How do a cop, a British saboteur, a Chinese bodyguard, and a Spartan warrior relate to ponies?
Usually when you are killed, you die. Of course there are exceptions to every rule. Usually those exceptions don't end up in a world full of colorful talking ponies with 3 other people from random points of Earth's history, but hey, I can't complain too much. Now if we can just figure out what happened, how we ended up in Equestria, and who is responsible for this mix up...
Alkaios watched as the last of his fellow soldiers fell under the relentless Persian assault. He was on his own now. He couldn’t stop to mourn them of course, as a Spartan he had to keep his priorities straight. He was the last of his brethren still standing at Thermopylae. King Leonidas had led 300 elite Spartans to hold off the invading army of Xerxes, and they stood like an unmovable wall. It wasn’t until some sort of treachery had occurred that the battle turned against the Spartans. Alkaios’s only thought at the moment was to continue fighting. For his country, his honor, and for his father.
Persian infantry fell by the dozens before Alkaios’s spear broke. He fell back to using his kopis and killed many more. Numerous small wounds bled wherever there were gaps in his armor, and his armor and shield bore numerous dents and scratches. Alkaios stumbled as the Persian forces drew back. His shield seemed so heavy... The sky suddenly darkened, and he looked up to see the cause. Thousands of arrows blotted out the sun as they began to rain down death upon him.
He was too tired to raise his shield again. He turned his head up, closed his eyes, and welcomed his fate.
Alkaios, son of Iason
Time of Death:
5:23 PM local time August 25, 480 BC
~~~
Fang Hua inspected the carriage again for any traps that might have been set by assassins. Being the chief bodyguard to the Qin Emperor’s second son was no laughing matter. After checking and double checking everything, she motioned that all was under control. The entourage made their way from the city of Yong to the neighboring capital of Zhou on a diplomatic mission. Fang Hua’s family had always protected the emperor’s family, and though she was born a woman, she was determined to continue her family’s tradition. The mounted contingent of the guard surrounded the carriage as they left the city walls and began to cross the rocky terrain. The first few hours of travel passed uneventfully for everyone. Fang Hua exchanged a few pleasantries with the captain of the escort, but all in all, silence hung heavily upon the group.
As the caravan entered a narrow canyon, bandits sprung up from their hiding places on the cliff face and started firing arrows down at the group. Several of the escort died instantly, but the caravan quickly sped onwards away from the attackers. More bandits rode out from side canyons to harass them further. Fang Hua quickly put her training to use, riding without the reins and fighting with her family’s trademark circular blades. The sounds of combat rang off the canyon walls as the group rocketed down the path. The horses drawing the carriage were charging out of control towards a drop off that would kill the Emperor’s second son if not stopped. Fang Hua leapt to the roof of the carriage and threw the brakes on while yanking on the reins. The carriage slid to an abrupt halt at the edge of the drop off, but she was launched over the edge. She sighed and closed her eyes, knowing that the rest of the guard could deal with the bandits. At least she had completed her duty.
Fang Hua, Daughter of Fang Yueh
Time of Death:
10:14 AM local time April 3, 231 BC
~~~
Annabeth Edgeworth peeked around the corner again, praying that the Nazi patrol hadn't noticed her footprints in the snow. This was her third month behind enemy lines acting as an allied spy in occupied France. She was about to sabotage a munitions train on its way to the front. Ever since her sister died in the Blitz, Annabeth had given her all to make sure that those dirty Krauts got what was coming to them. After ascertaining that she had not been spotted, she snuck aboard the train and started setting the charges she had packed in the bag along with an MP 40.
As she planted the final charge, she heard a gun cock and felt the cold muzzle pressed against her back. She slowly turned around with the detonator in her palm. An SS officer stood there gloating, flanked by two guards.
“Did you really think you would get away with this?” He asked haughtily in German.
Annabeth pondered his question for a moment before responding in English, “God Save the King!” She activated the detonator and thought to herself, I guess I’ll be meeting you sooner than I thought, Abagail.
Annabeth Edgeworth, Daugter of Agnes Edgeworth
Time of Death:
11:46 PM local time October 3, 1942
~~~
I finished the episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I had done it. Over the course of one week, I had watched every episode that was currently out. Sure, I may be an undercover cop, facing the cold edge of reality every day, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy candy colored ponies that sing about the joys of friendship.
I packed up my laptop along with the charging cord into my messenger bag (which has a sweet solar panel built into it, FYI). After securing all my belongings, I slipped on my shoulder holster for my compact 9 mm pistol with two extra magazines. I slid my coat on over the gun to hide it (hard to be undercover if you’re flashing your piece everywhere, eh?) and opened the door.
Now the strangest thing happened then.
As I opened the door, the first thing to catch my eye was a rather large, out of control, red pick up truck hurtling towards me. Everything seemed to slow down. I could see the numerous beer cans bouncing around in the cab of the truck, the driver desperately trying to turn the wheel, and even the grass being torn apart by the wheels of the vehicle. My last thought was, Dag nab it. I forgot to feed the cat.
J. Isaac Noe, Son of Charles D. Noe
Time of Death:
10:48 AM local time January 27, 2012
~~~
Elsewhen
“What do you mean you lost all four of them?!? Do you not realize how expensive it is to maintain my collection? You had better find them or you can say goodbye to your family!”
The speaker cut the connection to the call before the offender could reply. He would have those specimens, or he would have blood to compensate...
I opened my eyes, totally confused as to how I did so. I should currently be dead. REALLY dead. I did a quick mental calculation: me + out of control truck = dead.
Hmmm... perhaps I’m missing some variable, because I certainly don’t feel dead. Not that I know what dead feels like, but I’m pretty sure that you don’t need to breathe when you’re dead, and I was certainly breathing.
Once that I determined that I was indeed alive, I actually looked at where I was. It appeared to be some sort of... cell? Well THIS is ironic, I thought. The cop is in jail. This was not a traditional jail cell though; it looked like something you’d see in a castle dungeon. Stone floors and walls, a large set of iron bars blocking the entrance, and even the bed I was sleeping on was actually a pile of straw. Still, something still seemed off about the whole scenario, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. OK, calm down... let’s consider the various explanations, I pondered. I might have been drugged, kidnapped, and am now being held hostage by an evil dominatrix... nah. There aren’t enough chains for that to make sense...
Before I could continue my musings, I heard a feminine groan from a nearby cell. I rolled to my feet to investigate. It appeared that there were four cells arranged in a circle with one corridor leading out from the... dungeon, for lack of a better term. This layout allowed me to see all four cells, though the interiors of each were shrouded in deep shadow. The groan had come from the cell immediately to my left.
A woman came into the light. My initial reaction can best be summed up as: hotototototototototototototot.... She looked to be in her mid 20s, dark brown hair, wearing some sort of vintage military costume, and stood a few inches shy of six foot. Basically, a dream in khaki spats. She also appeared to be just as confused as I was with the current situation. Then she noticed me.
We stood there a few moments, looking each other over. I could feel her eyes moving over my body. She looked both intrigued and guarded at the same time. A few tense moments passed in silence before I took the initiative to break the silence.
“Ya’ know? It’s a good thing that you are already in a jail cell, because I’d have to arrest you for being so beautiful.”
The shocked look on her face was priceless. Did I mention I am a little bit of a troll? She asked, “W-what?!? You’re an American?” Oh. My. Gosh. British accent for the win.
“Whay yeh~es indeedee Ah ahm.” I laid on my thickest southern drawl. Seeing as how I was born and raised in the hills of Tennessee, it wasn’t that hard. The confusion immediately returned to her face.
“But wait, how are you here? Where IS here? The last thing I remember was the explosion...” she trailed off. So she had “died” as well...
“Well, the last thing I remember is getting run over by a rather large truck. Combined with your explosion, does that mean we are dead?” I mused aloud, “Hm, not quite what I expected heaven to look like.”
A new voice rang out, “So you perished as well? I guess this IS the afterlife then.”
A stocky man stepped into the light in the cell opposite mine. He was wearing... bronze armor and a skirt? Wait, I think I recall seeing that armor in a book on ancient Greece. Would that make him a hoplite? What. The. Heck.
The British chick and I shot the new guy a confused look. “You died at a costume party?” I asked.
“What? No. I fell at Thermopylae.”
Wat. My brain went into processing mode.
loading...
loading...
*DING*
“Hang on. You’re saying you died at Thermopylae, as in the battle of the 300 Spartans led by King Leonidas against the Persian legions?” Epic movie, BTW.
“Verily. Though how you know of it, I know not.” Definitely gonna have to teach this guy to speak real English soon. Wait, how can he even SPEAK English.
The British chick- I really need to get her name- beat me to the punch, “If you are from Sparta, how is it you are speaking English?”
He asked, “What is English? We are all speaking Greek.”
Wat?
Before any of us could continue, the occupant of the last cell interjected. “It must be magic.” Another woman stepped into the light of the dank dungeon, but she looked like she just stepped out of a Kung Fu flick. Also: hototototototototot...
“Perhaps you are right.” The Greek guy mused.
“There is no such thing as magic,” the British beauty spoke up.
I had to put my foot down. This conversation, while interesting, was not helping us at all. Plus, we still didn’t know each other’s names. “Not that your debate isn’t interesting, but perhaps we could introduce ourselves? I’ll go first. Hi, my name is Isaac Noe. I’m from Tennessee in the United States of America from the year 2012 AD.”
There was a slight pause, “I am Annabeth Edgeworth. I am from the city of London in England, and I am from the year 1942.”
Oh, she’s from World War II... ouch. That does explain a bit.
“I am Alkaios, son of Iason. I am a Spartan, and I’m not sure what year I come from by your standards.”
“I’m pretty sure it is somewhere about 400-500 BC. That means that Annabeth and I are from about 2400 years in your future.” I’m pretty sure those dates are right...ish.
The Chinese chick spoke up, “I am Fang Hua. I was born in the city of Yong which is in the Qin kingdom.”
I had just been reading about the Warring States period of Ancient China, so that actually struck a chord with me.
“That would be about... 200 BC?” I paused, “Yeah, that’s right.”
Annabeth asked, “So you are saying that we are all from different times?”
“It would appear so.”
“But we all died...” Fang Hua trailed off, looking downright miserable.
“Is this the Underworld? Where is the river Styx?” Alkaios wondered aloud.
“I don’t think we are dead, because this is CERTAINLY not the afterlife that I signed up for.” I joked.
Our group sat in silence for a moment, absorbing the new information. We were in some sort of jail. We had all been saved from certain death. We were each from different time periods of Earth’s history. And we were all somehow hearing each other talk in our native language. Alkaios grunted and nodded to himself.
“Well, I am not going to wait here for whatever fate is in store for us. I am going to go find my shield and go home.” He gripped the bars.
Fang Hua nodded as well. “I need to return to Qin to protect the Emperor. It is my duty.”
Annabeth and I exchanged worried glances. She asked, “And how do you propose to escape?”
“Like this,” Alkaios and Fang Hua responded as one. Alkaios RIPPED the door off the cell like it was made of paper. Fang Hua kicked the bottom of one of the bars so hard it broke, then she bent the bar up and out of the way. My eyes nearly popped out of my skull. Note to self: do NOT make Alkaios or Fang Hua angry. Fang Hua tossed a set of keys that were hanging the wall to Alkaios, and he quickly unlocked our cells.
“Now what do you propose we do?” Annabeth asked.
“Now? We have to make whoever locked us up pay for their actions...” Alkaios and Fang Hua both had devilish grins upon their faces. They both sprinted out down the hallway, and Annabeth and I struggled to keep up with their pace. Even though they were short, they were FAST!
As we ran, I wondered why we hadn’t seen any guards, but I didn’t think too much of it. I asked Annabeth, “So, what did you do before you ended up here?”
“I worked as a saboteur against the Nazis. I was blowing up a munitions train before I ended up here. What about yourself?”
“I work as an undercover cop, but I also do the chemical analysis for the forensics team down at the station.” If I hadn’t been training for the past several months, I would be totally exhausted at this point. How far did this hallway go?
Before anyone could chime in, we rounded a corner and came face to face with our first guard. My brain had to stop and take things in one at a time. Allow me to show my thought process.
1. What the heck?
2. Is that a pony?
3. OHYUS THAT’S A PONY!
4. Wait, that is one of Celestia’s Royal Guard...
5. Aaaaand Alkaios just one hit KO’d him with a punch to the schnozz. Great.
Before I could reprimand Alkaios for harming one of the background characters from my favourite TV show, everyone burst through the door behind the unconscious pony into an even bigger hallway. This one was full of dignified looking ponies and more royal guards. Fan-freaking-tastic. Three guesses what Alkaios and Fang Hua did, and the first two don’t count.
If you guessed go rushing off down the hallway, knocking ponies about, then you were correct! Annabeth was dumbfounded at the sudden influx of cuteness, so I grabbed her hand and hauled her after our rogue party members.
As we ran down the hall, I called out apologies to the panicking ponies. “Sorry! He just wants his shield. She didn’t mean it! I-I’ll pay for that!” and many more. I honestly felt bad for the guards that tried to stop the Spartan. Their attacks just bounced off him. I even saw some Unicorn guards try to stop him with telekinesis, but he just pushed through the force. None of the ponies could so much as lay a hoof on Fang Hua as she gracefully danced through the hall, leaving piles of incapacitated ponies in her wake. None of the guards even got near us before receiving at least one concussion, so Annabeth and I didn’t have much trouble.
The large hallway ended into a GINORMOUS door. This thing was friggin’ huge. Did that stop Alkaios from opening it? Nope.avi
He wrenched the doors open and we piled into the massive throne room beyond it. Oh snap... this was THE throne room. Princess Celestia flared her wings at the other end of the room. “Who dares to assault Canterlot castle?” We are so dead. I tried to grab Alkaios or Fang Hua before they did anything that would end in us being permanent residents on the moon. No luck. They go charging off towards Celestia. At this point, I just gave up trying to stop them.
