before last week I didn't even find ponies attractive and now I can't get them out of my head, it's driving me freaking nuts." Apple grinned evilly and said,
"That doesn't answer my question sugar." I stared death at her and responded,
"Okay, look, I guess I would say that I'm an ass man and Pinkie defiantly wins in that regard, but Fluttershy has some amazing curves, ugggg, If any of my family heard me say this they would be having conniption fits. Umm, Fluttershy has this sweet and shy thing that I absolutely love, but Pinkie is funny and nice and don't tell anyone but I find her special brand of crazy to be oddly sexy in ways that I can't even begin to fathom. So I don't know, give it time and I might be able to tell you, but right now I am just trying to figure out how I can find your species sexy." I got a sympathetic pat on the back from Apple, but Rarity was snickering softly, so I knew where my next victim was.
"Rarity, Truth or Dare?" I said with steel in my voice and I could see the fear in her eyes, but I would not relent so she said,
"I guess dare darling, please be gentle." I gave my most malicious smile and responded,
"You wish, I want you to dye your coat and mane for the night to look like Applejacks." She blanched and look like I had physically struck her, but they rules were Iron clad, for a supposedly fun game, and she was forced to go in to the bathroom and do it. Several minutes later, Rarity came out of the bathroom, looking like a weird combo of both herself and Applejack, which made everyone burst in to laughter, especially because of the look on her face. I decided that this was photo worthy and took a picture on my phone, which no one seemed to notice, lucky me. When the laughter had died down I decided that this probable enough and said,
"Well I think we are done with Truth and Dare, now that we all have been utterly embarrassed." There was a round of nodding and Twilight said,
"Right, what's next on the list?.... Ah a pillow fight? What's that?" I started to explain when a Pillow struck me in the side of the head and I looked over at Rarity who had an evil glint in her eye, but then I got another one on the other side of my head which caused me to growl before holding up a pillow up and saying,
"Prepare for the most unpleasant pillow fight of your life." I then proceeded to cock the pillow like a shotgun, much to my own surprise and amusement. I would explain the pillow fight, but really I feel it wouldn't be necessary, I mean sure it had magic and lasso's in it, however it was still just a pillow fight. Anyway, it lasted for a good half an hour until we all got the aggression out and were left with a satisfying brawlers afterglow. At this point I asked,
"So are you two done arguing?" They both smiled at each other and proceeded to apologize for there transgressions and we all decided to call it night. There was one problem however, there was only one bed, but amazingly, it was large enough for all three of us and I found it a little odd.
"Why would you have an extra bed that is large enough for a human?" Twilight just shrugged and made a none committal noise. I sighed and said,
"So, how are we going to do this? Should I just sleep on the floor, or maybe Twilight can give back my remote and I can go home." Twilight giggled and shook her head no, before saying,
"You are all going to sleep together, that's what the book said you should do." I facepalmed and responded,
"Really? Isn't that more than a little silly, plus I like to sleep in just my boxers, so this really makes me nervous." Twilight decided to wonder aloud,
"Why do you wear clothes anyway?" I gave her a deadpan stare and said,
"This is hardly the time or place to discussed human habits and oddities." She smiled sheepishly before saying,
"Right, sorry, anyway go ahead and get in bed, I'm not going to take no for an answer by the way, It's in the book, so it has to be done." I sighed at Twilight's OCD tendencies, but complied as I got in to bed, wondering if other people had to put up with these sort of crazy things in there everyday life. I soon found two ponies blocking my way out of bed as they started to snuggle up to me, like I was some sort of big pillow or something. I just excepted that this was really happening and decided to get comfy, pulling two scoops of warm, fuzz pony up to me.
All in all, it wasn't really that bad and I did sleep like a rock, it was a strange experience to be sure, however, given enough time I think I could really begin to enjoy it. Oh on a side note, turns out that a tree fell on the ponies house right next to the library, no one was hurt and the damage was minimal, but I did find it odd that we didn't even hear it... just thought I would share that.
Chapter 10 (Sunshine lollipops and rainbows, oh my!)
Chapter 10 (Sunshine lollipops and rainbows, oh my!)
I was laying in bed on the cusp of a dream in which two warm women snuggled up to me with oh so roaming hands, whispering sweet nothings while feeding me Cheetos and it was rather realistic, in fact it was a little too realistic. I pulled myself a little closer to consciousness to find that there were in fact two bodies snuggled up to me, but something was wrong. First off, the hands had no fingers and secondly the two bodies were too short to be normal women, not to mention that they were furry... no something was definitely wrong. Then it hit me, the sleep over, the ghost story, the pillow fight, all of it, and so the two women feeling me up were in fact... Rarity... and... Applejack? This left me with even more questions, why in the hell were they feeling me up and why did it feel so good, I mean they have hooves, it shouldn't feel that great. As I pondered these questions I asked out loud,
"Hey girls, not that I mind or anything, but why are you both giving my a rub down?" This caused the girls to freeze, being caught in the act and all, but after a few seconds Rarity decided to speak up.
"Uhh, well you see darling, Applejack started it and she told me how funny it feels on her hooves, so I joined her and you really do have such soft, smooth skin dear, it is rather exotic." I giggled and sarcastically said,
"Well unless you are trying get this to go in a different direction, you may want to stop, because there is only so much teasing I can take."
"Realllly? My, my, James, you have been busy now haven't you." My blood froze in my veins as my eyes burst open and I flew out of bed with a speed that could rival Rainbow Dash for I knew the voice that was speaking and it wasn't anyone that should be in the room. As I looked over the room I spotted her, Celestia in all her glory and she was eying me with a fierce hunger, as well as a good helping of mirth. I have never wanted to run away as much I did in that one moment, for Celestia intimidates me on a level that I have trouble even describing. Anyway I spoke up to gauge the situation,
"Heeeeey Celestia, what are you doing here?" She smiled a creepy smile and said,
"Oh, I'm just giving Twilight a surprise visit and you as well it would seem." I tittered nervously and did some quick thinking before responding,
"Yes well, you have met Applejack, haven't you? and also Applejack?" Celestia gave me a funny look before looking down at the two mares that were in a state of shock. She had to do a double take when she saw Rarity, for she still had Applejack's coloring, which gave me the perfect opportunity to grab my clothes and get gone. Having feet instead of hooves gave me a distinct advantage to move quietly, so after I strapped on all my clothes, except for my shoes, I was right out the door... to find a beautiful rainbow overhead. It looked like my luck had finally taken a turn for the better and it about freaking time if you asked me, but then I remembered those that I had just sacrificed.
"Sorry girls, but it was either you or me and I have a lot more to lose." I said as I ran down the street, however then I remembered something important, my remote was back at the library. I let out a long sigh and said,
"Looks like I'm going to be here a while....... I guess I could clear things up with Pinkie and Fluttershy, even if Pinkie is terrifying at the moment." Then I noticed the few ponies that were watching me like I was crazy and I had to mentally facepalm, 'really need to learn to keep my thoughts to myself.' I thought as I quickened my pace, but then I continued to think about some sort of plan,
'Maybe I should visit Pinkie first and follow that up with Fluttershy, but wait, will Celestia come after me? or maybe the ponies that I threw under the bus to save myself... in retrospect, I really shouldn't have done that. Well no stopping now, guess I'll just have to be careful.' With a game plan in mind, I made my way to Sugarcube Corner, while looking around me for incoming danger. I got inside without being attacked, so I figured I was safe for the moment and started with my first goal, find and confront Pinkie. I walked up to the main counter to find Mrs. Cake and she looked rather unhappy with me, which made me frown and say,
"Pinkie Pie?" She nodded and pointed up stairs before asking,
"She has been in an absolutely foul mood of late, what happened, if you don't mind me asking." I sighed and said,
"First off, you know that Pinkie has a crush on me? Yeah well, Fluttershy decided to kiss me and Pinkie was not happy about it. We haven't even talked about relationships or anything of that nature, but I don't know, I guess I have to now." This brought a sad, but understanding smile to Mrs. Cake face and she said,
"That would explain it, I'm so sorry dear... well good luck." I returned the sad smile and walked towards the stairs, but when I got to them I had to looked upon them with resignation. I wasn't looking forward to this at all, however it had to be done so I started to climb, ever so slowly, but with every step the stairs seemed to become longer. What seemed like hours, but in actuality was only about half a minute, I came to an end and I found a big pink door, convenient. My fist hovered over the door for a few minutes before I finally decided to knock, only to find that the door was slightly ajar, and with my knock the door was opened. I looked inside to find Pinkie sitting on a cushion facing away from me, but something was horrible wrong. For one thing, her hair was completely straight and for another, her happy vibrant nature was just... gone and this all set off alarm bells within my head so I spoke up.
"Hey Pinkie how's it going? I came over to speak with you... but maybe you would like to say something instead?"
I have been in one or two situations like this before and the best way to navigate them was to play it by your gut. What my gut was telling me was that I was in mortal danger and that if I wasn't very cautious I might end up in a "Misery" situation *shutter*. Than again, this was my friend Pinkie Pie I was thinking about and I did owe it to her to believe in her better nature, even if her attitude was telling a different story. Pinkie then turned around to face me and I could see her aggravated eyes, yep, she was pissed, so I kept my mouth shut, waiting for her to say something.
"Oh, hello James... It's so nice to see you. So tell me? Did you have fun playing with my heart?" I could almost taste the venom in her voice as I thought about a way to respond, before settling on saying,
"Pinkie, we haven't even discussed any sort of relationship or something of that nature and I find your attitude to be way over the line." You might be wondering how this was being cautious, but I have a plan so don't worry, I'll be fine... I hope.
"You flirted with me all the time and I thought you were interested, than you go and kiss Fluttershy, so excuse me if I am a little over the line!" I flinched, but continued to steamroll my way through.
"Hey! I'm not the one that kissed her, you saw that, she kissed me! and besides that, I didn't even think that a relationship with a pony was an option until last week. I am sorry that I lead you on, but that is just in my nature, I'm flirty." I could see the rage in her eyes stoking to deadly levels as she responded,
"So you never wanted to date me?!" I looked down at my feet with shame and said,
"Not at first... no, but now I don't really know what I want, both you and Fluttershy seem to think that I'm at least attractive, even though I'm a weird alien. I'm left with seeing you ponies in a completely new light and it truly scares me... I didn't even know that I could find any other species besides humans attractive, but I can't seem to get it out of my head." She looked at me with a lot less anger, but a good deal more sadness and asked,
"Why would you be afraid of that? What's so bad about finding a pony attractive?" I sighed, knowing that this would come up sooner or later, so I said,
"On my planet humans are the only sapient life form and everything else is just an animal. As such we view anyone that would have sex with one to be one of the worst things you could do. Now this wouldn't be such a problem if your species didn't strongly resemble an animal, now I know you aren't animals, but since you all resemble them so much, I found it almost impossible to look at you all in that light. That is until Fluttershy kissed me... now I don't even know what to think, not to meantion that Celestia wants to use me like a cheap whore." Pinkie looked utterly shocked and asked,
"Celestia wants to do the dirty bunny hop with you?" I slapped my hand over my eyes and started to giggle at this odd choice of words for sex, but then Pinkie continued, "Wait, if you do find us attractive... then I still have a shot!" I rubbed the back of my head and responded,
"Yeah, I guess, but could you do me a favor a give me some time to figure out my own feeling about this before you start to really chase after me?" With those words said, Pinkie's hair burst back in to its former curly state and her lips had a devious grin as she said,
"Okay, but I want to be on equal ground with Fluttershy... I want a kiss!" I thought about what I had just seen when Pinkie's hair seemed to inflate like a balloon and I wondered what that could truly mean, but that would have to wait for later, when I had more time to think. I then took on a calculating look and thought about what the consequences of kissing her would be, but oddly enough I couldn't really find any.
