A bunch of single-chapter stories which may or not make sense. It all depends on how you look at them, I guess.
This is just a collection of things I wrote which are either too short to make into a proper story, or ideas I started and then abandoned for various reasons.
Warning: Contains 100% Randomness and 0% Sense.
AUTHOR'S NOTES
Each chapter has some tags in it to denote what the story is about. The tags are separated with spaces.
1P: 1st Person | 2P: 2nd Person | C: Comedy | S: Sad GR: Geoverse Related | R: Romance | H: Human | OC: Original/Own Characters OM: Overused Meme | FT: Filly Twilight | WIE: Warcraft In Equestria | BL: Bad Language V: Violence | NC: Non-Canon* | A: Abandoned** | ST: Suggestive Themes D: Dark | SoL: Slice of Life | Rnd: Random | X: Crossover | UKoE: UK of Equestria***
* Only used for stories which have the GR tag. ** The chapter was going to be a separate one-shot, but was scrapped for reasons specified in the Author's Notes. *** The chapter was inspired by one or more users of the UK of Equestria TeamSpeak.
You stand proudly, gently swaying in the breeze in the air.
Today was just another day and once again it would seem that the townsponies just can't get enough of you. Mares and stallions alike have their hooves all other your slim frame.
But you don't mind the attention. In fact, you relished the touch of these ordinary ponies.
Well, the earth ponies and pegasi at least. The unicorns simply used their magic. But you could still feel it. And it felt good.
A small buzzing sound fills the air, attracting the attention of the townsponies. They look to each other fearfully. They know that sound. And so do you.
... it's them. The three fillies who have caused you so much pain in the past. They call themselves the 'Cutie Mark Crusaders', but you know them as the Harbingers Of Doom.
And they're heading your way.
You try to flee but find to your dismay that you cannot move. The scooter approaches, the little orange pegasus flapping her tiny wings for all she is worth while her two friends cling on for dear life. She sees you and her eyes widen in horror.
She has realised all too late that she is going too fast. She jams a hoof into the ground to act as a brake, which it does — if only for a moment. The scooter stops, but the three fillies have more than enough momentum saved up to fly forwards.
CRASH!
The three ponies collide with you at a very high rate of speed, sending you onto the floor in a heap. A surprised gasp is heard, followed by frantic hoofsteps on the stairs as a lavender unicorn makes her way into the room.
"What in Equestria happened here?" she screams.
She catches sight of you lying on the floor and gasps. She turns towards the Crusaders and snorts angrily.
"This is the third time this week this has happened!" she says, "Don't think I'm going to let you get away with it this time!"
She produces a dustpan and brush and passes them over to the three fillies. The earth pony, Apple Bloom, takes them.
"Clean up this mess." Twilight snaps as she leaves the room, but not before casting a sad glance back towards you.
Apple Bloom waits until Twilight leaves and groans. She trots over to where you lie and frowns. To add insult to injury she kicks out at you with a hoof before speaking, her words dripping with venom.
"You dumb door," she hissed, "we wouldn't have been in this mess if ya had been open!"
You enter your room with a frown fixed firmly on your face, the cake stains still on your suit. You had never expected your plan to go as awry as this, but stranger things have happened.
You remove the ruined suit and toss it into the bin. It's not like you haven't got enough money to afford a new one. After having a quick shower, you walk over to your bookcase.
Perusing the titles, you eventually find the one you're looking for. It's the only book on the shelves without a title on the spine, so it's not hard to find.
You reach out with your magic and grab it, pulling it towards you. A series of clicks soon fills your room and the bookcase swings forward. You enter the secret door and descend the just-as-secret staircase, the door naturally closing behind you.
Inside the room is your secret intelligence centre. To many ponies, including some of the Canterlot elite, you were a boorish snob who didn't care much for anypony but yourself.
You snort at the thought. If only those foals knew how much you worked to protect their selfish flanks. You trot over to a large screen and focus some magic into a nearby crystal and the image of an elderly mare appears. She seems to have been expecting you, if the way she has her forehooves together is anything to go by.
"Ah there you are Blueblood," she says, "I was wondering when I would hear from you again. A little bird tells me you've been having some trouble with eating your cake."
"A minor misunderstanding Ms. Manefield," you reply, "but I did what had to be done. That mare isn't the first one to try and win my heart, and she certainly won't be the last."
Manefield nods, before she scrunches her face up in confusion. You know that look; it means she's about to ask you a question.
"I have to ask Blueblood," she says, "but why on Equestria are you such a damn heart-breaker?"
You sigh.
"Because my missions lie at the heart of Equestria," you reply, "and not at the heart of a mare who will spend all of her time wondering where I am and what I'm doing. I don't want to inflict that on anypony, nor do I want to worry myself with the well-being of a special somepony. Which is why I act the way I do around mares."
Manefield laughs.
"And it turns out that a lot of mares like the 'bad-colt' attitude," she says, "because they think they can change you."
You nod.
"Exactly," you say, "but as long as they keep coming I will keep pushing them away. I don't want to hurt them, but it's for their good, my own good, and for the good of Equestria that I do so."
"A noble sentiment Blueblood," Manefield replies, "and one I can agree with. But now, onto more serious matters. I have a mission for you."
You salute.
"For Equestria." you say proudly, "Now, let's hear it."
You stand silently in front of your private jet. Behind you, your security staff are trying desperately to hold back a sea of ponies who are screaming incomprehensibly.
You turn around slowly and look at them. The screaming intensifies. You raise a hand to quieten them, which they do instantly.
"My friends," you say, "today marks the end of a rather horrific tour. I have come to a decision, but before I tell you what it is, I feel that there are some things I need to explain."
You sigh.
"First of all, the incident at my performance. I apologise for what happened, but let me assure you that it was not intentional."
You pinch your nose and rub the bridge before continuing.
"Secondly, what happened at that restaurant was unacceptable. Seriously, I reserved that damn table my first day here. So pardon me for wanting to get what was mine. That family had no right to be at my table."
The crowd looks at you blankly.
"Finally, that camera stallion. He had no right to speak to me like that. In fact, if it wasn't for my security team I would have ripped his damn head off!"
The crowd starts murmuring amongst themselves.
"Now that I've said all of that, I can share with you my decision. As of right now, I am never coming back to Equestria again. This place is just horrible. I am a superstar, and I deserve better treatment!"
The crowd stop murmuring and stare at you. Without any further words you get into your jet and sit down, just as screaming fills the air. Seems like they're upset.
This pleases you. Perhaps now they would beg you to return, as well as offer you many apologies and lots of money.
With a small grin on your face you lean over to the window to listen to the crowd. Your face suddenly falls.
They're not screaming in despair.
They're screaming with glee.
You open the blind and look out at them. They are dancing on the runway and waving placards in the air. A single tear runs down your face as you shut the blind and slump in your seat.
As the jet begins its journey down the runway you begin to make out words amongst the cheering.
"Bieber is gone!" a pony yells, "The drinks are on us!"
You break down upon hearing this, but what you hear next causes your self-esteem to vanish completely.
It was a quiet day in the cottage today, being as such that the animals have finally moved on. I took it upon myself to let you know just how I feel about my final decision. I chose not to tell the others about this as it would only hurt them.
I had that dream again last night. The one about Angel and I going to a magical place, a place up in the stars where we could be happy together. It always feels so real to me when I'm in that place, I feel at peace with everything. Do you know what that feels like?
I have been doing what I promised you ever since I first told you about it, visiting him almost every day. I like to read him his favourite story, hoping that he will forgive me for doing what I'm about to do. If only he knew that I still loved him, seeing him smile again would take the pain away.
After I made the final preparations I went to see Rarity for a few hours, where I told her that wearing her new dress made her look gorgeous. She was surprised when I gave her my favorite plant to look after, so I told her that I was going away for quite a while. She asked me where I was going but I couldn't tell her because putting such news on a friend could really hurt them, and they would join you in feeling the pain you feel. Do you know what pain feels like?
She wanted to take me to the spa as a going away present. The guilt was burning deep down inside of me, and I wanted to tell her so bad, Diary. But I guess you have to look your best, given such an occasion.
Once I returned to my cottage, I sat by the window and listened to the sounds of the wildlife in the forest. It was calming to know that all of the animals were at peace. It was a beautiful day today, the pegasi had been told make sure that the sky was clear for a few days. I looked down to the floor of my cottage, that feeling slowly creeping back up on me. But it was too late to go back now. Do you know what regret feels like?
I'm sorry Diary, but it's almost time to say goodbye. I think we have had some special moments, you and I. Writing that made me giggle, I like rhymes. I must go now, time is almost up for me...
***
I laid the quill down and sat in silence.
It felt good, telling Diary how I had spent my day. It made me happy, a feeling I haven't felt in a while.
I trotted over to the chair and climbed onto it, grabbing the rope for support. I steadied myself and stood firmly on the chair before lowering the noose around my neck. I tightened it, closed my eyes and kicked back the chair.
After a few short moments, I opened my eyes.
"Wha—" I gasped in shock.
"I'm not letting you do this Fluttershy." Geo said as he held his arms around me, thus preventing my fall.
He quickly removed the rope from my neck and placed me down on the floor before glancing over the the open door, where I saw Twilight. She simply nodded as Geo stood by her side.
"I guess you'll have to wait just a little bit longer Angel." I whispered as I looked down at the floor.
And right now you are with your friend Fluttershy on yet another trip to the spa. You, of course, are getting the works. Facial, hooficure, mud bath, and so forth. Right now its the sauna.
Fluttershy, as usual, is getting the basic package. Nothing new there then. That mare really needs to liven up.
You realise that you've been sitting staring at the wall for the last... Celestia knows how long. But judging by the concerned look on Fluttershy's face, it's been a while.
"Um... Rarity," she squeaks, "are you all right?"
You turn to look at her.
"I'm fine darling," you reply, "I was merely thinking."
"Oh?" Fluttershy responds, "About what?"
"About..." you think for a moment, "all of the wonderful things to be found here in Ponyville."
Fluttershy smiles.
"Oh yes," she says dreamily, "there are many things I love about living here. Everypony is so nice, and there are lots of cute little critters. And then there's the fact that no matter what season it is, Ponyville always looks so perfect."
Finally, a conversation.
"What is your favourite season Fluttershy darling?" you ask.
"It would have to be spring." she replies, "That's when all the new babies are born. They're just so cute."
She lets out a squee.
"What about you Rarity?" she asks, "What's your favourite season?"
"Summer." you say quickly, "It has to be summer. I just adore the luxurious feeling of its warmth against me."
Fluttershy smiles sweetly and the two of you go back to sitting in silence. The rest of your spa trip goes by quickly.
***
You say your farewells to Fluttershy and trot home feeling as fresh as a daisy. You enter the Boutique and close the door behind you.
"Rarity?" a voice calls, "Is that you?"
"Yes darling," you reply, "I'm just back from the spa."
You hear hoofsteps on the stairs and another unicorn comes into the room. She smiles warmly and walks over, wrapping her forehooves around you in a hug.