I turned to Annabeth, “Well, it was nice to meet you, but I do believe that we are about to die.”
“W-what? What is even going on? First we are in jail, and now those two are roughing up small horses!”
“If we survive, I’ll explain what I do know. Gimme a kiss for good luck?”
*SLAP*
“I guess I deserved that...” I was suddenly sporting a different colored patch on my face.
Celestia’s horn flared, and suddenly, we all hung suspended in mid air. The solar princess strode toward us, nostrils flaring. Yep, we are totally moon bound. “Why do you seek to harm my little ponies?!?” Hee hee, she said the title.
Alkaios fired back, “WHY WERE WE BEING HELD CAPTIVE?!?”
Before anyone else could chip in, I asked the most important question of all, “WHY ARE WE YELLING?”
Celestia’s eyes flashed in anger. Oops. Hello, this is your Captain speaking. I’d like to thank you for flying air Bananas, we will be landing on the moon in five minutes, so please fasten your seat belts.
However, before we could become the first humans to set foot on the moon without a ship, Princess Luna entered the room. She cantered over to Princess Celestia and whispered something in her ear. Amazingly, Celestia’s anger seemed to recede slightly. She sighed and then spoke, “I will speak with you in private. Perhaps we can solve the mystery of your presence through cooperation.”
Well, it would seem that our trip to the moon has been delayed... for now.
Did you know that being suspended in midair by telekinesis can actually be quite comfortable if you relax? I think my relaxed state bothered the unicorn guards a bit, but they did a good job of hiding their fear. I suppose I could have asked them, but Celestia had placed some sort of silence spell on us all that literally zipped out mouths shut. Mental note: If I ever learn that I can use magic, I am definitely mastering that spell.
Anyhow, Celestia and Luna had been taking us back one at a time to interrogate us in private. Why did I have to go last? Hmph. Every time one of my companions were brought back out, their faces were totally blank. I was honestly starting to get a little worried. After an intolerably long wait full of silence and angry glares from the guards levitating us, I was brought into a small chamber with no furniture or windows. The guards stayed outside and now I was alone with the two most powerful beings that I had ever encountered.
I had been planning on how to act during this moment for quite some time now, so when their telekinetic grip on me was released I did not hesitate. I immediately sank into a low bow and greeted them, “It is an honor to formally meet the Princesses Celestia and Luna. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for the actions of my fellow humans. I pray that we can learn from you and your little ponies during our peaceful stay here in Equestria.”
I looked up. Clearly a well thought out apology was not what they were expecting. Luna recovered first. “How doest thou know of our names? The guards were instructed to remain silent.”
This was the big moment. If the universe collapses because of this, it was worth it.
“In my native land, there are stories told of the land of Equestria, and of its amazing inhabitants. These stories have only recently begun circulating, so my fellow humans have never heard of you, but to me, you are familiar figures.” I hope I didn’t lay it on too thick...
The two alicorns traded inscrutable glances. I laid it on too thick, didn’t I? Honestly, at this point I was having to restrain myself from glomping Luna. Did I mention that Luna and Fluttershy are the best ponies? Fluttershy more so, but she wasn’t present, and I’m sure she wouldn’t mind just a little glomp.... NO! Bad Isaac! No glomping while your fate hangs in the balance. Wait, what is going on now? I had zoned out. It would seem that I had just missed out on a hushed conversation between the Princesses. It is so hard to take them seriously when I all I can think of are pictures of Luna in socks.... Focus Isaac!
The royal sisters turned back to me, and Celestia spoke, “We accept your apology, but only tentatively. Perhaps you could tell us more of the circumstances regarding your arrival here.”
I nodded, “It is only fair.” So then I summed up what had happened the day I “died.” They both nodded every now and then, but neither of them said a word. When I was finished, I asked them, “Now that I’ve told you my part, would you mind sharing your half of the story?”
They looked to each other again- I’m seriously starting to think they have some sort of telepathy or something- then Luna spoke up, “We think it best for all of you to hear it at the same time.”
Makes sense to me. I mean, why say something four times when you can just say it once and be done with it? I nodded to show my consent, but then a thought occurred to me. “What happened to our belongings?”
“They are currently under study by a team of unicorns,” Celestia informed me.
My stomach dropped. Unicorns. Messing with my laptop and phone... this cannot end well. Not to mention them experimenting with my pistol. I blurted out, “Please, send them a message to not do ANYTHING to my belongings. Their actions could have terrible consequences.” I’m not too sure how stable the time stream is, but I know that introducing technology from the future is a big no-no.
Celestia nodded, “Very well.” She scrawled a quick message on a scroll that she materialized and sent it on its way. Can alicorns create matter? I mean, sure it’s magic, but can she really just break physics like that? I’ll have to ask later.
We returned to our group of floating humans. I got to walk this time! I did catch a few glares and confused glances from the guards as I came walking out with the Princesses. I plastered on my best poker face, but I might have snickered... a little bit. However, Alkaios and Fang Hua’s faces were a bit more... angry when I came waltzing back with a Princess on either side of me. Annabeth seemed to still be in shock from being violently thrust into a world of talking mythical creatures. I would probably be in a similar state were it not for my knowledge of the incredible phenomenon that is My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
Once I was reunited with my recent bipedal acquaintances, Celestia motioned for the guards to lower them to the floor. The guards did so, but still kept a firm hold on them, Alkaios in particular. Celestia took a deep breath and explained what would be a major plot point if this were a story... hmm I may just write this down later.
“Yesterday afternoon, my sister and I attempted a dangerous spell. We were attempting to reinforce the wards that bind Discord, the spirit of chaos, in stone.”
OK, so I am in season two Equestria. Good to know. I wasn’t really sure up till now. I mean, I’d read enough fanfiction to realize that timelines weren’t always.... lines. Anyway, back to the exposition.
“This spell took up an immense amount of energy. When we finished the spell, a huge flash of light occurred, and you four were laying on the ground around the statue.”
Luna picked up the explanation, “We presume that Discord’s chaotic magic warped the spell slightly, and, at the time, we believed that you were servants of Discord that he called here to wreak havoc upon Equestria. Therefore, you were stripped of your belongings and placed in confinement.”
Celestia picked up the tale, “We now know that you were brought here through no fault of your own, and, if you agree to be peaceful, we will gladly allow you to live out your lives here. If you so wish, we can research ways of returning you to your homes, but it will be unlikely that any success will come. What do you say to our offer?”
The remaining humans attempted to speak before realizing that the spell of silence was still present. A small smile flitted across Celestia’s lips (perhaps the Trollestia version of her is not entirely off...?) before she banished the spell with a wave of her horn.
Alkaios immediately roared, “Where is my shield?!?”
Luna countered in the Royal Canterlot Speaking Voice, “THOU SHALT RECEIVE THINE POSSESSIONS UPON PROVING THY WORTHINESS!”
Wow. Her voice literally made us slide back a few inches, and I had a ringing in my ears for the next thirty seconds or so. What was I expecting from the inventor of caps-lock though? Oh boy, now Alkaios is grumpy. He sulks like a man, crossing his arms and pouting the most manly of pouts. I’m certainly not going to be the one to point out how immature he is being. I mean, yeah, a shield is to a spartan as a red plaid shirt is to a lumberjack. That is to say, you can’t be one without the other. Still though, the dude needs to chill out.
Fang Hua stepped forward. “I vow to live by your laws till I return home. I do not care what the risks are in returning, I will return to my Emperor.”
Annabeth spoke up, “Er- well, I’m still not entirely clear as to what has happened, but I will not be the one to start any fights while I’m here. I’m not sure if I want to stay or return yet though...”
“That is quite alright Annabeth. You can decide when you feel more comfortable making that decision. No one will rush you to make the choice.” Celestia comforted Annabeth with a loving glance. D’aaaawww Celestia is a pretty awesome ruler after all.
“You don’t have to even ask me. I am staying. This place is amazing, though I hope you don’t mind if I do introduce a few improvements during our stay.” Hmmmm, what is the first thing to introduce... I don’t recall ever seeing brownies during the show, and I’ll bet that Pinkie Pie would LOVE brownies. Huh, speaking of the Elements of Harmony, I wonder what they are like in person.
“If you don’t mind my asking, where will we be staying? If I could be so bold as to offer a suggestion...” I looked to Celestia. She nodded for me to continue, “If we could be placed in Ponyville, under the observation of the Elements of Harmony, you could keep a close eye on us while still allowing us to live out our own lives.”
Celestia and Luna looked surprised at my knowledge of the Elements, and everybody else just looked plain confused. Annabeth pulled me close and whispered, “What are you talking about? How do you know so much about this place?”
“I told you I’d explain everything later, and you never did give me that kiss...” Her eyes flashed in anger. Hmm, better not bring that up again unless I want to get slapped. “I promise that I’ll answer any questions that you have as soon as I can, but for now, just trust me.” I looked to Fang Hua and Alkaios, who had been listening in on the whole conversation. They all nodded their consent.
Finally, Alkaios broke out of his pouting. I guess his time out was over? He looked to the Princesses and spoke deliberately, “I give you my word that I will not start any confrontations during my stay here. I will stand up for those who are unable to do so, and I will defend myself if needed. I will avoid using lethal force unless absolutely necessary. Is that acceptable?”
Luna and Celestia traded worried glances again (telepathy was not needed to interpret that look). The Princess of the Night looked at the Spartan and said, “This is acceptable. You four will stay in Ponyville under the care of the Elements of Harmony. Your belongings will be returned to you and you will leave for Ponyville now.”
Sweet. Wait, NOW? As in “now” now? It would appear so since the guards are now escorting us out of the grand hall. Silence descended upon our group as we passed through the halls of Canterlot Castle. Traces of our earlier rampage were still visible, and numerous courtesans pointed and whispered as we passed. After an eternity of marching through ornate hallways and chambers, we emerged out into the sun. A covered chariot was waiting for us along with a few ponies who were carrying our gear. Each of us received our possessions and stepped into the chariot with nary a word. Finally, the doors closed and we were on our way to Ponyville. My companions were surprised when we left the ground, but still nothing was said. I was seriously starting to get freaked out. Am I being given the silent treatment? I mean, I know that my advances on Annabeth were a bit overt, but isn’t the silent treatment a bit much? I was lost in thought.
Annabeth cleared her throat after what seemed like hours, but was really only about two minutes. She fixed me with a glare that could curdle milk. “I do believe that you have some explaining to do.”
Author's note: Sorry about the delay! Stuff has been hectic to say the least. Big shout out to FrostBite for editing this chapter!
“OK, OK... I’ll explain everything.” *ahem* “Welcome to Ponyology 101.” I reached down and opened my messenger bag to pull out my laptop. “For your viewing pleasure, please gather round so that I may illustrate my points with a mixed media presentation.”
I doubted they caught the meaning of what I said, but they soon crowded around me so they could see the ‘mystical device’ in my lap. I silently chuckled at their mystified expressions as I opened it and tapped the power button. They emitted a collective gasp when the Dell boot up screen popped up. A few moments later, the Ubuntu log in screen popped up.
If you have no clue what Ubuntu is, allow me to do a quick explanation. I have two operating systems (OS’s) on my laptop: Windows 7 and Ubuntu, which is a Linux based OS. Ubuntu runs much faster and is great for general use, but very few games run on it. That is why I also have Windows. OK, now that your mind is filled with new knowledge, go brag to your friends as the story progresses.
My fingers danced across the keyboard faster than the eye could follow as I input my password (No! I’m not telling you what it is).
Perhaps modding my laptop to play that jingle that plays in Zelda when you unlock a door when I log in, wasn’t such a good idea. Fang Hua and Alkaios nearly gave my laptop a few new ventilation holes... On a side note, Fang Hua uses these weird circular blades, kinda like Indian chakrams (circular throwing blades; think frisbees of death, but with one spot wrapped with a grip).
“Whoa whoa! Cool your jets! It’s not going to hurt you. It just plays that sound when I log in.” I don’t know what I would do if they killed my laptop. That laptop has everything. So many forms of media on that little device.
They sat back down, but Alkaios now had a deep frown on his face. On the other hand, Fang Hua and Annabeth looked on with deep curiosity. I started opening up a few folders so could show them some video clips to go along with my explanation, but the level of concentration was dropping alarmingly by questions like, “How does that work? What does THIS button do? What’s Amnesia: Dark Descent? What are ‘Youtube Poop’ videos?” I had to ignore them at-least for now. I don’t think I ever plan on showing them what Amnesia is.... too many nights stuck awake, trembling in fear...
“OK,” I was finally ready, “We are in the mythical land of Equestria. It is mainly populated by three types of ponies: Unicorns, Pegasi, and Earth Ponies. Unicorns can use and excel in magic, and Pegasi can fly. The Pegasi’s main role is to control and maintain the weather. Earth Ponies are very strong and some people think they have plant based magic. It hasn’t been confirmed yet so there’s no need to discuss it. Anywho, this land is based around friendship, trust, and love. There is a song I would like to show you that will sum up the basis of this civilization as well as introduce you to several of the ponies that we are about to meet.”
My fellow humans watched in awe and confusion. I hummed along and noticed the pegasi pulling the carriage glancing over their shoulders with befuddled looks on their faces. I wonder what’s going through their minds...
Well, the song’s over now, time to continue my deliriously sick-nasty monologue...
~~~
Meanwhile in Ponyville
Twilight was rereading the Daring-Do series again. Dash’s recent... debacle surrounding her love of reading had reignited Twilight’s own interest in the adventurous Pegasus. She heard a belch from downstairs followed be scaly feet scurrying up the stairs. Spike barged into Twilight’s room waving a letter, “Twilight! Princess Celestia just sent this urgent message for you!”
Twilight quickly levitated a bookmark into her current page and pulled over the letter. Her eyes scanned the letter once, then twice. She took a deep breath and said, “Spike, we need to gather the Elements of Harmony right now. There are some... visitors who will be coming to Ponyville, and we have been charged with taking care of them.”