"Alright, I guess that seems fair, but could you help me talk with Fluttershy as well? I would be nice of you to let her know you didn't hold any hard feelings." She thought about it, before nodding vigorously as she scooted up to me in a very friendly nature. I laughed under my breath while thinking 'I guess she is excited... well it's a whole lot better than having her mad at me, anyway I think I can handle this.' I then proceeded to look up, only to find that Pinkie was already taking her prize and wow can these ponies really freaking kiss, if anything, Pinkie's kiss was even hotter than Fluttershy's. There was a hunger in he kiss that was so probing, longing to take everything I had to give and finding reserves I didn't even know were there. It must have lasted for a good five minutes, and I was so enthralled that I barely even noticed the sex crazed sun goddess outside the window making a low whistling noise. Whoa, hold that phone, did I just say sex crazed sun goddess? I then I looked out the window again and sure enough she was flapping away while looking very entertained before she pushed the window open. My eyes widened while my kiss was finally broken and that was the point that she started to speak.
"Welllllll, if it isn't my favorite human, what are the odds, I guess pretty good since I was looking for you. You have been a rather busy boy it would seem, I like that, it's very... intriguing. Anyway, I would like to talk to you in private about that thing I told you about at the party, do you remember that? Ah I see that you do, anyway, after you are done enjoying yourself, perhaps I could get a few minutes of your time, maybe a half an hour?" All the while she continued to nod at me with a creepy grin and I was way out of my comfort zone, luckily Pinkie was in my corner and responded for me while showing of a rather good poker face.
"No can do Princess, I made a promise to James and I intend to keep it, which requires me to escort him around all day. I'm afraid that he simply doesn't have the time right now, but I'm sure you can ask him at a later date." Celestia made a pouty face while making an angry little sound, but she relented and said,
"Well, I guess I have no choice, but as soon as you have time James I want you to send me a letter." I looked around the room with slight fear before giving a thumbs up, hoping she wouldn't know that that wasn't a direct yes, for in actuality it was just a thumbs up and nothing more. She let out a huff before turning around and flying away, which brought a massive sigh from me and I quickly pulled Pinkie in to a hug.
"That was amazing Pinkie, I had no idea you could be so tricky, I might just have to kiss you again for saving my bacon." Pinkie tilted her head to the side and responded,
"Well another kiss sounds great, but if you have bacon then think I rather have that instead." This led me in to another fit of laughter, before I finally answered,
"Sorry Pinks, it's just a figure of speech, I'm fresh out of bacon, but I still have some kisses left." She responded with a sigh of her own before say,
"I guess it will have to do." I smiled at the crazy creature before me before giving her another kiss... it wasn't as long as the last one, but still pretty amazing. After the kiss, we decided to go down stairs and were greeted by Mrs. Cake, as she asked,
"So you two made up? That's wonderful, I was a little worried about you dear, you almost never get in to one of your moods unless it's very serious." Pinkie just smiled back and said,
"No need to worry Mrs. Cake, we did some talking and then some kissing and now I totally know that I'm going to get James in the bag, I can just feel it." I looked at Pinkie out of the corner of my eye and thought that maybe the second kiss wasn't the best choice, then I looked at Mrs. Cake, who was smirking while holding back laughter. 'Yep, the second kiss was a little to much... oh well, to late to cry over split milk now.'
Mrs. Cake gave me a lollipop and said,
"Here, it's on the house, consider it a prize for getting Pinkie out of her slump, I know how hard that can be." I rolled my eyes at the humorous tone in her voice, but took it anyway, I mean, free candy is free candy, who wouldn't take it? Well, unless it's offered from a creepy guy in a van, but I was pretty sure that she didn't own a van... almost positive.
Anyway, Pinkie and I went on our merry way and started down the road to Fluttershy's house, chatting about small, unimportant things, when we both heard a screaming coming from down the road. Being as I was taller, I was able to see what the problem was and I saw that it was in fact two very angry mares.
"Oh right, I totally forgot about that stunt I pulled on Rarity and Applejack, they do not look happy." I said and Pinkie looked at me while asking,
"What stunt? what did you do?" I looked sheepish as I responding,
"Well, we were at a slumber party with Twilight last night-" She let out an shocked gasp in the middle of my sentence and said,
"You all had a party and didn't invite me, how could you James?!"
"Well to be fair, you weren't really in the mood for a party and also it was storming pretty darn hard by the time I found out." She pouted, but waved me on with her hoof and I continued,
"Anyway, Rarity, Applejack and I had to sleep in the same bed-" I then stopped as I realized what I had just said, but Pinkie didn't seem to be fazed in the slightest, so I asked,
"That doesn't upset you?" she responded,
"No, should it?" I just shook my head in bewilderment while thinking, 'This pony is crazy, she gets mad that I had a party, but when I told her that I slept with a bunch of her friends she doesn't even flinch. That would have made any of my past relationships freak the hell out... ah whatever.' So I told her about how I awoke to find Celestia and abandoned her friends to the awkward situation, but this just got her to start laughing at my little, unintentional prank. This was about the time that the two ponies caught up to me and Rarity started first,
"James you flea ridden scoundrel, how dare you leave us in that awkward situation, do you have any idea how unpleasant it was to tell the princess we were just sleeping and nothing more? It was terrible, I have a mind to give you a good hoof beating." This was followed by Applejack putting in her two cents,
"Darn straight it was terrible, If some other stallion had pulled that on me, I would have up and castrated him, you low down snake." My eyes bugged out of my head as I instinctual whipped my hands over my boys and said,
"Y-you wouldn't really do that... would you?" She gave me the eye for a whole minute, making me start to sweat, before finally saying,
"Naw, I reckon I wouldn't, but the image did flash through my head more than once." I gulped before trying at an apology, but I was a little to slow and Pinkie decided to answer for me, much to my dismay.
"It's not his fault, the princess is trying to add him to the royal herd and he is very intimidated by her sexual desire." I just did a hard facepalm as both mares tried to wrap there heads around the oddity that was just spoken. Rarity was the first to ask the question.
"Why... why would you refuse the princess in becoming one of her consorts, she is the most beloved females on the entire planet? As I understand it, she is also very open with her relationships, allowing the stallions to keep relationships with other mares, not to mention, being apart of her herd puts you on the royal pay roll." My brain stopped working for a few seconds as the info was just a little to much for my meager mind to defrag. When it started to work again I screamed out,
"She wants to put me in her herd?! Good freaking lord... I-I-I need a strong drink, I thought she just wanted to have a one night stand. So you're telling me she would make booty calls whenever she wanted to?" Rarity had the decency to blush, but she nodded and said,
"As crude as you put it, yes, that would be how it would work... sometimes she would even have royal orgies, or so I have heard." Another brain fart........................................................................................................ annnnnndddd I'm back, well if I wasn't sure before, I am now, there is no way in hell am I going to have sex with her now. Applejack started to snicker and laughed out,
"hehehe, James is afraid of the Princess, somepony is either as timid as Fluttershy or he is a colt cutler." My face burned in embarrassment before I yelled out,
"Hey shut up, there is nothing wrong with being gay, but I don't play on that team! I just don't want to get involved with Princess Sunburn, she is way intimidating." Applejack rolled her eyes, but responded,
"Well, with this new info, I guess I can forgive ya, just don't make a habit of putting me in such a spot." Rarity nodded and said,
"I guess it wouldn't be very lady like to continue being angry with you when you had a good reason." I Sighed and thought 'All this shit is going to give me gray hair', but I just sucked it up and responded,
"Thank you girls, it won't happen again and I'm very sorry that I just ran away like that." So we went our separate ways and Pinkie and I soon got to Fluttershy's house, even thought it took about half and hour. I walked up to the door and knocked, this should be interesting to say the least. When no one answered I was a little confused and wondered if she was out doing something, but I chose to look around before leaving.
The first thing I tried was the big window on the other side of the house... and this turned out to be the right choice, for Fluttershy was sitting at a big table with an old fashion typewriter. She was hard at work it seemed and her tongue hung out the side of her mouth as she wrote, which was just adorable, or so I found. Pinkie was right next to me and she let out some giggles at the humorous image before I decided to knock on the window, which made Fluttershy shoot out of her seat with a little yelp. When she recovered she looked at me and Pinkie with absolute embarrassment, but I just ignored this and pointed towards the front of the house, to which she slowly nodded. We walked back around and Fluttershy opened the door with what appeared to be a good helping of fear, however I just figured it was because of the memory of the surprise kiss.
"Hey Fluttershy, I didn't know that you liked to write... uhh right I'm here for a reason, anyway I wanted to speak to you about what happened last week and so does Pinkie." I said as Fluttershy let out a terrified little squeak, but she still managed to nod meekly and point us in to the house. We all gathered around a small little table (well small to me at least) and I tried to get started,
"Okay, so here is the deal, I'm not angry about the kiss you took from me... mainly I'm more confused than anything else." Fluttershy let out a big sigh at this and gave me a big smile, knowing that she wasn't in trouble and I continued,
"I guess I'll start by telling you what happened with me and Pinkie and what I told her, that will remove a lot of questions. It all started with....."
Several minutes later
"And that is why I would like if you would both hold off until I have time to sort out my own feelings." Fluttershy for her part took it surprisingly well and agreed to take it slow, but she did bring up an issue or two.
"So... if you do decide to date... then which one of us will you choose?" All emotion fell of my face, to be replaced with a deadpan stare and I responded,
"Oh come on! That's just the sort of thing that I need to think about, don't go asking me that right now." Fluttershy flinched, but Pinkie decided to put in her opinion,
"Don't mind James, he has a lot on his plate, what with us wanting to date him and Celestia wanting to get him in to the royal herd." I groaned and responded,
"Pinkie! I didn't mention that for a reason, that's the sort of thing that I don't really want to get around, please don't tell anybody else." Pinkie smiled sheepishly and somehow managed to zip her mouth closed, but the cat was out of the bag and Fluttershy let out a surprised gasp.
"Princess Celestia wants you in her herd? How terrifying! I have heard that she has very odd tastes, like using whips and full body suits." With everything I learn about Celestia, I find myself more and more traumatized, but this seemed to be the cherry on the scary ass cake that is Celestia. I had a full body shiver as I said,
"What the hell is wrong with your leader and why does everyone seem to just take this all as acceptable actions for a Princess?" Pinkie unzipped her lip and started to giggle, before responding,
"Well she has ruled for a few thousand years and kept a near world wide peace for an untold amount of time. Plus she doesn't keep her herd a secret, it is just a little quirk that everypony accepts as apart of her lifestyle." I just sighed and responded,
"Your culture is just weird, humans look on harems or herds as you put it as an abuse of power, I mean I know that your numbers are just that disproportionate, but still, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth." For some reason, Pinkie gasped at my little rant, but then I found out why.
"We should form a herd with James, Fluttershy, why didn't I think of that, how silly of me, I didn't need to be all grouchy at you this whole time, we could share him!" My eyes nearly popped out of my head and I screamed,
"Wait, what!? I didn't agree to this.. are you two listening to me!?" Fluttershy started to tear up and I thought that my yelling had done that to her but I was wrong, for she said,
"Really Pinkie? I don't even know what to say, that's just so nice, I accept."