"I love you Rarity." she says, "Have I ever told you that?"
You nod.
"And I love you too," you pause for a moment, "Summer Breeze."
Princess Celestia sat on her throne, idly watching the world go by.
Suddenly, the doors to the throne room swung open and two figures, an alicorn and a human, came in — both of them with large grins on their faces.
"Ahh," Celestia said pleasantly, "Twilight and Geo. It's nice to see the two of you. And how are you adjusting to your new lives as Prince and Princess?"
"Actually Princess," Twilight replied, "I was doing some reading earlier and I discovered something."
Celestia cocked her head to one side.
"Oh?" she asked, "And what would that be?"
"It's like this." Geo said, "If a country doesn't have a designated queen, then the first princess to get married assumes the title."
"I... I'm not sure I understand." Celestia appeared worried, "What are you trying to say?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Twilight sighed, "I was a unicorn who got married and then I became a princess. And since Cadence is already in charge of the Crystal Empire, that makes me Queen of Equestria."
"And it also makes me King of Equestria." Geo added, "Put simply, Celestia, you and Luna are not in charge any more."
"You mean..." Celestia was horrified, "you're overthrowing Luna and I? But that's preposterous! Twilight can't control the sun and the moon, and I don't think the Equestrian populace will appreciate the sudden change in leadership."
"They won't even be aware of the change in leadership," Geo said, "because as far as they'll be concerned, you and Luna are still in charge. But in reality, you will both be doing what we tell you to."
Celestia narrowed her eyes.
"And what if we refuse?" she snapped, "We could simply stop you."
"And how would you do that?" Twilight scoffed, "You do realise that the Elements of Harmony won't work against me, given that I hold one of them? And killing or imprisoning either of us will render the Elements useless as well, thus leaving Equestria vulnerable."
Celestia cursed under her breath.
"Now stand aside Princess," Geo said, "and let the King and Queen test the comfort of their new thrones."
Celestia left the room angrily as Twilight and Geo approached the thrones and sat down.
That's all you ever seem to do these days, is run from crowds of delirious ponies. If you were a pegasus you could probably give Rainbow Dash a run for her money, you've become that fast.
"There he is!" a mare's piercing yell cuts through the air, "Get him!"
Buck your life, you were so caught up in your thoughts you forgot to hide. And so, you start running again. The mare is soon joined by a few others. Not that you're counting them, of course.
You dive over trash cans and slide under carts in your mad bid to escape. Unfortunately this only serves to attract even more unwanted attention as the pony who owned the cart you just leapt over joins the pursuit.
You think back to when this all started. At first you were happy with the attention. In fact, you revelled in it. But it soon became annoying, with too many ponies accosting you in the street and screaming in your face.
You make out your home in the distance. If you can get there, you'll be safe. Unleashing all your extra energy you begin sprinting to the door.
Three hundred hooves.
Two hundred hooves.
One hundred ho—
A rope is suddenly wrapped around your midsection and you fall to the ground. You struggle against it, only to find an orange Earth pony mare standing over you with a triumphant grin on her face.
"Ah got 'im girls!" she yells. She glances down at you and adds, "Mah friends an' I want ta see fer ourselves what all the fuss is."
You gulp.
"Excellent work, Applejack!" another mare says, "I thought for sure we wouldn't get him on time."
Applejack tips her hat.
"Thank ya kindly, Twilight," she replies, "but y'all know that Ah can do so much more than simply buck apples."
A lavender unicorn enters your field of vision. But she's not alone. As well as these two you can make out two pegasi, another Earth pony and another unicorn.
"Ooh!" the other Earth pony squeals, "Let's take him back to the basement in Sugarcube Corner! Nopony will disturb us there!"
"Sounds good ta me, Pinkie." Applejack replies, "Come on girls, help me git 'im up."
Pinkie Pie? Applejack? Twilight?
Suddenly it dawns on you. The Elements of Harmony themselves have captured you. You know where this is going, and as the mares drag you away your face changes from a frown to a mile-wide grin.
Twilight Sparkle paced back and forth nervously, her eyes fixed firmly on a spot above her. The little filly was muttering to herself, working out various ways to help her friend stuck in the tree.
The clopping of hooves behind her failed to attract her attention — though the white forehoof giving her a noogie did. She gasped in irritation and turned around to glare at the culprit.
"Shiny," she grumbled, "what was that for?!"
"Sorry, Twiley," Shining Armour grinned, "but I just couldn't resist. Anyway, little sis, what's wrong? You look fed up."
"My friend," Twilight pointed at the tree, "is stuck up there, and I'm trying to work out how to get him down."
Shining Armour cocked his head at his sister and raised an eyebrow in confusion as she began pacing again.
"You're a unicorn," he replied, "so just use your magic."
"No," Twilight replied, "I don't want to. I want to see if I can find an alternative solution to this problem. Using my magic would be the most obvious solution, but I wouldn't learn anything."
Shining Armour chuckled.
"It's just like my time at the Guard Academy." he said, "The commanding officers needed something done, they got us to do it for them. After all, nothing says discipline like peeling potatoes."
Twilight stopped pacing and gasped. She turned around and looked upon her brother fondly.
"That's it!" she squealed, "I could get somepony else to do it for me! Shiny, you're a genius! Say... you're not busy are you?"
Shining Armour gulped. He knew where this was going, but the pleading look in his sister's sparkling eyes made his heart melt and his pancreas cry out in despair.
"Sure, Twiley," he croaked out, "what do you need?"
Twilight jabbed a forehoof at the tree eagerly.
"Could you be the best brother ever and get Quadri down for me?" she asked sweetly, "We'd both really appreciate it."
"Quadri?" Shining Armour queried, "Is that his name?"
"It's short for Quadri Lateral," Twilight replied, "now are you going to get him down or not?"
Shining Armour groaned and trotted over to the tree. He lit his horn up with a levitation spell and took hold of his target. He brought them down to the ground, where Twilight took them eagerly into her forehooves with a small cheer.
The stallion watched Twilight for a moment with a grin on his face as she celebrated being reunited with her friend, before he sighed and rolled his eyes.
"When our parents told me you had made a new friend," he said, "I was really happy for you, Twiley. But looking at you now I can see that you need to make some friends who are actual ponies."
Twilight ignored her brother's remark and ran off, the kite trailing flimsily along the ground behind her.
"Okay, Spike," Twilight said, "now that you're up there you can—"
A loud bang interrupted proceedings as the door to the library was suddenly blown off its hinges and thrown across the room. Twilight and Spike gasped in shock and stared dumbfounded at the two figures who rushed in with weapons drawn, and their eyes darting around the room.
"Where are they?!" one of them yelled.
"Show yourselves, scum!" the other added.
Twilight blinked and glanced at Spike, who simply shrugged. Rolling her eyes, the unicorn addressed the two.
"Zorann, Luxxoria," she said, "what the heck are you talking about? Where are who, and why are you referring to them as 'scum'?"
"We're talking about the cultists!" Zorann replied, "We heard from Pinkie Pie that they were here!"
"Those cultists are bad news, Twilight." Luxxoria said, "So if they've been here, I suggest you tell us. If left unchecked it could spell doom for all of Equestria."
Twilight sighed.
"I honestly have no idea what you're talking about." she grumbled, "All I do know is that you two owe me a new door."
Zorann and Luxxoria exchanged a cautious glance with each other and started looking around the library.
"Maybe she's been brainwashed?" Luxxoria said, "You know as well as I do what those twisted freaks are like."
"I do indeed," Zorann replied, "but the real question is... how in the Nether did they get here?"
Luxxoria shrugged as she threw back the curtains, as if expecting an enemy to be cowering there.
"You two are starting to annoy me." Twilight snapped, "What did Pinkie say to you that's got you so worked up?!"
Zorann stopped walking and looked at Twilight.
"She told us," he said, "that Spike was looking for Twi—"
His sudden silence caused Luxxoria to stop her search and look at her friend with a raised eyebrow.
"Uh, Zorann?" she asked, "What's wrong?"
Zorann pointed at Spike, who was standing atop a ladder with an item in his hand.
"I was looking for this." he said as he held it up for them to see. They looked at it and covered their faces with their palms.
"Oh for..." Luxxoria groaned, "so that's what Pinkie meant when she said 'Twilight's Hammer'!"
The unidentified pony ran through the halls of Canterlot Castle, several guards behind her and closing in fast. She grinned wickedly as she disappeared around a corner.
"You'll never catch me, fools!" She taunted.
The guards pursuing her groaned briefly before one of them, a unicorn stallion, suddenly gasped.
"Why are we chasing her?" He asked. "We seem to be forgetting the fact that we're guards."
"What are you talking about?" Another guard replied. "Of course we haven't forgotten that we're guards!"
"We must have," the first guard sighed, "otherwise we would be using the tools of our trade!"
His companions looked at him blankly, causing him to groan. Using his magic he levitated a crossbow off the wall. The others stared at him for a moment before they grinned.
***
The mare with Twilight's crown peeked out from behind a pillar. Glancing left and right she stepped into the open with a confused look on her face.
"Surely those guards aren't that useless?" She muttered. "I was hoping for a more exciting chase.
"There she is!" A voice cried. "Fire at will!"
The mare gasped in shock as something impacted the ground beside her. She looked around to see a crossbow bolt embedded in the marble floor.
"What in the—"
Another bolt flew over her head, causing her to yelp in fright. She turned and fled, dropping the crown, as more bolts filled the air. The projectiles slammed into walls, vases, paintings and doors before one finally found its mark, embedding itself in the mares' front leg. She screamed in agony as she fell down.
Before she could do anything else the guards fell upon her, clamping manacles around her legs and taking her away. As the last guard left, a purple alicorn stepped up to the crown on the ground. Picking it up in her magical aura she sighed in relief.
"Okay, everypony," she shouted, "Panic averted! I've got my crown back! Well done to all of you!"
She placed the crown back on her head and walked back to her chambers, ignoring the cries of the would-be thief echoing in the air around her.
"Your precious Twilight Sparkle is ours now," Sombra says menacingly, "and there's not a single thing you can do about it."
He punctuates this with some clichéd evil laughter. You drop to your knees and look towards the sky, letting out a cry that pierces the heavens themselves.
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Sombra laughs some more as some epic bad-guy type music starts playing from out of nowhere. He doesn't seem to notice but you do, and you look around in confusion.
"Now," he snarls, "you will meet all of my demands. If you meet these demands then I may consider giving her back to you."
He stomps a forehoof into the ground.
"But if you don't meet my demands," he continues, "then something very bad will happen."
You look him straight in the eyes.
"Very well, Sombra." You say curtly. "What are your demands?"
Sombra blinks in surprise. He obviously wasn't expecting you to ask him that question.
"Uhh..." He flounders for a moment, "Hold on, I've got a piece of paper here somewhere."
He rummages around and produces a piece of paper. He looks at it for a moment before snorting.
"Who the fuck writes this shit?" he mutters to himself, though you still heard it. After a moment, he clears his throat.
"The demands," he says dramatically, "are five million bits."
He pauses for effect.