“What? How is that an urgent message?” Spike scratched his head.
“I’m not sure, but if the Princess wants us to take care of them, then we will do our best!” Twilight’s eyes gleamed, visualizing Princess Celestia smiling down at her, complimenting her over her latest success.
She sat there for a moment, lost in her fantasy, until Spike spoke up, “Ummm Twilight, perhaps we had better get everypony together before fantasizing?”
30 minutes later...
“So do you get it now? We are all from different points in history, with myself as the farthest in your future.” I had been explaining, and re-explaining this for ages now. I had Google Earth pulled up so I could show them where we had each come from. Alkaios had finally stopped pouting and I had to repeatedly stop him from touching the screen. I’d never have thought that a Spartan would pout this much. I mean, yeah 300 of his friends had died including his king and he was now in a land he had never heard of, but still. Gotta cheer him up... hmmmm.... DUB STEP. That always cheers me up. Just gotta find the right song... yes... PONY DUBSTEP!!! or as it is known by some bronies, DUBTROT!
The carriage lurched from side to side. “Sweet Celestia’s mane!!! What is that racket?!?!” Hmm... it would appear that the royal guards pulling the chariot did not agree with my choice of music. Alkaios, Annabeth, and Fang Hua were covering their ears. Well, I suppose dubstep might not be the best way to introduce them to modern music. Darn.
*pause*
“I take it that you don’t care for dubstep then?” I smiled sheepishly.
“NO!!!” They all yelled in unison. Philistines...
Before I could show them more amazing music (I was thinking Metallica next...), the carriage landed with a slight bump. I looked outside to see the familiar shape of the Ponyville library. HECK YES! I’m in Ponyville!!! The door opened up (magic?) and we piled out into Celestia’s sun. I looked around, hoping to see a background pony or two, but the carriage effectively shielded the rest of Ponyville from seeing us. Probably for the best.
“Is that a building in a tree?” Annabeth shook her head in disbelief.
“Actually the building IS a tree.” I grinned at her. She rolled her eyes and we started towards the door. I stopped in front of the small door, took a deep breath, and reached out to knock...
~~~
“Alright girls, these are special guests of the Princess, so we have to make a good impression.” Twilight was lecturing again for the umpthteenth time. They silently thanked Celestia when they had heard the carriage land outside.
“Ugh, OK! We got it the FIRST time you told us!” Rainbow threw her hooves up in disgust. This was getting really boring. Twilight grinned sheepishly.
“Ah wonder why the Princess didn’t mention anythin ‘bout these here ‘visitors’ in her letter?” Applejack wondered aloud.
“They must be very important Ponies if they know the Princess. I do wish you had given me a greater warning in advance to freshen up a bit more.” Rarity pouted.
“I hope they like parties! I don’t think I’ve ever gotten to throw a party for 4 new ponies at once! This will be so GREAT!” Pinkie Pie bounced up and down with excess energy.
They were interrupted with a resounding knock. The group of mares took a collective deep breath, and Rarity smoothed a stray hair back into her mane. Twilight opened the door with her magic.
Twilight and the other mares stared in confusion at the being beyond the door. It was not a pony, that much was certain, but what WAS it? The thing stood on two legs and appeared to be totally covered in clothes. Rarity in particular noted the stylish coat that it was wearing. However the creature was so tall, about a third of it's body was hidden above the door frame. It stooped down and said in a deep voice, "Why hello to you, too." A grin spread across it's face that rivaled even Pinkie's widest of grins.
It looked sort of like a Diamond dog, but it’s legs were much longer, and it didn’t appear to have any fur except for the top of it’s head. It’s hands had very long and dexterous looking fingers.
The creature bent over to fit through the door and there was ANOTHER of these strange creatures behind the first. The new one was clothed in rugged khaki clothes, but it was clearly female. It had a much... curvier body and carried itself with much more grace. The next of the "visitors" came through the door. Twilight noticed that Fluttershy cringed as the second male came in. He reeked of blood and metal, and numerous scars could be seen beneath his armor. He was scowling fiercely at the ponies, of course Rainbow and Applejack scowled right back at him. The final one came in right behind the grumpy male, and she exuded so much grace, it seemed that everypony else had been tripping over their own hooves just by standing. She was clothed in beautiful brocades and sashes. Rarity nearly started drooling when she appeared.
By now, Twilight's attention had returned back to the tallest of the group. He seemed to be trying to keep himself from laughing with out much success and every now and then a small chuckle escaped from his lips.
"I think the Princess has some explaining to do..." Twilight muttered. She spoke up, "Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle and these are my friends,” she pointed to each one in turn. “Applejack,”
“Howdy, it’s- er real nice to, um, meet y’all.” She tipped her hat.
“Rainbow Dash,”
“Sup.”
“Rarity,”
“A pleasure.” Rarity sounded flustered.
“Fluttershy,”
*squeak* Fluttershy couldn’t even manage words, she was so nervous.
“and Pinkie Pie."
“Hi!” Twilight waited for more, but nothing else was said by the pink pony. Twilight blinked a few times in surprise. The tall one seemed surprised at Pinkie’s brevity as well.
The tall one cleared his throat, and his grin grew even wider. "It is a delight to finally meet you. My name is Isaac Noe, but please just call me Isaac. These are my...” he paused, seeming to search for the right word. “friends, for lack of a better term.”
The curvy female introduced herself, “I am Annabeth Edgeworth.” She had a curious accent.
The armored one grunted, “Alkaios.” He didn’t seem too happy to be here.
The graceful female quietly stated, “I am Fang Hua. It is an honor to meet you all.” She did a little bow.
Isaac picked up the conversation, “Now then, I’m sure that you all have plenty of questions, but before we start down that path, might I have one request?” The ponies nodded, slightly hesitant. “OK,” he took a deep breath, “Can I hug Pinkie Pie?”
“YAY! HUGS!” Pinkie Pie made to tackle the tall creature, but before she could jump, he scooped HER up!
~~~
HOLY CRAP I’M HUGGING PINKIE PIE!!! She doesn’t smell like cotton candy, like everyone thinks. She actually smells more like strawberry cake frosting.... mmhhmmmmmm.... cake.
Everyone else was now staring at us. I grinned my biggest grin. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”
Pinkie giggled, “Hee hee I think you and I will get along fine, Isaac!”
Twilight was the first to regain her composure. “Umm... if I might interrupt your hugging session, perhaps you could explain a few things for us.”
“Yeah! Like what you things ARE!” Rainbow had all the tact of a enraged rhino in a china shop.
“We are men, and I do not like your tone.” Alkaios growled. Oh crap, his hand was on his sword...
“Whoa there dude, she didn’t mean anything by it. She’s just naturally... um... enthusiastic.” I tried to calm him down with a few hand motions. Unfortunately, this caused Pinkie to slide to the floor. Awww, I miss the hugs already. I am determined to get one from Fluttershy, but she is still cowering right now. Though that squeak she did earlier nearly caused me to die from overexposure of cute.
“Rainbow can be a bit brash at times, but she didn’t mean to offend, Mr. Alkaios.” Rarity to the rescue! That mare can salvage nearly any social snafu. Rainbow snorted in derision. Dang it Dash, why can’t you just say sorry? Mental facepalm.
Now, as you know, I am a brony. I watched the show, saw the PMVs, read the comics, loved the art, and endlessly poured over the piles of fanfiction every chance I got. I’ve read plenty of Human in Equestria fics, so I know what is supposed to happen when the human(s) meet the ponies. Hopefully all of those hours sampling different fics will aid me in steering the conversation in the right direction.
“Can we all just calm down and have a civil conversation?” I began. “Now I’m sure that y’all have plenty of questions, and I think we can best answer them if we take questions one at a time.” I glanced around nervously to double-check on the chaos level. Nothing yet. “To set the example, I would like to volunteer to answer the first round of questions.” Please Alkaios, just rein in that temper of yours. Show some of that fabled Spartan discipline!
Rainbow surged forward, oh no. Please don’t start a fight. I don’t know who would win. I DO know that I would be silently rooting for Dash though. “What are you things anyway? And why are you here? Are you spies for some sort of invading army?” She was right up in my face for that last bit. Huh, she ought to brush her teeth. Curses! My images of perfect ponies have been tarnished by the poor dental care of Rainbow Dash!
“Well, we are humans. Scientific name, Homo sapiens. We have no idea why we are here, but it seems that a bit of Discord’s magic has something to do with it. And to answer your question, no, we’re not spies.” I paused and re-evaluated what I said for a second, “Well, actually... Annabeth here kinda used to be one, but it was to protect her homeland against an invading army, so it’s kinda different.”
The orange cowpony (I can’t believe I actually have a reason to use that word) spoke up, “Now hold on fer’ one dang minute. How exactly do ya know about Discord? I thought y’all weren’t from around here!” Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. Explanation time.
Suspicious pony is suspicious; for a good reason. I need to be very careful about this. “I can explain that as well. You see, in my previous... dwelling place, there were stories told about this place. I know quite a bit about you six and your adventures here in Ponyville. My fellow humans only know bits that I have told them.” I held up my hands to ward off the oncoming barrage of questions I knew would follow. “I don’t have any clue as to how my people could have known about you all in such detail, but that’s the way it is. Think of it as Pinkie’s inexplicable senses.”
Twilight eye twitched involuntarily at the mention of Pinkie’s senses while the rest of their eyes widened at this sudden revelation. They seemed to accept the explanation easy enough. I’m reaaaaaly glad they did. I don’t care who you are, if someone walks up to you and says, “Your entire existence is a children’s TV show where I come from,” you aren’t going to believe them. They’d probably receive a swift kick to their ‘family jewels,’ if ya know what I mean. However, if they say, “Ahh, I have finally reached the land of legend,” it sounds WAY better. I’m just glad that they don’t seem to be pressing the matter any further.
Rarity raised a hoof, “Well you’ve told us about what you are, but what about where you are from? You haven’t really told us much about that.” She did raise a valid point. Hmm... How to phrase this?
“Well, we are from the planet Earth. The third planet orbiting the sun in our dimension. Not really sure how it works here, so I’ll just keep on going.” I took a breath to gather my thoughts, “Now, each of us are from different points in time on our planet. I’ll let my friends describe their own times since they can do so better than I possibly could. Now, during my time on earth, man has achieved incredible things. There were close to seven billion people on the earth before I left.”
Everyone gasped, humans and ponies alike. “Seven billion? How is that even possible!?” Annabeth looked to me, totally in shock.
“Well, if you’ll let me continue, that’s only the beginning.” I waited for silence before continuing, “Humans are incredible creatures. We have no magic or natural ability to fly, but we can achieve anything that we set our minds to. We have even walked on the surface of the moon without magic.” Their eyes widened at this. Now for the bad part. Ugh.
“While humans can do incredibly amazing things, there are some who choose to to horrible things. Annabeth comes from one of the darkest times in our history. There was a man who did unspeakable things, and convinced his country to follow along with him. Over sixty million people died.” A dark ambiance fell upon the room. “But the man was brought down, and the world has rebuilt and moved on.” The mood immediately returned to it’s original state. “We were able to move on because of men and women who were wonderful people that pulled the world into a new age of peace and prosperity.” I’ll skip over some of the other wars, don’t want to scar them too badly. I just wanted to let Annabeth know that everything does turn out alright...ish. “When I left the world, it was a very tumultuous place. Full of chaos and order right next to each other, but that’s the thing about humans. You can put every single human who ever existed into a room with each other, and you wouldn’t find two that were the same. All those differences make us kinda hard to get along with, but it also makes us incredibly strong when we work together.”
Everyone sat for awhile, absorbing the information that had just been dumped upon them. We all sat in silence for a moment contemplating all this. Finally, something very surprising happened.
“Umm... you’ve told us about your people and the world you came from.... but, um.... you haven’t really told us anything about, um... well, yourself.... So, um... could you, please... if you don’t mind, that is...” Fluttershy talked. SHE TALKED AND IT WAS ADORABLE! She kept on peaking out from under those luscious locks of pink mane.
I think the rest of the mane 6 were just as surprised as I was when she spoke up so boldly. How could I not answer her? There is probably some sort of law that says, “If Fluttershy asks you something, you WILL do whatever it is she asks.” Pretty sure that is a totally legit law. No excuses.
I chuckled. “I’d be happy to tell you more. Let’s see, where to begin....” I scratched my chin. Huh, hardly any stubble after more than a day. I guess facial hair doesn’t grow as fast in Equestria. Who would have known? “Well, I used to be an undercover cop. Think of me as a royal guard who finds the bad guys by dressing up as one and following them around. While that’s not entirely accurate, it is close enough to illustrate my point. I also doubled as the local chemical analyst for the forensics team, but I was hardly ever needed for that. Small town and all. Umm.... when I wasn’t working I was on the computer or playing video games. Sometimes both. I’m kinda distant from my family. I love ‘em to death, but I need my own space, so it’s been awhile since I last saw them.”
Fluttershy spoke up again, “You just told us what you did, but not really too much about you.” Holy cow. Was I just chastised by Fluttershy? I think I was. She seemed to realize how direct her statement was and blushed furiously. She went back to hiding behind her mane again. HHHNNNGGHH.
“Well, I guess you’re right.” I smiled at her to show I wasn’t angry. How could I be? “My favorite color is dark blue. I enjoy long walks late at night. I have, err had a cat named Kuro. I enjoy learning just about anything, and I have dabbled in several languages from around the world. I spend far too much time on forums and blogs. I like reading, and I’ve dabbled in writing a bit as well. I also do a bit of drawing and stuff. I am a bit of a prankster, a terrible flirt, and a hopeless romantic.” May as well be filling out my eHarmony profile while I’m at it.
Rarity chortled a bit at that last remark. She asked, “Did you have anypony special back home?”