"What the hell is happening here!? Can you girls hear me? I don't agree to this!" Pinkie smiled at me and responded,
"Oh James, don't be such a stick in the mud, we are still going to try to get you to date us and it will your decision whether or not we are compatible, but a herd is the perfect idea. It solves everything..... unless you want to hurt both our feelings by not giving it a chance?" Then they both broke out the weaponized cuteness and stared in to my heart and soul with extremely sad eyes. I cringed and babbled out,
"I-I-I d-d-don't... know... but we... I-I-I ohhhhh crap, alright I guess...............why do I feel like I just became some sort of slave?" Pinkie giggled with a sultry smile and responded,
"Don't be silly James, you will love what we do with you." I was not expecting that and my jaw dropped to the floor as I tried to form thoughts, but nothing came to me and I was forced to just sit for a few minutes while my mind adjusted to the sexiness. Finally I changed course and said,
"Soo, umm Fluttershy, what were you writing before we got here?" If I thought she was blushing before then this would be considered a new form of face mannerism, because it looked as if someone was choking her and all the blood in her body was now in her head. She managed to squeak out that it was something she didn't want to talk about, but Pinkie doesn't take no for an answer it would seem and she pulled the paper right off the table. She then began to speak,
"The tall bipedal demon know as Games had caught Flitter in the silver forest and he was finally going to enact his terrible vengeance. Flitter had reached a dead end in the moonlit foliage and she knew she would pay for stealing Games enchanted rose, his one true possession. She couldn't help herself though, it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen and she knew that she had to have it. This however was a moot point, for she had no idea what Games would do to her and this scared and excited her like nothing she had ever felt before. The prospect of the demon tearing in to her soft, supple flesh was to much to bare and she was soon a cowering mass at the base of the tree she now occupied. Games towered over Flitter with his strange fur-less body that extenuated his rippled muscular flesh, as his oddly beautiful but terrible face looked down without pity. She prayed that it would be a quick death, but it never came and instead she found herself picked off the ground in to an almost tender embrace.
To say that she was confused would be to say that water is wet, it needn't be said, and she slowly turned her eyes up in to his small glittering pools of pain and anger that were his eyes. She could feel his heavy panting from his chest as his head got ever closer to her own and she was soon on the verge of absolute, fear induced madness. Then his mouth made contact with her soft, Lilith neck and she could feel his teeth on her bare skin, but he didn't bite down like she thought he would. Instead he started to suckle and lick up and down her throat, which sent flickers of excitement to shoot up her spine in almost rapturous pleasure.
Flitter could hardly even begin to fathom what Games was doing to her, but she knew she wanted more, luckily Games was happy to comply.The feeling of the slight prickle that were his teeth made contact every few seconds, making her heart skyrocket to a shattering pace, but every time he removed them she would feel such a great longing that it was unbearable. His hot lips ever so slowly made there way down her body, first her breast, then her stomach and finally her thighs, which made her want to push his head deeper in to her nethers.
It was at this time that her foggy brain was finally able to connect what Games was about to do, he was about to take her prized flower, just as she had done to him. At this point she was more that willing to allow him to do so if this was just the build up, for she knew she was close to her first release." It was at this point that Pinkie finally stopped reading and let out a hot breath while fanning herself with a hoof.
"Wowy zowy Fluttershy, I had no idea that you could write such amazing clop, can I buy a copy when you're done?" She said, however she then noticed that both Fluttershy and I were in a state of shock and something seemed to click in her head. This filled the air with an awkward haze as all three of us realized the true meaning behind the story and we all knew that we knew in turn. I was the first to come up with something to say after some time had past,
"So I take it that clop means erotica,... do... do you write a lot of these types of stories?" Fluttershy gulped, but managed to responded,
"Umm yes... it's how I make a living, no one pays me to take care of animals and I find that my books sell pretty fast... oh dear! Please don't tell anypony, I use a pen name and I would hate for this to get out." Both Pinkie and I promised, which set Fluttershy at ease and everything seemed to die down, giving me the perfect time to state that I had to go, but I decided to say one more thing before I left.
"Uh hum! One more thing before I go, I would uhh also like a copy when you finish... okay bye!" I said as I rushed out the door, in the direction of the library, leaving both Fluttershy and Pinkie too stunned to catch up.
30 minutes later
I rushed in to library and quickly, but quietly shut the door behind me, looking around cautiously for any signs of life. Ever so slowly I crept around the corner in search of Twilight and I soon found her sorting books, so I spoke quietly,
"Psst Twilight, is Celestia gone?" Twilight looked up at me and smiled before saying,
"Oh James it's you, yes, Celestia is gone, she has been for a few hours now. By the way, where did you head off to in such a hurry this morning?" I chuckled and said,
"Ah, I just had to get this Pinkie and Fluttershy issue sorted out, and now everything is in the clear. Anyway, I need my remote back." Twilight shrugged and ran up to her room for a few minutes, before coming back down with my remote in her magic grip. I gratefully took it back and said,
"Just for future reference, please don't take this from me without asking again, I may need to return home right away and if I didn't have it I would be fresh out of luck." She smiled sheepishly from my reprimand and responded,
"Sorry James, I'll make sure to ask next time." I smiled at this and said,
"No problem Twilight, well I have got to go, but if your teacher asks, tell her that I just didn't have the time to write a letter." She looked at me with a raised eyebrow, but I was too quick on the draw that time and all that was left was a fading image.
Another day in the beautiful town of Ponyville and it is clear blue skies for as far as the eye can see, not a single trouble to be found, in fact there is no one at all to be found... what gives? Did all the ponies suddenly become deathly afraid of me again? or maybe there is some sort of emergency that must be dealt with? Well whatever it is, I suddenly felt unnerved and reached for my handgun instinctual. With gun in hand, I made my way towards the middle of town, when I spotted some familiar faces, Spike and Twilight.
"Spike, Twilight, what's going on?" I asked as I continued to observe the empty streets, but neither seemed to know what was going on either. Spike looked just a nervous as me and asked,
"Do you think it could be zombies?" I laughed at this and said,
"That's funny, I asked that when I first showed up here... you know I never did find out if you have zombies on this planet." Which I followed up by looking questioningly at Twilight, along with Spike, but she just giggled and told us that we read to many comic books, which I guess meant no.
We continued on until we reached Sugarcube Corner, when suddenly a giant pink worm popped out from behind the door and started to lure us over, it even knew our names. Pinkies head then popped over the the door (ah, that makes a lot more sense) and she pulled us all in, whispering about something terrifying. Turns out that Pinkie wasn't the only one hiding inside the establishment and all the rest of the girls were gathered around, as well as Applebloom. Twilight asked what they were all hiding from and Applejack pointed out the window at a cloaked pony, or at least that's what it looked like, but this was when it looked at use with yellow glowing eyes.
"Oh that's neat, glowy eyes." I said out loud, but no one seemed to share my sentiment and most of the girls started to tell us about how this Zecora was evil, but the more I heard, the more it started to sound like what happened to me when I showed up in town. Then Zecora took off her hood and I was able to see what she really was.
"Oh, look at that, a zebra... wait really? Zecora the zebra, her parents must have been very uninspired when they named her." I said, but my humorous comment went unnoticed for the more pressing matter of what a zebra was, (not for me, but the ponies) which Twilight explained. It pretty much boiled down to that they were foreigners from another land, but then Twilight asked where Zecora lived, which was answered with the Everfree forest. They explaining how the plants grew by themselves, the animals cared for themselves and the clouds moved on there own. I scoffed and said,
"Seriously? I pulled my handgun out for this? Back you go Hank... anyway, you do know that is how my entire planet works right? Not to mention that our sun and moon move by themselves, without the need of some magic to set them in motion. I am failing to see why this zebra is scarier that me and why you all seem to be shunning her, It's totally not cool by the way. I mean I was treated like this by the rest of the ponies in town when I got here and I didn't like it at all, so think about how she would feel." The girls decided to ignore me and defend there view by telling me more about Zecora and how she was "evil", but all of there reasons were highly fear based and had nothing to do with anything remotely evil (even if Pinkies song and dance was pretty catchy). Twilight, Applebloom and I weren't buying it, but where Twilight decided to defend Zecora, I decided to go and talk to Zecora to prove the high level of stupidity they were all indulging in. I walked out the door, towards the pony sized zebra, but oddly no one seemed to notice me go and I walked right up to her.
"Hello, my name is James and I am the local human, how do you do?" Zecora looked up in utter surprise and asked,
"I have never seen a creature such as you, do your kind come from across the deep blue?" I smiled at the odd rhyming trait of this zebra and replied,
"Farther, I come for another planet, it's called earth. It's a rather long story, but the short version is that I found my way here by accident, but retained the ability to travel between both worlds. By some odd twist of fate, I now have to come back to this town every week and interact with the local ponies or I may find myself in a large amount of trouble. Anyway, I noticed that the ponies seem to be afraid of you and I just wanted to apologizes for there poor way of treating you." She smiled at me and responded,
"What an odd story for you to weaved, it would almost be to hard for me to believe, but as for your kind words and the heart felt apology, I thank you with a smile and compliment you biology." I grinned widely at the compliment and decided to try to get a rise out of Zecora by returning,
"Thanks, you look pretty good yourself, with your tight curves and exotic strips. You pull off the mystical beauty look very well." I followed this with a wink and the results were fantastic, for Zecora blushed and looked like she wanted to run away, but she had the decency to respond first.
"If you would excuses me I must go and return to my hut, potions need mixing before the days end and my doors shut." With that she turned and ran away, leaving me holding back giggles as she practically fled the area with an embarrassed glow to her cheeks. However at that second, Applebloom came rushing past me, towards the direction that Zecora had gone and she looked determined. I started to follow after and yelled,
"Hey Applebloom, what ya doing?" She looked back and returned,
"If you can speak to Zecora than so can I, I'll show you all that I'm a big pony!" I sighed as I realized that some sort of wacky hijinks were about to occur, but I followed along anyway because as an adult, it was my job to protect the young, even it was from themselves. I raced after the small foal, screaming,
"Applebloom stop! Zecora is headed in to the Everfree, you know the place that has a bunch of bloodthirsty monsters creeping in it. Applebloom!" Sadly Applebloom didn't seem to hear me and continued to run straight for the dark, mystical forest. (Well here we go again!)
Thirty minutes later, Within the Everfree Forest
I had been chasing Applebloom for a good while now and I could see a field of foreboding blue flowers up ahead, so I decided to put on a little more speed to catch her. I sprinted behind her before leaping after her to stop her from getting to the untrustworthy flowers, but I misjudged the distance and flew head first in to the field. This happened so quickly that I didn't hear the rest of the girls running up behind and screaming for Applebloom to stop.
Applebloom to her credit, did in fact stop, but that didn't really help me for I could feel immediately congested from the pollen in the flowers, stuffed in to my face. I have always had an allergy to most flowers, but it never was this quick of a reaction before, but I guess that one couldn't really tell with an alien flora. I got to my feet to find that the girls had followed me in to the flowers and were glaring at something in the distance, so I followed there gaze to find Zecora. She however did not look happy and started to rhyme speak about the plants we were standing in, more or less saying that they were dangerous.
"Oh damn it, I knew that there was something odd about these flowers, I wondar waatiss wonng wiitthh tem... ahhhh iiee cee." I said as my tongue started to swell up, but oddly enough the girls just ignored what I was saying and started yelling out stupid stuff about Zecora and her rhyming, calling it a curse. I facepalmed before yelling,
"Enufffff! Shiiee ethh not weavel." but sadly they didn't understand what I had said and they all just looked at me funny, but that was when I started to have a rather extreme headache, I might even call it a migraine. I let out a low, painful moan and my vision started to get blurry, which I wasn't thrilled about at all, before I started to feel my lungs tightening up. At this point I knew I was in real trouble, but there wasn't much I could do, and then the hacking started, which I'm pretty sure lead to me coughing up blood, but I really don't remember much after that moment. I do remember Twilight yelling out my name, but that is pretty much it.