"And... and... and... that's it."
You roll your eyes and sigh before producing your wallet. You still don't know how you could hold all your bits, but you had other things on your mind right now.
You start counting your bits. If you had magic this would be done in a breeze. By the time you reach the seventeen-thousand mark Sombra is nearly dying of boredom. He growls and charges his horn with magic, taking your wallet in his aura.
"You've only got 4,999,999 bits!" He bellows. "... very well! I shall make a new challenge!"
"Really?" You mutter. "And what will that challenge be?"
Sombra puts a hoof to his chin and starts rubbing it while the gears in his head start to turn. A few minutes pass before he gets an idea, throwing his forehoof into the air with a gasp.
"You must go around Ponyville stark naked..." he says with a malevolent grin, "while doing the Gangnam Style dance!"
He breaks out the evil laughter again as the bad-guy music grinds to a halt. You fold your arms and stare at him.
"Okay," you say simply, "I'll do it."
Sombra stops laughing and gawks at you as you remove all your clothes and run out into the street shouting like a madman.
"Oppa Gangnam Style!"
You come back a few minutes later with a very smug grin on your face, Sombra still standing where you left him. He blinks a couple of times before he finally speaks.
"Now this..." He mumbles. "This... this... this didn't go exactly like I had hoped it would."
He lets out a long sigh before he shrugs.
"Screw it." He charges up his horn again and a familiar mare suddenly appears in front of you. "Have your stupid lavender unicorn, human, because I don't need her!"
"Yay!" You exclaim happily as you grab the stunned Twilight in a crushing embrace.
"Gah!" She squeals. "Not so tight, you're going to h—"
Suddenly there's a loud pop, and you find yourself covered in blood and unicorn insides. Sombra looks at you for a moment before he falls over laughing. You look at the splattered remains of your mare and let out a single word.
You wake up feeling refreshed after a good night's sleep. Eager to start the day you decide to get up and begin your morning ritual. After having a shower and a shave, you head downstairs to your kitchen to make the best breakfast known to ponykind.
Pancakes.
With a lick of your lips in anticipation of the fluffy goodness to come you start gathering the ingredients. Flour, milk and eggs.
That's when it hits you. You have none of these things because your lazy flank hasn't been shopping yet. Your stomach growls, probably out of anger more than hunger, and you look around in panic for something else.
Again, you haven't been shopping. So there's nothing but cereal and milk which has probably turned to cheese.
There's nothing else for it, you're going to have to go to Sugarcube Corner and get your pancakes there. Nothing else will suffice.
Grabbing your bits you leave the house and rush into town, deftly leaping over stunned (and at often times angry) townsponies and their market stalls in your mad dash for sustenance.
You enter the bakery with a flourish, if landing face-first on the floor counts as such, and join the small queue. At the counter is Pinkie Pie, serving the customers with her usual bubbly charm.
Her blistering speed means you're not waiting in line for long, and soon you are at the front.
"Hi there!" Pinkie chirps. "What can I get you today?"
"Pancakes." You reply as your stomach churns. "And quick!"
"Okie-dokie-loki!" Pinkie replies. "One order of pancakes, coming right up! Take a seat, and I'll be with you in a jiffy!"
You put some bits down on the counter and head over to the table, which is covered with a large tablecloth patterned with flowers. You run a forehoof along it nonchalantly, getting a feel for the fabric. Whoever made this thing certainly knows what they're doing.
You're so caught up in your own little world you fail to notice Pinkie Pie arriving with your pancakes – and by 'arrive', she actually materialises out of thin air in the chair next to you.
"Here you go!" She squeals. "Your pancakes are done!"
You gasp in shock at the sudden voice in your ear and leap into the air like a cat. Pinkie watches you rise with a comically large grin on her face — a grin which fades into a frown as you fall on the table, upending the plate of pancakes and splattering them all over her face. You chuckle sheepishly and pass her a napkin.
"Sorry." You mutter. "I wasn't expecting you to suddenly appear like that. You scared the heck out of me."
"How dare you?" Pinkie says flatly.
"It was an accident!" You reply defensively. "I didn't mean to land on the table like that. Don't worry, the syrup will wash out."
"I don't care about that." She growls. "What I do care about is the fact that you've ruined a perfectly good tablecloth!"
She points at the table. Sure enough, the cloth is splattered with pancake remnants and syrup.
"My friend Rarity spent a lot of time making that for me." Pinkie continues. "And now you've ruined all her hard work!"
You raise an eyebrow at her.
"To be honest," you say, "it was kinda your fault that this happened. If you hadn't have sneaked up on me like that..."
Pinkie growls at you and reaches into her mane. She pulls something out and sets it down. You glance at it, wondering what on Equestria it could possibly be.
Four words on the side make it abundantly clear.
MARK FIVE PARTY CANNON.
It also happens to be the last thing you can remember seeing before everything went black.
Since coming to Equestria, John had had to make do without a lot of the things he had back on Earth.
Computers, electricity, phones, televisions, the internet... and meat; these were just some of the comforts he yearned for. But despite this, he still managed to get on without them.
However, there was one thing which he missed that he couldn't possibly live without. His insatiable desire to obtain this product had brought him to Ace's lab – where he was now pestering the man in question to give him what he wanted.
"John." Ace groaned. "I've told you before that while I can bring stuff from Earth, I have no control over where in Equestria it will appear. It could appear in the middle of the room, or thousands of miles away in a dragons' hoard."
"I don't care." John snapped. "Just give me what I want, and leave finding it to me. I can't live without this stuff, Ace, it's all I've been able to think of lately."
"Does Applejack know about this?" Ace raised an eyebrow questioningly. "Or are you keeping your desires secret?"
John ran his hand over the back of his head, smoothing down his hair while absent-mindedly kicking out at nothing in particular.
"No." He replied. "AJ doesn't know. I mean come on, how the hell am I supposed to explain it to her? I wouldn't know how to describe the taste, let alone the pleasure it brings me."
Ace laid a hand on John's shoulder reassuringly.
"I know your pain." He said. "There are many things which I've had to give up as well. But you try getting Pinkie Pie to sit still long enough to have a serious conversation!"
John chuckled and patted Ace's hand before removing it from his shoulder. Ace smiled and walked over to a console.
"Since you have your heart set on obtaining this stuff," he said, "I will give it to you. But remember what I said earlier about not being able to control where it appears."
John waved a hand dismissively.
"Yeah yeah." He said flatly. "Just fire the damn thing up already. Daddy needs his fix."
Ace sighed and shook his head. He pressed a few buttons on his console and the machine it was attached to began beeping. A few seconds later a loud pop filled the laboratory, followed by silence.
"Is that it?" John asked, to which Ace nodded. "All righty then, I just need to find the damn thing now."
A loud crash suddenly entered the men's ears as a large crate fell through the ceiling. John looked up in horror, only to scream as the object fell on top of him, sending him onto the floor.
Ace ran over and gasped.
"John!" He shouted. "Are you all right?"
John gave a weak thumbs up in response. Ace looked at the crate. Stamped on the side were three words:
BARR'S IRN BRU
"It's made in Scotland." John said gleefully. "From girders."
A large smile spread across his face as he passed out to the sound of Ace's hand connecting with his forehead.
Your letters have warmed my heart and made me realise the error of my ways. Meet me in the castle library at midnight, and we can come up with a plan which will allow me to leave my husband. You and I belong together, and nothing can change that.
Lots of love Princess Twilight Sparkle
***
You hold the letter close to your chest as you sneak down the hall from the barracks to the library. You feel as though you are walking on air, and your heart feels like somepony banging on a drum kit.
Approaching the library door you check to make sure you are alone before cracking it open and stepping inside. The smell of the musty tomes fills your nostrils and you close the door gently.
"Flash?" A familiar voice calling your name makes your ears perk up. "Is that you, Flash?"
"Yeah." You reply. "It's me. Is that you, Twilight?"
"It is." She replies. "Before I reveal myself to you, I have two questions for you. First, why do you feel the way you do about me? And secondly, why should I leave my family to be with you?"
You take a few nervous breaths.
"I love you because you've done so much for Equestria and asked for nothing in return. I love you because you're a beautiful, elegant mare. And I think you should leave your family because that husband of yours is not good enough. I can give you something that he can't — stability."
"Stability?" Twilight asks. "Could you elaborate on that?"
"I mean that I wouldn't do anything which would get me taken away from you." You reply. "I would always be there for you, regardless of what may happen. It would also get the House of Nobles off your back as well, Twilight, because you know that not all of them approve of your marriage to the human."
"It would be nice to go through a whole day without getting harassed by some uptight noble." Twilight muses. "But I have children now, Flash Sentry, I can't leave them."
"Then take them with you." You offer. "Those foals need a stable environment, and I can give them it. They won't be taken from place to place all the time, being left with ponies they don't know because their father is too busy to watch them."
Twilight giggles.
"I'm guessing you don't like Geo that much?" She says. "Tell me, what is it you don't like about him, and what would you be willing to do in order to take me away from him?"
"I hate him." You growl. "He thinks he is so much better than everypony else, simply because he is a Prince now. He says he will always be there to protect you, but if I had my way I would knock some sense into him and show you that he's weak. You need somepony who can stand up for you, Twilight, and it isn't him."
"Hmm..." Twilight trails off for a moment. "Well I'm convinced. Since you obviously care so much about me, I am going to give you exactly what you want."
Your face lights up the darkened room and you fail to stop yourself bounding on the spot like an overexcited foal.
"This is the happiest night of my life!" You exclaim. "I am going to get the mare of my dreams, and show that uptight husband of hers that he's not the one she deserves!"
"Oh, I'm sorry." Twilight laughs. "But when I said 'give you exactly what you want', I didn't mean me."
The lights in the library are suddenly turned on, rendering you blind for the briefest of moments. When you regain your sight you look up to find yourself staring at a very angry Prince.
"Oh ponyfeathers." You mutter.
Geo simply grins, cracks his knuckles and takes a step forward. He raises his fist, causing you to throw your forehooves up defensively.
"Wait!" You cry. "I don't know how you impersonated Twilight so well, but what if she finds out about this? She'll never forgive you!"
Laughter fills your ears as, to your dismay, Twilight steps out from behind another one of the bookcases.
"It was my idea." She says with a grin. "I grew tired of the filth you were sending, so I concocted this little plan to teach you a lesson."
With those words your entire world falls apart... followed closely by your teeth as Geo punches you in the jaw.
"Seriously, Twilight, how often do I ask you for favours?" you say as your eyes track the alicorn, who is pacing around the library. "All I'm asking is that you use your powers to fetch some stuff for me."
"It's not that simple," she replies. "But the last time I used this kind of magic, I tore you away from your friends and family and dragged you kicking and screaming into Equestria."
You sigh. "Yes, but that was different," you smile in an attempt to console her. "What I am asking for isn't another person, or a pet... or even alive for that matter. I just want to experience a couple of things from my old life that I miss."