Dark memories started to resurface. It must have shown on my face because she started to apologise, but I cut her off, “It’s OK. I don’t have anyone back home, but I used to.... I’d rather not talk about it.”
Rarity took it upon herself to change the subject. “What about your clothes? What sort of fashions are popular in your world?” The other ponies looked at her, not really surprised, but seeming to as a silent, “Really? You’re really going to ask him about clothes?”
“Well, I wear the clothes that I wear to not stand out and to hide my pistol,” I opened my coat to expose my sidearm.
Fang Hua cut me off before I could say anything more. “What exactly is that device? You refer to it as though it is a weapon, but it only looks suitable for clubbing someone over the head, and it doesn’t even look to be that good for that.”
I cleared my throat and explained, “This is indeed a weapon. It fires small bits of metal, called bullets, faster than the eye can see. It is a very dangerous tool in the right hands. I’ll explain more about it later if you would like.” She nodded in affirmation.
Since Fang Hua was content with my response, I continued, “As for the fashion world, I know very little; I mean, I see what most people wear, but I’m hardly at the cutting edge of fashion. I’ll tell you what I do know, but perhaps later. It doesn’t seem fashion is at the peak of everyone’s concerns right now.”
She nodded in acceptance. This left one pony who hadn’t asked a question yet. All eyes turned to Pinkie Pie. She took a deep breath. Oh no. I’m about to be on the receiving end of one of her famous nonstop rambles, aren’t I?
“Do you like cupcakes?” Somehow she was holding a frosted cupcake out to me.
My reaction can best be summed up as this: total shock.
Not only did she NOT go on one of her trademark spiels, she also broke physics by appearifying a cupcake. It was light pink with a white swirl meeting in the middle. I love ponies.
I gingerly reached out and took the cupcake in my hand. I had to quickly run through a mental check list.
: All of the Mane 6 are present, accounted for, and alive.
: No mysterious liquids are dripping from the cupcake.
: It doesn’t appear to have been laced with any sleeping drugs, and my fellow humans
would back me up if I passed out.... probably.
I guess the cupcake is safe.... who am I kidding? Look at her hair. The hair never lies..... it’s just as poofy and crazy as it is in the show. I’m going to ignore everything I’ve learned from the Internet and eat the cupcake.
I looked Pinkie dead in the eyes and said, “I do not like cupcakes...” Her mane started to deflate, and the other ponies gasped. “I LOVE CUPCAKES!” I bit into the fluffy baked good with reckless abandon, smearing icing all over my face. Everyone burst out laughing, even Alkaios! I guess he is coming out of his shell a bit.... Good for him.
It took awhile for the laughter to die down. When if finally did, Annabeth leaned over to me and asked, “Why did you get so quiet when she offered you a cupcake? You looked as though you had seen a ghost.” She looked at me, clearly concerned. Awwww, I think she likes me!
I shuddered. “It’s nothing.... just a horrifying story that should have never been written, let alone read. I’d rather not talk about it.” At least Rainbow Dash didn’t offer to show me the secret on how rainbows were made. Why did I ever read that? What was I expecting? Too late now I suppose... On the bright side, that cupcake was REALLY good.
I started to open my frosting encrusted mouth to start answering questions, but out of the corner of my eye I noticed the sun beginning to set. I guess 20 Questions will have to be saved for later.
“While I’d love to talk away the night, we do have a fairly important issue at hand- er... hoof. Where are we all going to be staying?” Please be Fluttershy’s place. Please be Fluttershy’s place. Please be Fluttershy’s place. Though I suppose Twilight’s library would be awesome too.
Rarity piped up, “Sweetie Belle is staying with our parents right now, so I have room for Annabeth and Fang Hua.” Her eyes shone as she lovingly ran her gaze over Fang Hua’s clothes. If it were anyone else, that would be REALLY creepy.
“I suppose I could always have Isaac and, er, Alkaios sleep in the barn. Plenty of work to be done there.” Applejack scratched the back of her neck. She didn’t appear to be too thrilled to have two aliens in her property. Heh, for a pony, she acts just like a Texan would in that situation.
Alkaios grunted in reply. “I’ve slept in many places that were much worse, and no work you would have us do can compare to the training I’ve endured in order to become one of the King’s elite guards.” Oh boy, I can already imagine him getting into an arm wrestling competition with Big Mac... Twenty bucks on the pony.
Wait a second. Oh dear. Red flag going up about staying with Applejack. “Umm, I’m really grateful for your offer, but I don’t think I can accept.” Please just roll with it AJ.
Of course she’d take it the wrong way. “Is mah hospitality not good enough fer ya? Too much of a city slicker to spend a night in a barn?”
“No no, I’m fine with the barn part, it’s just... Well, no way to sugar coat it really... It’s the food.” I winced in anticipation for the oncoming explosion of angry cowpony.
“Oh Ah get it now. Ya hate apples huh? I’m not sure if ya heard er not, but mah apples are the best from all of Equestria. One bite and y’all l’be hooked.” Oh snap. She’s snorting, pawing the ground, and she has a crazy look in her eyes. If I don’t salvage this situation quick I’ll be in a world of pain.
“Now hold on just one minute now Applejack!” I wave my hands about in an effort to calm her down. I tend to talk with my hands when I’m nervous. “I’m sure that your apples are the best apples in existence, and I’d love to try one.” Argh... how do I tell her this. “However, I can not eat any apples from anywhere.”
She gasped in surprise; being unable to eat apples must be like not having legs to her. “What do ya mean by that? Can’t humans eat apples?”
“Most humans can, but I’ve got this really rare condition that makes it so that the chemical that makes apples sweet, called fructose, makes me sick. It is also in many other things like pears, tomatoes, and onions,” I explained tiredly. I’ve gone over this way too often; it’s grown quite cumbersome to explain.
Twilight jumped at the opportunity to interview a new being. “Maybe he could stay here? We do have room down in the basement for him, and I’d love to learn more about human culture and history.” I wonder how she’ll react to my laptop... If she ever got access to Wikipedia.... she’d never be heard from again. Good thing there is no internet here then.
“I’m OK with that.” Staying in the library is perfect. I’ll get to learn all about Equestrian culture and all the stuff that isn’t mentioned in the show. “Sorry for making you so mad Applejack.”
“Aw, shoot. ‘Taint yer fault. I went and jumped to conclusions. Can ya fergive me?”
I smiled at sincerity in her apology. “No harm done, Applejack. Already forgiven and forgotten.”
Rarity chimed in, “Not that this little moment isn't touching, but we had better be on our way. Spike has been keeping an eye on the Boutique for me, and it is getting close to his bed time.”
“I guess we had better be going with you then, Rarity.” Annabeth motioned to herself and Fang Hua.
The girls followed Rarity out the door as the prim pony bade farewell to her friends, both new and old. Applejack followed with Alkaios in tow. The rest of the mane six made their way to their respective homes. Pinkie was the last to leave and she turned to me at the door and said, “You know I’m going to have a humunganormous party for you guys right?”
I chucked at the made up word. “I would expect nothing less from Ponyville’s self-proclaimed Party Pony.” She grinned that impossibly wide grin of hers and bounced out the door into the fading light.
I turned back to face Twilight, “Looks like the meet n’ greet’s over Twilight. Care to show me where I’m sleeping?” Taking charge. LIKE A BOSS!
Author’s Note: Thanks everyone for your support! I’m sorry I don’t update as quickly as you or I would like to. With a full time job, it is not always doable. I want to give a huge “thank you” to FrostBite who has been invaluable in the creation of this chapter. In addition, I’d really appreciate it if you give a moment of your time to check out a man devoted to creating quality Pony Music Videos [PMVs]. If you could just click on the link provided and give his work a chance, it would be appreciated greatly. Thanks again!
Additional Note: I am also starting an ask blog. If anyone would like to help out with that, I’d be quite grateful. Also (this is getting way too long), Bpendragon has a podcast that he does, and he has been so kind as to read and review this story in it. Check it out and listen to some of his other things as well!
All joking aside though, I am very sorry it took so long to get this one out. (yes I know I was late...)What with my new job and all, I’ve been really busy.
Also, I am actually the creative director for a My Little Pony RPG that several other bronies and I are making. If you are interested, please shoot me a PM. I will say that we are in DESPERATE NEED of artists.
Speaking of artists, I’ve actually taken to trying my hand (hoof? horn? mouth? idk) at doing some illustration of my own. I now have a tumblr and I will occasionally livestream my creation progress. In fact, I already have done a few pictures that you may have seen. I am currently illustrating a few images for Coal Buck’s 150th chapter in his story My Second Life. He and Frostbite have been invaluable in my creative process, so give him some love!
Anyway, now that that’s out of the way, ON TO THE STORY!!!
~~~
So there I was. Chillin’ in Twilight Sparkle’s basement looking through a book she let me pick out. That’s right, the books are in English! I totally knew they would be. As I recall, Granny Smith was singing the English alphabet in the Zap Apple episode. Also, Cheerilee was using Arabic numerals when teaching arithmetic in school.
Anyway, I was looking through a book on magic theory. It was surprisingly vague. When you think science, you typically think of lots of figures and formulas. Of course, the study of magic couldn’t be the same. I’m good with formulas, but when I read a book and it talks about “channeling your inner will power,” I kinda lose interest. I just want to know the how and why of magic. Meh, I guess it doesn’t really matter all that much. It’s not like I’m going to learn how to use magic, right? Right? (Please let me be wrong.)
The book quickly grew boring as it droned on and on about “envisioning” and “embodiment” and other big words that don’t really mean all that much to me. I lazily tossed it to the side and leaned back onto my jerry-rigged cot. It was really a cot, a chest, several stacks of books, a few blankets, and several decorative pillows from around the library. I’ve slept on worse (The worst would probably be when sleeping on rocks covered with about 2 inches of rainwater. That was NOT a fun backpacking trip...), so it wasn’t all that bad.
I pulled my iPod out of my bag and popped in my earbuds. I hit shuffle and smiled softly as Louis Armstrong’s voice began singing in my ears, and I joined my voice with his.
I see trees of green..... Red roses too,
I see ‘em bloom..... For me and you,
And I think to myself..... “What a wonderful world.”
I see skies of blue..... And clouds of white.
Bright blessed days..... And the dark, sacred night.
And I think to myself..... “What a wonderful world.”
The colors of the rainbow..... So pretty in the sky,
Are also on the faces..... Of people walking by.
I see friends shaking hands.... Saying, “How do you do?”
They’re really saying.... “I love you.”
I hear babies cry..... I watch them grow.
They’ll learn much more..... Than I’ll ever know.
And I think to myself..... “What a wonderful world.”
Yes, I think to myself..... “What a wonderful world.”
Ohhhhh yeeeaaaa.........
~~~
Twilight waited for Spike to get home from Rarity’s and paced the floor, her mind abuzz with the many questions she wanted to ask the alien she had in her basement. There was so much about him and his companions that she wanted, no, needed to know. It was taking all of her self restraint to keep from flying down the steps to start picking his brain.
Just as she was about to lose her mind (again), Spike arrived at the door.
“Twilight! What is going on? Rarity was walking with these two weird looking creatures! They seemed pretty nice, but I’m still worried about her.” Spike wrung his claws anxiously. “She said you had one of those creatures here too...” Spike glanced around the library, looking for anything out of place.
“Oh Spike, don’t worry. He’s really quite nice,” her mind reviewed some of Isaac’s more unusual remarks (something about bananas?), “...in a strange sort of way.”
“If you say so...” Spike still looked a little worried. “Where is he now?”
Twilight gestured to the basement door. “He’s resting downstairs with a book on magic theory, though why he chose that, I’m not sure.”
Spike shrugged in response, and the two went through the doorway down into the basement. The stairway was a little crowded with some experiments that had to be moved to make room for Isaac to sleep down in the cluttered room. They saw Isaac resting on his homemade cot with some sort of string coming out of his ears. His eyes were closed, and he didn’t seem to have heard them come down the stairs. Just as Twilight was about to open her mouth to greet her alien visitor, he started to sing.
The song was smooth, and his deep baritone voice crooned beautiful lyrics of the majesty of the world. A peaceful smile graced Isaac’s face as he recited the words of the song, singing to music that only he could hear. Twilight and Spike stood there, entranced by his song. They found themselves smiling at the song’s message. As Isaac sang the final words, he opened his eyes and finally noticed Twilight and Spike staring at him.
~~~
As the final notes died, I opened my eyes to see Twilight and Spike staring at me. “Was I too loud?” At least they hadn’t walked in on me singing anything bad... Though I wonder what their reaction would be to some of the Irish drinking songs I have on my iPod.... Hmmm.... or perhaps a selection from The Producers?
They recovered from their shock and Twilight stammered, “N-no! Not at all. It’s just that, um, well... you have a very nice singing voice.” Spike nodded emphatically as well. Hmmm... Not sure if honest, or being nice... I mean, I think that I have a pretty good singing voice, but to leave them speechless?
Twilight suddenly seemed to remember Spike’s presence. “Oh! Isaac, this is Spike. He is my assistant and dear friend.”
“Sup brah?” Spike looked at me, confused as to the meaning of my unusual greeting. I sighed. “It’s a slang term from my culture. Essentially it evolved from the phrase, ‘What is up, brother?’ asking how they were doing and referring to them as a brother as a term of endearment. Over time, the phrase was shortened and mutated into various forms. The most common of which being, ‘Sup brah?’ That’s just a bit of American etymology for ya.”
While my explanation was going on, my iPod continued to play in my ear. French opera had begun to play after Louis, and while I do enjoy a good opera, I wasn’t really in the mood. I clicked the in-line remote on my earbuds, earning an odd glance from my observers, and skipped to the next song.
My iPod must have a sense of humor because the Pony Chorale from Homestuck started playing. I couldn’t restrain my grin as it stretched across my face at this oddly apt choice of music. Spike seemed to be a little stunned at my seemingly inexplicable behavior, so Twilight attempted to move the conversation along. “So.... um, how are you enjoying that copy of the Principles of Theoretical Unicorn Magic? It isn’t too far over your head I hope.”