A few hours later
When I came to, I was in Twilight's spare bed and covered in a blanket, but what I really noticed right away was that I was naked. I looked around the room and found all of my friends either waiting or sleeping, so I opened my sore throat and asked,
"What happened? I feel like someone hit me with a truck." This got all eyes on me and any ponies that were asleep woke up, as a tide of happy equines descended upon me with relieved eyes. I soon found myself in a group hug, but this just added to my confusion, however Twilight soon answered my question.
"Oh James, we're so glad you are okay! I teleported you to the hospital and they told me that you had an extreme reaction to those blue flowers we were standing in. They then gave you a shot and you started to looking like yourself again... I asked if you should stay and recover, but they told me that they didn't have a large enough bed to accommodate you, however they did say that you would be just fine in a few hours, so I took you home and used my spare bed." I smiled at this and replied,
"I guess the rest of the girls followed you then-" This bought me an extra round of hugs from the ponies that were crowding the bed I was in and I instantly aware of how very thin the sheet covering me was.
"Uhh, so why am I naked?" Twilight smiled sheepishly and responded,
"Well I had to wash your clothes so they didn't have any pollen left on them, but this also allowed me to study your body and take those picture that you were so resistant to take." I sighed and asked,
"Did you at least make them tasteful? I would hate to have nude pic's floating around that didn't capture my best side... but on a more serious note, I would like those pictures, I didn't give consent for those to be taken." Twilight pouted and asked,
"But why? They almost complete the file I have on you, I still need the semen sample, but I can wait on that. Besides that, your body is very beautiful when it isn't covered in all those clothes." I slapped my hand in to my face a few times while groaning and responded,
"Twilight, I didn't want to go in to this, but you don't really leave me any choice on the matter. Humans wear clothes for a multitude of reasons, warmth, style and protection come to mind, but the main reason is modesty. Humans connect being naked with sexuality and the less we have on the more it affects each other in that regard. It isn't the same for those of the same sex... most of the time, but it still makes us highly uncomfortable. We don't have fur or tails or sheaths to hide our genitals and since we stand straight up, they are always on display." Meanwhile, Twilight was furiously writing down what I had said and she had a great big smile as she did so, but all the other ponies were now looking down at my blanket that covered my waist with interest.
"I wondered why it was just hanging out like a limp noddle when Twilight undressed you, now I know... so no sheath, does that mean that it is as large as it gets?" Pinkie asked as I hide my face behind my hands, before saying,
"No, that is it at rest, it gets about three times longer, if you must really know." Pinkie sighed and said,
"Oh thank goodness! I was a little worried there for a second." I rolled my eyes and decided that a new topic was a good idea,
"Soooo, what happened to Applebloom? I don't see her around." Applejack had a sour look as she said,
"I had her go home to clean out the pig pens, it just ain't right how she disobeyed me like that! She knows that Zecora is one of those evil voodoo witches." A funny look crossed my face as I responded,
"Okay, what the hell! I talked to her and there is nothing wrong with her, maybe the rhyming thing that she does is a little odd, but she isn't evil, so why in the world would you all have such prestigious against her? And no more stupid excuses." Applejack suddenly looked afraid as sweat beaded on her face and I knew something was up, but before I could really grill her, Pinkie screamed out,
"No Applejack! He isn't an earth pony, he wouldn't understand!" I looked over at Pinkie with confusion, as well as the rest of the girls and at that point Pinkie realized what she had said, which lead to her slapping both her hooves over her mouth in shock. I gave Applejack a piercing gaze and growled out,
"Spill it Applejack, I don't care if you don't think I will understand, something isn't right here and I won't stand for it!" Applejack looked utterly downtrodden as she let out a sad little sigh, but she still did as I asked and said,
"It's like this, A small group of earth ponies have known about zebras for generations, but we never shared what we knew with the other races because of the terrible secret. There are a few families in every town across equestria that know the secret and it was passed down for generations. The truth is that Zebras and earth ponies have a long history together. It all started back a few hundred years ago, a large group of earth ponies were looking to set up a new town on the outskirts of Equestria when they found them. At first the ponies were overjoyed at finding others that were just like them, but that soon changed when it was found out that Zebras were a highly war like race. Everything about the Zebras was centered around being able to fight and kill, which terrified the earth ponies. If the other pony races found out about how similar the Zebras were to the earth ponies then they would bring shame to all earth pony kind.
You have to realizes that earth ponies were looked down upon as a lesser race for the longest time and only in the last half century has all the bias finally started to die. Unlike what pony history may tell you, racism didn't die with the combining of the three tribes, it only brought it to an unhappy truce. We spread the lies about Zebras because It would have ruined what little respect we had from the Pegasus and unicorns if the Zebra had been compared to all earth ponies.
I guess that it really isn't relevant any more, now that I think about it, but it has always been pounded in to our heads that It would devastate the earth pony way and no pony has had the courage to step up and end it."
I looked around the room and found looks of shame and shock on many faces, I guess reveling a cultures dark history will do that, but I just smiled and said,
"Thank you for telling me and you all don't have to look so ashamed, my country has a much more terrible past then anything you might find in your own. So don't think that I don't understand, however that doesn't mean that amends shouldn't be made. In order to brake the chain of hate, someone needs to make a stand and stop the bad behavior and simply put, Zecora deserves an apology." All the ponies looked even more ashamed, well except for Twilight, who looked smug, but I ignored that and continued,
"Now I do believe that I'm close to passing out, guess I need some more rest, anyway you girls should head home and prepare to apologizes to Zecora tomorrow." A round of nodding later and everyone began to clear out of the spare room I was in. Twilight remained behind however and she looked like she wanted to say something, which she did.
"How do you do that? You somehow always manage to steer ponies toward a better choice that no pony even thought about as an option, but you do it in such a way that no pony ever knows you are doing it. I didn't even know you were doing it until just now, but you do it all the time, what is up with that?" I laughed and said,
"I guess it's a talent that my whole family has, we have always been able to change a mob mentality without looking like we are doing so, plus my perspective as a human gives me a different way of seeing things. Now then, I hope that quenches your thirst for knowledge, because I really do need to sleep." Twilight blushed and responded,
"Umm yeah, Goodnight James." I yawned and responded,
"Goodnight Twilight."
The next day
I awoke to find that my whole body ached and not in a pleasant 'I just worked out and feel the burn but its good' ache, no, this was a 'I think someone removed my kidneys in my sleep and I may need a machine to live from now on' ache. I pulled myself out of bed, but I soon face-planted in to the floor with a thud followed with me groaning in pain. I wobbled on to my hands and legs as I tried to figure out why I couldn't stand straight, but then I finally looked down. What I found would scar my mind for the rest off my life and awakened a fear I didn't even know I had.
(just in case you are deprived of the video, I wouldn't want you to not experience the brilliance that were my thoughts, that would be terrible loss. damn it, why doesn't sarcasm translate in to the written word.)
"wha... what is this? whats going on here, wha... what...what the hell, ehh, ehhhh, ehhhhhh! What the, ahh, ahhha, ahhhhhhhhhh!" my My mind refused to believe what it was seeing, but my lips were perfectly capable of expressing how unhappy I truly was. I had somehow turned in to a pony and by God was I pissed, I must have ranted and raved for a good ten minutes, until I finally stopped and allowed my mind to take back control.
When it did, I noticed that I was perfectly walking on my own without having to practice, but then I focused on what I was doing and immediately fell back on to the ground. I got back on to my hooves (nooooo!) and tried to walked again, but crashed back down, so I decided to think about what I was doing wrong. I figured out that it must be instinct that was allowing me to walk around without aid, so I focused on the wall as I allowed my body to work on its own. It worked and I was soon moving towards the the walk, but I then found that my legs were facing the wrong direction when I moved. This was highly disconcerting, but I focused on the way the muscles moved and I was soon able to recreate the moments without falling flat on to my face.
I celebrated my small victory and moved towards the door, but then I noticed a new challenge, hooves shouldn't be able to work a door knob. I rubbed my chin with my hoof and started to think, but then I realized that what I was doing was something I shouldn't be able to do. Not only was I rubbing my chin, but I was bending my leg in a way it shouldn't be able to move... my jimmies were rustled. I warily continued to play with my hooves and I somehow held on to my face, which defied everything I knew about the ability of holding something and how solid objects worked. I quickly let go of my preconceived ideas and assumed it must have been some sort of magic, which calmed me greatly.
After this new outlook, I was able to turn the knob of the door, but I remembered the few things that were inside of my pocket the day before. I found them on a little table next to the bed, but I soon found that they would be little use to me in the form I found myself in. Key and wallet... completely worthless, handgun and remote, not gonna happen in this body. Yep, there was no reason to take them with me, at least until I found a way to return to my original body.
I let out a long sigh and thought about anything else I should do before leaving the room, but nothing came to mind and I finally left. I stepped in to the library to find the main six, (that has a catchy ring to, don't you think?) but something was wrong with them as well. Twilight's horn was limp, Pinkie's tongue was overinflated, Rarity's hair looked like a sheep dog's, Applejack was tiny and perched on top of her sister (strangely, nothing was wrong with Applebloom), Rainbow's wings were on backwards, and I was yet to see what was wrong with Fluttershy. However I soon found out when she was forced to talk by the others and I heard how incredibly deep her voice was, which made me say out loud,
"Damn girl, that's a deep voice, I bet you could stand in for Barry White." This earned me a group wide gasp and I was suddenly aware that I was now occupying a different body that no one had ever seen before. Twilight was first to speak,
"Who are you!? and how did you get in to my house!?" I laughed and responded,
"Who do you think I am? Santa? It's me, James!" Another gasp ripped through the small room as realization was grasped and everyone started to crowd around me. I sighed as I was poked and prodded, but soon I felt something cold prodding my most sensitive area, causing me to whip my head around with wide eyes.
"Pinkie! Did you just stick your nose in between my thighs?!" Pinkie started to sweat while blushing and she started to nod yes, before quickly changing her mind and shaking her head no. My tail quickly wrapped around my underside and I eyed Pinkie with suspicion.
"No! Bad Pinkie, no trying to molest me!" I yelled out and Pinkie just shrugged with a bit of a blush remaining on her face, like it couldn't be helped. I continued to give her the eye until Rarity decided to speak up next.
"Wahhaha-wow James, you have the same coloring as when you were a human, well except for that awful blue strip and I must say that you cut a rather striking figure, who knew you could be so handsome" I lost focus on Pinkie when I was distracted by Rarity's speech and responded,
"So I guess you didn't find me to be very handsome as my human self?" Rarity gulped and said,
"Well.. no, not really, but now you actually look pretty good." I laughed in slight pain and responded,
"Oww my pride, you really know how to hit a guy where it hurts. Heck, Celestia said that I looked rather good, but I guess she does have odd tastes." Rarity blushed when she realized how she sounded, but before she could rectify what she had said, Fluttershy intervened,
"I think that you are just as handsome as you were then as you are now." She said this with her wings erected behind her back and a big blush on her face, which I found to be rather brave of her.