Twilight smiles back before breaking out in giggles at the pleading expression on your face. You've got your hands clasped together as though you're praying, your eyes have widened to puppy levels and you've got a pout which Rarity would be proud of. Twilight turns away and waves her forelegs at you. "All right, all right!" she pleads. "I'll get these things if you just stop doing that!"
You grin, dropping the pout and returning your eyes and arms to their normal positions. "Thanks, Twi," you reply. "Now, the things I'm after are a drink called Irn-Bru and a chocolate bar called a Curly Wurly. They are pretty much the best things ever conceived by mankind... and I love them so much."
You describe the items in detail, so that Twilight knows exactly what she is looking for. Once you're satisfied that she does, you step back and allow her to charge her horn with magic while you eagerly lick your lips in anticipation of the delectable tastes to come.
The spell goes off exactly like you first remember it: a loud humming noise, followed by a flash of light, a loud bang, a slight ringing in your ears and then the feeling of hitting something solid as you're blasted into the wall. Ahh, good times.
As you open your eyes, you are greeted by the wonderful sight of a bottle of Irn-Bru and a Curly Wurly bar. Blinded by your eagerness you reach out to grab them with both hands — only to be greeted with something soft and two sharp gasps of shock.
"Hey!" a mare yells. "Get your hooves off me!"
"Yeah!" another mare adds. "We're not those kinds of mares, so go and find somepony else to—!"
At the sudden silence, you look up to find yourself staring at a couple of Earth ponies. One is orange with a blue mane and tail while the other is a silver colour with a curly two-tone red and blue mane and tail. You quickly withdraw your hands from what you've just realised are their flanks and look at Twilight, who is looking at the two new arrivals in alarm. "No, no, no, no," she whines. "This wasn't supposed to happen! Wait... how did this happen?!"
The orange mare snorts. "I dunno," she shrugs. "But, for some bizarre reason, part of me is glad that it did." She shakes her head and holds out a forehoof. "Where are my manners? I'm Irn Bru, and this is Curly Wurly, it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."
"Uh... likewise," you reply hesitantly. "Say, Twilight, could I have a word with you in private for a moment or two?" Without waiting for her to respond you take a hold of her horn and drag her into the kitchen. "What the hell did you do?!" you demand, your voice halfway between a whisper and a shout.
Twilight groans. "When I was casting the summoning spell, I was focusing on the descriptions you gave me of the things you wanted," she replies. "I guess I concentrated a little bit too much." She facehoofs. "I'm sorry, I really am. But I can't exactly fix this... because that would technically mean we have to kill them."
You let out a long, drawn-out sigh. "So, basically, I've gotten what I wanted... just not in the way I was expecting?" Twilight nods. "Great. So what do you suggest we do about it?"
"By doing the same thing we do for anypony who is new to this town," Twilight says with a small smile. "We make them our friends! After all, we're the ones who dragged them here."
You chuckle. "I guess that could work," you shrug. "And I know that Pinkie Pie will be overjoyed at the prospect of throwing two more welcome parties." You look at the two new arrivals. "All right, ladies, allow me to be your guide to Ponyville."
You pace around nervously, casting an occasional glance towards the clock on the wall. Your friends watch you, each of them with a reassuring smile on their face.
"Don't worry, Fluttershy," Rarity soothes. "He'll be here."
You nod slightly. "I know, Rarity," you reply. "I just get so worried."
Rarity giggles. "That's true, darling," she says. "But it has to be said that you tend to worry a lot about all of your friends."
"That's only because I don't like the idea of anything happening to them," you mumble. "Especially when they're as fragile as he is."
Rainbow Dash sidles up to you. "Would you chill out, Flutters?" she says brashly. "This is supposed to be a party!"
"Yeah!" Pinkie Pie exclaims. "D'you really think the birthday boy would like to see you all sad and mopey?" You shake your head. "Right then, so turn that frown upside-down!" Do as you're asked, you allow a small smile to grace your features, which causes Pinkie to develop a mile-wide grin. "That's the spirit, Fluttershy!"
"Pinkie's right, Fluttershy," Twilight opines. "It's just not natural for somepony to be upset while at one of her parties. Anyway, your friend should be along soon... and then we can celebrate!"
As if on cue, something enters your cottage through an open window and crash-lands on the table, sending up a small cloud of dust and cake. You gasp in shock at the sudden intrusion and rush over in a panic.
In the middle of the table lies a small bird. It is black with a white front. With graceful precision you pick it up and cradle it in your forehooves. "Oh my," you say worriedly. "You took a nasty fall there, Mr. Magpie." The magpie responds with a pained chirp. "Let's take a closer look at you, shall we?"
As you take the magpie over to your work area the door opens, revealing a black pegasus stallion with blue-tipped wings. His white mane and tail seem to reflect the sunlight streaming in through the window, while his eyes show confusion. He doesn't say anything as you walk past, though you do stop briefly to speak to him.
"Sorry, Scatterbrain," you say gently. "But it looks like your party is going to have to wait."
Your forehooves start shaking as you read the note again. Its message is short, simple and to the point:
Dear Sweet Tale,
Thou hast You have been our my employee for exactly one year now. As such, there is something that we I need to discuss with thee you. Thy Your presence is therefore requested in mine my chambers after the sun goes down.
Yours sincerely, Princess Luna
Even writing in the modern way is hard for her, but that's why she employed you — to do her writing for her while helping her to get to grips with the way things are done nowadays. It's a good job which pays very well, and Luna herself is a delight to work for. Nightmare Moon is long since defeated, so why so many ponies are still afraid of her is beyond you.
A quick glance out the window reveals that the sun is already beginning its descent, so you get off your train of thought and put the note in your bag before beginning the short walk to your intended – and required – destination.
You soon find yourself standing before the ornate wooden door which marks the entrance to Luna's private bedroom. Rumour has it she only brings ponies in here to yell at them, so to say that you are nervous would be the understatement of the millennium.
With a sharp exhale you slowly bring a forehoof to the door and gently knock on it three times. A second later and the door is enveloped in Luna's magic and opened wide enough for you to step inside, which you do without any hesitation, and then closed behind you with a soft click.
You take a few steps into the room before realising that it is in complete darkness. You look around for a moment before you hear Luna speaking to you.
"Good evening to thee, Sweet Tale," she says, her voice still showing the sweet melodic tone you've come to appreciate. "Dost thou know why we have summoned thee here tonight?"
You lick your lips and shake your head. "N-no, your Highness," you reply. "I am not sure why I am here."
"We have heard the rumours," Luna sighs. "Rest assured, Sweet Tale, thou art not here to be reprimanded. Rather, thou art here to be commended for all the work thou hast performed for me over the past year."
You perk up a bit at hearing this. "Commended?" you ask. "Really? But, Princess, I don't really deserve any commendation for simply performing the duty which I have been task—."
"Two things," Luna interrupts. "First of all, thou may call us by our name. Thou art a friend, and therefore we think that thou should be allowed to drop the formality with us."
"If you wish for me to call you Luna, then I will," you reply. "Now what is the second thing?"
Luna giggles. "The second thing..." the room glows as she charges her horn with magic. "The second thing is thy commendation."
The room lights up to reveal Luna lying on her bed. She is not wearing her regalia — but she is in a rather provocative pose. Your eyes widen at the sight, while Luna opts for biting her lower lip.
"Since we hired you we have started to see thee as more of a friend than an employee," she says. "In fact, thou art one of the few friends we have. But over the last few months, we have wished to see you as more than even that."
"W-what are you trying to say, Luna?" you ask, your legs threatening to turn to jelly. "Is this what I think it is?"
Luna nods. "We certainly hope so," she replies. "Otherwise we will have done this for nothing." She charges her horn again and picks you up in her magical aura, bringing you over to the bed.
The two of you gaze into each others eyes for a moment before you finally lunge at each other, sealing your lips together in a passionate kiss. The feeling is indescribable, and you start to wonder if all of your Hearths Warming Days have come at once.
As you separate Luna manages to breathe out three simple words.
"I love you," she whispers.
"I love you too," you whisper back.
As you share another kiss you can't help feel really good inside. It may have taken you a year to accomplish your goal, but you did it.
You finally got Luna to speak in modern Equestrian.
"I have summoned you here for a very important reason, Flash Sentry," I said quietly. "I know you and I don't quite get along, but I feel that the time has come for you to finally learn why I act the way I do around you."
Flash Sentry cocked his head at me expectantly and cleared his throat. "Uhh, okay," he replied. "I always wondered why you were a bit of a dick towards me... your Highness. I thought it was because I hit on Twilight, but I swear I didn't know she was married."
"It's not that," I replied, a sigh escaping me. "Just... be silent and let me speak. Once I'm finished, you may talk." Flash nodded at me and I began pacing around the room. "When I caught you flirting with my wife I will admit that I was outraged. But, over time, I began to admire your courage in talking to her in the first place. After all, how many stallions can claim that they walked up to a Princess and started dishing out their best chat-up lines?"
Flash grinned at me, a gesture I returned as I resumed talking. "To my considerable worry, this admiration grew into something much deeper. I was afraid of what everypony might think if I admitted my feelings, but now I realise that I just don't give a fuck."
Flash's grin faltered and his jaw hung open slightly. He didn't say anything but instead walked over to me, his eyes wide with a sudden sense of realisation. I watched him approach, his steps slow and unsteady, before he suddenly reared up onto his hind legs and put his forehooves on my shoulders.
"I..." he let out a sigh. "I only hit on Twilight for one reason, and one reason only... you. I have waited so long for this moment — to hear you say those words and finally tell you how I really feel."
Without so much as a warning he leaned in closer, bringing his lips into contact with mine. I stood frozen to the spot, unsure of how to react, as the pegasus continued to kiss me tenderly.
My mind eventually caught up with the situation and I pushed Flash off me, sending him sprawling onto the floor. I glared at him fiercely, the expression on my face causing him to whimper and flatten his ears against his head.
"I don't know what made you think I like you like that," I said. "I don't have a problem with anypony who 'swings that way', as it were, but I do when they try and get it on with me."
"But you said you brought me here to 'tell me how you really felt'!" Flash shouted. "I thought for sure that meant you lo—"
"Loved you?" I laughed. "No, I don't. I think that 'loathe' would be a better word. You may think that I dislike you because of what you said to Twilight, which is partly true. The real reason, however, is the fact that I see you as a pointless excuse of a stallion. Where did you come from? Why are you even here? And, more to the point, do you even have a future? You are, without a doubt, one of the most pathetic ponies I have ever had the misfortune of meeting, and your little stunt here proves that."
Flash didn't respond, choosing instead to scramble to his hooves and bolt out of the room as quickly as he could, tears trailing behind him. As he slammed the door I groaned — while bellowing laughter filled the room. Walking over to the throne I smacked the one making the noise on the head which made them get up and glare at me, the occasional snicker escaping their lips.
"All right, John," I snapped, taking a bit pouch and thrusting it into his hands. "I lost the bet. Now take your money and fuck off."
You are now ready. You slowly reach under your bed and remove the box from underneath it. Placing it on your bed you unlock it and pop the lid open.