“Hm? Oh this?” I held up the discarded book. “Well, it’s mostly a lot of gibberish to me. I was hoping for more hard facts like formulas and figures. Perhaps even some diagrams of how a unicorn’s horn converts will power into a usable energy field.”
Twilight looked somewhat taken aback. “So, you didn’t like it?”
“Not at all, I found it quite interesting, but I’m just used to working with numbers and data, not mental states of enlightenment. I’d love to know the quantum physics implications alone of magic, but I never really got that far into it before switching majors, so I can’t really do too much theorizing.” I love the science and theories behind everything, but I hate doing the actual work of calculating and such.
Spike spoke up finally, “What kind of physics? I didn’t think there was more than one kind.” He scratched his head with his clawed hand (?), confusion clearly showing on his face. Even Twilight looked a little confused, though she looked to be more interested than anything. I’m almost worried as to what will happen if I teach her about atomic theory... How to change the topic...
“Er... um, I’m not sure if I should- OH HEY LOOK! A SCENE TRANSITION!”
“Wait wha-”
Meanwhile at Sugarcube Corner, a pink pony giggled to herself as she sensed the ripples in the fourth wall.
~~~
Elsewhen
The screen flashed with a notification. An incoming call.
“For your sake, I hope you have good news.” There had been far too many reports of failure lately. None of them were met with the slightest show of lenience.
The man was clearly sweating, but he managed to reply, “Y-yes sir. We’ve found them. Some sort of freak energy surge pulled the transfer off course.”
“Did the flash clones make the transfer?”
“Yes sir.”
The shadowed figure operating the screen slowly grinned. “So everyone on that dirtball of a planet still has no clue what we’re up to?”
“That is correct sir. I have already dispatched an agent to retrieve the cargo. He should be arriving shortly.” He peered into the shadows, attempting to see some sort of detail other than that sadistic smile. However, the room was so dark, nothing else could be seen. Just the light reflecting off of those pointed teeth.
“Excellent. Notify me upon their capture, and inform our agent to feel free to grab any extra assets that he comes across.”
With that, the call terminated, leaving the room pitch black once more, but even in the dark, one could still see that predatory smirk...
~~~
Back in Ponyville
After an exceedingly long conversation about who I was, where I came from, yadda yadda yadda, I finally managed to get them to leave me alone and go to bed. While I was still interested in learning more about the land of the best show of all time, I was really tired. Turns out chasing after a crazed Greek warrior and then having to explain interdimensional and time travel to people and ponies who have no concept of what I’m talking about is really tiring.
Anywho, I woke up the next morning feeling pretty groggy. Well, “woke up” is a relative term I suppose. Ya see, I’m not really what’s known as a “morning person.” I work the night shifts for a reason. If I’m awake before 10:00 AM, then I’m a zombie. Now then, this being said, you can see how I wouldn’t be too enthusiastic about being awakened at 7:00 AM by Spike jostling my shoulder.
“Hey, you need to get up or you’re gonna miss breakfast!” Spike nudged me harder.
His efforts were met with an unintelligible stream of grunts, murmurs, and sighs. Friggin dragon won’t listen my distorted complaints and bug off... He continued jostling me. So I responded, “ahjaphnaziasdfmovie breakfast.....”
“Oh come on! I made pancakes!”
He used the magical word. PANCAKES! I sat up quickly, practically launching him across the room. “Why didn’t you say so in the first place? Do you have maple syrup?”
“Course we have syrup,” casually replied Spike, dusting himself off. “What kind of pancake doesn’t go with syrup?”
“Good answer.” I stood up, stretching my back and popping various joints.Now I towered several feet over Spike, who only came up to mid thigh on me. “Now then, the important question... Do you have orange juice?”
“Ummm.... no?” Spike was having to lean back to talk to me.
“Aaaaand like that, you’ve lost me.” I plopped back down onto the bed. You can’t have breakfast without OJ. It’s another one of those unwritten laws that I have. Though milk is an acceptable substitute under certain circumstances, the ideal substitute is a cold glass of limeade. Don’t ask me why, but it is the best thing to wake up to in the morning. I don’t drink coffee. I mean, I have plenty of energy as is (excluding the mornings), I’d hate to see what happened if I drank that much caffeine.
Twilight’s voice came down from the door, “Isaac if you don’t get up here, I’m going to let Spike eat all your pancakes.”
No one touches my pancakes. Ever.
In a flash I was up the stairs, past Twilight, in the kitchen, sitting at the table with fork and knife in hand. Wait. Why do they even have utensils? Well, I guess Spike can use them, and Twilight could always use her magic...
My musings were interrupted by Twilight and Spike entering the kitchen chuckling. “I’ve never seen somepony who likes pancakes as much as you do.”
“Well, when you come from a fairly big family, if you don’t get to the table fast enough, the food will be gone before you even get a bite. Plus pancakes are just amazing.” Spike joined me at the table as Twilight levitated stacks of steaming pancakes over to our plates. Spike immediately drenched his in syrup, but there was something missing from mine.
“Say, I don’t suppose you have any peanut butter?” I raised an eyebrow hopefully.
“Peanut butter? Well yes, but what do you need it for?” Twilight floated a jar of it out of a cupboard.
“For my pancakes.”
Now it was her turn to raise an eyebrow.
“No I’m serious. Peanut butter on pancakes is amazing.” Gotta have my peanut butter fix, and since I’m not likely to get any meat around here, I need to get protein somehow.
Twilight shook her head, dismissing my question as another of my quirks and tossed the jar of peanut butter over to me. I used my knife to put a layer of the brown goodness on each of my pancakes till I had constructed an edible tower of peanut butter and syrup smothered breakfast. I took a bite.
“This is INCREDIBLE!” I dug back into the pile of food. I took another mouthful of pancake, only to stop and look at them. They were watching me intently as I chewed softly. I chortled in my throat and gave them a pancake and peanut butter coated smile as I began to chew again.
After breakfast, we all cleaned up the dishes. They were surprised at how quickly washing dishes goes with hands. I never really cared for dishwashers, so I always did everything by hand anyway, so we had that kitchen spotless in no time. I popped into the bathroom, which looked disturbingly similar to a human one, and freshened up a bit. Gotta look good for da ladies, know what I’m sayin’? *facepalm* Nevermind.
Once Spike and Twilight finished making up their to-do list for the day (thankfully, they did that while I was in the shower), we headed out to check in on my fellow humans, and to see about properly introducing us to Ponyville. This ought to be fun...
~~~
Saddlesore Street, Stalliongrad
Stalliongrad is a magnificent city with towering buildings and a booming industry-fueled economy, but beneath it’s shiny exterior is a dark underbelly that could rival even the darkest of cities on Earth. The high crime rate attracts all sorts of shady characters, both ponies and monsters alike. Anything was for sale if the price was right.
The agent winked into existence in a side alley. His dark cloak shielded him from any prying eyes. Intel said that the bar across the street would be a good place to pick up some mercs to track down the missing cargo. While he could probably get all four of them by himself, having some extra muscle would be quite helpful.
He strode across the empty street into the run down bar, The Dragon’s Scale. A hush fell over the tavern as an unfamiliar figure blocked the doorway. Minotaurs, griffins, ponies, and an assortment of other creatures looked at him with undisguised suspicion. It appeared that the subtle approach was out the window.
“What have we got here? Looks like somepony doesn’t want their face to be seen.” A griffin with something to prove was hovering in front of him. It reached forward to pull back the hood. Before it ever touched the cloth, the griffin was launched across the room by an explosive kick. The taser built into his shoe shocked the offending creature into unconsciousness. All was still while the bar goers waited to see who would make the next move.
“I’m in no mood for games. I came here to hire some... assistants to help me track down some important cargo for my employer.” His voice was sharp and deep.
Whispers flew around through the bar, but before long, a clawed hand raised into the air. “We’ll takesss your offer sssstranger...” an emaciated lizard-like creature hissed, gesturing to the minotaur, griffin, unicorn, and diamond dog who he shared a table with. The agent’s heads up display informed him the creature speaking was a kobold. A barbaric species who only lived to kill and eat. It appeared this one was the speaker for it’s little band of mercenaries.
“Very well... come with me, and we shall discuss the details and your pay...” he turned and walked out of the bar with his new entourage behind him. It will be a busy night...
Now generally, I’m not much of a morning person. However, give me pancakes and I’ll be earlier than the early bird. Twilight, Spike, and I were on our way to go meet up with the rest of our little entourage at Rarity’s Boutique. I wondered idly to myself if she’d make me any new clothes. Luckily we were up early enough (thanks to power of pancakes) that we were able to avoid any confrontations with the other denizens of Ponyville.
Just as we were nearing the fancy building, Applejack and Alkaios came around the corner of another building, headed for the Boutique as well.
“Huh. That’s funny.” Twilight mused aloud.
“Hm? What’s funny?” I looked around, seeking the source of her amusement.
She gestured to my fellow man and the orange cowpony. “Look at those two. They can’t seem to even look at each other.”
Sure enough, they were taking great pains to avoid meeting each other’s eyes. I wonder what happened that makes them so uncomfortable around each other. I suppose I’ll find out soon enough. We’re nearly at the boutique.
Hm, I wonder how the girls spent their first night in Equestria? Thoughts of pillow fights in slow mo suddenly filled my mind.... bouncing on the beds, feathers floating around the room, their laughter filling the air... Nah, Rarity would never allow that to happen anywhere near her precious dresses. Besides, I want to be present if that were ever to occur.
Alkaios called out to me, apparently grateful for an excuse to ignore Applejack further, “Good morning. How are you this day?”
“Sup Alky? I’m doing good. Had some pancakes for breakfast. What’d you have?” His eye twitched both at his new nickname and at the mention of breakfast. I noticed Applejack cringe a bit as well. What the heck happened?
Before I could press them for further information, Twilight cut in, “Well looks like we’re here!” In all fairness, she was right, and I was REALLY excited about seeing more of the details of my favourite show. Still though, I was a little put out I didn’t get to find out what was bugging Alkaios and AJ. I guess I’ll have to interrogate them later.
Spike quickly stepped forward to knock on the door, announcing our presence. The little guy hardly need any extra motivation when he gets to see Rarity. After a short wait, a light blue aura coated the door and it swung open, jingling the little bell over the frame, and Rarity called out to us, “Be with you in a moment. Just make yourself at home.” What is she up to?
The interior of her boutique is just like in the show. It honestly feels weird to be allowed to be here. Kind of like I’m disturbing a movie set or some piece of art. Alkaios apparently doesn’t have the same qualms as I do since he just plopped down on one of the chairs near the door. Applejack took one at the opposite end of the room. Their gazes accidentally met, and AJ started blushing furiously. Wait a second... Alkaios blushed as well? Oh no. No. Nonononononono...
We haven’t even been in Ponyville a whole day and there are already emotional entanglements? Crap. And with the Spartan no less? Ugh... someone has some explaining to do.
Before I could form a single syllable (I swear, it’s like there’s some sort of cosmic force that prevents me from doing stuff sometimes), Rarity popped into the room followed by Annabeth and Fang Hua. I stood up out of habit and as a sign of respect. They both looked fiiiiine! Rarity must have cleaned their clothes and made them take showers. Why am I even surprised though? There is no way Rarity would let a speck of dirt or blood stay in her presence longer than a few moments.
“Why hello there everyone. Welcome to the Carousel Boutique.” Rarity did a little curtsy. “I’m terribly sorry to have kept you all waiting, but we were just finishing up... breakfast.”
While her two guests looked squeaky clean, Rarity seemed slightly distraught. A few strands stuck up from her otherwise illustrious mane. Twilight picked up on it as well and asked, “Rarity, are you alright? You seem.... tense.”
“Oh it’s nothing to be concerned about. It’s just a little conversation that we had over breakfast about what humans eat.” Oh crap. They had the “guess what? We eat meat” conversation without me there to smooth it over. This. Is. Bad.
“What do you mean Rarity?” Twilight, I love you, but you can be a little clueless sometimes.
“What I mean is-”
I cut her off, “That this is going to be an interesting conversation that could use some tact to fully cover without causing offense.” They all gave me expectant looks. Great, lecture time. Let me just grab my notes that I keep prepared for just such an occasion. Oh dear, it seems that my notes have disappeared. Maybe 60s Spider Man took him to replace all of his lost... yeah I’m just going to stop monologuing now. They are still giving me those same looks.
I took a deep breath, this was going to be a doozy. I’m just glad that Fluttershy , Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash aren’t here to hear this. I don’t want to scar Fluttershy, I’m afraid Pinkie Pie would get some BAD ideas, and I don’t want Rainbow Dash trying to kill me.
“Alrighty then, I knew that this would come up sooner or later, though I suppose sooner is better for our health. Basically there is one slight caveat of our existence that we’ve neglected to tell you.” My audience collectively raised an eyebrow in anticipation.
“And that would be?” Spike asked.
“Our diet.” This was going to be interesting.
The group of ponies looked to each other in confusion while my fellow humans exchanged looks of sudden understanding. Annabeth in particular seemed concerned for our hosts’ reactions.
“As humans, we don’t eat hay or flowers or grass, though we do eat plenty of vegetables. Lettuce, broccoli, cucumbers, et cetera. Salads and veggie trays are all fine. Of course we also eat baked goods like bread, muffins, bagels, etc. We also eat plenty of fruits as well, but we are not herbivores.” I took a deep breath. “We fit into the classification of being ‘omnivorous’ creatures, meaning we eat just about everything. Meat included.”
I closed my eyes, bracing myself for the oncoming storm of emotional shock.... nothing?
I allowed myself to crack one of my eyes open, fully expecting to see a weeping Rarity or a raging Twilight, but they all seemed calm.
“Um, I said we eat meat. You know, dead animal flesh?” Perhaps they didn’t understand me?