"Thank you very much Fluttershy, that makes me feel better. Well anyway, we should probably find out why we are all like this." Applejack decided to respond to this as she said,
"I know why we are like this, it's because of that low down, no good Zecora!" I sighed and responded,
"Didn't we confirm that Zebras don't have those kinds of powers and it is all just a bunch of hogwash?" Applejack blushed widely and said,
"Oh yeah... sometimes I forget that those are lies and not the real thing." Then she hung her head in shame, which I decided I had to rectify.
"No need for that, We can apologize later........ in fact I think that she could help us, she tried to warn us about those flowers yesterday and I think that they did this to us." I said as it occurred that the blue strip in my hair was the exact same shade of blue as the flowers, just like the spots on Pinkie and Twilight. Suddenly Applebloom's eyes bugged out of her head and she gasped loudly.
"Wait just an Apple picking minute, are you telling me that all those mean things that everypony has been saying about Zecora are just a bunch a lies?" Applebloom screeched out and the immature thought of 'Uh oh, looks like somebodies in trouble.' popped in to my head, but luckily for me I had the common sense to keep that thought within my brain. Applejack looked as if she someone has branded her butt with a hot poker and she was forced to look in to the much larger eyes of her little sister.
"Now Applebloom... you don't understand, we were just doin it to-to-to....uhhh, shoot, there ain't no good reason, I'm sorry for keeping this a secret from you Bloom. I promise that I won't lie to you again to protect an ancient secret held by all earth pony kind in the hopes of preserving our good image." Applebloom took on a look of confusion, but after a few seconds she responded,
"No problem big sis, I don't really get what you just said, but I do know that you apologized and that's good enough." I stifled a fit of giggles at the oddity of the situation, but then I decided to say,
"Right, we better go and get this all fixed up then, I want to spend as little time as a pony a necessary. Not to be rude, but this is absolutely terrible, I'm so freaking short! My whole body is constantly itchy and all my senses are way out of whack, I mean I can smell what Pinkie had for breakfast for God's sake. (It was Pancakes by the way) Plus I really, really, REALLY miss my hands." This got some eye rolls and few giggles, but we all agreed that we had to change this right away, so out the door we went.
A few minutes later
I was walking down the road when I started to take notice of something, when you are turned in to a male pony and are walking behind female ponies, you will quickly become aware of how good female pony behinds look. The next thing you will become aware of is the fact that you are completely naked and that if you aren't careful, it will quickly become apparent how excited there posteriors make you. I was quickly forced to look away in to the surrounding area when my eyes found Dash trying to fly along side us (and failing spectacularly) and I was soon focused on her butt. 'Damn it, cute pony ass in every direction I look, I need to focus on something else and fast.' I decided to comment on something that had been bothering me for since I found the girls this morning.
"Dash! If you are going to keep crashing every time you fly, then stop freaking flying and walk for the love of God!" This must have been the twentieth time she had crash in to the surrounding landscape and it was really starting to get on my nerves.
"Oh yeah, I can walk.. hehe!" This made me facehoof, which really freaking hurt by the way, (hooves are not good for hitting ones face) and Dash finally started to walk along side us all, well except for Applebloom. She was running along the road up ahead in childish glee and It was at this point that Applejack decided to make her presence known by yelling in to my ear,
"So Sugarcube, I can't help notice that both Fluttershy and Pinkie are eying you like you are made of chocolate and caramel, anything you want to tell the rest of the girls?" I faltered in my walking and reached up to hold my very sensitive, pony ear she had yelled in to. I whimpered before responding,
"You know you don't have to yell, I'm pretty sure I can hear at least four times better than I could before, and to answer your poorly veiled question...... they want to start a herd with me." This got a round of squeals as all the ponies 'Femaled' out on me and I was forced to cover my aching ears. After the pain ended, Rarity spoke first,
"Oh ho ho, this is so very juicy, please do go on Darling." I sighed and responded,
"Not much to tell, I need time to sort out my feeling on the issue and the girls agreed to give me some space to do that." Rarity huffed and said,
"That can't be everything, I can see the way both of them are blushing at you, come on James, spill the beans!" True to her word both girls were giggling and giving me googly eyes, while blushing fiercely, and for some reason Fluttershy's wings were still completely stuck straight out. I bared my teeth and decided to come out with the whole story, so that it wouldn't come back to bite me in the butt, so I told them about earth custom, taboos and everything else that they needed to hear.
"That is very interesting and all, but I just know there is something we are missing, out with it." Rarity said, while hounding me for every last tidbit.
"Well, I did kiss Pinkie twice. but other than that I don't think I can remember anything else." There was another group wide gasp and Rarity eyes shinned with an terrifying glow.
"You not only kissed Fluttershy, but Pinkie as well and twice for good measure?! James, do you have some sort of sexy, stallion magic that you haven't told us about?" Rarity said and I rolled my eyes before returning,
"I don't have any magic at all, Twilight had me tested." This oddly got Twilight to stare at me with intensity for a whole minute, before saying,
"Now that I think about it, you really shouldn't have been able to turn in to a pony, that would take a huge amount of inner magic, and not only that, but pony specific magic. James, I may need to test you again when we get back to the library, something could be very wrong." Suddenly everything went deathly quite and I was left to wonder what other terrible things the blue flower had done to me.
We continued on in to the dark forest and the area matched the unpleasant thoughts I had whirling inside my head, but that didn't last long for Fluttershy walked up to me and started to talk in her deep voice.
"I'm sure you are just fine James, in fact I know that you are uhh... 'fine'." She put a lot of emphases on the word fine and I had to do a double take, 'did she just flirt with me', but before I contemplate this anymore she continued,
"You know you really do make a very handsome stallion, maybe you should stay in this form a little longer... if that is okay with you I mean." I smiled at Fluttershy's now obvious and adorable attempt at flirting, but I decided to be firm in my resolve.
"No can do Fluttershy, you all may be okay with being ponies, but I am so uncomfortable being a pony right now that if given the choice I would eat a big bag of dirt in exchange for being human again." Fluttershy let out a sad sigh and simply said, "Oh", which made me feel for her plight and I continued,
"But if you want to ogle me while I walk, feel free to look, I'll even give you a little show." and with that I moved if front of her and started to shake my rump and beat box a silly song to dance to, all the while I looked back at her while wiggling my eyebrows. I was expecting a little bit of giggling, but what I got instead was much more entertaining, Fluttershy's wings shot straight back up and she seemed to be hypnotized by my ass dance. At this point I had started to make the connection to wings and arousal, but I decided that I didn't really mind so much. What happened next however really started to amuse me, for Pinkie joined Fluttershy and started to nod along with my butt and she even tried to say something,
"Whoohh, Shaakk youuoou mooonneey maakar Jaaamms!" It was garbled, but I still understood and continued to shake what my mama gave me, earning a big grin from Pinkie, around her swelled tongue.
This was about the time that we stumbled upon Zecora's hut, all the while I was still shaking my butt, which had extreme consequences that I wouldn't have predicted ever actually happening to me. Turns out that there was a big, scary panther like thing made of some sort of black rock and it was near by when I started my impromptu show. Anyway, this rock stalker, as I soon found out later was it's name, was attracted by my posterior gyrating and started to stalk me, surprise surprise. However the best part about all of this is the fact that the rock stalker has an incredibly large territory and if we had shown up just a few minutes later I'm sure we would have completely past it up. Sadly we didn't pass it up and I soon had the monster pounce on my ass with it's very sharp claws, scaring all the girls, not to mention awakening the very strong fight or flight response in my altered pony brain. The reaction was near instantaneous when it sunk it's claws in me, my eyes enlarged to as big as they would go, I started to scream like a banshee, adrenaline shot in to my veins and I fled towards the nearest area of safety, Zecora's hut.
I burst through the door like a bat out of hell and started bucking with all of my might, completely losing any intelligence and turning to straight instinct. I vaguely remember destroying Zecora's home, but the thing at the forefront of my mind was the howling, cat like thing on my booty. It wouldn't let go no mater how hard I tried to shake it and I was quickly losing steam, but then, luckily for me, my savior came in the form of a bad ass zebra, wielding a long bamboo staff. Zecora stepped out of the shadows with a look of fury in her eyes and she quickly got to work on laying a beat down on the unprepared rock stalker. I had no idea that a stick made of bamboo could withstand the fierce strikes that Zecora pounded upon the big, stupid cat, but it held up as she proceeded to beat the kitty off my butt and around her entire hut (ha, more rhymes). After a few minutes of absolute pain, the rock stalker could take no more and shot out of the little shack while crying out in stupefied terror.
I slumped down on to the floor as the adrenaline faded from my body and the girls piled in to the hut, all the while crowding around Zecora in excitement and telling her how amazing she was. Fluttershy on the other hand shot over to me, quickly starting to freak out over the wounds I had collected and she was soon fondling my posterior, but in the most unpleasant way possible. Soon my butt was wrapped in gauze and I had no idea where it came from, but none the less the pain started to recede, which allowed me to focus on my surroundings. The entire place was in shambles, which made me blanch and I had to gain Zecora's attention so I could speak to her.
"Oh man, Zecora I'm so sorry about your home, I wasn't thinking at all when I busted in here, please forgive me for my stupidity." Zecora just rolled her eyes and responded,
"Any creature would have acted the same, then surely you are not to blame. However I do not think that we have met, so please tell me how you know my name as of yet?" I grinned and said,
"Ah, about that... you see I have only been a pony for the past few hours, so I think that you would know my name as James." Zecora looked utterly surprised and blushed a little before returning,
"It would seem that the Poison Joke did quite the number on you, but you make a fine stallion, this is surely true." I laughed and responded,
"Yeah, I'm getting that a lot lately, but I would really like the cure for this if you wouldn't mind. All my senses are bombarding me and what used to be a small trickle is now a sea of information, it is really starting to drive me insane. So please tell me that there is an easy way to fix this for I don't know how much more I can take." Zecora blanched and returned,
"I am sorry my friend, the pot of brew held what you needed to be cured, but worry not in the end for a solution has been assured." I raised my eyebrow with curiosity and asked,
"What do I need to do?"
One hour later Back in town
Turns out that the cure was a concoction Zecora could easily make, but she needed a few ingredients she didn't have. Luckily the ingredients could be found back in town and on the way back the girls profusely apologized for being so very racist. Zecora accepted their apologies with grace and poise, as Rarity would probably say, but that still left us with the task of collecting the ingredients for the dumb hick locals, which also proved to be rather easy. Twilight managed to calm the holders of the herbs we needed and we soon found ourselves at the town spa with the herbs in tow.
After setting up the hot tub with the cure we all went in one by one and soon I was the last standing outside the bubbling brew. I watched everyone change back with little to no resistance, but I was a little wary of what the effects would be on me, when I knew that the magic was on my whole body. However, it didn't stop me for long and I decided to jump right in, the howling could be heard for miles I'm told.
Where as the change happened when I was asleep the first time, this time I was completely aware of my body morphing back and it was utterly terrible. In a matter of seconds, my whole body was torn apart by magic and quickly placed back together in human form. When I stopped screaming, I soon found that the pain had dissipated in to nothing, as if that made since, but I wasn't going to question it and was soon sighing in relief as the warm water flowed over me. The girls however weren't going let it be and Twilight soon screamed out,
"James! What happened?! All we felt was a lite tingling, but you sounded like you were in absolute pain. Do you need to go to a doctor?" I smiled lazily and responded,
"I feel great now, I guess it just had a more violent reaction with me, but no, I don't need a doctor." All the girls looked at me with varying degrees of confusion, but they all soon let it go, well, except for Twilight, but she decided to remain quite for the time. So we relaxed after the unpleasant days events and enjoyed each others company, but Zecora soon had to return to her hut and after about an hour we all had to get out of the tub. This was when I remembered that I didn't have any clothes on and that none were nearby to be used.