The sight that greets you is one to behold. You lick your lips as you remove the object from within, running a forehoof over it as though it was the most precious thing in the world.
Which it totally is.
You close your eyes and imagine what it will feel like once you put it in your mouth. You can almost taste it, the flavours dancing across your tongue while you lose yourself in the bliss.
Daydream over, you reach into the box and take it out — you have been waiting for this all day, so you are keen to see your desires come to fruition. Opening wide, you bring the object to your mouth.
Closer...
Closer...
Almost there...
You are distracted by the sounds of bolts turning and the door opening, followed by the cheery voice of your housemate. "Hey, Sweet Tale," he calls. "Are you he—"
He's no doubt clocked the fact that the blinds are shut and... yep, you can hear his hooves as they come thundering up the stairs. You quickly put your treat back in the box and shove it under the bed, before throwing yourself under the covers and preparing your best glare for your housemate — who kicks the door open and enters.
"What the hell, man?" you demand. "What's your problem, Haywick, you idiot? Can't you see that I'm trying to sleep here?!"
Haywick narrows his eyes at you. "Don't play dumb with me, Sweets," he spits. "I know what you were doing. For Celestia's sake, why can't you just share it?"
You leap out the bed and get up close, baring your teeth at him. "For the last time, Haywick!" you shout. "Those pink wafers are mine, and you're not getting any of them! Now get the hell out of my room!" Haywick curses under his breath and leaves the room, but not before he hears you shout "And you're paying for a new door as well, you jackass!"
As his hoofsteps fade into silence, you glance at the box under your bed. You take it out and glance around your room.
"I'd better find a new hiding place for you," you mutter. "Because there is no way in hell that mule is getting any of my pink wafers."
You walk down the street with a spring in your step and a large smile on your face, admiring the sights and sounds of Ponyville.
"Queer!"
It's a beautiful spring day, the birds are singing, the air smells crisp and fresh, and you couldn't be happier.
"Coltcuddling scumbag!"
All right, that tears it. You sigh and turn to face the one throwing the insults. "What do you want now, Silver Stomp?"
The pegasus glares at you and flares his wings. "I want you to get out of town, Caramel, you fucking fag."
"Yes, yes," you say nonchalantly. "You tell me this at least three times a week, and I always tell you that I'm not going anywhere." You raise an eyebrow at him. "Are we done here, because I've got places to be and things to do."
"And dicks to suck too, I bet," Silver Stomp fires back. "I don't get it, Caramel — we have all these hot mares around here and yet you're only interested in stallions. What's your problem? Why do you have to be gay?"
"My problem?" you snarl, jabbing him in the chest. "What's your problem? Why can't you just accept that I am who I am and leave me the fuck alone?!"
Silver Stomp doesn't reply, so you snort at him before you resume walking down the street. It's not long before you hear rapid hoofsteps and wingbeats coming up behind you. Sure enough, Silver Stomp lands in front of you. "I'm not finished with you yet, Caramel," he snaps. "I still want an answer to my question."
"I know you do," you reply. "But I'm still not going to answer it."
Silver Stomp runs a hoof along the ground. "All right, fine," he says. "If you answer it, then I promise to leave you alone. How does that sound?"
You sigh and roll your eyes. "Make it quick," you reply. "Because one, I'm late enough as it is and two, I really don't want to spend any more time in your company than I have to."
Silver Stomp nods. "Likewise," he mutters. "If anypony sees me sharing more than a few words with you, they'll think you managed to turn me or some shit."
There's a pause before you let out a small cough. "Well?" you demand. "Ask me the question again."
"Huh? Oh, right," Silver Stomp mumbles, clearing his throat. "Are you gay because you don't have a strong male figure in your life?"
You shake your head and grin. Leaning in closer to Silver Stomps ear, you give your answer.
"No," you say wickedly. "I'm gay because I want a strong male figure in my ass."
With those words you walk away with your head held high. Because you are who you are.
As I walked by the side of the lake, whistling contentedly to myself, I took in the sights and sounds of a beautiful spring day.
Birds singing.
Foals playing in the sunshine.
A mare screaming.
"Wait," I said to myself. "That didn't sound right."
I sprinted along the shoreline in the direction of the screaming and found a group of ponies looking desperately at something in the lake. Taking a look, I could clearly make out somepony frantically thrashing around in the water.
"I'll get them," I said determinedly, wading into the water. It was cold, but not by much, and I quickly made my way over to the stricken pony. "I'm coming! Just hold on, and you'll be fine! Because I'm... never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down!" I grinned to myself at my little joke.
I soon reached the unfortunate soul and grabbed hold of them, only to be dragged under the water as they gave up trying to stay afloat. Struggling to breathe, I soon found – to my considerable bewilderment – that the pony was wearing a full set of Royal Guard armour. I took it off as fast as I could — only to find that the pony I had just saved was Flash Sentry.
I swam to the surface, holding Flash, and soon the two of us were taking in much needed air.
"Don't touch me," Flash snapped suddenly. "I don't even want to know where your hands have been."
"Ask Twilight," I grinned. "She'll gladly tell you."
I laughed for all but a moment before Flash headbutted me. I glared at him — and then dunked his head back under the water. He struggled a lot, but was no match for my strength and soon... it was all quiet on the watery front.
I released my hold on him, allowing his body to float to the surface and bob around. "Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down," I whispered, staring at the corpse. "Unless you are Flash Sentry, in which case... drown."
With those words, I returned to the shore so that I could share the grim news with everypony who had been watching.
It had all happened so fast. I was just minding my own business when that pony leapt at me from the shadows, stole my crown and then managed to escape through that strange mirror.
I had never been robbed before, so needless to say I was rather scared. I was being consoled by Princess Celestia when the door swung open and Geo entered, panting profusely. When I saw him, I galloped over and leapt into his arms for a hug. He knew that I had been crying, if the redness of my eyes was anything to go by, and so he began petting my mane in an attempt to console me.
"I heard about what happened," he whispered. "Are you okay, Twi?"
"I'm fine," I sniffled. "They didn't hurt me, they only seemed interested in stealing my crown."
"You're fine?" he parroted, to which I nodded. "If that's the case, then why can I feel a lump on the back of your head?"
I didn't reply, choosing instead to sigh and bury my head into Geo's chest. As he continued to comfort me, the door swung open and John entered — screaming at the top of his lungs.
"All right, you bastard!" he bellowed. "Show yourself now, and perhaps I'll go easy on you! Nobody hurts my friends and gets away with it, you hear me?!"
He rushed around the room, checking behind pillars and curtains, while making exaggerated martial arts noises. I saw Geo facepalm out the corner of my eye, before he finally addressed his friend.
"John!" he shouted. "Knock it off, will you? They've long gone by now — escaped by going through some kind of portal." He pointed at the object in question, and John cocked his head at it.
"Is that another one of Ace's experiments?" he asked.
"No," I replied. "It's something of ours. From what Celestia told me, it only activates once every thirty moons."
"And the thief went through it?" John checked.
"Yes..." I replied hesitantly. "Why do you ask?"
He chuckled and walked over to the throne. Reaching behind it, he pulled out two baseball bats. He threw one to Geo and walked over to the mirror. Geo seemed to get the hint and joined him.
"We'll be back in a few minutes," John said confidently.
Before anypony could stop them, they had stepped through the mirror — and into the unknown.
But as quickly as they had gone in, they were back. I gasped with glee when I saw that John had my crown in his belt. But that glee soon turned to shock when I saw that both their bats were covered in blood — and that Geo was counting some teeth he was holding in his hand. "Oh, no," I said. "Please don't tell me that you beat the crap out of her in order to get my crown!"
"Nah," John replied. "We never even saw the bitch. But we did learn that she put the crown forward as a prize of some kind... even though she had already stolen it. So we just smashed the cabinet open, took it back and then ran. Oh, wait, that reminds me..." Without warning he turned back to the mirror and smashed it to pieces with the bat. "Now nobody can follow us back." He grinned.
"And what about the teeth?" I asked. "Where did they come from?"
"You know Flash Sentry?" Geo replied, to which I nodded. "Well, it turns out that he has a human counterpart..."
He trailed off while I facehoofed so hard, I managed to set off an earthquake alert.
You stand amongst a group of your friends, all of whom are passing around a picture. Each of them glances at it for a moment, laughs heartily, and passes it on. The picture eventually finds its way to you, and you look at it. A look of confusion crosses your face as you turn it every which way, trying to make sense of it. "I'm sorry," you say sheepishly. "But I just don't see what's so funny about this."
One of your friends approaches you, the last dregs of laughter leaving him. "We can't be the only ones who get it," he says, indicating the rest of the group. "It's blatantly obvious."
You look at the picture again, but to no avail. Try as you might, you just can't see the joke. "Sorry," you mumble. "I guess I'm just being a bit dense or something."
"Come on, man," your friend says exasperatedly. "Take another look, and focus. You'll get it eventually."
You sigh and scrunch your face up, focusing intently on the picture in front of you. Despite your best efforts, you can't quite see what is meant to be so funny about it.
"I've been doing this for five minutes," you grumble, before you let out a small sigh. "Can't you just explain it to me?"
Your friend facehoofs. "All right, fine," he snaps. "It's a picture of a boarding pass, right?" You nod. "Right, now look at the confirmation code across the top, and read it as you see it."
You do as you are asked, and glance at the six-digit code printed across the top of the pass. Your brain processes the information, and you speak the result. "Gratevij," you pause. "I don't get it."
"Oh for fu—" your friend snarls. The door opens to reveal a mare, another friend of yours, as your friend explodes. "GREAT VAG!"
The mare stands in utter shock for a moment — then closes the door and swiftly trots away.
The room explodes into laughter at this chance encounter, the friend who made the statement blushing furiously. He sets off after the retreating mare, intent on making things right, while you take one last look at the picture — the joke now obvious.
"Oh," you say half-heartedly, tossing the picture onto the table in front of you. "Yeah... that's totally a fake."
You are standing at your kitchen counter holding a knife in one hand, ready to make the first cut, when your front door swings open and an alicorn walks in.
"Hi, Twilight," you say, waving politely. "What brings you here?"
"Hello there," she says. "I have received several reports that you were seen carrying fish, and I would like to know if said reports are true. If they are, then I would like to know where you got it from." You point at the counter and she sighs. "Well, that's the reports confirmed." Twilight looks around for a moment. "So... would you care to explain where all this fish came from?"
"Well, it's like this," you reply. "Some of the otters Fluttershy looks after apparently took pity on me and asked her to bring some."
"Oh, right," Twilight nods, then coughs. "I'm sorry I barged in like that, I guess I should have asked you first, rather than jump to conclusions and assume the worst."
"It's fine, Twilight," you hold up a hand reassuringly. "I don't mind, really, but next time... make sure you know your plaice."
Twilight lets out a sigh of relief. "Thanks," she says. "That really means a lot to— did you just make a pun?"
"For cod's sake, Twilight," you playfully roll your eyes. "It took you long enough to notice."
Twilight sighs. "Okay, stop it," she says. "It's not funny."