“We heard ya the first time, sugarcube.” AJ chuckled. OK, NOT the reaction I was expecting.
“There are plenty of creatures that eat... meat, and while I find it a bit off putting, it is a fact of life.” Rarity explained.
Wat.
“But you- with tha- what do.... WHAT?” We’re sorry to report that Brain.exe has stopped working. Would you like to send an error report? Y/N
“Griffins, Diamond Dogs, and several of our pets eat meat. It isn’t exactly something they go around doing in public, but they need to get their protein in order to survive.” Twilight went into lecture mode. “Most meat that they get is from chickens and pigs that die of natural causes. The animals get to live out their lives, but their bodies don’t go to waste when they die. While it may be morbid, it isn’t wasteful.”
Holy crap. That... that makes so much sense.
Wait a second.
Brain.exe has started working again. Awesome. Loading... loading... *DING*
“You mean I don’t have to be a vegetarian?!?? WOOOHOOOO!!!!!!” I leapt for joy. How could I not? I mean seriously, how do you expect me to survive without bacon? Oh bacon, how deliciously crispy you are.
Applejack chortled a bit more, “That’s right. Now don’t go expecting meat every day or anything, but you’ll be able to get some every now and again.”
“That’s right, but if you wouldn’t mind, we would appreciate it if you cooked and ate it away from Ponyville.” Rarity wrinkled her nose in distaste.
“If all I have to do is go on a hike to eat bacon, I will hike as far away as you need me to.” If my grin was any wider, I’m pretty sure my head might not be attached any more.
Wait a second. If Rarity is OK with us eating meat, what was she going on about with Fang Hua?
“Hold on a second, if yer OK with them eatin’ meat, what were ya talking ‘bout with Fang Hua?” Dang it Applejack, you beat me to the punch.... Hmmm.... can ponies punch without hands? Hoof? Front-buck? I’ll have to ask about that later, unless I for-
“Oh THAT. I was only a little bit put out that Fang Hua had never had toast or oatmeal.” ARE YOU CRAZY? *ahem* Sorry about that. Had to be said. At least I didn’t say it aloud.
“Well just about all of the food from my home is based around or made from rice.” Huh, never thought about the lack of toast in ancient china. Though I suppose not having a toaster would make it a bit more difficult to make.
“Yes, you keep mentioning this ‘rice.’ What is it exactly?” Rarity asked.
“WHAT?” I blurted out. “You don’t have rice here? That’s it. Annabeth, Alkaios, Fang Hua, pack your bags. We’re going home.”
We all chuckled at my little jest, knowing full well that there was no way of going home. Twilight spoke up again, “Calm down now Isaac. We do have rice here, but it is a very rare delicacy mainly found in Neighpon.” Heheheh. Neigh-pon. Get it? No? Are you serious... ugh. It’s Japan for ponies. Nippon -> Neighpon. OK, it may be a bit of a stretch, but just roll with it.
“Do you know if it would be possible for us to attain some? I know how nice it is to have a breakfast just like home, and I can only imagine how nice it would be for you Fang Hua.” Annabeth smiled at her.
“Not a problem. I’m sure we can manage that. Spike? Mind adding that to our list?”
“Yeah yeah, way ahead of you.” The small dragon started unrolling the scroll to add the new task. Dang. That thing is way too big. Looks like a roll of toilet paper or something.
“Oh this will be awesome! You’ll love the sushi I make. I’ve even got quite a few vegetarian recipes that will be fine for everypony.” Time to put my skills with knives to a productive use.
“What’s a ‘sushi?’ I ain’t never heard of it before.” Oh Applejack, how I love you and your double negatives.
“Sushi is a Japanese- er, Neighponese dish that usually consists of rice and raw fish, or rice and vegetables. Sometimes it is wrapped in seaweed, but when made right, it is incredible! Hmmm... wonder if I can find some eels around here...” Maybe even some squid or octopus...
Annabeth looked at me in shock. “Did you say raw fish?”
“Ummm... yes? Don’t worry though, you won’t get sick or anything. It’s not like I’m making pufferfish or anything, and you can always stick to an avocado roll or something.” Even though I’m a good cook, I am not going to mess with pufferfish. That is a quick way to die.
“Well, I suppose I could try it, but I must say that it sounds rather odd,” everyone else nodded in agreement about it. They’ll come around. Everyone always comes around to my cooking.
“Well, now that that’s out of the way... Alkaios~” Time to troll. Watch and learn.
My favourite Spartan grunted in reply, “What do you want?”
“Oh nothing much really~ I was just wondering why you and AJ can hardly seem to look at each other without blushing.” At the mere mention of the orange mare, the blush returned in full force.
“N-no reason!” AJ butted in.
“Did you get into the Apple family’s cider? Oh my! Alkaios, are you an alchy? Heh, Alky the alchy!” Oh I am never going to stop using that.
“What? No. Stop calling me that.” All gruff and tough, but that blush just makes him look tsundere. I swear if he says “baka,” I am running away before this turns into anything awkward.
“Oooh, please do tell! Pleasepleaseplease.” Rarity used beg on Applejack.
“Eerrm... Well, *gulp* alright Rarity.” It was super effective.
“Well ya see, this morning, Alkaios and I were talking over breakfast and um,” she gulped audibly, “he asked for some of... mah milk.” Both AJ and Alkaios were blushing furiously.
“That’s all? I had milk with my breakfast. What’s so awkward about that?” Seriously, what’s their deal? How can milk be so awkward.
“Back in Sparta, it is customary to drink m-mare’s milk. I wasn’t thinking when she asked me what I wanted to drink.” Aaaaaaand I have now seen a Greek Facepalm.
“So you mean that you...” Twilight trailed off, eyes wide.
“Yes. I asked for her milk.”
I couldn’t hold in my laughter any longer. It may have started off as a snicker, but in no time at all I was bellowing my laughter and rolling on the floor. Not one of my more dignified moments, but who cares really? It’s funny!
Apparently though, everyone else was too busy being embarrassed. All the ponies were blushing like mad, but Spike just kinda stood there confused. That is until Twilight whispered in his ear, THEN he started blushing too.
Rarity glared at me, “How can you be so flippant?”
“Oh come on! You have to admit it is at least a little bit funny. It’s not like he asked with the sole intention of offending her. I’d imagine that Big Mac wouldn’t take too kindly to that.” I chuckled some more at the thought of the red workhorse chasing the ancient Spartan through the streets of Ponyville with the Benny Hill theme blasting at full volume.
“Wait, how do you know Big Mac?” Applejack looked rather confused.
“Land of Legends, remember? The people that followed the stories of here know an awful lot about the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony and a few other char- um, ponies. There isn’t a whole lot known about Big Mac to be honest, but after seeing him pull a house while trying to get to Cheerilee, I’m pretty sure that he could give Alkaios a run for his money.”
“What? But it was only a few months ago that the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ antics wrecked my boutique! How could you know about that?” Huh, so Hearts and Hooves day wasn’t that long ago? Interesting.
I decided I should be honest with them, “I have absolutely no idea. It’s magic, I ain’t gotta explain anything.” Boo yah. Never thought I’d get to say that to a pony. “Anywho, why exactly have we all gathered here today? I don’t mind getting to chill with y’all, but I’m just curious to know if there was some purpose.”
“Oh! Rarity, I was wondering if you could help us make them look a little more presentable? I was hoping to arrange a meeting with the mayor so she could introduce the newest citizens of Ponyville.” And Pinkie Pie will throw a giant party. It doesn’t even need to be said really.
“Oh but of course, dear. It won’t take but just a moment.” Applejack, Twilight, and Spike started backing away slowly from us as the purple maned fashionista levitated measuring tapes, pins, and fabrics toward us. “Now just stay still and this won’t hurt at all.”
Eep. Mommy?
~~~
It’s too bad I had to pick up some hired hands, er, hooves, or whatever. I’d have prefered to jump right to the cargo’s location, snatch them up, and be done with it, but this is what the boss wants, so this is what I’ll do. If only that kobold didn’t stink so much. The agent tried to distract himself from the stench emanating from the lizard-man sitting across from him on the train from Stalliongrad.
“Do you all understand your parts of the plan?” The cloaked figure asked his hired “help.”
“Of course. We are professionals after all, and if what you say is true, this job will be giving us some special satisfaction on top of the pay you’ve offered us.” The unicorn puffed up her chest.
“Chyaah. This is totally going to be awesome.” The griffin stroked her feathered head, straightening a few plumes.
“Excellent. Now just shut up and sleep. This mode of transportation is far too slow for my taste, but it will have to do. We arrive at the destination in 3 days.”
~~~
That was the strangest 4 hours of my life, so far at least. Rarity went into a designing storm, and honestly, it kinda scared me. The speed that those scissors and needles were moving would be enough to scare most men to the point of tears, but not me. I’m made of tougher stuff... and there were ladies present so there’s no way I’m letting them see me cry.
After the first hour or so Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash showed up and we got to talk a bit. We brought them up to speed on Alky’s question this morning, much to Fluttershy’s horror and RD’s mirth. Fluttershy also said that if any of her chickens or rabbits pass away, we’re welcome to it. She also mentioned that eating fish isn’t looked down upon nearly as much. OH YEAH! Sushi night will be here soon! I got to talk to Alkaios a bit more about the history of Sparta and Greece in general, but it was actually pretty boring for everyone except Twilight who was furiously scribbling down notes on everything we said and did that related to our homelands. Fang Hua showed us a bit of her Kung Fu, and she even taught me a bit more than I already knew. Those hoop blades were crazy, she was doing tricks with them that even made Rainbow Dash impressed. Of course Annabeth didn’t take part in this bit since it wasn’t ladylike. She also rebuffed my every attempt to start a conversation with her. She is a flipping ice queen right now, but I suppose my earlier advances on her weren’t exactly... subtle.
Anywho, after those four agonizing, yet entertaining, hours, Rarity came parading out of her work room with four outfits floating along behind her.
Whoa. I mean, WHOA. The outfits are awesome in the show, but they can’t really compare to having one made for you. Rarity crafted a neat little skirt, tunic, and cape combo for Alkaios in white with a red trim. The cape was almost more like a poncho, but when he wore it, no one could possibly dare to call it anything but manly. Dang it, I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but I can’t hold back any longer.... Alkaios is hot. THERE! I SAID IT! He is a very handsome man, but I am not any less of a man for admitting it. Can we move on now?
Fang Hua had a beautiful ensemble of silk pants and robes. So. Many. Layers. All in blues and greens. Somehow, Rarity managed to find a hair pin for her as well, don’t ask me how a clothier can make jewelry, but I guess that comes with her special talent for jewels and whatnot. I’m not doing a very good job of describing these, am I?
Anywho, I nearly passed out once I saw Annabeth. She had a white silk blouse with three quarter sleeves, and, despite Rarity’s objections, she was wearing olive drab pants with spats. I never really thought that the WWII look was all that hot, but now I think otherwise. It wouldn’t surprise me to see her painted on the side of a fighter or bomber plane. She seriously looks like a woman straight off of one of those 1940’s pinups!
Anywho, (why do I keep saying that? It isn’t even a real word... well it is now, so there!) Rarity finally came out with my outfit, and I must say ME GUSTA. Black denim slacks with a loose white button up shirt. A black jacket with epaulets and a stiff collar goes over the shirt, and is that..? It is. A British Driver’s Cap. I can now die a happy man. I used to have one of those, but I lost in in Italy. Long story.
Each of us dressed behind the folding divider that Rarity keeps off to one side of her boutique for trying on clothes, though why a pony would need it is beyond me. I’m just going to roll with it.
“Wow Rarity. These are incredible!” I slipped the jacket on after dressing behind the folding divider, though it only came up to my mid chest, and it felt like pure joy. I can’t explain how a jacket can feel like joy, but this one did. I couldn’t help but smile when I wore it. My fellow humans uttered similar exclamations of wonder and awe upon receiving their clothes.
“Well, now that that’s taken care of,” Spike checked off another item on the list, “shouldn’t we get going to the town meeting? I’m sure everypony else is already there.”
“You’re right Spike, I almost forgot that the meeting will be starting in a few minutes.” Twilight nodded decisively.
“Cutting it awfully close, aren’t we?” Annabeth raised an eyebrow disapprovingly.
“Aw lighten up. My family is almost always 5-10 minutes late every time anything is going on. If we’re late, then we’re on time.” Seriously, family gatherings never start when they are scheduled to start.
“I can’t stand being tardy! We had better get going!” Twilight levitated us all up and out of the shop towards the center of town. Huh, ya know, I could get used to being levitated everywhere I go. It’s quite comfortable really.
One other nice thing about being levitated, you don’t have to worry about where you’re going. You can just sit back and enjoy the ride. Oh look! There’s Sugarcube Corner, and there’s the Joke Shop from Griffon the Brush Off. I think that’s Berry Punch’s house over there. Yeah, the foundations have been reinforced recently. I guess she doesn’t want to be dragged all over town by Big Mac again.
And here we are. All dressed up and ready to go. Twilight took us in a side door that apparently led backstage. The Mayor was waiting for us. She did jump just a little bit upon seeing us, but we probably don’t look nearly as scary now as we did early. Seeing Alkaios in his blood-stained armor would be enough to make most ponies faint, and even without the armor, he still radiated danger. I guess it would be more like a smell really, but it’s hard to describe.Twilight and Mayor Mare exchanged a few whispered greetings, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying over the murmuring of the crowd beyond the curtain.
The mayor nodded to Twilight and stepped out through the curtain. Our pony chaperones took their leave as well to go watch from the crowd. Now it was just us humans back here chilling behind the curtain. Perhaps I could use this as a moment to apologize to Annabeth for coming on so strongly. I would flirt with Fang Hua, but I’m getting some strong “Stay away from my woman” vibes coming from Alkaios. I guess I’ll lay off for now.