"What's wrong there sugarcube, you look like you just saw a ghost." Applejack asked, and I quickly responded,
"I forgot that I was completely naked and well... you know the conversation we had about...umm, my dangily bits? Yeah... maybe you should take your sister outside, if you don't want her to start asking questions, that is." Applejack started to chuckle, but complied and escorted her sister outside, much to Applebloom's confusion. I blushed a little while I got out of the tub and all the girls got an eyeful, but I just figured that it was mostly all in my own head and this seemed to be true for they didn't really seem to care. Except for Pinkie, that is, who now able to talk without impediment decided to voice what she was feeling,
"Woooo! Look at that tight butt, makes me want to take a bite, *growl*." I was filled with such conflicting emotions at that moment, on the one side was extreme embarrassment, but on the other side was a severe case of pride. So with a large blush I strutted over to the dry towels and wrapped it around my midsection. When I turned around I found that the all of the girls (except for Pinkie) were now blushing with as much strength as I was. I laughed and said,
"Thanks Pinkie, no one has ever said something so.. unique about my body before. Anyway, I'm probably head over to Twilight's and let her test me for... whatever it is she wants to test for, before I head home, anyone want to come with?" I got several noes with explanations on why they couldn't join me, I only smiled and said my goodbyes before having Twilight join me on my way out. We walked down the road together, just making small talk, but I have got to say that it was rather cold... and breezy, yes, very breezy.
We made it in to the library in record time, probably due to the fact that I didn't want prying eyes to see me in a just towel, but I digress, anyway, Twilight spoke up again.
"Alright James, you know the drill, in to my basement and lets start the testing." I laughed and responded,
"Pants first, then testing."
Several tests later
"I don't understand.......... this can't be right, but we ran the test five times already.... I don't know what to make of this!" Twilight screamed with a scared look upon her face and I was quick to remove myself from the contraption I was in, responding,
"Twilight... you're scaring me. What's wrong with me... I'm I going to die or something?" Twilight looked up at me with embarrassment and returned,
"Oh no no no! I'm so sorry James, I didn't mean it like that, you are just fine, in fact you are better than fine, fantastic even. You see....... how should I say this................ you know how the Poison Joke turn you in to a pony?" I slowly nodded and she continued,
"Well, it did a perfect job in that regard and you were for all intensive purposes, a completely, born and raised, Equestrian earth pony. Even if this was only for a few short hours, it had some rather unique results...see..... you have magic now." Everything seemed to slow to a crawl as my mind tried and failed to comprehend what Twilight had just said, forcing me to run it trough my mind several times, all of this taking place in the course of about a minute. Finally my mind caught back up to the flow of linear time and I screamed out,
"What..... the.......... FUCK! Twilight, how in the hell can I have magic... I though you said that I was void of magic!" Twilight flinched and responded,
"You are, but only human magic, not pony magic... it would seem. Turns out that the Poison Joke takes one of your most deep seeded physical fears and makes it in to reality, but I guess you feared becoming something that wasn't a human the most and the dormant powers of the flower used all of it's magic to change you in to a real earth pony with real earth pony magic." I just sat for a few seconds with my head in my hand, quietly moaning, before finally returning,
"Soooo, what does that make me now?" Twilight looked fascinated by my question and said,
"That's just the thing, when you switched back in to a human, the pony magic inside of you didn't dissipate and it was forced to change with you. As far as I can tell, the magic has labeled you as a completely new form of pony and because of this, it is mutating in to a new species based magic. To put is simply, you are a new tribe of pony, unto yourself." I frowned and asked,
"What does that entail? If this magic just made a new home inside of me and claims me as a breed of pony, does that mean that I'm going to suddenly start craving hay and flowers?" Twilight smirked and responded,
"No, it won't change anything like that, as far as I can tell, instead you will gain all the benefits that any pony has. Your physical attributes will become slightly enchanted so that you're stronger and faster, but just by an insignificant amount. Your body will become incredible flexible, to the point of being able to bend your bones like rubber and you will be able to withstand damage and pain that would even hurt a full grown dragon, although you will still feel the pain with just as much excruciation detail. Your will be able to heal wounds at about two times as faster than they ever did before. But this all pails in comparison to fact that your main magic will manifest in to a new form that no other species has, something completely unique to what you have become. Oh and you will have a small telekinetic field around your hooves... I mean hands and you will be able to hold things with it, but that's pretty much it." I contemplated what was just said to me for several minutes, before asking,
"So, I have completely turned in to a cartoon character, plus some extra ability that are like what you ponies have?" She decided to correct me and answered,
"I highly doubt you will have the ability to manipulate magic like a unicorn or fly like a Pegasus or even have the pure power of an earth pony, but I'm sure it will be amazing none the less. However it is going to a few weeks for your main magic to manifest, but your minor magic should be available in about a weeks time. Oh... on a side note...... youmightbeabletobreedwithponiesandcreatelittlefoals." The last part was said very quietly and with such speed that I wasn't able to catch more than a few words, but what I did hear was disconcerting and I asked,
"Umm, what was that last part about breeding?" Twilight gulped nervously and responded,
"He he, oh you heard that part, well... you might be able to breed with ponies and they might give birth to perfectly healthy little foals, as well as the fact that you would be able to breed with any other magical species, which is all of them, and create life..." Well that was just a poke in the eye, but I needed to be certain and asked,
"Are you sure? That seems like the kind of thing that would have to be... tested... with........ my sperm............." Then it hit me, I would have to give Twilight the sample she needed if I wanted to know that it was true, which I was very unhappy about. Twilight on the other hand was grinning like a fiend and said,
"That's to bad, I guess that you will have to, if you want to find out this very crucial piece of information, won't you?" I could practically feel the smugness rolling off of Twilight and I was tempted to just refuse, but this was information that I absolutely had to have, no matter what.
"Fine you low down extortionist, where's your bathroom again?"
10 minutes later
I walked out of the bathroom with a little plastic cup and a very pissed off look on my face, before saying,
"Here's your sample... you're a trickster of the highest order, I hope you know that Twilight. When should I expect the results?" I saw a glint of deviousness in Twilight's eyes before she answered,
"Who's to say, it could take a few months for the processing to take place in Canterlot, or I could do it in my state of the art, magical lab, which would take about a week. Than again, I might need some pictures to remain in my possession, if I was going to be that generous." I let out a defeated sigh, before responding,
"Alright, fine, keep the forsaken photos, just make sure I have my answers soon, this is the kind of thing that is beyond important. But I want those photos to never find there way out of your hooves and if I find out that Celestia gets a hold of them then you will never get to come back to my world and learn about all the amazing creations first hand. Trust me when I say that I have access to information that you could learn about for years on end and never run of new things to learn." Twilight's eyes enlarged to the size of grapefruit (somehow) and I could see the sparkling taking place behind them, before she finally cried out,
"No, please don't! No other living soul will ever see these photos, just please don't take away the knowledge!" I nodded and responded,
"Good, make sure it stays that way. Alright Twilight, I do believe that I have had enough crap dumped upon me for about a years worth, so I going to gather up my stuff and go home, then I'm going to sleep like the dead. See Ya."
Meanwhile, in Caterlot Castle Perspective: Celestia
"Whaa! I Sense a disturbance...... something amazing just happened. Lulu?! Did you just fall in to the toilet or maybe fall in love?!" I yelled out as panic washed over me, but Luna quickly answered me from down the hall,
"No Tia, we are just enjoying this new creation they call Pizza, it is very-" I quickly cut her off, saying,
"Yeah, Yeah, that's great Lulu, but I have something important I need to find out about. Just making sure it wasn't about you." Luna huffed, but didn't say anything more and I was able ponder what I had missed, however after several minutes of brooding, I was no closer to divining what had activated my celestial radar.
"Hmmp, oh pony feathers, I bet it was something really good too!"
I would like to just take a step back and say that none of what happened was my fault... for real, not my fault in the least. Now, the reason that I say that is because of... well, umm...... I kind set off a chain of events that led to the near destruction of Ponyville. However, I can't stress this enough, IT WAS NOT MY FAULT! How was I suppose to know that one little bug could reproduce and consume at such a terrifying rate? If I had known, then I would have tried harder to kill both of the little buggers... but I guess I should start from the beginning.
You see, I had just arrived in Equestria like I always do, and just like when I arrive, the destination was completely random. So I had the awfully bad luck of finding myself in the middle of the freaking Everfree and I did the only sane thing that anyone in my position would do... I panicked and ran as quickly as I could in the direction of civilization (or at least the direction I assumed was civilization). Anyway, turns out that running while not paying attention to your surrounding is a terrible idea and I rammed head first in to something... I'm still not certain what, but I ended up on my ass none the less. What happened next was a little odd, for a gray pony with a blond mane and golden eyes flew in front of my face and said,
"Hey mister, are you alright? You hit your head pretty hard on the Tardis, you should look where you are going next time." I shook my head a few times and allowed the double vision to clear so that I could get a better view of the girl floating over me. Got to say, she was really cute, for her eyes were kind of googly and her face was askew, but that only seemed to make her more adorable.
....Anyway, back to the topic at hand, I smiled sheepishly and asked,
"Did I run in to anyone? I really wasn't paying attention while I was fleeing from this forest and well... wait. Is that an old, British phone booth? ...What the hell?" She just continued to smile and responded,
"Yeah that's the Tardis, I thought it was a really weird name too, but the Doctor gets very sensitive when anypony says anything bad about 'her'." My mind started throwing out alarm bells and I was forced to try to find out what was wrong. 'Lets see here, Tardis equals big, blue box and something about some sort of doctor.... Holy crap, how could I miss it............. I didn't get this ponies name! Of course.'
"Oh, I'm so sorry, how rude of me, my name is James and I'm a human...... and you are?" 'There we go, much better.' I thought as the grey Pegasus responded,
"Hmm, funny... the doctor talks about humans all the time when he talks about his adventures, but I never thought I would get to meet one......... eh he he, sorry about that James, kind of got distracted. Anyway, my name is Derpy Hooves and It's a pleasure to meet you." And this was followed by Derpy blushing, Which nearly made me squeal in a very unmanly fashion, but I managed to not give in to the cuteness (if only barely).
'Oh God! Why are these ponies so freaking cute! Must... resist.... urge.... TO HUG!.............. Wait, did she just say that this Doctor fellow has been on adventures with humans? That's a little odd....' I thought in to the depths of my mind, but I was soon drawn away from these thoughts by somebody yelling.
"Derpy!! You forgot to return those Parasprites to the Discordian Era and you left the Tardis door open! Quick, close the door before they get out!" I looked behind Derpy to see two of the most terrifying creature I have ever laid eyes upon. Now don't get me wrong, I know that they are just bugs and not some sort of massive, mutant monsters, but let me just try to describe why said bugs were so soul shatteringly terrifying.
Most bugs range from microscopic to about the size of a lemon, but these things were the size of my fist and that is just for starters. Lets now take in to account that most bugs have a very unique and almost alien appearance, and as this may be somewhat true about the Parasprite... it looks nothing like other bugs. It is literately a flying smiley face with a bug like appearance, that is to say it has creepy huge bug eyes and a rounded shell. Even in this universe that lacks the definition and detail of my own, I could tell that these things were the stuff of nightmares. Now, if you still don't understand where I am coming from, think of this, have you even seen a cockroach smile? Imagine one for a second, with a big toothy grin............................ yeah, did you just feel that shiver up your spine? That is what I'm talking about. This thing was so unnatural that there was no way that it ever came out of evolution, so that left only one choice, it was created by something... else......... (shiver).