"Could you repeat that?" you ask. "I'm sorry, but I've got a bit of a herring problem." Twilight doesn't reply. "Don't worry, though, because it usually sorts itself trout in the end."
"If you're going to start doing this, then I'm leaving," Twilight replies. "Let me know when you've grown up."
She starts to leave, but you stop her. "All right, I'm sorry," you say. "I was just having a laugh... even if those puns were a bit carp."
No longer able to keep a straight face, you fall over laughing. You clutch your sides and roll around on the floor, not noticing the faintest trace of a smile grace Twilight's lips.
"I'll admit," she says as you finally stand up. "Some of those puns were good... though you cod have done batter."
You gasp. "You hypocrite!" you say, pointing at her. "And you got on at me for making puns!"
Twilight giggles. "I'm sorry," she says. "I just couldn't resist. But... if you come up with any new puns, let minnow as soon as you can."
With that, she walks out of your house and closes the door behind her — leaving you standing in the middle of your kitchen with a stunned expression on your face.
Looks like I'm the one who needs to learn his 'plaice'.
You stood and watched as the stallion before you observed the beehive thoughtfully.
He looked over it every which way, studying it's structure, watching as the bees within come and go.
He looked to you, and you give him a thumbs up.
He nodded, and began to climb the tree. You watched from below, a huge grin on your face at what he was going to do.
He got to the branch the hive was on and slowly inched his way towards it. The branch creaked and groaned under his weight, but it held — though the bees were aware of his presence.
"Whatever you're going to do, do it now," you said. "Those bees know you're there, and they look pissed."
The stallion nodded — then suddenly he grabbed the beehive. You watched in horror as he shoved it into his mouth and chewed furiously, swallowing every last piece.
Needless to say, the bees did not like this and gave chase. It did not end well for your stupidly intrepid companion — which is why you are now standing in front of his tombstone with a rose in your hand, looking solemnly at the inscription chiselled into the rock.
Here Lies Melli Fera
"The Stupidest Fucker In Equestria"
You put the rose on the grave and sigh. "In hindsight..." you mutter. "In hindsight, maybe daring him to get rid of the hive wasn't such a good idea after all."
I walked slowly through a cloud of dust, the stench of death assaulting my nostrils and growing stronger with each step.
I looked around, my eyes falling on the bodies of the ones I had fought alongside... and against. My heart burned with rage at the sight of so many of my friends lying dead, tears stinging my eyes as I slowly picked my way through the carnage.
As I made my way across the battlefield, I thought about how folly this whole war had been. Ponies and gryphons had always been the best of friends — but the new gryphon Emperor didn't want that relationship to continue.
He dreamed of days gone by, when the gryphons were the masters of the world. He wanted things to go back to 'how they were,' and so he whipped his people into a frenzy. Within a matter of months, the once proud gryphons had been turned into a vicious whirlwind of unstoppable terror and blood-lust.
Fast forward to the present. This had been the last great battle for Equestria's defence. Victory here would mean that the Emperor's plans would have to be put on ice — but defeat would have meant the end of ponykind as we knew it. As such, Equestrians everywhere rallied to defend their homeland... though many would pay the ultimate price in doing so.
Which leads me to finding myself as the only survivor of the entire Equestrian army, totally unable to see any signs of life amongst the ponies strewn from horizon to horizon.
But then I saw movement out the corner of my eye. I looked over, hoping against hope that one of my comrades had survived the slaughter — only to find myself locking eyes with a gryphon.
We stared at each other for a moment, before he suddenly raised his weapon. Letting out an ear-splitting screech, the gryphon rushed across the battlefield – not caring whose bodies he stepped all over – and brought his sword down on my head.
I barely had time to raise my own sword to parry the blow, a loud clang ringing out and breaking the stillness of the battlefield. I grunted as the gryphon tried to break my defences, sweat forming on my brow as I looked at his blade just inches from my face.
I leapt backwards, spreading my wings and throwing up dust into the enemy's eyes. He coughed and hacked, wiping his eyes with a talon — allowing me to press the attack.
Eight Bit strolled up to the door, pizza box in hoof, and knocked gently on the door. It was a perfect moonlit night, the streetlights providing a comforting backdrop to the peaceful town of Ponyville.
Not getting an answer, the stallion knocked on the door again. This time it opened, revealing a mare. She looked at him and smiled.
"Here’s your pizza, ma'am," he said, passing her the box. "Fourteen inches of hotness, in a box." He held out his other forehoof expectedly. "That will be twenty-seven bits, please."
The mare bit her lip and ran a forehoof through her long blonde mane. "Oh, my," she replied. "Let me see what I can rustle up." She produced her purse and looked through it, eventually closing it and sighing theatrically. "I seem to be short on funds… perhaps there is some other way I can pay?"
Eight Bit stared at the mare.
The mare stared back.
Eventually, he shook his head — then opened the box and shoved the pizza into the mare’s face. She gasped in shock, screaming as some thick gooey stuff got stuck to her face and mane.
She dropped to the ground, Eight Bit dumping the box next to her.
"There you go," he said. "I’ve fucked you, just like you wanted."
Eight Bit strolled up to the door, pizza box in hoof, and knocked gently on the door. It was a perfect moonlit night, the streetlights providing a comforting backdrop to the peaceful town of Ponyville.
Not getting an answer, the stallion knocked on the door again. This time it opened, revealing a mare. She looked at him and smiled.
"Here’s yer pizza, you skank," he said. "Fourteen inches ae shite, in a box.” He held out his other forehoof expectedly. "Noo gies twenty-seven bits or I’ll fuckin' hammer ye."
The mare bit her lip and ran a forehoof through her long blonde mane. "Och, get tae fuck," she replied. "Jist gie me a meenit tae look through mah purse." She produced her purse and looked through it, eventually closing it and sighing. "Ach, bollocks, I dinnae hae enough money oan me... here, if I wis tae let you fuck me, wid ye let me aff wi'oot payin'?"
Eight Bit stared at the mare.
The mare stared back.
Eventually, he shook his head — then opened the box and shoved the pizza into the mare’s face. She gasped in shock, screaming as some thick gooey stuff got stuck to her face and mane. She dropped to the ground, Eight Bit dumping the box next to her.
"Naw," he said, glaring at the writhing mare. "Twenty-seven bits, or I’m takin' yer fuckin' kneecaps."
Ever since I came to the magical world of Equestria, the one thing I have always admired is how the ponies make their own weather. At least this way, if I am told it's going to be a nice, I can arrange to meet up with my friends without many gallons of water suddenly dropping on us from out of thin air.
However, I was intent on today being a day spent at home. Given my inability to perform magic, I had to clean my house the good old-fashioned way — with plenty of elbow grease. Some of my unicorn and pegasus friends had offered to do it for me, but I had politely told them that this was something I could do myself.
And so it was that I found myself on my hands and knees, scrubbing away at my wooden floor like a man possessed. It was times like this when I wished for some technology to assist me, because an automated floor buffer would work wonders here.
The only thing accompanying me during my struggle to banish dirt from the floorboards was my MP3 player. I have a strange taste in music, and – before I came to Equestria – would download any song I heard that I liked the sound of. As a result of this impulse, if it can even be called that, my MP3 player is filled with everything from Eminem to Daft Punk and Village People to... Take That.
Right now, I was listening to 'Let In The Sun.' And as the song approached the chorus, I looked up from my scrubbing and smiled.
"'Open up your window.'" I stood up and undid a button on my shirt. "That's a good idea, lads, it is a bit stuffy in here right now."
I walked over to the window and, with a bit of effort, opened it. A cooling breeze caressed my face, making me sigh in content. But as I turned around to return to my menial labour, a voice called out.
"Good morning, Jack."
I froze on the spot and slowly turned to the source of the voice, whereupon I found – to my considerable shock – that none other than Princess Celestia herself was lying on my sofa. She was wearing her usual regalia, but was lounging around in the same manner I would after finishing a hard day's work.
"This is a rather comfortable sofa you have," she said. "Would I be right in assuming you got it from Quills and Sofas in the market?"
It was a simple question, sure — but this was a far from simple situation that I had suddenly found myself in. So, with this in mind, I responded to her question with the first thing I could think of.
As I record these words, I try in vain to block out the sounds of explosions coming from outside my home. But, as horrible as it is to say, they do a very good job of drowning out the agonised screams of my friends and neighbours.
Today started out so well. It was market day, and the chatter of a hundred happy ponies carried on the air, along with the smells of freshly baked and harvested produce. Apples, pears, carrots, cakes, hay, muffins... a delectable feast for the olfactory senses.
But then we saw them. Hundreds of bipedal creatures came swarming over a nearby hill, their war cry shattering the ears and nerves of all who heard it. Behind them, monstrous machines made of metal which grinded and groaned with some hellish force.
The bipeds and their machines fired their weapons, sending a spray of fire in front of them. Those who were caught in it fell immediately, unmoving and lifeless, to the ground. Screams rose up from the crowd, and we began to run.
It was every pony for themselves, trampling and pushing in their haste to get away from this nightmare that had manifested before us. Those of us, like me, who were near their homes managed to escape into them. For a brief moment I heard somepony banging at my door, begging for entry — but before I could let them in, I heard a sound rather like an exploding watermelon, followed by the awful gut-wrenching sound of a body sliding limply to the ground.
I made my way over to the window and peered out, noting that the bearers of the Elements of Harmony had converged in the middle of the market, and were beginning to channel the spell which would hopefully save us all and restore peace to our town.
They were cut down by hellfire before they even had a chance to complete it. I can still hear their screams of pain as their flesh was torn apart, as well as Rainbow Dash's angry screams of defiance.
Fluttershy was the last to fall, and tried desperately to crawl away. One of the bipeds stood on her hind leg and said a few words to his friend, to which they both laughed. They aimed their weapons at Fluttershy's head and fired, forcing me to look away as she went limp. The two bipeds then moved on, firing their weapons at anypony who was still unfortunate enough to be outside.
The large metal monsters were slower than the bipeds, but their weapons were far more powerful. I watched in silent horror as one of them took aim at the hospital and fired. A deafening explosion soon followed as the building was blown apart, sending splinters of wood and pieces of blackened flesh in all directions. I shuddered to think of all the defenceless ponies who had just perished, not knowing of the fate which was about to befall them.
The behemoths then moved on, trundling slowly through the town. Anything and anypony which got in their way was either blown up or simply crushed under their massive weight.
Yep, it was just another Winter Wrap-Up in Ponyville. I tell you, these ponies sure know how to turn a tedious activity into something fun. And not using magic – like they do in Canterlot – only serves to make it all the more interesting, as it forces you to actually talk to the ponies around you.
Canterlot ponies could never imagine talking to anypony while they cleaned up winter. To us, the whole concept of talking for anything other than business purposes is an alien one. But when I moved to Ponyville, my perception of the world changed.
Then, for the first time in my life, I discovered the art of conversation — and conversation, as every pony knows, is the first step on the road to friendship.
Needless to say, I made lots of friends that first year.
A booming voice came out over the speakers. "Mares and gentlecolts, please put your hooves together and make some noise... for COUNTESS COLORATURA!"