Before I could even start to say a thing to Annabeth, Mayor Mare started her introduction. “Welcome Fillies and Gentlecolts of Ponyville! I’m sure that by now you’ve heard various rumors of the newest additions to our humble community. Therefore, this town meeting has been called to properly introduce each of them to you!”
A voice called out, “What makes them so special that they need an introduction?” That sounded a lot like Filthy Rich. Makes sense I suppose, snobbish little...
“An excellent question Mr. Rich,” nailed it. “You see, our new neighbors are not ponies.”
A few gasps and muttered conversations broke out before a new voice asked, “Then what are they?” Hmmm... can’t quite place that one. Might be Bon-bon, but she has so many voices, it is hard to tell.
“Why don’t you ask them yourself, Daisy?” Dang! I was really off that time. Oh wait, I think that’s our cue to come on stage. The curtains parted and the collective gasp that the crowd emitted was night deafening. I mean seriously, I know I’m sexy, but isn’t a five second long gasp a little bit much?
Quick! Brain! Think of something witty to say!
“Well hello to you too.” GENIUS! Thanks brain!
Any time, bro.
Uh... OK?
Annabeth grabbed me by the arm and whispered in my ear, “I think you’ve answered enough questions today. I think I’ll take over before you offend anyone else.” Awww she’s mad at me.
“Knock yourself out.” I’ll bail her out if she needs it of course, but this will give me a better chance to really observe the crowd.
The meeting proceeded in a standard Q&A session. Ponies would raise a hoof, and Annabeth, Alkaios, and Fang Hua would answer them. Not many questions were directed toward me, so I got to really watch the crowd. A few things caught my eye right off the bat,. First off, there were no animation doubles, which only makes sense seeing as how this isn’t animated... I think. Second thing I noticed was Lyra. She had her excited face on. Hooo boy, looks like all those fic writers who think that Lyra is obsessed with humans may be on to something. Every time Lyra would try to raise a hoof, Bon-bon would pull it back down and give Lyra a glare. D’aaaw, those two are so cute together.
Next order of business, gotta find Derpy/Ditzy, or whatever you want to call her. I’m not going to decide one way or the other till I really meet her. Hmmmm.... DM says make a Spot check.... nat 20. Boo yah. There she is! Derpy eyes and all! She’s in the back hanging out next to... Doctor Whooves who is giving me a death glare. Crap. I bet he knows about humans, but if he does know about humans, that means he’s the real Doctor from Doctor Who, which means I can go back home and get my cat! I suppose I could let my family know I’m not dead yet....
Crap.
That song.
That horribly amazing song.
It is now stuck in my head.
I am not dead yet, I can dance and I can sing, I am not dead yet, I can do the highland fling
I am not dead yet No need to go to bed No need to call the Doctor ‘Cause I’m not yet dead!
I suppose I could call the Doctor since I know where to find him now. I wonder if he’d give me a lift on the TARDIS?
Anyway, the questions continued on for awhile. Nothing too unusual. Just things like, “What are you? Where are you from? Why are you wearing so much clothes?” That last one was a little bit awkward, but at least we got it answered now instead of later. This went on for about a half an hour or so until...
“Enough questions!” Pinkie Pie somehow appeared on stage next to us. “It’s time to PARTAAY!!!”
Then confetti exploded from everywhere. Oh Pinkie Pie, how I long for your ability to break physics and laugh in the face of logic.
The music started playing, nothing too crazy yet, but that might change if I have anything to say about it.
I turned to face my most recent of human companions and extended my hand, “Shall we?”
Annabeth offered me the first smile I’ve seen from her, “Let’s.”
Author’s Note
Well, it took longer than I anticipated, but I finally did it. I hope you guys liked it!
Special thanks to Coal Buck, RaiderRy4n, Glassed, and a few others for prereading this for me. (not that I had any typos or anything... <.<)
As I have said before, and I’ll say again, A won the competition, but B did pretty well too. I’ll keep it nice and happy for a while, but the plot will thicken, and action will come. Nothing too dark... probably. When I say “dark” I do not mean grimdark, I mean sad, emotional, scary (but not too scary).
As for the delay... blame Fairy Tail. My sister told me to start watching it, and I listened. AMAZING anime (I’d read the manga, but I’m a sucker for the music).
Enough rambling now on my part. I look forward to your response, and if you guys have any suggestions or questions, feel free to post them in the comments or PM me any time. I am toying with the idea of OCs appearing, but no promises yet.
I know I mentioned a musical number appearing in this chapter, but it just didn’t quite fit in with the flow of the story. I still plan on having that happen later, and if anyone has any advice, suggestions, or vocal talent, feel free to contact me! Thanks a bunch guys!
OK. Final FINAL Author’s note. I have said this before, but not all of you seem to have seen it. I will be leaving for two years for a religious mission for my church. During those two years I will eat, breath, and sleep my religion. No ponies at all during that time. :( This means that I must finish this fic BEFORE I leave. Therefore, I give you all full permission to pester, bother, and prod me to write at any and all times. (no way am I going to regret this)
We've been at this for quite a while, haven't we? Ya know, if what you've said is true, they'll be coming for us both pretty soon. *sigh* I guess that means I had better hurry along with the story. If we still have time after I bring you up to speed, we can go back and I'll tell you a few more of the funny anecdotes. Anyway, back to the story...
Where was I? Oh yeah, the party, right?
OK, well the party was a ton of fun. Got to introduce several new types of music to the pony-folk, and I also managed to snag a few dances with Annabeth. I think that some of the more...energetic songs may have been a bit much for some of them, but all in all, everyone had a lot of fun. Vinyl Scratch loved the drum and base and other electronica.
Now, you know I don't drink, but it seems that after the younger ponies left, somepony *cough cough*Berry Punch*cough cough* spiked the punch. It may seem hard to believe, but Alkaios is actually quite the light weight. He and Fang Hua had a few drinks too many and got...close. I don't really think it is normal for people to get together that quickly, but they look happy together, so who am I to stop them?
Now, I'm sure you're wondering what other interactions I had with the ponies, especially a few particular ponies. First off, Doctor Whooves was really evasive. He slipped up a few times, but I don't have any real proof that he is The Doctor from the show...yet. Derpy/Ditzy (I never did catch her real name), seemed really happy to meet all of us, but she was still in full control of her mental faculties. She just has a really bubbly personality. As for Lyra, Bon Bon kept on dragging her away before I could catch her. I may be wrong, but it seems to me that Bon Bon may be a just a teeny bit racist...well I guess it would be more like xenophobic, but I digress. I finally did catch up with Lyra after Bon Bon had a few drinks, and she was really quite reasonable. She had all sorts of myths about humans from thousands of years prior. Apparently, we are like unicorns to them. Rarely found, but it's a big deal when we show up. It also explained why neither of the princesses freaked out upon seeing us and why Twilight didn't want to dissect us to study our internal workings.
So the party was a ton of fun and all the ponies accepted us for the most part. Next day we got up and went out to Sweet Apple Acres. Despite not being able to eat any of the apple stuff, I still helped out with picking apples. It was OK, but I took the first opportunity I could to pop over to Sugarcube Corner instead to help Pinkie with baking. I miiiiiight have also baked a few things special for Annabeth. Turns out ponies have never had cheesecake before. Mr. and Mrs. Cake were flipping out over their first bites of cheesecake. I also gave them my sister's old buttermilk pie recipe, but I did have to warn them how sweet it was. So our third day in Equestria was spent working, baking, and eating.
After a bit of planning with Twilight, I managed to figure out how to combine my laptop with her magic for a huge floating screen. To be honest, I didn't miss having internet all that much because I know that if Twilight had internet access, she'd find Wikipedia, and no one would ever hear from her again. I did not let her have too much time on my laptop because I didn't really want her to come across my MLP stuff. The whole point of the giant screen though was a little plan that I had. The entire day, and most of the night, we had a movie marathon.
Pick your jaw up off the floor already. Yes, we had a movie marathon. For ponies and humans alike. Again, while I would like to go into more detail, we lack the time. Let’s just say that their faces upon finding out that Darth Vader was Luke’s father...I can’t even begin to express how priceless that was. Fang Hua’s reaction to western mythology was pretty interesting while we watched the Lord of the Rings. Of course Twilight was scribbling notes the entire time no matter how often I told her that these movies were nothing like actual life where we were from. What are ya gonna do though?
Well, we stayed up pretty late watching movies, so the next day started kinda late. I ended up getting roped into keeping an eye on the CMC. Sweetie Belle came back from her parents that day and wanted to hang with her friends. Anywho, we ran around town. Shenanigans ensued.
After cleaning up the last of the toffee from the local blacksmith’s forge (don’t ask how it ended up there), the three little devils took it upon themselves to set up a date with Annabeth for me. I doubt I’ll ever know how they managed it, but 7 o’clock that night, Annabeth and I were all dressed up and having a candlelight dinner in a local cafe. The choices for dining were salad, salad, or salad. After a delicious meal of salad, we ended up taking a stroll through the park at night, talking about all sorts of things. I had to dodge several questions involving my past, but she didn’t choose to push the topic, thank goodness. You know what I’m talking about when I say that.
She came from a nice, fairly high class family in England, but her father, mother, sister, and two brothers all died in the first days of the blitz. Instead of wallowing in sorrow, she became a saboteur, working behind enemy lines for the allied forces. We talked a bit about what would have happened in her future and how technology and culture changed. Actually ran into Fang Hua and Alkaios in a meadow there too. Apparently she was teaching him how to meditate.
After our lovely date, I walked her back to Rarity's place and we parted ways. No I didn't get a kiss or anything! It was our first date for crying out loud! What kind of girl do you think she is!?
Though I DID hang around a little bit after she went inside. Her and Rarity started talking a million miles a minute. Couldn't hardly make out a word they were saying, so I headed back to the library. Chatted with Twilight for a bit about some aspects of human life. Cars, was it? Ah, I don't remember. All in all, it was a pleasant day aside from the debacle with the Cutie Mark Crusaders...
On the next day, YOU showed up.
Author’s Note: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know I haven’t written in ages and I could offer tons of excuses, but that wouldn’t change the fact that I just did something horrible. It’s been over a month since my last chapter, and you were expecting something big to make up for the fact, but instead, I did THIS. CLIFFHANGER! Don’t worry too much. I am working on the next chapter RIGHT NOW. It’ll be up either later today or sometime tomorrow. Have fun raging and going insane from the amount of stuff I skipped over. If I do end up having time, I do fully plan on going back and writing about the days that I skimmed over. See ya soon!
BTW, I have started an OC pony ask-blog. It’s still pretty fresh, and I don’t have any pictures yet, but I hope that you guys will follow it or at least ask me some questions! http://ask-trail-blazer.tumblr.com/ I’ll be drawing a lot, but it shouldn’t slow down my writing. Video games are what do that. >.>
So there we were, having a picnic in the main park of Ponyville. Ya know, just having a great time. While I had spent the past few days flirtin’ with Annabeth, Alkaios had been busy chatting up Fang Hua. It turned out that they had a lot in common. They both worked for insanely powerful royalty, they were both crazy overpowered at any sort of physical combat, and they both LOVED weapons. In short, it was a match made on the battlefield. All their free time was spent sparring and exchanging techniques. They seemed to particularly love grappling as it they were almost always found in some rather "awkward" positions, if ya know what I mean. Applejack and Rainbow Dash also expressed interest in learning a few techniques, but they didn't seem to enjoy it nearly as much as Fang Hua and Alkaios did. Rarity and Fluttershy were constantly around Annabeth talking about the differences between our world and theirs. The different fashions, cultures, and even the differences in the wildlife. Twilight tried to occupy most of my time, grilling me for information regarding our technology and science. I was a little hesitant to say the least. I mean, sure it'd be awesome to help a society totally skip the fossil fuel stage and go straight to renewable energy, but at the same time, I didn't exactly want to give information regarding nuclear technology when I don't fully grasp all the science behind it. I may just be rambling here, but I'm pretty sure that if any of my actions led to a nuclear meltdown, that would probably be a one way ticket to the moon... or the sun if Luna got ahold of me first.
Where was I? Oh yeah! The picnic! OK so we were chilling under the shade of one of the trees there, everyone and everypony were all having a great time snacking on some veggie sandwiches (what I wouldn't have given for some bacon with that...) and drinking some lemonade. Alky and Fang were off to one side, sparring as usual. RD was laying out with her awesome sunglasses, Twilight was talking with Rarity about a new book, yadda yadda yadda. You get the picture. Now one important detail that I cannot skip is that this was the first time that I employed that age old maneuver that all men know: The Yawn. Oh yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Ya sliiiiide a little bit closer to her, take a deep breath and stretch out your arms as you let loose with a ridiculously large yawn. As you're wrapping it up, you casually let one arm draped around her shoulders in a totally "accidental" manner. Now, as you may have guessed, this maneuver ALWAYS works... about 68% of the time at least. Needless to say, I was quite comfortable with those odds. I mean, YOU know the kind of odds that I usually get myself into, but back to the main story. Annabeth looked up at me with a coy smile, perfectly aware of how smooth and awesome I was being and leaned into me. Everything was going great.
Until Pinkie chose that exact moment to appear out of the tree above us.
"Hiya!" She beamed a comically large grin.
"Hi there Pinkie, how have you been doing?" After a few days of her literally appearing out of thin air, ya kinda get used to it.
"Oh I'm doing just great!" She hopped down out of the tree, brushing a few leaves out of her mane casually. She drawled, "So... how did your date go last night?"
Annabeth and I exchanged a cautious glance. It was unusual for Pinkie to be so laid back about such matters. Annabeth answered, "It went quite well, thank you for asking."
Pinkie nodded sagely and rubbed her chin for a moment before continuing, "Well then, did you two smooch?"
It was all I could do to keep from bursting out laughing the moment she said "smooch." Who even uses that word anyway? Annabeth on the other hand turned a shade of red that would have made Big Mac jealous. "Wh-what?!? Pinkie! I- I-"
Rarity intervened, "Pinkie Pie! A lady does not kiss and tell!"