Now then, this brings us back to the problem at hand, two of the most freaky looking things I have ever laid eyes on were rocketing straight for me. What did I do? I whipped my hands together in a thunderous clap, just as one of the bugs got in front of me. The results were explosive.... and gooey, oh so terribly gooey. Turns out that Parasprites are just filled to the brim with goo, which resulted in me being covered in said mess, it was not pretty, and I completely had my mouth open when I did it too (the horror, the horror!).
After spiting out the foulness that entered my mouth (it taste likes monkeys... and please don't ask me how I know that), I wiped off the gooey bug guts off the rest of my body and watched as the remaining bug fled from the slaughter of its friend. As this happened, a strange stallion with a tan coat and a brown mane came out of the big blue box, and he was not happy in the least.
"Derpy! Didn't you hear me? Those bugs are going to cause some seriously damage if we don't capture them. God knows that they caused absolute havoc.... in.... the....... oh, ha ha.. umm....... I didn't see you there. How rude of me, where are my manners? My name is ummmmm........................... TIME TURNER! That's what is, yes." He then followed this with a suspicious grin and I was forced to quirk an eyebrow before responding,
"It's a pleasure, my name is James and... wait, didn't Derpy call you the Doctor? Does that make you Doctor Time?" I grinned like a wolf as the name made me want to chuckle, but I held it back with a little effort. Turner blanched and turned to Derpy before whispering to her. Well, not so much whispering, but rather whatever it is ponies do that looks like whispering, however is only slightly quieter than there normal loud voices (except for Fluttershy), so I naturally heard everything.
"Derpy, what did I say about giving out that name? You know that I'm not sure if my enemies followed me through the rift and I, I, I, great jumping bunnytoads, you're a human!" I flinched at this reaction and cautiously said,
"Uhhh, yeahhhhh... I am... is that a problem?" He gasped like a fish for a few seconds, before finally finding his voice and responding,
"You bet your wonderful hands it's a problem! There aren't any humans in this universe, believe me, I checked. What's more, any points where there were or will be humans are fixed points in time that I can't travel to. It's just plain infuriating and now you just walk right up to me after months of searching, like it is no big deal!" I looked back in confusion and asked,
"I think I missed something important, can you start over? Because you just went way over my head." He sighed and returned,
"You may want to sit down.... you know what? I have a better idea, let me show you, so please follow me." With that he walked back in the blue box and I shrugged before following, but I did take baby steps so that I wouldn't bump in to him when I got inside. However what I found inside was a little startling, for it appeared to be some sort of ship... or rather a console room to a ship and it all seemed to fit inside of a phone booth sized space. My jaw just hung from my face as I gawked at the obviously impossibility, all the while Doctor Time just smirked, before finally saying,
"It's okay, I know you want to say it, so go ahead." I slowly brought my view back to the stallion and responded,
"Is this an spaceship?" Now it was his time for his eyebrow to quirk in surprise as he responded,
"Umm, yes it is... you know everyone always says that it's bigger on the inside, but I guess that works to. Anyway, this is the TARDIS, which stands for Time. And. Relative. Dimension. In. Space. and it is my time machine, but it also works as a spaceship." I started to try and ask a question, but he just held up his hoof and said,
"Please hold all your questions for after I'm done explaining, it will make things so much faster. Now, as I was saying, this is my time machine and my name is the Doctor. The reason I told you that my name is Time Turner is for protection from just in case any of my enemies followed me through. You see, I used to have the appearance of a human, but my species came before you humans even existed and we were called Time Lords. Long story short, I was traveling in the TARDIS when I got in to a dangerous, possibly catastrophic situation and I was accidentally pulled in to this very strange offshoot of reality where everything is what I would call humanities mythology brought to life, except there are no humans, go figure. After that, the TARDIS changed my form to better interact with the local dominate life form, which were ponies. After all that I started to try to find a way back to my dimension, with very little luck I might add and along the way Derpy became my assistant to help me with any leads I might find, she really is quite the dear for helping me."
Derpy blushed and I smirked before becoming serious again, asking,
"Well, I would call you a crazy nut job, but I can't really deny anything when looking at the evidence. So how am I tied to all of this?" The Doctor just smiled sadly and responded,
"It's like this, no humans are suppose to exist here and the simple fact that they do tells me one thing, they got here by dimension based travel. Now before you ask, no I can't use my super powered time machine to just jump dimensions, the method that I know of would just tear apart both dimensions that were connected. This is where you come in to play, do you know how you got to this strand of reality?" I rubbed the back of my head sheepishly before saying,
"I guess you could say that I do, but I don't think you are going to like the answer...." At that I pulled out my remote control and continued, "This is the remote to my television and I'm pretty sure it somehow became magically enchanted, along with my television as well." The Doc just stared at me like I had lost my mind, so I quickly started back up,
"I know it sounds insane, but let me tell you the whole story before you freak out. It all happened on a stormy night...."
Ten minutes later
"...and then the remote brought me back to my house. Ever since I have been traveling back and forth to Ponyville every week because I was afraid of being found out by the rest of my world." The Doctor just stared at me for several minute with an appraising eye before stating,
"I believe you, maybe not about the whole magic thing, but I do believe that the story you just told me is how you perceived it to go. Now as for the remote and television, I think that someone or something used vast amounts of power to use you for something that is beyond your understanding at the moment. Regardless of that fact, I think I may be able to get the means to how you are traveling dimensions without tearing apart existence by scanning your remote. If you would be so kind as to allow me to study your remote for a few minutes it would be very appreciated."
At this point I took pause and thought about what the Doctor was asking me to do,
'How much should I trust this guy with my remote, I only just met him and I am basically giving him my only way of travel from my home and this alien planet. If he took it from me I would be screwed, but then again, he has been looking for something like this for months and all he really wants to do is go home himself....' with my thoughts still swirling around in my head I decided to give the Doctor the trust he asked for, even thought I knew that is was a poor decision, but something about him made me want to trust him.
So I gave it to him and he smiled before looking down on the remote for a few seconds, promptly followed by him pressing the return button and disappearing from the room. My eyes ever so slowly started to enlarge as I continued to focus on the spot that the Doctor had just held before babbling out,
"B-b-b-b-b-bbbbuttt wwwhhhhaatt wha haaaaa WHAAAAAAATTT!" Then my mouth snapped closed as I contemplated what had just happened. The silence stretched on as it began to occur to me that I might have made a mistake.
"Der-derpy? Did the Doctor just.... steal my one way home?" Derpy stared up at me with fear and surprise, before responding,
"I-I-I don't know. It kind of looks like it though..... he was the nicest stallion I ever met too, 'sniff' and now I will never get to 'sniff' see his big 'sniff' goofy grin 'snivel' again....WAAAAAAAAA!" I looked over with disbelief as Derpy began to ball her eyes out and I screamed out,
"Forget his smile, that asshole stole my-" Suddenly there was a load popping noise followed by the Doctor reappearing and saying,
"Oh, hello... did I miss something?" I stopped mid-sentence and threw on a fake smile before continuing,
"Uhhh nope, we had complete faith in you." The Doctor lowered one of his eyebrows and said,
"Then why is derpy is crying?" I looked over at Derpy who was recovering quickly and ever had a big smile forming on her face before responing,
"Oh, that? She uhh, bonked her nose on the door... it hurt a lot, but she's better now... see?" The Doctor looked back at me like I was full of shit, but he just shook his head slowly before continuing,
"Ooookay, anyway the test helped a bit, but now I should scan it before I can find if I can use this power." He quickly pulled out a funny looking thing that I would compare to a pen with a glowing tip, before he waved it over my remote, but then he frowned and said,
"That's odd, it isn't in the data base of my sonic, I'm going to have to scan it with the TARDIS... this will take some time." The Doctor then brought the remote to the console in the middle of the room and scanned it with one of the devices attached to it. I looked over what he was doing and asked,
"So, how long should this take? I kind of have places to be." He look back over at me and said,
"Ohhh I would say no longer that two months tops." I gasped and responded,
"What?! I can't wait that long, why would it take that long to figure out?" The Doctor chuckled and returned,
"You don't have to wait for it to finish and you can have your remote back now, but the reason it will take that long is because I am checking every known power and ability in the Time Lord data base, which encompasses my entire universe. Even with the speed at which my system computes at, that still is the encompassed knowledge of one whole universe, past, present, and future." I smiled sheepishly while taking back my remote and said,
"Right, well how will I be able to get in to contact with you when you get done?" He asked,
"Do you have a cellphone?" I nodded before handing it to him and he opened it up, quickly slipping something inside and closing it right back up. He follow this up by typing something on the screen and handing it back to me.
"You now have the ability to reach me no matter what point in time I may occupy... oh you also just got free phone services for the rest of known existence, congratulations." My eyes bugged out of my head as I stared at the priceless gift that the Doctor gave away with as much emotion as a my pet rock, which is to say none.
"Uhhh wow, thank you, I don't know what else to say..." The Doctor just shrugged and said,
"Don't mention it, it's the least I can do for someone that would help me without asking for anything in return. I mean I could contact you without having to give you this gift, but as Derpy keeps telling me, friends are better than a whole basket of fresh blueberry muffins." He said this while smiling at Derpy and I got another warm fuzzy feeling in my chest as I basked in the wonderful mood in the room. Suddenly Derpy gasped and asked,
"Doctor, What about the Parasprite? Shouldn't we go track it down before it starts causing havoc?" The Doctor immediately frowned and responded,
"I completely forgot about that, this could become a real problem if not stopped. Derpy, James, could you both go catch that bug, here's a net. I need to stay here and see If I can't make heads or tales of this dimension hoping ability. Anyway you have my number if you need to get in contact with me." I sighed before walking outside with Derpy, I guess it was my fault that the bug ran away in the first place, so I just accepted it and we walked through the woods.
"So beyond this bug being the stuff of nightmares, what's so bad about it?" Derpy giggled and responded,
"I think it's kind of cute really, but the problem is that it reproduces asexually at a terrifyingly rate and it consumes food like Pinkie Pie in a pie eating contest." I shuttered since I had seen Pinkie eating normally and that alone was quite the sight, but to see her eating competitively would be just on the side of terrifying.
"Come on Derpy, we need to find this thing right away!"
One hour later
We now found ourselves in Ponyville because searching the forest was fruitless and at this point we decided to split up. We agreed to meet up at Sugercube Corner after we were done to see if we found any leads, and boy did I find one. The first spot that I tried was Rarity's place, which allowed me to stumbled upon the greatest thing I had seem since Spike looked like Mario. Dash was modeling for Rarity, but it wasn't just any old dress or something of the like, oh no, it was a get up from the seventeen hundreds that you would have found on a very rich and stupid french noble. The best part however, was the giant thing on her head that seemed to be a cross between a hat and a wig and I would say that the maker of said thing was high as a kite when they made it.
After taking a few pictures with my phone while giggling I quickly burst in to gut busting laughter. After I got done having a fit, I pulled myself off the ground and said,
"Looking great there Rainbow, are you going to an opera later? Maybe tell the commoners that they should all go eat cake?" Dash just stared at me funny and I continued, "I guess that one went over your head a little, kind of need to know a little human history to get it. Anyway, hey Rarity, are you pulling some sort of prank?" Rarity's eyes darted back and forth before she answered,
"I have no idea what you are talking about dear, I think Rainbow Dash looks absolute stunning in her new dress and I can't wait to see her show it off to everypony when the princess shows up. I most definitely wouldn't be getting back at her for putting sneezing powder in a bouquet of flowers that took me at least an hour to fully remove from my nose." I grinned along with Rarity as Rainbow slowly started to sweat from figuring out just why Rarity had invited her over.