Applause and cries of glee arose from the assembled fanfillies – not to mention the occasional fancolt – as the Countess took to the stage, already beginning to belt out out one of her famous top hits.
But suddenly, before the end of the first verse, the roof of the stadium was torn off by a tremendous force. A bellowing roar soon followed, as Godzilla suddenly decided to take a break from harassing Tokyo and – after somehow gaining the ability to travel across universes – visit Manehatten instead.
The Countess stood frozen to the spot as the monster stood above her, the audience already making a break for the nearby exits. It was not the monster itself that frightened her, but rather the two large green objects hanging between its legs.
Objects which were getting closer...
And closer...
And closer...
"STOP RIGHT THERE, GODZILLA!" came a loud, authoritative voice. It sounded almost metallic, but it was enough to make Godzilla stop lowering his... you know... to face whomever dared to stop him.
It was Optimus Prime... who had also somehow gained the ability to travel across universes! (Just go with it.)
Countess Coloratura let out a sigh of relief, but her hopes for rescue were quickly dashed when Optimus spoke again.
"I want in on this!"
Godzilla grinned and allowed Optimus to approach him — at which point the two high fived with the force of a thousand suns.
And then they teabagged the poor mare into oblivion.
Rainbow Dash loved the feeling of the wind rushing through her mane as she tore through the sky, with a multi-coloured trail of awesome - as she always liked to put it - behind her, signalling her presence to any and all below her.
She looped and she turned, she corkscrewed and she twisted, she twirled and she pirouetted (not that she would ever admit to the last one, of course).
"Confused.com!"
Dash stopped and hovered as she strange voice reached her ears. She looked around warily, aware of the fact nopony else was nearby, and then yelped in surprise as something hit her on the back of the head.
"What the heck?!" Dash flailed around and grabbed a hold of something with her hooves, bringing it around so she could look at it. "What's the big idea, you—"
The words died on her tongue as she took a closer look at the object she was holding. It was a small, oddly-shaped, machine; with a small rectangular head attached to a square body and a strange bottom.
"O...kay..." Dash scratched her head and flew over to a nearby cloud, settling down on it and studying the machine closely. "What the heck is this thing?" She turned it over. "It looks like some kinda robot; maybe Twi could have a look at it?"
To her surprise, the machine spoke again. "Bye, small person!"
"Hey!" Dash shouted. "I'm not small, you're small!" She pressed her nose against the robot's face. "Who are you, and why have you come to Equestria? Are you a spy?"
"Hi, I'm Brian of Confused.com!" the robot said cheerfully, oblivious to Dash's question. "I love being your robot friend."
"Confused dot what?" Dash narrowed her eyes. "You're not making any sense to me, so I'm going to take you to Twilight; she'll probably love inspecting you."
"Yay!" Brian cheered.
Dash rolled her eyes and took off, holding the robot between her forehooves, angling towards Ponyville in the distance.
"You'd better get ready, Brian," she said. "Twilight is going to question you relentlessly, and she won't let up until she knows everything about you."
"Winner, winner, chicken dinner!" Brian replied.
"'Chicken dinner?'" Dash grimaced. "Ew, that's gross. Here's a word of advice, don't let my friend Fluttershy hear you say that."
Brian was silent for a while before he finally replied.
"Cheers, big ears."
A few minutes later, Twilight Sparkle was interrupted from her daily routine by a very loud "Whhhhheeeeeeeeeeee!"
This sound was followed immediately by a loud crash, and a deep rumbling which shook her castle to its very foundations.
If there is one thing you loathe about Equestria, it's the early morning wakeup calls. If the damn rooster over at Sweet Apple Acres doesn't get you, then the first light of the sun will. No matter how closed you think those curtains are, Celestia will still find a way to get the sunbeam into the room so it can assault your eyes.
After completing your morning ablutions, you are sitting at the table with a newspaper in one hand and a spoon in the other, trying your hardest not to use your cereal as a pillow. The paper is full of the usual things from around Ponyville that count as news: the upcoming apple harvest, government stuff, damage caused by the most recent monster attack, and the price of hay.
The tedium from that second one alone is almost enough to send you back to sleep, but you are thankfully prevented from doing so by a gentle tapping on your front door. Putting the paper down, you stand up and answer it to find Twilight on your doorstep.
"Hi, Chris," she says jovially. "I was wondering if you could help me. I've got some stuff in my house I want to get rid of, and you are quite handy when it comes to carrying things." She looks at you hopefully. "Can I count on you?"
You shrug. "Yeah, okay, Twilight," you reply. "I've got nothing else to do today, so I can come over now if you want."
Twilight nods. "That'd be great, Chris," she replies. "And don't worry, I will gladly compensate you for your time."
You shake your head. "Compensation won't be necessary, Twilight," you reply. "Your company will be enough... although a spot of lunch wouldn't go amiss, either." You flash her a smile.
Twilight giggles. "That can be arranged, Chris," she says. "Anyway, shall we go? The sooner we start, the sooner we finish."
You get up from the table and follow Twilight as she leaves your house, closing the door behind you. Ponyville always looks beautiful at this time of the morning, with the sun just peeking over the tops of the buildings and bathing the place in a delightfully warm glow. The scent of freshly baked goods from Sugarcube Corner waft down the street, enticing the adults inside; the younger ones prefer to gaze at the window display, trying their hardest not to drool.
Pleasantries are exchanged between you and your neighbours, although the mare next door tries – once again – to flirt with you. You flirt back, even though you know it doesn't mean anything, and continue following Twilight to her house.
Upon arrival, she opens the door and you go inside to find a stash that even a pirate or a dragon would be extraordinarily proud of. Twilight notices your dumbfounded expression and nervously rubs the back of her head with a forehoof.
"Yeah, sorry about that, Chris," she says. "I guess I should have told you exactly how much stuff there was."
"It's no problem at all, Twilight," you say reassuringly. "I said I would help you, and that's exactly what I intend to do. Now, would it be right of me to assume that we are going to go through all these boxes and decide what is worth keeping?"
"Pretty much," Twilight replies. "If it's something of a personal nature to me then, of course, it will go in a separate box. Old bits of paper can be recycled or destroyed, rubbish will go in the bin, and anything that's left can be donated to the shop."
You clap your hands together. "Got it," you say. "Let's get to work."
With that, you grab a box and get cracking. The first box is full of miscellaneous pieces of paper, so you start looking through them. It just turns out to be full of bills dating back several years, although you do find a bank slip which shows that Twilight earns a lot more than you could ever hope to. Putting the slip aside, you leave the bills in the box and grab another one. This is gonna take a while...
***
You continue working, looking through box upon box of Twilight's belongings; by the time lunch arrives, you have filled six boxes with donations for the second-hand shop, two boxes with personal information that needs to be destroyed/filed, and three bags with rubbish which is only fit for the bin.
As you put the final box down, your stomach rumbles. "I think that's a cue for us to take a break." you chuckle. "Shall we?"
Twilight nods. "Yes, lets," she replies. "We can go to Sugarcube Corner if you want; I saw the smile on your face this morning when you caught a whiff of what they were making."
"You saw that, huh?" you rub the back of your head, your cheeks turning crimson for a moment. "Uh, yeah, okay. We can go there."
"Great!" Twilight chirps. "Let's go, we can finish this later."
"So, to summarise, Ponyville is getting an extra two days of rain to make up for that dry spell we accidentally caused last week," Rainbow Dash said to the assembled crowd. "Normally we would put notices through your doors, but the weather manager decided that this way would be better; I personally believe he just wanted to save a few bits by not printing anything." Laughter greeted this statement, at which Dash grinned. "Seriously, though, if you could pass on this information to friends and family, that'd be great. Thanks for listening, everypony, and I'll see ya around."
The crowd nodded and dispersed, leaving Dash standing with just one other pony, who came over with a small smile on her face.
"All that extra rain will do wonders fer the crops, RD," Applejack said. "That dry period didn't do me no favours at all."
Dash sighed. "I know, AJ, and we've already apologised for that," she replied. "But at least it'll go some way to sorting things, and even Fluttershy will be happy, because some of those animals she takes care of love the water." She looked around. "Say, where is Fluttershy anyway? I thought she'd be here."
"Well..." Applejack sighed. "I did hear a rumour that somepony has been pickin' on her lately, so she's holed up in her house. I went over ta try an' talk to her, but she weren't fer answerin' the door."
"What?!" Dash shouted. "Who's been harassing Fluttershy? I'll pound their face into the dirt when I get a hold of them!"
Applejack shrugged. "I don't know, sugarcube," she replied. "She didn't want ta talk to me, but maybe she'd talk to you; y'all have known each other since ya were both fillies, after all."
"I'll head over there right now," Dash said. "Don't worry, AJ, I'll find out who this bozo is and come find you."
Applejack grinned malevolently. "I'll have mah rope ready," she said. "Now, git on over there and help the poor girl out."
Dash didn't need to be told twice; she shot off like a rocket, leaving Applejack keeping a tight grip on her hat.
***
"Fluttershy?" Dash knocked firmly on the door of Fluttershy's cottage. The area was completely devoid of all life and sound, as though the animals were following the example of their caretaker and hiding. "Fluttershy, it's Rainbow Dash. AJ told me what was happening, and you better believe that I'm not leaving until I've helped you deal with whoever is bothering you."
There was a moment of silence before the door finally opened, just enough to allow Rainbow Dash in, and then slammed shut. Fluttershy returned to the centre of the room, in the midst of a large circle of animals who seemed to be protecting her; the bear in particular kept a close eye on Rainbow Dash as she approached.
"Fluttershy, talk to me," Dash pleaded. "Let me help you."
Fluttershy looked her in the eyes. "It's not what you think, Rainbow Dash," she said meekly. "You can't help me... not this time."
"The heck I can't!" Dash growled. "Just give me their name and I'll grab AJ so the three of us can have a 'friendly chat.'"
Fluttershy shook her head. "You don't understand," she replied. "I need to deal with this bully my way, not yours."
"'Shy, you can't deal with your problems if you hide from them," Rainbow Dash said flatly. "Come on, let's go to this jerk's house; we'll have a reasonable discussion, like adults, and sort this out."
Fluttershy glanced at a clock on the wall. "There's no need for us to do that, either." a sudden and ferocious banging on the window made Rainbow Dash jump. "He's already here."
Rainbow Dash looked perplexed. "You mean he comes to your house just so he can harass you?" she flailed her forehooves in the air. "Why not just call the Royal Guard to deal with him, then?"
"Because..." Fluttershy threw open the window, at which a white blur shot into the room. "They don't deal with animals." She pointed at where the blur had settled...
Nessie ran into the shop as quickly as her hooves would carry her, startling the stallion behind the counter with her sudden presence.
"Quick!" she shouted. "My pipes have burst, and I must get them repaired as soon as possible; I need to practice for BronyScot!"
The stallion looked perplexed. "As much as I would love to be of assistance, Miss Nessie, I have to tell you that you're in the wrong shop," he said.