"Oooooooohhh..." the pink pony pondered this problem. Then she turned to me. "So Isaac, you're not a lady so YOU can tell me!" Pinkie sat there, a grin so wide it almost split her face. You gotta admit though, that is a pretty clever way around that line of logic.
I had to come up with a distraction quickly. Not because I couldn't answer the question, but because I didn't want to embarrass Annabeth (and no, I'm not telling you what happened). so, I did what you would have done in that situation, I used DISTRACTION. "What do you mean I'm not a lady!?" I put my hands on my hips, "Do I not have that 'hourglass' figure? Am I not pretty enough for you?"
Now the shocked expressions that were watching us earlier were all snickers and grins. Mission accomplished... or so I thought. Pinkie chuckled and replied, "Silly Isaac, a man can't be pretty." She wagged her hoof at me in a disapproving manner.
I fell to my knees and raised my fists heavenward, "Where is it written that a man can't be pretty?!?" At this everyone except for Pinkie was nearing tears from our antics. Even Annabeth was having a hard time breathing.
In response to my question, Pinkie pulled a book labeled "Da Rulz" out of her mane. "It's right here! See?" she said, flipping to a seemingly random page.
Wary of anything that Pinkie had pulled out of her mane, I slowly leaned forward to examine the book. Upon reading the line she was pointing at, it clearly stated, "Rule #3918 A Man cannot be pretty." I fell back to my spot next to Annabeth, confused at how my distraction had led to such an earth shattering discovery. I can never be pretty... Meh, what do I care? I'll just be sexy instead.
Twilight took this moment to speak up, "Pinkie, where did you get that book? I've never seen or heard of it before."
The pink mare in question shoved the tome back into the depths of her voluminous mane and explained, "Oh, it isn't mine. I'm just borrowing it from a couple of fairy friends of mine."
At that very moment, a boastful voice rang out, "Come one! Come all! Come and watch the Great and Powerful Trixie as she defeats the pitiful Twilight Sparkle and her insignificant friends!" The azure pony came trotting out to the middle of the road leading past the park. Numerous ponies pointed and whispered at her arrival.
Yep, that's right. Such an overused cliche actually happened while I was there. I literally facepalmed when I heard her voice. I have nothing against Trixie, I mean she is just a blowhard. She doesn't really do anything horrible to anyone, she just is irritating. Now GILDA on the other hand...
"Yeah! You dweebs are going to get it! Even you Rainbow Crash!" A Griffon alighted next to the blue show-pony. She tugged at the feathers that acted as her "hair," trying to look cool. Fluttershy cowered down behind Rainbow Dash at Gilda's arrival.
Now, I'm normally a very reasonable person, it takes a lot to make me mad, ya know? This being said, as soon as I saw Gilda, I stood up and if it weren't for Annabeth holding on to my arm, I would have walked right up to Gilda and ripped her a new one. I'm sorry, but you DO NOT MAKE FLUTTERSHY CRY.
“OI!” I yelled at Gilda, “Yeah! You! The stupid turkey without a brain!”
“Whadda ya want, you freak?”
“What I want,” I started, suddenly serious, “is for you to really consider your next actions. Do you really want to just start throwing threats and insults around?”
Meanwhile, a ‘hooded figure’ watches from high atop Town Hall.
“Oh yeah? Well, consider this!” With that, she proved that a Griffon’s claws are capable of some surprisingly familiar rude gestures.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something distinctly... off about this entire encounter. Something about the look in their eyes. I’ve seen that look before... and I never thought I would see it here, of all places. Intention to do harm.
As if to confirm my fears, the two were suddenly joined by three monsters whom I definitely did not recognise from the show. One was a hulking minotaur, similar in appearance to Iron Will, but since he lacked the microphone, he was clearly a different guy. That and his color was slightly off. Another was a Diamond Dog, and didn’t seem altogether impressive. The effect of his tough-guy expression was ruined slightly by his poodle-like afro. The third was a small lizard-like creature, and I had to hold back a snicker as I put a name to its features... was that seriously a Kobold?
“Trixie, for one, is looking quite forward to this coming engagement. Imagine - Twilight Sparkle, laid low by the Great and Powerful Trixie! I can practically taste the fanfare!”
“Trixie, I don’t want to fight you!” There was an edge of panic in her voice. I couldn’t tell if she was afraid to fight the showmare, or afraid that she might have to fight her.
“Well, Trixie wants to fight you, Sparkle. And once you are defeated, there will be no doubt just who is the most powerful magician in Equestria! Mua ha ha ha ha!” Trixie kicked her forelegs into the air as she laughed her villainous laugh, and fireworks exploded behind her for effect. Even Gilda had to face-claw at the cheesy display.
“Now, Ah don’t reckon we need no scuffle to prove anythin’.”
“I agree!” Rarity sounded downright scandalised. “Why, fighting is so uncouth! Can’t we settle this like civilised ponies?”
“Who ‘ya callin a pony, fru fru?”
“Oh, you know what I mean. How about over some tea?”
It was a reasonable suggestion. I myself wasn’t particularly keen on fighting them, but Fang Hua and Alkaios wouldn’t likely have those same qualms. In fact, I could see that both were raring for a fight. This could get ugly.
“That is not an option.” The gruff voice of the minotaur caught our collective attentions, proving that a peaceful solution was likely out of reach. Rarity frowned at being brushed away, though I could see determination in her eyes. If it came to a fight, I knew she would hold her own. I wasn’t sure if I could say the same for Fluttershy, however, who was trying to make herself invisible behind Alkaios.
“Let’s see what you’re made of. Glib Glib, attack the skinny one.”
“Glib Glib? Who...” My question was answered before I even asked as the Kobold, armed with a small dagger, charged towards me. Well... they wanted to see what I could do, right? With slight amusement, I wondered if Equestrian kobolds were still only one-third challenge rating.
My foot connected with the tiny creatures dagger hand with a snap kick, sending the weapon flying into the air. His eyes widened in surprise as my foot reared back and shot forward once more, this time into his face. His gaze followed the dagger as it soared skyward, but he should have been watching my other foot as it slammed into his chest, throwing him back into a nearby tree. I’m pretty sure I saw some literal spirals in his eyes, but I could be wrong.
I turned my attention to my friends to see if they needed any help.
Fang Hua and Alkaios reacted immediately, their warriors’ instincts taking control as soon as combat was initiated. Fang’s target was the Diamond Dog, and with reflexes that made even me slightly jealous, she ducked beneath the swing of his claws and delivered a painful looking kick to his ribs. Alkaios, meanwhile, met the minotaur head on (not literally. Those things have horns).
I quickly learned a few things about my new friends. For one, Fang Hua is REALLY flexible. I mean, the kind of flexible that is so crazy it is really close to the point of disgusting, but not quite there. I wonder if she can teach Annabeth how to... ANYWAY! Alkaios. That guy. That guy is so freakishly strong. Do you know what he did to the minotaur? He suplexed it. Yeah. Alkaios, the Spartan, literally lifted this massive minotaur up over his head and slammed him into the ground. ONE HIT KO.
*deep breath*
OK, I think I’m done freaking out over those two.
So then, as for the Mane 6 - well, to be honest, I didn’t really see what was going on. What? I was kind of distracted, after all. I mean, I actually got to watch a legit Spartan soldier tussle with a freaking minotaur. Admit it... that's where you would be looking, too. Whatever the case may be... well, this part of the fight didn’t really last very long.
Things were going well for us, as far as I could tell. Neither the minotaur nor the diamond dogs lasted very long against their respective opponents, and I knew the Mane 6 would be more then able to hold their own.
Naturally, someone would have to come along and remind us that we’re not as big and bad as we’d like to think. The mysterious figure leapt from the Town Hall, landing in the center of the group with a shockwave which stunned nearly everyone (and everypony) present. It was that moment that I realized that we might be in serious danger.
Alkaios recovered first. With a battle cry worthy of a true Greek warrior, he charged, aiming a powerful roundhouse at the newcomer. His opponent blocked the blow, returning with several quick jabs of his own to weak points in Alkaios’s armor. Each hit was accompanied by what looked like a small static burst. Alkaios is a powerful fighter, but even his famed Spartan toughness was no match for the electric assault, and it was only a matter of time before he went down.
Next was Fang Hua. She fared slightly better, actually landing a few hits of her own, while dodging most of the charged punches and kicks her attacker sent her way. However, Fang’s fighting style relied on speed and quickness rather than stamina, and each successful hit took its toll on her. Soon, she was down as well, as the stranger turned his attention to me.
It was at that moment that Annabeth struck, having approached silently to attack once the stranger’s attention was elsewhere. I had to hand it to her... her covert training was something to behold as she delivered what should have been a debilitating blow to the side of his neck, following that up with a jab to the kidney. A lesser opponent would have gone down from an assault like that, but that was not the case here. Clearly pained, the stranger nevertheless turned sharply, gripping her arm and landing an electric blow directly into her gut.
Remember when I said I was a hard guy to move to anger? Well, guess what. That, right there. That really pissed me off.
On our first day here in Equestria, the four of us made a promise to the Princesses to avoid lethal force at all costs, and I’m nothing if not a man of my word. As angry as I was (and believe me, I was angry) I was not about to break that promise unless I absolutely had to.
The cloaked figure didn’t even wait for Annabeth to hit the ground before he charged towards me. In one quick movement, I drew the service pistol still holstered at my hip, firing a single round into his foot. This shot had precisely the desired effect, as my opponents charge was broken and he fell flat on his face. Content with my momentary victory, I re-holstered my weapon, and made a charge of my own.
This guy was a skilled fighter, there was no doubt about that. He recovered quickly, meeting my charge with a defensive stance as I launched into an attack. After seeing him fight, I knew that his primary asset in this fight would be his electrically charged attacks, which would debilitate a foe quickly. So, if I were to press the attack, and refuse to let him make an attack of his own, I should be able to at least wear him down a bit.
We fought this way for a while, with me throwing attack after attack, which he either dodged or blocked. Every now and again, I would land a glancing blow, but it would be absorbed by some kind of futuristic carapace armour which he wore under his cloak; possibly explaining the electric nature of his kicks and punches. Still, for a while, this seemed to be working.
Suddenly, he broke my assault with a surprise uppercut, which I only narrowly avoided. Unfortunately, this small gap in my attacks was all he needed to press the advantage, and soon it was me who was on the defensive. Knowing that it wouldn’t take many hits to bring me down, I focused my energy on dodging rather than blocking.
As the fight went on, I wasn’t even aware of the ponies who were no doubt watching us with rapt attention. All of my mind was focused on this man who had hurt Annabell. Even as I felt the fatigue settling in, my anger allowed me to fight on. Thankfully, I could see that this prolonged engagement was having a similar effect on my adversary, if his increasingly sluggish attacks were any indication. Still, all this dodging around was starting to take its toll, and I was worried that it would be over soon.
As the battle raged on, we were slowly growing more and more fatigued, so we both jumped back after a few more punches were thrown. We were taking a moment to catch our breath, so everyone and everypony else took the time to gather around to watch the final blow, to see the final victor, the survivor of the battle to end all ages. We rushed at each other, and...
... embraced each other in a spine-cracking bear hug.
I’ll admit, Nathaniel, that was one heck of a hug.
There was stunned silence all around as the two of us held onto each other, tears streaming down our faces. Slowly, step by step, they approached, forming a circle of shocked humans and ponies around us. After a long moment, it was actually Rainbow Dash who finally broke the silence:
“What.”
I couldn’t believe my eyes! It was you... it was really you!
“Nathanial, how...”
“Wait, Isaac, there’s no time! Get back! Everyone, get back!”
Of course, you didn’t finish that sentence in the park near city hall. Your warning came too late. There was that flash of light, and now, all of us, me, you, my human friends, and the Mane 6, are all here.
So, now that we’ve gotten all of that out of the way, Nathaniel, do you mind telling me where, exactly, here is?
Author’s Note:
Well, that’s it then. I am actually gone. I am sorry that I was not able to finish this story before I left, but I will not allow the story to die due to my absence. A few of my very close friends and fellow writers here on fimfiction have “volunteered” to help finish the story, and by “volunteered” I mean “been forced into.” I kid, I kid, they really did practically volunteer. Now, even though I am gone, the story will progress along the original storyline. I have spoken at length with all of my friends who will be working on this and they all understand my vision for this story.
Now I’m sorry for this ridiculously long author’s note, but I do want to say a few final things. First off, thank all of you who commissioned me for artwork. Thanks to you I was able to make it to TrotCon and had an AMAZING time. I’m sorry to those of you who ended up not getting a picture either due to time constraints or other issues.
For those of you who are a little lost, I will be spending the next two years of my life in Los Angeles, California teaching those who are interested about my religion, which is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I will not have internet access throughout this time, but I will be able to send and receive letters and emails (emails are only from my immediate family though). If you don’t really want to take the time to write an actual letter to me, pop on over to eldernoe.tumblr.com and send a question or comment to me. My parents will be maintaining the blog and will send me weekly updates about anything y’all have to say. I will also be posting pictures and stories about my mission there (by proxy of course) every now and again, so feel free to check in whenever you feel like it!
As a final note from me, I just want to say Thank You. All of you have been a great source of self-confidence and the real driving force behind this story. I still can hardly believe that this story has amassed over 1300 faves despite the fact I haven’t updated in over two months! (sorry about that BTW) I hope that my friends will do a good job with this story, and I know that they will appreciate any feedback that you guys can give. I hope you all have wonderful lives and I wish you the best in all that you do. If you’re ever in LA, send me a message ahead of time via Tumblr and I’ll try to hit ya up!
I kid, I kid, they really did practically volunteer. Now, even though I am gone, the story will progress along the original storyline. I have spoken at length with all of my friends who will be working on this and they all understand my vision for this story.