"Looks like someone just got played, plus I've got photos, muhahaha!" Dash looked downright frantic as she quickly removed her silly outfit while saying,
"What about Pinkie? She is just as guilty as me." Rarity waved it off and responded,
"She apologized and gave me some of her extra chocolate, chocolate cupcakes, but you decided to come back later and dance around while laughing and telling me how well you got me. Let this be a lesson for you dear, no pony screws with Rarity and gets away with it." I was laughing again as Rainbow looked utterly surprised, before a embarrassed smile replaced it and she said,
"Yeah yeah, you got me good, I didn't even see it coming. Good one Rarity."
With that the door to the house opened and in stepped Twilight. She started talking about how beautiful all Rarity's dresses were and I started to zone out until I heard something familiar. Just then three Parasprites popped out of Twilights mane (EWWWW) and all the girls started to chatter about them, that is until I intervened.
"Girls get away from those things, they are pure evil, just look at them! Look at the faces of evil!" That got me three deadpan stares and I started to get closer with my net when the bugs backed away in fear. Rarity jumped between me and the bugs and said,
"What are you doing James! Get away from these adorable creatures this instant, I don't care if you don't like them, but as you can see we do like them, so shoo." I was then quickly floated out the door and dropped on my butt, which found me face to face with Pinkie.
"Hi James, Hi everypony else, have any of you seen an accordion?" The other girls were too busy fussing over the balls of evil to respond so I answered,
"Hey Pinkie, can't say that I have seen one, what do you need it for?" She smiled and said,
"To get rid of the Parasprites of course." I smiled back and returned,
"Funny, that's what I'm trying to do, wants some help?" Her smile got bigger as she responded,
"Would I ever!" I laughed as I pulled myself off the ground and said,
"First we should stop at Sugarcube Corner, Derpy was helping me as well." Pinkie nodded and off we went.
A short walk later
We walked in to Sugarcube Corner to find Derpy sitting at a table eating a muffin and Pinkie and I pulled up a seat to talk things over. I began,
"Hey Derpy, well turns out that the Parasprite has already reproduced, finding homes with Twilight, Rarity, and Dash. It may be a little hard to separate them until they figure out how evil they really are." Derpy sighed and responded,
"Fluttershy had one as well, but she was really attached to it and wouldn't give it to me, I don't know what to do now." It was at this point that Pinkie spoke up,
"Not to worry, my Granny Pie taught me how to get rid of Parasprites easily and without fail. It's quite simple, we just need a lively song to draw them away, and Granny even taught me how to use several instruments at once so that they don't lose interest. The problem is getting all of the instruments together fast enough, if you are to slow then they end up eating an entire towns food supplies." I nodded and said,
"That just confirms how evil they really are, now I'm glad that I have a small phobia of bugs, you just can't trust creepy crawlies. As for instruments, the only one I play really well is the kazoo, but I doubt that is really going to help in this instance, however I could sing if you want me to." Pinkie smiled good naturedly at me and responded,
"That's okay James, I am fully capable of getting the job done, but it would be great if you both helped me get the instruments." I clapped my hands together and returned,
"What are we waiting for then, let's get going." So we got up and started the search.
Several hours later At Sugarcube Corner
We finished collecting everything we needed after splitting up and returned to our base of operations to celebrate with some sweets. It was night time so we would have to prospone until the next day but we ready, so I raised my glass (full of some awesome cider) and said,
"Here is to tomorrow, nothing can possible go wrong now and those bugs won't even know what hit them." So the night went on.
The next day
"HOW COULD IT ALL GO SO WRONG!" I yelled as I lay in a pile of broken instruments. I had woken up the day before without setting my alarm and had quickly gotten dressed before teleporting, but that's when the powers that be decided that I needed more irony in my life. Namely I teleported several feet above all the instruments we had collected and as I made sounds of destruction Pinkie and Derpy walked in to same room. They freaked out so very hard, can't really blame them, I could already see a swarm of the bugs flying towards town and I had just ruined our chances. Pinkie was first to panic, saying,
"What happened James?! This can't be happening, THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! How are we going to lure the bugs away with music now? Ponyville is doomed!" This brought me to a panicked state as well as I pushed through my mind for any kind of answer, then it hit me like a bag of bricks.
"I've got it! We need to get back to my house as fast as we can, we don't have any time left!" I then grabbed both the girls and teleported back, however I didn't take in to account that Derpy had never entered in to my reality and she started to freak out even more.
"Derpy, I need you to relax, I will explain later but right now I need to dig something out of my closet." And with that I jumped in to my closet and started to rummage around for my prize, before quickly finding what I sought, a big boombox with a CD port.
"Ah ha! There you are, now I need a CD...................................... Oh crap I forgot! I sold all my CD's last year when I downloaded the music on to my I-Pod. Wait! Maybe there is one still left inside." So I checked, low and behold there was one still remaining, but not really the type of CD that I would blast over Ponyville.
"Oh come on, why do I even still own this thing? 'Sigh' I guess beggars can't be choosers, come on Derpy and Pinkie, lets go save Ponyville... I guess."
The Center of Ponyville
I returned with a boombox and two ponies in hand before pumping myself up for what I was about to do,
"I can do this, Yeah! Who's got this?! I've got this! YEAH!.... Okay girls, no matter what you see, please don't hate me, I'm only doing this because I have no other choice." And with that I chose the song that would be heard by an entire town. I decided to sing along as well, I mean I might as well go all out.
I like big butts an' I cannot lie. You otha brothas can't deny. That when a girl walks in wit' a itty bitty waist an' A round thing in yo' face. You get SPRUNG. Wanna pull up tough, cuz you notice that butt was STUFFED. Deep in the jeans she's wearin'. I'm hooked an' I can't stop starin'. Oh baby, I wanna get wit' ya, An' take yo' picta.
At this point both ponies were looking at me like I had gone made but they continued to follow along as a few Parasprites came away from destroying the town (I wonder when that happened). My homeboys tried to warn me. But that butt you got makes me so horny. Ooh, rumpled smooth skin. You say you wanna bet in ma Benz, Well, use me, use me, Cuz you ain't that average groupy. I seen her dancin', To Hell wit' romancin'. She's sweat. Wet. Got it goin' like a Turbo 'Vette.
At this point both girls started to dance behind me, much to my utter surprise, but I shrugged and continued to gather Parasprites. I'm tired o' magazines Sayin' flat butts are the thing. Take the average black man and ask him that. She gotta pack much back. So fella's (YEAH), fella's (YEAH), Does your girlfrien' got the butt? (HELL, YEAH) So tell 'em to shake it (SHAKE IT), Shake it (SHAKE IT) Shake that healthy butt. Baby got back. (L.A. back with a Oakland booty.) Baby got back. (L.A. back with a Oakland booty.) (L.A. back with a Oakland booty.)
Now I could see the other girls as we marched down the road and they all froze when they could hear the song blasting through the town, but I couldn't stop now and both the mares seemed to be getting really in to it. I like 'em round and big, An' when I'm throwin' a gig, I jus' can't help maself, I'm actin' like an animal. Now here's ma scandal, I wanna get ya home an' UH, Double up, uh, uh. I ain' talkin' about Playboy, 'Cause silicone parts are made for toys. I wan' 'em real thick an' juicy. So fin' that juicy double. Mix Alot's in trouble, Beggin' for a piece o' that bubble. So I'm lookin' at rock videos. Watchin' these bimbos Walkin' like hoes.
At this point I was right in the mess of things and I noticed that Celestia was in the town for some reason and it nearly threw me off, but I managed to jump back in. You can have them bimbos. I'll keep my women like Flo Jo. A word to tha thick soul sistas, I wanna get wit' ya. I won' cuss, o' hit ya. But I gotta be straight When I say I wanna... Til' the break o' dawn, Baby, got it goin' on, A lot o' pimps won't like this song, Cause them punks like to hit it an' quit it, An' I'd ratha stay an' play, Cuz I'm long, and I'm strong, An' I'm down to get the friction on. So, ladies (YEAH) ladies (YEAH), Do you wanna roll ma Mercedes? (YEAH) Then turn aroun', stick it out, Even white boys got ta shout. Baby got back. Baby got back!
I noticed that both male guards behind Celestia were nodding along and were even singing the lyrics, how they knew them I don't know, but whatever. Celestia however, look like she wanted to join in on the parade, but sadly she did have an image to uphold. Yeah baby. When it comes to females, Cosmo ain't got nuthin' to do with ma selection. 36-24-36. Only if she's 5' 3".
We marched in to the Everfree at this point and I was glad to be out of ponyville I was sweating bullets as we went by Celestia. So yo girlfriend drives a Honda, Playin' workout tapes by Fonda, But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back o' her Honda. My anaconda don't want want none, Unless you got buns, hun. You can do side bends or sit-ups, But please don' lose that butt. Some brothas wanna play that hard role, And tell ya that butt ain' gol', So they toss it, an' leave it, An' I pull up quick to retrive it. So Cosmo says yo' fat, Well, I ain' down wit' that. 'Cause yo waist is small an' you're curves are kickin', An' I'm thinkin' about stickin'.
The Tardis came in to view and I sighed in relief knowing that we were almost done, but I still had a job to complete so on we went. To the beanpole dames in the magazines. You ain't it Miss Thang. Gimme a sista, can't resist ha, Red beans an' rice didn' miss ha. Some knucklehead tried to diss. Cuz his girls are on ma lis', He had game but he chose to hit 'em, An' I pull up quick to get wit' 'em. So ladies if tha butt is round, An' you wanna XXX slow down, Call 1-900-MIX-ALOT, An kick them nasty thought', Baby got back. Baby got back.
All the parasprites had pored in to the Tardis at this point, but the Doctor look at me with amusement and slight judgment. I shrugged and said,
"I had no other choice, it's not my fault, but I am sorry for teaching ponies 'Baby got back'. Oh well, at least you can get these all back to the Discordian era." The Doctor sighed and said,
"I guess, but now I have to explain so much stuff to Derpy and... hello Pinkie." Pinkie smiled at the Doctor and returned,
"Hi Mr. Turner, still living in this box I see, what ya gonna do with all those Parasprites anyway?" The Doctor looked back in to the box before saying,
"Oh you know, return them to there rightful home and that sort of thing." Pinkie smiled and responded,
"Okey dokey Lokey, I should probably head home and started fixing thing up anyway, thanks for helping me James." I nodded and said,
"Any time Pinkie, stay safe." And with that out of the way the Doctor let out a long suffering sigh and said,
"That girl has tried to get in to the TARDIS over twenty times now and no matter what I try to do she is still very persistent. Anyway, thank you for helping me with everything and I'm sure we will be meeting again real soon, so keep your scheduled open, oh and stay out of trouble James, allonsy." I waved as he shut the door and I started to walk away, but then I saw something that I would never forget. The Tardis started to make a noise that I had never heard before and then it began to fade in and out of existence, with that it was gone without any trace. I stood there for several seconds before shaking my head and running after Pinkie, I wouldn't be forgetting this experience any time soon.
"
. Anyway, we were working on the farm for another hour before Twilight showed up again to try and convince AJ she needed help, but sadly no dice. In fact this only seemed to remind AJ that she had an appointment with Fluttershy and I prayed that it would be something easy and not potentially dangerous. When it turned out to be herding baby bunnies I thought my prayers were answered, oh how wrong I was. Applejack was questioning why she was doing something like corralling bunnies when I intervened,
).