"How can that be?" Nessie scoffed. "This is the pipe shop, is it not?"
"Well, yes, but I don't deal with your kind of pipes," the stallion replied. "For you see..." He leaned forwards and looked Nessie in the eyes. "I'm actually a plumber."
The sound of the birds singing rouses me from my peaceful slumber, my eyes opening to a gloriously warm day.
Lifting my head skywards I watch the birds as they dart around the sky, their harmonious melodies filling my ears. I smile and slowly get up, the bones in my legs aching profusely, and then walk inside the house for a drink of water.
My thirst slaked, I leave the house and stand on the porch — the sound of hoofsteps coming up from behind me grabbing my attention. I slowly turn around, coming face to face with an orange coat and flowing blonde mane.
She acknowledges me with a smile and a nod and then, without so much as a word, motions for me to follow her. I follow her out into the orchard, silently thankful for the mares patience as she has to continuously stop in order for me to catch up.
As I walk, I take a look around at the orchard and allow fond memories of a life spent here in relative harmony. I was born on this farm, and have lived long enough to see it flourish.
With the day drawing to a close, you decide that it is time to wind down for the night; a mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows seems like a great way to do exactly that, especially when you pair it with a good book to read. Twilight's castle has a well-stocked library, that much is certain, but you found your current tome in her bedroom, amongst the many she keeps in there for studying.
You take a sip of your hot chocolate, blow on it a little to cool it down, then sit on your bed with the book. Just as you're about to open it, though, Twilight suddenly walks in. You try to hide what you're reading, but it's too late; she's seen it.
"Anonymous," she says. "I didn't know you liked reading." She grins at you. "In fact, I didn't even know you could read."
You roll your eyes. "Ha, ha, Twilight," you reply. "For your information, I do enjoy reading... but, er, you wouldn't want to read this particular book. It's, um, one I brought with me from home, and it's full of nasty stuff about humans."
As the last dregs of sunlight faded away, replaced with the first glows of the moon, Warren made his way along the streets of Ponyville at a rushed pace. He stepped over and around ponies in his haste, as he made for 'The Greedy Chef,' the only restaurant in town that was only now opening its doors to patrons.
Arriving at the restaurant, Warren caught sight of five of his friends sitting at a table, chatting amongst themselves. There was an empty chair in the middle; three of them sat on one side and two on the other, where another empty chair stood.
"Hey, girls," Warren said as he sat down in the middle seat. "Sorry I'm late; I was taking a nap and lost track of time." He stifled a yawn. "I've been so busy lately, helping to prepare for the upcoming Festival of the Two Sisters."
"Don't worry, darling." Rarity took a sip of wine. "We've all been hard at work preparing for the festival; it's the first one since Twilight became ruler of Equestria, so everything must be perfect."
Warren chuckled. "Yeah, I saw Twilight earlier; she was reading a ton of books on how to effectively organise a festival," he said. "I swear, you'd think she'd be taking a break from her duties, the main reason she's even in Ponyville to begin with."
"Uh, that's not the only reason she's here, Warren," Rainbow Dash replied. "She was visiting Starlight, Sunburst and Trixie at the School of Friendship, and we also had a Council meeting to attend."
"Even so, she still needs to take a break," Warren retorted. "She'll burn herself out if she carries on reading the equivalent of an entire library and rushing from visit to visit."
"I think she heard ya, sugarcube." Applejack pointed at something behind him. "Here she comes now, lookin' fresh as a daisy."
Warren glanced behind him; sure enough, Princess Twilight Sparkle, ruler of Equestria, was walking towards them with a smile on her face and a spring in her step. As she walked, ponies either bowed or waved to her, while those in her way swiftly stepped aside.
"Well, would you look at what we have here?" Warren stood up with a grin on his face. "If it isn't my favourite book horse!"
Twilight stopped dead in her tracks, her expression changing from happiness to utter desolation and horror. Rarity sprayed the table with wine, Fluttershy hid under the table, Rainbow Dash dropped breadcrumbs all over the floor and Applejack looked as though Warren had insulted her parents' memory. The waiters serving restaurant patrons dropped their platters, adding the sound of smashing plates to the huge gasp which arose from the ponies in the area. Parents covered their children's ears, and several pairs of angry eyes were focused on the man, who looked around nervously.
"What?" he asked. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
His question was met with silence and hardened glares; after what seemed like an eternity, Fluttershy – who tentatively poked her head out from her hiding place – was the first to speak.
"That word..." she shuddered. "You just used that word."
Warren looked perplexed. "What word? 'Horse?'" The crowd gasped again, much louder than before, and Warren sighed. "Oh, come on, really?! You're genuinely upset about me calling Twi a 'book hor—'"
"DON'T SAY IT AGAIN!" Warren flinched as the crowd bellowed in unison; he also thought he heard a cry of 'Stone him!' amongst the cacophony of angry voices from the usually peaceful townsponies.
Twilight looked at the sign in front of her, her eyebrows narrowing while she contemplated what was written on it in large red letters.
MINE FIELD
The paint still dripping onto the dirt path below told her that the object had only recently been placed, which made her think that, perhaps, something could be done to address the problem. She ruffled her wings and hurried up the path to a shack in the middle of an area bustling with crops, then knocked on the door.
A stallion soon answered, his confusion turning to shock when he took stock of his visitor. "Princess Twilight?" he asked, to which she nodded. "What brings you to my humble little farm?"
Twilight pointed down the path. "Is that your sign?" she asked.
"Sure is." the stallion replied. "Wanted to keep folks off my land, so I made a sign to warn them against trespassing." He scratched his head. "I didn't realise that warranted a royal response."
Twilight shook her head. "You are well within your rights to keep anycreature from trespassing," she said. "I just wanted to tell you that it is 'MY FIELD,' not 'MINE FIELD.' And, while I'm at it, this isn't even a field; it's more of an allotment. Okay?"
The stallion simply nodded in response, at which Twilight flashed him a smile, turned around, and walked away.
The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the breeze feels good against your skin, and there isn't a cloud in the sky. All in all, it's a beautiful day and your mind is full of the things you could accomplish before the sun finally goes down.
On a day like today, you would normally go down to the beach to sunbathe, go to the gym and try to work on getting rid of the old beer gut, see a movie, go to the bar (thus undoing the work you did at the gym), or just relax with your friends.
However, you wouldn't ordinarily find yourself lost in a place you didn't recognise — but that's precisely what has happened this time. You don't know how it happened, but you're fairly confident you should have taken a left at Albuquerque (Avenue) while you were out for your early morning jog.
As you blunder along the path – which has suddenly changed from tarmac to dirt – you hear the unmistakable sound of hoofsteps further ahead. A forest like this seems like a good place to go horse riding, so you run towards the source.
"Excuse me!" you yell as you get closer. The noise stops and you slow down to a walk. "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you could direct me towards—"
"Eep!"
The sudden gasp of shock cuts you off mid-sentence, and you look down — to find yourself staring at what looks like a unicorn. It has a mint-green coat, a green and white mane and tail, and – for whatever reason – a picture of a lyre on its flank.
The unicorn continues staring at you, a look of shock plastered firmly across its face. Looking closely, you can see beads of sweat forming on its forehead. Clearly, this little unicorn is terrified of you.
"Um, okay..." you scratch the back of your head and take a step forward, to which the unicorn takes a step back. This continues for another minute before you put your hands up. "Take it easy, I'm not gonna hurt you." The unicorn doesn't reply, the look of terror still firmly evident. "Okay, how about this?"
You reach into your pocket and take out the contents, holding them in your hand. You've got your wallet, your keys, your bus pass, your mobile phone — and a packet of sugar cubes you took from the last café you were at.
"Well, it is a horse of sorts," you mutter, tearing the packet open and depositing one of the cubes onto your hand. "And I've never met a horse that didn't like sugar cubes." You hold your hand out towards the unicorn. "Want one?"
I've lived in Equestria for nearly ten years now, and a lot has changed. I've made new friends, fallen in love, raised a family, gone through a wide range of emotions, nearly died a couple of times, and watched changes unfold in the land I now call home.
But if someone had told me, the first time I laid eyes on Equestria, that I would eventually be one of the two individuals ruling it, I'd have dismissed them as mad; I never did believe in fortune telling, horoscopes, psychics, palm reading or stuff like that. Yet, I would now owe that person one hell of an apology, because that's exactly what has happened. I, the first human to set foot in Equestria for over a thousand years, now helps to rule it, alongside my wife. It's been a couple of years since I got the job, and it hasn't gotten any easier, despite what my friend John seems to think.
However, Twilight and I have adapted quite well, and the two of us have ruled Equestria since Celestia and Luna retired to Silver Shoals. We still visit them – and their husbands – every now and again, but most of our time is spent in the throne room, ruling over an Equestria which has seen major changes this past decade. Where once our petitioners were just ponies, we now find ourselves fielding questions and requests from changelings, dragons, yaks, hippogryphs, gryphons and even the occasional diamond dog.
And whether it's Applejack providing some much needed sustenance, Rarity mending dresses and suits, Pinkie Pie entertaining the guests because Twilight and I are running late, Fluttershy offering a sympathetic ear and a cup of tea after a hard day, or Rainbow Dash ensuring perfect weather for a vital meeting, our friends have also helped us immensely. Ace dismantled the bulk of his robots after he and Pinkie got back together, and offered to become the head of Twilight and I's personal guard, an offer we accepted. Spike, meanwhile, takes his role of Friendship Ambassador extremely seriously, and has grown a lot over the years. He eventually joined Ace, John and myself in the Marriage Club, but he and Rarity ultimately decided not to have kids.
Speaking of John, he likes to occasionally sit in on my meetings and tell the dignitary I'm talking to that he is my 'overworked, underpaid and underappreciated assistant,' but what he's actually there to do is draw (admittedly hilarious) caricatures of the dignitary in question. Dragon Lord Ember caught him in the act once, but she was surprisingly chilled out about it; I later heard from Spike that the drawing John had done had been framed and hung up in Ember's room in the Dragon Lands.
Out of everything that the ten of us have gained over the years, though, it goes without saying that children have been the best. Twilight and I have Azure and Evening, Pinkie Pie has little Chocolate and Applejack – after 'a pregnancy that seemed to last for years,' as John put it – had a foal of her own. She went into labour while I was in hospital recovering from being blown up by Tirek, so I didn't have far to go to be there for my friend. Doctor Haywick warned John about not holding AJ's hoof during the birth, but he didn't listen; while I only ended up with a few cracked knuckles during Twilight's labour, John ended up with his arm broken in three places as a result of his wife's Earth pony strength. True to form, though, he refused to be treated until 'Applejack popped the foal out,' and soon enough a little colt made his way into the world. Since Applejack, Big Macintosh and Apple Bloom had learned the truth surrounding their heritage prior to the birth, the colt was given the name Bright Pear, to honour both of their parents. John still refuses to admit it, but I saw him leaking liquid pride as AJ announced the name to us a few days after the birth.
So, all in all, these last few years have been absolutely wonderful; in fact, I daresay that they have been the best of my life.
